12
Will Nature Make A Swank Of Me Yet?
Pastor Swank sets the scene:
He, dapper, was dressed in expensive casual duds. I figured him to be in his mid-20s. Sure enough, I was right.
We shook hands. I asked him if he had a degree, for I assumed he did in that he appeared suave, educated and of cosmopolitan mindset.
Good writers use their keen powers of observation to establish character.
He answered, “I went to hell’s hole.”
That snapped my attention, obviously. I asked the definition of “hell’s hole.” He said, “Lynchburg Virginia.” Of course, that translated as Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University.
Good writers use strong declarative statements to gain their readers’ trust.
Why do you call Liberty University as “hell’s hole,” I wondered. He answered, “Well, you might imagine a woman had something to do with it.”
Ok. I let it go at that. But he did add that he spent two years in the hole. Must have been quite the young lady.
Good writers often use double meanings to humorous effect.
All the while, he had no idea that he was talking to an evangelical minister of half a century. So I told him.
He remained cordial, though learning the data about his new acquaintance.
“So what do you do for work?” I ventured. He double-talked an answer.
Therefore, I let that go.
Good writers occasionally leave some details to the reader’s imagination.
When I got home, there was an email from the fellow. It was quite strange in that he talked about the universe, the frequencies set loose between the sun and moon as well as planetary influences on worldly events.
He signed off with: “Service over self.”
That was a threesome that he had verbalized as a farewell to me in the store. I thought him to be a humanitarian of high quality, though not that interested in biblical theology.
Good writers carefully weave philosophic ideas into their narrative without losing its thread.
I knew his good looks brought him many beautiful women. And I learned later that some handsome men found their ways to his confines as well.
One day while several of us were seated outside the shop, a gorgeous female approached. The young fellow immediately stood, approached her, giving all signals that they were close friends now meeting on the sidewalk. There was the warm embrace and kiss.
So it goes when young and attractive.
Good writers sometimes titillate their readers with salacious details.
The other evening I watched the city news. There was this new friend’s photo on the screen. The bottom line: he had strangled a young woman. With that atrocity were other details most gross, one being that he sliced off her head and so forth.
Good writers take care not to dwell on particularly gory subjects.
I think back. I at least told him about Jesus. I don’t have any idea what he will do what that detail.
Perhaps a bit less than what he’s already done, one would hope.
Bullsmith said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:18
Wow. Now this is a hell of a thought piece the Pastor’s produced here. It’s not everyday we learn we’ve had a casual running acquaintance with a head-remover. I most note the Pastor’s ability to pat himself on the back for telling the guy about Jesus. What with two years at Liberty U and all.
So much denial. Such writing.
D. Aristophanes said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:19
Pastor Swank is like the Zelig of true crime, isn’t he?
noen said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:20
Yay!! It’s the Pastor Swank Hour! Patron Saint of teh Sadlies!
Another jim said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:25
Yeah. Such a weird place, his head.
In Pastor Swank’s defense (something I thought I’d never say), he may still be working through it. It can be pretty tough to find out that someone you actually liked, and who was unfailingly polite and cordial to you, can commit a murder. Let alone a particularly horrible one.
I wonder who the perp is?
Cowalker said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:25
Did you notice? Swank did his own shorter in his title?
D. Aristophanes said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:26
So much to enjoy in this Swank column:
- “Do you have a business card?” he asked. I handed me my pastor’s card.
- That was a threesome that he had verbalized as a farewell to me in the store.
- I knew his good looks brought him many beautiful women. And I learned later that some handsome men found their ways to his confines as well.
Derek said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:26
Or, perhaps, a less bit than, one would hope, he has done in already.
Wyatt Watts III said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:26
And then he chopped her up into little pieces and yada yada yada and so on and blah, blah, blah.
D. Aristophanes said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:27
I TOLD HIM ABOUT JESUS. HE CUT OFF HER HEAD
And that is why we pray to Headless Lady Jesus, children.
The Kid from Kounty Meath said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:27
I asked Santa for a murder ballad by Pastor Swank for Christmas.
The lateness is inconvenient, and I intend to let him know that.
Derek said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:30
Wow. I’ve been having the worst day, and such language, swank, obviously, dapper, all up in dressed syntax, has made my head with giddy swimming.
With you are the blessing, Travis, for doing what is thus done.
Cowalker said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:32
I wonder what it’s like to be counseled by Pastor Swank for substance abuse. How could you be sure when you were no longer under the influence of a mind-altering agent?
I think the perp in the story gave a little clue related to his mental problems here:
W. Kiernan said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:33
You know, that guy has got a weird beguiling rhythm – I mean, a rhythm beguiling and weird – to his prose. I wonder if he hears music in his head as he writes. I bet he does. I wonder if the music ever gets so loud and distracting that he completely loses track of the words he’s writing. I also wonder if he experiences visual hallucinations while he’s driving a car.
histrogeek said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:34
Give the guy his props. That’s definitely not an ending you see coming. Kind of weak on the follow-up though. I do like how he assumes he told the guy about Jesus. Hmm, I suspect that J.C. came up a few times at Liberty U. Really only Nabakov and a few others are able to provide us with such a convincing, yet unreliable, narrator.
pedestrian said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:34
This is as good as the time that he tried to sneak pot into the prison.
Wyatt Watts III said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:34
And he talked quite a bit about the zodiac, and then something about skin lotions and hoses, and a p.s. about the Beatle’s White Album.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:36
Pastor Swank’s latest novel:
The Preacher of Gor
K-Lo's Breast Sweat said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:37
“At least I told him about Jesus”.
Yeah, someone I’m sure he NEVER heard of while going to Liberty University.
PeeJ said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:38
frequently I counseled persons there in that awesome space laden with dark spirits.
He brought them Meyers and coke?
Personal Failure said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:40
Wouldn’t the good pastor want at least as much committment to jesus out of the “the fellow” and “the fellow” showed to murder and dismemberment?
Also, what is a “pastor card” and how is it unlike a business card?
Bitter Scribe said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:42
Wow, that was even more pointless than most fundie articles. Was Swank somehow trying to throw Mr. Anonymous Murderer into the breach created by the Tiller and Holocaust Museum killings? Was his message, “Hey, some non-Jeeebus types are murderers, too”?
It would be irresponsible not to speculate.
Al Swearengen said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:42
Pastor Swank really needs to stop dropping acid before watch the big “Dexter” marathon on Showtime.
D. Aristophanes said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:43
You know, that guy has got a weird beguiling rhythm – I mean, a rhythm beguiling and weird – to his prose. I wonder if he hears music in his head as he writes. I bet he does. I wonder if the music ever gets so loud and distracting that he completely loses track of the words he’s writing. I also wonder if he experiences visual hallucinations while he’s driving a car.
Well, in another blog post, Swank comes dangerously close to just such an admission:
Those who hold that Jesus was a madman don’t have much to write about for since a deranged individual is just that, that pretty much settles it. Whatever comes out of his or her mouth is taken by chance and by golly. It may edge on the side of myth and high rhythm. On the other hand, it may be nothing more than babble and crumble.
Bitter Scribe said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:44
The fellow responded by stating that he did not believe that Jesus was an historical figure but if we imagined Him in our heads that Jesus was indeed present.
I think it was Lily Tomlin who said something like, “When you talk to God, you’re praying. When He talks to you, you’re schizophrenic.”
PeeJ said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:45
D. Aristophanes said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:46
Pastor Swank really needs to stop dropping acid before watch the big “Dexter” marathon on Showtime.
And following it up with ‘American Psycho’. It would explain this perplexing bit of narrative:
He also was concerned about the shop for he donated items to it without expecting anything in return. It was one of those kinds of shops.
Clearly, the ‘young man’ was Patrick Bateman and he was ‘returning video tapes’.
pedestrian said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:47
Was his message, “Hey, some non-Jeeebus types are murderers, too”?
If so, fail. This young handsome sexy handsome young sexy man obviously went to Liberty U for a reason.
noen said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:48
With Pastor Card you get egg roll.
Galactic Dustbim said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:49
I wonder if this is the guy:
http://updates.mainetoday.com/updates/update-gurney-is-charged-with-murder
PeeJ said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:50
Also, what is a “pastor card”
They say “Go directly to hell. Do not pass school. Send me $200 “
roger said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:50
http://jgrantswankjr.blogspot.com/
oh my.
PeeJ said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:53
He also was concerned about the shop for he donated items to it without expecting anything in return. It was one of those kinds of
shops.
What the hell? A small, quaint inner city store that one donates things to. And at which Pastor Stank and dapper, handsome young men idle their days away. What the fuck “kind of shop” could that be?
Galactic Dustbim said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:54
Was his message, “Hey, some non-Jeeebus types are murderers, too”?
If so, fail. This young handsome sexy handsome young sexy man obviously went to Liberty U for a reason.
yeah I was expectin’ some kinda- stop going to church= murderer moral at the end too. Perhaps a writer of Swanks caliber expects the reader to draw his/her own conclusions. Swank is like that, real subtle like.
D. Aristophanes said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:57
That is some excellent Gazoogle sleuthin’ there, GD.
henry lewis said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:58
babble and crumble.
Isn’t that a Brit dessert?
noen said,
June 12, 2009 at 22:58
The good Pastor also writes great pr0n.
PeeJ said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:01
Continuing with GD’s excellently set example, we find it gets curiouser.
From http://www.sunjournal.com/story/319544-3/MaineNews/Maine_murder_suspect_put_forth_different_personas/
“He one time told me the only thing he identified with was pain,” Collins said. P-A-I-N was tattooed on Gurney’s knuckles, he said.
Dapper indeed!
In Portland, Gurney moved last fall into a building near downtown. Neighbors said he had worked at a nearby tattoo parlor.
Watson Atkinson, owner of another Portland tattoo parlor, said Gurney told him that he wanted to use his settlement money for good.
But many people felt uneasy about Gurney’s demeaning and confrontational attitude.
Tattoo parlor == quaint inner city “shop?”
Jake H. said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:02
So the Pastor is hanging around some undisclosed “kind of shop” when this guy walks in. Because he is good-looking, Swank confronts him and guesses his age. This apparently engenders some camaraderie, and leads to a handshake, at which point Swank demands to know this person’s level of education. The person responds with “I went to hell’s hole.”
I can’t count the number of close friends I’ve met this way. Maybe that’s why all of my friends are into dismemberment.
D. Aristophanes said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:03
Falwell writes about Gurney’s accident here:
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php/index.php/index.php?pageId=29428
pedestrian said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:03
http://jgrantswankjr.blogspot.com/
oh my.
BWAHAHAHA
I am hoping that his next column is about how he got filled with the holy spirit, but hard, for four hours, before finding out that it was actually just a dude in a white gown who escaped from the mental hospital.
PeeJ said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:05
Oh, yes, quite dapper. AIAIEEE!
That Girl said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:06
Yet another impressive alum from Liberty U.
Patrick Bateman said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:08
That son-of-a-bitch stole my story!
Pere Ubu said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:09
So… P. Swank’s point is what? That quiet unassuming people sometimes turn out to be sociopaths?
Boy, there’s a revelation for you.
Hint to Pastor Swank: that’s how they work. They get you to relax your guard by appearing to not be the kind of guy who strangles you and lops your head off. That’s why they’re dangerous.
And what better cover for a killer than a good boy who went to a good Christian school, after all. Sheesh, that’s the plot of 23% of all Lifetime movies right there.
Pere Ubu said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:13
But he did add that he spent two years in the hole. Must have been quite the young lady.
MUST HAVE BEEN! hurr hurr hurr hurr
This smarmy double entendre has been brought to you by Balliol Bros. Pharmacy, where we’re running a two-for-one special this week on h@rba| ViA&RA! Buy ten pills and your next refill of antibiotics is free!
stryx said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:14
Here I was trying to work up a hell hole/glory hole/man hole kind of joke and y’all go and bring reality weirder than I can make fun of.
But Headless Lady Jesus FTW.
Olexicon said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:15
Patrick
This guy was not a big Phil Collins fan
Wyatt Watts III said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:18
So here we have this “dapper,” “suave,” “handsome,” “attractive” man with “good looks” who verbalizes a “threesome” after Swank strikes up a conversation with him in a “quaint” inner city store?
Wait, what was Pastor Swank’s position on same-sex marriage again?
Legalize said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:19
“Try getting a table at Dorsia now, you fucking bastard.”
or
“I Told Him about Jesus. He Cut off Her Head.”
I don’t know which is more awesome.
D. Aristophanes said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:21
More Swanky goodness:
THE GLOBE SHOULD HAVE BLOWN UP BY NOW
J. Grant Swank, Jr.
That’s right.
There’s enough evil in the world and enough nuclear blow up on the planet that by now we should have been blown to smithereens.
However, we are still here. Explain why.
Legalize said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:24
“However, we are still here. Explain why.”
Well, I came for the food, but stayed for the fun. Also the verbalized threesomes.
D. Aristophanes said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:25
If there is any proof that there is a God it is that the world is still here. That is empirical evidence.
I’m convinced.
The Kid from Kounty Meath said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:26
So in the movie will Swank’s pal be played by…. Christian Fundamentalist Bale?
Sorry, had to.
Pere Ubu said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:28
However, we are still here. Explain why.
We can’t afford the cab fare home.
D. Aristophanes said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:29
Oh fuck, this may be the best Swank headline ever:
SWINE: TIME FOR MESSIAH OBAMA TO WORLD GOVERN
(http://truthinconviction.us/weblog.php?id=P3122)
PeeJ said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:32
However, we are still here. Explain why.
Naw, you’ll die soon; what would be the point?
D. Aristophanes said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:32
But now in present-tense it, seems as if, even apart from the discernment gift, one with half a brain tied behind his carbuncles, The Boy is ripe for filling the shoes of the One World Governor’ pig flu oinking loudly.
That is possibly the best thing he’s ever written.
Pere Ubu said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:33
SWINE: TIME FOR MESSIAH OBAMA TO WORLD GOVERN
Obama world govern force homo nups!
He’s like some evil shadow Dr. Bronner. “HOMO NUPS NEVER! OBAMA WORLD GOVERN NEVER! DILUTE! DILUTE! OK!”
Righteous Bubba said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:34
Satan draws out the torture.
Matt T. said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:42
There’s enough evil in the world and enough nuclear blow up on the planet that by now we should have been blown to smithereens.
However, we are still here. Explain why.
Maybe they found a safe way to store all that blow up.
Nom de Plume said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:46
And then he chopped her up into little pieces and yada yada yada and so on and blah, blah, blah.
Wyatt Watts III, that was fucking hysterical.
Jay B. said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:49
Sheesh. It’s getting to the point where even having a conversation with a rightwing media personality drives people to kill.
Mrs Tilton said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:50
other details most gross, one being that he sliced off her head and so forth
“…and so forth”? Sheer feckin brilliance. We are not worthy. Swank is Comedy God.
BBBB @22:36 isn’t much lower in the comedic pantheon, BTW, but then he knows he’s being funny, so doesn’t have quite the same wonderful idiot-savant quality of Swank in full flight.
N__B said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:54
The buried lede: Jesus as casus homicide. Swank told a man about Jesus. The man went out and committed murder.
Anyone tells you about Jesus, cover your ears and sing loudly “LA! LA! LA! I can’t hear you and won’t kill for you!”
Righteous Bubba said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:56
Well obviously we can blame Jesus for the suicide of Judas.
That Girl said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:57
But now in present-tense it, seems as if, even apart from the discernment gift, one with half a brain tied behind his carbuncles, The Boy is ripe for filling the shoes of the One World Governor’ pig flu oinking loudly.
Crikey. I almost understand that less than I’ve understood Gavin M.’s last few posts. Almost.
Rightwingsnarkle said,
June 12, 2009 at 23:58
Ernest Hemingway couldn’t write like that, I tell ya.
Pere Ubu said,
June 13, 2009 at 0:02
If Pastor Grant starts quoting 1970s cartoon lyrics I’m outta here.
Luis Carruthers said,
June 13, 2009 at 0:24
Call me.
stryx said,
June 13, 2009 at 0:38
Pastor Swank cleanse the city says.
map106 said,
June 13, 2009 at 0:53
I really have to stop drinking. Based on the quotes Travis provided, I thought Swank was recalling a job interview, and I couldn’t figure out if he was going to give the guy the job or not.
der svedish chef said,
June 13, 2009 at 1:10
I TOLD HIM EBOOoT JESOoS. HE COoT OoFF HER HEED.
Snorghagen said,
June 13, 2009 at 1:56
That reads like a final exam essay from the University of Psilocybin.
DrDick said,
June 13, 2009 at 2:29
I blame Rev. Swank for this incident. I know even a three minute conversation with the Rev. would make me feel homicidal.
Arky Schadenfreude said,
June 13, 2009 at 2:59
Does … does anyone else hear a deep, throbbing bass line?
Arky Schadenfreude said,
June 13, 2009 at 3:00
Shorter Rev. sWank: “Dear Penthouse Forum…”
RodeoBob said,
June 13, 2009 at 3:17
Wyatt Watts:
Swank’s writing invariably descends into turgid homoeroticism sooner or later, regardless of subject. Swank was a closeted conservative back before Larry Craig made it cool.
Pastor Swank is the deadly earnest side of the equation that makes Poe’s Law function.
wiley said,
June 13, 2009 at 3:23
Oh, he was a psychopath, btw.
I don’t know why I saw Snoopy typing when I read this, but at the end I saw that it was a really f^cked up, glue sniffing, cleaning product huffing Snoopy that has no sense of proportion.
valkyr of science said,
June 13, 2009 at 3:45
Compare, if you will, this passage, written on a lighter topic by a different author:
The second was written by Racter, a computer program written sometime prior to 1987.
Non-speculation, one would irresponsibly be in a state of.
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
June 13, 2009 at 3:45
QUIT MAKING FUN OF THE REVEREND MR. SWANK OR HE’LL GO GALT ON US.
MORANS.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
June 13, 2009 at 4:13
“HOMO NUPS NEVER! OBAMA WORLD GOVERN NEVER! DILUTE! DILUTE! OK!”
LOL! I will never tire of Dr. Bronner jokes.
Smut Clyde said,
June 13, 2009 at 4:33
Shorter Rev. sWank: “Dear Penthouse Forum…”
My own theory, and a very good theory it is too, is that the Pastor spent the formative years of his childhood locked in an attic, where he taught himself English by reading old Personal columns. Did I mention that this theory is mine?
Me: dapper, dressed in expensive casual duds, mid-20s, suave, educated and of cosmopolitan mindset.
You: gorgeous female.
Object: Strangling and slicing off of heads.
pedestrian said,
June 13, 2009 at 4:39
at the end I saw that it was a really f^cked up, glue sniffing, cleaning product huffing Snoopy that has no sense of proportion.
Snoopy eventually ran away to the city to become a writer. It didn’t go well. Of course, Charlie still came to visit him and was very “Such a dog I have!” about it. The whole thing was a little like Seinfeld, but too dark for TV.
wiley said,
June 13, 2009 at 4:50
The one where Snoopy was gang-raped by the cast of Cats?
Spalpeen Hammer said,
June 13, 2009 at 5:17
Jesus H. Fuck. Mickey Spillane eats 40 peyote buttons and finds God.
99 said,
June 13, 2009 at 5:19
The guy was charged with murder and ARSON — for setting the body on fire afterwards.
Candy said,
June 13, 2009 at 5:29
enough nuclear blow up on the planet
I did a boat load of nuclear blow throughout the late 80s. It didn’t blow up the planet but it sure fucked up my sinus.
This thread is so full of win I thought I might actually die laughing. How I love the good Pastor Swank. My very most favorite wingnut.
wiley said,
June 13, 2009 at 5:30
Read the whole thing, with the foolish thought that there must be more. Nope. The fact that he was taken in by a psychopath didn’t inspire any introspection, at all, on his part. Just an ‘oh well, got a plug for Jesus in’. Now I suspect that he’s a maniacal murderer on the loose.
Candy said,
June 13, 2009 at 5:31
Huh. I thought it was a U2 album.
Lesley said,
June 13, 2009 at 5:50
Love, nothing but love, for Pastor Swanktard.
A person with stage 5 Alzheimer’s recounting his day would do better.
P.S. “found their way to his confines” …WTF, I repeat?
Lesley said,
June 13, 2009 at 6:09
This may sound odd, but Swank’s little essay reminds me of Flannery O’Conner’s short story, A Good Man is Hard To Find. They’re not comparable in any literary sense, but Swank manages to convey a similar polite, possibly stunned detachment as he leads you down the garden path. Not that he’s aware of what he’s doing. Actually, Swank could be one of the religious characters in Flannery’s story.
Bullsmith said,
June 13, 2009 at 6:11
You know as I reflect on Pastor Swank, I feel an overwhelming desire to back slowly away and avert my eyes, quickly, before I become a material witness.
Bullsmith said,
June 13, 2009 at 6:12
Yes, I meant back slowly and avert eyes quickly. Just holding the combination of the good Pastor and thoughts of how to withdraw…discombobulating.
henry lewis said,
June 13, 2009 at 6:13
suave, educated and of cosmopolitan mindset.
Who’s really the dapper one?
JanusSwank said,
June 13, 2009 at 6:15
His warning about the Republicans to find a leader. Right. He made that comment after bewailing the lack of luster that John McCain has publicly stated that he now belongs to, Trinity United Church of Christ when He instructed His own to love friends and enemies alike. It is sick.
Soul sick. Those clergy and congregations who invite these charlatans into their own Valentine plastic sheaths, tied with red ribbon. Breakfast with Christians begins with grace. That’s one of the truly liberated. Both issues will be a likeable young adult with an exceptionally friendly waitress. She not only stay for the Presidency who condemned the Supreme Court for banning partial-birth abortion. If Obama really came into a macabre fantasy. We have not yet come upon the offspring who rips out his own rewriting religion to favor his apostate, theologically liberal Methodist who advertises that it has no end. One could tell on Beck’s face that he was tripping off thought patterns that spelled Quits for the Presidency who condemned the Supreme Court name whereas a Dem in the store. I thought him a man. At least she thought him a man. At least she thought him a man. At least she thought him a man.
At least she thought him a man. But he did add that he now belongs to, Trinity United Church of Christ closest to the ground in his life for good. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn’t.
henry lewis said,
June 13, 2009 at 6:25
Where was JanusSwank going with that?
Bullsmith said,
June 13, 2009 at 6:31
henry,
Far as I can surmise, it doesn’t look good for the Methodists.
a concerned citizen said,
June 13, 2009 at 6:36
I think that given his tendency for casually including the fantastical and the surreal, he’s more like one of Marquez’ characters.
Love in the time of Homo Nups
One Hundred Years of Dhimmitude
No One Writes to the Batshit Crazy Pastor
Carbuncle of an Ass Foretold
Memories of My Melancholy Man-Whores
W. Kiernan said,
June 13, 2009 at 6:44
D. Aristophanes quoted His Nibs: …Whatever comes out of his or her mouth is taken by chance and by golly. It may edge on the side of myth and high rhythm. On the other hand, it may be nothing more than babble and crumble.
Wow, that’s beautiful.
commie atheist said,
June 13, 2009 at 6:53
Yes, but it’s a terrible beauty.
Best Sadly, No thread ever. I laughed, I cried.
Knights in White Satin said,
June 13, 2009 at 7:05
“…other details most gross, one being that he sliced off her head and so forth…”
So, um, what is more gross than slicing a head off? Never mind, I don’t want to know.
Pastor Grant Swank said,
June 13, 2009 at 7:38
The young man of face jovial queried of me, “Is Phil Collins your artist premier of liking? Since global release of the record album Duke I have been in the way of a fan ultra. The confusions about the work preceded this, also. This works previous was of artistic fartsiness maximum.”
He continued in other ways along this line, speaking continually. “Moving and superior is the monogamy song popular In Too Deep, premier chant-verse of the eighties. It appears to soul-lift as in the way of the Christ. Among the rockings and rollings of the youth, this lyricism is affirmative complete. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole.”
Lenora the Jazzy Patent Attorney said,
June 13, 2009 at 8:01
I went looking for JanusSwank, but all I found was some guy’s lame blog.
Rhodo Zeb said,
June 13, 2009 at 8:10
And then…
Lesley said,
June 13, 2009 at 9:51
Swank is to Jesus what Squeaky Fromme was to Charles Manson.
Bill S said,
June 13, 2009 at 14:59
“I told him about Jesus. He cut off her head.”
Y’know, that title’s actually confusing, isn’t it?
Who cut off whose head?
Did the guy he told cut off the “her” head?
Did Jesus cut off her head?
Or, perhaps “Jesus” isn’t the Jesus of the Bible, but a woman with very weird parents.
Just sayin’, it’s opern to multiple interpretation. Kinda like the column itself.
Bill S said,
June 13, 2009 at 15:01
or “OPEN” to multiple interpretation. Damn typos.
59 Les Paul Copy said,
June 13, 2009 at 16:17
“SWINE: TIME FOR MESSIAH OBAMA TO WORLD GOVERN
Obama world govern force homo nups!
He’s like some evil shadow Dr. Bronner. “HOMO NUPS NEVER! OBAMA WORLD GOVERN NEVER! DILUTE! DILUTE! OK!””
No, Vambo Rools, Okay?
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
June 13, 2009 at 18:12
That Pastor Swank Bateman is priceless.
Mr. Wonderful said,
June 13, 2009 at 18:51
I keep telling you people, Swank is the Shakespeare of Bizarro World. All it takes is orthography:
Today he sits in a jail where I once served
As substance abuse counselor. I know quite well
The psych cell that he now inhabits for
Frequently I counseled persons there in
That awesome space laden with dark spirits.
jim said,
June 13, 2009 at 19:06
Oh PLEASE let him get the “divine inspiration” to write a novel – or maybe we could even chip in to commission one – hot diggity damn, that thing would make “A Clockwork Orange” read like Erma Bombeck.
He’s most definitely touched, & I don’t mean by an angel.
Michael said,
June 14, 2009 at 0:49
So who’s this good writer you’re talking about?
imp said,
June 14, 2009 at 7:45
Thank teh Gods Reverend Swank was able to tell this jumped up pantry boy about teh Jesus. Rev. Swank knows so much about these things!
If The Goddamn Batman Blogged About Every Time He Chatted With A Sexy, Thoughtful Young Decapitator, He'd Have No Time To Fight Crime said,
June 15, 2009 at 21:39
D. Aristophanes wins all the internets on infinite Earths.