May
30

Malkin: Stupid Lefties Fall For Obvious Hoax! Update: Report On ‘Hoax’ Was A Hoax




Posted at 2:44 by D. Aristophanes

Pity poor Michelle Malkin — she’s having a rough week. It turns out that ‘Dealergate’ has less to do with a conspiracy against Republican Chrysler disties and more to do with total dumbasses who can’t do basic math. What’s more vexing is that even a classic Malkin ragegasm hasn’t made 2+2=5 this time around.

Maybe she just needs to glower more. That’ll teach those pesky numbers!

Meanwhile, Malkin’s also got Bill O’Reilly on her case, though apparently he’s kind of apologized for implying she’s an overtly hateful piece of shit, when in fact it is her fans who are overtly hateful pieces of shit (Malkin is much more passive-aggressive in her hateful shit-piecing).

So not the greatest couple of days for Michelle. But being embarrassingly wrong in public is a kind of tradecraft for wingnuts, and Malkin ranks high in the guild. So she set out to really show the world how implosion is done with today’s post:

Lefty blogs punked by Mancow “torture” stunt(?); Updated

Last week, liberal blogs went ga-ga over radio talk show host Mancow’s waterboarding stunt. …

Now, there’s a paper trail that suggests the glaringly obvious — that it was all an elaborate hoax, reportedly orchestrated with the help of Jerry Springer’s publicist.

Time for B.S. detector tune-ups, people. Next time, libs, don’t be so eager to hype a veteran radio entertainer crying “torture.”

You’re the ones who end up all wet.

And then, the inevitable update:

Linda Shafran, publicist for Mancow and Springer among other celebs, e-mails the following statement:

BORED BLOGGERS ARE ALL WET
By Mancow Muller May 29, 2008

I am not a magician. Many news cameras were there!

Obviously, it was on the radio and I wasn’t in prison. I’m also not a radicalized Muslim terrorist. But it was not a hoax! I repeat: NOT A HOAX.

If nothing else, it must be admitted that Malkin has greatly increased the efficiency of the post-debunk-mock cycle that usually accompanies her output, here completely eliminating the third-party debunkers in a neatly self-contained story arc that takes her from heights of self-impressed gloating to the depths of defeat, all in a single post.

Now all she has to do is generate her own self-mockery, and we would be out of a job.

215 Comments »

  1. Vic said,

    May 30, 2009 at 2:51

    Listening to Mancow is actually classified as torture under the Geneva Convention.

  2. Liz212 said,

    May 30, 2009 at 2:54

    May I point out that Gawker actually broke this story, and while perhaps not a “lefty” blog is sure as hell not a “righty” blog, and is decidedly anti-torture, according to the Mancow posts.

  3. bayville said,

    May 30, 2009 at 2:55

    To one up Mancow, I suggest Malkin hang from a wire by her genitals –just for shits & giggles.

    .

  4. J— said,

    May 30, 2009 at 3:01

    e-mails the following statement

    Which can be found at the Big Hollywood, of course. Most trusted source: Rusty Shackleford.

  5. Pere Ubu said,

    May 30, 2009 at 3:03

    Boy, they’re just so willing to defend torture that they’ll turn on one of their own.

    This is really getting up into Bolshevik Party levels of crazy – they’re going to find Malkin strutting around the Hot Air offices (*snicker*) one of these days rolling marbles in her hands and mumbling about strawberries. (As if she isn’t doing that already…)

  6. Alkali Bill said,

    May 30, 2009 at 3:04

    What an excellent way to end the week. The only thing that could top it would be for that conservative dude who commissions portraits of himself fucking skunks to make an appearance.

  7. Pere Ubu said,

    May 30, 2009 at 3:05

    that conservative dude who commissions portraits of himself fucking skunks

    I never knew Twoofie did that. Huh.

  8. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    May 30, 2009 at 3:24

    I never knew Twoofie did that. Huh.

    Not punks, skunks.

  9. Lesley said,

    May 30, 2009 at 3:24

    Malkin should cool off with a shower on a board. I understand it’s refreshing and doesn’t hurt at all.

  10. g said,

    May 30, 2009 at 3:42

    Oh, wait. A radio DJ staged a stunt? Call in the Marines!

    And wait a minute. They’re saying its was fake, so waterboarding couldn’t be real torture.

    What’s the logic here – the stunt waterboarders were in their fake-itude harsher on Mancow as the CIA was on Khalid Sheik Mohammed – causing him to agree that waterboarding is torture?

    Mancow deliberately subjected himself to tactics WORSE than what the CIA uses on terrorists, to falsely prove it’s torture?

    I got nothing.

  11. A Malkin Reader said,

    May 30, 2009 at 3:46

    Oont! Groont!

  12. Daphne Chyprious said,

    May 30, 2009 at 3:50

    I thought only Coulter went gaga – over Bush if I remember correctly.

  13. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    May 30, 2009 at 3:56

    they’re going to find Malkin strutting around the Hot Air offices (*snicker*) one of these days rolling marbles in her hands and mumbling about strawberries. (As if she isn’t doing that already…)

    Those marbles aren’t in her hands!

  14. a concerned citizen said,

    May 30, 2009 at 3:59

    And wait a minute. They’re saying its was fake, so waterboarding couldn’t be real torture.

    Yes. And when those radio DJ’s called up Sarah Palin and pretended to be Sarkozy, that proved that France does not exist.

  15. Smut Clyde said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:02

    I thought only Coulter went gaga
    Here the subject is Radio Ga-Ga, which is different.

  16. El Cid said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:04

    The stupid libruls aren’t gonna be happy now that there are confirmed reports that Sonia Sotomayor actually shot a bank guard in a heist organized by a violent Puerto Rican independence terrorist organization, although information is now coming in that this may have just been an erroneous Wikipedia search using a name other than Sotomayor.

  17. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:06

    Now all she has to do is generate her own self-mockery, and we would be out of a job.

    Even better, she could pre-emptively publish retractions, e.g.

    “I’m about to say something stupid and wrong, but I’m not going to let that stop me from screaming it out really loud. What will it be?!?!?!”

  18. John O said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:14

    Fantastic.

    I listened to Mancow for some time in my misspent youth. He DOES have some libertarian tendencies that appeal to me. But eventually he proved himself a dick; my total listening-time was probably less than 10 hours.

    Still, he’s been good on this one!

    If Malkin had any dignity, like, say, an old-school Japanese man who dishonored everyone he knew and loved, she’d take herself out.

    Sadly, no! She’s got the 9-11 pilot righteousness thing going on in a big way, without the courage of her convictions.

  19. Colleen said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:22

    Now all she has to do is generate her own self-mockery, and we would be out of a job.

    Thank dog that ain’t gonna happen!

  20. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:23

    Those marbles aren’t in her hands!

    Her Ben Wa balls are spiked! I knew it! I could see it in her face!

  21. owlbear1 said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:31

    Jumping to conclusions, we can also say that Democratic auto dealers are more successful than Republican car dealers.

    Given: Chrysler would only get rid of the worst performing dealerships.

    If 88% of dealership give to Republicans and 92% on list are Republicans well then Democrats make better capitalists!

  22. M. Bouffant said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:34

    Har har. The fun is non-stoppadelic.

    Supposedly (per Mancow hisself on Countdown today) the publicist sent the “hoax” e-mail because radio station management, the police, fire dep’t., insurance companies & any & all other forces of repression were being pissy about the whole mess.

    Essentially, this has further confused the Real Americans, who weigh in on the issues that are most real to them.

    Was Mancow a “pussy,” who couldn’t take it? If he is of the feline persuasion, his opinion on anything & everything is invalidated, & it proves that waterboarding “works,” which seems to be more the question than “Is it torture?” Suddenly, the question at hand becomes how non-pussy you are, & how long you could hold out. Many statements of how it was fake, or how he couldn’t even last like that, when it was worse for the dirty terrorists!!

    These people don’t give one crap if it is or isn’t torture, or how rational the “ticking time-bomb” scenario is, they want to know if it works or if we should have Lockheed-Martin & Boeing start bribingbidding on a contract for carbon-fiber racks & poly-urethane iron maidens. Not to mention the $10,000.00 each hot iron pokers.

  23. Smut Clyde said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:36

    Completely OT…
    Here’s a linguistics conference hand-out on “How to name a porn star”.

  24. Dirk Diggler said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:39

    Here’s a linguistics conference hand-out on “How to name a porn star”.

    They’re overthinking it, man.

  25. Buick, Olds and Pontiac are Going Galt said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:41

    Bob Owens deserves a new grill for this.

  26. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:41

    Suddenly, the question at hand becomes how non-pussy you are, & how long you could hold out.

    Well, the empirical approach is the most effective, I’d think.

  27. henry lewis said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:41

    Now all she has to do is generate her own self-mockery, and we would be out of a job.

    Wingnut Buffoonery Number 47!!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Number 12!!

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    I think number 12 is my favorite.

  28. owlbear1 said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:42

    Is surreptitious dosing with mind-altering chemicals a form of torture?

  29. Auguste said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:42

    though apparently he’s kind of apologized for implying she’s an overtly hateful piece of shit, when in fact it is her fans who are overtly hateful pieces of shit

    Considering Malkin wrote a book whose main purpose was to bring obscure diarists at DKos forward as the New Faces of the Democratic Party (including one parody), I don’t see why she needs an apology anyway.

  30. Doug Watts said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:44

    Malkin is right. It was obviously a total fake. If Mancow actually got waterboarded, as a good Republican, he would have worn three wetsuits and had a dildo up his ass.

  31. D said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:49

    Malkin says: Now, there’s a paper trail that suggests the glaringly obvious — that it was all an elaborate hoax…”

    Glaringly obvious to the mentally retarded, maybe. You know, I read about the whole “hoax” theory this morning, and I thought “This doesn’t make any sense.” Why would a guy who doesn’t think waterboarding is torture submit himself to the technique, then come out telling everyone that, yeah, it is torture, only later to be discovered as faking the whole thing. Was his point to make himself look like a dipshit? Or to pwn liberal bloggers? To Malkin, yes, it’s glaringly obvious that that’s the case. Maybe that’s why she’s the Senior Countertop Correspondent for Hot Air and I’m not.

  32. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:49

    If Malkin had any dignity, like, say, an old-school Japanese man who dishonored everyone he knew and loved, she’d take herself out.

    Malkin wrote a book about interning that man’s American relatives.

  33. PeeJ said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:50

    Now all she has to do is generate her own self-mockery, and we would be out of a job.

    Ummm. Umm. Um?

  34. PeeJ said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:51

    Smut Clyde said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:36

    Completely OT…
    Here’s a linguistics conference hand-out on “How to name a porn star”.

    SC gets invited to all the really cool conventions.

  35. Doug Watts said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:53

    Now all she has to do is generate her own self-mockery, and we would have a perpetual motion machine.

    word.

  36. oh noes, it's a christofascist said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:54

    Wow, Malkin reproduces Mancow’s email on her site for all the world to see and you find fault.
    If she had not updated you would have griped as well. Make up your mind, already.

    Oh, yeah…..

    Aloysius teh Sadlynaut Clown has an idea

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=megoE6kX0SQ

    Pay attention to the very end

  37. Smut Clyde said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:59

    In my defense, I did have a legitimate reason to be reading Paul Kay’s work on construction grammars before I became sidetracked.

  38. Doug Watts said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:59

    I can’t wait until Ace does his world famous “eating a pile of steaming shit” hoax.

  39. Doug Watts said,

    May 30, 2009 at 5:01

    In my defense, I did have a legitimate reason to be reading Paul Kay’s work on construction grammars before I became sidetracked.

    I buy it for the articles, not the racy sentence diagram centerfold.

  40. Mancunian said,

    May 30, 2009 at 5:02

    1. Fake being waterboarded
    2. ?
    3. Profit!

  41. The Ghost of Randy Newman said,

    May 30, 2009 at 5:07

    Christofascist got
    no reason
    Christofascist got
    no reason
    Christofascist got no reason to live.

    They got little brains
    Little eyes
    They walk around
    Tellin’ great big lies
    They got fat bellies
    And tiny little dicks
    Always freakin out over
    Supreme Court picks

    Well, I don’t want no Christofascist
    Don’t want no Christofascist
    Don’t want no Christofascist
    `Round here

  42. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    May 30, 2009 at 5:07

    Doug Watts said,
    May 30, 2009 at 5:01

    In my defense, I did have a legitimate reason to be reading Paul Kay’s work on construction grammars before I became sidetracked.

    I buy it for the articles, not the racy sentence diagram centerfold.

    I buy it because I’m forced to wade through all that Chomskian crap to get my Soros bux!

  43. Johnny Coelacanth said,

    May 30, 2009 at 5:11

    Hey, that porn stuff is teh hawt:

    2. Source of data: cast lists in Adam Gay Video directories for 1993, 1997.
    Removed: specifically Black, Hispanic, French, Thai, or Eastern European films. (Some of the
    actors nevertheless belong to these groups.)
    Raw data: 2,622 tokens. Analysis of FNs only.
    Removed: 27 initialisms (J.D., K.C., J.T., T.J., J.R., J.W, B.J., P.C., etc.), 3 nicknames (Papa
    Bear, Bat Boy, Angel Boy). But note the metrical patterns.
    Remaining: 456 types, counting homophones as a single type.

    Heh heh, he said “homophones.”

  44. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    May 30, 2009 at 5:28

    Bat Boy has been reduced to making p0rn?

    The Weekly World News will answer for their exploitation!

  45. The Blart Amendment said,

    May 30, 2009 at 5:44

    I always thought that The Homophones would be a great name for a gay ska band.

  46. jim said,

    May 30, 2009 at 5:48

    Zoom! From “glaringly obvious” to “load of baloney” in less than a day! Naturally her promptitude in correcting her latest of a legion of fuckups is yet more proof that she is Teh Greatest Blogger In Teh UNIVERSE.

    At least she doesn’t do something REALLY crazy like admitting she was too lazy/stupid to fact-check (just how in the hell would you “hoax” a waterboarding with numerous witnesses & video-cameras recording it?) or apologize to the fanboys for her craven ideological leg-humping.

    To judge from the comments there, it seems General Petraeus had something to do with Mancow being waterboarded or something. Guy must have a mighty light schedule.

  47. Desdemona said,

    May 30, 2009 at 7:06

    When it call comes out in the wash, the CIA kidnapped his children. Two sons. They threatened him with harm to his children. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was shot several times and then denied medical treatment for his wounds unless he co-operated.

    No snark. Just me being sick and fucking tired of hearing anyone justify this.

    It doesn’t matter if we get “good” information. That’s very much in question. But who are the people who condone and encourage this that live among us?

    They should shuttle to the dark like cockroaches when a light is turned on.

  48. Johnny Pez said,

    May 30, 2009 at 7:07

    I think I’ve seen this bit before in an episode of Three’s Company. Now something happens to convince Malkin that it really was a hoax after all, and then after she goes apeshit something else happens to make her realize it wasn’t a hoax, and she apologizes again. And then, the same again.

  49. Tyrone Shoelaces said,

    May 30, 2009 at 7:20

    The fact is, SN is NOT blocked in Red China! Why? Because you are a bunch of COMMIES!

    How do I know it’s not blocked> Cuz that’s where I am rite now?

    You’ll be happy to know that Atrios, Kos, and Huffington are, in fact blocked.

    So there it is is.

  50. Jennifer said,

    May 30, 2009 at 7:31

    Sadly doesn’t get through because they’re commies; they get through because of the universal appeal of TEH BUTTOCKS.

    Atrios, Kos and Huffington, on the other hand, are blocked because they SUCK.

  51. DrDick said,

    May 30, 2009 at 7:50

    Wow! Malkin got rebutted before she even got properly butted on this one. Maybe she can work up to one where she is actually rebutted before she even says anything.

  52. Nom de Plume said,

    May 30, 2009 at 8:09

    she could pre-emptively publish retractions

    Perhaps she could structure her columns like most of the radio spots I hear these days, which consist of roughly 10% copy and 90% disclaimer. The first sentence would be read at a normal pace, and everything after it would be in an absurdly rapid-fire voice, utterly disavowing whatever was in the opening sentence.

  53. Joe Max said,

    May 30, 2009 at 8:17

    Was Mancow a “pussy,” who couldn’t take it? If he is of the feline persuasion, his opinion on anything & everything is invalidated, & it proves that waterboarding “works,” which seems to be more the question than “Is it torture?” Suddenly, the question at hand becomes how non-pussy you are, & how long you could hold out.

    According to the on-air statement of the ex-Marine who administered the waterboarding, none of his subjects lasted more than 14 seconds, tops. And his subjects were Marines and Navy SEALs. So Mancow the radio host is roughly 55-60% less of a manly-man than the toughest SEAL cadet. Sounds about right, and frankly, nothing to be embarrassed about. SEALs are pretty fucking tough, after all.

  54. Johnny Pez said,

    May 30, 2009 at 8:18

    Did you see Three’s Company last night? Well, Jack’s going out with this chick named Michelle, and when they meet Janet and Chrissy, Jack goes into the kitchen, and Michelle like completely flips out, and Janet and Chrissy realize she’s completely nuts, right? But Jack’s never around when she flips out, so Janet and Chrissy spend the whole show trying to get Michelle to flip out when Jack’s around, but it never works, right? So Janet and Chrissy decide there’s nothing they can do. But then, they’re all at the Regal Beagle, and Jack puts some dijon mustard on his burger, and Michelle totally freaks out right there and walks out on him. Man you shoulda seen the look on Jack’s face!

  55. Nom de Plume said,

    May 30, 2009 at 8:21

    Well, Jack’s going out with this chick named Michelle

    Then the Ropers come in, and Mr. Roper delivers some really easy setup line that suggests they never have sex, and Mrs. Roper runs with it. It never gets old, I tell you.

  56. Johnny Coelacanth said,

    May 30, 2009 at 8:34

    “It never gets old, I tell you.”

    Indeed. Remember the time they did that thing and it was all a huge misunderstanding that could have been cleared up by the characters behaving like real human beings? Classic.

  57. Johnny Coelacanth said,

    May 30, 2009 at 8:48

    I’m trolling Freepertrash for conservative vs. conservative Schadenfreude and boy did ever find some. There are multiple threads trashing Cornyn for saying that maybe Limbaugh and Newt were intemperate in there remarks in re Sonia Sotomayor. Here’s my favorite:

    Hey Cornyn…She *is* a racist pig…she *is* a sexist pig…and she *is* a socialist enslaver!

    And *you, you Rockefeller RINO…are a masochistic suicidal liar, with no backbone or honorable convictions. Go on and get together with the other slit nose, sleps with the damned whores, like Spector, Collins & Snowe.

    I’m not sure what that business about slit nosed sleps is; probably something to do with teabagging or another arcane conservative ritual. At any rate, Cornyn, the senator from Texas; staunch ally of George W. Bush; ranked by National Journal as the fourth-most conservative United States Senator, is a RINO and a traitor. Thank you, Jesus.

  58. Johnny Coelacanth said,

    May 30, 2009 at 8:50

    “there”? It was bad enough I dropped the “I” before “ever” but I actually wrote “there” when I meant “their”? Fuck me.

    (and wordpress too)

  59. Wyatt Watts III said,

    May 30, 2009 at 8:52

    Did you see Three’s Company last night? Well, Jack’s going out with this chick named Michelle…

    That was a good episode. Did you also see that episode of the Brady Bunch where Bobby Brady gave a book report about how we should do more to help sick kids and then Michelle Malkin started stalking him, snooped around the Brady household, and published the Bradys’ address and personal information on her blog?

  60. The Kid From Kounty Meath said,

    May 30, 2009 at 9:08

    “At any rate, Cornyn, the senator from Texas; staunch ally of George W. Bush; ranked by National Journal as the fourth-most conservative United States Senator, is a RINO and a traitor. Thank you, Jesus.”
    Well. considering the Republik Party only exists anymore to try to fuck Obama’s shit up and jack off to Reagan’s corpse, I guess conceding the basic humanity of an Obama nominee (and a Hispano-Rican, too! Heavens!) DOES make you a RINO.

  61. Lesley said,

    May 30, 2009 at 9:16

    John Bolton was on Real Time tonight looking more than ever like a muppet caricature with that wacked hair and giant mooooooostache.

    He’s kind of like that actor D.A. uses in his movies with the open track jacket and orange moustache only with more moustache.

  62. D. Aristophanes said,

    May 30, 2009 at 9:26

    I saw Bolton on Maher too … what a grumpy tool. Whitest white guy ever. What does Pam Atlas see in that guy, other than his chiseled hatred of Arabs?

  63. Dr Zen said,

    May 30, 2009 at 9:29

    So a rightwing radio host is supposed to have been pretending to be a whiny pants-pissing fool, and we are idiots for being taken in by him?

    Next: I am fooled into thinking a duck is a duck because it quacks. The update reveals that it is in fact a duck.

  64. Lesley said,

    May 30, 2009 at 9:44

    Hatred of Arabs is all Pam requires. That and a certain amount of power, prestige and money.

  65. M. Bouffant said,

    May 30, 2009 at 10:06

    So, dulled out (& curious) I looked up “slit nose” for you.

    Typical twisted right wing torture stuff, oddly enough. Yellow Stars of David & pink triangles won’t be enough for these humanoids; they’ll want to brand everyone before they ship them away.

  66. t4toby said,

    May 30, 2009 at 11:17

    But being embarrassingly wrong in public is a kind of tradecraft for wingnuts, and Malkin ranks high in the guild. So she set out to really show the world how implosion is done…

    Word. s.

  67. justme said,

    May 30, 2009 at 11:56

    Ohhhh, the ‘Stache-erpillar.

    Any time I see him on the tube my chin quickly reaches mid-chest as I stare agog at how unapologetically shithouse-rat insane he really is. It’s that train-wreck, can’t-look-away thing. I keep thinking “There is no way they let you in the room with the grown-ups, or even off your ward.” Then I remember, oh jeebus, Ambassador to the fucking U.N. The smiling face that the whole world saw as ours.

    I don’t know that I will ever fully understand the last eight years. I sort of hope I never do.

    Regardless, I wish these stinking wads of failfuck would climb back in their holes so we aren’t constantly assaulted by their push for media overload. You lost, turdsnorkles. Go the fuck away.

  68. Smut Clyde said,

    May 30, 2009 at 13:18

    Then the Ropers come in, and Mr. Roper delivers some really easy setup line that suggests they never have sex,

    Feck you people are old.

  69. Realist said,

    May 30, 2009 at 14:17

    There was a poll on the one of the sites that showed the Mancow waterboarding video. It says a lot about the general stupidity of his listeners that even after watching him wimp out, 12% still thought they were tough enough to withstand being waterboarded.

  70. N__B said,

    May 30, 2009 at 14:18

    Feck you people are old.

    I prefer to think of myself as fully ripe.

  71. M. Bouffant said,

    May 30, 2009 at 14:41

    SC, it’s funny because we’re old now. The sophistication involved in low-libido humour doesn’t become apparent for about 35 yrs.

  72. M. Bouffant said,

    May 30, 2009 at 14:42

    When we’ve ripened.

  73. John D. said,

    May 30, 2009 at 15:33

    Remember the Three’s Company episode where Chrissy falls asleep on the lviing room couch and wakes up with Jack’s cock in her mouth? (He’d been sleepwalking in the nude!) This, of course, was during the ongoing “Jack Dates Michelle Malkin” plotline that lasted for most of Season 3, and when they’re trying to extricate themselves, that’s the moment that Michelle walks in, happy as a clam because her new medication appears to be working. Once she sees the two roomies in such a compromising position, needless to say, hilarity ensues: MM goes compeltely apeshit, snatches up a pair of scissors and starts chasing the pair, screaming that she’s gonna gough their eyes out. What a mix up!!!!!!!

  74. Jacob Singer said,

    May 30, 2009 at 15:54

    “Wow! Malkin got rebutted before she even got properly butted on this one.”

    Well, there goes my appetite this morning. And I had bacon on the stove!

  75. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    May 30, 2009 at 16:18

    Not as old as we’ll be tomorrow.

  76. D. Aristophanes said,

    May 30, 2009 at 16:32

    Commenter on the Malkin post:

    On May 30th, 2009 at 9:01 am, Socky said:

    Once again, it comes down to what you value more, real human lives or your own notions of political correctness.

    I think if you are unwilling to pour water on a terrorist’s nose for thirty seconds to save innocent lives, that shows where your values are. You value the comfort of terrorists more than real human lives.

    That, in my mind, is evil.

    And Godwin peeked over the curtains …

  77. El Cid said,

    May 30, 2009 at 16:40

    By the way, we’ve just received a verified report that Sonia Sotomayor was in fact one of the 19 hijackers on 9/11, so I think we can all imagine how the libruls are now going to defend the 19 La Raza hijackers, although we’ve also just received information that the preceding was in fact just some stuff I imagined and we will not be fooled by the librul hoaxernauts.

  78. You Can't Put Lipstick On A Repig said,

    May 30, 2009 at 16:53

    The comments on Stalkin’ Malkin’s site are priceless. From the department of “repigs Get Their Ideas From Movies” comes this brilliant one:

    “BTW – you’re wrong about the rape thing. Male-on-male rape was/is an acceptable part of aggressive tribal warfare in that part of the world: it is/was seen as the ultimate defeat of an enemy – humiliation through the exertion of dominance and denial of the enemy’s status as a man. Did you not see Midnight Express or Lawrence of Arabia?”

    Maybe Dan Quayle (of Murphy Brown fame) is posting.

  79. kiki said,

    May 30, 2009 at 16:53

    I can practically hear the cogs ticking in Hannity’s brain as he hears about this and starts trying to work out how a person actually could fake being waterboarded on TV; then he could say it was no worse than laughing milk through your nose and blar-har Olbermann sux.

    Then I can hear him throwing his coffee at some runner for not having thought of it earllier.

  80. post partisan said,

    May 30, 2009 at 17:05

    Maybe ten years ago, I heard Mancow three different times for about an hour a pop. Needless to say it was horrible.

    But what made his brand of horror unique from the horror to be found from other shock jocks was his refusal to even commit to the role of being a total jackass. If your sole purpose in life is to be an asshole, then I expect you to be an asshole. Suck it up, do your job. Full stop.

    Each time I heard him, he followed this really sad little cycle of 1) be an asshole, 2) back off of being an asshole just a little, 3) back off a little more, remind audience it is all in fun, 4) remind everyone we’re all really friends at the end of the day and that anyone who thought they just heard you being an asshole must have not heard you right anyway, 5) it’s just like when I beat cancer!@ , then go back and repeat, choosing something new about which to be an asshole.

    So when the most viciously daft of bloggers is confronted with the most passive aggressive of shock jocks, it isn’t really too surprising that hilarious misunderstandings arise.

  81. D. Aristophanes said,

    May 30, 2009 at 17:07

    Well, there is the invisible scuba gear that Mancow was wearing during his ‘waterboarding’ … but you will never hear the MSM investigate that!

  82. Johnny Coelacanth said,

    May 30, 2009 at 17:25

    “So, dulled out (& curious) I looked up “slit nose” for you. ”

    I kinda knew what that was about: Native American types marking up their chattel or somesuch. It was the “sleps” bit that most intrigued me. Even if the writer meant “sleeps,” it still doesn’t make sense. Bit it’s from Freak Repugnant so sense isn’t really part of the package.

  83. kenga said,

    May 30, 2009 at 17:31

    Not as old as we’ll be tomorrow.
    How true it is, quite literally.

  84. Rusty Shackleford said,

    May 30, 2009 at 17:35

    How does she not generate her own self-mockery?

  85. Jennifer said,

    May 30, 2009 at 17:38

    Now all she has to do is generate her own self-mockery, and we would be out of a job.

    Uh…you mean the cheerleading stunt wasn’t about that?

  86. Pere Ubu said,

    May 30, 2009 at 17:48

    Heh heh, he said “homophones.”

    Yeah, linguistics is probably the hottest of the hard sciences. Lots of lip and tongue action, affricates and glottals, and don’t spare the bi-labials!

  87. Rusty Shackleford said,

    May 30, 2009 at 17:50

    Yeah, linguistics is probably the hottest of the hard sciences.

    Geology has kimberlite shafts, the Mohs scale of hardness, and the Grand Tetons.

  88. Pere Ubu said,

    May 30, 2009 at 17:53

    Yeah, but geologists don’t know how to orient their tongues for major effect, do they?

  89. Rusty Shackleford said,

    May 30, 2009 at 17:59

    *bows head*

    No.

  90. a concerned citizen said,

    May 30, 2009 at 18:04

    You value the comfort of terrorists more than real human lives.

    The thing is, “you value the comfort of X more than real human lives” has been the crux of most every conservative argument, at least since Reagan, and most especially the past few months post-Bush.

    Home loan bailout, estate tax, health care, capping CEO pay: valuing lower/middle class over real human lives
    Sotomayor nomination, immigration reform, civil unions: minorities over real Americans
    Obama’s election: happened because real Americans are now a minority in this country. Among real Americans, this is still a center-right country
    etc.

    Which is why any attempts to make the Republican party a big tent are bound to fail. Bush made the tent as big as it gets. Say what you will about the douchebag, he at least offered a more egalitarian and inclusive version of the Republican party than anybody else has in the past 25 years, or probably will for the next 6-8 years. Republicans can’t distance themselves from Bush’s legacy without also letting go of what little inclusiveness he tried to bring to the party.

    The problem is really that Democrats have slid so far to the right over the past 50 years. What would Eisenhower and Nixon be these days? Eisenhower ranted about the military-industrial complex and wanted to establish a Department of Peace — that’s Kucinich/Nader territory these days.

    With Bush having made the “Democrats with more explosions and less abortions” part of the spectrum totally uninhabitable, where the fuck else are they supposed to go and still be the opposition party? The only way to make the Republicans less crazy is for Democrats to move over to the left, or for a party even further to the right to suck off significant numbers of the cretinous wing of the Republican party to allow centrists to take the Republican brand back. It seems inevitable that one of those two has to happen in the next few years.

  91. N__B said,

    May 30, 2009 at 18:08

    “Did you not see Midnight Express or Lawrence of Arabia?”

    Funny they should ask that. I actually didn’t see Lawrence of Arabia until twenty years after I read “Florence of Arabia” in MAD. Imagine my disappointment.

  92. tigrismus said,

    May 30, 2009 at 18:13

    The thing is, “you value the comfort of X more than real human lives” has been the crux of most every conservative argument, at least since Reagan, and most especially the past few months post-Bush.

    Yes indeed, with the added oddness of X usually being real human lives, too, just ones the Righties feel it’s OK to value less.

  93. Nom de Plume said,

    May 30, 2009 at 18:19

    What would Eisenhower and Nixon be these days?

    Unelectably “liberal”, at least in Eisenhower’s case. The man initiated public works projects that Obama could only dream about. Oh, and he nominated Earl Warren to the SCOTUS. That would bring instant impeachment nowadays.

  94. Galt's Gulch Water Board said,

    May 30, 2009 at 18:37

    Malkin: Auto-Snotchonization.

  95. Brandi said,

    May 30, 2009 at 19:01

    Unelectably “liberal”, at least in Eisenhower’s case.

    Nixon established the Consumer Protection Act, the
    EPA, and OSHA, the filthy anti-business bastard.

  96. justme said,

    May 30, 2009 at 19:20

    “BTW – you’re wrong about the rape thing. Male-on-male rape was/is an acceptable part of aggressive tribal warfare in that part of the world: it is/was seen as the ultimate defeat of an enemy – humiliation through the exertion of dominance and denial of the enemy’s status as a man. Did you not see Midnight Express or Lawrence of Arabia?”

    Because all that cornholin’ I’m involved in ain’t really sex, y’know. It’s manly. It’s like sports. The thrill of victory! The agony of defeat! Yeah. That’s what it is. ‘Cause I’m not one o them homos, y’know. It’s just part of the game. That’s what Coach said, anyway.

    Someone protesteth a bit much, methinks.

  97. Realist said,

    May 30, 2009 at 20:02

    You might be able to fake waterboarding using a good pair of noseplugs. Then all you’d have to do is keep your mouth shut and hold your breath for twenty, thirty seconds or so – presto, you’re the toughest guy evar!

    Of course, the noseplugs would be pretty obvious as soon as you tried to talk. Still, I’d bet a clever YouTube producer could make a realistic-looking clip of someone “enduring” waterboarding with a little fancy editing a la Vince Shlomi.

  98. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    May 30, 2009 at 20:09

    a la Vince Shlomi.

    I rate for Billy Mays.

  99. J Neo Marvin said,

    May 30, 2009 at 21:14

    “BTW – you’re wrong about the rape thing. Male-on-male rape was/is an acceptable part of aggressive tribal warfare in that part of the world: it is/was seen as the ultimate defeat of an enemy – humiliation through the exertion of dominance and denial of the enemy’s status as a man. Did you not see Midnight Express or Lawrence of Arabia?”

    What is this, the San Quentin School Of Gender Theory?

  100. Simba B said,

    May 30, 2009 at 21:23

    What is this, the San Quentin School Of Gender Theory?

    Quentin Crisp?

  101. Nosfer-Blart-Two said,

    May 30, 2009 at 21:52

    Hey Malkin (Jesse or Michele)! Obama had cheeseburgers with mustard again this week, this time from Five Guys Burgers & Fries. Not a hoax, so you can get all worked up over it (snicker) without worrying that you’ll look like an idiot…again (snicker). After all the whole ‘mustard on cheeseburger’ thing worked out so well for you last time, you should go for it again. (snicker)

  102. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    May 30, 2009 at 21:57

    <a href=”http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/slideshow/ALeqM5hGknvvBD1vBVur0B6oJ_rZxslnMAD98G3JNG0?index=5″True!

  103. Lunch Lady said,

    May 30, 2009 at 21:59

    Between you and me, kid, don’t touch the soup.

  104. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    May 30, 2009 at 21:59

    Damn you turd-press!

    Pic
    ~

  105. Lesley said,

    May 30, 2009 at 23:08

    I captured the many faces of John Bolton from last night’s Real Time.

    Large size.

    Dr. Seuss would have loved this guy.

  106. The Republic Party's Plan for America said,

    May 30, 2009 at 23:13

    Note and Media Alert:

    The “Water-board Hoax!” story — meant to replace the “Obama targeting conservative Chrysler dealers” attack — due to unforeseen circumstances, should be dropped.

    Go back to the “Chrysler” gag for now.

  107. wingnut bloggers said,

    May 30, 2009 at 23:43

    Fortunately, we have a baseline to fall back on: the birth certificate vault copy, Islamophobia, accusations of socialism, America-hating, terrorist-sympathizing, reverse racism, elitism, and so on.

    The slightly more intelligent among us can apply at least one of these to most any situation, real or imagined, and quickly become enraged about it.

  108. You Can't Put Lipstick On A Repig said,

    May 30, 2009 at 23:46

    Taking a break from weekend yardwork, so I looked over at the loony bin at redstate.org. BOY ARE THEY ANGRY!!!

    Why? Here is the shorter of the 11:43AM (today) post:

    “We are OUTRAGED that a negro told a white person that they are going to have a negro President!!!”

    There is so much laughter inside my brain that I gonna tie a rope around my head to prevent an explosion.

  109. Pere Ubu said,

    May 30, 2009 at 23:54

    “We are OUTRAGED that a negro told a white person that they are going to have a negro President!!!”

    “What was that?”

    “I think he said the President is near!”

  110. The Kid From Kounty Meath said,

    May 31, 2009 at 0:03

    ” ‘What was that?’

    ‘I think he said the President is near!’ ”

    Okay, after that, if the next SN! picture of Stalkin doesn’t have her ‘Shopped to look like Miss Harriet Van Johnson, well I’ll… I’ll probably cry a little.

  111. troofie, jr said,

    May 31, 2009 at 0:13

    Yeah, unfortunately the Pravda article was not written by Doughy Pantload of Daniel “Crack” Pipes, but by a Russian who knows Marxism when he sees it.

    That’s why you have nothing to say.

  112. troofie jr. said,

    May 31, 2009 at 0:16

    Daddy’s cock is in my mouth and I have to let him call me Bristol Palin.
    That’s why I have nothing to say.

  113. M. Bouffant said,

    May 31, 2009 at 0:25

    Doughy Pantload of Daniel “Crack” Pipes

    Is that the pedigree of a hideously inbred yappy fucking dog?

    And I already have the “US to break into six parts” Pravda essay bookmarked, thanks.

  114. Pere Ubu said,

    May 31, 2009 at 0:37

    And I already have the “US to break into six parts” Pravda essay bookmarked, thanks.

    So is Twoofie going to expand on the concept of HOW exactly “Marxism” is supposed to cause the U.S. to break up like that? ‘Cause I ain’t seeing it, unless it has something to do with the perennial childishness of the American conservative.

  115. You Can't Put Lipstick On A Repig said,

    May 31, 2009 at 0:42

    the perennial childishness of the American conservative.

    I hear the ‘pigs are test-marketing this phrase for campaign 2010:

    “We Will Pout Until You Vote For Us”

  116. The Kid From Kounty Meath said,

    May 31, 2009 at 0:45

    I think Troofus is just deferring to Pravda since he assumes a Russian guy has a better grasp of the definition of socialism than he does. To be fair, so does a turnip.

  117. troofie jr. sr. XXV said,

    May 31, 2009 at 0:47

    Bookmark it, libs!
    McCain will win!
    Tedisco will win!
    Commies!
    Also!
    Oops, I crapped myself again.

  118. Troofie said,

    May 31, 2009 at 1:02

    Is there anybody here who knows CIA agents or hot strippers?

  119. Troofie's Internet Tough Guy Schizoid Personality said,

    May 31, 2009 at 1:09

    Ooh! Me! I do! I’m a super-spy astronaut!
    Also, fuck with the bull and you WILL get the MAWFUCKIN’ HORNS!

  120. The Backing Band from "Once" said,

    May 31, 2009 at 1:12

    “Is there anybody here who knows CIA agents or hot strippers?”
    We only play Lizzy.

  121. El Cid said,

    May 31, 2009 at 1:19

    Is there anybody here who knows CIA agents or hot strippers?

    You realize that you’re rubbing the turd lamp and thus wishing for the shit genie to appear?

    Not that I’ll see anything but dancing badgers.

  122. The Foolful Problem With Women said,

    May 31, 2009 at 1:27

    I think Troofus is just deferring to Pravda since he assumes a Russian guy has a better grasp of the definition of socialism than he does.

    I think, for a change, it’s NOT actually The Truth. Because for a start he hated being called Troof. It’s actually more likely a troll; in particular the above made me laugh… I know no one ever bothers following his links, real or no, but as a student of Russia at B.A. (hons) level, I was wondering what the now certifiably insane Pravda was wittering on about… and I then followed up the link to the author’s own blog from the article, and if he’s a Marxist, I’m a melon. Because he heads his blog with a quote from Romans, and the Russian Orthodox Cross. So whoever wanted to troll you just quoted from an equally insane Russian Nationalist, one who apparently is extremely incensed about homosexuality at the moment. Apparently that Eurovision thing must have really upset him… all those gay men openly displaying their perverted desires… so it’s just a cheap shot of quickly linking to another frustrated fascist and getting everyone to mock The Truth at the same time. Lazy troll, lazy!

  123. Smut Clyde said,

    May 31, 2009 at 1:36

    Not that I’ll see anything but dancing badgers.
    We warned you to lay off the brown acid.

  124. Nosfer-Blart-Two said,

    May 31, 2009 at 2:14

    um…is this like where we have only one thread for the whole weekend and it gets like six hundred comments and then on monday there are like five posts in a row and there are like only twenty five comments on each one?

  125. OneMan said,

    May 31, 2009 at 2:21

    “We Will Pout Until You Vote For Us”

    “If you don’t vote for our guys, we’ll hold our breath ’till we turn blue!”

  126. papa zita said,

    May 31, 2009 at 2:22

    #

    Smut Clyde said,

    May 30, 2009 at 4:36 (kill)

    Completely OT…
    Here’s a linguistics conference hand-out on “How to name a porn star”.

    Them’s some cunning linguists.

  127. Jennifer said,

    May 31, 2009 at 2:22

    Yes. Yes, it is like that.

    Of course, we could always go off on a diversionary topic, such as flocks of wild parrots inhabiting major US cities.

    It worked once before.

  128. Jennifer said,

    May 31, 2009 at 2:24

    Here’s a linguistics conference hand-out on “How to name a porn star”.

    Is it anything like the formula for drag queen names? Something like you take your first name from your childhood pet, and your last name from the street you grew up on.

    Somehow I don’t see Frank Ridgeway catching on as a drag queen.

  129. ron said,

    May 31, 2009 at 2:27

    old US is breaking up story is old.

  130. El Cid said,

    May 31, 2009 at 2:30

    If the U.S. breaks up then we can rebuild it for like $6 million, only this time it’ll be better… stronger… faster….

  131. Nosfer-Blart-Two said,

    May 31, 2009 at 2:41

    If we do break up the United States into pieces I’ve got dibs on New Transylvania!

  132. justme said,

    May 31, 2009 at 2:46

    Is there anybody here who knows CIA agents or hot strippers?

    No, but if you hum a few bars I could fake it.

  133. Lili Von Shtupp said,

    May 31, 2009 at 2:50

    “I think he said the President is near!”

    It’s twoo! It’s twoo!

  134. Steerpike said,

    May 31, 2009 at 2:50

    Actually, Mancow’s WB session truly was a setup. To make it more realistic, let’s do it again, and let’s do it “the right way” this time. Let’s have him waterboarded by someone who viscerally hates him, and believes he deserves far worse than what he is receiving. Let’s have him snatched off the street, or out of his bed in the middle of the night, with no warning, by brutal, masked commandos who ignore him, or laugh in his face when he demands (then begs) to know what this is all about. Let’s have him thrown into a primitive cell–a cage, really, naked and terrified, with no one to talk to except jeering gaurds who don’t even speak his language. Let’s keep him there for a few weeks or months, with days of bright lights and blaring rap music, interspersed at random with periods of darkness and silence, so that he loses all sense of time and orientation to the world. Let’s keep him there, naked or nearly naked, in a cell the temperature of a meat locker, and handcuff him with his hands stretched awkwardly above his head behind him, for hours, or dangle him from the ceiling for days at a time, unltil his legs become so swollen he will be unable to walk normally for the rest of his life. Let him slowly come to the realization that no one, anywhere, has any concern for his well being, and in fact, that the citizens in his captors’ home country would just as soon he died, even if he doesn’t have any “actionable” intelligence to share. THEN, after he’s gone through this for so long that he begins to forget any life before the world of pain and fear he now lives in, THEN, let’s waterboard him, and let’s do it right: no gently laying him back on the couch in front of a sympathetic audience and cameras; no friendly Marine to administer the procedure with a pre-torture pep-talk to let him know what to expect; no safe teddy bear to drop to indicate when he’s “had enough”; no ending the process until or unless his tormentors decide to relent. Let’s haul him into the chamber with no warning of what is coming. Let’s strap his naked, shivering body onto the table roughly and securely, with no concern for such niceties as dislocated joints or even broken bones. Let’s shout into his face repeatedly in a foreign language, so that he’s suitably terrified and confused when we start pouring the water in his sputtering, screaming face. And let’s do this not once, but over and over again, maybe twenty of thirty times over a period of days or weeks. THEN let’s ask him if this is torture. Chances are, he probably won’t even answer, until he thinks he knows what “they” want him to say. He won’t be picking up a microphone and saying, “gee, that sure WAS torture! Golly, I sure don’t want to go through that again!” No, what he will be doing is crying, blubbering and making animal noises. Chances are he won’t be able to communicate with other human beings for quite awhile after going through our little program, maybe weeks or months, or even longer. Once he has recovered, he probably won’t want to talk about his ordeal for several years, if ever. It is doubtful he will ever be able to return to his life as a confident, cocky drive-time radio personality. More likely he will seek a quieter, more private sort of career. He will, most likely, turn to drugs or strong drink, so that he can sleep without reliving our little experiment in nightmares, and he will need a light on in his bedroom when he does manage to drift off. Whatever relationships he has now will be strained or broken, and he may very well take his own life within a few years, to finally escape the hollow, terrified husk of a man we have made him. But hey, at least it isn’t “torture”, right?

  135. PeeJ said,

    May 31, 2009 at 2:51

    HAHA st00pit™ punk bitches!

    My drag name was Bertha Van Nation. Not really. That was a friend’s drag name which I wanted to steal.

  136. The Waco Kid said,

    May 31, 2009 at 2:54

    What did you expect? “Welcome, sonny”? “Make yourself at home”? “Marry my daughter”? You’ve got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know… morons.

  137. Jennifer said,

    May 31, 2009 at 2:55

    It’s not a drag queen name, but I’ve always felt sorry for Warren Peace, whom I do not know personally though I know he is out there, somewhere.

  138. Jennifer said,

    May 31, 2009 at 3:03

    What Steerpike said.

    Though I’d like to add, there is another deeply disturbing component to this which has to date had approximately zero media attention: what the whole process does to the torturers.

    The typical wingnut has been wetting his pants over Guantanamo detainees being housed in supermax facilities inside the US, but nary a peep about Johnny down the block who got back from his duty as a prison guard at Abu Ghraib and started dating his daughter 6 months later.

  139. Smut Clyde said,

    May 31, 2009 at 3:04

    I buy it for the articles, not the racy sentence diagram centerfold.

    Dear Editor,
    I never thought I’d find myself writing a letter to the Journal of Computational Linguistics…

  140. justme said,

    May 31, 2009 at 3:06

    Steerpike,

    I can’t imagine that anything named Mancow is actually worth all that bother.

    Now, if you want to start talking about the folks who began the whole issue in the first place by, well, ordering torture and doing their damndest to mainstream it, in defiance of bog knows how many domestic and international laws and treaties, our Constitution, common sense and moral direction, then I’m with ya.

    I might settle for seeing them in stocks on The Mall in DC accompanied by a very large supply of overripe fruits and vegetables of varying sizes up to and including watermelons and possibly coconuts.

  141. m13ky said,

    May 31, 2009 at 3:14

    Why do you want to have this debate?

    Or to put it another way, why do you think a debate is somehow valid?

    You realize, do you not, that you are arguing about torture of prisoners as american policy? You are trying to make the case to criminal thugs with roots in the inquisition, Nazi germany and north korean brainwashing that somehow their methodology is to be eschewed. Can you not see how utterly hopeless, and helpless that approach might be? Can you not understand that by merely taking this position they remove themselves not only from the mainstream, but from democratic debate in general?

    Do you think you are contributing value to society? Because you are not. The more you engage them, the more you make this appear as some kind of legitimate debate about public policy and the more people decide “well, I don’t really LIKE terrorists, so…”.

    This is appalling on it’s face and disgusting on the merits. Not to even mention criminal. America has prosecuted torture as recently as the sixties. Our own soldiers. Isn’t it time to simply say “we won’t debate torture – we will prosecute it”?

    mikey

  142. Johnny Coelacanth said,

    May 31, 2009 at 3:18

    “Something like you take your first name from your childhood pet, and your last name from the street you grew up on.”

    I am Tuffy Sussex, hear me swish.

  143. Jennifer said,

    May 31, 2009 at 3:21

    Tuffy Sussex is a pretty good drag name.

    Frank Ridgeway is not. Though in my defense, Frank was a female cat, so there is that to add a bit of cache in the backstory.

  144. Brandi said,

    May 31, 2009 at 3:24

    I thought that was your porn star name, and in either case Putt-Putt Damien isn’t exactly a name with a lot of promise.

  145. OneMan said,

    May 31, 2009 at 3:43

    I’m not sure Buffy 1000th Ave. E is really a great drag queen name either. Guess I’ll just have to stay straight.

  146. jim said,

    May 31, 2009 at 3:47

    Time for B.S. detector tune-ups, people. Next time, libs, don’t be so eager to hype a veteran radio entertainer crying “torture.”

    To Whomever It May Amuse,

    Why, I do believe that’s the sound of a gauntlet being dropped. Oh my, yes indeed it is.

    The course is clear … someone needs to e-mail Malkin & tell her that Mancow’s announcement that it was a hoax was ITSELF a hoax. Then perhaps a “press-release” wherein Mancow announces his upcoming testicle-crushing so as to prove that THAT isn’t torture either. Or some civic-minded individual with Interwebs access might generously send her an e-mail requesting her to participate in the upcoming “Celebrity Anal Rape For The United Way” event.

    Why, the potential lulz here are downright cosmological in scale & girthiness.

    - Sincerely,
    JimCo: Providing Premium B.S. Detectors To The Tri-City Area Since 1984

  147. justme said,

    May 31, 2009 at 3:47

    Isn’t it time to simply say “we won’t debate torture – we will prosecute it”?

    Long since.

    Now, if you can convince the prosecutors of that, I’ll be both happy and impressed.

    The very first time I saw the black bags on people’s heads, I said to myself “What the fuck is this?”, “At what point did we begin doing this as general policy?” not to mention “Who the fuck makes these things?” I knew at that moment that the bags were the very least of what was going on. That was what we were shown on purpose. That was when I knew something was very wrong, and it came all the way from the top. Fish, rot, head, etc.

    The debate has been defined, and not by us. Fixing this is not an easy thing. Half our country is a knot of selfish hate the likes of which humans are supposed to outgrow before second grade. These people like the idea that other people are made to suffer in their name. No question about it. Proud, in fact, and the more misery, the better. I don’t suppose that it really matters who or why to these folks, just that some sonuvabitch is being made more miserable than they are. These are the folks pictured smiling, with their children, at lynchings.

    It’s a fucking uphill battle. By all rights it shouldn’t be, but it is.

  148. justme said,

    May 31, 2009 at 3:48

    I don’t think I have enough back hair to do Duke Winfrey justice.

  149. justme said,

    May 31, 2009 at 4:00

    “well, I don’t really LIKE terrorists, so…”.

    And therein lies a huge part of the problem. The “debate” is being framed around “the terrorists” regardless of what that may mean. Every time anything like that is spouted whoever says it needs to be slapped with a half-rotted salmon and have “IT’S NOT ABOUT THE FUCKING TERRORISTS YOU STUPID WAD OF FUCK! IT’S ABOUT US!” screamed in their face and then be removed from whatever TV studio they are polluting.

    A guy can dream, can’t he?

  150. Galt's Gulch Water Board said,

    May 31, 2009 at 4:04

    “The very first time I saw the black bags on people’s heads, I said to myself “What the fuck is this?”, “At what point did we begin doing this as general policy?””

    It was right around the time we got a new federal agency called “Homeland Security.” What the hell is the etymology of that term, and why did it surface when it did? Does it signal some kind of conceptual shift about the USA?

  151. M. Bouffant said,

    May 31, 2009 at 4:23

    Yet Damien Putt-Putt has a certain something to it.

  152. M. Bouffant said,

    May 31, 2009 at 4:28

    The Tri-City Area

    Pasco-Kennewick-Richland?

  153. kingubu said,

    May 31, 2009 at 4:31

    Pasco-Kennewick-Richland?

    Rialto-Fontana-Bloomington.

  154. kingubu said,

    May 31, 2009 at 4:38

    It was right around the time we got a new federal agency called “Homeland Security.”

    And right about the same time we started seeing domestic tactical police units showing up to busts with their faces masked. Remember when Brazil seemed over-the-top?

  155. Snowshoe 5th Avenue said,

    May 31, 2009 at 4:39

    How’s my name? Not very good, huh? How about current pet and street? “Killer Occidental”? “Pumpkin Occidental”? “Zoë Occidental”? Crap! Nothing works.

  156. rageahol said,

    May 31, 2009 at 4:51

    Galt’s Gulch Water Board:

    seen/heard what they do in maximum security prisons lately?

  157. N__B said,

    May 31, 2009 at 4:54

    Platy Beech.

    It’s a fish, it’s a tree, it’s a fish-tree drag queen.

  158. PeeJ said,

    May 31, 2009 at 4:56

    Rusty Chestnut. No, really, that would be it. It isn’t, may I point out emphatically. But if it was, that would be it.

  159. M. Bouffant said,

    May 31, 2009 at 4:58

    Rialto-Fontana-Bloomington

    I’ll take the Washington state triad.

  160. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    May 31, 2009 at 5:15

    M. Bouffant said,
    May 31, 2009 at 4:58

    Rialto-Fontana-Bloomington

    I’ll take the Washington state triad.

    Used to be a tetrad, but we all know what happened to Hanford…

  161. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    May 31, 2009 at 5:18

    From ~1993-95, I could have been “DeeDee Fauntleroy”. That kind of works! In fact, the more I say it the better I like it!

  162. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    May 31, 2009 at 5:20

    As a drag queen name, I mean. As a porn name, not so much.

  163. St. Trotsky, Pope-in-Avignon said,

    May 31, 2009 at 5:29

    If we do break up the United States into pieces I’ve got dibs on New Transylvania!

    What on earth would you want with a colony in Kentucky?

  164. St. Trotsky, Pope-in-Avignon said,

    May 31, 2009 at 5:32

    Also, my drag queen name is either:

    Blackie Brighton or Blackie Sunset.

    I’m not sure about either.

  165. anthony said,

    May 31, 2009 at 5:46

    BUTCH CRAMPHORNE!

  166. Sprinkle On The Zesty Goodness said,

    May 31, 2009 at 6:11

    I once stuck a detumescent balloon up my ass and inflated it with a bicycle pump. My mother wanted to know what I was doing because it sounded kind of odd through the bathroom door. I told her I was waterboarding. She was like, “oh, okay.” So I guess everybody has a different definition of torture. I prefer Jergen’s lotion.

  167. Johnny Coelacanth said,

    May 31, 2009 at 6:48

    “Blackie Sunset” has a lot of potential, but it sounds more stripper than drag queen. “DeeDee Fauntleroy”: That pretty much obligates you to become a drag queen, too good to waste.

  168. henry lewis said,

    May 31, 2009 at 7:08

    Napolean 20th.

  169. Jennifer said,

    May 31, 2009 at 7:32

    I see I’ve successfully derailed yet another S,N! thread onto another track. Or perhaps I’ve saved it from total paralysis as it enters its 28th hour.

    It’s not parrots, but it will do.

  170. OneMan said,

    May 31, 2009 at 7:51

    Hey, at least it isn’t brassica.

  171. Smut Clyde said,

    May 31, 2009 at 7:52

    The Doktorling will be able to call herself “Trotsky Manchester”, but she may not want to.

  172. Bickle Fitch said,

    May 31, 2009 at 7:52

    One of the funniest motherfuckers here got his current pseudonym in the original porn star name thread.

  173. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    May 31, 2009 at 8:04

    What is this, the San Quentin School Of Gender Theory?
    Quentin Crisp?

    Shouldn’t that be Quentin Crips?

    Oh, and my porn name is John Wesley Hardon.

  174. Desert Hussein Rat said,

    May 31, 2009 at 8:20

    Damn. These idiots think doublechecking the kerning is the solution to everything.

    Good thing too. It greatly enhances their chances of spending a long, long time in the wilderness.

  175. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,

    May 31, 2009 at 8:41

    Desert Hussein Rat said,
    May 31, 2009 at 8:20

    Damn. These idiots think doublechecking the kerning is the solution to everything.

    Good thing too. It greatly enhances their chances of spending a long, long time in the wilderness.

    I would dearly love to see their lies on that front that destroyed Dan Rather’s career exposed too. It’s a small matter after all the other crimes and lies of the last 8 years, but it would be sweet.

  176. Mentis Fugit said,

    May 31, 2009 at 9:54

    Quits Taylor sounds more like a Gabby Hayes role than a drag queen or porn star.

  177. M. Bouffant said,

    May 31, 2009 at 9:59

    I’m guessing Lone Ranger Kitty w/ a Mask Camino por los Arboles ain’t gonna work either.

    (You’d think a combo like that would be good for something, wouldn’t you?)

    Kitty Camino? Lone Arboles?

  178. Joey Ramone said,

    May 31, 2009 at 11:41

    Gabby Gabby Hayes

  179. Sirius Lunacy said,

    May 31, 2009 at 12:59

    OneMan said,

    May 31, 2009 at 3:43

    I’m not sure Buffy 1000th Ave. E is really a great drag queen name either. Guess I’ll just have to stay straight.

    Buffy 1000 has potential though. My drag queen name woud be Goldie Circle.

    M. Bouffant said,

    May 31, 2009 at 9:59

    I’m guessing Lone Ranger Kitty w/ a Mask Camino por los Arboles ain’t gonna work either.

    (You’d think a combo like that would be good for something, wouldn’t you?)

    Kitty Camino? Lone Arboles?

    Por Kitty?

  180. D. Aristophanes said,

    May 31, 2009 at 13:22

    um…is this like where we have only one thread for the whole weekend and it gets like six hundred comments and then on monday there are like five posts in a row and there are like only twenty five comments on each one?

    It is like that.

  181. D. Aristophanes said,

    May 31, 2009 at 13:23

    Except for the six hundred comments part. There will only be about 200.

  182. N__B said,

    May 31, 2009 at 13:32

    There will only be about 200.

    There can be only one….

    Sadly, NoLander.

  183. Willy said,

    May 31, 2009 at 13:56

    Does it signal some kind of conceptual shift about the USA?

    Yeah, one that is plummeting at an acceleration of 9.8 m/s2
    It’s not the fall but the sudden stop that kills ya.

  184. Smut Clyde said,

    May 31, 2009 at 14:07

    Except for the six hundred comments part. There will only be about 200.
    Oh noes, D. Aristophanes is about to bring down the banhammer on all o

  185. Smut Clyde said,

    May 31, 2009 at 14:13

    Buffy 1000 has potential though.
    Sex-droid names are a whole nother kettle of red herrings.

  186. Sirius Lunacy said,

    May 31, 2009 at 14:35

    Sex-droid names are a whole nother kettle of red herrings.

    I was thinking the Buffy 1000 drag queen persona would have to be a bit droid like and maybe mix in a little vampire slayer as well.

  187. Pere Ubu said,

    May 31, 2009 at 14:36

    Every time anything like that is spouted whoever says it needs to be slapped with a half-rotted salmon and have “IT’S NOT ABOUT THE FUCKING TERRORISTS YOU STUPID WAD OF FUCK! IT’S ABOUT US!” screamed in their face and then be removed from whatever TV studio they are polluting.

    Where am I going to find a half-rotted salmon at this time of night, though?

  188. Sammy said,

    May 31, 2009 at 14:45

    Got you all beat.

    Sparrow Dorset.

    Game, set, and fucking match, bitches. Hand me my boa and some extra wide stiletto heels.

  189. mingo said,

    May 31, 2009 at 15:30

    Mutt Anza.

    that does not work for anything, I fear. but I feel that I can add a name here, since I am confident that there will be NO NEW THREAD today*!! nope, not at all!!

    *guaranteed new-thread-creating statement!

  190. kiki said,

    May 31, 2009 at 15:40

    Perhaps it’s because I work in publishing, but I always thought Helvetica Bold was the best drag queen name evar.

  191. Sirius Lunacy said,

    May 31, 2009 at 15:57

    New threads

  192. Sirius Lunacy said,

    May 31, 2009 at 16:00

    Dammit! New threads.
    FYBTWP

  193. henry lewis said,

    May 31, 2009 at 16:37

    I will try to revive this thread by claiming our usurper affirmative-action president is not only a commie-fascist empathetic, elitist neophyte with a muslin agenda secretly working for La Raza who will enslave the heartland, but who, at the same time, is exactly like George Bush and deeply disappointing to progressives.

    ALSO; torture works.

    AS WELL — Teh First Couple went on a date!!

  194. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    May 31, 2009 at 16:38

    D. Aristophanes said,

    May 31, 2009 at 13:23

    Except for the six hundred comments part. There will only be about 200.

    Open thread!11!

  195. N__B said,

    May 31, 2009 at 16:41

    Open thread!11!

    Not for four more comments.

  196. Sirius Lunacy said,

    May 31, 2009 at 16:49

    AS WELL — Teh First Couple went on a date!!

    Only an elitist wimp would take an evening off to go see a Broadway show when there is so much work to be done. Everyone knows a real-man president would take 4-6 weeks off to clear brush some 1400 miles away.

  197. tigrismus said,

    May 31, 2009 at 16:54

    m13ky said,

    May 31, 2009 at 3:14

    This.

    Also, Rufus University == total Drag Queen name FAIL.

  198. N__B said,

    May 31, 2009 at 16:58

    Rufus University == total Drag Queen name FAIL.

    Good superhero secret identity name.

  199. Jennifer said,

    May 31, 2009 at 16:58

    200!

  200. tigrismus said,

    May 31, 2009 at 17:13

    So what are the rules for porn names as opposed to drag queen names?

  201. N__B said,

    May 31, 2009 at 17:29

    Porn is usually named after where it was first grown, or sometimes the multinational that genetically modified the plants for greater yield.

    Drag queens are named after the tracks they frequent, their favorite brand of oversized tires, or STP.

  202. henry lewis said,

    May 31, 2009 at 17:31

    So what are the rules for porn names as opposed to drag queen names?

    Bold, thrusty object followed by bold, thrusty action?

    ie: Lance Headlong?

  203. PeeJ said,

    May 31, 2009 at 17:47

    “Lance” was big in gay pr0n. I mean, he was a big star. I mean, well known. He was known only as Lance, no surname. One of my faves.

  204. Mo's Bike Shop said,

    May 31, 2009 at 17:52

    Bat-Girl Attacks Man-Cow.

    I hate to be all mommy-state, but do we really not have governing regulations about torturing people on the public airwaves?

    It’s not a drag queen name, but I’ve always felt sorry for Warren Peace, whom I do not know personally though I know he is out there

    Most unfortunate name I’ve ever encountered was “Wilton Brown Hyman.”

  205. Nosfer-Blart-Two said,

    May 31, 2009 at 17:59

    Drag Queen Name = Dinah Cherry (score! for me)

    New Transylvania will be governed by a constitutional democratic monarchal parliament. The people will elect a lower assembly of baronets and an upper assembly of contessas and earls. The chief of the upper assembly shall be elected by caucus and designated Overdoge (pronounced over-dog).

  206. PeeJ said,

    May 31, 2009 at 18:03

    Human Events is telling me to bookmark it. Among the “TOP TEN REASONS SOTORMAYOR WON’T BE CONFIRMED” one finds:

    In 1991, President George H.W. Bush was forced to pick Sotomayor, in a back-room deal manipulated by powerful New York Senator Patrick Moynihan, but Bush Sr. likely regrets this just like he later regretted nominating Justice Souter

    I can’t read that without LingOL. Heartily.

  207. Thrallsgall Threadkiller said,

    May 31, 2009 at 18:22

    By Odin’s Brow and the runes of the Elder Furthark, I declare this thread dead!

    Your opinion may vary.

  208. Gus Dufferin said,

    May 31, 2009 at 18:48

    I am jim’s Nom de Pr0n.

    Straight, Gay, Fetish, Scat, Vending-Machine Dry-Hump … whatever, just as long as the cheque doesn’t bounce.

  209. Jennifer said,

    May 31, 2009 at 20:14

    In 1991, President George H.W. Bush was forced to pick Sotomayor, in a back-room deal manipulated by powerful New York Senator Patrick Moynihan, but Bush Sr. likely regrets this just like he later regretted nominating Justice Souter

    One would have to surmise that among the regrets of George H.W. Bush, this one would be very minor. As opposed to, say, that one time he failed to wear a rubber while engaging in sexual relations with Grendel…er…I mean Barbara, way back in late 1945.

  210. justme said,

    June 1, 2009 at 2:13

    Perhaps it’s because I work in publishing, but I always thought Helvetica Bold was the best drag queen name evar.

    H3lv3t1ca, fuck yeah.

  211. Anonymous said,

    June 1, 2009 at 3:17

    When the time comes to be reincarnated as a typeface, dibs on Palatino Swash.

  212. Smut Clyde said,

    June 1, 2009 at 3:19

    When the time comes to be reincarnated as a typeface, dibs on Palatino Swash.

  213. tigrismus said,

    June 1, 2009 at 4:33

    Not Herr Doktor Bulmer? Nor even Trebuchet? SHOCKING!

  214. Parrotlover77 said,

    June 1, 2009 at 20:21

    Must Credit Parrotlover77. ARROOOOGAH! ARROOOGAH! http://www.sadlyno.com/archives/21545.html#comment-924781

  215. http://www.purewatertogo.org said,

    June 22, 2013 at 14:20

    Sadly, No! » Malkin: Stupid Lefties Fall For Obvious Hoax! Update: Report On ‘Hoax’ Was A Hoax vfhoerqpf

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