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Dick vs. the Asteroid
Over at America’s Shittiest Website™, Peter “The Mustache of Enhanced Interrogation” Kirsanow tells us all how super cool Dick Cheney’s torture defense was yesterday:
Cheney: Adult [Peter Kirsanow]
A serious, important speech.
Politicians and the media seem unduly impressed by favorability polls, often drawing unwarranted conclusions from them. Since Cheney has relatively high unfavorables, it’s assumed that the public dismisses his statements.
It would be interesting to see the results of a more finely calibrated poll, one that compares how well-respected, competent, and effective the subject is perceived to be relative to similarly situated individuals. As a friend succinctly puts it, “When that big asteroid finally heads toward Earth, who’s the person you’d most want to be in charge?” I suspect Cheney would score at or near the top.
Interesting story!
Here at Sadly, No! Research Laboratories, we recently detonated a hydrogen bomb near a massive pocket of electromagnetic energy, thus creating a parallel timeline where Dick Cheney actually did win the 2008 presidential election and where he did deal with an asteroid assault during the first year of his presidency! Read on, if you dare, to see how this counterfactual history played itself out…
On October 15, 2009, a small asteroid crashed into a rural area of Wyoming, killing 2,000 people in a small town and leaving a massive crater 60 miles wide in the ground. President Richard Cheney, who was just awakening from a nap in his underground White House lair, was informed of the crash by Chief of Staff Alberto Gonzales, who the day before had handed him a memo from NASA with the headline “Asteroid hurtling toward the United States.”
“That damned space rock has just assaulted my home state!” Cheney snarled. “Nobody could have predicted this would happen!”
Cheney called a press conference later in the day and urged Americans to show strength and resolve in the face of this unprecedented assault on the Heartland.
“Asteroids are evil rocks,” said the president. “We do not negotiate with evil rocks; we defeat them.”
The story of President Cheney’s rise to power is a strange one. Despite having an approval rating of -345% as vice president at the start of 2008, Cheney threw his hat into the ring during the Republican primary after every Republican simultaneously dropped out of the race.
“I thought I had a good shot at becoming president until I remembered that I shared the same party as George W. Bush,” explaned ex-candidate Mitt Romney. “We could run an Abe Lincoln-Ronald Regan ticket this year and still lose.”
On the Democratic side, John Edwards beat out Hillary Clinton in a spirited primary in which Edwards used populist rhetoric to capitalize on the furor created by the Federal Reserve’s massive bank bailout program that launched in the wake of the Bear Sterns collapse in March. Promising Illinois Senator Barack Obama had initially considered running for president in late 2007, but in the end decided not to run because his prospects for success were too small.
“I’m a half-black dude with the middle name ‘Hussein,’” Obama explained. “I can already imagine all the emails that are gonna go around about my birth certificate and my secret Muslim faith. Win this election? No I can’t!”
Heading into the summer conventions, Edwards chose Delaware Senator Joe Biden to be his running mate, while Cheney covered his center flank by nominating pro-choice Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Spector, whom Cheney convinced to join the ticket after promising to let him use the CIA and the FBI to investigate the New England Patriots’ illicit videotaping program.
“My Iggles… won that game… fair’nsquare…” bellowed an enraged Spector during his RNC convention speech. “Bill Belicheat… will soon feel the wrath… of the fed’ral gubmint!”
While initial post-convention polls showed Edwards taking a comfortable 485-point lead over Cheney, the race was thrown into turmoil after Weekly World News photographer Mickey Kaus snapped pictures of Edwards engaging in illicit sexual activities with a Sasquatch and the Bat Boy. The Democratic ticket was further hurt during the vice-presidential debates, when the gaffe-prone Joe Biden said that Cheney “deserved a great deal of praise for the compassion and love he’s shown toward his bulldyke daughter.”
On November 4, 2008, 346 Americans went to the polls and voted for Dick Cheney, giving him a decisive 50-vote victory over John Edwards.
One year later, Americans were mourning the deaths of their fellow countrymen in the Wyoming asteroid crash. An enraged Cheney was determined to never let another asteroid crash into the United States again and had decided to use any means necessary in order to achieve that end. Cheney reasoned that it was not enough to merely respond to asteroids after they crashed. For America to be truly secure, the government needed to attack asteroids long before they reached orbit. To this end, he decided that the United States needed to set an example to other asteroids in the galaxy by launching a preemptive strike on the large asteroid that was menacingly hovering over the Earth: namely, the moon.
In order to build his case for war against the moon, Cheney worked to strong-arm NASA into proclaiming that the moon could come unhinged from its orbit to the Earth at any moment and that the military needed to destroy the sinister heavenly body in order to safeguard the homeland. When NASA officials balked at his request, Cheney hired George C. Deutsch, a disgraced former NASA press aide, to go through the agency and make lists of all scientists who displayed signs of disloyalty. Once the list had been completed, the scientists were then rendered to Cheney’s underground White House lair for interrogation. The following transcript was taken from a video of an interrogation session under the White House on March 16, 2010:
[An unknown NASA scientist is tied down to a waterboard in President Cheney's underground lair. Cheney and NASA Grand Inquisitor George C. Deutsch enter the chamber to start the interrogation.]
DEUTSCH: My liege! I have brought forth the Unbeliever to receive your judgment!
CHENEY: Fine work, my young apprentice. And what are his crimes?
DEUTSCH: My liege! He refused to sign a loyalty oath proclaiming that our solar system has been scientifically proven to have been created by an Intelligent Designer!
CHENEY: Bah! The heretic will rue the day he defied my will! Tell me, heretic, do you not regret your lack of faith?
[Cheney pours water over the scientist's head, causing him to gasp and writhe in pain.]
SCIENTIST: GLAAAAAAAAARBB!!! ACK! Please, yes! I repent! Just stop it with the water!
CHENEY: You are wise to confess, heretic! You may achieve penance for your actions by doing one simple task: signing your name to this official policy document that proclaims the moon to be a mortal danger to the security of the United States that must be eliminated!
SCIENTIST: Buh, buh, but sir? You’re talking about destroying the moon? Thu, thu, that would be extremely unwise because…
[Cheney pours more water on the scientist.]
SCIENTIST: GLARRRRRRB!!! OK, OK, I’ll sign it! I’ll sign it, I’ll sign it!
CHENEY: That’s good. Now here’s the pen. Let’s…
[A knock at the door interrupts Cheney. Deutsch opens the door and a hunched-over Alberto Gonzales shuffles in carry a basket of dead rabbits.]
GONZALES: Master, I have brought you your daily basket of fresh uncooked bunny rabbits to devour!
CHENEY: That is excellent, Alberto! Bring them to me!
[Cheney examines the basket and his grin quickly turns into a snarl.]
CHENEY: Alberto, these rabbits are already dead! How can I enjoy my meal if I do not first participate in the slaughter?
GONZALES: But muh-muh-Master! Your doctor told me that you shouldn’t slaughter live bunnies just days after you suffered your twenty-seventh heart attack!
CHENEY: BAH! INSOLENCE!!!
[Cheney pulls out his rifle and shoots Gonzales in the face with birdshot. Gonzales, yelling in pain, flees to seek medical attention.]
CHENEY: Deutsch! You are now my chief of staff! Go forth and fetch me my rabbits! And make sure they survive until they get here!
DEUTSCH: Yes, my liege
[Deutsch exits. Cheney returns to get the scientist's signature.]
CHENEY: I can’t wait to eat those bunnies!
[End transcript.]
After obtaining all the necessary intelligence from NASA officials, Cheney went on the Sunday morning talk shows and began to build his case for war. In addition to the signed statements of top NASA officials attesting to the moon’s nefarious intentions, Cheney produced an alleged picture of terrorist mastermind Mohammed Atta walking on the moon just days before the asteroid struck Wyoming. Cheney called this the smoking gun that proved that the moon posed a threat too grave to ignore.
Although McClatchy later reported that the supposed picture of Atta that Cheney showed on Meet the Press was actually a photograph of Neil Armstrong, the media in general did not question the premises of the president’s claims. The British tabloids in particular ran wild with the claim that the moon could crash into Earth a mere 45 minutes after being knocked out of its orbit. On May 21, 2010, Cheney went on national television and said that he was giving the moon 48 hours to surrender before he would launch a nuclear strike to destroy it. Senate Democrats, alarmed that the president would declare war on the moon without their consultation, tried to draft a nonbinding resolution telling the president that they might be displeased if he were to launch his preemptive lunar assault. The measure was scuttled, however, when Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said that they wouldn’t have the 95 votes necessary to overcome a filibuster.
Two days after his ultimatum to the moon was met with eerie silence, Cheney ordered to sinister rock destroyed.
The year is now 2012. It’s been two years since Dick Cheney blew up the moon, which caused thousands of smaller space rocks to crash all over the earth, killing hundreds of thousands of people; amazingly, none of these space rocks crashed into the United States. Additionally, the moon’s absence has caused the Earth to wobble more on its axis, thus producing more extreme periods of hot and cold than we have ever known. President Cheney, after suffering his seventy-eighth heart attack, has announced that he will not seek a second term as president. In his farewell address to the nation, Cheney says that the decision to destroy the moon was the correct one because America had not been struck by an asteroid in the two years since.
“In the fight against asteroids, there is no middle ground,” Cheney tells his fellow Americans. “Destroying only half the moon would have left us half exposed.”
actor212 said,
May 22, 2009 at 18:31
Very nicely done, Brad
*polite golf applause*
Martini? You must be exhausted.
D.N. Nation said,
May 22, 2009 at 18:32
Deep Impact solved this problem for us, thankfully, by having pasty white neoconservative Morgan Freeman be the president.
Because you’re a damned idiot. I love these little fantasy future games wingnuts play with themselves…gosh, I bet Bush is beloved in 50 years, just because! At least pretend to sort of make this stuff falsifiable, mmkay?
actor212 said,
May 22, 2009 at 18:36
I suspect Cheney would score at or near the top.
…of the list of people to die of a heart attack in abject terror.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
May 22, 2009 at 18:38
As a friend succinctly puts it, “When that big asteroid finally heads toward Earth, who’s the person you’d most want to be in charge?”
Well, if they asked who I’d put in the space shuttle to lead a charge right at it, I suppose I’d pick Cheney.
actor212 said,
May 22, 2009 at 18:39
By the way, someone ought to write into Kirsanow and tell him he’s not helping modernize the conservative image with his Snidely Whiplash.
Pere Ubu said,
May 22, 2009 at 18:39
As a friend succinctly puts it, “When that big asteroid finally heads toward Earth, who’s the person you’d most want to be in charge?”
Why, the preserved brain of Thomas Alva Edison, who will design the ether ship powered by the splitting of the atom to fly to the asteroid and destroy it.
PeeJ said,
May 22, 2009 at 18:39
Wow! I had the exact same dream last night! Woke up with a sweat, thinking it was real. Now I know it….wait a minute…..
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!
OneMan said,
May 22, 2009 at 18:40
<Ted voice>Awww, you stole my idea of Cheney torturing people to get a result!</Ted>
Although I’d guess they’d be brown people somehow.
Cpl. Cam said,
May 22, 2009 at 18:42
Hells yeah! Who would want a sitting President during an asteroid crisis who “listens to scientists” or “funds NASA?” I mean talk about sucking all the fun out of catastrophic doom.
LittlePig said,
May 22, 2009 at 18:45
Kirsanow: Mewling Pussy
George Pal said,
May 22, 2009 at 18:46
That’s good though. Write another write another write another! Ooh ooh I got an idea. There’s this planet, call it Bellus, and it’s hurtling towards earth. But Cheney knows there’s this other planet, call it Zyra and he thinks it is the source of the gay rays that ruined his daughter so he wants to kill it, see?
I’ll work on it some more. Oooo, this is gonna be great!
jim said,
May 22, 2009 at 18:47
Sadly, this post still comes across as more plausible than the contents of Cheney’s speech yesterday. The same could be said of surrealist beatnik collage-poetry.
Ambien’s one hell of a drug, apparently.
Ted the Slacker said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:03
As a friend succinctly puts it, “When that big asteroid finally heads toward Earth, who’s the person you’d most want to be in charge?” I suspect Cheney would score at or near the top.
I tell you what will be at the top – What are you fuckheads at Rasmussen smoking?
PeeJ said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:06
This makes much more sense when you read the final paragraph of Snidely’s post. To wit,
Sadly, we will never know. But that won’t stop us from making stupid assertion after lie after strawman. Here in whingnuttia, nothing is real except our love for bags-o-dicks!
flavortext said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:08
Way better than my small venture into the President-Cheney-meets-asteroid alternate reality. My hat’s off to you!
PeeJ said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:09
He certainly got his whingnut meme of the day memo. Probably from Billy Kristolnacht himself.
A sampling from “cheney speech adult” googlation
“Obama Answered by an Adult…”
“Cheney: Adult. A serious, important speech.”
“real Dick Cheney gives adult lectures ”
“After Obama’s Speech…Now Watch An Adult Speak On National Security …”
“Mr Cheney reminds me of what an adult who is serious and truly patriotic looks …”
“Cheney’s is the speech of a grownup, of a chief executive, of a statesman. ” – that one’s Kristolnacht hizzown self
I wonder where they ever came up with that one…..
Jim/The Velvet Blog said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:10
That mustache isn’t a Photoshop job? Your’e shitting me, right?
Steerpike said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:11
“When that big asteroid finally heads toward Earth, who’s the person you’d most want to be in
chargethe smouldering crater?” I suspect Cheney would score at or near the top.FTFY
Larry Niven & Jerry Pournelle said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:12
Oh, hey, we’ve got one! Howzabout there’s this massive alien armada coming into the Solar System of elephant-aliens (stop laughing!) who attack Earth with asteroids ’cause they’re going to take it over (stop, I said!) and the only ones who can save us are the science-fiction fans (stop already!) who thought of all this originally and who’ll design the spaceship that can fight the aliens! Whoooo! (Okay, you’re not stopping. We’re outta here.)
Larry Niven & Jerry Pournelle said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:16
We’re not even going to tell you the plot about how global warming and pollution were the only thing staving off a massive global ice-age and science fiction fans have to save civilization. Bleah!
MajorKong said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:16
I can see it now:
President Cheney vows revenge after giant asteroid attack. Announces plans to attack Iran.
John D. said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:16
The whole “Cheney Vs. The Asteriod” thing (great movie title, ennit?) is all the more zanily hilarious when you consider the old bastard’s actions during the real life equivalent of that rather pathetic little fantasy scenario.
i.e. 9/11.
The only thing that was impressive about Bush and Cheney’s conduct on that day were the twin trails of urine they left behind them as they skeedaddled as fast as they could, screaming and shitting their pants as they fled. And no doubt shoving small children and old women out of their way, a la George Constanza in that one Seinfeld episode.
Why the wingnuts continue to extoll someone like Cheney as the Manliest Man Who Ever Manned given his demonstrable record of Real Life behavior is beyond me.
Nikki said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:17
This cries out for the creative hand of the talented The Editors.
James Blish said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:23
Well, yeah, well suppose some idiot decided to talk a Satanist into releasing all the demons from Hell and couldn’t get them back ’cause he caused Armageddon and Las Vegas was the mouth to Hell and even the nuclear missles couldn’t defeat them?
Who would you want as President then, eh?
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:28
Dan Froomkin, people!
I urge everyone to stop whatever you are doing, and read Froomkin.
Five years later, they’re still at it, with former vice president Dick Cheney waging a clever campaign that would have the debate over government-sanctioned torture turn on what techniques were employed at the CIA’s secret prison — and whether they “worked.” But the national debate should be a much broader one, as there is an ever-growing body of evidence definitively linking decisions made by Bush and Cheney not just to the torture at the CIA’s black sites, but to the pervasive, inhumane treatment of detainees – many of whom were utterly innocent — at prison facilities such as Abu Ghraib, Bagram, and Guantanamo as well.
Funny, Dan Froomkin also writes for the Washington Post.
Fred Hiatt and company seem to have never heard of him.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:29
I’d rather see Cheney vs Giant Shark.
Mo's Bike Shop said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:30
I still remember when I could read “Nuke the Moon” as a light-hearted , O’Rourke-kind-of-satire.
59 Les Paul Copy said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:33
Cheney vs. Robot Godzilla…Wait, he IS Robot Godzilla.
Nylund said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:33
If an asteroid was going to hit Earth the Christianists would probably actively campaign against stopping it, for the coming rock would surely be “God’s Will” and a sign that the Rapture is nigh. Half the GOP has been waiting their whole life for something as apocalyptic as an asteroid disaster. There is no way in hell they’d let the gov’t stop that. The “Left Behind” crowd would be out dancing in the street breathlessly waiting for Jesus, aka the asteroid.
The Libertarians would also throw a fit if the gov’t did anything to try to stop it. Surely, if it was that much of a problem, the market would solve it on its own.
David Gerrold said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:34
OK, OK, OK, so there’s this guy named Cyrano Jones, right? And he sells stuff, you know, an intragalactic junk dealer, and he has these tiny little furry creatures, and he gives one to Dick Cheney and it starts to eat his quadrotriticale, and it looks like the entire planet will starve to death, but the wheat was poisoned by the, ummmmmmmmmmm, errrrrrrrrrr, BY AL QAEDA!
Mustafa Kemal said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:34
Yes, I realize it’s a timeless style, but really Peter, you’re no Young Turk.
actor212 said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:35
I’d rather see Cheney vs Giant Shark.
A mindless bloodthirsty indiscriminate killer.
I pity the shark.
Mo's Bike Shop said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:38
If “Angry Dad” is your idea of an adult, then yeah…
actor212 said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:38
Conservatives can only speculate about the state of affairs had we seen more of this type of detailed, sober defense during President Bush’s tenure.
Yea. It’s too bad Dick Cheney was such an outsider during the Bush years.
Malaclypse said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:39
As a friend succinctly puts it, “When that big asteroid finally heads toward Earth, who’s the person you’d most want to be in charge?” I suspect Cheney would score at or near the top.
Anyone remotely connected with the administration that oversaw Katrina, in charge of responding to a natural disaster? Who would possibly think this was a good idea? Seriously, my three-year-old has a better chance of not fucking up than Cheney.
I’m stunned that they want to choose natural disasters as their core claimed competency. Words fail me.
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:40
Amen, John D. I thought on 9/11: “Surely this pants-pissing flight in the face of the most nebulous danger will discredit these poltroons permanently?” Al Gore would have gone straight back to Washington. Bill Clinton would have gone straight back to Washington. Hell, I give the devil his due: Nixon would have gone straight back to Washington. The only presidents I can imagine fleeing in panic to progressively deeper holes in the ground are Reagan and this worthless punk. Then they started breathlessly reporting about how Cheney was holed up in his “undisclosed location” and I immediately assumed he had planned the attacks to openly take control of the administration he had previously controlled only covertly. I’m still not convinced that that was not the case.
cur said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:41
Please step into the Wayback Machine Sherman.
From Sourcewatch.org
Cheney Came Back “Early”
When Cheney was asked by reporter Roger Simon “why he did not return from his vacation earlier than [Thursday, September 1, 2005,] three days after the hurricane hit, the vice president replied: ‘I came back four days early.’
tigrismus said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:44
Cheney nothing, I want the mustache put in charge of Asteroidageddon. That thing looks like it can get shit done, plus it’s obviously the smartest thing in that picture.
cur said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:45
Damned you Malaclypse, Sherman set the wayback Machine to 19:38 so we don’t look so stupid.
Galactic Dustbin said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:45
If Cheney was in charge after an astroid strike, within a year Devil Worship would be the official religion of the US, mexicans would be used for food and we would be at war with a new New British Empire based in India.
….
What? Too obscure?
Jersey Tomato said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:48
Hmmm, the last time the GOP trotted out the “don’t worry, the adults are finally in charge” was when they were trying to reassure voters that the seasoned advisors in Junior’s administration would prevent him from accidentally starting WWWIII. Yep, they sure kept us out of harm’s way.
actor212 said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:51
When Cheney was asked by “reporter“ Roger Simon
Fixed this for you…
Galactic Dustbin said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:56
From the GOP Dictionary: “Grown Ups” : Shorthand for incompetent violent overreaction and fear. See “War on Brown People”
The Goddamn Batman Will Never Mock Ra's al-Ghul's Facial Hair Again, At Least Not When He's Macking On Ra's' Smokin' Hot Daughter said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:57
I think that Cheney will be in charge of the starship that’s sent to carry a third of Earth’s population when it’s threatened by a giant mutant star-goat, and this fellow Kirsanow can be his cabin steward. (At first he’ll think that he’s going to be Cheney’s speechwriter or something, but about the thirty-fourth day in a row that he gets a faceful of discarded, pus-encrusted bandages after he says, “Sir, I had a great idea for some talking points this morn–”, he’ll start to catch on and realize why Dick never invites him to the Old Boys brandy-and-cigars hour.)
Rightwingsnarkle said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:04
Well, that was just too long for me to read – I’ve had too much time listening to iPods and watching all that quick MTV cut-cut-cut.
But, seriously – is that mustache real?
Southern Beale said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:08
“It would be interesting to see the results of a more finely calibrated poll, one that compares how well-respected, competent, and effective the subject is perceived to be relative to similarly situated individuals.”
That made my eyes cross. I couldn’t get further along than that. Except I’m just curious how Cheney would protect us from an asteroid hurtling towards earth, when he did jack shit whem he saw a memo titled BIN LADEN DETERMINED TO STRIKE INSIDE U.S.
I mean, come on, people.
Snorghagen said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:08
It’s obvious. Dick Cheney is definitely the right guy for handling attacks by giant hemorrhoids.
Malaclypse said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:08
#
cur said,
May 22, 2009 at 19:45
Damned you Malaclypse, Sherman set the wayback Machine to 19:38 so we don’t look so stupid.
No statement you could possibly make will ever be as stupid as the idea of putting Cheney in charge of natural disasters. If I told someone to get the toast out of the toaster with a metal knife, while standing in a bathtub full of water, even that would be less stupid than the idea of Cheney in charge of anything.
Pope Nixon said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:11
Christ, this story is ridiculous. Everyone knows that Cheney’s daily meal consists of toddlers, not rabbits. If you want us to believe this stuff, little details like that are important.
cur said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:13
Malaclypse, thanks for the toaster tip. I will use it.
Pere Ubu said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:14
What about when the Invid attack? Wouldn’t you want Cheney in charge of protoculture?
The Cat said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:14
Blow it up? I thought Cheney was trying to carve his name into the moon.
MajorKong said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:16
Seriously, my three-year-old has a better chance of not fucking up than Cheney.
My cat has a better chance of not fucking up than Cheney and I have a couple of houseplants that might be willing to give it a go.
Till said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:16
I thought Cheney was trying to carve his name into the moon.
Pope Nixon said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:17
What the hell? I posted a heee-larious comment about the fact that this story can’t possibly true, since everybody knows Cheney’s daily meal consists of toddler, not rabbits. But it disappeared into the ether of the interweb tubes!
Perhaps it was extraordinarily renditioned.
Popo Ratzo said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:19
Malaclypse said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:23
My cat has a better chance of not fucking up than Cheney and I have a couple of houseplants that might be willing to give it a go.
Your cats are the Paws of God. Cats never fuck up.
g said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:26
I’ve never seen Yul Brynner with a mustache before.
Kirth Gersen said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:26
I thought Cheney was trying to carve his name into the moon.
He was actually trying to carve his face into the Moon, so there’d be an ugly Dar- *ahem* ugly neocon face hanging over your garden wall.
g said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:32
Senate Democrats, alarmed that the president would declare war on the moon without their consultation, tried to draft a nonbinding resolution telling the president that they might be displeased if he were to launch his preemptive lunar assault.
They wrote a sternly worded letter.
Mysticdog said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:36
Oh, please. If an asteroid was hurtling towards earth and Dick Cheney was in charge, the obvious solution would be to invade Iran.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:36
They wrote a sternly worded letter.
But Ben Nelson refused to sign it.
g said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:37
If “Angry Dad” is your idea of an adult, then yeah…
No, no, I must protest. Cheney isn’t “Angry Dad.” “Angry Dad” was Bush, at his press conferences, when he’d hector the press with his voice rising, like he was saying “If I have to stop this car and turn around…..” or “Goddammit, I said I expect you to clean your room!”
Cheney is far more scarey than “Angry Dad.” He’s Evil Dad. He’s like the Dad in “The Shining” looking for his kid with the axe in hand. Or the Dad in “Chinatown.”
(not being funny now) He’s like the dads who kills his kids and wife to “save” them, or – worse – the dad who kills the kids just to show the ex-wife who’s boss.
Aldorossi said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:40
Um, I know this is an important topic and Cheney is still a lying pr**k and all, but I can’t seem to get past that guy’s mustache.
Seriously, what is up with that?
PeeJ said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:44
Here’s another view that might help.
Pere Ubu said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:44
Seriously, what is up with that?
It’s how his species senses its environment, Timmy!
MzNicky said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:45
That stache is fake. Clearly Mr. Kirsanow is traveling incognito and is using his CIA Disguise Kit®. Or maybe he’s trying out for a role in “Pirates of Penzance.”
Sirius Lunacy said,
May 22, 2009 at 20:58
Now that Kisanow has brought it up I would not be at all surprised if Cheney is already trying to figure out a way to get us taxpayers to pay for his new deeper, stronger, asteroid proof bunker. Thanks a lot Peter! The only consolation being that Kisanow does look a lot like the people Cheney likes to torture. And now that he has let slip that he may have information on this terrorist asteroid, well it’s only a matter of time before he learns the meaning of enhanced interogation.
Wyatt Watts III said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:00
In his spare time, Mr. Kirsanow is a tiny Belgian detective who solves baffling mysteries.
John D. said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:04
This also puts me in mind of the Simpsons Halloween episode where Homer is trapped in another dimension, and Chief Wiggum fires indiscriminately at the dimensional portal, yelling, “Take that, ya lousy dimension!” Surely, Cheney would retaliate against the asteriod by firing all of America’s nuclear missles at the sky, snarling, “Take that, outer space!!”
Though, probably, y’all are right and he’d just give an order to invade Iran, or some other oil-producing country.
Pere Ubu said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:11
I would not be at all surprised if Cheney is already trying to figure out a way to get us taxpayers to pay for his new deeper, stronger, asteroid proof bunker. Thanks a lot Peter!
He’ll just fold it into the funding for his project to extract the source of eternal life from the pineal glands of adorable (they HAVE to be “adorable”, for some reason) kittens and wide-eyed crying orphans under the age of 7.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:13
It’s a man!
It’s a cow!
It’s a Mancow!
~
Pere Ubu said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:17
Though, probably, y’all are right and he’d just give an order to invade Iran, or some other oil-producing country.
Titan is a moon of Saturn.
Titan is the only moon with an atmosphere, and is awash in hydrocarbon seas.
Petroleum is a hydrocarbon.
I think you can see where this is going…
Sirius Lunacy said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:21
You can get eternal life from non-adorables, but getting it from the adorables is so much better. Kind of like having it deep fried.
PeeJ said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:21
…but I can’t seem to get past that guy’s mustache.
Aha! The moustachio is his waying of trying to stop having people’s cocks in his mouth! I wonder how well it’s working.
Pere Ubu said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:26
What none of you realize is that “Peter Kirsanow” IS the mustache and the humanoid in the background is merely a host organism which it relies on for life support.
Laugh now, but when the brush-shaped ships start to land….
J— said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:27
…but I can’t seem to get past that guy’s mustache.
It’s irresistible.
Righteous Bubba said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:32
Dear God:
Please please please reveal you exist by getting Peter Kirsanow a job at the RNC – preferably overseeing campaign strategy with a whole lot of money at his disposal.
Righteous Bubba said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:33
I have wasted so much time on Mark Noonan’s eyebrows.
tigrismus said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:39
RB, your artistry was the VERY FIRST thing I thought of on seeing the picture. Obviously I’ve been corrupted.
J— said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:41
With each passing day more and more conservative men are replacing their facial hair with furry black caterpillars. Call it a movement within the movement.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:49
It’s gonna pay off bigtime, RB.
tigrismus said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:51
No, actually I tell a lie: the very first thing I thought was “holy fuck, that wax-dipped lip weasel has GOT to be fake.” Only upon viewing Google images did I think “I hope RB animates the hell out of that bad boy.”
Jose Chung said,
May 22, 2009 at 21:51
“When that big asteroid finally heads toward Earth, who’s the person you’d most want to be in charge?”
I would pick Arianna Huffington. As soon as she opened her yap the asteroid would shatter.
Or Glenn Greenwald. He could just bend over.
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:01
FTFY.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:05
Ahh gee, look who just wondered over from Digby’s.
Bedwetting, pro-torture coward, J. Chung.
Righteous Bubba said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:09
I guess it’s inevitable, but I don’t know what tops the picture itself. Maybe if it sort of breathes, like Charlton Heston after some manly behaviour.
g said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:09
Don’t you mean Jse Chng? Cause if anyone needs disemvowelling, its him.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:12
That’s Chng I can believe in.
tigrismus said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:12
It could flex, like biceps.
Js Chng said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:13
When that big asteroid finally heads toward Earth, who’s the person you’d most want to be in charge?
Superman. Definitely Superman. He’s so dreamy! He’s got, like, harder than rock abs and lemme tell ya, he’s packin!
Jose Chung said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:18
Or Barney Frank. He would be a double threat who would gladly protect us on both flanks, by either unattaching his jaw or spreading his cheeks.
MzNicky said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:18
RB: Could you add a hand (probably would also need an attached arm) that twirls the end of his moustache and then also make his eyebrows simultaneously take turns arching up and down?
Pere Ubu said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:20
Bedwetting, pro-torture coward
In other words, conservative.
Let’s house the Guantanamo detainees in his basement.
Smut Clyde said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:22
If “Angry Dad” is your
idea ofrepressed memory turned into a yearning for an adult, then yeah…Fecked.
Buggerybollocks, PereUbu has already taken the Jack Vance AND the Day-after-Judgment references.
Dain Brammaged said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:24
If you put Dick Cheney in charge, he would immediately give a no bid contract to KBR to build a building to house the best scientists in the world to find a solution to this asteroid problem. Unfortunately, all would come to naught when the scientists tried to take a shower the next morning and where electrocuted.
Dain Brammaged said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:25
Oops, were electrocuted.
Jose Chung said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:25
Or Marion Barry who could smoke up the asteroid in his crack pipe with the “bitch” that set him up.
Righteous Bubba said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:26
Y’know, one of my favourite bits from Warner Brothers cartoons was a cat pulling his tail and making his head disappear into a pit between his shoulders…
Jose Chung said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:29
Or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Cynthia McKinney who would just blame it on the Jews.
Mo's Bike Shop said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:30
You’ve never seen Biggles without his aviator’s cap and goggles?
rip said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:30
As a friend succinctly puts it, “When that big chili dinner finally sends you running for the outhouse, who’s the person you’d most want to be standing in the pit?” I suspect Cheney would score at or near the top.
Fixed.
John O said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:30
Lovely tale, Brad. Really got a hard laugh out of it.
Smut Clyde said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:30
I imagine the left and right wings moving up and down separately, like the wings on Asterix’s helmet, spelling out messages in semaphore — like HELP ME THEY ARE MAKING ME SAY THESE WORDS.
Jose Chung said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:33
Or Al Gore who would blame it on our carbon footprint.
MzNicky said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:34
And besides, if an asteroid were headed toward earth, what would Dr. Evil Cheney be able to do about it that no one else would?! Halt it with his bare hands? Blow locomotive breath on it and make it go away? Pee on it and make it dissolve? What?! This somehow reminds me of fake scary movie titles my brother and his friends used to make up when we were kids: “Godzilla vs. Frankenstein!” “Oh yeah? What about ‘The Wolfman meets Superman’!” “Hey, I know! ‘King Kong vs. Space Aliens’!”
Jose Chung said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:35
Or to the Democratic leadership who would link the asteroids arrival with the need to raise taxes.
Wang Chung said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:38
What kind of loser names himself after some obscure character from some old teevee show, and posts the same thing over and over again only with a slight variation, thus showing his pathetic, meaningless existence for what it is?
Oh, right. A right-wing whackjob on the Internet.
Sorry to waste everyone’s time.
Wang Chung said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:40
Or Ron Paul would blame in on the UN.
Or Michelle Bachmann would blame it on the Amero.
Or Larry Craig would blame it on the airport bathroom boogeyman.
Or Rush Limbaugh would blame it on underage Dominican boys.
etc. ad nauseam.
New joke plz.
Jose Chung said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:40
Or to the anti-war left (and the Sierra Club) which would refuse to allow the military to shoot down the asteroid because we couldn’t be sure it didn’t have innocent life living on it.
Pere Ubu said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:45
Fecked.
Buggerybollocks, PereUbu has already taken the Jack Vance AND the Day-after-Judgment references.
HAH! heh-indeedy.
We kan haz new troll plz? This one is defective and just repeats itself. It isn’t funny, either, but you got to expect that from the nature of the beast.
Jose Chung said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:47
I am a very boring unfunny person. Can someone tell me where I can purchase a sense of humor?
Jose Chung said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:47
Or the Democratic governors who would site law of NIMBY.
Jose Chung said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:49
Or the Republican governors would who suck law of NAMBLA.
Jose Chung said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:54
Or to the liberal intelligentsia who would argue for the inherent intergalactic rights of the asteroid.
Js Chng said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:55
Please?
tigrismus said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:56
Maybe if we were to launch trolls at the asteroid, the biggest giant mutant Star-Goat Gruff would head-butt the now troll-infested rock into the Milky Way.
Mickey Kaus said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:57
I am interested in your ideas and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Till said,
May 22, 2009 at 22:59
Still looking for another writing gig after The Half Hour News Hour got canceled, eh?
Uncle Ned said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:00
I often wondered what happened to Rollie Fingers once he retired from baseball.
But I always thought he was a white fella. Guess I was mistaken.
José Cuervo said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:01
It’s 5:00 somewhere — actually, it’s a little past 5:00 HERE! Happy Hour Half-Price Margaritas here I come!
LittlePig said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:02
It’s a man!
It’s a cow!
It’s a Mancow!
Tee hee! Big tough guy lasted six…whole…seconds! Whatta man!
cur said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:06
“but I can’t seem to get past that guy’s mustache.
Seriously, what is up with that?”
He serves fun at Shakey’s
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8Okb-VrLe4
M. Bouffant said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:07
Galactic Dustbin: Yeah. Just read that last summer. Pretty good.
Also, I enjoyed Footfall, asshole authors or not, though I read it about 30 yrs. ago. (The authors haven’t wised up, but I may have.)
And now: More proof that Cheney is an alien (or something non-human) from Mittens R. (&me).
Pere Ubu said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:13
He serves fun at Shakey’s
I don’t care if he was carrying a pizza, I’d run from him. And I would knock small children down for pizza.
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:14
The asteroid is actually a giant teabag, which is going to destroy the Earth in order to protest its taxes being lowered. All we need to do is to convince it it’s a planet and so its taxes will be raised, and catastrophe will be avoided.
M. Bouffant said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:16
And Brad, you wimpy, gun-skeered lib, you can’t get birdSHOT out of a rifle.
M. Bouffant said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:17
Just imagine this: “>” where it belongs up there.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:20
Libertarian paradise, beaches!
~
Michael G said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:21
I have one: Dick is informed that there is a world-destroying asteroid on a collision course with the earth. He immediately springs into action, ordering the CIA to abduct brown people in southern Europe. These folks are tortured until they confess that Syria ordered the asteroid strike.
Other nations are not impressed with the evidence, but Dick goes ahead with the Syrian invasion. Syria is flattened in a mass bombing campaign. Meanwhile, no links are found on the groud to Syria’s asteroid control device.
Then one evening in the torture chamber, Dick is trying to get a POW to confess that Syria does indeed have asteroid controlling technology, but it’s packed into invisible trailers that have been moved across the border to Narnia. A breathless aid breaks in.
“Sir! Remember that asteroid?”
“Don’t bother me. Working.”
“But sir, the asteroid is going to hit earth in a…”
Then there’s a loud boom and the world is destroyed.
-Fin-
Pere Ubu said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:30
it’s packed into invisible trailers that have been moved across the border to Narnia
Oh, COME ON.
How’d they fit the trailers through the wardrobe?
PeeJ said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:38
And Brad, you wimpy, gun-skeered lib, you can’t get birdSHOT out of a rifle.
When I was a Boy Scout I shot Moskeet. I think they were smooth bore 0.22’s so technically not a rifle. They used .22 cal rimfire cartridges and shot teeny weeny shot. At teeny weeny clays.
So maybe you could cut Brad some fucking slack, bitch!
M. Bouffant said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:45
PeeJ, don’t make come up there &, & … Oh rats, can’t buy guns legally anymore.
Never mind.
science geek said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:52
The gun thing, really? How about:
As ivory tower egghead librul elitists, y’all should know that doesn’t really make sense.
PeeJ said,
May 22, 2009 at 23:58
okay, mr. smarty farty science geeko expert know-it-all. Asteroids ARE in orbit, fairly stable orbits at that, around the sun. It’s the comets that have eccentric orbits and would be at all likely to be on a collision course with earth. And god will protect us too. PHTPTHTTHPTPHTT
henry lewis said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:02
By ‘adult’, they must be talking diapers. Kind of a wingnut shorthand.
If Cheney had read a Serbo-Croatian translation of My Pet Goat backwards pausing every six words to deliver a rebel yell and wearing a propeller beanie with his finger in his nose, this still would have been the most serious, awesomest, liberalz-pwning speech evar.
Sadly, no.
Have you noticed how the wingnuts and trolls are getting extra het up now that Cheney’s out there distracting and denying as the stink of his torture regime grows ever more foul? Sigh. Would that our politicians simply follow the law.
Donkey Hotay said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:04
It only makes it stink worse when you stir it about, friend Cheney.
Pinko Punko said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:07
Where is Gavin?
Only he will know the dangeral beat being played here:
http://www.michaelberube.com/index.php/weblog/comments/1285/
Do not let the Professor mock you!
Stefivergissmich said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:19
Dog, I hate crappy sequels. We know they’ve signed Cheney instead of Bruce Willis, and the rest of the cast will have the bland good looks of meat-puppet local TV anchors, without the fixed grins and happy talk that would portend alien mind possession in any good 50’s Scifi movie. Still, there’ll be Lynn for the lesbian star trooper shower scene.
It’ll be made by the Science Fiction Channel and called Ultimate Apocalypse IV, and the interiors will be low-lit surfaces of blocks of plastic-sprayed Styrofoam like the belly of an Imperial destroyer. The exteriors will be stock footage of Hurricane Katrina, subject to budget constraints.
If Ben Stein is the NASA guy or the scientific advisor, that’s it. I’m turning to QVC.
Pere Ubu said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:24
the bland good looks of meat-puppet local TV anchors
I usually refer to them as the term used for a cyst-like clump of teeth & hair, which term I cannot think of right now. JEEEZUL I hate getting old.
Still, there’ll be Lynn for the lesbian star trooper shower scene.
EEEEEW EEEEEEW EEEEEEWWW NAKKID LYNNE DO NOT WANT
TheFool said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:27
If that alternate timeline actually happened we could only hope and pray that the hydrogen bomb not only altered time from 2008 forward but perhaps, god willing, had caused punk music to sink into oblivion in about 1976. Then we would be rid of that scourge of crappy music forever! Praise god!
How’s it hangin’ st00pid punk bitchiz?
Smut Clyde said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:30
A teratoma? Or is that a new Latin dance craze?
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:30
It’s desperation. I’m enjoying it immensely. Obama, because he has important things to deal with, gave the Bush/Cheney miscreants an opportunity to skate on their crimes; all they had to do was STFU and let things blow over. They seem to be constitutionally incapable of doing so.
We simply have to sit back and let things develop at the right pace. This is why the yelling about Obama failing to release the torture photographs right now is understandable, but misguided. The wingnuts are still trying to sell the story that these people were tortured to reveal plots against the US. The actual fact that they were tortured to admit to a nonexistent connection between Al Quaeda and Iraq to justify Cheney War II is just now reaching critical mass in the public mind.
If the torture photos were released now, they would be old news by the time the public’s perception changed. Now, as they come to the realization that this is what these people were tortured for, suddenly the pictures are released (because Obama knew he would ultimately fail when he promised to “try” to suppress them) and people see just exactly what was done to them to generate these false stories.
It’s a long con. Things have to happen at the right time, and in the right order. It’s an 8-year plan, necessarily: if the political climate changes so much by 2012 that Obama isn’t even re-elected, believe me, War Crimes trials ain’t happening either! Fortunately, Cheney and his merry men seem to be playing into our hands. Take a deep breath, relax, be patient, and enjoy the show. And buy stock in Orville Redenbacher’s!
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:36
Smut Clyde is right, Pere Ubu, teratoma is the word you’re looking for. Is it significant that only women ever have teratomae with teeth?
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:36
Happy weekend, he/she/it/person/things!
I’m off to the Cacapon Mountains in WV.
~
Pere Ubu said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:41
How’s it hangin’ st00pid punk bitchiz?
I’m going to go home and listen to “Head, Chest or Foot” by Propaghandi just for you.
bliekker said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:47
Cheney: Adult Diapers is more like it.
Smut Clyde said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:48
Attach of the Teratomata!
Pere Ubu said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:49
teratoma is the word you’re looking for
Thank you, Smut.
Teratomae. Sounds like the latest foreign car – “the new Mazda Teratomae, real hair-lined interior and all-ivory trim!”
I’ll stop now, thank you.
Pere Ubu said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:52
Attach of the Teratomata!
I think I’m going to miss her
Teratomae ate my sister
Smut Clyde said,
May 23, 2009 at 0:54
Not to be confused with a TMTO.
gocart mozart said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:06
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
“Libertarian paradise, beaches!”
Sure but you have to BYO cheetos and lets not even get into the excess of er colored folk.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QDv4sYwjO0
tigrismus said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:09
Teratomata
while not quite stigmata
would never be thought to be
desiderata
gocart mozart said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:09
Teratomae ?
What does delicious Italian chocolate creme layer cake have to do with any of this?
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:10
Dick Cheney put forth a rather cogent argument. Obama is too idealistic when it comes to fighting terrorism.
Turbine Yukon Palin said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:14
Wait, this was meant unironically????
I saw this in a different context and totally thought, “Yes, and with any luck, directly in its path.”
Wow, I seem to be missing a lot of contextual nuances these days.
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:17
I’d feel a lot safer if Dick Cheney were president. How about the rest of you?
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:17
Be honest!
Righteous Bubba said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:17
So he persuaded you, the idiot who believed him already, that the things you already believe are great things remain great.
Score one for Cheney!
gocart mozart said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:19
Nevermind.
http://www.heavenlytiramisu.com/
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:20
That’s a contradiction. If he had “persuaded” me, how could I have “believed him already”?
Righteous Bubba said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:22
You’re the only one here who found it “cogent”: you explain it.
gocart mozart said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:23
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:17
I’d feel a lot safer if my mommy held me and wiped away my tears. How about the rest of you? (edited for accuracy)
Lord Harry said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:23
Once again, the left is showing it’s sympathy for the enemies of America rather than for the innocent victims of 9/11. It was 9/11 that brought about this destructive conflict of civilizations when the mohammedans launched an unprovoked, premptive attack on American soil.
America and Western Civilization must do whatever it takes to win no matter how brutal and “inhumane” those actions may seem. Dick Cheney is right for criticizing Obama over his opposition to torture and his planned closure of Guantanamo Bay. Dick Cheney is a solid conservative of principle who is not afraid to call it as it is. He sees Obama (quite correctly) as a niave fool, ignorant of foreign affairs, and more concerned with pandering to the far-left fringe than defending our Homeland and defeating the mohammedan terrorist threat.
As I mentioned earlier, even if torture doesn’t gain accurate confessions, it should still be used do to it’s deterent factor, and as retribution. The West needs to wake up. In short Europeans need to start having more children, and they certainly need to deport their mohammedan immigrants who are just as bad, if not worse than our own illegal alien scourge from Mexico.
It’s time White Christians take back our Civilization!
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:24
So who is the real idiot here, Righteous Bubba? I’m not calling you one. I’ll leave the name-calling to those who don’t have cogent arguments. But if the shoe fits…
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:25
Mommy did a pretty good job, gocart, after all, she produced me, but I certainly wouldn’t want her in charge of protecting the US.
Righteous Bubba said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:28
The guy who didn’t look up “cogent”?
Pere Ubu said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:29
I’d feel a lot safer if Dick Cheney were president. How about the rest of you?
Be honest!
Honestly, no.
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:30
So how about it? Cheney/Gingrich 2012! You’re never too old to be president, but you can be too soft on terrorism.
Righteous Bubba said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:32
I’m in favour of the ticket obviously. Hope that’s a real BLT there and that he’s politically active.
Pere Ubu said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:33
But can you be too soft on teratomaeism?
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:37
How about snowboarding as a means of establishing a relationship with terrorists? You go snowboarding with them, establish a relationship based on trust, mutual respect, and understanding then they will surely begin to freely self-disclose all of their dirty little secrets.
Righteous Bubba said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:40
They keep ramming the trees.
Snorghagen said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:43
Fuck cogent. How about some concussive and cacophonic arguments?
MajorKong said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:44
I’d feel a lot safer if Dick Cheney were president. How about the rest of you?
Depends on how long it took my Canadian immigration papers to be approved.
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:44
Ramming the trees? I was thinking more along the lines of hugging them.
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:46
MajorKong, are we feeling a little jealous over my dual citizenship, eh?
MajorKong said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:47
As I mentioned earlier, even if torture doesn’t gain accurate confessions, it should still be used do to it’s deterent factor, and as retribution.
I think there was a guy in Iraq who used to do that sort of thing. It really kept the Islamists under control.
I forget his name. It began with an S I think.
gocart mozart said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:48
I would not “feel” safer with Cheney as president. Cheney has only made us less safe but leaving that aside, cowardice should not be the main criteria for choosing a leader. I would rather have a president who believes in the Constitution and the rule of law rather than a pathological liar, sociopath and uber-coward like Cheney.
How about it “unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes”, would you prefer someone like Stalin or Hitler instead of Cheney? Both were a bit tougher with their enemies than 5 deferments Dicky. If not, I am curious to find out what your rational might be. I am sure it would be rather hypocritical though.
MajorKong said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:49
are we feeling a little jealous over my dual citizenship, eh?
Depends on where you are.
Vancouver – definitely.
Winnipeg – not so much.
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:49
I think the one you’re referring to, MajorKong is now history, thanks to Dick Cheney and like-minded individuals.
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:50
Are you kidding me? Winnepeg rocks!
MajorKong said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:50
Well, I suppose 40-below keeps the rif-raf out.
Pere Ubu said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:51
Ramming the trees? I was thinking more along the lines of hugging them.
Further living proof of why conservatives shouldn’t even TRY to pretend they have a sense of humor.
Like His Holiness the great Pope David Meyer once said, “If you don’t have a sense of humor, DON’T TRY TO BE FUNNY”.
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:52
If that was aimed at me, I’m not a conservative, and I’m certainly not funny. I’m beyond funny.
See you folks later. I’m off to Canada.
MajorKong said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:53
When conservatives try to do humor it usually just comes off as really creepy.
http://patriotshop.us/product_info.php?cPath=21&products_id=584
Stefivergissmich said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:54
Cheney 2012? I doughno, what with the wheelchair and the gloved arm that tends to spring up like that, it could be a bit of a PR problem.
MajorKong said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:56
I think the first time he bit the head off a live puppy on national television it would put a serious crimp in his poll numbers.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
May 23, 2009 at 1:58
I’d feel a lot safer if Dick Cheney were president. How about the rest of you?
Absolutely.
Oh, wait, you said “president”, not “imprisoned.”
In that case, are you outta yer goddam mind or what?
tigrismus said,
May 23, 2009 at 2:01
I think the first time he bit the head off a live puppy on national television it would put a serious crimp in his poll numbers.
Only Dick Cheney is serious and adult enough to confront puppofascism full in the tiny little wet-nosed face.
Snorghagen said,
May 23, 2009 at 2:02
Just a bit muddled.
gocart mozart said,
May 23, 2009 at 2:06
Did I scare the wittle troll BL Tunes off? I sorry.
A hearty zeig heil to you Lord Harry.
Righteous Bubba said,
May 23, 2009 at 2:08
BLT’s (likely) not Lord Harry, but a genuinely confused musical abomination.
Smut Clyde said,
May 23, 2009 at 2:17
Additionally, the moon’s absence has caused the Earth to wobble more on its axis, thus producing more extreme periods of hot and cold than we have ever known.
“Suck air!”, the survivors exhort one another, rejoicing in the fact that no planet in the history of the galaxy had ever been as thoroughly liberated as Earth
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
May 23, 2009 at 2:27
He’ll just fold it into the funding for his project to extract the source of eternal life from the pineal glands of adorable (they HAVE to be “adorable”, for some reason) kittens and wide-eyed crying orphans under the age of 7.
Dick Cheney’s a hormagaunt?
MOAR VANCE PLZ!
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
May 23, 2009 at 2:34
The irony of ‘Stache o’ Doom’s asteroid analogy is that Bush/Ceney were openly hostile to the very folks one would want to deal with such a problem.
As this mightily ‘stached man once explained, the idea of blowing up the killer asteroid is not so great, when a simple “shepherd” spacecraft could, using gravity, shift the trajectory of said asteroid to save the day.
Science- it works, bitches!
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,
May 23, 2009 at 2:35
“MOAR VANCE PLZ!”
Well, if I remember the description of Iouconou the Laughing Magician, he sounds a lot like Cheney. Except for the laughing. And the Magic. Oh, never mind.
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,
May 23, 2009 at 2:43
Also, it seems likely to me that Cheney has become an emeritus. But that may be too obscure.
gocart mozart said,
May 23, 2009 at 2:44
My question is also applies to Lord “henrietta” Harry so I repeat my self. Not that he is man enough to respond.
I would not “feel” safer with Cheney as president. Cheney has only made us less safe but leaving that aside, cowardice should not be the main criteria for choosing a leader. I would rather have a president who believes in the Constitution and the rule of law rather than a pathological liar, sociopath and uber-coward like Cheney.
How about it Lord Harry would you prefer someone like Stalin or Hitler instead of Cheney? Both were a bit tougher with their enemies than 5 deferments Dicky. If not, I am curious to find out what your rational might be. I am sure it would be rather hypocritical though.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
May 23, 2009 at 2:48
Well, if I remember the description of Iouconou the Laughing Magician, he sounds a lot like Cheney. Except for the laughing. And the Magic. Oh, never mind.
I could totally picture Cheney inserting a barbed, prickly alien into someone’s body to ensure compliance.
MarkusR said,
May 23, 2009 at 3:17
This was supposed to be fiction!!
chimpevil said,
May 23, 2009 at 4:20
Don’t you all remember when Al Gore gave this brilliant, impassioned speech against the Iraq war in 2002 I think, and everybody in the media was like oh please he got a beard, he’s fat, hahahaha!!! So why is dick satan being treated like he’s a great wizened leader-just makin sure the kid prez doesn’t fuck up-by these same media whores? And do ya think that Obama’s weird dissembling shit, like this indefintite detention bullshit in an otherwise dead-on speech, might be influenced by a fear of the same media propensity to destroy anybody who just might maybe show an ounce of true liberality, not to mention that Harry Reid got his back like Brutus had caesar’s?
Why do I get the deep sense that we’re fucked.
Matt McIrvin said,
May 23, 2009 at 4:22
Don’t mess with God’s America.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
May 23, 2009 at 4:32
I dunno, chimpevil. The more Cheney goes on about national security, and transparency, the more people ask, “He was so secretive before, he won’t shut up now, WTF?” By throwing down the gauntlet, Cheney’s practically daring Congress or the DoJ to look into this matter.
FSM, I hope that’s the case.
Mike in Teh Heartl....er...Shoulderland said,
May 23, 2009 at 5:11
Why do I get the deep sense that we’re fucked.
Because we are?
GregB said,
May 23, 2009 at 5:41
Kirsanow looks like he should be on a double bill with that creepy re-closeted porn star cum rightwing pundit Matt Sanchez.
Kirsanow actually looks like his mustache was created by a nasty Sanchez.
Back to the cough syrup now.
-G
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 23, 2009 at 8:30
“BLT’s (likely) not Lord Harry, but a genuinely confused musical abomination.”
If you’re really confused, I think it’s time to ask this:
What Part of Right-wing Don’t You Understand?
Dr BLT
words and music by Dr BLT © 2009
http://www.drblt.net/music/whatrightwing.mp3
Another Kiwi said,
May 23, 2009 at 10:03
Iffen you don’t have the saled docket, you cain’t take back that civerlizashun. I knoews that whun I tried to take back a toster they sayed “no, you got no saled docket”
They hates whight peeple.
Lame Hardly said,
May 23, 2009 at 11:31
Once again, you libs are showing more sympathy to the asteroid which wiped out conservatives’ fellow-believers, 63 million years ago, than you are toward carbon-based terrestrial life-forms. The fact is, there are gazillions of asteroids out there, each one willing to destroy our way of life. But all you libs want to do is use money stolen from teh Masters of Teh Wall Street Universe to build “telescopes” and “observatories” to “understand” these dangers to our existence as an entrepreneurial class of autonomous creators. Darth Lord Cheney had it right: only by attacking Mars, with our thousands of megatons of thermonuclear weapons, can we get revenge upon these “rogue planets”. Only after we reduce Mars to billions of mountain-sized rocks, each tumbling in an eccentric orbit about the inner solar system, will we have eliminated the threat which asteroids pose to our fair home.
Bookmark it, libs: you will wonder how the hell I was able to obtain a G.E.D.
PopeRatzo said,
May 23, 2009 at 14:52
If you tell me that picture is actually what this guy looks like, and it’s not photoshopped, you will have made me the happiest man alive.
Snarla said,
May 23, 2009 at 15:24
“Mohammedans.” That’s always funny.
Righteous Bubba said,
May 23, 2009 at 17:07
Just allowing for namestealing.
tigrismus said,
May 23, 2009 at 17:38
The more Cheney goes on about national security, and transparency, the more people ask, “He was so secretive before, he won’t shut up now, WTF?”
I keep expecting the press to notice Cheney could’ve declassified anything he wanted just a few short months ago, but somehow it never comes up. Odd, that.
Realist said,
May 23, 2009 at 18:50
We know they’ve signed Cheney instead of Bruce Willis
So Cheney stays on the asteroid and blows himself up? Man, I just love happy endings.
Lord Harry said,
May 23, 2009 at 19:00
gocart mozart said,
May 23, 2009 at 2:44
I am a man of conviction who is not afraid to state his beliefs, therefore I will answer your question. I am not a nazi. I deeply admire the Jewish people and am a staunch supporter of Israel. The Jews helped pave the way for our Judeo-Christian Western Civilization, their contributions to our culture are unumerable.
I don’t agree at all with the nazi’s Jewish policy, and their economic policies were less to be desired. However, the nazis did have some very noble qualities about them. First and foremost there patriotism and love of country. That was commendable. Second, there commitment to Western Civilization, and use of incentives to encourage a high birth rate amongst Germans. Third, their military buildup and vigorous defense of Homeland and Civilization.
Those are all very noble qualities. In fact, I have much more respect for the Nazi Regime than I do for the post-modern, self-hating Federal Republic of Germany, whose people despise their own culture, history and civililzation. The modern day Germans have no respect for their own military, and concientius objector status is now more common than military service..
If the Nazis were currently in charge of Germany I would be confident that they would be a vital ally in the war against Islamic terrorism.
You see, I am not a coward. I answered your question.
Satisfied?
Realist said,
May 23, 2009 at 19:05
It was 9/11 that brought about this destructive conflict of civilizations when the mohammedans launched an unprovoked, premptive attack on American soil
Really? Perhaps you could explain exactly what it was the “mohammedans” were trying to preempt with their unprovoked attack?
Lord Harry said,
May 23, 2009 at 19:11
You know what I mean “realist”. The mohammedans attacked the United States of America because we are the most powerful Nation in Christendom.
One of the main tenents of their religion is to kill all nonbelievers. Christians and Jews would fall into that category.
gocart mozart said,
May 23, 2009 at 19:56
Lame Hardly wins the thread.
rip said,
May 23, 2009 at 20:38
Lord Harry said,
Once again, the left is showing it’s sympathy for the enemies of America rather than for the innocent victims of 9/11. It was 9/11 that brought about this destructive conflict of civilizations when the mohammedans launched an unprovoked, premptive attack on American soil.
America and Western Civilization must do whatever it takes to win no matter how brutal and “inhumane” those actions may seem. Dick Cheney is right for criticizing Obama over his opposition to torture and his planned closure of Guantanamo Bay. Dick Cheney is a solid conservative of principle who is not afraid to call it as it is. He sees Obama (quite correctly) as a niave fool, ignorant of foreign affairs, and more concerned with pandering to the far-left fringe than defending our Homeland and defeating the mohammedan terrorist threat.
As I mentioned earlier, even if torture doesn’t gain accurate confessions, it should still be used do to it’s deterent factor, and as retribution. The West needs to wake up. In short Europeans need to start having more children, and they certainly need to deport their mohammedan immigrants who are just as bad, if not worse than our own illegal alien scourge from Mexico.
It’s time White Christians take back our Civilization!
Wouldn’t preemptive genocide be a more effective deterrence? Just asking.
8th wonder said,
May 23, 2009 at 21:29
Oh noes! We like the moon! http://www.rathergood.com/moon_song
gocart mozart said,
May 23, 2009 at 23:40
Lord Harry said,
May 23, 2009 at 19:00
“I don’t agree at all with the nazi’s Jewish policy, and their economic policies were less to be desired. However, the nazis did have some very noble qualities about them. First and foremost there patriotism and love of country. That was commendable. Second, there commitment to Western Civilization, and use of incentives to encourage a high birth rate amongst Germans. Third, their military buildup and vigorous defense of Homeland and Civilization.
Those are all very noble qualities. In fact, I have much more respect for the Nazi Regime than I do for the post-modern, self-hating Federal Republic of Germany, whose people despise their own culture, history and civililzation. The modern day Germans have no respect for their own military, and concientius objector status is now more common than military service..
If the Nazis were currently in charge of Germany I would be confident that they would be a vital ally in the war against Islamic terrorism. ”
I give you points for honesty.
So aside from the Jewish thing and the economic stimulus thing, Hitler was O.K. Which do you think was worse, building the autobon or the Holocaust?
He should have gassed 6 million mohammedans instead I suppose.
Well, at least we know where you stand. An admitted fascist.
gocart mozart said,
May 24, 2009 at 0:56
Can we all agree that Godwin is dead.
Saint jim, Patron Saint of Bitchslapping said,
May 24, 2009 at 4:57
One of the main tenents of their religion is to kill all nonbelievers. Christians and Jews would fall into that category.
Actually, since they all worship the same God of Abraham, Christians & Jews would be the only ones besides Muslims who do NOT fall into the “unbelievers” category.
“Convert or slay” is also a core tenet of OT Christianity, but like modern Christians, mainstream contemporary Muslims have wisely chosen to value the prohibition of murder more than the command to kill unbelievers – a trivial fact that certain useful idiots always somehow conveniently forget.
Enjoy your theology fail.
———————
PS – bonus points for admiring a bunch of degenerate occultist Hollow Earthers who wanted to take Europe back to the Dark Ages. Odd that the rest of the world didn’t think a bunch of book-burning thugs were quite as “noble” as you do – but pretty damn lucky for you, because otherwise you might be in a fucking Stalag right now, being worked to death for some pointless Third Reich megaproject … an irony I’m quite sure eludes your tiny diseased brain.
“Commitment to Western Civilization” my ass – unless your definition of “civilization” includes mass-murder, rape, looting & arson.
I guess if they’d just destroyed huge swaths of an entire fucking continent & tried to enslave humanity in a more “free-market-friendly” fashion & without the embarrassment of that whole icky Holocaust thingy they’d be PERFECT, eh?
Wow. Another brand-new moronometer, busted to hell.
unapologetic pirate of Dr BLTunes said,
May 24, 2009 at 8:53
So, it’s agreed then, Cheney is winning the PR battle with Obama?
gocart mozart said,
May 24, 2009 at 18:38
Yes he is, please oh please don’t throw us liberal in the briar patch. !11!
agum said,
May 25, 2009 at 1:00
Facial hair that bad can only be called parasitic.
It enhances its own fitness at the expense of its host.
It’s a selfish mustache.
karrsic said,
May 25, 2009 at 3:12
fixed.
St. Bina, Queen of Sheba said,
May 25, 2009 at 5:25
In fact, I have much more respect for the Nazi Regime than I do for the post-modern, self-hating Federal Republic of Germany, whose people despise their own culture, history and civililzation. The modern day Germans have no respect for their own military, and concientius objector status is now more common than military service..
If the Nazis were currently in charge of Germany I would be confident that they would be a vital ally in the war against Islamic terrorism.
Your confidence is sadly misplaced. And your assessment of Germany is way off the mark. But what are facts when one is a fascist with a non-point to fail to make?
PS: Leck mich am Arsch, du gottverdammtes Nazischwein.
And yeah, I’m a German, so I CAN call you that.
Doctorb said,
May 25, 2009 at 6:18
I hadn’t realized that it was actually a rather lovely canon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHIw-ZfbDSQ
Rary Guppert said,
May 26, 2009 at 16:16
you know, i’m with cheney on this one. fuck the goddamn moon.
rodert rudis said,
May 27, 2009 at 3:24
An asteroid landed in our back yard when I was six and killed my father’s favorite cow. By some strange coincidence, which I can see now, the cow was called Chee-nini. I verified this with my cousing Tommy, who was eight when the cow got hit with the outerspace rock. The folks over at the county office wanted to take the rock, which was ok with my father, but he wouldn’t let them have the cow. The cow had a hole through it the size of a bait bucket, but my father said there was still plenty of good meat left. The man from the country said it would make us sick if we ate it. It didn’t.
Righteous Bubba said,
May 27, 2009 at 3:27
That is a great story.