May
19
19
And Now A Word From Benjamin Shapiro Legal Consulting
Shorter Ben Shapiro:
Ben Shapiro, Human Wingnuts Online:
If You Disagree With Obama, Are You Anti-American?
- It is only un-American to criticize a Republican President. In fact, it is your patriotic duty to criticize a Democrat Socialist President like Barack Hitler Hussein Lenin X Stalin Obama who threatened to invade the United Kingdom unless they banned Michael Savage, who plans on sending investors to concentration camps and who is going to rename our country the United Socialist States of America.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Mike said,
May 19, 2009 at 13:01
Weebleweebleflurpsclurp.
I have now expressed myself as cogently and wittily as Ben. I can haz Lolcat Events colum nao?
Arky Schadenfreude said,
May 19, 2009 at 13:13
If a wingnut fails in the forest and everyone laughs uproariously, does it make a sound?
alec said,
May 19, 2009 at 13:27
Indede, I bleev is can be centrul to my point.
bulbul said,
May 19, 2009 at 13:31
From Ben’s, um, piece:
That would be Chief-Garibaldi-from-Babylon-5 Jerry Doyle, right?
Ted the Slacker said,
May 19, 2009 at 13:32
Shorter Larry from Alpine, Texas (in the comments):
I’m mad. Hey look, capslock. I’M MAD. SEE?
henry lewis said,
May 19, 2009 at 13:47
Lenin shooting speculators, Hitler rounding up Jews, Robert Gibbs chiding…
I dunno, Ben. Needs work.
Grace Nearing said,
May 19, 2009 at 13:49
Those who voted for Teleprompter-in-Chief should be summarily hanged for treason.
Nothing like a column on “budding tyranny” to bring out fully blossomed cyber-tyrants.
I Cried My Heart Out For Want Of My Love said,
May 19, 2009 at 13:51
Yeah, that’s Mr Garibaldi. It’s really very depressing.
Anonymous said,
May 19, 2009 at 13:56
Don’t MAKE FUN of Larry from Alpine, Texas!!!!! I have NOTHING BUT RESPECT for the sort of REAL MEN and REAL PATRIOTS who AREN’T AFRAID to use their CAPS LOCK KEY IN DEFENSE OF LIBERTY!!!! SPINELESS LEFTISTS are TERRIFIED by capital letters and their DREAMS OF TYRANNY will crumble when they are opposed by anyone who uses BIG THROBBING GLOBS of EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!
PopeRatzo said,
May 19, 2009 at 13:58
Shapiro proves Godwin’s Law by the third paragraph. Short of having the headline of his article be “Obama=Hitlier” that’s pretty hard to beat.
Anyway, the main point benshapiro is trying to make is that Hitler and Obama both used the word “speculators”, which shows…something, I guess.
Shapiro is such a little turd. He makes me want to be 12 years old again and go back to the school that Shapiro went to just so I could bully him. I’ve never been a bully in my life, but something about benshapiro makes me have a renewed understanding for at least the bullies that must have bullied him when he was 12. That was last year, I think.
Anyway, thanks for the pic. I love pictures of wingnuts.
Pere Ubu said,
May 19, 2009 at 14:17
That’s a pretty disgusting chunk of poop in that toilet in the picture.
Gary Ruppert said,
May 19, 2009 at 14:19
The fact is, here in the Heartland, we are excited for the new Creed album, Full Circle. You libs don’t understand what the original lineup means to the majority of this Christian nation. Scott Stapp said it best, we all live under the reign of one king, and it’s not Barack Obama Stalin.
Snorghagen said,
May 19, 2009 at 14:19
What more proof do you need? European throngs only cheer when they can detect Leninist vibes on the astral plane.
alec said,
May 19, 2009 at 14:21
I love the hell out of the telepromptar!!! angle, because (a) it’s one of several Republican slanders which assume a priori that Obama is an illiterate goon, an impression almost nobody in the country shares whether or not they support him; and (b) it’s like if we made fun of Bush for wearing a fucking suit.
I’ve seen children roll their eyes at it. Spiro Agnew these folks ain’t.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 19, 2009 at 14:28
The fact is, Shapiro is full of poop.
alec said,
May 19, 2009 at 14:34
Kind of like one of the world’s worst cigar-smoking man-skunk hectoring a veteran for documentation of Obama’s well-attested uncle helping to liberate a concentration camp, this is one of those matters where the wingnuts’ vile little obsessions bounce off each other: they want it to be World War II forever, and yet they don’t want to confront Nazism as an ideology nor take any kind of stand against the aggressive, enthusiastic nationalism that drove the Wehrmacht in invading and brutalizing most of Europe. So they sneer about the current French being ingrates in the face of our glorious liberation, and yet somehow cheering French and German crowds bring to mind the Communazis instead of, you know, the fucking hurricane of liberation trim that defined the war from the capture of Paris onwards.
They can put themselves in the shoes of a strapping Aryan conflicted about which wogs the Fuhrer wants to kill but forced to go along with the crowd, and yet they can’t even for a minute put themselves in the shoes of our own soldiers. (Of course, the nature of a conscript army means that they were no more WASPy or conservative than the general public, but empathize my ass.)
Legalize said,
May 19, 2009 at 14:46
“If a wingnut fails in the forest and everyone laughs uproariously, does it make a sound?”
Now now. Laughing at wingnuts is tantamount to violating their first amendment rights. See also, Hitler, Stalin, etc.
SomeNYGuy said,
May 19, 2009 at 14:50
Mommy, why does the nice toilet bowl have such scary eyebrows?
Michael G said,
May 19, 2009 at 14:57
Man, on the subject of Babylon 5…
I saw Tron the other day. It was very trippy to have the Dude team up with Captain Sheridan to fight 80’s glasses man.
Also, my post, since it isn’t Godwinning itself in this critical third paragraph is superior to Shapiro’s exegesis.
Michael G said,
May 19, 2009 at 14:59
Mommy, why does the nice toilet bowl have such scary eyebrows?
Answers:
1. Because wingnuts need somewhere to poop too.
2. Because you touch yourself, (perhaps no longer) virgin Ben sprang into being from your discarded seed. Bad! Very bad! Feel shame!
Righteous Bubba said,
May 19, 2009 at 15:03
One of these things, etc.
That’s good lawyering!
Dr. BDH said,
May 19, 2009 at 15:07
Is that Ben’s real office? Because I’d like to know what “legal consulting” is. Perhaps it’s a step before actually retaining a lawyer to actually pursue a legal matter. If so, and Ben’s legal consulting is of the same quality as his opining, I pity those who seek his advice.
J Neo Marvin said,
May 19, 2009 at 15:20
That is absolutely precious:
According to today’s left, the answer is yes: Barack Obama is America. And opposition to Barack Obama or any of his policies is therefore, by definition, anti-American.
George W. Who? Never heard of the man.
It’s amazing how these people can turn on a dime.
Zifnab said,
May 19, 2009 at 15:21
So that consulting thing. Is this the sort of gig where you get $300 / hour to tell your client, “Yeah you’re fucked, I’d plead guilty if I were you”? Or is Shapiro one of those idiot savants that will give you advice you should perform the exact opposite of to win?
g said,
May 19, 2009 at 15:26
I love the hell out of the telepromptar!!! angle,
I love it too, because it’s so ridiculous as soon as someone pulls it out, you can cheerfuly dismiss everything they say. If they sign on to that gag, they’re disqualified from rational thought.
g said,
May 19, 2009 at 15:28
And opposition to Barack Obama or any of his policies is therefore, by definition, anti-American. Just listen to alleged comedienne Wanda Sykes at the White House Correspondents Dinner this past week:
Being made the butt of jokes is the new Opression!
The Fool said,
May 19, 2009 at 15:30
Barack Hitler Hussein Lenin X Stalin Obama
Omigod that is a low, low blow. To even insinuate that Obama has anything to do with a band as crappy as “X” — a band that, like the genre it comes from, sucks as much ass as “X”? At long last, sir, have you no sense of decency?
g said,
May 19, 2009 at 15:34
Those who sign up for “Organizing for America” are instructed to go door to door to persuade neighbors to sign petitions in favor of the Obama agenda — not because they believe in Obama’s policies, but because Obama is asking America to “believe … in my ability.”
Will there be donuts for our door-to-door neighbor canvassing? With sprinkles?
Seriously, have I missed the annual door-to-door household accounting and petition drive? Where are they getting this shit from?
And that’s some mighty fine use of ellipses there, Benjy. It’s like he picked the word “believe” from page 24 and then elllided everything else until he got to page 239. It’s about as meaningless a quote as “I……am……a……tyrant.”
El Cid said,
May 19, 2009 at 15:37
I think we all remember the hell of Lenin’s civil war Russia in which fantastically rich speculators demanded to be paid for their investments in companies which went bankrupt.
Lenin had them all lined them up against a very nice mahogany wall in a meeting office and had a staffer say to them, “No, we already had negotiations and you refused the earlier offer of partial remuneration with ownership in future stocks.”
And then the speculators walked away, condemned forever to live in shame and astounding wealth.
The Fool said,
May 19, 2009 at 15:39
Cid, you may be a douche, but that’s a pretty funny post there. Bravo.
El Cid said,
May 19, 2009 at 15:40
From the comment squad:
Was this one of you people?
Lawndart said,
May 19, 2009 at 15:51
Spiro Agnew these folks ain’t.
They could at least take the time to work up something properly alliterative like “Teetering Teleprompters Of Tyranny”
Ted the Slacker said,
May 19, 2009 at 15:57
Was this one of you people?
If it is, someone should take a bow. That was extended vault copy wingnut rage, not easy to forge.
henry lewis said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:03
Does it need to make sense?
The Antagonising Anteaters of Anti-speculating.
Shorter Larry Johnson said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:08
Johnny Pez said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:10
It doesn’t need to make sense, but it’s funnier if you can tie it to one or more of their major obsessions, like “abetter of ACORN atrocities”.
alec said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:13
Tangent: I’ve been predicting a golden era of epistolary writing for some time now. Since the development of the telegraph, telephone, and mass transit, the formal purpose of letter-writing has essentially evaporated; for all intents and purposes the letter, and its various associated forms (the essay and the short story especially), have been more or less living on borrowed time since. The writing of letters and essays, once to some extent an inseparable part of the literate experience, has become basically a situational obligation in which the main criterion is fulfillment – write a thank you letter, prove you can write an essay for school. Winning favor or arguments with them has not been feasible for some time.
With the development of the Internet and the cell phone networks (which are a fogeyish way of saying ‘mobiles’ and ‘SMS’), and their favoring of text-based communication for various reasons, we have had a great revival in communication skills with letters. While popular abbreviations might seem like a violence to language, it’s worth comparing the tremendous number of informal abbreviations in use when the letter was alive to the epistolary of the post-telephone era, dominated by longhand and impossible to flow.
The most incoherent e-mails come from the generations between Obama’s and McCain’s – it’d be unfair to blame it on age alone, because at some point you have to choose to treat every new piece of technology with default hostility. But they do suffer the misfortune of having to use the tools given to them by a largely oral society to communicate with people who have been actively corresponding in letters since their childhoods.
I bring this up because one of the many usage problems that people whose relationship to written language is arbitrary and distant is a poor grasp of why the basic rules of style matter. Whether REAL AMERICANS NEED TO YELL or not, it probably doesn’t make intuitive sense to Paternity Suit Larry that some words take capitals and some words don’t.
I remain rolling on the floor laughing my ass off about being an obedient servant – Colt Ruger-Hunter, KBE.
Mysticdog said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:14
“Yeah, that’s Mr Garibaldi. It’s really very depressing.”
I met the guy who played Zack his security second in command at an airport. He mostly wanted to talk about his christian rock band. I was pretty sad. I figured Doyle was a republican (He was essentially made-for-tv-Bruce-Willis(yeah, its two jokes in one)), but I didn’t think he was an idiot republican.
actor212 said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:21
MEMO
TO: Ben Shapiro
RE: Blogging
Shut up and get laid
The Fool said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:22
Somebody pay attention to me! I’m cute and smart and oh so nihilistically amusing! Your favourite band sucks! Hello? Is this thing on?
The Truth said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:23
Bookmark this, liberals: The new Creed album is going to be awesome.
actor212 said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:24
(Obama) has spoken to cheering throngs throughout Europe
I know my thong cheers when I see Michelle.
The Fool said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:24
Somebody pay attention to me!
Mission Accomplished.
henry lewis said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:27
Mission Accomplished.
Time to kick back with a doob and listen to some Foghat.
alec said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:30
I like how No Quarter’s commenters are still slinging around the Prop 8 lie.
In retrospect, I should have caught the central absurdity of the affair – namely, that the relative implausibility of either Wright or Obama, both pretty firmly in the Christian and economistic camp, having anything to do with Farrakhan, the crown prince of the racialists and the leader of the fucking Nation of Islam.
It’s not even that you have to be fundamentally ignorant about how the internal politics of the civil rights movement work, nor that you’d have to have completely and uncritically absorbed the right-wing memes affiliating Obama simultaneously to Crazy Black Jesus and the hated Moor. It’s that you would have to be totally ignorant about Louis Farrakhan, one of the more infamous men in the country, as anything but a racist bogeyman. I don’t even mean ignorant about his opinions or impact – I mean the most basic facts of the man’s background and notoriety. And you’re doing all that in service of people who spent the last ten years hoping to get someone crazy angry enough to kill your Fuhrerin?
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I don’t think in the course of human history anyone has fucked up being a bigot that badly. Momma Flowbee must be proud.
g said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:32
Oy. Is Larry Johnson having an imaginary dialogue with Barack Obama via time-travel?
PFC Dick Simmons said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:33
I hate Creed, and I hate the bands that you like!
The Fool said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:43
Time to kick back with a doob and listen to some Foghat.
They wouldn’t be high on MY playlist, but I can think of worse ways to spend a Tuesday morning…
g said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:50
Wow, there are some serious nut-cakes over at No Quarter. I like this rejoinder in the comments – it kind of completes the circle:
If you support Obama, it automatically disqualifies you from any accurate sense of judgment.
Case closed! They are just a collection of about a dozen people over there, reinforcing their own nutty theories. They’ve created a language of their own, too – I could barely follow some of it, as they’ve descended into some internal dialogue with inside slang and abbreviations.
It’s like they’re a set of feral children that have been locked in an attic for decades.
alec said,
May 19, 2009 at 16:51
A good metaphor for der Weisseyvideokassettendämmerung, sprung into my head fully-formed against my will, is Larry Johnson, in response to one outrage too many, burning a Star of David on Ludacris’s lawn.
PUMA HAKAHUAGUHAULAULAHUGHBHUHUHBHGHL
Till said,
May 19, 2009 at 17:08
Oh dear. Well he was a really, really bad actor who got way too much screen time.
D.N. Nation said,
May 19, 2009 at 17:09
Yeah, even the wingnutty of wingnut safe zones- Gateway Pundit, Pammycakes, Schlussel- seem to be grounded on firmer ground than Agent Larry n’pals. The comments are that post are remarkable- yep, PUMAs, you’ve still got us right where you want us.
I’m guessing NoQuarter, like Hillaryis44, has about eight full-time posters with a Troofy worth of aliases.
Wes F. in Hapeville said,
May 19, 2009 at 17:35
Anyone else see Larry from Alpine’s comment over there and think of L. H. Puttgrass?
WF
(signing off and heading for the tub!)
OneMadClown said,
May 19, 2009 at 17:35
Mommy, why does the nice toilet bowl have such scary eyebrows?
I believe you mean eyebrow, singular.
Djur said,
May 19, 2009 at 17:51
The Big Lebowski is one of my favorite movies, and Jeff Bridges does some of his best work in it, but it seems a bit reductionist to identify one of the best actors of his generation by a single character.
jim said,
May 19, 2009 at 18:18
Comment regurgitated For Greatest Justice (& because I have no idea if or how soon it’ll have a date with Debbie Deletion):
Where’s The Tidy-Bowl Man when you really need him?
Dylan said,
May 19, 2009 at 18:20
When in the course of Human Events, a Democrat President takes office, it is our duty to whine and bitch and moan and baseless compare that particular President to dictators.
Goddammit I just wanna give that little fuck a wedgie. And this kid got into Harvard? How the hell did that happen?
FlipYrWhig said,
May 19, 2009 at 18:26
I believe that’s how our erstwhile Preznit marked the occasion.
Stag Party Palin said,
May 19, 2009 at 18:49
“And this kid got into Harvard? How the hell did that happen?”
Are you talking about Virgin Ben or The Shrub? Other alumni must be weeping bitter tears.
Fight fiercely, Harvard!
Fight, fight, fight!
Demonstrate to them our skill.
Albeit they possess the might,
Nonetheless we have the will*.
*No they don’t. George Will only taught at Harvard. He’s a Princeton Man.
Wernher von Braun said,
May 19, 2009 at 19:00
Fight fiercely, Harvard!
Fight, fight, fight!
Demonstrate to them our skill.
I thought I told you to shut up!
I Cried My Heart Out For Want Of My Love said,
May 19, 2009 at 19:07
Yeah, I thought Garibaldi was a relatively normal Republican until today too. Jeff Conaway, though, that dude is from circumstances.
The Goddamn Batman Believes That Living Well Is The Best Revenge, Besides A Good Ass-Kicking, Of Course said,
May 19, 2009 at 19:24
Poor Ben is just pissed that Hoo-mon Events is still billing him as “a student at Harvard Law School”, plus of course Mrs. Ben won’t give him enough allowance to get a massage with a happy ending. It’s so frustrating.
Smut Clyde said,
May 20, 2009 at 0:30
Mommy, why does the nice toilet bowl have such scary eyebrows?
One of my home-decorating projects here at Maison d’Etre is to construct a papier-mache-&-chickenwire shell around the toilet bowl so it looks like a giant head sitting on the bathroom floor, and you lift up the top of the skull to reveal the scooped-out brain-pan when you want to use it.
The Frau Doktorin has been less than enocuraging about this plan.
OneMan said,
May 20, 2009 at 1:07
“The Frau Doktorin has been less than enocuraging about this plan.”
*snerk!*
I suppose it depends on whose face you put on the head, yes?