10
OH MY GOD
Marie’s talking about SEXYOUALL INTERCOURSE! BOIOIOIOIOINNNNNNNNG!!!
Above: Talks dirty when she’s slumming.
Here I am, rather like a wingnut, home alone on a Saturday night. GF worked late, it rained here all day.. bleh. And Marie, sly vixen that she is, totally knew it. She knew that Tintin would make fun of a Warner Todd Bukkit post, which would in turn make me click through and then click again until until I wound up at WTB’s personal site, stunned to see Marie there making sexy talk (which she never does at Renew America). It was like walking into a backwoods methlab to find Megan Fox parked on the couch looking glamorous and chattin about jetset shit. Marie caught me by surprise, and when I was weak.
God’s plan for marriage includes companionship and sexual enjoyment. It is undeniable that the Almighty created marriage as the place where both man and woman meet their sexual needs. Within Holy Matrimony, there is a deep abiding love that is naturally expressed in the act of intimacy.
You know, when I mentally strike out the “God” and “marriage” crap, this is pretty steamy stuff.
However, at times, life can become complicated and hurried. Many couples become distracted to the point where they spend less quality time together within the bedroom.
Today’s women often work and are tired after a long day. When they walk into the door, they immediately begin tending to the children, cleaning, helping with schoolwork, and preparing the evening dinner. Men frequently get up early to hit the freeways. They spend eight or more long hours at work before their tedious commute in heavy traffic to return home. All of this stress takes a toll on marriage. Too often, couples collapse into bed with hardly enough thought or energy to say good night.
This gets it all wrong, Marie. First of all, in a proper relationship between liberals, neither person “works;” both simply cash the welfare checks sent to them by Barack Hussein Hitler who coerces the money from those hardluck wealthy people who never can seem to catch a break. I admit it can be a chore to walk to the mailbox and back, but somehow we manage the task and have energy reserves left for tantric sex. Then there’s the “children” thing. Sorry, Marie: again, this is not applicable. I’ve had all my kids aborted. No distractions that way, plus it comports with liberalism’s longterm goal to make the white race extinct. Then there’s the commute thing. Pfft. Silly Marie, liberals use public transport! So, yeah baby, I gots the energy.
Love making is a beautiful and sensual act[...]
Ohhhhh, yeahhhhhh
that the Lord ordained. He knows life often presents many difficult challenges.
[Shudder] Goddamnit, Marie. This is quite beyond the standard “you had me then you lost me;” this is more like, you just dropped an iceberg on my sack. Gah!
. Couples can get through both the good and the bad times of living by becoming close through the gift of tender intimacy. When a husband or wife lovingly touches one another, a hormone called oxytocin is released.
!!! I-! Wha-?! Holy Shi…! [deep breath]. Sex and oxycontin?!?! You’re killing me, Marie. ZOMMFG. Next you’re gonna tell me you’re laying in an erotic pose on top of a French flag made from hemp, with some Chomsky or Terrence McKenna spoken word shit playing through the speakers! GET OUT OF MY MIND*!!! Ok, poise, HTML. Think “cold shower.”
The following words are well founded: “Never say no to a husband who wants sex” — Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
There, in that proper name, is the cold shower I needed. Whew. Then there’s the rather master/slave context of the quote: not good, Marie. Now play m/s stuff can be almost as fun as ululating Arabic curses on America whilst sacrificing a Christian infant to Ba’al Marduk. I mean, really: we’re talking pleasure overload here. But you’re quoting chauvinist crap, which isn’t very cool.
The same goes for a wife who wants sex. Do not allow a busy schedule to interfere with making time for one another. When couples neglect each other’s needs, they release less of the hormone, causing them to “feel emotionally and physically withdrawn,” which results in a downward spiral of marital sexuality.
Ohhhh, well that makes it all better. You’re just advocating a “fuck like bunnies” solution to… well, to any and all problems. Who I am to argue? Pray, continue! No, really!
However, there are titillating ways to remedy this situation. You don’t need to travel to some far exotic shore to create an interesting evening. Just begin to caress and embrace your lover[.]
OMG you are sooo filthy, Marie! I mean, that is just pure carnality. Hey, Penthouse Letters, eat your fucking heart out. Marie’s turgid prose inspires turgid — I was gonna try to conclude with a rhyme (something with “clothes”? no.) but for some reason I can’t concentrate very well right now. Yeah. No. Yeah. Anyway…
God created sex to bind a couple together. It is one of the most powerful emotions given to man.
BLARGH!!! Now you’re ruining it again! And the rest of the column is just more God, Schmod blah blah blah stuff which might as well be some Furry fetish thing (is it?) for how it utterly destroys my libido. Thanks a lot, Marie! You’re totally trying to hurt me down there, right? What a wicked tease!
Smut Clyde said,
May 10, 2009 at 9:16
When a husband or wife lovingly touches one another, a hormone called oxytocin is released.
I confess that when the Frau Doktorin touches me, the resulting hormones are usually bradykinin and prostaglandin, on account of her using the frying-pan.
Joe Max said,
May 10, 2009 at 9:20
Huh huh. She said “oxytocin”. Huh huh huh…
mextremist said,
May 10, 2009 at 9:39
ummmm… furries? really? please no.
please.
no.
Some Guy said,
May 10, 2009 at 9:39
Well, now i have images in my mind of M’ar’ie-j’on on all fours, taking it from behind, and her imagining being penetrated by God’s own mighty shaft. (Motto: it’s ALWAYS just the right size, baby!)
I’m not really sure how I feel about that…
Lesley said,
May 10, 2009 at 10:01
When a husband or wife lovingly touches one another, a hormone called oxytocin is released.
If the husband is Rush Limbaugh, the hormonal spelling is slightly different.
Ezzthetic said,
May 10, 2009 at 10:13
What the hell happened to the apostrophe?
Lesley said,
May 10, 2009 at 10:15
and then they get downright kinky.
Joe Max said,
May 10, 2009 at 10:16
Spread upon the cross of obligation, bound with the chains of sin, the handcuffs of iniquity, the nipple clamps of impiety, and the ball gag of wickedness.
Come to the Dark Side, Marie! We have cookies!
Newbie McNoob said,
May 10, 2009 at 10:21
You don’t need to travel to some far exotic shore to create an interesting evening.
Now she tells us this after 6 years of being in Iraq.
Grace Nearing said,
May 10, 2009 at 10:23
God created sex to bind a couple together. It is one of the most powerful emotions given to man.
Well she certainly screwed that up. It should be: one of the most powerful emotions given to men and women.
Also: Oxytocin is FDA approved and cranked out by the tankertruck-full by Big Pharma. Just be extra careful in tweaking the dose or you might end up giving birth to your own gallbladder.
Lesley said,
May 10, 2009 at 10:28
The authors of
The Marriage BedSex for Christians showing how it’s done.islmfaoscist said,
May 10, 2009 at 10:31
O! apostrophe
saucy, terminal apostrophe
lexi’graphic’ly symb’liz’d omission
(yet somehow foreshad’wing
a future unwritten)
I sensed you’d vanish’d from
lov’ly Marie’s ‘nym
your absence pang’d my
nether musc’lature
leaving only an
apostrophe-shap’d void, til
O! all at once
like some sweet! Oxy rush
it dawn’d on me that
like the batshit crazy
you were here all along
Newbie McNoob said,
May 10, 2009 at 10:35
Aughh! Those pics! You can’t fool me, Lesley. Paul & Lori are actually Doughy Pantload and K-Lo using pseudonyms!
Lesley said,
May 10, 2009 at 10:42
Doughy Pantload is the brand of high-waisted jeans Lori’s wearing.
gocart mozart said,
May 10, 2009 at 10:48
Rush, you should kick her out of your party if for no other reason than misspelling your drug of choice. We’ll trade you two Arlen Spectors and a Dominican boy to be named later. Howzaboutit
Marie, lets sleep in on Sunday morning and replenish our oxytocin levels. You can say “Oh God!11! all you want. You can even be thinking of Jesus when you do it. I don’t care.
ntnlplmbigcdhndbk said,
May 10, 2009 at 11:13
Paul and Lori!
Paul and Lori sez: “Change only occurs when not changing is more uncomfortable than the change.”
…Paul & Lori are actually Doughy Pantload and K-Lo…
I think that might be right but I don’t want to think about it. It makes me uncomfortable.
Cowalker said,
May 10, 2009 at 12:22
“Just begin to caress and embrace your lover.”
Judging from what I’ve read and my experience, her advice is limited to the female point of view. Women are more tactile, while men are more visual. She should be advising the woman to put on something transparent and bust some pole dancing moves.
Also, I see what she’s done here.
Women work hard and get tired but of course they must immediately start child care, cleaning and food preparation when they return home. Men are the only ones who have long commutes so they are excused from chores at home, but they’re still too tired to have libidinous thoughts.
Yeah, honey, is that what your husband tells you?
jurassicpork said,
May 10, 2009 at 12:41
The only thing we have to fear is the GOP itself… not!
Till said,
May 10, 2009 at 12:48
Highly religious people seem to use God the same way clueless mainstream pundits claim “the American people” agree with them on everything. It’s the royal we. And lazy writing.
Honus said,
May 10, 2009 at 13:08
From Paul and Lori’s site:
“A while back some folks at our church were discussing plans for a Valentine’s Day banquet. Someone suggested taking Communion, and this prompted another to suggest foot washing. One fellow said “Yeah, our wives can wash our feet” and several men joined in approvingly.”
I really can’t add anything to that.
ice weasel said,
May 10, 2009 at 13:13
joe max-ftw
html, you lost me with the megan fox mention.
Oh, and whole MJ fucking god thing. Standard christist psychobabble. It makes them feel better about “servicing” their tired hubbys even teh sex is, well, yucky, you know. It’s all about the ecstasy of finding jeebus and god in everything, blah, fucking blah.
conumbdrum said,
May 10, 2009 at 13:29
Hey, I’ll give her this much… at least she maintains that the man is obliged to give up the dick when wifey’s loins get all warm n’ toasty… just as the woman is required to serve up a helping of piping-hot coochie when hubby claps his hands.
Which puts her several rungs up the ol’ evolutionary ladder past Dennis “Sex isn’t as important to wives — less’n she’s a filthy slut, that is!” Prager.
R. Porrofatto said,
May 10, 2009 at 13:30
Lesley’s Marriage Bed kinky linky has to be a parody. The first sentence: “Headship is a sticky issue.” Brilliant satire.
Sirius Lunacy said,
May 10, 2009 at 13:33
Heh, heh. It doesn’t say in there anywhere that it has to YOUR husband. So if I were still married Dr Laura would have to have sex with me if I wanted it? Mind you, that’s an enormous IF.
WereBear said,
May 10, 2009 at 13:33
The thing that really frosts my heart cockles is the way they wish everyone to get partnered for life, with another lifelong virgin.
No wonder they need manuals.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 10, 2009 at 13:55
I thought she was going to say always serve your husband fresh orange juice, because only whores use frozen…
PopeRatzo said,
May 10, 2009 at 14:19
Honey, c’mere. I want you to see what this eminent doctor says…
PopeRatzo said,
May 10, 2009 at 14:20
Didn’t I just read that some Sharia judge said exactly the same thing?
DocAmazing said,
May 10, 2009 at 14:39
Marie’s turgid prose inspires turgid — I was gonna try to conclude with a rhyme (something with “clothes”? no.)
hose?
toes?
Joes!
LittlePig said,
May 10, 2009 at 14:46
What the hell happened to the apostrophe?
Somebody finally ate the biscuit. I knew that would happen eventually. It was easy to see.
Rightwingsnarkle said,
May 10, 2009 at 14:49
I’ve had all my kids aborted.
You should also nail the carcasses to the wall, ‘cuz that’s what I always do. It’s the best way that I know of to keep the count straight.
Nothing bugs me more than someone who can’t tell me exactly how many abortions they’ve had, and how many more they’re gunning for.
El Cid said,
May 10, 2009 at 14:56
You know, you people think this is all funny, but you got to remember, many of the people who are her target readership think this is all tremendously deep and insightful.
SJ said,
May 10, 2009 at 15:07
Sorry, but oxytocin and oxycontin are not the same thing and your con fusing the two means you missed even more of the silly eroticness of her post. That’s because oxytocin, to quote Wikipedia, is
released in large amounts after distension of the cervix and vagina during labor, and after stimulation of the nipples
although later Wikipedia tosses you in the cold shower and reports:
The relationship between oxytocin and human sexual response is unclear.
RvB said,
May 10, 2009 at 15:34
Oh, Marie! Get out of my dreams and into my think-tank.
Rightwingsnarkle said,
May 10, 2009 at 15:34
after stimulation of the nipples
I just squirted something.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 10, 2009 at 15:39
MoDo writes idiotic article about Obama and wonders why newspapers are dying.
Commanding his own unwieldy starship of blended species, with Cheney, Limbaugh and other pitiless Borg aliens firing phasers from all sides, Mr. Obama has certainly invoked Mr. Spock’s Vulcan philosophy of “Infinite diversity in infinite combinations.” And he even recruited some impulsive Rahmulen muscle for his Utopia.
No MoDo, we will not miss you when you’re gone.
N__B said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:00
I just squirted something.
From an orifice, I hope.
Ken Lowery said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:05
Maybe I’m an optimist, but I’m starting to think this chick isn’t a chick at all. What self-respecting woman would repost that crap from Schlessinger?
Then again, I am told again and again that a woman’s worst enemy is other women…
PeeJ said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:08
So, she’s pro gay marriage now? God also created the banana with gay marriage in mind.
[Sorry, somebody had to do it.]
comsympinko said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:11
“I confess that when the Frau Doktorin touches me, the resulting hormones are usually bradykinin and prostaglandin, on account of her using the frying-pan.”
What? No cyclooxygenase?
She must not be hitting you hard enough. Either that or you’re one tough bastard.
Abandon the frying-pan. Go for the Cat O’ Nine Tails.
Arky Schadenfreude said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:13
So that’s why that guy kept waving his hand under the stall. He was showing off his wedding ring to indicate I shouldn’t refuse to have sex with him.
My bad.
Pere Ubu said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:15
God created sex to bind a couple together.
I think there’s some European companies that make stuff to bind a couple together as well, but I’m sure Ms. Marie-John wouldn’t approve.
And just to make the oxytocin/oxycontin thing even MORE confusing, there’s a common urinary tract med called “oxybutnin”, aka Ditropan©. Now you see where medical errors come from.
E'twi d'maela said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:16
Sorry, Marie, but I’ve got a kind of dom/sub thing going on with my lover, so I can’t oblige your request. My wife on the other hand…
comsympinko said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:16
“Sorry, but oxytocin and oxycontin are not the same thing and your con fusing the two means you missed even more of the silly eroticness of her post. That’s because oxytocin, to quote Wikipedia, is
released in large amounts after distension of the cervix and vagina during labor, and after stimulation of the nipples
although later Wikipedia tosses you in the cold shower and reports:
The relationship between oxytocin and human sexual response is unclear.”
Hey. Concern molecular biologist. Fuck off and let the real doctors here determine that oxycontin and oxytocin are most certainly the same thing, which is clearly obvious by the exact same spelling, that there’s no irony obvious here AT ALL and the fact that a couple OC’s bring all of us to shuddering ecstasy.
I challenge you to prove otherwise.
comsympinko said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:21
Also, how many victims have Ms Jon’ ‘s musings added to the horrors of the spermatozoan holocaust that so terrorizes the ghost of Onan and his modern spiritual descendants?
My guess is in the 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000s
But that’s just a number I tossed off the tip of my head.
Lady Doctor Missus Concern Scientist said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:25
Concern molecular biologist.
Actually, that was more of a Concern Pharmacologist.
Neuropharmacologist said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:27
I am very concerned.
PeeJ said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:27
But that’s just
athe number I tossed off…fuxd
Arky Schadenfreude said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:28
Thanks to a sternly enforced policy of not talking about nasty naughty icky stuff in any detail (unless you pay for it), the average M’a'r’i'e’J'o’n reader won’t know what to make of this article.
Plus they’ll go away with the impression that sex creates a horribly addictive pain killer which will in turn make them into horribly depraved SEX ADDICTS.
Brilliant. I’m going to buy more stock in wetsuits.
Event Horizon said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:30
“But that’s just a number I tossed off the tip of my head.”
I see what you did there.
comsympinko said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:31
“Actually, that was more of a Concern Pharmacologist.”
I would have to disagree. The concern biologist’s primary truck was in hormones.
Specifically the oxytocin/cervical and vaginal distension/nipple stimulation/cold water gambit.
Even it know’s the OCs are the bomb.
Doesn’t take a Concern Pharmacologist to figure that one out…
kiki said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:33
OK, so I got the Helen Mohiam quote without checking the link, but I don’t think you had nearly enough ‘I’s or ‘N’s. It’s more like MIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNND.
It is indeed a timeless classic of movie dialogue, but it pales in comparison to the horrors of the MIND PROBE.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castellan_(Doctor_Who)#After_Doctor_Who
kiki said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:34
FWYP. Or FYWikipedia. Or something. Just cut and paste teh damn link yourselves.
SomeNYGuy said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:48
I learned today that explicit pictures and/or salacious descriptions of couples “shrimping” is called prawnography.
And I still say Marie is all smooth and un-orificed down there, like a Barbie doll.
Mr. Wonderful said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:50
“When a husband or wife lovingly touches one another, a hormone called oxytocin is released.”
–that’s amore.
Jim said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:51
Well Jesus! No wonder they don’t have time for sex! They keep walking into doors!
Anonymous said,
May 10, 2009 at 16:53
The relationship between oxytocin and human sexual response is unclear, like the relationship between what sulkylips is writing and human sexual response.
If you call that a relationship.
It’s more like hooking up.
Or horking.
Hooking?
Eh.
PeeJ said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:02
For reasons unfathomable, I clicked through. You’ve all got it wrong. Here’s what she actually wrote:
Aside from the clumsy, rudimentary sounding writing, she’s citing none of the compunds discussed above. Time for new theories people.
PeeJ said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:05
Also, http://www.christiansandbdsm.com/links.html
Nom de Plume said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:08
Whoa. First we have D. Aristophanes talking about ramming his cockshaft down the throat of some dude named Asness. Then there’s a picture of a hot chick who wants to take drugs and fuck Jesus, or Rush Limbaugh or something.
I haven’t been this confused about sex since puberty.
PeeJ said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:16
PENIS
And such as.
a concerned citizen said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:17
Shorter Marie Jon: Want to spice up your sex life? Have a threesome… with God!
g said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:25
Today’s women often work and are tired after a long day. When they walk into the door
I don’t know why you all are getting so hot about this. Marie Jon is clearly advocating domestic abuse here.
Hrumph.
Arky Schadenfreude said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:26
Walking into a door is how erring wives should explain the bruises they get when they dare to say no to a husband who wants sex.
g said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:26
beat you, arky.
Arky Schadenfreude said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:26
Curses, g was faster than me.
Arky Schadenfreude said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:27
Cut that out!
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:27
g by a nose!
g said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:28
No, someone upthread got it first. Jim.
Anonymous said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:32
Oxy O’Sin, the Irish love god.
Goodness only knows. It’s not really “writing” exactly, so why I’m trying to “understand” is a mystery.
The Fool said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:34
Clearly Marie doesn’t know anything about sex or she would have mentioned my patented up-on-the-backstroke technique.
I can think of 2 possible explanations for this glaring omission:
1) God doesn’t approve of women screaming his name while experiencing intense multiple orgasms (perhaps because it gives Him a Holy Hardon).
2) Marie is a naughty girl who only likes to get it backdoor in which case up-on-the-backstroke doesn’t really work.
Brian X said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:37
I can only say this:
If that’s Marie Jon’s real face, I think she and Susan Boyle should swap bodies. Wouldn’t take Ms. Boyle long to retrain, and she could get laid all she wants.
comsympinko said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:40
Oxyocin, oxytocin, oxycontin.
Not sure the first or third, y’know, that these maletypes even exist, yet alone any one might be efficacious.
Pretty sure about the middle one having some sort of effect on around bringing pregnancy to term and encouraging mother:child bonding through breastfeeding and all that shit.
Oxyocin doesn’t exist at all, least not in the redneck pharmofiles, and oxycontin is all about the fuckuppery.
Sweet, sweet fuckuppery, Anyone got some OCs????????????
Ezekiel Libido said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:42
I love the story of Ezekiel, that God commanded him to speak His Word over the dry bones, to prophesy to them, that life should enter. Ezekiel Libido
Sirius Lunacy said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:50
John Oxyocinoxytocinoxycontin. I think that was one of Chevy Chase’s aliases in the movie Fletch.
Arky Schadenfreude said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:50
Fxd.
Pfffft! Also.
tigrismus said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:50
after stimulation of the nipples
Mine enjoy logic puzzles.
El Cid said,
May 10, 2009 at 17:56
This troll guy is pretty proud of himself for finally being able to supposedly please a woman during sex. He can’t shut up about it. Someone should tell him that this isn’t really a breaking story for a lot of people.
Sirius Lunacy said,
May 10, 2009 at 18:00
I’m guessing he simply tried the technique out at home by himself one night while watching the fake orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally and then entered it in his diary as a “success”
laym said,
May 10, 2009 at 18:00
Jesus provides her hot rod?
Mysticdog said,
May 10, 2009 at 18:01
“”God created sex to bind a couple together. It is one of the most powerful emotions given to man.”
Well she certainly screwed that up. It should be: one of the most powerful emotions given to men and women.”
Nah, its mostly just an obligation for women. One that Marie is more than happy to fullfill, of course.
Newbie McNoob said,
May 10, 2009 at 18:04
kiki,
While “Not the Mind Probe” is an infamous line in classic Doctor Who, I think the more fitting phrase for the topic at hand, with bonus enhanced interrogation techniques, is from Flash Gordon (1980):
Not The Bore Worms!
EnfantTerrible said,
May 10, 2009 at 18:05
Well! That was a textbook example of how to take readers from pitching a tent to blue balls in one short opinion piece.
Newbie McNoob said,
May 10, 2009 at 18:05
FYWP:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQ5LaSPThfc
PeeJ said,
May 10, 2009 at 18:13
“I think Rush Limbaugh was the 20th highjacker – he was too strung out on oxycontin and missed his flight.” – Wanda Sykes at the WHCA dinner, Firdy night.
Bobby Burster said,
May 10, 2009 at 18:42
1.
your absence pang’d my
nether musc’lature
leaving only an
apostrophe-shap’d void
= genius.
2.
Smell my finger.
Anonymous said,
May 10, 2009 at 18:53
Marie’s turgid prose inspires turgid — I was gonna try to conclude with a rhyme (something with “clothes”? no.)
hose?
toes?
Joes!
Come on man it gotta be “hoes”. Oh an BTW I was fucked by God last night an it was GOOD
chimpevil said,
May 10, 2009 at 18:55
Marie’s turgid prose inspires turgid — I was gonna try to conclude with a rhyme (something with “clothes”? no.)
hose?
toes?
Joes!
Come on man it gotta be “hoes”. Also too I was fukked by God last night and it was GOOD
Bobby Burster said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:00
as well, also, the link to the “about us” page, which now I think of it I can reproduce here without prejudice, http://themarriagebed.com/pages/other-stuff/who/whoweare.shtml, is probably the biggest bonerkill since scrotal machine screw crucifixion. They’re so puffy, so soft, so smug. Normally I don’t go in for ad hominem attacks on a person’s appearance, on account of the veiny, five-pound cancer growing under my right ear, but these aren’t normal times.
He has the facial hair yclept ‘squirrel eater’ (or face mullet, as the kids call ‘em these days), the pallor, and the knock-kneed endomorphic build of the long-term shut-in, possibly because before he had his stomach stapled he weighed 500 pounds, to say nothing of the Radio Shack ponytail; she is similarly built for cold weather survival, with a basilisk stare and a smile that dies on its way to her nose. They’re both clad in faux ren-faire waistcoats in early 1990s upholstery fabric, with high-waisted elasticized comfort dungarees; they appear to have swapped shirts for the photographs.
Then there’s the self-description: ethnic background, British and German. So they’re pedigreed. They took care of a dying parent for 10 months, so their hearts are extra-clean and they can get away with once-a-year anal and God won’t peek. Their ministry has gone so crazy their computer isn’t in the closet any more, it’s in the “dinning” room. As for their child, I think I know who spends his time in the closet these days. I feel for the kid, so to speak. It’s gotta be awful to grow up in some remote paradise in the parched badlands of Texas, homeschooled, alone except for a bent stick and the neighbor’s chickens, with your parents in the next room murmuring about fucking in a godly and acceptable Christian manner. If he doesn’t end up with facial tattoos and a Prince Albert, I’ll eat my ACLU card.
That said, I deplore attacks on people’s appearance. It’s just wrong, and anybody that gets themselves on the Internodes knows they’re in for an awful lot of unkind ribbing. I commend them for trying. And they still make me vomit.
SoulCatcher said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:05
Obligatory when discussing God and Sex
http://www.xfamily.org/index.php/Loving_Jesus
SoulCatcher said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:07
Oh…don’t forget the Love Words to Jesus
http://www.xfamily.org/index.php/Love_words_to_Jesus
g said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:07
Hilarious, Bobby. Your writing makes me laugh out loud.
I think there’s much to speculate about here:
We have always had a great marriage, with one exception. Because of injuries and sin in both of our pasts, we came to marriage with a lot of sexual problems, and in many areas those problems were like gasoline and fire when brought together. It took us many years to get past those problems because we found very little help from Christian sources. Want marriage help? Sure, want help with sex? Forget it! We struggled through, just the two of us and God, and we made it, but it really should not have been so hard to find help.
Any ideas?
chimpevil said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:10
This page was updated on 02/7/09.
Sadly, on 2/8/09 Paul and Lori choked to death on a ham sandwich.
KAC said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:18
But Megan Fox IS backwoods methlab…
chimpevil said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:20
Obligatory when discussing God and Sex
http://www.xfamily.org/index.php/Loving_Jesus
Oh…don’t forget the Love Words to Jesus
http://www.xfamily.org/index.php/Love_words_to_Jesus
Seriously, man, this Jesus sounds like a freak. What’s his cell?
Newbie McNoob said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:21
The same ham sandwich?
Lesley said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:29
Looks like Marie has ditched the apostrophe. It is nowhere to be found. What do you think that’s about?
She could have branded her own line of naughty books and alluring Christian undergarments: Marie Jon’ Pron’.
Rusty Shackleford said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:36
That picture of the couple kissing at the bottom of Marie JonBenet’s article made me puke my fucking guts out.
Snowwy said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:37
It couldn’t have been the same sandwich. Not romantic enough.
g said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:42
That picture of the couple kissing at the bottom of Marie JonBenet’s article made me puke my fucking guts out.
Isn’t there something just wrong about illustrating an article about the benefits of godly sex between a married couple with a photo of a bride and groom passionately kissing? It’s like – how would they know, since they just got hitched and shouldn’t have done anything yet?
As a matter of fact, how would Marie Jon Apostrophe know? She isn’t married, AFAIK.
Rusty Shackleford said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:43
Isn’t there something just wrong about illustrating an article about the benefits of godly sex between a married couple with a photo of a bride and groom passionately kissing?
Ah, but they’re passionately kissing.
The Fool said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:46
Hey, someone just told me poo is not a condiment! Who knew?
Lesley said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:54
From the too creepy for words section of The Marriage Bed:
Since it’s a sex site you’d think Lori and Paul would give examples of sexual harassment, rape, inappropriate touching, even pedophilia, but nope.
After that list of useless examples unrelated to sexuality, Lori and Paul remind the flock that not submitting is dicey and they’d better be bloody sure before saying no.
gocart mozart said,
May 10, 2009 at 19:59
“As a matter of fact, how would Marie Jon Apostrophe know? She isn’t married, AFAIK.”
Well g, many wingnut religious scholars (especially teenage promise keepers) take the view that one is still a virgin so long as vaginal intercourse is not performed. In summation, “Marie, lets discuss Jesus, oxycotin and your virginity over a full body massage with happy ending.*
* not sure but I think this was a lyric in an old Kinks song.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
May 10, 2009 at 20:01
Since 1997 we have been ministering on-line in one way or another. Because the need is so great, we have seen an abundance of people looking for help, and looking for other Christians who feel sex is good and important in a godly marriage. We are truly blessed that The Marriage Bed “office” has gone from a 4-by-5 foot corner of a closet to taking over an entire dinning room,Lori and Paul and we are excited to see it becoming a full-time ministry.
============================================================
Shirley they meant dimming room. Back to the closet with them!
Snowwt said,
May 10, 2009 at 20:03
Um, where is this place with a 35mph residential speed limit? I imagine the streets are the dark brown of old dried blood, but peaceful.
Snowwy said,
May 10, 2009 at 20:06
FYWP
My nym does not have a T!
Pere Ubu said,
May 10, 2009 at 20:44
not sure but I think this was a lyric in an old Kinks song
If it wasn’t it should most retroactively become one.
tensor said,
May 10, 2009 at 21:04
…you just dropped an iceberg on my sack. Gah!
We all warned them about where their endless love of teabagging would lead, but would they listen? Sadly…
WordPress said,
May 10, 2009 at 21:19
FUCK YOU RIGHT BACK.
Grondo said,
May 10, 2009 at 21:32
So, a lot of common-sense relationship stuff, with a smear of Jeebus on top.
Plus a Norm Crosby-ism thrown in for laffs:
“Today’s women often work and are tired after a long day. When they walk into the door, they immediately begin tending to the children, cleaning, helping with schoolwork, and preparing the evening dinner.”
And taking lots of Advil – those doors HURT! That kind of pain will sure dampen the God-sex drive.
Smut Clyde said,
May 10, 2009 at 21:38
I think there’s some European companies that make stuff to bind a couple together as well
Double wet-suits.
JESUS IS MY SAFEWORD!
Smut Clyde said,
May 10, 2009 at 21:56
explicit pictures and/or salacious descriptions of couples “shrimping” is called prawnography.
Please enroll me in your Thrill Krill Cult.
“But that’s just a number I tossed off the tip of my head.”
Are you talking about those anaesthetic creams, or going all the way with the novocaine injection?
Pere Ubu said,
May 10, 2009 at 22:02
JESUS IS MY SAFEWORD!
There’s a bad choice for you, given that’s what most guys will say on being approached with oh, say, a catheter…
…I’ve said too much, haven’t I?
Smut Clyde said,
May 10, 2009 at 22:04
Curses, g was faster than me.
Surely you mean ‘quicker’. Also, thicker and slicker.
gocart mozart said,
May 10, 2009 at 22:15
“The Village Green Preservation Society” The Kinks
We are the village green preservation society
God save donald duck, vaudeville and variety
We are the desperate dan appreciation society
God save strawberry jam and all the different varieties
Preserving the old ways from being abused
Protecting the new ways for me and for you
What more can we do
We are the draught beer preservation society
God save mrs. mopp and good old mother riley
We are the custard pie appreciation consortium
God save the george cross and all those who were awarded them
We are the sherlock holmes english speaking vernacular
Help save fu manchu, moriarty and dracula
We are the office block persecution affinity
God save Marie Jon, Oxycotin and virginity *
We are the skyscraper condemnation affiliate
God save tudor houses, antique
tables and billiards
Preserving the old ways from being abused
Protecting the new ways for me and for you
What more can we do
God save the village green.
* I was close
Disingenuous straight man said,
May 10, 2009 at 22:22
OK Marie, what’s a hormone?
gocart mozart said,
May 10, 2009 at 22:31
Whore’s moan whatever you pay them to moan.
gocart mozart said,
May 10, 2009 at 22:34
You can make a hormone anything if you pay them enough.
[better version]
M. Bouffant said,
May 10, 2009 at 23:25
Blog pimp:
Loving Wife Spanking In A Christian Marriage
(One of our most popular items.)
M. Bouffant said,
May 10, 2009 at 23:30
SEX YOU ALL!!
Not exclusive to husbands & wives (who are married to each other). It works for everybody!!
Arky Schadenfreude said,
May 10, 2009 at 23:36
The well-built pizza delivery guy, the strapping man who just entered the park bathroom. Phawor!
OK, I’ve figured it out. These creeps are trying to make sex so icksome no one but fundies will want to do it.
Strange way to describe untreated STDs. Oh well.
M. Bouffant said,
May 10, 2009 at 23:51
Hey, dousing your “area” w/ gasoline is a good way to get rid of some STDs. Don’t knock it till ….
El Cid said,
May 11, 2009 at 0:26
The best reason to offer to pay a guy in a public restroom to let you suck him off isn’t so much the authority or trying to help everyone’s oxytocin / octahedron levels, it’s that there are a number of large black men there and you don’t want to be a statistic.
he flips said,
May 11, 2009 at 0:43
From El Cid’s link:
” Investigators say State Representative Bob Allen offered an undercover officer 20 dollars, if he could perform oral sex on him.”
Which of the two are the he and the him? One shouldn’t have ambiguous pronouns. I only ask because my disinterest in having a guy blow me can be pavlonianly shifted to interest if there’s a Jefferson involved. (or a bell) (or bell wrapped in a $20 bill) (or bacon-wrapped)
Arky Schadenfreude said,
May 11, 2009 at 1:20
Mr. Allen’s tragic tale was just a foreshadowing of how dangerous Barachmed Hussein Obama’s America would be for the white man.
Mark you, before BHO was even nominated, upstanding Christian Caucasian male citizens were being forced into toilets in public parks, where they then had to offer the first black man they saw cash and B.J.s just so they could make it home to their family. What next? I ask you What next?
he flips said,
May 11, 2009 at 1:30
Well, knowing that now I regret voting for Obama. I gag brushing my tongue.
he flips said,
May 11, 2009 at 2:01
While we are off topic, lemme know what’s with the public restrooms and the closeteros (closetistas? closeteers? The more I type “closet” the less correctly spelled it appears)?
I understand they have self hatred and fear of being discovered by the family, but shit can’t you find a guy to blow that has an available apartment. If I just blew a guy I’d want to raid his fridge for a beer not dust off my knees after kneeling on pee scented, fungus colonized floor tile–which always makes my kneecaps hurt for like a day and a half because it pops when I bend it too much (why I stopped using the elipticals at my gym–that and I was really just trying to look cool listening to my ipod and watch all the hot moms try to get their youth back, but they weren’t paying attention so I just started running on the soccer field because i like the way grass feels and nobody can see my “oh mah god he just had a stroke” assymetrical exhausted face I get when working out). I’d want to clean up in a private bathroom with cloth towels, not wave my sticky hands at the automated faucets (turn on you stupid faucet, I’m fucking waving).
Arguing With Signposts said,
May 11, 2009 at 3:20
Where can I get me some of this?
Dang, just by taking an online Bible study, I can haz salvashun!
comsympinko said,
May 11, 2009 at 3:45
“He has the facial hair yclept ’squirrel eater’ (or face mullet, as the kids call ‘em these days),”
I’ve said it before, and I’m certain I’ll say it again…
GO EASY ON THE FRIGGIN’ FACE MULLETS.
Some of us (bald white guys with huge heads) don’t have another option if we don’t want to look like Frosty The Friggin’ Snowman.
Friggin.’
J Johnson said,
May 11, 2009 at 3:58
Jock-man is in the house! Can’t resist me some M’ari”’e! If she’s going to rip off other people’s ideas, I hope she at least uses someone more insightful than Schlesinger.
Honus said,
May 11, 2009 at 4:08
“…my disinterest in having a guy blow me can be pavlonianly shifted to interest if there’s a Jefferson involved.”
I think you mean a Jackson. A Jefferson is a $2 bill.
he flips said,
May 11, 2009 at 4:36
Ha, ha. you’re right. But seriously, I’ll take a $2
Enraged Bull Limpet said,
May 11, 2009 at 9:00
A mysterious encrustacean appeared on the screen soon after I read this thread.
Southern Beale said,
May 12, 2009 at 2:06
I thought that was a picture of Norah Jones.
kordell said,
May 12, 2009 at 5:02
I’d hit it.
Al Swearengen said,
May 12, 2009 at 22:02
Ahh, old oxytocin.
We used to call it “Pop” on the old hog farm, because that’s what it’d do to a sow having trouble birthing.
My uncle might still have a bottle laying around if any righties want to experiment…
Buhruce said,
May 16, 2009 at 6:32
…and then there’s this:
Priest pens sex manual
Herald News Services
A celibate Polish priest has raised eyebrows with the publication of a sex manual advising couples to enjoy a “saucy and fantasy-packed” love life.
In a book which has been described in Poland as a “Catholic Kama Sutra,” Father Ksawery Knotz overturns traditional attitudes of the church toward sex. He said there was a need to address issues which the church considered taboo in the past.
“Every act — a type of caress, a sexual position — with the goal of arousal is permitted and pleases God.
======
http://www.canada.com/life/relationships/Priest+pens+manual/1596135/story.html