30
Shorter G.W. Bush Iraq National Strategy Document
“Our basic strategy to win in Iraq is to defeat the bad guys and make
everything super-great there, like we’ve been doing.”
Satire just clutched its temples and keeled over with an aneurism. Are official policy documents supposed to look like they were written by smart undergraduate business majors, with whole sections built of nested bullet points, and headings like, “Failure is Not an Option”?
Bradrocket adds: We’re doomed, people. D to the iz-oomed. Take a look at some of the bullet points from G-Dub’s Iraq National “Strategy” Document (h/t: Sadly, No!):
-Failure is not an Option:
-Iraq would become a safe haven from which terrorists could plan attacks against America, American interests abroad, and our allies.
You mean it’s not already? Try telling that to the Jordanians.
But wait! Here’s the best one:
-Middle East reformers would never again fully trust American assurances of support for democracy and human rights in the region — a historic opportunity lost.
I agree that promoting human rights in the Middle East is a historic opportunity that we can’t afford to lose. But unfortunately, we’ve already lost it:
Brad R. said,
November 30, 2005 at 17:45
Oh. My. God. Did you see Bush’s defninition of “long-term victory?”
Longer term, Iraq is peaceful, united, stable, and secure, well integrated into the international community, and a full partner in the global war on terrorism.
In other words, we’ll be out of Iraq sometime in the 23rd Century.
This fucker needs to be impeached. We can’t take another three years.
Gavin M. said,
November 30, 2005 at 17:53
I know; it’s stunning. Kevin Drum is all like, “Bush needs to set some military goals and keep the politics to a minimum.” I wonder if he’s read this thing yet.
teh l4m3 said,
November 30, 2005 at 17:54
“Well-integrated into the international community?” Meaning what, they’ll be better behaved than the U.S. under Bush?
Frankly, this reeks of frightened desperation. When they don’t even think to try and rely on 5-second soundbites, they know they’re in trouble. And this “plan” isn’t going to help any.
Heydave said,
November 30, 2005 at 17:57
page 5: “With resolve, victory will be achieved, although not by a date certain” …Is fucking Swank writing for these boobs now?
Mal de mer said,
November 30, 2005 at 17:58
Under “Failure is Not an Option:”
Iraq would become a safe haven from which terrorists could plan attacks against America, American
interests abroad, and our allies.
Allies…I’m really tired of the Republic of Palau and Eritrea getting central attention in global security concerns all the time.
Anyway, I saw bulleting and fonting and assertive use of bolding and italics replacing meaningful communication back when the first version of Harvard Graphics came out.
Sadly, No! said,
November 30, 2005 at 18:03
Slightly Longer G.W. Bush Iraq National Strategy Document
…
Gavin M. said,
November 30, 2005 at 18:07
But actually, failure isn’t an option. How about, ‘Failure is a Certainty?’
We’re tight with Pitcairn Island still, no? Or have we pissed them off as well?
sadf said,
November 30, 2005 at 18:29
as an aside….
i’d love to see someone hack one of those talking bush dolls with one of those old talking barbies that would say “math is hard”……
Mal de mer said,
November 30, 2005 at 18:49
We’re tight with Pitcairn Island still, no? Or have we pissed them off as well?
No, you’ll never lose the Pitcairnese. They’re America’s “bestest friends 4 evah!”
mr. x said,
November 30, 2005 at 20:08
If bush baby hadn’t wiped his ass on that list of our allies we might be able to get some help with those naughty tehrists in Iraq. Now he only talks to his canon fodder, er, I mean constituents.
bineshii said,
November 30, 2005 at 22:12
“The politics of failure have failed- we need to make them work again!”
Kang (or was it Kodos?)
elendil said,
November 30, 2005 at 22:26
There’s nothing quite like Microsoft Word ticks to fill me with confidence as to the competence of the author.
I was skeptical, but a tick next to a phrase that began “We expect, but cannot guarantee…” really convinced me of the uncertainty of the venture.
Shiznit said,
November 30, 2005 at 22:40
The chick in that photo looks kinda cute.
… I’m going to Hell.
Timmah420 said,
December 1, 2005 at 1:22
Why, with all those checks, it allmost seems as if that stuff is allready accomplished.
Guess we can finally declalre victory and retreat now.
mdh?tter said,
December 1, 2005 at 2:11
“Failure is Not an Option”
followed by
“The Enemy Is Diffuse and Sophisticated”
I guess it all depends on what your capitalization of is Is?
which begs, if we can’t have grown-ups, can we at least have middle-schoolers?
mdh?tter said,
December 1, 2005 at 2:26
The Security Track in Detail…………………………………………………………………18
The Economic Track in detail……………………………………………………………….22
D
d
hah!
Marq said,
December 1, 2005 at 8:09
I love how the Bushiez continue to cherry-pick the “intel.” In the speech, Bush read the “If you’re reading this, that means I’m dead”-letter of a dead soldier who was oh-so-rah-rah about the war… except… as usual, Shrub’s speechwriters left out certain inconvenient details. They truly have no shame.
celticgirl said,
December 1, 2005 at 12:07
Marq: I wondered about that…my spider sense told me there was definitely more to that story than was being presented. Leave it to the presichimp to leave out the real reason that poor kid got killed. Third tour of duty indeed *sigh*
burn everything said,
December 1, 2005 at 20:01
this paper was obviously written with special formatting for the chimp-in-chief. big paragraphs make chimp sleepy.
Timmah420 said,
December 1, 2005 at 23:05
I can just hear the yes men and sycophants that extrapolated this “plan” from one or more of Shrub’s speeches, “Ok let’s see here, turn bullet points on right away, indenting, assertive use of bolding, voila!”
Except Bush’s boys wouldn’t dare say anything as french as Viola… Maybe “Get er’ dun” or something.
Marq said,
December 2, 2005 at 1:33
As Shrub’s approval ratings plummet into the high 20’s, the RNC, in a fit of desperation, releases a campaign-style TV ad to try and bolster Chimpy’s image. For music in the ad, they choose the song from “Toy Story 2,” “Woody’s Roundup”:
[commercial fades-in with shots of the ranch in Crawford. Secret Service agents scurry about like ants]
Woody’s Roundup
Right here every day
Woody’s Roundup
come on, it’s time to play
[quick cuts of Abu Ghraib atrocities]
There’s Jessie, the yodeling cowgirl
[footage of Condi in her $3000 shoes]
(yo-de-la, you-de-la, yo-de-la)
Bullseye, he’s woody’s horse
[it's Rummy at "impromptu" press conferences at bases in Iraq and Afghanistan]
(grrr…he’s a smart one)
Pete the old prospector
[Cheney, sneering and snarling]
and Woody the man himself
of course
[Dumbya, looking clueless, natch]
It’s time for Woody’s Roundup
He’s the very best
[animated chart of rising deficit]
He’s the rootinest tootinest cowboy
[war footage, white phosphorous victims]
in the wild wild west
[back to Crawford and fade-out]
Subsequently, Preznit Sous?’s approval drops another 7 points.
dmm said,
December 2, 2005 at 3:19
Failure is not an option?
Victory is the only option?
How about “Resistance is futile” from the Borg manual of planetary defeat?
Major Woody said,
December 2, 2005 at 18:32
The chick in that photo looks kinda cute.
… I’m going to Hell.
Posted by: Shiznit | November 30, 2005 10:40 PM
That’s OK Shiznit, I’ll meet you there. I thought exactly the same thing!
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