Apr
28
28
Shorter Newt Gingrich
- Arlen Spector’s move to the Democrats, which potentially gives them a filibuster-proof majority in the United States Senate, is excellent news for Republicans.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
I’m sure the Democrats at some point in the future will mess up and get tossed out of power. The party that replaces them needs to do better than Newt on the whole “having any grasp on reality” thing that has clearly eluded him.
Dude, losing senate seats is not a victory for your party or for the conservative movement. I just don’t get how you guys think.
UPDATE: Funniest. Comment. Of. The. Day:
A Sinking Ship: “Yay! We’re rat free! We have no more rats! Not a single rat on boa…glub! Glub! Glub! sputter! Glub! Glub! gasp! Not one single ra… glub! Glub! GLUB! Gurgle… gurgle….
glub…”
[an eerie silence, as the waters close and become still]
W0rd.
PeeJ said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:27
Oooh this is going to be good. Newt and Steele are going to get into a cat fight over who was more brilliant in getting Specter to jump ship.
PeeJ said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:28
I just don’t get how you guys think.
Also, your mistake is in thinking that thinking is what’s going on.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:29
Shorter Newt:
”This was a triumph!”
Pere Ubu said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:32
Shorter Newt Gingrich
Damn, and here I was hoping there was some kind of dwarf thing going on.
Newt Gingrich said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:33
Hi, honey. Sorry to hear about your cancer, but I have some great news about our marriage!
Zandar1 said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:33
Little did you know we fitted Arlen Spector with a CORTEX BOMB! HAHAHAHAH! HE WILL EXPLODE IN YOUR CLOSED DOOR DEMOCRATS ONLY SESSION! Take that , Doomed Libtards!
Righteous Bubba said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:33
They believe in smaller government, and they’re getting smaller and smaller. WIN!
Pere Ubu said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:36
They believe in smaller government, and they’re getting smaller and smaller. WIN!
The RNC in the starring role in “Honey, I Shrunk The Country’s Tolerance for Assbaggery”
El Cid said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:36
I’m telling you — they’ve rejected science, so now they’re on the principles of homeopathy: as their concentration goes lower, they think their power grows even greater.
J— said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:38
Goodbye and good riddance, Arlen. We like our party pure as the driven snow.
Rusty Shackleford said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:39
I don’t know, this was weak stuff from Newt. Hardly worth spoofing. Seems like he just phoned it in using his automated Newtspeak generator.
Righteous Bubba said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:39
Homeopathy is a sin!
henry lewis said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:40
Voodoo economics:Lower taxes=more revenue.
Voodoo political science: Fewer members=more votes.
It’s a Republican thing.
Rightwingsnarkle said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:41
he just phoned it in using his automated Newtspeak generator.
Well, sure.
I mean, that’s what he does, right?
Homeopathic Agenda said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:42
We’ll get fewer and fewer of our operatives into your system, then we’ll take over!
tim said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:42
what an AWESOME day to be a Sadly, No! reader :)
histrogeek said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:43
All I can think is that if Olympia Snowe joins the exodus, we can toss Joe Lieberman to the curb. Come on Durbin and Reid, you know you want to. Specter (and Snow) at least can figure out which bandwagon to jump on. Joe “Consistently Wrong Since 2000″ Lieberman doesn’t even know a losing cause when he jumps to join it.
Arguing With Signposts said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:43
Good news for John McCain! What will Jon Stewart do to spoof these idiots.
Pere Ubu said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:44
Homeopathy is a sin!
Next they’ll want to get married and *BAM* there goes your Western Civilization!
Wyatt Watts III said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:44
A Sinking Ship: “Yay! We’re rat free! We have no more rats! Not a single rat on boa…glub! Glub! Glub! sputter! Glub! Glub! gasp! Not one single ra… glub! Glub! GLUB! Gurgle… gurgle….
glub…”
[an eerie silence, as the waters close and become still]
LittlePig said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:47
Dude, losing senate seats is not a victory for your party or for the conservative movement.
Sure it is! Those left are purer! blonder! more Aryan!
A Freeper commented that he was glad the party was rid of “Vichy Republican” Specter. Let’s see, if he was a Vichy Republican, then that would make the GOP…
LittlePig said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:49
[an eerie silence, as the waters close and become still]
I think “ka-flush!” is the operative sound here.
Rich H said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:49
How utterly…predictable…of Newt.
a different brad said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:52
Dear Senator Specter,
Thank you so much for your wonderful birthday gift. It was just the thing I wanted, I don’t even mind that UPS screwed up and it got here a few days late.
luv,
me
Phoenician in a time of Romans said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:52
How utterly…predictable…of Newt.
“Nancy Pelosi transcends, becomes God Almighty Herself, Ruler of Heaven and Earth. Pundits, Gingrich: this is excellent news for the Republican Party.”
Rusty Shackleford said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:57
OT: Instapundit notes Michael Caine to go Galt if taxes get any higher!
And where will Caine’s low-tax Galt’s Gulch be located? Glenn doesn’t tell us, although Caine mentions it in the original article. Curious, that.
Smut Clyde said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:57
the principles of homeopathy: as their concentration goes lower, they think their power grows even greater.
But a crucial part of the homeopathic process is the vigorous agitation, the succussion, after each dilution.
“Hahnemann had a saddle maker construct a special wooden striking board covered in leather on one side and stuffed with horsehair.”
It would not surprise me at all if there is one of these somewhere within the Republican caucus.
PeeJ said,
April 28, 2009 at 23:57
I just did something I’ve never done before. Hoping for a little schadenfreude latte, I went to fox news dot com. So there I am, thinking hmmm, that’s not so bad as I expected. Not enough schadenfreude beans but I was surprised by the relative dearth of invective on the landing page.
Then I scrolled down. They have a large, prominent “Features and Faces” section. Eight pieces. With a thumbnail for each. Its wall to wall teats. Fox – All teats, all the time.
I know, I know. I just wasn’t aware of this before.
Hef Wants Holly Back
HOLLY PICS
God-Given Bikini Bodies
JEN BIKINI PICS | AUDRINA BIKINI PICS
Who’s Skinny, Who’s Scary?
PHOTOS: Which of these Hollywood stars are painfully pin-thin, and which are just petite?
Hines Defends Plastic Surgery
Actress says if a nip and a tuck makes you feel good, ‘do it,’ with Meg Ryan standing right next to her!
Is Lingerie League a Sport?
PICS OF ‘LINGERIE’ STARS | VIDEO
Bar’s ‘Little Black Bikini’
FIRST LOOK
Smut Clyde said,
April 29, 2009 at 0:00
To rephrase the principles of homeopathy:
If you add fluids and strike it sharply 10 times against a “special wooden striking board covered in leather on one side and stuffed with horsehair”, it becomes more potent.
Works for me.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
April 29, 2009 at 0:03
the principles of homeopathy: as their concentration goes lower, they think their power grows even greater.
But a crucial part of the homeopathic process is the vigorous agitation, the succussion, after each dilution.
Seems the Republicans have developed suckussion into an art form.
PeeJ said,
April 29, 2009 at 0:04
To rephrase the principles of homeopathy:
If you add fluids and strike it sharply 10 times against a “special wooden striking board covered in leather on one side and stuffed with horsehair”, it becomes more potent.
That’s the way they do it in San Francisco!
LittlePig said,
April 29, 2009 at 0:13
Bar’s ‘Little Black Bikini’
Words cannot describe the horror of imagining Dubya’s mom in a bikini.
My beautiful mind…soiled….soiled….
MarkusR said,
April 29, 2009 at 0:21
T”his is excellent news for the Republican party” is the new meme for utter failure!
N__B said,
April 29, 2009 at 0:25
Its wall to wall teats.
God Bless America.
mingo said,
April 29, 2009 at 0:26
It would not surprise me at all if there is one of these somewhere within the Republican caucus.
haha!
I first read that as “… within the Republican anus”.
LittlePig said,
April 29, 2009 at 0:35
Tomatah, tomatah…
LittlePig said,
April 29, 2009 at 0:35
Tomatoh, toMAtoe, rather.
Question said,
April 29, 2009 at 0:53
How is this NOT good for Republicans?
One less RINO to worry about, and the loony left is already whining about how “right wing” Specter is.
El Cid said,
April 29, 2009 at 0:55
Exactly. As the numbers dwindle, the concentration of purity increases, and as the concentration increases, the power grows. Soon perchance Republicans can get their Senate numbers below 20 and the loony left will find themselves hopelessly outshone by the sheer concentrated power of the remaining small but pure numbers.
justme said,
April 29, 2009 at 0:55
As pleased as I am about Dems being in power as it relates to our chances for decent governance, this sort of thing makes it all so, so much sweeter. Their bitter tears nourish me.
Please never let it stop.
justme said,
April 29, 2009 at 0:57
Meh. I’m having a grammar-optional day.
As usual.
justme said,
April 29, 2009 at 0:58
I first read that as “… within the Republican anus”.
The difference being…?
Question said,
April 29, 2009 at 0:58
As Glenn Beck said, “He switched? I thought he was ALREADY a Democrat!”
*yawn*
Bye-bye, RINO. Take Collins and Snowe with you, and don’t let your ass hit you on the way out!
Marco said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:06
It’s awesome for Republicans if there goal was to be incapable of filling a pothole let alone elected offices across the country.
The teabaggery was a success!!!!
MzNicky said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:06
Fuck Newt Gingrich. I fucking hate that fat pumpkin-headed fucker. You’d have thought when he resigned from Congress in disgrace back in, what, 1998?, that we’d never have to see his revolting fucking face ever again. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He just won’t fuck off and leave already, will he? Who gives a flyin’ fuck what this fat fuck says or thinks about anything anyway? He’s been OUT OF OFFICE FOR 10 FUCKING YEARS. Sheesh.
Marco said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:10
I can’t believe I typed “there” instead of “their” up… there?
Ugh, long, long day please end.
John said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:11
“He’s been OUT OF OFFICE FOR 10 FUCKING YEARS. Sheesh.”
And in 2012 he may very well be our nominee.
I’d like to see President Teleprompter go up against an intellect like Newt’s.
Marco said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:19
“And in 2012 he may very well be our nominee.
I’d like to see President Teleprompter go up against an intellect like Newt’s.”
Can you promise he’ll be your nominee? Pretty please????
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:19
Uh, yeah, so would I, toilet.
Smut Clyde said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:20
Dave Noon on Gingrich’s Ph.D thesis.
Shorter version: Intellectual laziness, and the belief that a willingness to play a knowledgeable person on TV is equivalent to the same status in reality, are not merely skin-deep; they have remained constant throughout his CV.
Just Some Guy said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:21
Oooh! I know–give us Gingrich/Palin 2012! Wait–even better–Palin/Gingrich 2012!
Brian X said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:22
This Newt will never get better.
Another kiwi said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:23
An intellect like Newts
A ballet dancer like The Incredible Hulk
A fish like a bicycle
An iceberg like California
A fire-engine like a blancmange.
A dickwad like a dickwad.
MzNicky said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:23
“Teleprompter”?! Really? Jeez, that is SO last month. Besides which:
http://uk.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUKN2540350420070926?sp=true
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KogebxJkHig
Also: Newt + intellect?!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
John said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:26
I was thinking Gingrich/Cornyn.
Mr. Wonderful said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:29
Can I say a word in defense of rats? Rats SHOULD leave a sinking ship–and without censure! It’s not their fault the ship is sinking. They’re entitled to save themselves. They have no responsibility for the ship and are not to be condemned for leaving it if necessary.
The scandal is when the CREW deserts the sinking ship. Cf. Lord Jim, etc.
There. I said it and I’m glad.
Marco said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:30
How about Gingrich/ Coke II?
Huh? Huh?
tigrismus said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:30
Oooh! I know–give us Gingrich/Palin 2012! Wait–even better–Palin/Gingrich 2012!
CHENEY/Gingrich. Palin for Sec. of State.
MzNicky said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:37
Hey! Whatever happened to that Jindal guy? I thought he was the great black hope of the Reptilian party.
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,
April 29, 2009 at 1:40
Gingrich is suffering from the same delusion as all the righties. They think their sudden ascension into control of congress in 1994 was a result of revulsion against Bill Clinton’s “left-wing” policies and a seismic shift in American political philosophies.
Of course, the real reason was the outrageous gerrymandering of congressional districts to create a certain number of guaranteed minority seats, which left all these redneck rump districts for Gingrich and his ilk to sweep into power on.
Personally, I hope they never take a reality pill and continue to think that Confederate ideological purity is the road to a comeback.
g said,
April 29, 2009 at 2:03
I’d like to see President Teleprompter go up against an intellect like Newt’s.
Yes, so would I. Frankly. It’d be hilarious. I think it’s great that the finest mind you guys have to put out there is that serial adulterer corrupt has-been.
Tehanu said,
April 29, 2009 at 2:10
Shorter Newt Gingrich
I was so hoping this meant, without his head.
g said,
April 29, 2009 at 2:18
Nice link to follow about Gingrich’s academic career. If I’d have had to make it up, I couldn’t have done a better job than the reality – the guy wrote a dissertation on education policy in the Belgian Congo, without every having visited the Congo, and using only Belgian (not Congolese) source material. Plus, eight years on the faculty at West Georgia, but not on the tenure track.
Quite a pedigree.
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
April 29, 2009 at 2:19
oo, Mznicky, I LOVE ‘Reptilian Party’.
Izzat yers?
Smut Clyde said,
April 29, 2009 at 2:50
and using only Belgian (not Congolese) source material.
Worse than that, he ignored all the accounts of Belgian colonial practices written by non-Belgian Europeans, ensuring that he arrived on the academic scene as an apologist for Leopold’s private slave state.
Another kiwi said,
April 29, 2009 at 2:52
Newt probably wanted in on the action
MzNicky said,
April 29, 2009 at 4:02
zombie: Why yes. Yes, I believe it is! Feel free to use, and not sparingly.
justme said,
April 29, 2009 at 4:05
an apologist for Leopold’s private slave state.
So, change one name, and pretty much what he’s still doing.
El Cid said,
April 29, 2009 at 4:15
I read through Newt’s dissertation. It wasn’t awful. It wasn’t that insightful, but he wasn’t trying to prove any bat-shitty points, either.
Major Kong said,
April 29, 2009 at 4:29
I’d like to see President Teleprompter go up against an intellect like Newt’s.
Yep, old Newt’s an intellect all right. He cranks out bad ideas faster than a Vietnamese sweat-shop cranks out Nikes.
Bitter Scribe said,
April 29, 2009 at 5:22
I saw him speak live once. One of the weirdest motherfuckers imaginable.
Anonymous said,
April 29, 2009 at 6:44
Shorter Newt Gingrich
Would Roll
Scientists Say
Illuminati Reptilian said,
April 29, 2009 at 8:34
I thought he was the great black hope of the Reptilian party.
Hey! Don’t pin that loser on us.
"Oh Stewardess, I Speak 'Nut" said,
April 29, 2009 at 12:52
“This switch is a function of personal survival and will make clearer the profound difference between the Democratic Party of big government, big bureaucracy, high taxes and big unions and the Republican Party of lower taxes, less bureaucracy and small business, with its emphasis on the work ethic, civil society and local control back home.” — (She turned me into a) Newt! [awkward pause] (Well I got better.)
It is unfortunate that neither of our two major parties represents big business.
N__B said,
April 29, 2009 at 13:19
the guy wrote a dissertation on education policy in the Belgian Congo
Did it include the phrase “exterminate the brutes”?
AuldBlackJack said,
April 29, 2009 at 13:30
The Republicans are no longer a political party. Hell, they’re not even a religion at this point. They’re a cult like Scientology.
A crazy, dangerous and wealthy cult.
But a cult.
jurassicpork said,
April 29, 2009 at 16:22
These are my thoughts on the Democrats getting a shot in the arm from Senator Magic Bullet.
To put it succinctly, I am not impressed. With either Specter or Obama/Biden.
Tom said,
April 29, 2009 at 19:35
Can anyone figure out what the hell is going on in the GOP? Is there anyone remaining in the party who has any sense at all? Is there a single right wing radio commentator who has the balls to admit that this could be devastating to the GOP? Or are they all just insane?
MzNicky said,
April 29, 2009 at 23:02
Tom: yes; no; no; yes.
jgmurphy said,
May 4, 2009 at 4:03
The way them guys think, pal, is….get ready—–PURITY.
Arlen Specter, because of his occasionally pro-choice and pro-constitutional-democracy bleatings (mind you, mostly overridden in a sea of pro-war swill) is not a “true” conservative, according to the lexicon of the RNC. His departure will leave a smaller, yet “purer” group of conservatives—joyously, even more out of touch with the public than ever before.
So they’re adapting the “good riddance” posture. It’s bravado to mask the fact that, really, they have lost an extremely powerful senator and predictably they will now unleash a torrent of unprecedented viciousness against him—just as they have against all previous “turncoats”: such as Scott Ritter, Joe Wilson, Gen Eric Shinseki, Paul O’Neill, Richard Clarke, etc.
jgmurphy said,
May 4, 2009 at 4:05
p.s. Also I forgot to mention that he (Newtie) peeping-tommed his kids’ teenaged babysitter. Eeeeeew!