Apr
19

Well Beyond The Usual Order of Snotchos




Posted at 15:08 by HTML Mencken

Posted without comment for your Sunday morning breakfast (biscuits and gravy, no doubt) reading. Enjoy!

PLAYBOY: In Fight Club Tyler Durden pees into the soup he’s serving and farts on the food. Do you know people who have done that?

PALAHNIUK: I know people who worked at the big hotels in downtown Portland, and yeah, they would tell stories like that. There was a kid in England — a very handsome, well-presented kid — who told me, “I work in an upscale restaurant in London, and we do things to celebrities’ food all the time.” I said, “Tell me one person.” He said, “I can’t because there are only two of these restaurants, and it’d be too easy to find me.” I wasn’t going to sign his book until he told me one person. So he sheepishly goes, “Margaret Thatcher has eaten my sperm.” I started laughing. As soon as I did, he got bold. He said, “At least five times.”

99 Comments »

  1. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    April 19, 2009 at 15:09

    Happy New thread, and ewwwwwwwwwwwww!

  2. g said,

    April 19, 2009 at 15:24

    Um..er..uh…thanks.

  3. ckc (not kc) said,

    April 19, 2009 at 15:24

    …aah…special sauce!

  4. WereBear said,

    April 19, 2009 at 15:27

    I would like to think that Bush or Cheney are afraid to eat out, ever again.

  5. Caliph Garrett said,

    April 19, 2009 at 15:28

    Who wants some spankopita?

  6. papa zita said,

    April 19, 2009 at 15:35

    Maggie probably can’t eat a spermless meal now without thinking there’s something missing.

  7. Freshly Squeezed Cynic said,

    April 19, 2009 at 15:41

    I salute this waiter, jacking off for a better world.

  8. Mike said,

    April 19, 2009 at 15:42

    Maybe that’s the real reason why Chinese food is so satisfying yet leaves you feeling empty soon after. It’s not the MSG after all…

  9. Celia said,

    April 19, 2009 at 15:43

    That’ll teach her for stealing the milk.

  10. Randolph Carter said,

    April 19, 2009 at 15:53

    Well, maybe ol’ Maggie shouldn’t have ordered the “Portnoy’s Complaint” Triple Decker sandwich…

  11. litbrit said,

    April 19, 2009 at 15:55

    *channels Carrie from Sex and the City*

    Umm…cancel the rice pudding, please.

  12. GSD said,

    April 19, 2009 at 15:57

    The Protein Lady.

    -GSD

  13. Freshly Squeezed Cynic said,

    April 19, 2009 at 16:00

    The Lady’s not for swallowing.

  14. Major Kong said,

    April 19, 2009 at 16:04

    This has a little wang in it…….

  15. Oh Sure said,

    April 19, 2009 at 16:05

    That’s bullshit. Anyone whose been in the kitchen of an upscale restaurant knows how unlikely it is that someone could have a wank in your Hollandaise sause. And a busy waiter doesn’t have time to fuck with your food, though if you jerk him around enough, he may make the time.

  16. Jennifer said,

    April 19, 2009 at 16:11

    I gotta agree with Oh Sure.

    Much more likely is the scenario of a greasy-haired, pimply-faced teenager putting a fly in your Big Mac.

    Yes, McDonald’s was my first job…

  17. El Cid said,

    April 19, 2009 at 16:22

    In addition Richard Wright’s nice recollections, don’t read George Orwell’s Down and Out in Paris and London.

  18. WereBear said,

    April 19, 2009 at 16:25

    Given the conservative’s highly trumpeted penchant for bad tipping…

  19. Chris Lepore said,

    April 19, 2009 at 16:27

    Not my story to tell, but I love it, and I may never get a chance to share it online again.

    My best friend from college worked in a pizza-and-sub place with a guy going through a real messy divorce – his wife had been cheating on him with another guy. One day the other guy walks in to the place, up to the register where the husband is working, and with a big smirk on his face proceeds to order a sandwich. The guy’s giving him a real hard time (they apparently knew each other) and he’s really insistent that he wants extra cheese. So the husband takes the order and goes in the back to make the sandwich. He comes back a few minutes later and the Other Guy is all like, “Did you put the extra cheese on it?” The husband says, “Yeah. It’s got Fromunda cheese.” The Other Guy pays and leaves.

    My friend had been working there a few months, but apparently he’d never heard of Fromunda cheese. So he says, “Fromunda cheese?” And the husband’s like, “Yeah. Cheese fromunda my balls!”

    True story.

  20. Fredo said,

    April 19, 2009 at 16:55

    I was a manager at a very popular restaurant/bar in Greenville, NC and one of my fellow managers was a prick to everyone in the kitchen, trying to make them work off the clock, extra duties, cussing them out, etc. I tried warning him that there would eventually be repercussions, but he ignored me. Finally, one of the cooks pissed in the managers soup and put pubic hair on his sandwich…the cook was discovered much to everyone’s regret and fired, but the asshole manager learned that if you can’t be nice, don’t let the cooks fix your food.

    P.S. If you think it doesn’t happen in fine dinning, you’re kidding yourself, wait staff have all the time in the world to screw with food or can get a cook to do it for cash. Bottom line is be nice or don’t eat out.

  21. litbrit said,

    April 19, 2009 at 16:58

    …how unlikely it is that someone could have a wank in your Hollandaise sause. And a busy waiter doesn’t have time…

    Oh Sure, clearly you never knew [name redacted], a guy I dated–briefly!–who regarded the three nanoseconds it took to unzip as a serious and annoying roadblock thwarting the Love That Won’t Wait.

    Which it was. A nearby saucepot of Hollandaise would’ve been far less insulting a target than my poor new dress.

    Last time I ran into him, back in the 90′s, he was wearing elastic-waisted pants. No, I haven’t had that effect on other men. Some of them are just bald and heavily medicated.

  22. phleabo said,

    April 19, 2009 at 17:00

    So he sheepishly goes, “Margaret Thatcher has eaten my sperm.”

    Bullshit; Reagan’s been dead for years.

  23. litbrit said,

    April 19, 2009 at 17:20

    Hahahahaha!

    phleabo FTW.

  24. St. Jesus of Max said,

    April 19, 2009 at 17:32

    I was a manager at a very popular restaurant/bar in Greenville, NC…

    No kidding! I went to college there, for one year, way back in… um… the Dark Ages…

    But I was a poor college student who didn’t eat out much. Drank out a lot, tho’…

  25. Joe Max said,

    April 19, 2009 at 17:35

    Crap, forgot to change the nick back, after the Lady Greybeard incident…

  26. kiki said,

    April 19, 2009 at 17:42

    It’s probably an urban legend, but apparently, Death Wish director, tabloid columnist and all-round loathsome fartbag Michael Winner is so unwittingly accustomed to the taste of jizz in his soup that he once sent a bowl back that hadn’t been wanked in, complaining that it “didn’t taste right”.

  27. Andrew Sullivan said,

    April 19, 2009 at 17:43

    That’s nothing. I’ve eaten Maggie’s sperm hundreds of times.

  28. N__B said,

    April 19, 2009 at 17:57

    I went to Carvel last night and got Fudgie the Sperm Whale.

  29. joestork said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:01

    Is this incitement?

  30. Adam said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:07

    Have none of you heard of Natural Harvest? Nice one to have on the bookshelf for a dinner party.

  31. Righteous Bubba said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:16

    Oh boy. John Boner crashing and burning on This Week.

  32. N__B said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:18

    John Boner crashing and burning on This Week.

    Spouting off?

  33. Candy said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:22

    I did a considerable amount of cocktailing when I was a lass, and never ran into anyone who spat in drinks (as far as I knew), and it certainly never occurred to me to do that myself no matter how disgustingly rude my customers might be. It is true that I have a flirtatious nature, and rarely am offended unless something really crude is said, so that cut out about half of the offense factor that might have angered another waitperson. I do hate snotty people who act like you’re beneath them because you’re fetching their drinks, but the establishments in which I was employed rarely attracted that sort, save for a couple of local music critics, so there’s that.

    Anyways, much later in life a friend of mine from Seattle told me that she used to spit in customer’s drinks if they’d angered her in some way. I was freakin’ horrified! I’ve always been nice to my waitstaff in general, having been one myself, but after my friend told me about the spitting thing and then hearing about it elsewhere, I have stepped up the niceness considerably.

  34. forked tongue said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:26

    Gibby from the Butthole Surfers once touched the handle of Jimmy Carter’s suitcase with his penis. You think this kind of thing doesn’t happen???

  35. Righteous Bubba said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:30

    John Boner crashing and burning on This Week.

    Spouting off?

    Apart from other ridiculousness George was asking him about climate change stuff and he started going on about carbon dioxide being something we all breathe out and not being carcinogenic. It was some Abe Simpson-style stuff.

  36. N__B said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:36

    George was asking him about climate change stuff and he started going on about carbon dioxide being something we all breathe out and not being carcinogenic.

    Perfectly true. And the only possible response from G is to say that since feces comes from within each of us and is not a carcinogen, it’s perfectly okay to fling it at your guests.

  37. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:38

    Was Boner any particularly bright shade of fake orange tan today?

  38. PeeJ said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:38

    I spent a few years behind bars – both bar bars and restaurant bars – and never ran across such antics. Although, I worked in a gay bar where, I imagine, spooging in someone’s drink would be a compliment.

  39. PeeJ said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:40

    Not to quibble with the S,N! lords but I would have had her eating at Dominos.

  40. Uncle Ned said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:40

    I’m reminded of the most exellent French toast (“freedom toast” to you wingnuts in the audience) “re-warming” scene in the movie Road Trip.

    The moral: always be kind to your servers, and please tip well…or else!

  41. Righteous Bubba said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:42

    Was Boner any particularly bright shade of fake orange tan today?

    He was more like a wax sculpture. Now the round table’s on and Peggy Noonan is tut-tutting any investigation of torture because some things in life have to be mysterious. Not kidding.

  42. Till said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:42

    I’ve often wondered how much of [global warming denialism, opposition to universal health care, etc] is self-serving corporate whoring, and how much is just plain honest-to-goodness stupidity. Then I think, if it were the former, they could be doing it so much better. It’s a scary thought.

  43. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:48

    Then I think, if it were the former, they could be doing it so much better. It’s a scary thought.

    The thing is, Till, it’s both. It’s self-serving corporate whoring done by stupid people because they’re the only ones who will do it.

    There are smart people involved, but they don’t like to show their faces. Il Duce’s lamppost dance is not forgotten.

  44. tigrismus said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:51


    Was Boner any particularly bright shade of fake orange tan today?

    He was more like a wax sculpture.

    Obviously with the recession he’s had to resort to using orange crayons.

  45. HTML Mencken said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:53

    There was a particularly dickheaded cop in my town during my teenage years. He harassed some of the teenagers who worked at the local Pizza Hut. Stupidly, he continued to eat there.

    He.. well, he ended up eating a poop pizza.

  46. Candy said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:53

    I doubt Malkin eats out much. That’s why she has Jesse chained up at home. He either cooks or he will be cooked.

  47. Candy said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:54

    Of course, Jesse may be regularly serving up snotchos. You never know.

  48. jim said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:57

    TIP = Terrible Ingredient Prevention.

  49. DocAmazing said,

    April 19, 2009 at 18:58

    Just don’t order the glazed donut…

  50. ignatov said,

    April 19, 2009 at 19:22

    Smeggplant parmesan?

  51. PeeJ said,

    April 19, 2009 at 19:25

    Well now that someone has mentioned donuts, I mention this.

    But even with the contest’s eye-catching premise, Breedlove managed to steal much of the show from a room full of nude men stacking doughnuts on their dicks.

  52. RvB said,

    April 19, 2009 at 19:26

    Boner really did look idiotic, but he was only the warm up act for the idiocy of Dame Pegginton Noonignton III.

  53. Twinky P said,

    April 19, 2009 at 19:28

    Remember this guy?

    The man accused of sprinkling dried fecal matter over fresh baked goods at a Dallas grocery store was found guilty Wednesday.

    Poopy donuts’ll get you some hard time.

  54. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    April 19, 2009 at 19:36

    He.. well, he ended up eating a poop pizza.

    How do you hide a log on a pizza, anyway? Slice it into Pooperoni?

  55. g said,

    April 19, 2009 at 19:36

    I’ve often wondered how much of [global warming denialism, opposition to universal health care, etc] is self-serving corporate whoring, and how much is just plain honest-to-goodness stupidity.

    i think some of it is pure reflex action.

  56. g said,

    April 19, 2009 at 19:40

    I used to work with a guy, at the time quite old and grizzled-looking, but someone had seen in his locker an old photo album of him as a young man. He’d been an actor, and I think he worked in some rather specialized films – the photos weren’t just head-shots.

    Anyway, by the time I knew him he was the old guy whose job it was to keep the coffee pots brewing backstage, and clean up the coffee-break area.

    After the discovery, certain folks started complimenting his skills as a coffee-break servicer. After all, who else could carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts at the same time?

  57. kiki said,

    April 19, 2009 at 19:47

    i think some of it is pure reflux action.

    Perhaps it’s because I’m suffering from this at the moment (reflux, not right-wing idiocy), but this seems an appropriate fix.

  58. HTML Mencken said,

    April 19, 2009 at 19:49

    How do you hide a log on a pizza, anyway?

    I was told it was smeared like sauce… with the sauce, baked under the cheese.

    Couldn’t have happened to a better guy.

  59. Hysterical Woman said,

    April 19, 2009 at 19:57

    Thanks I’m never eating again.

  60. Candy said,

    April 19, 2009 at 20:15

    Amazingly, I just ate some pizza. I can’t see a cigarette butt on the ground without gagging and retching – it’s become almoost a phobia – but I can read about poopy pizza and then eat a couple slices of Tombstone. The vagaries of the human mind.

  61. Candy said,

    April 19, 2009 at 20:18

    almost, almoost, potato, potahto.

  62. N__B said,

    April 19, 2009 at 20:19

    Sarah Palin intends to hunt almoost she can find.

  63. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    April 19, 2009 at 20:21

    I can’t see a cigarette butt on the ground without gagging and retching…

    Are you an ex-smoker? I’ve been off the cigs for some months now and I’m noticing the same kind of reaction beginning to develop.

  64. Jennifer said,

    April 19, 2009 at 20:22

    This whole conversation just makes me glad that I rarely eat restaurant food – or much of any pre-prepared food for that matter. As gross as the idea of snotchos is, when you get right down to it, it’s really not much worse (if any) than the stuff we KNOW goes into processed food, like that nasty gelatin stuff they use to glue together turkey breasts for deli meat. Or MSG, high fructose corn syrup, factory-farmed meat, etc etc etc. Thanks to being turned off of all fast food and most restaraunt and processed food, I’d guess my annual pizza consumption at something like 2-3 slices 3 times per year, burger consumption at 2 or less burgers per year, etc.

    When you get right down to it, a good bit of what most of our fellow citizens eat IS shit, whether literal or metaphorical.

  65. Candy said,

    April 19, 2009 at 20:26

    Nope, smoking was one of the few vices I managed to avoid entirely. I grew up with smokers, and I’ve dated a few, but I’ve never liked smoking. I don’t like the smoke, for all the usual reasons, but for some reason I’ve always found the cigarettes themselves vaguely disgusting. The last year or so it’s gotten kind of out of control, to the point where crossing a littered parking lot to get to a restaurant can destroy my appetite. It’s a problem.

  66. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    April 19, 2009 at 20:30

    When you get right down to it, a good bit of what most of our fellow citizens eat IS shit, whether literal or metaphorical.

    You’re right, but there is definitely some sort of mystical ceremonial over-grossness associated with the concept that part of your food was extruded from someone’s nostril or bunghole.

    Poop might be healthier for you, on the whole and especially after cooking, than processed food ingredients – Lord knows my dog eats plenty of raw feces and has never shown any ill effect other than halitosis. I’m still readier to consume high-fructose corn syrup, maybe it’s just my consumerist upbringing.

  67. justme said,

    April 19, 2009 at 20:31

    A friend of mine worked in a pizza parlor, and said they made “raisin pizza” with flies all the time.

    I spent a few years waiting tables myself. I might have spit in one or two things, but I can’t say I remember doing anything worse. There were stories, though, and the occasional chuckling in the back that you knew you didn’t want to know about. Most of the pointlessly evil shit tended to be staff-on-staff grossness. I mean, really, where’s the fun if the vic never knows?

    As with most folks who have worked the industry, I still treat waiters like people and tip well, so I don’t worry too much about “unlisted ingredients”.

  68. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    April 19, 2009 at 20:36

    As with most folks who have worked the industry, I still treat waiters like people and tip well…

    Likewise. I’ve never waited tables, but I know it’s a job I wouldn’t want to have – especially if customers are being assholes. I know people who wait tables and like it, since they are, unlike me, sociable, but it can’t be an easy way to make a living.

  69. Lesley said,

    April 19, 2009 at 20:59

    When you get right down to it, a good bit of what most of our fellow citizens eat IS shit, whether literal or metaphorical.

    In the last four weeks I’ve switched to a mostly raw (organic) diet and feel so much better. I’m completely off dairy, meat, sugar and refined foods. Conditions I accepted as normal (like a constantly runny nose and mucous in the throat) have cleared up. Not to gross anyone out, but bowel movements don’t stink on a raw food diet.

    I decided to try this after watching Simply Raw: Reversing Diabetes in 30 Days.

    ————–

    Btw, Marita and Gavin, a couple of items you might want for the baby, once he/she hits 6 months or so. The
    exersaucer – a rolling amusement park – and the jumpy chair.

  70. WereBear said,

    April 19, 2009 at 21:10

    Once a server, always a good tipper. It’s part of the cost of eating out, and trying to skimp on the price structure is going to screw somebody over.

    When the one who gets shafted is the one bringing you your food… it certainly explains how wingers don’t get cause and effect.

  71. Candy said,

    April 19, 2009 at 21:20

    In the last four weeks I’ve switched to a mostly raw (organic) diet and feel so much better. I’m completely off dairy, meat, sugar and refined foods.

    fuck’s sake, I’d rather die. Really. But if it works for you, etc., etc. ;-)

  72. Freshly Squeezed Cynic said,

    April 19, 2009 at 21:33

    Of course, just because you tip doesn’t mean your waiter is getting the tip. I’ve heard stories about asshole management justifying paying less than minimum wage by making the rest up with tips.

    Some people are just shitty human beings.

  73. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    April 19, 2009 at 21:44

    Comical boner.

  74. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    April 19, 2009 at 22:08

    Comical boner.

    Was anyone actually claiming CO2 was a carcinogen before this fuckstick denied it?

  75. WereBear said,

    April 19, 2009 at 22:13

    CO2 is a carcinogen?

    We’re all doomed.

  76. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    April 19, 2009 at 22:21

    Xecky, that would be a no.

  77. Higgs Boson said,

    April 19, 2009 at 22:30

    I cannot support that behavior. But I am massless.

  78. Higgs Boson said,

    April 19, 2009 at 22:31

    Well not hypothetically. I still don’t support it, regardless of my mass.

  79. Lawnguylander said,

    April 19, 2009 at 22:38

    My shit doesn’t stink either.

  80. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    April 19, 2009 at 22:51

    It’s aboot time you started going to Mass, Higgs Boson.

    Ya filthy heathen!

  81. Higgs Boson said,

    April 19, 2009 at 22:56

    I prefer half mass.

  82. Lesley said,

    April 19, 2009 at 23:05

    fuck’s sake, I’d rather die. Really. But if it works for you, etc., etc. ;-)

    There’s a mistaken consumption that a raw food diet = salad but it’s quite diverse and tasty. Last week I ate raw pizza with walnut “cheese” and it ranked with some of the best cooked pizza I’ve ever eaten. The nuts tasted just like cheese. Bonus: no gassy side effects, no weight gain. Ditto for raw chocolate desserts which are some of the tastiest I’ve eaten.

    This raw foods chef has some tasty meal ideas. Even if you don’t go whole hog, incorporating more raw foods is good for your health.

  83. Lawnguylander said,

    April 19, 2009 at 23:05

    It’s actually the gauge bosons that are the massless communists of particle physics. Higgs boson is the God particle so I have always assumed that means that’s what those wafers are made of. Yum, yum. I am what I eat and they’re all that I eat.

  84. Lesley said,

    April 19, 2009 at 23:06

    consumption insert assumption.

    must have been hungry when I typed that.

  85. Hysterical Woman said,

    April 20, 2009 at 0:07

    Mostly it’s the story about the guy that sprinkled dried up poop on the pastries that gets to me. Okay, I stiff a server, I get snotchos – it’s karma. But suffering because I went to a store that gave the evil eye to some weirdo? Then again, how do you not notice your muffin smells like shit?

  86. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    April 20, 2009 at 0:35

    Even if you don’t go whole hog, incorporating more raw foods is good for your health.

    I’m willing to look into it, as I’m now embarking on losing some weight and generally being healthier. I’ve looked askance at the whole raw food thing so far, though, since I knew one of the early heavyweights of the Pangaia scene quite well. When I met him he was a hyperactive little Randroid weirdo, very intelligent but annoying as hell. Somewhere in the next few years he went completely nuts experimenting with LSD and non-bathing and such, and one of the things he discovered was the Anopsology/”Instincto Diet”. During that time he crashed with me for a few days and it was a real education watching him forage in suburban Salt Lake City.

    Later he developed some very serious health problems related to his diet, though he pulled through (and they were owing to some very fringey choices he made that I doubt would be a problem with the diet you’ve linked, though I’ll have to read that site and be sure). He’s doing fine these days, but his example has made me wary of raw food ideas.

  87. WereBear said,

    April 20, 2009 at 2:15

    I tried Instincto for a couple of months, and I did feel good on it. But then I wound up with some kind of detox sinus thing that I just couldn’t ride out. I thought my head was going to explode like in Scanners.

    My research indicated it was probably the low carb aspect that worked for me, and I’ve been doing that for almost five years now, been very pleased with it.

    We do eat a lot of crap in this country. Once I started cooking, the taste of real food is dramatically better.

    Fruitarians now… that’s a whole other story. The lack of protein starts up some very inflexible mindsets; the worse they feel, the more stubborn they get, and a lot of them have real difficulty pulling out of it.

  88. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    April 20, 2009 at 2:30

    We do eat a lot of crap in this country. Once I started cooking, the taste of real food is dramatically better.

    I look forward to doing my own cooking again for this very reason (along with being able to control my nutrition and stuff). I got out of the habit because, basically, I’ve been in a depressive funk for some years now. Not the kind that causes suicide or anything, but the kind that just makes it seem like too much of a hassle to clean the house or cook or anything like that. It seems to be going away, and I’m slowly improving various aspects of my life (though the house is still a shithole and is likely to be for some months, sigh.)

    Fruitarians now… that’s a whole other story. The lack of protein starts up some very inflexible mindsets…

    Interesting. I haven’t known any fruitarians, so I haven’t seen this in action. I wonder if it’s a principle related to whatever causes the mental rigidity of Cheetotarians?

  89. Smut Clyde said,

    April 20, 2009 at 2:31

    “Going whole hog”, in Lesley’s phrase, is in fact a good description of my diet.

  90. Lawnguylander said,

    April 20, 2009 at 2:46

    I’ve mostly steered clear of salad bars in Manhattan my whole life but I haven’t entered one since this story came out:

    A man the authorities suspect of intentionally contaminating food at about a dozen public buffets over recent months was arrested after spraying a foul liquid on a salad bar in Midtown, officials said yesterday.

    The man, Marco Arellano, 34, was caught Friday afternoon using two bottles to spray what the police believe to be a mixture of his own urine and feces on a salad bar at the Alpine Gourmet Farm at 480 Seventh Avenue near 36th Street, according to police officials. Sgt. Brian Burke, a police spokesman, said the police had no explanation for the spraying and that Mr. Arellano had refused to say where he lived. Mr. Arellano has been charged with reckless endangerment, criminal mischief, criminal tampering, possession of a forged instrument and public urination as a result of Friday’s incident.

    The two spray bottles were sent to the New York City Department of Health for analysis. Sergeant Burke said that in recent months, 12 other incidents had been reported in Midtown. Until now, the police had no suspects. Sergeant Burke said it was unclear whether anyone had reported becoming ill from those incidents.

    Not just urine, not just feces but a mixture. That’s the best part. The story is by Jayson Blair so of course the whole thing could be made up.

  91. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    April 20, 2009 at 2:57

    I’ve mostly steered clear of salad bars in Manhattan my whole life but I haven’t entered one since this story came out:

    Jeebus. Manhattan, and everywhere else – I’m never going near Applebee’s again!

  92. robert green said,

    April 20, 2009 at 6:45

    i did a movie called “waiting” and this was sort of the central moment of the movie, with various food-fuckings-with and the basic “don’t fuck with your server” message that i was sure was the secret to a 100 million dollar gross.
    the place we shot in metarie, LA (now since gone because of katrina) was a 30 year old houlihans. one day we were moving a banquette and his a pipe which broke open. it was from the kitchen and it was filled with a thick black coating of goopy filth. i don’t know how else to put it. 30 years of rancid oil, probably, and this was DEFINITELY the kind of place that changed that shit about once every…7 days, i’m guessing?

  93. Just Alison said,

    April 20, 2009 at 10:58

    Xeckwhatever Gilchrist, I’ve got a similar story, although my depressive funk lasted approximately 34 years, many of which were spent on icky medication. I’ve fixed it now, hopefully for good, with some crazy (and ridiculously expensive) vitamins, which have left me feeling human for the first time in said 34 years. Pity I couldn’t have done that with willpower, or maybe cheap crazy vitamins, but I’m not one to complain about the price of a murr’cle.

    But at the moment I’m coming off the happy pills, and after 2 years of gradually reducing the dose with no ill effects, I’m at the final fence, and man, is it a doozy. Going from the minimum, ‘kick the habit’ dose to one every second day, I’m getting head spins, nausea, stupidity, and this fun thing they call ‘brain shivers’, which is like electric shocks in the brain (“with a buzz you can actually HEAR!”).

    Man, it really, really, honestly, sucks the knob. I think I’d be happy to trade all that for someone just gobbing in my soup (not the shite donuts, though).

    And the icing on the cake? Well, my friend google tells me that these withdrawal effects might be PERMANENT. I’m sorry to be shouty, but the thought that some pharma fuckhead might have terminally rooted my neurochemistry makes me a little tetchy. I’d do something about it, if only I felt less monumentally shitty.

    So, that’s me – sitting around whimpering and hoping that this misery will gradually go away. The only thoughts I have about food right now are that I look forward to enjoying it again, one day in the future.

    Oh, and a footnote for Lesley re the raw food thing: some nutrients are inaccessible to our systems in their raw form, and it’s only when they’re cooked that our little digestive enzymes can latch on and have their way with them. Can’t provide evidence, as I’m firing on one cylinder at the moment. Sorry. That said, raw, particularly organic raw, is a vast improvement over much of what most of us eat, so although it’s not perfect, it’s pretty fucking good. Congrats to you.

  94. Smut Clyde said,

    April 20, 2009 at 11:33

    In my experience, Just Alison, it took a while for my synapses to get re-accustomed to functioning without tricyclics, but there came a time when I was completely potzrebie furlong pachyderm again.

  95. DAS said,

    April 20, 2009 at 13:42

    As with most folks who have worked the industry, I still treat waiters like people and tip well…

    An ex-gf of mine used to work as a waitress. When the service was good she tipped very well indeed. But when she deemed the service less than she would have given — well, if she felt the waitstaff wasn’t doing their job (to her high standards), she would be so paltry with the tips.

  96. Smut Clyde said,

    April 20, 2009 at 14:01

    “Going whole hog”, in Lesley’s phrase, is in fact a good description of my diet.
    It also turns out to be a good description of my brother’s diet — he recently e-mailed me as follows:

    I’ve completely forgotten our adventures with a pig. It started back in February, when I arrived home after work to find our kitchen table groaning under the weight of four or five boxes full of bits of the said animal (dead, let me assure you). Shoulder, chops, various unidentified bits, a liver and a whole ham. Much of it is now in the different freezers around the place, I made haste to make an enormous paté campagnarde with the liver, and the ham is now hanging solemnly in one of the cellars: should be ready by June. Unless, of course, I got the salting wrong and bits of it start turning blue and dropping off, which would be a shame – no signs of that yet, luckily.

    (followed by several more paragraphs of foodie stuff).

  97. St. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    April 20, 2009 at 18:53

    I’m at the final fence, and man, is it a doozy.

    Good luck, and I have my fingers crossed for you that the side effects go away. I’m glad to hear you’re out of the depressive part – I know for a fact that stuff sucks major ass.

  98. OneMan said,

    April 21, 2009 at 1:36

    “I’ve been off the cigs for some months now and I’m noticing the same kind of reaction beginning to develop.”

    Good for you!

    I’ve been quit since ’05. I can hardly stand to be around a smoker on the street or dead butts. I’m much more sensitive than Mrs. OneMan which is probably why she could stand to be around me when I was a smoker.

    Stick to it, the smugness reward alone is worth it.

  99. Lesley said,

    April 22, 2009 at 8:27

    Oh, and a footnote for Lesley re the raw food thing: some nutrients are inaccessible to our systems in their raw form, and it’s only when they’re cooked that our little digestive enzymes can latch on and have their way with them.

    This is true for tomatoes according to researchers from Cornell. Cooking them increases the level of the carotenoid, lycopene, but also reduces the amount of vitamin C found in the vegetable. Blending tomatoes achieves the same thing without any depletion of C, so it’s possible to get the same benefit without cooking.

    What’s important is building more raw food into our diets. Even 60 raw/40 cooked would be a radical improvement for most people. I find the more raw food I eat, the more of it I want. When I ate ice cream, potato chips, bread, crackers, cookies, and cheese, I though about and wanted these things every day. Now that I’m off them completely, I have no interest in them. I could easily reignite the interest by eating them again, but I’m avoiding doing that because these foods are high in (mostly empty) calories, addictive and therefore problematic for me. I also feel like shit after I eat them (bloated, gassy, tired).

    I find I get the most out of raw food by mixing cooked and raw together. Usually cooked food dominates a plate and I’ve turned that around by adding something cooked to a primarily raw dish. An example: add a chopped veggie or turkey burger, or fish, to a diverse salad that has avocado, olives, parsley, cilantro, red/orange/yellow peppers, cabbage, romaine, tomatoes, cuke, celery, peas, sliced tomatoes, etc. Smother it in your favourite dressing using healthy oils, garlic, ginger…and you’ve got a satisfying meal. Hemp oil has a rich nutty taste. It’s my favourite.

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