17
Welp, Might As Well Get This Out Of The Way
Should I finish this one first, or the Malkin or the Boston one? I’ll do this one. No, the Malkin one.
Shorter Michelle Malkin:
- Demented villains are hallucinating that I stole a cookie from the cookie jar, but as you can see, I did not “sneal” a “cool key” from it [points to coffee pot].
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
1 – Cf. Jane’s carefully researched and honest timeline of the same course of events, which is especially welcome to us because it shows that other people can see the weird happenings that we’ve been seeing.
2 – Of special interest to those fascinated by wingnuts in the way that we are: as children are fascinated by sharks and dinosaurs, or no, more like weird bioluminescent deep-sea fish and those feathered birdosaur things that they find in Liaoning — or maybe the analogy never had as much potential as I imagined — is the expertly bare-assed way Malkin fakes out her readers, who apparently don’t care and keep believing her as though to teach people like us a lesson. A lesson in what, it isn’t clear.
One example among the nested layers of total lyingness and linking-as-concealment that makes her Tea Party timeline stink like a ripe owl in the chimney is this one:
Word of the Seattle protest spread across the blogosphere. Readers suggested there should be a Denver protest on Feb. 17 to greet President Obama for the porkulus signing. Separately, the local chapter of Americans for Prosperity was already working to put something together on the fly. I met the head of the state AFP for the first time on the steps of the Capitol. No conspiracy here, tinfoil hatters. It was a union of like minds in an impromptu show of outrage against the legislation-without-deliberation process in Washington.
More big-money conspiracy! I promised to bring a roasted pig. Paid for out of pocket. No corporate lobbyist pitched in. Tasted great and worth every penny:
Basically, then, after the February 16 Seattle protest, readers suggested a Denver protest to take place on the 17th that was identical to one already being held by a notorious corporate-funded astroturf foundation. And fine, okay. Because who among us hasn’t made dinner reservations as much as a day in advance only to hear that a corporate-funded astroturf foundation was planning to go and order exactly the same dinner, causing us to become merged with them through no specific process or volition?
Because no, let’s back up here: Is it actually possible to be like, “Oh, I promise to bring a roast pig tomorrow,” and to dial a number and be like, “Hi, roast me up a whole pig, please, and do you deliver, or should I bolt the ol’ pig winch onto the pickup comme il faut?” I mean fine, okay, who among us hasn’t needed a sheep on deadline and called Foosh! It’s Mutton or Baa Baa Boom or another such retail concern to have the animal shaved, dipped in perhaps vinegar or tamari, and flamethrowered.
But rush a pig and forget about getting the full flavor out of it. You’ll end up tarting it up with sauce, is what will happen.
No, it seems things were already set up before the Seattle protest, including separate arrangements for pig and Malkin, and darned if we haven’t stumbled upon one of those nests of foundations, usual suspects, and activist Ning sites that is to Republican shenanigans as Mycobacterium leprae is to noselessness. Also, invitation only? Also, Bob Beauprez, Tom Tancredo, and other name-brand Republicans? Duh?
But the main thing is the way this whole narrative is constructed to make it seem as though Malkin had had a single innocent brush with Americans For Prosperity, and met one of their guys at the event — and “no conspiracy here, tinfoil hatters,” and something-something impromptu, and look at how the crazed liberals are twisting reality. Because as we saw awhile back, what she actually means is just that she met Jim Pfaff, the recently hired Colorado State Director of AFP, for the first time that day. Not said — and we’ve noted this once before — is that before that meeting, she was in with some foundation called Americans For Prosperity.
That conference, you know, was reputed to be the big skill-training digerati event that would bring the conservatives to a tipping point of 360-degree-integrated Internet activism, with recombinant, light-speed ganging up on liberals and endless, disposable Ning sites that would, um, enhance the social networking with the New Media and the Old Media, and how the one is actually alike and yet also different from the other — and also, wait, how there are two basic kinds of media: New, and Old, and you want to go with New while at the same time there is also still Old, and here’s something that you maybe haven’t considered: What about using the skills you use in the online world when you’re actually not online but in the offline world, huh? What about that? Because what about using your New Media skills to critique the Old Media — or even the other way around!?
But I run on. The conference began with an event called, “Winning in a Web 2.0 World,” which, look, Web 2.0? Why not just be like, “Cyberspace: Log On and Surf the Web?” or “You’ve Got Mail: Thinking Out Of the ‘Inbox?’” Why not just call it “OH MY GOD, WE SUPER-SUCK AND WILL NOW CRY AS YOU SCALD US WITH BOILING CAT PEE?” I mean, if you wingnut tech gurus were to do that, we’d at least be puzzled. It would at least slow us down a bit as we wondered what you were up to. “THIS IS OUR LAST REQUEST BEFORE WE DIE FROM SUCKING: PLEASE DON’T HIT US WITH OW! OW! STOP! OW! OW! COUGHSPLAT WOO! GHOST! MUST HAUNT THIS PLACE UNTIL OW! OW! DAMMIT! OW! HOW ARE YOU EVEN DOING THAT? OW!” I mean damn, I’d pay money to attend that event. You could have GOP cyberwhiz Eric Odom giving that presentation, and I wouldn’t imagine a giant penis crashing through the wall and whapping him over and over on the head, whapping and whapping up and down with a sound like bare feet on a hardwood floor, like when you start to imagine something and can’t stop, and it speeds up to a whappita-whappita and Odom looks uncomfortable but resigned, and pulls out of his pocket a bendy disc-shaped thing that looks like rubber jar opener.
“It’s my new idea,” he says, “Would you like to buy one?” You reply, “Is that a thing you’re calling a Tuit, so that when a person doesn’t finish things, a friend or family member can buy him one and he’ll say, ‘What’s this?’ and they’ll say, ‘Oh, it’s a Tuit. I made sure not to get you the square or triangular kind. You need this, believe me.’ And he’ll be like, ‘So this is a what, a Circle Tuit?’ and the dialogue will go back and forth like that until he realizes that the reason he didn’t complete tasks effectively was that he just needed to get a Round Tuit, and now he has one. Is that what that is, the thing you’re selling?” And Odom says, “I’m calling it a Cluebub. I can totally sell these.” And you watch the whapping for a few strokes and reach into your jacket pocket, pulling out the piece of spare fabric that came with the jacket. “I only have a few of these left,” you say. “The demand for Brainmorans these days is just, wow.” “Just a few, huh?” he says, squinting. “I’ll trade you for my last few Jobubums.”
Where were we? Oh yeah, Malkin. Now, if we remember this conference so vividly without even having been there, you’d think Michelle would somewhat remember it. But fine, okay, who among us hasn’t accepted a high-status celebrity engagement at a convention sponsored by corporate-funded right wing foundations, for a fee presumably greater than the roughly $10,000 that each of us usually charges for a speaking gig, and then later gone about our business all like doop-de-doo, when some maniacal evildoer crashes out of the bushes and gibbers, “Hey wait, what’s this with the foundation gig?” making us not only refuse to dignify the insult by mentioning any such thing, but explain patiently that any who believe such a deranged conspiracy fantasy are psychotic Morlocks zonked out of their pumpkins on hate and viciousness, who will stop at nothing to smear their farcical and rage-drenched lies on the face of this little thing that some like to call ‘reality.’ At which point they’re like, “WTF, here’s a picture of you doing that exact thing that you’re…” And you go, “Oh wow, get a load of what the glue-huffing Kook Bund has vomited from their hateful, tinfoil-wrapped lie organs this time! All I do is speak to fellow conservatives, and their frantically spinning masters hand down a dictum to blast feces in the face of reality by accusing me of heading an all-powerful cabal that controls every single last thing that their stinky poop breath has ever wafted upon in this world, I suppose from atop my pile of gold, acquired no doubt by Israel, which, by the way, I control via tinfoil satellite.
And then they’re all, “But the…? Oooh!” And you’re, “Moving right along, the complete grass-rootsness of this unplanned thing that no utterly hallucinated right-wing so-called ‘foundation’ has ever allegedly ‘assisted’ shows the volcanic, screaming hatred of the syphilitic-brained wacko brigade.” And so here we are, and isn’t that just what we’ve been talking about this whole time?
commie atheist said,
April 17, 2009 at 10:40
You could have GOP cyberwhiz Eric Odom giving that presentation, and I wouldn’t imagine a giant penis crashing through the wall and whapping him over and over on the head, whapping and whapping up and down with a sound like bare feet on a hardwood floor
I didn’t realize that Jeff Goldstein was involved in this too.
Another Kiwi said,
April 17, 2009 at 11:03
Simply stunning, Gavin.
M. Bouffant said,
April 17, 2009 at 11:09
“But I run on.”
Like few others. And I mean that in a good way.
Lesley said,
April 17, 2009 at 11:43
A Tax Day Tea Party cheat sheet
cheat sheet
n.
1. A document, especially a sheet of paper, containing information, such as test answers, used for cheating.
cheating
–verb (used with object)
1. to defraud; swindle: He cheated her out of her inheritance.
2. to deceive; influence by fraud: He cheated us into believing
him a hero.the teabagging protests were organized on the flym1k3y said,
April 17, 2009 at 12:16
Well, y’know, I can understand their outrage. I mean, it seems perfectly reasonable to me that huge numbers of regular Joes and Josephines would rise up out of the roots under the grass and shrubs and hedges and run out of doors with hastily painted signs to shout their righteous indignation to the highest heavens in protests to resist the…Uh…THING, all that MONEY stuff that rotten bastard Obama’s trying to use to make American’s lives better! When there are still living Muslims, for fucks sake!
mikey
kiki said,
April 17, 2009 at 12:18
Is the roasted pig sort of a HAR HAR TAKE THAT MOO-SLIMES thing? In fact, is the whole ‘porkulus’ bollocks sort of a HAR HAR TAKE THAT BARRY HUSSEIN SECRET MOO-SLIME thing? Unconsciously, or less so?
Johnny Pez said,
April 17, 2009 at 12:34
I think not, kiki. That would require a certain amount of cleverness, linking “pork” and “Muslim” and deliberately invoking the concept of “pork” as a Slap In The Face(TM) to our Secret Muslim President.
Also, the fact that no wingnut has actually gone BLAR HAR HAR PORK MUSLIM GET IT? is pretty solid evidence that it wasn’t deliberate, and that the connection has never even crossed their minds. Subtle they ain’t.
generic wingnut troll said,
April 17, 2009 at 12:37
porkulus bad spending bad taxes bad Obama socialist ACORN Soros bad bad bad bad bad
Malaclypse said,
April 17, 2009 at 12:46
Actually, I’m all for the protests. Not only did they only get about 5% of the turnout of the anti-Iraq war protests of 2003, but it seems clear that most of them were there to protest a n****r being in the White House, judging from a large portion of the signs.
Dear Republicans: please, please keep spending money advertising the fact that all you have left is racism.
ACORN said,
April 17, 2009 at 13:06
We were going to infiltrate the protests with provocateurs acting like ignorant racist douchebags, but someone seemed to have gotten there first.
Anonymous said,
April 17, 2009 at 13:11
I mean fine, okay, who among us hasn’t needed a sheep on deadline and called Foosh! It’s Mutton or Baa Baa Boom or another such retail concern to have the animal shaved
I trust this was not intended on a GRATUITOUS
This slur on
Smut Clyde said,
April 17, 2009 at 13:15
I mean fine, okay, who among us hasn’t needed a sheep on deadline and called Foosh! It’s Mutton or Baa Baa Boom or another such retail concern to have the animal shaved
I trust this was not intended as a GRATUITOUS SLUR upon Antipodeans and our UNDESERVED REPUTATION for bestiality. Shame on you. Shame.
Anyway, the Australians are worse.
Dr Zen said,
April 17, 2009 at 13:17
Virtuoso stuff. The Odom headthwap was worth the price of admittance on its own.
OneMadClown said,
April 17, 2009 at 13:20
Christ on a cracker, would you look at that. Hulkin’ Malkin has breached the Follicular Rage Barrier…she’s so pissed off she turned blonde…
Hubert Davis said,
April 17, 2009 at 13:38
WTF, a huge plug for both Foosh It’s Mutton and Baa Baa Boom? Not one mention of Lamb Basted? Interesting…
OTB said,
April 17, 2009 at 13:47
“foundations, usual suspects, and activist Ning sites that is to Republican shenanigans as Mycobacterium leprae is to noselessness.”
Sigh…you complete me, Gavin.
Arky said,
April 17, 2009 at 13:53
Shorter Malkin: Bu-but, GEORGE SOROS WASN’T KILLED BY NAZIS!
OK, fine. You know what? It doesn’t matter if this is a spontaneous grassroots totally organic (but not in a hippy granola tree hugger sort of way, yuck) movement.
They. Still. Suck.
How bad do they suck? They couldn’t even find someone in all of Washington, D.C. to properly organize a teabagging in front of the White House.
If they are being funded by teabagging Kochs, that’s just icing on the cake. It means they aren’t going anywhere anytime soon and they’ll try to keep their totally organic not funded by plutocrats movement going. (When have those assholes ever known when to give it a rest for five seconds?) That means more events. More airtime, and (most importantly) more time for people with some semblance of a life to get bored with it leaving behind the crystallized core of crazy. Or should I say, Krystallized Kore of Krazy?
Then I can look forward to Ms. Malkin explaining why her totally organic movement is full of militia men, guys in fancy robes and blokes with very short hair covered in broken cross tattoos.
Popcorn?
Apsaras said,
April 17, 2009 at 14:06
Gavin has gone and used up the footnote quota for the entire nation. NICE GOING MAN now there will be no footnotes left for the rest of us.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
April 17, 2009 at 14:21
I never get a round Tuit!
MS said,
April 17, 2009 at 14:21
The whole “tea party” movement is about as spontaneous and grassroots-y as a Superbowl halftime show.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
April 17, 2009 at 14:27
Well that was a tour de force, an epic smackdown, a hilarious read. All the elements one might want:
- offhandedly brushing aside Malkin’s complete fabrications and using documented and hyperlinked evidence of falsehoods as throwaway arguments;
- the FDL c.f. with this irrefutable Shorter Malkin
- Whole Roast Pig, and apparently Malkin brought some food to that rally too;
- a giant penis.
I guess there’s still humor to be wrung out of this farcical “grass-roots protest group” that doesn’t involve just going “Teabagging! Heh, heh.”
Although, please allow me to add:
Teabagging! Heh, heh.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
April 17, 2009 at 14:52
By far my favorite posterboard of the day read: “I shaved my balls for this?”
.
Some Guy said,
April 17, 2009 at 15:04
“It was a union of like minds in an impromptu show of outrage”
I do not think that work means what you think it means.
When the largest news network in the nation (sigh) books the Alamo to host your event? You’re not “spontaneous”.
J— said,
April 17, 2009 at 15:22
Good stuff, Gavin. Pardon my being a mierenneuker, but is this:
missing a word or a letter?
New day, new angle on the Silent Majority’s sufferation.
It’s hard to beat that.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
April 17, 2009 at 15:24
OT/ but what the fuck is it with “insects”? I can’t believe that anyone who managed to read any part of the Bybee memo is getting worked up over “insects”.
Is it intentionally using a persons phobias in order to “break” them? Absolutely – you can’t have effective
tortureenhanced interrogation without tailoring your sadism to the detainee. Everybody already knows that it’s an intimate relationship that is shared by thetorturerinterrogator and thetorturedinterogatee.But holy figgety fuck. Let me cite again the bit that fucking creeped the ever-loving fuck out of me:
IOW, just in case waterboarding sessions that “likely…would not last more than 20 minutes in any one application” – we need the flexibility to do… I don’t think I want to know.
Major Kong said,
April 17, 2009 at 15:33
Is it intentionally using a persons phobias in order to “break” them?
Did they do that in Room 101?
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
April 17, 2009 at 15:33
I kinda messed up the blockquote. I suspect you can read in the words I freaked out too much to type.
Look, what-the-fuck-ever issue you have with creepy-crawlies – I don’t care. But if you’re going to go on about “insects” – please point out that they had another level past that, where they would drown you for half a minute at a time – let you catch your breath – and then do it again for twenty minute long sessions. NOTE: Sessions is PLURAL. NOTE: These sadistic fuckers thought that they’d need leeway to possibly do some vague unspecified shit WORSE THAN THAT.
J— said,
April 17, 2009 at 15:43
in the way that we are: as children are fascinated by
Triops!
The irrelevant Hawks/Heat game Tuesday night, in which the starters hardly played, and Dwayne Wade didn't even dress said,
April 17, 2009 at 16:06
I outdrew the Tea Party in Atlanta.
The Kenosha Kid said,
April 17, 2009 at 16:10
Gavin has gone and used up the footnote quota for the entire nation. NICE GOING MAN now there will be no footnotes left for the rest of us.
Don’t worry, David Foster Wallace’s death has freed up a ten year supply.
g said,
April 17, 2009 at 16:13
Wow, I am a little surprised as the hypocrisy of Malkin’s disingenuousness.
If a left wing protest-organizer got media support and visibility like that (geez, their budget line for step-and-repeat backdrops is huge!) we’d be proud of it, and count it as an achievement.
It’s like they’re simultaneously trying to argue multiple contradictory things:
A) most Americans think the way we do and our numbers were huge!
B) all the bad behavior you saw was from ACORN imposters, who descended enmasse to disrupt us
A) Powerful and important people support us and we represent a powerful movement
B) oh (modestly scuffling her toe in the dust) it was just a couple of guys getting an idea
A) It was about bigger issues than liberal vs. conservatives, the participants represent a wide spectrum of politics
B) Criticism of the Tea Parties just proves the point that Liberals hate Us Conservatives
JM said,
April 17, 2009 at 16:22
Their little sugar-daddies told them to go protest their own tax cut, and they obeyed. That’s what the right looks like when it operates outside the halls of government, like a hermit crab yanked out of its shell.
kiki said,
April 17, 2009 at 16:29
Well, g, it’s shifting the topic slightly, but to fazizzle one of your examples:
B) Criticism of
the Tea Partiesguys who murder many people by blowing up federal buildings, or who put bombs in churches full of black people, or who shoot several random policemen to death for no reason, just proves the point that Liberals hate Us Conservatives.I wish this was hyperbole, but apparently, from their own mouths, it’s not.
g said,
April 17, 2009 at 16:35
Kiki, maybe I should refine it a bit. How about:
A) The Tea Parties represent normal people, people who haven’t even been involved in politics before, just regular American citizens who’ve finally had enough
B) Criticism of guys who murder many people by blowing up federal buildings, or who put bombs in churches full of black people, or who shoot several random policemen to death for no reason is an example of government oppressing dissent and liberals targeting the Conservative Tea Party movement
kiki said,
April 17, 2009 at 16:36
I personally like the new ‘spending’ angle that they’ve had to resort to. It’s like:
“Don’t tax me, O’Blackula! YOU’LL NEVER TAKE MY MONEY!”
“What’s that…? You say I’ll be taxed LESS?”
“In that case: OK, You can take my money, but don’t you dare SPEND it on anything!”
kiki said,
April 17, 2009 at 16:40
A) The Tea Parties represent normal people, people who haven’t even been involved in politics before, just regular American citizens who’ve finally had enough, but also mighty captains of industry and media and giants like Hannity and O’Reilly and not like you fucking liberal losers who are just normal people and aren’t mighty captains of industry and media!
I’m not having a pop at you, g; it’s just that you seem to be trying to summarize their position in a way that actually makes sense, which of course is folly…
TritoneSub said,
April 17, 2009 at 16:57
What I meant to say about the roasted pig is Masarap, pero sunog or “Delicious but overcooked” but instead of sunog I said supot which means “uncircumcised”. Guy looked at me and asked “How can you tell?”
–True story. It happened to me in Olongapo PI. I’m looking forward to telling that one to Alex on Jeopardy someday.
shaun said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:09
OT/ but what the fuck is it with “insects”? I can’t believe that anyone who managed to read any part of the Bybee memo is getting worked up over “insects”.
The guy had a phobia about insects and they were going to lock him in a “coffin” with some sort of crawling or buzzing insect. Oh, and then they were going to lead him to believe that this was a stinging insect that could potentially kill him.
That’s some pretty fucked up shit – that sounds like something a young G.W. Bush might have thought up.
Depending on the level of his phobia, he might have picked the waterboarding given the choice.
chocolatepie said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:11
I say we enforce a tax on cognitive dissonance. We will all be required to wander around with electrodes on our brains for an hour a day, and pay a dollar amount proportional to how wildly that little wee-ooh thingy swings when it’s recording our results.
The budget crisis will be over in three days and we’ll all get Ferraris!
Candy said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:12
Gavin, another brilliant and hilarious piece. Nobody can handle the wingnuts better than you do.
Wow, I am a little surprised as the hypocrisy of Malkin’s disingenuousness.
I always consider Malkin’s supply of disingenuousness, poutrage, hypocrisy, and just plain ol’ garden variety meanness to be infinite. Of all the wingnuts in all of wingnuttia, more than any other individual wingnut she makes me ask the question: What the hell makes you what you are? Why are you like that? It must be fucking horrible to live in her skin. I imagine she sees the world through a red haze.
henry lewis said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:12
Good one, Gavin.
I just finished making an appointment with the optometrist so I can order up some dedicated footnote-ready glasses.
Proteus454 said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:18
…she’s so pissed off she turned blonde…
I…I WANT to make the obvious (to me) joke, but do I WANT to out myself as a total fanboy? Well, it’s not like I had any dignity to begin with…
Ahistoricality said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:19
Nicely done.
I’m so using the “footnotes not actually in text” thing in my next academic writing.
g said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:22
A) The Tea Parties represent normal people, people who haven’t even been involved in politics before, just regular American citizens who’ve finally had enough, but also mighty captains of industry and media and giants like Hannity and O’Reilly and not like you fucking liberal losers who are just normal people and aren’t mighty captains of industry and media!
I’m not having a pop at you, g; it’s just that you seem to be trying to summarize their position in a way that actually makes sense, which of course is folly…
Oh, no, go for it kiki. It’s so difficult summarizing positions based on insanity that I need all the help I can get.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:24
he might have picked the waterboarding given the choice
Let me run this by again. Twenty minute long sessions of “simulated” drowning. To be used possibly in conjunction with sleep-deprivation, reduced calorie diets, being recently moved from a stress position, etc.
They convince you that they are killing you – say a dozen times in a row.
It doesn’t matter how bad your existing phobias are, your new number one fear will be the waterboard. And not only are you susceptible to repeated “sessions”, but those “sessions” are “not necessarily ending with that technique.”
Buskertype said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:26
I left a fairly tame comment on Don Surber’s blog last night, and this morning I’m deleted and banned. Impressive. If anybody’s got a hankerin’ for a banning I suggest you go play with lil’ Donny some.
g said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:26
Actually, this tendency of the right to steadfastly support two completely contradictory ideas without even a descent interval between utterances really came to the fore with the McCain campaign. I’d have to go back to my notes, but IIRC as a matter of routine his campaign would come out with a statement on the website in the morning, McCain would speak on the campaign trail two hours later and totally contradict his own campaign, and then wrap it up by the end of the news cycle by re-asserting that which he had denied earlier in the day.
g said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:29
Dragon King, you’re possibly discounting the aggregate effect of torture. Having all that shit done to you at random intervals would heighten the fear of any phobia a person might have. You wouldn’t have the luxury of saying, “Phew, at least it’s not the waterboard,” because you’d wonder how much worse they could make next thing be.
Legalize said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:31
“Don’t worry, David Foster Wallace’s death has freed up a ten year supply.”
Surely you Jest. Infinitely.
henry lewis said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:33
Is it possible this is all a super-ultra-subtle fakeout on the part of the thinktankers and foundationeers? Order up some obviously-but-badly-planned gatherings of pastel-clad racists targetting their unfocused rage at nothing, really, knowing that these clambakes will be bristling with stupid, offensive, yet ineffective, and therefore subject to ridicule?
Then when Obama starts pissing off non-wingnuts, whether over letting swindling bankers (or is it banksters?) continue to prosper or allowing torturers to walk, we’ll be all, “no way I’m going to stand out in the rain and be associated with those morans.”
Or is that too deep, even for evil billionaires?
Brandi said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:40
Hulkin’ Malkin has breached the Follicular Rage Barrier…she’s so pissed off she turned blonde…
Oh fuck, she’s going Super Saiyan.
kiki said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:47
Yeah, but David Banner only hulks out when somebody attacks him, and he gets bigger, whereas Michelle only seems to get more emaciated.
Michelle am Bizarro Hulk.
Lawnguylander said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:51
I’ve commented at the SurbHuman’s blog and he’s never deleted my comments or banned me but he does delete the link to my thumb puppet representation of him that I always put in the url box so I guess he knows who it’s meant to be.
BTW, I’m making up some plans for how to proceed when Texas secedes and I could use some help. The border fence we’re going to have to build around it, how far apart should the machine gun turrets be? Should we deport their expats already living in the 49 states or should we put them in camps?
Pere Ubu said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:51
Hey, folks. Been away a while, and can you exactly blame me?
I think I’m much happier living outside the Real World, quite frankly. Our house is teetering on the edge of forclosure, our oldest cat (the Grande Dame, 15 or so) is evidently dying, and my GlennBlecch listening boss (who, on top of everything, is trying to convert me to Christianity) walks up to me yesterday and starts a conversation off with “You ever see a film called ‘Loose Change’…?”
Whee, get me a shovel so I can dig a hole and hide in it.
Doctor Missus Marita said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:51
This is completely off topic, but I found some concentrated duh that I feel the need to share with others. It’s in the last few grafs here.
Am I really that old that I’m turning into one of those “young people today don’t know anything” sorts, or is that really egregiously clueless?
Doctor Missus Marita said,
April 17, 2009 at 17:54
BTW, I’m making up some plans for how to proceed when Texas secedes and I could use some help. The border fence we’re going to have to build around it, how far apart should the machine gun turrets be? Should we deport their expats already living in the 49 states or should we put them in camps?
I would propose a citizenship test allowing Texas expats to retain their US citizenship (or perhaps permanent resident status), and base the test solely on knowledge of the writings of Molly Ivins. The failures get deported.
[hugs to Pere Ubu, btw. Hang in there.]
jim said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:01
Needs more notes.
The real injustice here is that Malkin is almost as hilarious on her blog as Gavin is here – & she’s not even TRYING! “I have nothing to do with that astroturfing outfit that paid me to speak to them” is about as smart a line as “Hey, guys, watch this!”
Obviously she was at the front of the line when they handed out chutzpah, so she felt no need to even show up when they began handing out brain-cells.
But little Johnny Wet-Start made up for it all with those three magical words:
“My fellow prisoners …”
henry lewis said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:03
It’s in the last few grafs here.
When I first opened that page, I thought the cameras were meant to nab off-leash dogwalkers.
I wasn’t around in 1984
Kafka? No, thanks, I’m a tea drinker.
Ken Lowery said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:09
Am I really that old that I’m turning into one of those “young people today don’t know anything” sorts, or is that really egregiously clueless?
RANDOM PERSON IS AN IDIOT, FILM AT ELEVEN
J— said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:14
It’s good to see your handle again, Pere Ubu, and I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I hope things improve soon.
tigrismus said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:14
tendency of the right to steadfastly support two completely contradictory ideas without even a descent interval between utterances
Hee hee, and Malkin did it again just a few days ago with the “the lefties are tinfoil-hatted nuts for calling the tea-parties astroturf, oh and those guys are all Soros-funded ACORN astroturfers.”
kiki said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:16
my GlennBlecch listening boss (who, on top of everything, is trying to convert me to Christianity) walks up to me yesterday and starts a conversation off with “You ever see a film called ‘Loose Change’…?
Of course, during the Bush administration, Loose Change was a film about the Bush administration, and consequently I imagine your boss thought it was a load of tinfoil-hatted nutbaggery. Now that Obama has been elected, the film has magically reverse-time-morphed into an entirely accurate and thought-provoking documentary that is somehow about the Obama administration.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:18
…because you’d wonder how much worse they could make next thing be.
I’m quite certain that I’m discounting all sorts of things. Aggregate effects, the hoplessness that sets in after the fifth year of detention, the complete insanity of it all. It’s the type of thing that I am positive I could not comprehend.
Yup, you’ll get no argument from mr that the treatment the detainees are getting is worse even than I can imagine.
kenga said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:19
Brandi makes a good point. Nothing says pissed off like Dragonball hair.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:22
BTW, I’m making up some plans for how to proceed when Texas secedes and I could use some help.
Don’t forget to run the ends of your border fence out into the water a bit, or they’ll just step around the ends. Remember the Maginot line!
If they have boats, this could get complicated.
TANG doesn’t worry me much.
[hugs to Pere Ubu, btw. Hang in there.]
Likewise.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:33
To be fair to Engelking, she wasn’t around in 1984. Also, we don’t know her cultural background either. She works on the “nearby Umatilla Indian Reservation” so perhaps her cultural touchstones are more Takhstspul than Winston Smith.
Then again, she could be a total twit.
Anyways, despite my deep-seated mistrust of The Man and all that – I do sympathize with 22 year old women who would prefer a bit more police surveillance when out jogging.
Pere Ubu said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:38
I imagine your boss thought it was a load of tinfoil-hatted nutbaggery
Unfortunately not – he’s a Bircher (as if it needed to get even better) and didn’t like Bush either.
Small bright spot – those Christians who were planning on taking over South Carolina have evidently decided the entire U.S. is a lost cause and are now planning their theocratic fundie empire for Panama. Haven’t we done enough to those poor people as it is?
Thanks for the words of support, folks. You’re the best.
Tommykey said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:40
I get the blonde wig now! She’s physically turning into Ann Coulter. What’s next, the Adam’s Apple?
PeeJ said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:40
Don’t you all realize the teabagger events arose from spontaneous generation? Just as maggots are formed from rotting meat, and rats arise from sewage and garbage, so too the parties. It’s perfectly obvious.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:45
It’s perfectly obvious.
It this the Phlogiston Theorem of Political Dissent? Interesting fact, phlogiston is a portmanteau of the various components of the theorem. There’s pH, log(i) and “ston” for stoned on some primo weed.
Ken Lowery said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:45
Don’t you all realize the teabagger events arose from spontaneous generation?
Heresy. Their complexity suggests an intell– er, it suggests a designer.
david said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:56
Malkin:
“the grass-roots Internet group, Top Conservatives on Twitter, founded by Michael Patrick Leahy and powered by Rob Neppell,”
That’s really very funny.
cur said,
April 17, 2009 at 18:58
A funny fact for everyone. Here is what the thesaurus on my Mac computer has for democracy. Has nothing do do with this post but maybe the wingers can extort justice from Apple.
democracy
noun
a democracy in Iraq is quite unlikely for now or any time soon REPRESENTATIVE GOVERNMENT, elective government; self-government, government by the people; republic, commonwealth. antonym dictatorship.
Lawnguylander said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:01
Best wishes to Pere Ubu. I hope things get better for you.
DMM’s plan seems worth studying. Better than the shamnesty plans I’ve seen proposed. We at the People for a North American Century will get back to you.
TANG doesn’t worry me much.
TANG doesn’t worry you? So, so naive. Have you ever tasted that shit? It’s horrible. And don’t you know the Texans have plans to fly drone balsa planes filled with it over our major cities? Only the Texans have developed a form of TANG that can float in the air and they’ll have tons of it leftover when we pull NASA out of Cape Canaveral and move it to Vermont. Somewhere in the Green Mountains so we can launch our rockets from a spot closer to space than stupid flat old Texas.
g said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:07
TANG doesn’t worry you? So, so naive. Have you ever tasted that shit?
Once worked for an Opera company doing props, which included catering to the needs of singers. We had to provide them throat lozenges, jars of honey, and giant cannisters of TANG, which they’d mix with said honey from the tapwater in their dressing rooms. There were disgusting messes of honey and TANG residue all over the damn theatre.
Of course a cup of TANG with a shot of Jim Beam and a chunk of dry ice from the fog machine to cool it makes a dandy backstage drink!
Doctor Missus Marita said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:15
TANG doesn’t worry you? So, so naive. Have you ever tasted that shit?
My mom spent some time in the ’60s teaching school on a tiny island in Micronesia. Apparently “Tang” was the native word for penis, and the canisters of Tang that were shipped to my mother with her groceries were frequently hidden from view by her terribly offended housekeeper.
Think about that the next time you drink the stuff, eh?
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:16
TANG.
John D. said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:16
“tendency of the right to steadfastly support two completely contradictory ideas without even a descent interval between utterances”
From Limbaugh on down, the creeps’ biggest tactic – even moreso than the projection – is how they manage to simultaneously gloat and whine. They’re always on “the Winning Side”, but they’re also (always) victims. Conservatism can never fail, it can only be failed. This particular rhetorical two-step is behind every one of their stances and is in everything they say and do. Once you’ve mastered that, mere contradiction is a breeze.
‘Hypocrisy’ is really far too mild a word to use in describing the scum. We’ll have to come up with some new phrase that adequately sums them up.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:19
Think about that the next time you drink the stuff, eh?
Hm – so you can drink a bag of dicks instead of eating one!
PeeJ said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:19
I have a newfound hankering for TANG.
Lawnguylander said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:19
‘Hypocrisy’ is really far too mild a word to use in describing the scum. We’ll have to come up with some new phrase that adequately sums them up.
Yankee fans?
PeeJ said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:20
Interesting fact, phlogiston is a portmanteau of the various components of the theorem. There’s pH, log(i) and “ston” for stoned on some primo weed.
How long are you going to carry around that that unscientific baggage?
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:21
This particular rhetorical two-step is behind every one of their stances and is in everything they say and do. … We’ll have to come up with some new phrase that adequately sums them up.
I imagine that the ideal state for the wingnut of the follower caste to be in is this perpetual gaping-mouthed state of simultaneous horror and outrage. The “boot stamping on a human face forever” is actually not a bad first cut at the new phrase you’re looking for.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:26
How long are you going to carry around that that
unscientificbaggage?Unscientific? Bah. I will hew to Phlogiston Theorem until it has been disproven by documented and repeatable experimentation – just as the Scientific Method instructs. Or when someone interprets the Bible in such a way to make me hate Phlogiston and those infidel Wedgewoods with the righteous anger of a crusading templar.
Stiv Bator said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:30
“Malkin:
“the grass-roots Internet group, Top Conservatives on Twitter, founded by Michael Patrick Leahy and powered by Rob Neppell,””
Founder of a twitter hash mark?
That’s real impressive, like staring an aol chat room.
Whats the pay?
Stiv Bator said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:30
starting
g said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:31
This is rather amusing.
Palin Activist arrested at Katie Couric Award Ceremony.
Love the description at the end of the footage, but can’t watch it where I am now. Anyone?
PeeJ said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:35
Or when someone interprets the Bible in such a way to make me hate Phlogiston and those infidel Wedgewoods with the righteous anger of a crusading templar.
This woman would seem to be your go-to for that.
henry lewis said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:44
This represents a victory, although I’m not sure we can award you the whole internets.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:51
I really do wonder where those folks who “often equate ‘Christian’ with condemnation” get their ideas from. Anyways, just to check to see if Laurie Higgins really was the Bible interpreter I was looking for, I clicked on over to take a look:
Hallelujah! The bible says I can be as judgmental as I want, so long as I refuse to acknowledge any personal short-comings!
Righteous Bubba said,
April 17, 2009 at 19:55
This is such an active and athletic word. Go homosexualists! Do the best homosexualing you can!
tigrismus said,
April 17, 2009 at 20:05
Hm – so you can drink a bag of dicks instead of eating one!
You could always do that, or have you never heard of blenders?
This represents a victory, although I’m not sure we can award you the whole internets.
Maybe award him some of the more turgid of the series of tubes. Too bad he’s not abroad, you could establish a tubal legation.
chocolatepie said,
April 17, 2009 at 20:08
That’s real impressive, like staring an aol chat room.
Top Conservatives on Twitter: Asshole Idiot Narcissists :: Fun Cool Chat: 40-Year-Old Men Pretending to Be Underage Sluts Looking for Cybersex Hovel
PeeJ said,
April 17, 2009 at 20:11
Too bad he’s not abroad, you could establish a tubal legation.
One needn’t go to Denmark these days for that. They do reassignment in the US all the time anymore.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
April 17, 2009 at 20:14
They do reassignment in the US all the time anymore.
VAGINA.
J— said,
April 17, 2009 at 20:15
My mom spent some time in the ’60s teaching school on a tiny island in Micronesia. Apparently “Tang” was the native word for penis, and the canisters of Tang that were shipped to my mother with her groceries were frequently hidden from view by her terribly offended housekeeper.
Was this on Truk or Ruk? Truk filled with cans of Tang!
henry lewis said,
April 17, 2009 at 20:16
Hm – so you can drink a bag of dicks instead of eating one!
Somewhere in these archives, Mikey has a recipe for Cock Punch posted.
It’s rather involved, though. When I’m in a hurry I just mix a couple of tablespoons of Auntie Babs’™ reconstituted cock paste in a large glass of Sunny D.
Lawnguylander said,
April 17, 2009 at 20:19
Maybe award him some of the more turgid of the series of tubes. Too bad he’s not abroad, you could establish a tubal legation.
If he was a broad he’d be called DQW. But whatever, he wins a ride in the most turgid, most porniest of all the tubes. This one. He doesn’t get to keep it because I need it back to teach kids where babies come from.
Lusty Shacklefold said,
April 17, 2009 at 20:21
POUTAIN
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
April 17, 2009 at 20:25
Well I’m borad-minded. Does that count?
Anyways, I don’t want to win the Internets anyways, I was hoping to win a truck.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
April 17, 2009 at 20:26
borad – broad – w’ev. All this gender confusion has me typnigs liek JeffKLo.
PeeJ said,
April 17, 2009 at 20:35
POOTAINT?
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
April 17, 2009 at 21:16
retreating a thread to wallow in more torture memo.
Hayden and Mukasey in the WSJ:
Holy fucking shit! By releasing these memos, Obama is FORCING CIA officials to NOT TORTURE IN THE FUTURE! No longer will brutal sadists who ask for legal ass-covering before waterboarding someone who has not slept in a week and been occassionally doused with 41F water for twenty minutes at a time – well they won’t be so secure in their “outside the law” status!
Hey youse fucking jerkwads – this is supposed to be a civilized society. There’s this whole “Rule of Law” thing. Telling the President that “you are NOT above the law” isn’t a threat – it’s a fucking truism of Democracy.
With all due respect to you two Michaels (i.e. less than zero), your fucking “nightmare scenario” is a feature – unlike yourselves, whom are bugs.
Smut Clyde said,
April 17, 2009 at 22:48
The guy had a phobia about insects and they were going to lock him in a “coffin” with some sort of crawling or buzzing insect.
Given the general incompetence on show — the CIA being a pack of psychopathic sadistic Keystone Kops — I wonder if this ‘phobia’ is real, or is some story that one of their informants told them to see what bullshit they’d swallow.
If anyone’s reading this, I have a terrible phobia about being locked in a confined space with Kate Beckinsale.
Smut Clyde said,
April 17, 2009 at 22:57
Malkin did it again just a few days ago with the “the lefties are tinfoil-hatted nuts for calling the tea-parties astroturf, oh and those guys are all Soros-funded ACORN astroturfers.”
That would be projection rather than cognitive dissonance.
Athenawise said,
April 17, 2009 at 22:59
They remind me of the pathetic contestents in costumes on “Let’s Make a Deal.” They think they’re downtrodden patriots, when they’re nothing more than whiny losers for our entertainment.
How about some serious ideas from the right, instead of stupid exhibitionism? I gotta think there’s a swath of moderates appalled at this nonsense.
kenga said,
April 17, 2009 at 23:02
Smut, I thought I was alone in my fear. We should form a support group.
Snowwy said,
April 17, 2009 at 23:06
It’d be particularly terrible for me if Beckinsale were dressed like this.
The horror! The horror!
tigrismus said,
April 17, 2009 at 23:27
Smut, you’re focusing on the fact that she’s accusing liberals of what conservatives are actually doing, I’m focusing on the fact that she’s calling other people crazy for accusing her buds of exactly the same thing she’s accusing the other people of. The whole “it’s paranoid and nutty to say people are astroturfers! And those people are astroturfers!” thing. Does that make sense? Maybe it boils down to her being crazy enough to be guilty of projection and cognitive dissonance at the same time. Or maybe she broke me brain.
Doctorb said,
April 17, 2009 at 23:33
So yeah, waterboarding, which presents the victim with the threat of imminent death, is not torture, because it doesn’t present the threat of imminent death.
This is some fucking Zen Koan motherfuckers here.
Also, “This is a time for reflection, not retribution… nothing will be gained by spending our time and energy laying blame for the past”? Seriously? Let’s not bicker and argue over who killed who, &c.
No, really, the thing to be gained by spending our time on that is the people who did it are otherwise still running things, aren’t they, I mean crap, wtf.
Smut Clyde said,
April 17, 2009 at 23:49
Hayden and Mukasey in the WSJ:
If Mukasey is trying to preserve his reputation and intellectual legacy, then he’s done his best to ensure that future generations will remember him as “Created weasel-worded rationales for torture techniques that even the Spanish Inquisition rejected as useless and inhumane”.
Maybe it boils down to her being crazy enough to be guilty of projection and cognitive dissonance at the same time.
If I wanted dissonant projection, I would listen to a Stockhausen opera.
tigrismus said,
April 18, 2009 at 0:07
Stockhausen! I swoon!
henry lewis said,
April 18, 2009 at 0:21
Maybe it boils down to her being crazy enough to be guilty of projection and cognitive dissonance at the same time.
She has many arrows in her quiver of disorders.
Doctor Missus Marita said,
April 18, 2009 at 0:26
Was this on Truk or Ruk? Truk filled with cans of Tang!
This was Truk, actually. Udot, to be specific. So you can have your Truk full of Tang, which is much bigger than a bag of dicks, I think.
J— said,
April 18, 2009 at 0:34
So you can have your Truk full of Tang, which is much bigger than a bag of dicks, I think.
Yap!
St Jesus Honus said,
April 18, 2009 at 0:47
Dr. Missus Maria said:
“I would propose a citizenship test allowing Texas expats to retain their US citizenship (or perhaps permanent resident status), and base the test solely on knowledge of the writings of Molly Ivins. The failures get deported.”
Hell, a reading test is going to fail most texans.
Another Kiwi said,
April 18, 2009 at 1:09
I think you should keep Austin, at least. That’s some good music.
Dylan said,
April 18, 2009 at 2:59
The lady doth teabag too much, methinks.
Cowalker said,
April 18, 2009 at 9:01
There, there Michelle. Try to calm down. Go to your happy place.