Apr
1
1
Le Plus Ça Change
Shorter Paul Ryan (R-WI) in the Wall Street Journal:
The GOP’s Alternative Budget
President Obama offers us the option of European big government.
- We have listened to what Americans want, and wow, because that’s actually what our policies will really do.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Ken Lowery said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:01
Seriously, at what point did “Europe” become a one-size-fits-all smear?
D.N. Nation said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:04
What was that? All I read was
Ken Lowery said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:07
Well, D.N., they’ve had such a stellar record supporting veterans’ health care, especially these last 8 years.
Oh, right.
Tommmcatt said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:07
They’re so cute when they just make shit up as they go along.
D.N. Nation said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:14
ACORN. Barney Frank.
OneMadClown said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:15
Desperation is a stinky cologne, Congressman Ryan.
Hun Joro said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:16
Finally, detailed plans on how to give the American people exactly what they want and reduce government spending:
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/04/01/house-republicans-stimulus-repeal-budget-plan/
That’s change I can believe in!
Ken Lowery said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:18
That’s change I can believe in!
That.. HAS to be an April Fool’s joke.
PeeJ said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:22
Well, it’s better written than last week’s imaginary GOP budget but it needs a bit of diskeuatism:
Legalize said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:23
This is a joke, and should be treated as such. I can’t wait for Tweety to lose his shit on the GOPer who comes on his show to defend this drivel.
Darth Revan said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:25
Seriously, at what point did “Europe” become a one-size-fits-all smear?
Tell me about it. I liked “The Final Countdown”!
tigrismus said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:26
“This is a budget with real policies and real numbers,” said Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wis.
This time it’s got numbers! WE WIN YOU LOOSE, SUCKET LIBTARDS!
erlking said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:29
So, if the Rs don’t gain back congress in the midterms, does that mean that Americans have chosen the European option and that the Republicans with STFU from now on? ‘Cause that would be cool.
Legalize said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:29
Our plan purports to do exactly what we’ve argued for, and sucessfully implemented for the past 30 years. This plan is the exact opposite of what the President (who is very popular (and black)) wants, and er um, has thus far gotten passed.
Questions?
Marco said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:31
Democratic plan = buy illegals, gays and darkies iPods and government cheese and homes next to yours.
Republican plan = blowing up foreigners with gazillion-dollar soon-to-be-developed awesome death ray. Oh, and servicemen and women get $5 scratch-off lottery cards every 4 years.
Makes sense to me. Go Republicans!
Wyatt Watts III said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:32
You won’t just be poor, you’ll be exceptionally poor!
Righteous Bubba said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:35
A fantasy budget without ice-cream cone subsidies is no fantasy budget at all.
tigrismus said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:36
Wow, Marco, the way you put it they’re BOTH great plans, it’s just too hard to decide. If Obama really favors extending the hand of bipartisanship, how about we buy the foreigners the homes next to ours THEN blow them up with the death ray? IT’S CALLED COMPROMISE, PEOPLE.
Math said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:36
OMFG! Did you see the sweet graph? This budget is going to be infinity zillion percent of GDP by 2080!
Never mind the fact that based on the recent performance of doubling the national debt in 8 years, the national debt would be 2816 TRILLION by 2074.
You lost, STFU plz.
mikey said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:38
Whew!
Thank goodness they’re going to give priority to national defense!
‘Cause with all those superior armies and navies poised off our shores to invade and attack and occupy our blessed homeland we’re in tremendous danger of…
Huh?
There aren’t?
They DON’T?
We AREN’T?
We spend more than ALL of them combined?
Oh. Never mind…
mikey
cowalker said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:40
But equal opportunity doesn’t mean that all kids get treated for diseases or get a decent education. After all, they had the opportunity to pick rich parents, and they made the wrong choice. We didn’t get to be SUPERSPECIALBESTESTEXCEPTIONALISTIC AMERICA by rewarding bad choices.
Mouthful of Kelp said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:40
(a) not that you acknowledged it at the time
(b) but that’s all over now AM I RIGHT FOLKS?
Legalize said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:42
The April Fools Day Budget: Fail I Can Believe In!
The Republican Budget said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:44
I take into account how currently unborn members of Congress will vote. That’s how awesome I am.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:47
Soon to be proposed by Ben Nelson.
John D. said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:47
So…Is this an April Fool’s Day joke? It’s kinda hard to tell.
I was about to ask that same question. Do the wingnuts really think demonizing Europe is the road to succeess?
Wyatt Watts III said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:48
Is it me or has the GOP started to take their rhetoric from the side of boxes of Trojans?
Loneoak said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:56
I’m seriously disappointed with our Overlords. Congressman Ryan is up there holding his hands apart at exactly the length of a sammich and yet his hands are empty. He needs a frickin’ sammich.
Nom de Plume said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:56
Do the wingnuts really think demonizing Europe is the road to success?
No shit. Americans hate Europe so much that they go there in droves (or at least they did when they could afford it). Europe’s probably almost as poor and desperate as we are, but at least they can be that way in a cool setting, with castles and kickass museums and such.
Anonymous said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:57
Eleventy kajillion is not a number.
If republicans were capable of humor I’d say this was a joke. But given that they are constitutionally incapable of that…
cowalker said,
April 1, 2009 at 19:59
I don’t understand what they’re saying here at all. Is this the plan?
1) invest the proceeds of opening exploration on our nation’s oil and gas fields in a clean energy trust fund.
2) ?????
3) Clean energy (and profit!)
First of all, there won’t be “proceeds” from exploration. Proceeds will be earned by the corporations who explore IF their development of the oil or gas is highly successful. If they don’t see huge profits to be made, they won’t develop the oil or gas resource. Will those who do develop the source be required to put a portion of their profit into the trust fund? Won’t infringing on their right to make a brazzilion dollars a nanosecond discourage them so much that they’ll “Go Galt” and retire to invent wonderful things and then destroy the plans? Finally, how will the trust fund be used? Will it be used to subsidize clean forms of energy so that they can successfully compete with planet-destroying forms of energy? Wouldn’t that be un-American?
PeeJ said,
April 1, 2009 at 20:01
Is it me or has the GOP started to take their rhetoric from the side of boxes of Trojans?
That’s not what causes it. Too many Trojan Pops, I should think.
kg said,
April 1, 2009 at 20:03
exactly. look, there’s big ben; parliament.
Teh AWESOMEST HIPPEST HOPPEST GOP EVAH said,
April 1, 2009 at 20:04
NO don’t touch that! If you throw this bus into reverse, we’ll fly off the cliff immediately! We have to stay the course.
Scott said,
April 1, 2009 at 20:04
Do the wingnuts really think demonizing Europe is the road to success?
Well, their base just loves it. And playing exclusively to their base has never failed the GOP yet!
Spirula said,
April 1, 2009 at 20:05
You can see the plan for what it is here
justme said,
April 1, 2009 at 20:09
Yeah. That last bit about Road to Recovery? Just a “Marketing Document“. You can forget we did that.
Can’t you?
Please?
This one is much better.
Really.
No, seriously.
Why are you all laughing?
justme said,
April 1, 2009 at 20:11
DO OVER!!!!!!
Pillow Pants said,
April 1, 2009 at 20:12
“We intend to continue this uniquely American tradition”
Truck Nutz and NASCAR also being uniquely American traditions.
Warp Drive said,
April 1, 2009 at 20:26
I will be invented in the 2060s, per Star Trek. This budget goes to the 2080s.
Thus, this budget. Is. AWESOME.
PeeJ said,
April 1, 2009 at 20:36
The bigger problem is they don’t say whether the graph accounts for the conversion to gold pressed latinum . Which Michelle Bachmann won’t allow anyway.
Mang, they is incompetents, isn’t them?
D.N. Nation said,
April 1, 2009 at 20:42
I fear her reaction when she learns that warp travel will eventually become the concern of global government. Wolverines.
Snorghagen said,
April 1, 2009 at 20:51
Instead, we pledge to come up with an entirely new mistake, one that is immense enough and majestically stupid enough to be worthy of this great land.
Andrew said,
April 1, 2009 at 20:55
It looks like the singularity comes around 2028. Up till then, the two lines mostly trend in the same direction.
Matron Dynamite of Appreciative Joy said,
April 1, 2009 at 21:05
They just WON’T go and fucking DIE already, will they?
actor212 said,
April 1, 2009 at 21:14
Are there actual numbers in this version?
Smut Clyde said,
April 1, 2009 at 21:36
Americans hate Europe so much that they go there in droves
Pending European legislation will impose heavy taxes on droves, due to their carbon emissions.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
April 1, 2009 at 21:50
In the recent past, the Republican Party failed to offer the nation an inspiring vision and a concrete plan to tackle our problems with innovative and principled solutions.
Well, true enough. This morning was the recent past.
actor212 said,
April 1, 2009 at 21:52
Americans hate Europe so much that they go there in droves
Pending European legislation will impose heavy taxes on droves, due to their carbon emissions.
Can we flock-pool?
Dr. BDH said,
April 1, 2009 at 21:54
Shorter GOP budget: 1) Freeze all Federal spending except defense. 2) Watch Depression sweep economy into global dustbin. 3) Victory in 2010!!!!
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
April 1, 2009 at 22:02
Seriously, at what point did “Europe” become a one-size-fits-all smear?
A similar sort of thing happened in the eighties when the War on Drugs was what the War on Terror was in about 2003 – you know, if you hinted that maybe jailing people wasn’t the best way to get them to stop smoking weed, and did it matter that much anyway, you were a druggie traitor. When people would point out that the Netherlands’ harm reduction strategy actually worked, they would vein-poppingly insist that “We’re not them,” and claim that Europe in general was a bunch of gay-ass hippie druggie unamericans.
Those years kind of sucked too.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
April 1, 2009 at 22:02
And so do my tags.
Woodrowfan said,
April 1, 2009 at 22:03
Is it me or has the GOP started to take their rhetoric from the side of boxes of Trojans?
Today’s GOP, ribbed for your pleasure, and with a reservoir tip!
Smut Clyde said,
April 1, 2009 at 22:11
This… is… TROJA!!
actor212 said,
April 1, 2009 at 22:14
Today’s GOP, ribbed for your pleasure, and with a reservoir tip!
I prefer Natural Lambs.
ILAS said,
April 1, 2009 at 22:22
Smut Clyde said,
Budgets are for servants and menials! Our Dolmen will kick your ass!
Uncle Ned said,
April 1, 2009 at 22:27
I am sur Rep. Ryan’s essay will go over big in the tent cities sprouting up everywhere. America IS exceptional, indeed-diddley-doo!
tigrismus said,
April 1, 2009 at 22:30
I prefer Natural Lambs.
I bet you do. Scamp.
actor212 said,
April 1, 2009 at 22:30
I am sur Rep. Ryan’s essay will go over big in the tent cities sprouting up everywhere.
Take it from me, newspaper is a great insulator when you sleep on the ground.
Bitter Scribe said,
April 1, 2009 at 22:33
My favorite part of the article:
We strengthen the Medicaid safety net by converting the federal share of Medicaid payments into an allotment tailored for each state’s low-income population. This will enhance state flexibility and sensitivity to spending growth.
Translation: We stop paying per patient and convert to inadequate lump-sum payments, thereby pushing the funding problem onto the states while getting credit for cutting spending.
It’s very shrewd of the WSJ to charge for online access to their news coverage while making their editorial pages available for free. A very accurate assessment of relative worth.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
April 1, 2009 at 22:40
Translation: We stop paying per patient and convert to inadequate lump-sum payments, thereby pushing the funding problem onto the states while getting credit for cutting spending.
Heh. It does point out one place where the Goopers were honest – they really do want to run government like a business.
laym said,
April 1, 2009 at 22:42
Instead, we pledge to come up with an entirely new mistake, one that is immense enough and majestically stupid enough to be worthy of this great land.
Heh.
Europeans use TELEPROMPTERS! said,
April 1, 2009 at 22:45
Do the wingnuts really think demonizing Europe is the road to succeess?
freed said,
April 1, 2009 at 23:08
I just want to know when you libs will wake up and finally support getting rid of taxes. Too much government on my back and in my wallet. Except for the military.
laym said,
April 1, 2009 at 23:11
a new clean energy trust fund
Do slush funds also work to capture carbon dioxide? I did not know that.
Also, I thought lockboxes were for mocking? Or is that year 2000 thinking?
handy said,
April 1, 2009 at 23:13
Do slush funds also work to capture carbon dioxide? I did not know that.
Haven’t you heard of carbon credits? Du-huh.
Smut Clyde said,
April 1, 2009 at 23:16
‘Methane clathrates’ are the new ‘slush funds’.
actor212 said,
April 1, 2009 at 23:17
Haven’t you heard of carbon credits? Du-huh.
Great! And then they’ll let AIG run up some derivative scam on those too, and next thing you know, all the carbon will disappear and *pfft* no more global warming and we libs will have nothing to run on for a hundred billion years!
Oh wait! That’s actually in the footnotes to the plan!
Matron Dynamite of Appreciative Joy said,
April 1, 2009 at 23:24
Seems like I remember some old farty guy, ran on a ticket with that insane Moose-lady, and they were trying to pitch this same bucket of shit all over the place. And, and then, didn’t the citizens of the United States of America rise up, go to the voting booths, and roundly tell these two to take their retarded circus act away please, we’ll go with the nice sensible young man over there who seems to have a clue and thus infinitely better ideas, and now that he’s implementing them his approval rating is even higher and many of us feel better about things already? So in conclusion, WHY WON’T THEY JUST GO AWAY.
Stephen said,
April 1, 2009 at 23:29
Also, I thought lockboxes were for mocking? Or is that year 2000 thinking?
Remember when all those people who denigrated Kerry’s Purple Heart in 2004 also denigrated McCain’s Purple Heart in 2008?
Oh wait…
mikey said,
April 1, 2009 at 23:29
Y’know, I was just driving around in the sunshine and it occured to me that the wingnuts are missing the clear solution, even though it is nothing but the obvious endpoint of their policies.
Three words:
Free. Market. Military.
Once the military is a profitable, self sustaining corporation, there’ll be no need for any taxation or other governmental body ever AGAIN!
So how to make it work? Charge a fee for occupying a country. Charge their neighbors for eliminating a “regional risk”. Charge all the OTHER countries for NOT invading them! Every country has to pay. Monthly. You could tell Liechtenstein that they have to pay fifteen million dollars a month or you’ll bomb Vaduz. Nice little capital ya got here. Be a fuckin SHAME if something happened to it.
It’s a beautiful free market solution to a thorny problem….
mikey
The Dow, abused said,
April 1, 2009 at 23:31
Why does my troll abandon me whenever I feel good about myself?
handy said,
April 1, 2009 at 23:35
It’s a beautiful free market solution to a thorny problem….
Skynet is self-aware!
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
April 1, 2009 at 23:35
So in conclusion, WHY WON’T THEY JUST GO AWAY.
Because Obama hasn’t fixed every problem in the world in 2 months, they figure the voters will now be begging for McWorse’s wisdom.
stryx said,
April 1, 2009 at 23:38
Photo Caption:
Really, your Honor, I remained at least this far away from that dancer.
stryx said,
April 1, 2009 at 23:40
Photo Caption:
Judge, sometimes I just like to put my feet this far apart when I’m in a public restroom.
Matron Dynamite of Appreciative Joy said,
April 1, 2009 at 23:51
Photo needs a sammich.
The Truth said,
April 1, 2009 at 23:53
The DJI are going up now that the stock market anticipates a Republican getting into office in
20122016202020242028.Maybe. Bookmark it, libs.
Zifnab said,
April 2, 2009 at 0:02
Only good for John McCain! I’d like to point out that John Conner is on the verge of defeating Skynet in 2029.
Righteous Bubba said,
April 2, 2009 at 0:20
Since the last Dow touting I bothered to check out the Dow is even lower.
Smartypants Apologist said,
April 2, 2009 at 1:07
Pssst! Mr. Smarty Bubba, yeah, you. PSSSSSST!!!
That was from like, 5 days ago. Sheeeit, boy, you’re talking about long term there. Trolls only pay attention to the very important day by day numbers.
Smartypants Apologist said,
April 2, 2009 at 1:07
Intraday, even.
Smartypants Apologist said,
April 2, 2009 at 1:08
PPHTPHPTHPTTTPHTPHTTTT
Reversed Troll-O-Matic said,
April 2, 2009 at 1:18
!sbil ,siht kramkooB .niaCcM nhoJ rof swen doog si nwod gnieb AIJD ehT .aciremA yortsed ot stnaw ohw pihsrow lla uoy yeknoM suseJ tsirorret tsilaicos eht ot gnitcaer ylsuoivbo si )?ti teg( senoJ nwoD eht ,si tcaf ehT
krassen said,
April 2, 2009 at 1:44
reading the document… checking the source…
OMG, PEOPLES, HOARD EUROS! SHORT US$$!!!!
PeeJ said,
April 2, 2009 at 1:50
If you haven’t already, go over to Salon and read Glenn’s smackdown of Andrew “The Weasel” McCarthy. He also whops upside the haid William Kristol (son of Irv and Gertrude), John Podhoretz (son of Norm and Midge), and Jonah Goldberg (son of Lucianne).
Gotta love that guy.
mikey said,
April 2, 2009 at 1:58
Ok, I don’t have the skillz to do this, but if nobody else (Gavin? Bubba? RinTinTin?) is gonna hang a sammich on that dogfucker, I’m gonna have to do it, crappy pshop though it might be.
Serves y’all right for ducking your responsibilities…
http://www.box.net/shared/7kxij0jd49
mikey
Righteous Bubba said,
April 2, 2009 at 2:03
That, sir, is an impressive sandwich.
SomeNYGuy said,
April 2, 2009 at 2:04
Mikey, that’s one disgusting, unappetizing pile of crap ‘n’ cheese.
The sandwich, on the other hand, looks delicious.
Smut Clyde said,
April 2, 2009 at 2:05
Invisible cats-cradle.
Righteous Bubba said,
April 2, 2009 at 2:10
Randroid sighting at the G20.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
April 2, 2009 at 2:10
That sammich is crying for some oil and vinegar.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
April 2, 2009 at 2:12
Gotta love that guy.
Teh Glennzilla runs a bit hot-n-cold, IMO, but that article was a work of art. Thanks for the link.
Another Kiwi said,
April 2, 2009 at 2:23
I gots to say, as a sammich it’s the tops.
What he’s doing is demonstating how long the republican Bizarro budget was when it came out of their butts.
mikey said,
April 2, 2009 at 2:27
Butts dispensing budgets.
Butt-budgets.
The Butts are installed in Butt-Sockets in a Linear arrangement.
Just reach up and pull the cord, and a budget spews forth from the butt.
Y’know, this is very disturbing imagery.
Smut, you got a sixteenth century woodcut that might illustrate this concept?
mikey
PeeJ said,
April 2, 2009 at 2:28
Helluva sammich. Heroic, even.
PeeJ said,
April 2, 2009 at 2:31
Hope it didn’t take to long to grind that one out, m1k3y.
m1k3y said,
April 2, 2009 at 2:35
That is SO motherfuckin COOL!
Thanks, PeeJ!
Yee HAH!
mikey
tigrismus said,
April 2, 2009 at 2:43
This guy looks like he might be loosing a budget on the world.
tigrismus said,
April 2, 2009 at 2:59
Shoulda said “passing a budget.” Verdammt!
Loneoak said,
April 2, 2009 at 3:14
In the upper left, if I’m not mistaken, there’s a dude with a flute up his butt. Sweet.
The most righteous/terrifying mushroom trip I ever had involved a book of Bosch.
laym said,
April 2, 2009 at 3:17
That’s a fine sammich, Mikey.
But, in the context of this post, it should really be a steaming shit sandwich.
A poop sandwich, if you will.
Loneoak said,
April 2, 2009 at 3:22
Oddly on-topic: Today Rush said that Obama is going to give Gordon Brown “anal poisoning.” Tongue-jack that shitbox Brownie-boy!
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
April 2, 2009 at 3:25
I dunno.
Pretty skinny guy to be looking at a sammich that big.
But trust a Rethug from Wisconsin to ignore B Kliban’s advice “never eat anything bigger than your head”
So it works for me.
Smut Clyde said,
April 2, 2009 at 3:26
Y’know, this is very disturbing imagery.
Smut, you got a sixteenth century woodcut that might illustrate this concept?
I was thinking along the lines of Brueghel — there are a couple of details in the Flemish Proverbs dwelling on the butt / budget combination — but (a) I can’t find the specific details enlarged on the Webs, and (b) Bosch is sufficiently lurid.
m1k3y said,
April 2, 2009 at 3:31
Sure, Bosch works, but it seems kind of cheap.
I mean, a guy in a clown suit with Jonah Goldberg as a research assistant would have come up with Bosch.
I was kinda hoping for something like the witches with the dicks in the birds nest obscure.
Don’t be lettin me down, lad…
mikey
har har said,
April 2, 2009 at 3:38
I see Obama’s cheap gift-giving habits continue apace.
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/toby_harnden/blog/2009/04/01/barack_obamas_gift_for_the_queen_an_ipod_your_majesty
At least the iPod will play no matter in what region it finds itself.
har har said,
April 2, 2009 at 3:40
Not only that, but the Queen already has an iPod.
What a dope.
Ripley said,
April 2, 2009 at 4:14
Is that guy wearing a horse pin? A HORSEY PIN?!?
Where the shiny fuck is his flag pin? God damned traitors…
J— said,
April 2, 2009 at 4:25
There’s always Goya.
m1k3y said,
April 2, 2009 at 4:28
NOW yer talkin.
If you need butt spewing, Goya’s your dood.
‘Cause he knows from Butt Spewage.
mikey
jim said,
April 2, 2009 at 4:48
Oh fuck.
They really recycled the same Budget McFreeze (war-toys & vets’ benefits exempted) that helped to put McCain in the political doghouse last fall? A semi-flat-tax is almost as insane … as is the idea of somehow magically funding clean energy with proceeds from dirty oil (unless the GOP intends to either nationalize Exxon or create a Yankee version of a Crown Corporation, LOL). Tax cuts don’t work QUITE as well as a stimulus when everyone is fucking broke, either – unless the Feds now tax your internal organs & excreta.
Holy Toledo Scale, does this “New Improved Lemony-Fresh” budget-like thing ever hold a lot of pure suck. Black holes only wish they could suck so hard.
The GOP – because having new ideas means you want the terrorists to win!
You’ll find them conveniently located at the outer corners of every page. One can only hope that this time they were kind enough to pre-perforate the inside margins & use a more appropriately absorbant stock.
Nom de Plume said,
April 2, 2009 at 5:00
One can only hope that this time they were kind enough to pre-perforate the inside margins & use a more appropriately absorbant stock.
But the ink stains, man, the ink stains! I’d rather have a pilonidal cyst festering in the cleft of my buttocks than the wretched ink of a Republican “budget”.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
April 2, 2009 at 5:04
They really recycled the same Budget McFreeze (war-toys & vets’ benefits exempted) that helped to put McCain in the political doghouse last fall?
Of course! Now that Obama has FAIL, FAIL, FAILED to fix everything that Clinton broke over the last 8 years, the voters are contrite and ready for McWorse’s leadership. Begging for it!
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,
April 2, 2009 at 5:24
Fucking bring it the fuckity-fuck on, already! If the fucking government, would fucking–you know–the fuck govern all-fucking-ready, and fucking perform fucking public functions through the fucking public fucking sector the fucking way it’s supposed to fucking be, I’d be all fucking for a fucking flat tax–make it fucking 50 fucking percent with a 24,000 zero-bracket amount, and fucking do what the fucking government is supposed to fucking do, people wouldn’t fucking need so goddamn fucking much money, and we could live our fucking lives without fucking wondering whether we were going to fucking be fucking alive if they took another fucking cent out of our fucking paychecks!
But I’m not fucking mad about it at all!
tensor said,
April 2, 2009 at 5:25
Today’s GOP, ribbed for your pleasure, and with a reservoir tip!
If today’s GOP started a contraceptives-manufacturing firm, they would first demand huge tax breaks for siting the factory, then tax money paying for infrastructure improvements around their factory, and for government-funded training for their prospective workers. While they paid themselves huge salaries and bonuses, the design work would go to some toady’s unqualified slacker offspring.
The “reservoir tip” would actually have a pinhole, ensuring a high-pressure stream for ease of conception/STD transmission. When told their “prophylactic” was actually doing harm, they’d start yelling about how contraception is just like abortion, and everyone who practices gay safe sex should get AIDS and die as per God’s Wrath. (“Abstinence-only” sex “educators” would cite these condom failures as proof that contraception does not work.)
Then they’d blame the bankruptcy of their contraceptives company on “big-government regulation” and “the liberal media.”
PeeJ said,
April 2, 2009 at 5:26
Did I mention PENIS?
Mo's Bike Shop said,
April 2, 2009 at 5:26
Sack Butt
My second-favorite instrument.
PeeJ said,
April 2, 2009 at 5:28
Now that we are on the way to Europification I, for one, look forward to fast and efficient rail service, ecological senstivity, increased life expectancy, decreased child mortality, universal preschool and….
Wait…what?
DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!!!
Another Kiwi said,
April 2, 2009 at 5:34
And a flute up the butt in everyones garage.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
April 2, 2009 at 5:38
And a flute up the butt in everyones garage.
Didn’t Dumbya have the nickname “whistle-ass” there for a while? At least on one of these lefty internets he did.
Another Kiwi said,
April 2, 2009 at 5:40
He swallowed a harmonica or something?
Uncle Carl stuck it up there in a moment of passion?
Many roads, the same ending.
Another Kiwi said,
April 2, 2009 at 5:42
People would do anything to get into Little Richard’s Band in those days.
Mo's Bike Shop said,
April 2, 2009 at 6:20
Didn’t Dumbya have the nickname “whistle-ass” there for a while?
I know I called him a whistleprick.
Smut Clyde said,
April 2, 2009 at 7:00
there’s a dude with a flute up his butt
Great moments in medical science.
#72: The invention of the sigmoidoscope.
DH said,
April 2, 2009 at 7:04
Oh Fafblag, where are you now that we need you?
http://fafblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/nothing-says-i-care-like-war-on.html
Nothing Says “I Care” Like A War on Poverty!
Giblets is a compassionate Giblets. He has been moved by the plight of poor people, which were believed to be extinct, like the ivory-billed woodpecker, until they were rediscovered fairly recently. Like the ivory-billed woodpecker, they live a delicate and tenuous existence, endangered by predators and modern man alike. Unlike the ivory-billed woodpecker, Giblets rarely attempts to chase them down and cook them in a giant quiche. This is because of the compassion. Giblets has so much compassion he has decided to declare war on poverty and destroy it forever! Behold his three-step plan – NO! – his three-compassion plan – to hunt down poverty and kill it where it lives!
COMPASSION THE FIRST: FREEDOM! Poverty hates our our way of life: that is why it is always harassing Giblets on the street for his precious dimes and nickels.1 The only way to fight it is with freedom! Thus Giblets will liberate the poor from the Medicaid and food stamp programs which have oppressed for so many years! No longer will they be terrorized by the tyranny of having food! Instead they can experience the heady up-from-the-bootstraps independence of chasing small animals for their own food! No longer will they suffer at the slavery of subsidized health care. Instead they can use just scrape the mold off the remnants of their drowned homes and pound it into penicillin! Don’t bother to thank Giblets, poor people – your newfound liberty is thanks enough.
COMPASSION THE SECOND: FLYPAPER! Giblets’s multi-billion-dollar tax cuts for the rich will continue unabated! By slashing local wages and maintaining fat tax cuts for the rich, Giblets will cleverly trap poverty in isolated pockets of poor people, far from our own mammonite shores. We must ignore poverty over there so we don’t have to fight it over here.
COMPASSION THE THIRD: HUMANITARIAN AID! These have been trying times for our nation’s wealthiest, who have lost vacation homes and tourist destinations and have been forced to endure the painful spectacle of thousands of homeless on television night after night. Giblets promises swift relief in the form of more giant tax cuts. Stand strong, mammonati! You’ll buy that extra yacht yet.
We will defeat poverty, and we will do so by creating a perfect, classless society: one where the upper class has risen so far above the lower class that it has left the earth as a space-faring race of celestial beings made entirely of money, and the lower class has gradually transformed into rock-dwelling cannibalistic sewer mutants which disintegrate in the harsh light of a wasteland sun. On that scorched earth, whoever remains will stand as equals, victors in the war on poverty!
1. Poor people will receive Giblets’s commemorative Idaho quarter when they EARN his commemorative Idaho quarter.
Labels: majestic equality
justme said,
April 2, 2009 at 7:39
Five.
Five.
Five dollah foot loooooooooooooooooong.
.
.
.
I’m so sorry.
Hugely said,
April 2, 2009 at 7:57
yup….
where the fuck is the sammich!
is the first ting i sez to self….
The Republican Budget Plan in extremis said,
April 2, 2009 at 8:06
Let me help you understand the Republican budget plan
The Republican Budget plan
The Republican Budget Plan in extremis said,
April 2, 2009 at 8:22
If any of the diagrams of our proposed budget appear to resemble an obscene gesture, it is purely coincidental.
Who could imagine the Republican budget plan hurting the average American taxpayer?
GoatBoy said,
April 2, 2009 at 12:21
Whistle Ass.
lobbey said,
April 2, 2009 at 12:44
Did I mention PENIS?
no, but I mention PRICK?
JD Rhoades said,
April 2, 2009 at 14:20
Seriously, at what point did “Europe” become a one-size-fits-all smear?
Shorter entire Republican Party:
EUROPE! SOCIALISM! ACORNACONACORN! ISLAMOFASCISM! EUROPE! ACORN! BLAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
April 2, 2009 at 14:38
bonus additional Shorter entire Republican Party:
Oww1 Oww1 Oww! My butt hurts!
IT’S *sniff* NO FAIR!1one!!
Willy said,
April 2, 2009 at 15:42
If any of the diagrams of our proposed budget appear to resemble an obscene gesture, it is purely coincidental.
You mean those graphics in Boner’s purdy blue 19 page plan that look like anal beads? Those are not obscene!
actor212 said,
April 2, 2009 at 16:44
Three words:
Free. Market. Military.
I better snap up the condom contract before Halliburton
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
April 2, 2009 at 16:52
Can I make the suggestion that “Whistle Ass” be the official nickname for Mr. Ryan. if he’s going to be raising his profile?
Because that would make my day.
Paul “Whistle Ass” Ryan.
actor212 said,
April 2, 2009 at 16:56
Paul “Whistle Ass” Ryan
Eric “Pan Flute Butt” Cantor.
henry lewis said,
April 2, 2009 at 17:30
Is there room in the band for a sphincter trumpet?
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
April 2, 2009 at 17:33
Arlen “Sphincter Trumpet”
actor212 said,
April 2, 2009 at 17:46
This is all a kick in the brass.
Naturally, we have to make room for former Senator Ted “InterTubas” Stevens
PeeJ said,
April 2, 2009 at 18:48
*shudder*
So those are The Boys in the Band?
sanitas said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:07
Next up on stage is John Boehner, leading his rusty trombone orchestra.
stryx said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:21
Photo Caption:
I’m gonna wait just this much longer for a new post and if I don’t get one I’m gonna hold my breath until I die!
commie atheist said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:26
I like the fact that Paul Ryan is affecting the Gipper’s hairdo:
http://richardhughesiv.com/Blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/ronald-reagan-socialized-medicine-lp2.jpg
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:27
While you’re waiting for a new post, Roy is kicking rightwingers in their tiny little gonads (as usual).
1) Scummy Yuropeans, buncha socialists.
2) ZOMG Barry Hussein and his bare-armed wife are dissing the QUEEN!
PeeJ said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:41
And RedState. And others.
I’ll go over to StopACLU and tell ‘em Rodgers wrote the great American musical Oklahomosexual (Where the queens come screaming ‘cross the plains). See if their heads ‘splode.
Besides, know what the Queen (the “real” one) gives every visiting head of state? A portrait oh her. Too, too gauche.
We Surround Them said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:45
Bravo to the Republicans for standing up to International Liberal Fascism.
As we speak Obama is selling out our soverignty to a skeleton One World Government, that will force European norms on us against our will and against our Constitution.
We won’t stand for it!
WE Surround THEM!
stryx said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:45
KICKED THEIR ASS IN ’76 TOO.
And then they burned down our White House 38 years later.
Rusty Shackleford said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:46
From PeeJ’s RedState link:
Um, yeah… I’m gonna have to see your data on that one.
TortureIsUnAmerican said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:46
If America is on the road to becoming Europe, can we finally get a couple decent pubs? Not those Disneyfied strip mall things, either.
PeeJ said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:48
What does this mean for the Europization of America? Is it on or not? It’s Almost As If They Don’t Value Consistency.
We Surround Them said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:48
The new “International” authorities will make it impossible for America to conduct the War on Terror on our own terms, forcing us to submit to terms dictated by European beuraocrats, who will dictate terms that will be favorable to the angry Muslim minorities they are already in fear of in their own dying nations.
But WE surround THEM!
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:51
But WE surround THEM!
Uh-oh, some hideotestinal poopgas made it through the piefilter. Not for long!
Rusty Shackleford said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:51
America surrounds Europe?
PeeJ said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:55
Heh, stryx. It was burned in the War of 1812.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:58
But WE surround THEM!
The way K-Load surrounds a donut?
stryx said,
April 2, 2009 at 19:59
I see your literalist pedantry and raise you one geektastic nerdgasm.
Righteous Bubba said,
April 2, 2009 at 20:12
The British and their superior war machines showed no mercy.
stryx said,
April 2, 2009 at 20:12
And this?
That shit was just rude. I mean you can rebuild a house, but a 40 person dinner party gone to waste? Wrong.
Loneoak said,
April 2, 2009 at 20:15
If McCain was Prez. , he would have presented the Queen with some of his personal stash of Gerontol and a snowmobiling jacket from Palin.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
April 2, 2009 at 20:17
Here’s more fun.
And back to work I go, (which is also where fun goes to die).
~
actor212 said,
April 2, 2009 at 20:23
Obama gave the Queen a rare songbook signed by American musical comedy great Richard Rodgers (sic), responds, “perhaps the songbook gift might have been nice (I’ve never heard of the guy)…” Yeah, this is someone you want dishing out protocol.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Never heard of Richard Rodgers, and they call themselves Americans?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
I mean, you know, Rodgers and Hart, Rodgers and HAMMERSTEIN???? Oklahoma? Hullo???? Carousel? State Fair?
That Richard Rodgers? I know they are arts deprived but any decent American *ahem* patriot ought to at least be aware of someone who has had more musical impact on the Marine Marching Band than anyone except John Phillip Sousa!
actor212 said,
April 2, 2009 at 20:25
America surrounds Europe?
If you count South America, I suppose…
actor212 said,
April 2, 2009 at 20:26
I mean you can rebuild a house, but a 40 person dinner party gone to waste?
I prefer to think that Dolly Madison was just a proto-DFH and was leaving food for the invaders.
tigrismus said,
April 2, 2009 at 20:28
Maybe he thought it was “Roger N. Hammerstein.”
Righteous Bubba said,
April 2, 2009 at 20:40
Shades of the Ferrante & Treachery rant.
mikey said,
April 2, 2009 at 20:50
Umm, yeah, but I think you’re gonna need Africa and Russia too.
Yeah. “We” surround them. For very large values of “We”….
mikey
gocart mozart said,
April 2, 2009 at 20:50
Wouldn’t it make more sense to use the warp drive that will be invented in 2060 to travel back in time to when Barb and George were conceiving little Georgie, stop them from fucking and balance the budget like yesterday or am I missing something?
Smut Clyde said,
April 2, 2009 at 21:00
…When the detachment sent out to destroy Mr. Madison’s house entered his dining parlor, they found a dinner table spread and covers laid for forty guests. Several kinds of wine, in handsome cut glass decanters, were cooling on the sideboard;
Mary Celeste-on-the-Potomac. One of the great unsolved mysteries of the
seariver.Righteous Bubba said,
April 2, 2009 at 21:11
Liberals rewrite history again. Those were fresh-baked bibles.
WereBear said,
April 2, 2009 at 21:12
I’d go for Prescott Bush being shot for treason.
Ya gotta nip these things in the bud!
commie atheist said,
April 2, 2009 at 21:13
Spits, loaded with joints of various sorts
Sad, all those joints gone to waste.
Willy said,
April 2, 2009 at 21:16
“Get in me Belly!”
I apologize to proficient graphic arteests everywhere. My skillz lack the ‘sk’.
Smut Clyde said,
April 2, 2009 at 21:17
Is there room in the band for a sphincter trumpet?
Allow me to suggest the band-name “Kirharesh”.
Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh.
I blame last night’s extra-hot Bhuna Josht + 3 pints of stout.
[Exit, eyes watering at the thought of the butt-tuba].
commie atheist said,
April 2, 2009 at 21:19
If we’re still on the War of 1812 digression, it seems that Thomas Jefferson himself may have prefigured the neocons by a few hundred years:
The majority of the inhabitants of Upper Canada (Ontario) were either exiles from the United States (United Empire Loyalists) or postwar immigrants. The Loyalists were hostile to union with the U.S., while the other settlers seem to have been uninterested. The Canadian colonies were thinly populated and only lightly defended by the British Army. Americans then believed that many in Upper Canada would rise up and greet a United States invading army as liberators, a now-discredited belief. The combination suggested an easy conquest, as former President Thomas Jefferson seemed to believe in 1812: “The acquisition of Canada this year, as far as the neighborhood of Quebec, will be a mere matter of marching, and will give us the experience for the attack on Halifax, the next and final expulsion of England from the American continent.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_of_1812
There is no truth to the rumor that Jefferson put up a “Mission Accomplished” banner on Monticello just before the White House was burned to the ground.
tigrismus said,
April 2, 2009 at 21:25
Sad, all those joints gone to waste.
Well, yeah, but what with all the spit can you blame the finders?
actor212 said,
April 2, 2009 at 21:31
Umm, yeah, but I think you’re gonna need Africa and Russia too.
Brown people are America’s foreign policy picket fence.
The basketball play, not the garden accessory.
commie atheist said,
April 2, 2009 at 21:32
Well, yeah, but what with all the spit can you blame the finders?
But it’s really good spit.
actor212 said,
April 2, 2009 at 21:36
I’d go for Prescott Bush being shot for treason.
I dunno. We’d still be tooling around on route 66 if it wasn’t for ol’ Pressie, and Planned Parenthood probably wouldn’t exist.
Yea, Nazi sympathizer and all that, true, I’d still rather have Poppy meet some banging hot chick in a Yalie bar the night in 1945 Barbara got pregnant.
Sheesh said,
April 2, 2009 at 22:04
Hey everyone,
Imagine if you will a “diagram” consisting of three circles arranged vertically connected by two jaunty lines. The lower of these two lines is bisected by a short but wide rectangle containing a well known phrase. Here is a crude example:
I think you see where I’m going with this.
stryx said,
April 2, 2009 at 22:09
(Wetsuit.)
|
(Wetsuit.)
|
[Republican Budget Plan]
|
(Dildo.)
Sheesh said,
April 2, 2009 at 22:10
Hey Willy,
Also consider this graphic:
Sheesh said,
April 2, 2009 at 22:13
(You’re)
|
(Doin’ it)
|
[stryx]
|
(Right!)
Rusty Shackleford said,
April 2, 2009 at 22:15
Wouldn’t it make more sense to use the warp drive that will be invented in 2060 to travel back in time to when Barb and George were conceiving little Georgie, stop them from fucking and balance the budget like yesterday or am I missing something?
The mental image of George H.W. and Barb fucking may have permanently stopped me from fucking.
Rusty Shackleford said,
April 2, 2009 at 22:20
Paul Ryan’s class photo.
gocart mozart said,
April 2, 2009 at 22:35
Rusty, that was central to my point.
The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge said,
April 2, 2009 at 22:56
Prescott Bush was a Nazi sympathizer, and if I’d been around then, I would have said: “String him up, it’ll teach him a lesson!”
Of course, I would have hung Joe Kennedy from the same lamppost, so historical consequences aren’t always what you think they’ll be.
Righteous Bubba said,
April 2, 2009 at 22:59
If you shot Hitler you wouldn’t have that funny Jonah Goldberg book.
actor212 said,
April 2, 2009 at 23:10
RB,
I “won” a galley copy by coming in second in a contest at Instaputz.
I was going to submit the entire draft to the Buller-Lytton folks.
Righteous Bubba said,
April 2, 2009 at 23:16
I hope you sent flowers to the person who came first.
actor212 said,
April 2, 2009 at 23:20
He’s recovering with the liberal application of art therapy and some basketweaving.
gocart mozart said,
April 2, 2009 at 23:30
If Hitler never existed, Jonah would have had a different subtitle . . (thinking “Is Hitler in his final draft subtitle?” checks the google) Sadly No! He went with Mussolini in the end but oddly, he kept the Hitler-stache-smiley- face.
http://www.amazon.com/Liberal-Fascism-American-Mussolini-Politics/dp/0385511841
What was my point? Oh yes, if Hitler never existed people might still be sporting that style of mustache and there would be more people named Adolph.
gocart mozart said,
April 2, 2009 at 23:33
Hitlerstachesmileyface = awesome band name
gocart mozart said,
April 2, 2009 at 23:41
Speaking of subtitles, this is the actual title of Dick Morris’s new book.
I got nothing
“Fleeced: How Barack Obama, Media Mockery of Terrorist Threats, Liberals Who Want to Kill Talk Radio, the Do-Nothing Congress, Companies That Help Iran, and Washington Lobbyists for Foreign Governments Are Scamming Us … and What to Do About It (Hardcover)”
stryx said,
April 2, 2009 at 23:41
Photo Caption:
Judge, she laid out a rail this long. What was I supposed to do?
Clint said,
April 2, 2009 at 23:44
What if we did kill Hitler?
Mouthful of Kelp said,
April 2, 2009 at 23:46
He forgot The War on Christmas.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
April 2, 2009 at 23:51
Hey, he also forgot Teechin’ R Kids to do Butseks.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
April 3, 2009 at 0:02
What if we did kill Hitler?
Ha! Excellent.
The “zOMG we time travelers have screwed up and Hitler’s gonna win WWII” idea is a sort of exasperating cliché.
I wonder what it would have been like if Hitler’s ideas had actually been wiped out in WWII, instead of just the man.
Smut Clyde said,
April 3, 2009 at 0:07
What if we did kill Hitler?
Carter would have no rival for the title of “History’s greatest mnster’.
tigrismus said,
April 3, 2009 at 0:26
Lily would still have been history’s greatest Munster.
SomeNYGuy said,
April 3, 2009 at 0:30
“Fleeced: How Barack Obama, Media Mockery of Terrorist Threats, Liberals Who Want to Kill Talk Radio, the Do-Nothing Congress, Companies That Help Iran, and Washington Lobbyists for Foreign Governments Are Scamming Us … and What to Do About It (Hardcover)”
It’s the (Hardcover) that makes that title really sing.
SomeNYGuy said,
April 3, 2009 at 0:33
I wonder what it would have been like if Hitler’s ideas had actually been wiped out in WWII, instead of just the man.
Well, to stamp out an idea you really have to tamper with people’s brains.
And for that you need a right-wing talk radio show.
Another Kiwi said,
April 3, 2009 at 1:00
No Hitler = No intertubes, no Discovery Channel. Is that what we really want?
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
April 3, 2009 at 1:09
No Hitler= No Saving Hitler’s Brain.
commie atheist said,
April 3, 2009 at 1:26
What was my point? Oh yes, if Hitler never existed people might still be sporting that style of mustache and there would be more people named Adolph.
One of my favorites, but in a creepy way:
http://www.gassers.com/
gocart mozart said,
April 3, 2009 at 2:22
AdolphGasser,Inc. ?!eleventy! That has to be the absolute worst name for a business ever.
Joe Max said,
April 3, 2009 at 5:33
Yeah, it’s been a running joke in the Bay Area screen and stage trades for decades. But that really was the founder’s name, who was born before such a connection would mean anything, so you can’t even blame the parents.
actor212 said,
April 3, 2009 at 14:52
Lily would still have been history’s greatest Munster.
There’s a Munster cheese from Lily, France?
I did not know that!
actor212 said,
April 3, 2009 at 14:55
But that really was the founder’s name, who was born before such a connection would mean anything, so you can’t even blame the parents.
My mom wanted to name me after a distant ancestor, in which case I was to be named Gustav Adolph.
My dad, a WWII vet who died with shrapnel still lying near his heart, talked her out of it.
Thank God, because “Gus” would have been hard enough to live with in elementary school but once kids got wind of my middle name? Fuggedaboudit!
We ended up choosing a successor to the throne…
Smut Clyde said,
April 3, 2009 at 21:21
Only 7 million other people between actor212 and the Swedish throne!