Mar
27

Two-Minute National Review Online




Posted at 6:27 by HTML Mencken

Shorter Victor Davis Hanson: We need a new kind of leader, one who shows his independence from Wall Street by cutting rich people’s taxes.

Shorter Hans A. von Spakovsky: Executives must have a short-term economic incentive (and government subsidies) to rebuild the same businesses that short-term economic incentive caused them to destroy.

Shorter David Kahane: While President Obama-Stalin-Castro-Lenin-Tito-Ho-Che-Mao was yukkin it up with Leno, trying to sugar-coat his Communistic Satanic Communism, my family and I drank and joked, knowing that America is doomed. Are we not the epitome of sangfroid?

Shorter Larry Kudlow: We owe the stock market’s rise in the last few days to the fact that Milton Friedman’s theories are being implemented by the Fed, while Barack Obama’s policies are not — yet.

Shorter Fr. Thomas Berg & Michael Augros: We see your relaxed abortion laws, laws that make it easier for victims to sue pedophile priests, your forcing conscientious doctors to dispense emergency contraceptions, and your opposition to our opposition to gay marriage for what it all really means: you’re implementing a pogrom on Catholics.

Shorter Mario Loyola: Liberty or security? To torture or not torture? These questions were pondered deeply by the geniuses of the Bush Administration whose broad knowledge of Enlightenment philosophy led them to decide as they did. Eventually, the simple Obama will come to understand and appreciate his predecessors.

Shorter Jay Nordlinger: John Negroponte is a delightful man who regaled me with his adventures in Iraq, Vietnam, and Latin America.

Shorter Duncan Currie: Before Obama becomes totally protectionist and punishes outsourcers, he should read this unbiased and informative paper commissioned by the Business Roundtable and like-minded trade groups.

Shorter Mark Steyn: Ok, in theory perhaps, AIG exec positions could be outsourced to Indians. But demagogues who preach class warfare — people like Barney Frank — have precluded that possibility, which is just the latest way by which they are making it even worse for the little poor people by being so mean to the precious, precious rich people.

Shorter Clifford D. May: Woe to you my fellow countrymen who no longer believe in American Exceptionalism, for such loss of faith will inexorably lead to the sort of European pussification which ends character-building economic hardships and invites total Islamofascist domination.

55 Comments »

  1. Enraged Bull Limpet said,

    March 27, 2009 at 6:35

    Nice work, HTML. Your distillation is like the difference between fine Peruvian flake and gnawing on a wad of stringy leaves, and a biiig timesaver to boot.

  2. Candy said,

    March 27, 2009 at 6:40

    Dang it, just when I absolutely must go to sleep, you put up a delicious two-minute piece. Just my luck.

    Good to see you about the place, Mr. Mencken.

  3. OneMan said,

    March 27, 2009 at 6:47

    I vote for more European pussification! Down with American Exceptionalism! I can live with that.

  4. Alkali Bill said,

    March 27, 2009 at 6:58

    We point and laugh, because they are retrograde morons, poltroons, buffons, fucktards, douche nozzles, etc., etc.

    But that’s not the problem. The problem is that their constituency is so large.

  5. Enraged Bull Limpet said,

    March 27, 2009 at 7:00

    Yeah, the European Pussification line really takes me back… ah, to relive that libertine ’70s youth. Why, I remember it as if it was only yesterday! (Cue Lettermanesque dissolve)

  6. Enraged Bull Limpet said,

    March 27, 2009 at 7:04

    The problem is that their constituency is so large.

    Must be time for a constitutional abridgment, then.

  7. M. Bouffant said,

    March 27, 2009 at 7:19

    gnawing on a wad of stringy leaves

    Hey, you ever done that? Can you really give a comparison? I met some guys in Paris ’bout 40 yrs. ago who had a whole fucking suit case filled w/ leaves, but they didn’t offer to share. This was before most ‘Murkins had even heard of the stuff, myself more or less included.

    I would guess that it’s a longer but less intense high, w/o much (any?) rush. I’ve noted that sniffing results in a longer but less etc., as compared to drizzling that flake on the top of some reefer in a bowl & smoking it.

    NB: Just sayin’/askin’. On a higher spiritual plane now. But always wondered what the chewing of leaves would’ve been like. No nasty cutting materials, if nothing else.

    And now, back to N-R-O S-U-X.

  8. M. Bouffant said,

    March 27, 2009 at 7:32

    Holy Crap on a crutch!!!

    Looky here. Another solicitation for welfare, as Kristol, Kagan & Mr. Campbell Brown set up a foundation.

    (Would you marry a woman w/ two last names, one of them from a soup? Of course, if it was one of those “poor part of the family sucking up to the rich part w/ naming,” it might be OK, once the will’s been probated.)

  9. Me said,

    March 27, 2009 at 7:32

    Shorter Mario Loyola: Liberty or security? To torture or not torture? These questions were pondered deeply by the geniuses of the Bush Administration whose broad knowledge of Enlightenment philosophy led them to decide as they did. Eventually, the simple Obama will come to understand and appreciate his predecessors.

    I’ve learned to trust your shorters, which is why I will avoid that link in particular, as I’m sure the abject stupidity contained within would upset me.

  10. Enraged Bull Limpet said,

    March 27, 2009 at 7:35

    I actually have a box of “Mate de Coca” teabags in my kitchen cupboard, which a friend brought back from Peru last fall. Yes, it’s bags of powdered coca leaf, which are readily available there.

    Having drunk several consecutive cups of this tea — and assuming that the effect is somewhat comparable to chewing the leaves — I’d say that the raw leaves are to the refined commodity as sipping a cup of coffee is to mainlining several dozen dissolved Vivarin tablets. Mildly stimulative and all-around benign. My friend went on a two-week trek in the Andes, and coca leaf was a routine part of their days just as caffeinated beverages are with ours.

  11. Enraged Bull Limpet said,

    March 27, 2009 at 7:48

    Uh, not that I’ve actually tried mainlining dissolved Vivarin… that sort of thing would have been too freaky for me even back in the ’70s. Just a thought experiment.

  12. Enraged Bull Limpet said,

    March 27, 2009 at 7:54

    Alternate analogy: like the difference between choking down slimy pulque and sipping fine reposado.

    OK, I’ll shut up for awhile now.

  13. OneMan said,

    March 27, 2009 at 8:00

    Maybe it’s the difference between snorting heroin and injecting it into your eyeballs.

    Or something.

  14. Enraged Bull Ruppert said,

    March 27, 2009 at 8:04

    The fact is, I promised to shut up. But if we’re going to play analogy games, all bets are off. Snort that, libtards.

  15. M. Bouffant said,

    March 27, 2009 at 8:09

    Thanks, EB. How’d your friend get the tea back to the USSA? Even ICE wouldn’t be dumb enough to let that through, labeled as such & all. Would they?

    (Idle mumbling, no actual response necessary.)

  16. Enraged Bull Ruppert said,

    March 27, 2009 at 8:14

    I dunno how she brought it back… since it was a normal commercial item in Peru, she must have assumed that it’d be all right to throw it in the luggage and play dumb if necessary. My limited experience with international customs indicates that it’s a LOT more “casual” and full of holes than one might expect…

  17. M. Bouffant said,

    March 27, 2009 at 8:23

    It was 39 yrs. ago. Came back from Paris w/ 10 suitcases & we could’ve had them all stuffed w/ anything illicit for all the looking they did.

  18. Enraged Bull Ruppert said,

    March 27, 2009 at 8:28

    Yep, I have lots of missed opportunities to bemoan too.

  19. commie atheist said,

    March 27, 2009 at 8:46

    I vote for more European pussification!

    I vote for more European pussies, like this one:
    http://www.trekearth.com/gallery/Europe/France/photo182655.htm

  20. Doctorb said,

    March 27, 2009 at 8:46

    In New York State, a proposed new law would lift the statute of limitations in cases of sexual abuse, allowing individuals to sue institutions for abuses alleged to have taken place decades ago.

    Okay, so I am probably not a Catholic, I guess (I’m assuming they don’t send you a little certificate of latae sententiae for apostasy), but if I were, and I were writing a column purportedly defending Holy Mother Church, I would not even mention the boy-diddling because wtf? How much absence of self-awareness does it take to complain it’s unfair that your priests have longer to wait until they can stop worrying about being sued for sexually abusing kids?

    I have to admit, though, the use of “alleged” is great — oh yeah the real problem is all of those frivolous child sexual abuse lawsuits by adults who were hardly even sexually abused! That’s why we need a whole policy of secrecy and heavy-handed threats, yeah, that’s the ticket.

  21. HTML Putgrass said,

    March 27, 2009 at 8:48

    More European pussification! Down with American Exceptionalism! Signing off and heading for the tub!

  22. Republican strategist said,

    March 27, 2009 at 8:50

    Let’s hand out TIRE GAUGES. That’ll slay ‘em.

  23. Enraged Bull Limpet said,

    March 27, 2009 at 8:54

    It’s spring in the Northern Hemisphere, and once again our counties are abloom.

  24. Doctorb said,

    March 27, 2009 at 9:05

    So you can buy 25g of powdered caffeine for under 10 bucks from Fisher Science Education, and I’m pretty sure you don’t have to prove you’re a science teacher. More than 150 mg per kg of body weight (68 mg/lb) is a rather bad idea, and if you are unhealthy, which you may well be, less is also a bad idea.

    You can get 1 kilogram of food grade caffeine for $30-40 from most chemical suppliers, so they say, but I can’t be bothered to find out where. Anyway, snorting caffeine powder through a straw or a rolled-up five dollar bill (hey, grad school) will make you just as energetic, annoying, and overconfident as your friends and loved ones can possibly stand, if not more so. Hey, a squirrel!

  25. Enraged Bull Limpet said,

    March 27, 2009 at 9:24

    That’s even better, Doctorb: I wasn’t aware of those resources you cite, and Vivarin probably contains all sorts of nasty fillers contraindicative to intravenous application.

    OK, really REALLY off to bed now, despite the stimulative bent of this thread so far.

  26. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    March 27, 2009 at 9:41

    I vote for more European pussies, like this one:

    Wooo! nice tongue action.

  27. lobbey said,

    March 27, 2009 at 9:52

    European pussification, I thought we were too busy converting to islam and conducting gay, forced abortions to be pussies, I’m glad I know now!

    I would add this: Such a society is no match for the challenge of radical Islam, a surpremacist and aggressive political/religious movement with ironclad convictions about every aspect of life, and adherents willing — in many cases eager — to kill and die in pursuit of their vision. wtf, are we still running through this fucken meme, the shelf life of this wore out, oh, about 2 years ago when it was proven to be bollocks.

    oh, and PENIS

  28. Smut Clyde said,

    March 27, 2009 at 10:50

    Ah, the Stones’ European Pussification tour. Wasn’t that in 2002?

  29. Just Alison said,

    March 27, 2009 at 10:59

    Hey, nice-looking pussy!

  30. M. Bouffant said,

    March 27, 2009 at 11:13

    Just read the whole thing. “Tito.” Excellent. I’d pretty much forgotten about him. Boy, was he eeeeeeeviiiiiiiill.

    Oh, not the Jackson bro.? A Yugo? Huh?

  31. Snorghagen said,

    March 27, 2009 at 11:55

    Even shorter David Kahane:
    “Commies! Teleprompter! Barney Frank!”

    (Although Kahane failed to include any ‘Kumbaya’ references, he did throw in one ‘Pete Seeger’.)

  32. El Cid said,

    March 27, 2009 at 12:36

    I’m trying to decide if Catholics or Evangelical Protestants are the biggest fake whiners about being oppressed in the United States as a way of crying that their silly beliefs aren’t being enforced by the laws and favored by the government.

  33. Snorghagen said,

    March 27, 2009 at 13:08

    OT, but for anyone who hasn’t seen it, this actual chart from the official House GOP budget plan shows in irrefutable dollar-by-dollar detail precisely how the Republicans plan on providing affordable medical care.

    Two improved versions from commenters at Fark.

  34. Willy said,

    March 27, 2009 at 13:22

    Back in the early 80s I got the opportunity to try out about an ounce of dried coca leaves. Not stringy at all. Got a good buzz too. I was rebuilding a flagstone wall at my parents house…without chewing the leaves I got a segment of wall done about 40 ft long and 3 ft high. in about a week. With the leaves I got a section of wall done that was 40 ft. x 6 ft. in ONE DAY.

    Yeah, that shit works. FWIW, it tasted like wintergreen.

  35. Gary Ruppert said,

    March 27, 2009 at 13:43

    The fact is, liberals, I can’t wait to hear your ideas for recovery. Oh, what’s that? You have none except TAX SPEND SOCIALISM? FAIL.

  36. satch said,

    March 27, 2009 at 13:44

    Yeah, Willy, but is it still standing?

  37. D. Sidhe said,

    March 27, 2009 at 13:47

    I admit, righteously outraged defense of child-touching priests is the sort of thing you don’t expect to hear often. But, give him the benefit of the doubt. He’s probably just concerned about the repercussions for justice when juries find priestly testimony unreliable simply because they can’t remember which alter servers they were molesting that far back. A lot of these guys are pretty old, after all.

  38. Alex said,

    March 27, 2009 at 13:54

    Von Spakovsky? One of these days National Review will do a special issue where all the contributors have been indicted or at least subpoenad in a major political scandal. With a supplement where all the contributors are suspected of being agents for at least one foreign power.

  39. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    March 27, 2009 at 13:57

    Here’s a heart-warming Horatio Algers story.

    Free market at work!


    Levick said kids were being locked up for minor infractions. “A child who shoplifted a $4 bottle of nutmeg,” she said. “A child who was charged with conspiracy to shoplift because he was present when his friend was shoplifting. A child who put up a MySpace page, taunting her school administrator.”
    Ciavarella and Conahan, who face up to 7 years in prison, had devised a plot to use their positions as judges to pad their pockets. They shut down the old county-run juvenile detention center by first refusing to send kids there and, then, by cutting off funds, choking it out of existence. They then replaced the facility with a cash cow — a privately owned lockup built by the judges’ cronies — and forged a deal for the county to pay $58 million for a 10-year period for its use. At the time Conahan was serving as president judge of the Luzerne County Common Pleas Court, a position that allowed him to control the county-court budget. Ciavarella was the Luzerne County juvenile court judge.

  40. WereBear said,

    March 27, 2009 at 14:39

    It’s extraordinary how a certain mindset regards everything, every freakin’ thing, as an opportunity for commerce.

    Of course, Wal-Mart air… that stuff’s no good.

  41. Jim/The Velvet Blog said,

    March 27, 2009 at 15:08

    Hey, wait a minute … Hans A. von Spakovsky is my porn name.

  42. Prudence Goodwife said,

    March 27, 2009 at 15:30

    Even Shorter Fr. Berg-

    Hey, teachers molest kids too! Why do we get all the grief.

  43. Tom said,

    March 27, 2009 at 15:46

    There is something funny about people who say that we need to balance the budget on the backs of the poor. It’s especially funny when you hear it from Democrats. Man, those poor people must be in hysterics.

  44. Tom said,

    March 27, 2009 at 15:50

    I thought the reason for the collapse of the stock market back in September was because of Obama. And now we are finding out that recent rise in the stock market is because of the ghost of Bush’s presidency? I am so confused!

  45. Tom said,

    March 27, 2009 at 15:52

    Clifford D. May has convinced me that I would be much happier living in France.

  46. zombie rotten mcdonald said,

    March 27, 2009 at 16:27

    Sirs:

    in re teh NRO logo: when fucking a stump, one must make sure the stump won’t fuck back.

  47. zombie rotten mcdonald said,

    March 27, 2009 at 16:35

    I’m trying to decide if Catholics or Evangelical Protestants are the biggest fake whiners about being oppressed in the United States as a way of crying that their silly beliefs aren’t being enforced by the laws and favored by the government.

    They take it in turns.

  48. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    March 27, 2009 at 17:29

    their silly beliefs aren’t being enforced by the laws and favored by the government…enough.

    Fized.

  49. MzNicky said,

    March 27, 2009 at 17:40

    I’m trying to decide if Catholics or Evangelical Protestants are the biggest fake whiners about being oppressed in the United States as a way of crying that their silly beliefs aren’t being enforced by the laws and favored by the government.

    That’s lovely.

    And for extra-bonus hilariosity: Each faction KNOWS the other is GOING TO HELL!!

  50. Candy said,

    March 27, 2009 at 17:57

    Well, at least the Catholics have a left wing. The Talibangelicals, not so much.

    Catholic Worker

    There’s a big difference between the Fr. Greeley’s and the Fr. Bergs, as well.

    That being said, the refusal of the sane section of the CC to stand up to the Bill Donohue brigade is infuriating. (Although before his accident, Fr. Greeley – who was wearing his Obama cap when he got hurt – had plenty of criticism of Billy Boy.) The left needs to take a much stronger stand within the church. Of course, that’s true in the U.S. generally.

    And in fairness, there is something of an environmental movement nascent in the evangelicals. Maybe there’s hope.

  51. Rightwing Nut said,

    March 27, 2009 at 18:06

    The problem with being on the left of the CC is that every time you open your mouth you get excommunicated.

  52. Candy said,

    March 27, 2009 at 18:21

    That’s true, RB. I’ve often wondered who Andy Greeley had compromising pictures of, the way he’s gotten away with running his mouth all these years.

    Senator Tom Harkin gets threatened by Teh Bishops every election cycle.

  53. Candy said,

    March 27, 2009 at 18:21

    Um, excuse, me, Rightwing Nut, not RB. I really do need new glasses.

  54. reverter said,

    March 27, 2009 at 23:40

    I noticed Gary the Ruptured is a tweeter now! He puts the “twit” in “twitter”. My apologies if this modest joke has been made.

  55. Honus said,

    March 28, 2009 at 3:37

    zombie rotten mcdonald said,

    “in re teh NRO logo: when fucking a stump…”

    I haven’t thought about fucking a stump since I used to read Penthouse Forum back in the ’70s

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