Mar
21
21
Pass The Dust, I Think I’m Buckley1
Shorter Curtis Dahlgren:
Staying ahead of the “Television, teleprompter, tell-a-tubby Blitzkrieg” (part 3)
- “The time has come,” the clammy man said, “To talk of many things: Of shoes, and ships, and my blue Sta-Prest poly knit pants that smell of b.o. and urine; of cabbages and kings.”
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
1 Cf.
Enraged Bull Limpet said,
March 21, 2009 at 9:53
Is this is one of those tricksy Cf. postings, preciousssss? We do like deliciousss clams… and cabbages in a pinch.
Lesley said,
March 21, 2009 at 9:59
Senator Schumer has entertained passing a precedent-setting 100 percent tax” on certain
U.S. citizensgreedy financiers.who will be pleased to hear some dimbulb‘s got their back.
tensor said,
March 21, 2009 at 11:06
Being of sound mind and intending to remain that way, I don’t normally click through your links, but you really hit teh mother
lodeload this time!I wish that someone with the time to do it would find out — through a Freedom of Information request —
Please send all findings to j.loadpants@americasshittiestwebsitetm.ugh. (And snap to it; he just blew another wad of cash advance!)
Senator Schumer has entertained passing a precedent-setting “100 percent tax” on certain U.S. citizens
90 is the new 100.
exterminator Tom Delay will go to jail and former President Bush will be
impeached retroactivelyarrested and tried for war crimesF’zd. (In my wildest f*k’n dreams, that is.)
I know, I know, it’s hard to out-satirize the actual daily headlines in the news
Dude, “Sonny Bono Co-Sponsors Defense of Marriage Act” is so last decade!
This is going to be an education for this under-educated generation that is using veterinary medicine
Yes, President Bush’s appointment of a veterinarian to oversee women’s health issues has long-term consequences. (And let’s not even get started on
abstinence-onlyfaith-based sex education.)And that one was no joke!
Now it’s your turn to say that every day for eight long years! Suck. On. This!
we the People are their employers, not their
slavescannon-fodder and illegal surveillance targetsElections, consequences, etc.
thus the humor here
Objection! Assumes facts not in evidence (prior to the ‘shorter’)!
If the Missouri State Police are already “profiling” Constitutionalists and pro-lifers
They’d rather not wait until bombs destroy local medical clinics, yes.
by people who have bragged that they hung out with Marxist professors in their frat-boy days.
“Like, your assertion of a motivating force in the revolutionary vanguard needing to be subordinated to forward-thinking elements of the urban proletariat is way hurting my chances of banging that Kappa Delt!”
I write satire for the sheer fun of it,
(a) Objection!, etc. (b) Wow, I guess we’re really in a Great Recession if the wingnut welfare is running dry.
Because THEY are serious, you should be serious.
If THEY all went and jumped off a bridge, would you do it too? Huh? Woud’ja?
“10 Books That Screwed Up the World, and 5 Others That Didn’t Help”
You can’t seriously expect me to believe that John Fund ghost-wrote fifteen books for Mister Oxy C. Divorcealot!
The Descent of Man, by Charles Darwin: With “proof positive that Darwin intended his theory of evolution through ‘survival of the fittest’ to be applied to human society, so that ‘unfit’ peoples would be weeded out.”
Darwin, of course, publicly objected to such a distortion of his ideas, but as that would be a ‘fact’, we can’t expect to find it here. (On a side note, why do some evolution-deniers actually believe in Social Darwinism?)
More to come.
Don’t you threaten me!
But will this all play in Peoria?
Um, I must now admit ignorance of at least one internet traditions (sic). Do we call Fake Gary?
Grace Nearing said,
March 21, 2009 at 11:35
Do love the 10 Books That Screwed Up the World… list. I was genuinely surprised to see that Sexual Behavior in the Human Male ranked only No. 4. And the bitchy descriptor — Kinsey’s autobiography — is precious.
RvB said,
March 21, 2009 at 12:44
thanks thanks thanks for the Black Randy reference. “I Tell Lies Everyday” ought to be playing in the background whenever you’re talking apart one of these ultramontaine bloviators.
Sirius Lunacy said,
March 21, 2009 at 13:21
And DNC stands for “Do Nothing Congress.”
So…um… are they doing nothing or are they turning us all into socialists?
http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/70730/june-14-2006/better-know-a-district—georgia-s-8th—lynn-westmoreland
Prudence Goodwife said,
March 21, 2009 at 13:34
“I write satire for the sheer fun of it”
I don’t think those words mean what he thinks they mean.
Gary Ruppert said,
March 21, 2009 at 13:56
The fact is, socialism is on the march. Real Americans should be aware and rioting in revenge. Jet Your Butt down to our teabag party and follow my Tweets. Ruppert out.
J— said,
March 21, 2009 at 15:27
It’s very important that we the People do not become either jaded or over-wrought; thus the humor here.
Thank you for your work to date, Sadly, No! It is much appreciated, but we regret to inform you your services are no longer needed.
El Cid said,
March 21, 2009 at 15:35
I think it’s adorable that after 8 years of a President truly among the dumbest in history that conservatives have convinced themselves that Obama is some brainless twit who needs a teleprompter.
R. Porrofatto said,
March 21, 2009 at 15:47
This one’s a keeper. Particularly admirable is how teh Google says none of his actual daily headlines in the news occur anywhere but this particular article at Renew America.
I was going to praise your mind-bending version of the title until I saw it was concocted by our little schizoid himself. A testament to the hallucinogenic properties of basement water pipe fungus.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
March 21, 2009 at 16:04
I think it’s adorable that after 8 years of a President truly among the dumbest in history that conservatives have convinced themselves that Obama is some brainless twit who needs a teleprompter.
It’s a surprising concession to Reality on the part of wingnuts, I think. They may not be willing to admit Bush existed – let alone that they accused people of hating America for disagreeing with Bush, or that they themselves burst into tears of wonder and called him “Churchillian” after he fumbled his drunken way through every speech – but they will go as far as to admit that some president has been dopey, inarticulate and teleprompter-encrutched. It’s a little tiny echo of reality somehow seeping into the nuttery, which is impressive.
Jacob Singer said,
March 21, 2009 at 16:36
Great post up there, Tensor.
Doghouse Riley said,
March 21, 2009 at 16:37
Not just tundra…frozen tundra!
Y’know, if my beard looked like that I’d start shaving again, beginning with my eyeballs.
Arky said,
March 21, 2009 at 17:47
If you see this man loitering near a school yard, shoot him.
Fxd.
Me said,
March 21, 2009 at 18:05
He proudly quotes from his first book, entitled“No More Bull: America, Please Phone Home”. Published in 2004.
Coming soon: “Where’s the Beef?: Go Ahead, Make My Day, America…and I’ll Be Back!”.
Woodrowfan said,
March 21, 2009 at 18:07
win…
DrDick said,
March 21, 2009 at 18:10
Eureka! We have struck a mother lode of incoherent stupid here. Made the mistake of clicking through. Only read the first few paragraphs but that was enough to make my brain feel like moldy jello.
Lesley said,
March 21, 2009 at 18:13
Gary rupperteria’s followers include Karl Rove. Is that beautiful or what?
Adam said,
March 21, 2009 at 18:42
Obama just said that the Motel T gets better gas mileage than a typical modern SUV.
Except that’s not even close to true.
He’s in over his head.
J— said,
March 21, 2009 at 18:44
And the Motel 6 is totally wasteful because they leave the lights on all night long.
Dragon-Kingian Wangchuckian said,
March 21, 2009 at 18:49
“PENIS.”
-Dragon-King Wangchuck.
You know, nothing lends more gravitas to an argument like starting off with a quote of yourself. And now comes the part where I list the ten worst books in the history of bookdom.
10) Atlas Shrugged, 9) Atlas Shrugged, 8) Atlas Shrugged, 7) Atlas Shrugged, 6) Atlas Shrugged, 5) Atlas Shrugged, 4) Atlas Shrugged, 3) Atlas Shrugged, 2) Atlas Shrugged and 1) The Holy Bible.
And in closing, PENIS.
jim said,
March 21, 2009 at 18:58
He proudly quotes from his first book, entitled“No More Bull: America, Please Phone Home”
“ATTENTION: Some retailers are engaging in unlawful & unauthorized sales of first-edition paperbacks &/or hardbacks, & the publisher requests the public to assist in preventing this practise from occuring. If you bought this book & it failed to include twelve (12) Crayola Crayons, you may have bought an illegal copy. Any & all such sales should be reported to the publisher immediately.”
J— said,
March 21, 2009 at 19:05
You know, nothing lends more gravitas to an argument like starting off with a quote of yourself.
And nothing says super heavy gravitas like quoting yourself and making a syntactic error in the process.
…the people who like say that…
SomeNYGuy said,
March 21, 2009 at 19:16
Not just tundra…frozen tundra!
It’s a little better than canned, but nothing beats the fresh.
Beryllium.
Bitter Scribe, whose career has had some rough similarities to one of his favorite writers, Ferrar Fenton, said,
March 21, 2009 at 19:37
From this guy’s column:
no wonder the girls get pregnant when the boys can’t keep their pants up
Har har! We should be grateful that they’ve evolved (whoops) past that old kneeslapper, “Why is there no such thing as rape? Because a woman with her skirt up can run faster than a man with his pants down!”
The funniest part of the column, though, was at the very end:
(See RenewAmerica’s publishing standards.)
See their what?
henry lewis said,
March 21, 2009 at 19:42
I stayed within the three-paragraph limit.
Senile dribbling, however jaunty, is still senile dribbling.
Anonymous said,
March 21, 2009 at 19:45
Dahlgren:
Dahlgren was lucky. We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. I had to get up in the morning at ten o’clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill, and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah!
ignatov said,
March 21, 2009 at 19:50
Dahlgren:
Dahlgren was lucky. We lived in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. I had to get up in the morning at ten o’clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill, and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah!
Our Dead Selves said,
March 21, 2009 at 19:54
I had to stop when he mentioned Charles Manson.
ps- This guy thinks he writes satire?! I was under the impression that satire, by definition, is supposed to be funny.
Till said,
March 21, 2009 at 19:56
Are baggy falling-down pants still a thing? I’m pretty sure they’re not. I remember the old fogies complaining about that “style” when I was in elementary school (I had never actually seen anyone dressing like that), and that was over 15 years ago.
Oh, I get it. Shorter: NIGGERS!
g said,
March 21, 2009 at 20:02
But will this all play in Peoria?
he doesn’t even know what this old chestnut of a cliche means.
NutellaonToast said,
March 21, 2009 at 20:27
Till, if you never saw someone sagging in 1993, you grew up in the whitest neighborhood in Canada, man.
jurassicpork said,
March 21, 2009 at 20:35
I’m just taking a final tour of the blogosphere. I’m getting kicked out of my home and family after 15+ years and I likely won’t have net access where I’ll be going. Not that I’ll miss blogging, at all. I haven’t posted anything political in a week and don’t plan on doing so ever again. I’ll miss the b’sphere, however, if not blogging.
I’d like to thank you, guys, for all the years you’ve invested in progressive causes. I will always think this was one of the best political blogs ever.
If I’ve offended you or anyone else through my shameless blog whoring, I’m deeply sorry and I’m taking this opportunity to apologize. I only wanted a fair hearing, to be heard out and appreciated.
I don’t plan on coming back out this way since I’ll be gone by Thursday (At this writing, I don’t even know where I’ll wake on Friday morning). But if I do, it’ll be a pleasant surprise for me, if no one else.
One last observation: Has it ever occurred to anyone else that our new Treasury Secretary looks like David Lynch’s Eraserhead?
I now exit laughing, as should we all.
Cpl. Cam said,
March 21, 2009 at 20:40
I don’t know how any of you can get through a whole one of those, that was awful. The ideas, the tone, all of it. Just terrible. But this did stand out:
“I wish that someone with the time to do it would find out — through a Freedom of Information request —”
From the bio:
Curtis Dahlgren is semi-retired in the frozen tundra of Michigan’s U.P.
‘Cause lord knows if there’s one thing you don’t have when you’re semi- retired it is time.
OneMan said,
March 21, 2009 at 20:56
Beryllium.
Beryllium? I barely knew ‘im!
Also:
Hello penis, my old friend
I’ve come to play with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Spilled its seeds while I was sleeping
And the penis that was planted in my hands
Still demands
For me to play with penis
In restless dreams I walked alone
Till I ran into Sharon Stone
‘Neath the halo of a street lamp
My own pecker I did firmly clamp
When my hand was filled with the flesh of a one eyed snake
That took the cake
And touched the round of penis
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand wingnuts, maybe more
Wingnuts talking about freaking
Wingnuts yammering about Galting
Wingnuts writing articles that no one ever reads
For our eyes bleeds
And so I touch my penis
“Fools”, said I, “You do not know
My penis like a cancer grows
Sit on my lap that I might teach you
Take my ‘third leg’ that I might reach you”
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And left me
Alone, with my penis
Dreamscape women bowed and prayed
To the penis, blue in shade
And the dick flashed out its warning
To my palm it was conforming
And the prick said, “The dreams that you have should shake you to your balls
Stop wandering the halls”
And whispered in the rounds….of penis
In conclusion:
Poop!
FF said,
March 21, 2009 at 20:58
OT: And now for something completely pointless.
http://userscripts.org/scripts/show/44824
A Greasemonkey disemvoweller for wingnutty sites — for people who feel compelled to click on SN! links, but are tired of of having to bleach their eyeballs afterward.
Currently handles
http://corner.nationalreview.com/*
http://slate.com/blogs/blogs/kausfiles/*
http://www.redstate.com/*
http://hotair.com/*
http://www.renewamerica.us/*
mikey said,
March 21, 2009 at 21:24
Jeez, FF, and I thought I was bad when after 9/11 I used Comcast Parental Controls to block Fox News.
(It’s funny ’cause I live alone)…
mikey
PeeJ said,
March 21, 2009 at 21:34
Jeez, he uses a lot of euphemisms, don’t he?
He’s OPRAHFYING AMERICA!.
PeeJ said,
March 21, 2009 at 21:35
Also, is that Ted Kazinski up there?
M. Bouffant said,
March 21, 2009 at 22:05
the Motel T gets better gas mileage than a typical modern SUV.
I can’t even begin to tell you how much “mileage” I’ve gotten at the “Motel T.” (Love the ceiling mirrors, by the way.)
Till said,
March 21, 2009 at 22:46
you grew up in the whitest neighborhood in Canada, man.
It was the whitest neighborhood of Long Island, thankyouverymuch. But yeah, once high school rolled around, there was no shortage of white kids dressing and talking like the rappers they saw on MTV.
gocart mozart said,
March 22, 2009 at 7:09
I think we need fresh wingnuts to mock. I give you the editors of my local paper. Nuttier than a bag of squiral turds.
________________________________________________________
OBAMA DUMB
“During the Palace Theater performance by the legendary folk group Peter, Paul and Mary last week, singer Paul Stookey offered a mercifully brief political interlude. He was pleased there was thinking going on at the White House. George W. Bush dumb; Barack Obama smart. Everyone had heard it all before, and the applause was scattered at best.
On one issue, though, Mr. Bush is the one with the thinking cap secured firmly. Indeed, the day Mr. Stookey was delivering his presidential review, syndicated columnist Charles Krauthammer — paralyzed as a young man, he harbors a more than passing interest in medical progress — affixed the dunce cap to the right noggin.
Mr. Krauthammer and others have noted Mr. Bush thought deeply about the ethical and scientific ramifications of embryonic stem-cell research and offered arguably the most coherent overview yet given of this religiously, emotionally and intellectually charged issue. “George Bush’s nationally televised stem-cell speech (on Aug. 9, 2001) was the most morally serious address on medical ethics ever given by an American president,” Mr. Krauthammer wrote. “It was so scrupulous in presenting the best case for both his view and the contrary view that until the last few minutes, the listener had no idea where Bush would come out.”
By contrast, “Obama’s address was morally unserious in the extreme.” President Obama came out with the customary condemnation of human cloning, seemingly oblivious to the fact that by his own standard — America must resist the “false choice between sound science and moral values” — cloning makes perfect sense. “Does he not think that a cloned human would be of extraordinary scientific interest? Yet he banned it. Is he so obtuse not to see he had just made a choice of ethics over science?”
His goal seems to be to ensure the public mood, with all its inconsistencies, prejudices and zones of ignorance, does not stifle science. (Dr. Josef Mengele would have approved.) But the Bush policy stifled nothing.
He did not ban embryonic stem-cell research; he couldn’t have if he had wanted to. He just banned the use of federal funding on research into all but a few cell lines. Left to its own devices, the private sector developed dozens of treatments using adult stem cells, and came up with ways to get adult cells, voluntarily given by living donors, to replicate the behavior of embryonic cells.
Paul Stookey may believe Mr. Obama is the smartest man to inhabit the White House since that brilliant Rhodes scholar, Bill Clinton. But a president who signs an omnibus spending bill that violates two of his major campaign promises; snubs our most loyal ally, apparently by accident; and then splashes about in the shallows of what may be the most profound ethical challenge of our time, isn’t flashing his intellect.
He’s doing what he has to do to satisfy special-interest groups he hopes will get him re-elected in 2012. In other words: politics, and ethics, as usual.”
——————————————————————————–
http://www.rep-am.com/articles/2009/03/21/opinion/404652.txt
gocart mozart said,
March 22, 2009 at 7:24
This one is either pro polution or anti clothes lines. I am not sure.
_____________________________________________________
HUNG OUT TO DRY
The way the greens and the wags tell it, Connecticut’s air is filthy. Oh, they’ll concede it’s cleaner than in the 1960s, but only because of the Clean Air Act. Rarely do they give credit, however, to the Clean House Act, a 40-plus-year anthology of laws, regulations, litigation and unionism that has driven off or killed most manufacturing in this state.
Either way, they’re never satisfied, nor will they be until the air is scrubbed clean of pollutants. It’s why they constantly push for new, exorbitantly expensive standards, mandates (almost always unfunded) and government initiatives, even though their potential benefits at best would be barely discernible. The state’s $2 billion-plus push for mass transit and its efforts to fight “urban sprawl” come to mind.
Listening to their rhetoric — “air pollution from industrial sites and vehicles has been linked to ailments such as asthma, cancer and heart trouble and can lead to premature death”; “the toxic mix of airborne carcinogens and particles from diesel exhaust”; “all of Connecticut experiences unhealthy levels of smog during the summer months” — you might get the idea everyone should stay in hermetically sealed buildings.
What, then, is to be made of their argument for enshrining urban sprawlers’ (and others’) “right to dry” their laundry outside to, among other things, give their clothes that “fresher smell and feel”? Ah, toxic airborne carcinogens and particles from diesel exhaust: Time-released freshness and softness you can feel.
_____________________________________________________
http://www.rep-am.com/articles/2009/03/21/opinion/404194.txt
Rock Ostley said,
March 22, 2009 at 15:25
>I think it’s adorable that after 8 years of a President truly among the dumbest in
>history that conservatives have convinced themselves that Obama is some
>brainless twit who needs a teleprompter.
Bush and Obama are muppets. It doesn’t matter how smart they are. The important thing is that there’s a hole in back for the puppeteer to stick his hand in, and that there’s a persona in front to hold the peoples’ attention.
You all are debating whether Fozzie Bear or Kermit the Frog is smart. Our problem is that neither is real! Both are muppets.
Smut Clyde said,
March 23, 2009 at 11:54
this under-educated generation that is using veterinary medicine to induce “interruption of pregnancy”
Ah, ketamine. Is there anything it can’t fix?
Destitutionalized said,
March 23, 2009 at 16:08
I’m just trying to wrap my brain around anybody being shocked or appalled at liberal proselytizing at a Peter, Paul and Mary concert.
The Goddamn Batman Used To Think That "Adult Books" Referred To The Works Of Proust And Hemingway And Such, Until Catwoman Lent Him Some Choice Volumes From Her Very Private Library said,
March 23, 2009 at 19:27
I have it on good authority that Curtis Dahlgren* has been asked not to return to Peoria after the last time he “played” there, and by “play” I mean “committed certain acts at Swingers World adult bookstore that even the jaded habitués of that venue found rather louche.”
*Also, I’d like to steal a line from Bill Bryson and note that Curtis looks like his name should be Virgil Starkweather.
CD said,
July 6, 2009 at 16:22
As a matter of fact, Curtis Dahlgren is so old he was a tree surgeon in Peoria and environs when Richard Pryor was still a little boy in the red light district. So I’m ugly, said Yogi Berra. No one ever accused me of hitting with my face. Or tongue.