Sep
21

Ben Shapiro: Covert Agent




Posted at 17:09 by Brad

As S.Z. reported earlier today, it seems Ben Shapiro is quite upset that several FBI agents are none too enthusiastic about their new assignment as the nation’s Porn Police.

Say Ben, if you won’t enlist to fight in Iraq, couldn’t you at least sign up to fight porno for the FBI? Check it, they’re looking for recruits:

The FBI is actively looking for agents to serve on an anti-obscenity squad designed to aid them in the fight against adult pornography.

This has “new FOX sitcom” written all over it. I’m picturing Ben “The Virgin Wonder” Shapiro and Dr. Mike “Vagina Vagina” Adams starring as two inept-but-lovable anti-obscenity agents who spend their days aimlessly bumbling onto porno movie sets and clubbing the actors with dildo-shaped nightsticks.

postc_accops.jpg
Above: Officers Randy Glasscock (Mike S. Adams) and Woody Humphrey (Ben Shapiro) of THE PORNO POLICE!

The new group will gather evidence against ?manufacturers and purveyors? of pornography marketed to consenting adults.

Sounds vaguely like an infringement of privacy to me, but what do I know?

This is not your grandfather?s calendar girl-type of pornography.

Good, ’cause my grandfather moved away from that soft shit a looooooong time ago. Last I heard, he’d just bought a copy of Nursing Home Gang Bang IV: Viagra’n'Vixens.

Most of what this team of agents will be going after is hard core, criminal obscenity.

Which is defined as…?

Judith Reisman of the Institute for Media Education warns breaking this powerful industry will take effort.

“Reisman noted, ‘The porno industry has used the First Amendment to build a powerful hymen of protection for itself, making penetration extremely difficult. In order to break it, we’re going to need the long, powerful phallus of the Federal Government.”

?The pornography industry is massive.”

“More massive than Ron Jeremy’s member. More massive than a pair of quadruple D-cup boobies. We’re talking HUGE!”

?There are billions to be made on seducing our children into this. There are billions to be made on all of the breakups in the families that are coming as a result of adult pornography.?

Yes, it’s not just the pornographers, but the divorce attorneys who benefit from this plague!

Some at the Bureau are scoffing at the idea, saying it?s become a ?running joke? among agents, but Reisman says pornography is a serious problem.

I suppose it might be if there were no actual problems in the world and the government’s sole concern was finding more efficient ways of allocating puppies and ice cream to white suburban kids.

?I think people are finally making a little bit of a connection that we?re breeding rapists and murderers and it might be important to get the folks who are being stimulated by adult pornography.?

Because anyone who looks at porno is just bound to become a murderer or a rapist. We might as well lock them all up now as a precaution!

The FBI claims porn is ?one of the top priorities? of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

Which should be enough to make any sane person weep for days. God help us.

28 Comments »

  1. Dan Someone said,

    September 21, 2005 at 18:11

    In the FBI context, every agent who polices public corruption or civil rights violation is an agent not working on terrorism.

    True. So now, every agent who is policing porn will be one less agent working on terrorism, public corruption or civil rights violation.

  2. tigrismus said,

    September 21, 2005 at 18:33

    Poor Ben complains about porn the way Halliburton might complain about no-bid contracts.

  3. D. Sidhe said,

    September 21, 2005 at 18:43

    I still say we get to search Ben’s room first. Just to make sure he’s pure enough for the job.
    And, damn. Who the hell’s grandfather was into *pinup* girls? Mine was into, uh, exotic statuary. This is sad as hell. Ben is even out of touch with the *seniors*.

    More massive than a pair of quadruple D-cup boobies. We’re talking HUGE!

    I gather the insurance company photos are online too, then.

  4. Anonymous said,

    September 21, 2005 at 18:50

    “There are billions to be made on all of the breakups in the families that are coming as a result of adult pornography.?”

    Um, I think she has it the wrong way round. There are billions to be made in the adult pornography that is coming (titter) as a result of all the breakups in families.

    ?I think people are finally making a little bit of a connection that we?re breeding rapists and murderers and it might be important to get the folks who are being stimulated by adult pornography.?

    So that’s why the Netherlands is the rape and murder capital of the world. I’d been wondering about that.

  5. Libby said,

    September 21, 2005 at 18:58

    The rantings of a young man who’s jealous of those who get to see porn and get it on with fun, sexy people.

    Hey, there’s nothing wrong with looking at something sexy; I prefer erotica (which I deem more romantic and sensual than porn; that’s how I define it, anyway. Your definition may vary), and I haven’t raped or murdered anyone. And I most certainly haven’t grown hair on my palms.

    I mean, we’re humans–with the same basic instincts of animals. We have sex to reproduce, but we’re evolved enough to realize that it can be fun*, and that it can be a great stress reliever.

    Granted, there are some techniques and positions I’ll never try because I don’t think I’d be comfortable with them, and there is some porn/erotica I despise, but I’m not going out of my way to prevent people from experiencing them. Everyone has a right to try something–provided they don’t harm someone, that is, but then that’s totally out of my power, too.

    I could go on about how rape is the psychological need for power over another person that doesn’t arise from looking at porn, but Benny Boy makes me headachey.

    Wonder if he’ll ever find a girl. Hey, MJ”s single, ain’t she?

    * Unless the monkeys, apes, and dolphins have caught on. Them’s smart buggers.

  6. BillyD said,

    September 21, 2005 at 19:03

    ?I think people are finally making a little bit of a connection that we?re breeding rapists and murderers and it might be important to get the folks who are being stimulated by adult pornography.?

    Man, am I in trouble.

  7. I don't know (third base) said,

    September 21, 2005 at 19:07

    “new FOX sitcom”
    Ben gets an earful from Inspector Holden McCummin of Scotland Yard.

  8. Woodrowfan said,

    September 21, 2005 at 19:35

    Anybody who believes anything Judith Reisman writes should be given an adult guardian cause they’re likely to buy the Brooklyn Bridge or spend their entire 401K on magic retirement beans. The woman is a total nut job on porn. Crime is caused by porn. divorce=porn, global warming=porn, Hurricans=porn, the DH in baseball? porn. She’s the one who in the early 80s claimed that Playboy was child porn.

  9. Dad said,

    September 21, 2005 at 19:47

    I honestly believe that the folks who are most vocal against porn to protect “family values” also belong to the group who are most addicted to porn.

    I still remember a college friend who used to advocate chastity and all that crap drooling over an issue of playboy in my dorm. I let him borrow it and he never returned it back.

  10. Ianua Ditis said,

    September 21, 2005 at 19:56

    Did Ben say: “there’s billions to be made?”

    why does he think we have all this porn anyway? He should ask Jonah Goldberg – Its because there is a market for it.

    Why does VBen hate the free market? is he a socialist?

  11. yagi said,

    September 21, 2005 at 19:56

    Next on the hit-list: Video games. Followed by MTV. FOX will be given a pass.

  12. Anne said,

    September 21, 2005 at 20:13

    The parallels to Prohibition are so obvious that it makes me yawn. And this’ll go about as well, too.

  13. Dorothy said,

    September 21, 2005 at 20:27

    Libby,
    “Unless the monkeys, apes, and dolphins have caught on. Them’s smart buggers.”

    Do a Google search for “bonobo chimpanzees.” These are our closest living relatives.

    They are also horny, randy “omnisexuals” who spend a good deal of their time rutting anything that moves, for the flimsiest excuse.

    They also lie, cheat, and steal.

  14. Brad R. said,

    September 21, 2005 at 20:28

    Did Ben say: “there’s billions to be made?”

    No, that was Judy Reisman.

  15. Ianua Ditis said,

    September 21, 2005 at 20:37

    I know, and what I meant was that its hypocritical for any Republican to be up in arms about someone making billions off of perversion and exploitation

  16. Libby said,

    September 21, 2005 at 21:32

    Dorothy:
    Do a Google search for “bonobo chimpanzees.”

    Don’t let Ben find this site!

  17. D. Sidhe said,

    September 21, 2005 at 21:38

    The dolphins have most definitely caught on. Not only do dolphins have sex for fun, but male dolphins will apparently just bonk anything, including but not limited to female dolphins, other male dolphins, sea turtles, and humans.
    It’s weird, really. They have to know the difference between another dolphin and a sea turtle, but it doesn’t seem to stop them.
    The fetishists of the ceteacean world, I guess.

    They do not seem to lie, cheat, or steal, unlike bonobos, though, really, how would we know? They apparently do kill porpoises for fun, though.
    And you don’t even want to *know* about the male sea otters. They do stuff that would turn VBen’s hair white.

  18. The Crapture said,

    September 21, 2005 at 21:57

    I’ve said this elsewhere, but i can only wonder what kind of effect it would have on this ridiculously stupid DOJ porn hunt if we were to pursue Freedom of Information Act requests for all USDOJ purchase records pertaining to the consumption of hand-lotion and kleenex back when Ronald “I can’t Recall” Reagan had the Meese Commission doing the same thing

    get it out into the press that these “crusaders” are wanking on the public’s nickel even if not to outrage the masses than to embarass or annoy the powers that be

  19. Anonymous said,

    September 21, 2005 at 22:21

    Great choice of pic! If you go to The Smoking Gun you’ll find that Abbott and Costello’s FBI files make mention of their extensive porn collections!

  20. Uncle Mike said,

    September 21, 2005 at 23:59

    Hello, Mr. Obvious here.

    So…big government is bad, unless it’s taking away my ability to look at pictures of naked people.

    Just wanted to get my wingnut talking points straight.

  21. Ken said,

    September 22, 2005 at 0:08

    Sure, you laugh and mock now. But wait until a terrorist flies a giant butt-plug into the Sears Tower and we’re all caught with our pants down.

  22. D. Sidhe said,

    September 22, 2005 at 0:08

    Allow me to clarify, Uncle Mike.

    “Deregulation, good. Decriminalization, bad.”

  23. Anne said,

    September 22, 2005 at 0:09

    So…big government is bad, unless it’s taking away my ability to look at pictures of naked people.

    And when it protects Womb Babies.

  24. Marq said,

    September 22, 2005 at 1:48

    Because anyone who looks at porno is just bound to become a murderer or a rapist. We might as well lock them all up now as a precaution!

    Shit! That reminds me–I’ve got a boatload of killin’to do! Kill! Kill! KILL!!! Oh, yeah–and raping, too! Look out, boys! ;-)

  25. suburban refugee said,

    September 22, 2005 at 2:07

    Something tells me a lot of 14 and 15-year old boys will be calling the FBI offices, looking for a job.

  26. Special Agent Ben 'Peepshow' Shapiro, FBI said,

    September 22, 2005 at 4:13

    ‘job’, heh.

  27. Bill S said,

    September 25, 2005 at 15:38

    Ben and Mike-”inept but lovable”? Well, you’re half right anyway.

  28. BENTLEY WALLPAPERS said,

    February 2, 2006 at 10:45

    BENTLEY’S WALLPAPERS http://cancan.net MY HOME COLLECTION.

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