Say Ben, if you won’t enlist to fight in Iraq, couldn’t you at least sign up to fight porno for the FBI? Check it, they’re looking for recruits:
The FBI is actively looking for agents to serve on an anti-obscenity squad designed to aid them in the fight against adult pornography.
This has “new FOX sitcom” written all over it. I’m picturing Ben “The Virgin Wonder” Shapiro and Dr. Mike “Vagina Vagina” Adams starring as two inept-but-lovable anti-obscenity agents who spend their days aimlessly bumbling onto porno movie sets and clubbing the actors with dildo-shaped nightsticks.
Above: Officers Randy Glasscock (Mike S. Adams) and Woody Humphrey (Ben Shapiro) of THE PORNO POLICE!
The new group will gather evidence against ?manufacturers and purveyors? of pornography marketed to consenting adults.
Sounds vaguely like an infringement of privacy to me, but what do I know?
This is not your grandfather?s calendar girl-type of pornography.
Good, ’cause my grandfather moved away from that soft shit a looooooong time ago. Last I heard, he’d just bought a copy of Nursing Home Gang Bang IV: Viagra’n'Vixens.
Most of what this team of agents will be going after is hard core, criminal obscenity.
Which is defined as…?
Judith Reisman of the Institute for Media Education warns breaking this powerful industry will take effort.
“Reisman noted, ‘The porno industry has used the First Amendment to build a powerful hymen of protection for itself, making penetration extremely difficult. In order to break it, we’re going to need the long, powerful phallus of the Federal Government.”
?The pornography industry is massive.”
“More massive than Ron Jeremy’s member. More massive than a pair of quadruple D-cup boobies. We’re talking HUGE!”
?There are billions to be made on seducing our children into this. There are billions to be made on all of the breakups in the families that are coming as a result of adult pornography.?
Yes, it’s not just the pornographers, but the divorce attorneys who benefit from this plague!
Some at the Bureau are scoffing at the idea, saying it?s become a ?running joke? among agents, but Reisman says pornography is a serious problem.
I suppose it might be if there were no actual problems in the world and the government’s sole concern was finding more efficient ways of allocating puppies and ice cream to white suburban kids.
?I think people are finally making a little bit of a connection that we?re breeding rapists and murderers and it might be important to get the folks who are being stimulated by adult pornography.?
Because anyone who looks at porno is just bound to become a murderer or a rapist. We might as well lock them all up now as a precaution!
The FBI claims porn is ?one of the top priorities? of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.
Which should be enough to make any sane person weep for days. God help us.