Feb
3

Shorter Rod Dreher




Posted at 17:16 by D. Aristophanes

rod_dreher_bong
ABOVE: Dreher and “friend”

Michael Phelps is a pothead

  • Why, O Why Lord can’t I find it in my heart to do more than wag a petulant finger at smokers of the Devil’s Weed, who corrupt our youth and ‘have on their bong-cradling hands the blood of poor Mexicans’ … what sort of a Christian am I anyway?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

180 Comments »

  1. Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:21

    So, does this mean they have to recall all those Wheaties boxes now, like what happened to that championship snowboarder (although, really, finding a snowboarder on pot is like finding a conservative housewife on depressants. Not hard.)

  2. Legalize said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:24

    Dude, do you know how hard it is to get through swim practice at 5 am, NOT HIGH?!

    Sheesh.

    Pot=liberal?

    Michael Phelps =/= punk?

  3. actor212 said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:26

    Amazing. The guy is human, so the son stops worshipping him?

    I’m sure it would have been fine if Phelps had a photo draining a tankard of beer, but smoking a pipe? Jeez, imagine if he had been masturbating!

  4. OB-GYN Kenobi said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:26

    So Dreher wants to get Reverend Phelps to help him picket Michael Phelps’ swim meets? Is that it?

  5. actor212 said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:27

    In fairness, pot =/= punk, from what I recall. Punks were more into the hardcore shit like elderberry brandy.

  6. D. Aristophanes said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:28

    I just like how Dreher is constantly struggling with how he isn’t Christian enough in the freak-out vengeful sense, and now he’s beating himself up for not being naturally outraged to the nines by some young guy – gasp! – smoking weed! He blames society, etc.

  7. Cargo said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:28

    Maybe Phelps is a Libertarian.

  8. Legalize said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:29

    “So, what to make of the fact that America’s Olympic Hero got photographed getting high? This morning I tested the waters in my own house, by asking my nine-year-old, who has had a shot of Phelps swiimming in Beijing thumbtacked to the wall over his bed since the guy won his eighth medal, what he thought of the news. The kid said he was going to take the Phelps poster down, “because it’s bad to do drugs.” I was secretly relieved, and if he had said he didn’t think it was such a big deal, we would have had a father-son talk.”

    Yes, literally, wingerism is directly derived from the minds of 9 year-olds.

  9. t4toby said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:31

    I think it is a testament to how harmless pot is that a (how many times?) Olympian likes to pull tubes.

    With this episode, Phelps went from preternaturally talented DB to all around good guy in my book.

  10. D. Aristophanes said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:33

    Also, the comment from ‘Lord Karth’:

    Mr. Phelps has three things going against him, in my book. He smokes pot. He’s an alcohol abuser (that DWI conviction). He’s a mercenary athlete.

    In my practice, I’ve seen a great many people like him. Two-drug abuser, probably untreated; obsessive-compulsive issues, never had a productive job. If he came into my office, I’d refer him for treatment, pronto. …

    Under no circumstances would I associate with him socially, nor would I allow any member of my House to do so. Take away the media frenzy, and this person is revealed as seriously damaged goods.

    Somehow I think Michael Phelps will get by fine despite Lord Karth’s shunning.

  11. D.N. Nation said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:34

    Interestingly, I have a colleague at the newspaper who is a political and cultural liberal, and indeed an atheist, who gets really cheesed off at stories like this one. Why? Because he covered Latin America for many years, and he believes quite fervently that Americans like Michael Phelps have on their bong-cradling hands the blood of poor Mexicans and others murdered by the drug cartels. Can’t say that his point isn’t valid.

    Except we’re talking about Whacky Tobacky here, which doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with drug cartels. Phelps could have had some home-grown stuff for all we know.

    The ragegasm over this is ridiculous. Thankfully his sponsors are playing it cool.

  12. bayville said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:34

    Crunchy: A lefty friend says Phelps is enabling mass murderers.

    Interestingly, I have a colleague at the newspaper who is a political and cultural liberal, and indeed an atheist, who gets really cheesed off at stories like this one. Why? Because he covered Latin America for many years, and he believes quite fervently that Americans like Michael Phelps have on their bong-cradling hands the blood of poor Mexicans and others murdered by the drug cartels.

  13. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:34

    ‘have on their bong-cradling hands the blood of poor Mexicans’

    People getting sniffy about Wal-Mart however…

  14. Jake H. said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:35

    Under no circumstances would I associate with him socially, nor would I allow any member of my House to do so. Take away the media frenzy, and this person is revealed as seriously damaged goods.

    Remove the small detail that he is the most decorated American Olympian of all time, and there’s nothing to this guy!

  15. bayville said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:35

    D.N. Nation beat me to it.

  16. actor212 said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:35

    D.

    Read the good Lord’s comment again.

    He’s a psychotherapist!

  17. D.N. Nation said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:36

    I was secretly relieved, and if he had said he didn’t think it was such a big deal, we would have had a father-son talk.

    It’s not such a big deal. You should have the Crunchy Chat with me, Roddy.

  18. actor212 said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:37

    Remove the small detail that he is the most decorated American Olympian of all time, and there’s nothing to this guy!

    But of course, it’s OK to elect a cokehead to President. Three times in a row now, altho I suspect Dreher would gladly trade in the third one.

  19. Michael G. said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:37

    Personally, I’m sorry that he apologized. The best part of the whole incident is the dissonance between the “drugs will ruin your life and health” and “n-time gold medalist”.

  20. Anonymous said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:37

    And then there’s a commenter called Badger who laments that it’s harder to lock people up for loitering since the Civil Rights Movement …

  21. Mark Spitz said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:39

    Hey, if anyone’s earned a toke.

  22. D. Aristophanes said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:40

    Yes, in Lord Karth’s professional opinion, there’s no way a wastrel like this Phelps kid will ever amount to much.

  23. biff diggerence said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:44

    I find the services at the Church of the Herb much more uplifting.

  24. Legalize said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:45

    Daniel

    February 2, 2009 3:33 PM
    “Prohibition.”

    It’s not about the substance or the rationale of the law, but whether it is legal or not. While I like to teach my kids abstract reasoning and understand that alcohol and pot and smoking are all harmful but some are legal and some are illegal despite the inconsistency, it is completely rational for you to tell your 9yo that if it is illegal, it’s bad.

    ___________

    Yeah, wingers like Daniel are the REAL non-conformists.

  25. g said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:47

    I don’t actually give a fuck about Michael Phelps, but the idea that these fucking losers are tut-tutting about what a slacker this Olympic gold medalist is, is comedy gold.

  26. The Cat said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:55

    I don’t actually give a fuck about Michael Phelps

    To be fair, his “I’m so sorry, what a mistake, I’ll never do it again” statement was some hilarious bullshit.

  27. MzNicky said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:58

    Hell hath no fury like a wingnut who’s had his media-driven narrative fucked with.

  28. El Cid said,

    February 3, 2009 at 17:58

    Holy sh*t did NORML just pick up a helluva (involuntary) athletic endorsement!

  29. Rusty Shackleford said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:01

    We should absolutely crucify 23-year-olds who do this evil deed.

    Just not retroactively, please.

  30. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:01

    Does this explain why he eats so damn much?

  31. papa zita said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:06

    This drug cartel nonsense is really insulting. Pot isn’t that profitable. I live in CA, and I don’t think I ever smoked anything but homegrown. People grow it around here as a moneymaking hobby. Some I know have gotten very comfortable from doing so.

  32. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:09

    Shorter Rod:
    I hate that the fucking dirty hippies are right about pot being no big deal, but fuck if I’m going to side with them over decriminalization.

  33. Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:09

    Besides, aren’t the organized crime cartels their friends? They’re a bunch of right-wing ultranationalist shitbags the world over. Seriously, if Phelps was supporting a Latin American drug cartel with his dime-bag, he’s probably funding half a dozen anti-leftist paramilitary groups in Chile.

  34. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:13

    This drug cartel nonsense is really insulting. Pot isn’t that profitable.

    It really depends on where you live. Yes, there are criminals who kill who trade in pot and make money doing it: that’s pretty obvious. Nobody, however, knows where the stuff in Phelps’s pipe came from.

  35. woody said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:15

    I blame myself for Rod Dreher.

    He was a student in a journalism class I taught at LSU back in the mid 80s.

    I could have flunked him.

    But I didn’t…

    Who could ever have anticipated this?

  36. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:16

    Haha. RB said Phelp’s pipe came.

  37. tigrismus said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:20

    Read the good Lord’s comment again.

    He’s a psychotherapist!

    Nothing says “well-adjusted adult” like calling yourself “Lord”.

  38. tigrismus said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:21

    Also, my best SAT score was after a pot party. Got me two scholarships.

  39. Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:21

    Psychotherapists are the ones who need the most of it.

  40. Marco said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:24

    Who wants to get high as a kite and win 14 gold medals? Phelps does, motherfuckers.

  41. D.N. Nation said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:25

    I blame myself for Rod Dreher.

    He was a student in a journalism class I taught at LSU back in the mid 80s.

    I could have flunked him.

    But I didn’t…

    Who could ever have anticipated this?

    I had a mass com law prof in college who always felt bad that Danger Mouse obviously didn’t learn anything from him.

  42. woody said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:26

    No Pot smoking does NOT make you a <a href=”http://thewell-armedlamb.blogspot.com/2008/11/smoking-weed-makes-you-lazy-loser.htmlLazy Loser. I defended both my ph.d. dissertation and my masters thesis while buzzed.

  43. Bob Clark said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:26

    Woody. You bastard.

  44. D.N. Nation said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:26

    And since the Blart phenomenon has migrated to every new thread…

    Blarts Barkley.

  45. woody said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:26

    No Pot smoking does NOT make you a Lazy Loser. I defended both my ph.d. dissertation and my masters thesis while buzzed.

  46. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:27

    Mexican drug cartels: source of all pot.

  47. woody said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:29

    There will no peace on the US/Mexico border until and unless BOTH countries at least decriminalize–if they cannot legalize–marijuana…

  48. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:31

    Blartijuana
    Blartijane
    Light up a Blart
    Blartapulco Gold
    Blartoponic

  49. mingo said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:32

    I got a 92 on a 2-semester organic chemistry final after indulging in a beer-tequila-pot bacchanal the day before. I realized that evening I was not about to hunker down and study 2 semesters of organic chemistry. Full disclosure: the test was multiple choice, and I had this weird what-me-worry attitude on the test, which probably explains the high score.

    Blartsploitation!

  50. actor212 said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:34

    This just in….

    14 time Olympic Blart medalist Michael Blart apologized today for having smoked blartijuana (thanks, D-K!). He said he was sorry for his “reblartable behavior” and would never ever let it blart again.

  51. mingo said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:39

    the blartidemic appears to have spread to our hosts. perhaps they had better get another thread up before this one devolves into another blartfest…

  52. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:39

    I have to say that Michael Phelps being a pothead is less surprising than that snowboarder from B.C. – but not by all that much.

  53. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:40

    this one devolves into another blartfest…
    a SlartiBLARTfest.

  54. tigrismus said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:43

    No Pot smoking does NOT make you a Lazy Loser.

    It apparently does wreak havoc on one’s HTML abilities, though.

  55. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:44

    It always surprises me to find that world-class athletes smoke anything at all. I figured they’d be more into non-lung-damaging administration like brownies.

  56. actor212 said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:45

    a SlartiBLARTfest.

    *tipping hat*

    I had waited three days to work that in, and you beat me to it.

  57. Mister DNA said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:47

    Radley Balko wrote an awesome letter of notpology on Phelps’ behalf.

  58. Michael G. said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:48

    “SlartiBLARTfest”

    I heard Adams originally was going to have the character named “Sniveling Fuckface”, but they wouldn’t let that on the air. The original version makes Dent’s reaction to learning the name make more sense.

  59. Mister DNA said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:51

    Since wordpress is high on teh PCP, google “Radley Balko Micheal Phelps” for a letter Balko wrote on Phelps’ behalf. It’s chock full of win.

  60. Legalize said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:54

    I could not have gotten through law school and my first bar exam without a little assistance. On the other hand, I might have been on time to class more often without said help.

  61. Blart B. "Blart" McBlart said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:56

    STOP SAYING BLART

  62. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 3, 2009 at 18:59

    For Mister DNA, apparently WordPress seems to let me do the occaional link so:
    Radley Balko’s letter for Michael Phelps.

    It is indeed full of win. All that’s missing is a finally paragraph that says:
    “Besides I can kick all your scrawny asses with my eyes fucking closed – you dipshit l00zzors.”

  63. Mr. Wonderful said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:02

    ” nor would I allow any member of my House to do so.”

    What, like the House of Harkonnen? I love these guys.

    But, dude: A House is not a home.

  64. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:09

    I heard Adams originally was going to have the character named “Sniveling Fuckface”, but they wouldn’t let that on the air.

    He wrote in the notes to the Radio Scripts that he wanted the character’s name to sound like a naughty word without actually being one, so he started with something unbroadcastable (IIRC, “Fartifuckballs”) and fiddled it around.

  65. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:11

    …the idea behind Slartibartfast being that he was an old man with some sort of haunting problem, and that that problem should be his name.

  66. PeeJ said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:14

    He’s a psycho therapist!
    Fxd.

  67. mingo said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:14

    Slartibartfast

    knew if I hung around long enough, someone would explain this. now I have exposed myself as someone who has not read HGTTG.

    *slinks away*

  68. Mister DNA said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:16

    Dragon-King Wangchuck,

    Thanks for posting the link for me. I don’t know why WordPress ate my link; maybe I shouldn’t have tagged the URL as “F|||R|||E|||E V1AGR@”.

  69. PeeJ said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:19

    I love GoogleAds. At the Agitator (see DKW’s link above):

    Weed Drug Rehab
    Individualized Treatment at the largest treatment center in the USA

  70. Admiral James T. Kirk said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:22

    BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART

  71. Southern Beale said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:23

    Personally I don’t care if Michael Phelps enjoys regular bong hits for Jesus or not. Hey, I went to college once too.

    :-)

    But I do find the reaction from his corporate sponsors and right wingers interesting. I have to wonder what the reaction would be were Phelps not that “nice Midwestern white boy” who “won America’s hearts.”

    I dunno, tell me I’m wrong …

  72. Rusty Shackleblart said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:35

    But I do find the reaction from his corporate sponsors and right wingers interesting. I have to wonder what the reaction would be were Phelps not that “nice Midwestern white boy” who “won America’s hearts.”

    He’d be a “thug.” Just ask Ricky Williams.

  73. zeppo said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:38

    The wingers are going to have a big shock handed to them if they start looking into the freestyle snowboarding party animals of the Winter Olypmics. Those half-pipe dudes even give interviews while fully baked, it seemed to me the last Olypmics.

  74. D. Aristophanes said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:42

    Blartking News: Lord Karth asked me over at Dreher’s Dump if I would let Michael Phelps ‘court’ my daughter … to which I replied:

    Well, I don’t have a daughter, but I do have two sons who I’m raising to be gay … and, no I sure as hell wouldn’t let Michael Phelps court them, so you have a convert and an admirer in me, sir.

  75. Loneoak said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:43

    Shorter Rod Dreher:

    “Drugs are bad, mmmkay.”

  76. The Goddamn Batman Wouldn't Mind All That Much If Christian Bale Took A Few Bong Hits If It Would Chillax Him The Fuck Out, For Fuck's Sake Chris, It's Just A Goddamn Terminator Sequel said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:44

    Dude, when I was Phelps’ age, I could barely find the motivation to make my eight AM class. The only one who has a right to complain is the person taking the order at the pizza place that Phelps calls when he’s baked, because he takes fifteen minutes to explain that the pepperoni has to go under the cheese because he’s giggling so hard. I mean, we’ve all done that, right?

  77. Capablanca said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:45

    Fucking Dreher! I should turn him into a warthog.

  78. actor212 said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:45

    if I would let Michael Phelps ‘court’ my daughter

    Lemme think…Michael Phelps, set for life, multimillion dollar endorsement deal, the IOC accepted his apology, 14 time Olympic medalist, world famous, as opposed to the usual drek my daughter brings home.

    Oh. Hell. Yea.

  79. Loneoak said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:48

    I do have one complaint about Phelp’s behavior: what the hell is he doing smoking pot around cameras?

  80. Rusty Shackleblart said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:50

    Your response to Lord Karth, along with some other Sadly responses, has already been deleted, D.

  81. Xecklothxayyquou Blartchrist said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:50

    Those half-pipe dudes even give interviews while fully baked, it seemed to me the last Olypmics.

    The perfect crime! Got to be easy to get away with, since athletes as a class have never been famous for speaking well.

  82. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:53

    Your response to Lord Karth, along with some other Sadly responses, has already been deleted, D.

    Looks there to me.

  83. Xecklothxayyquou Blartchrist said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:53

    I mean, we’ve all done that, right?

    LOL! Haven’t done it myself, but have witnessed it many times. On one occasion, my roommate ended up refusing to order a pizza because he’d call a place, say some ridiculous stoner thing and get laughing, then get so embarrassed he’d hang up and refuse to call back. So then he’d pick another pizza place and call them, etc. etc. until we’d exhausted them all with no pizza on the way. We ended up raiding the freezer and, miraculously, not getting sick.

  84. Michael Phelps said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:54

    Truth be told, I’ve only been stoned once – from 2001 to now.

  85. Rusty Shackleblart said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:56

    The Aristophanes responses show up on the “recent comments” page but not on the full comment thread. At least on my computer. Perhaps my faith is weak.

  86. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:59

    if I would let Michael Phelps ‘court’ my daughter
    Actually Michael Phelps looks kinda dorky, except from the neck down. I mean this in the most heterosexual way possible, but I’d have no problems with Michael Phelps courting me.

  87. Rusty Shackleblart said,

    February 3, 2009 at 19:59

    Oops… all the comments are back now. Allah akbar!

  88. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:00

    Stop blarting that joint.

  89. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:04

    Allahu AkBlart!
    Blart to the Infi-blart!
    Blart-lam is the Light!

    Is it much farther Papa Blart?

  90. PeeJ said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:06

    DKW – there’s always the put-a-bag-over-his-head option. Added advantage in that it discourages him from speaking.

    Also, wrt Mr. Phelps, I know for a fact that Greg Louganis smoked more than pole.

  91. D. Aristophanes said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:07

    Blarter, can you spare a dime-bag?

  92. zeppo said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:11

    Jelly filled blarts, the ones with the creme icing, are REALLY good after a doob or two.

  93. Legalize said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:11

    OT but down goes Daschel. Can’t say I’m sad. One less feckless Dem / Bush appeaser standing in the way of progress.

  94. Rusty Shackleblart said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:11

    In another display of his devlish mindblarting powers the wily Overlord Hussein X (pbuh) has nominated yet another human Republican to his throbbing fascist Koranoburo.

  95. Enraged Bull Limpet said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:21

    True story: Phelps secretly trains in a pool filled with bongwater.

    Hey, it’s a rare sunny winter day here in the Pacific Northwest! Maybe I’ll don some tea shades and venture out to tidy up the garden.

  96. alec said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:23

    In another display of his devlish mindblarting powers the wily Overlord Hussein X (pbuh) has nominated yet another human Republican to his throbbing fascist Koranoburo.

    Is that the one who’ll give the Democrats a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate?

    I mean, doubtless Reid will somehow find a way to let the entire cloture thing slide just this once for every bill any Republican dislikes. The man could find a way to have his party’s bills filibustered by the Libertarian Party. But seriously…

  97. J— said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:24

    Stop now, Michael Phelps! It’s a slippery slope, man, and if you keep this up you’ll end up with your mom’s house turned into a grow site and on the lam in Thailand.

    BUDAPEST, Hungary (AP) — Peter Farkas, a 1992 Olympic Greco-Roman wrestling champion from Hungary, is wanted for arrest after walking out of a courthouse before receiving a five-year prison sentence on a drug charge.

    A Hungarian court issued a European arrest warrant Monday. The 40-year-old Farkas may have escaped to Thailand, according to Hungarian news reports.

    Farkas and brother Karoly were sentenced Nov. 3, but both left court before the sentence was read by the judge. Karoly was later detained by police but Peter remains at large.

    In 2004, police found thousands of marijuana plants and processing equipment in their mother’s house. At the time, police described it as the largest marijuana plantation found in Budapest.

    In other news, Jamaican athletics officials are considering banning smoking at all track and field events out of concern that second-hand smoke will give athletes positive drug test results. This would include both tobacco and marijuana. Bruce James, head of MVP Track Club (Kingston), wonders about the possible ganja ban, “But it’s interesting. How can you come up with a ban for something that’s illegal?”

  98. alec said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:27

    Also, someone kick Kagan in his hilariously tiny balls. “Wah, Hussein X isn’t literally robbing widows and orphans to buy a billion jillion new submarines!!”

  99. alec said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:29

    Oh, beautiful. Now the people behind that fucking abortion the F-22 are trying to push the idea of blue-sky air-superiority research and production as ‘creating new jobs’ and insisting it has to be protected from the scary Dhimmicrats.

    God, this is disgusting. Like we fucking need to spend billions of fucking dollars on fucking stealth fighters.

  100. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:31

    Convenience stores the world over are restocking in anticipation of new strains of pot from Hungary.

  101. Me said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:34

    The time is not far off when one of these successful athletes simply states, “Yeah, I blaze. So what? It obviously doesn’t hurt my performance, so what’s the issue?”.

    I really wish Phelps had said that, but he’s young and has many millions of endorsement dollars still ahead of him, so I guess I can’t blame him. In the meantime, we’ll just continue with the cognitive dissonance of claiming that hugely successful high-achievers (pardon the expression) are actually “losers” because of their recreational pot use.

  102. handy said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:39

    On a related note, Joe the Plumber has found new work as a policy consultant to DC Republicans. Life is good!

  103. PeeJ said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:41

    Blarter, can you spare a dime-bag?

    Ask one of these folks.

  104. alec said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:43

    I like how basically every photo of him makes him look like an impotent caricature of Mussolini.

    Lord, what I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall in that room. Flies don’t have ears, see.

  105. Cowalker said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:48

    “Lord” Karth:

    In my practice, I’ve seen a great many people like him. Two-drug abuser, probably untreated; obsessive-compulsive issues, never had a productive job. If he came into my office, I’d refer him for treatment, pronto. …

    That history sounds so familiar. Where have I heard of a similar history before?

  106. Homer Simpson said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:49

    BLAARRRRTTTTT!!! Why you little

  107. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:50

    Drug-user president #3 in a row, yes?

  108. jimmiraybob said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:52

    Interestingly, I have a colleague at the newspaper who is a political and cultural liberal, and indeed an atheist, who gets really cheesed off at stories like this one. Why? Because he covered Latin America for many years, and he believes quite fervently that Americans like Michael Phelps have on their bong-cradling hands the blood of poor Mexicans and others murdered by the drug cartels.

    Social justice? I would throw in the product-cradling hands of banana, pineapple, sugar products and WalMart sweater abusers.

  109. John D. said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:53

    My apologies for the non-Michael Phelpsiness of the oncoming post, but I am about to direct a film of my own script that I have entitled, “Blart’s Eleven”, and I wanted you all to know about it.

    The Premise: Disgruntled (but lovable!) security guard Paul Blart, fed up with the wicked liberalness of the modern world, decides to pull off one last hiest in order to save Pie-Jammers Media Group, Modern Conservatism’s only hope against the ultra-leftist Obama Presidency. He chooses his target carefully during his nightly patrol at the local Mall, and immediately gathers the Bestest and Brightest of the Wingnut Right to pull off…the Crime of the Century!!!!!

    There follows a montage (set to bouncy pop music) in which Blart recruits his operatives, one by one: John “Ray” Romano as Riley O’Retard, aka “the Muzak Man” (whose catchy tunes will distract Security as his confederates pull off their Big Caper), Doug Ten Nipples as Earthworm Jam Sandwich (the tech expert), Anderw McCarthy as ‘Fat Face’ Malone, aka “Greasey Fingers” (his sticky, food covered fingers make him the best pickpocket of his generation!), the Anchoress as Tits Magee (the Fleshy Femme Fatale), the Ol’ Perfesser as Himself (he’s the, er “Brains” of the operation), Emporer Misha as Piggums Tate (his fancypants, high-falutin’ diction may come in handy), Tom Daschle as Tax Cheat Charley (his tendency to give thorough tongue baths to anyone willing to call themselves a Republican is most gratifying), L’il Debbie as Fatso Hannigan (the Fleshier Femme Fatale), Michell Malkin as Schreechy Ho (her appeal lies in her obvious psychosis) and finally, Micahel Novak as the First Runner Up in the Dick Cheney Lookalike Contest. And Blart makes Eleven.

    The plotters meet, and Blart shows them a crudely sketched (in crayon) map of their target: The Mall Water Fountain. “I know for a fact that the Fountian’s coin intake every night is as high as $30 dollars…and sometimes, $35 dollars” he smugly tells his associates. L’il Debbie gasps, “That’s almost double the amount Pie-Jammers Media takes in in a whole year!” They go over their Plan, which is as intricate as a Swiss Watch: They all show up at the Mall dressed as Santa Claus, each and every one of them, and then proceed to loot the Fountain! Why, in the Christmas rush, no-one will ever suspect a thing!

    Unfortunately, it’s the middle of July, so they do stand out a tad more than expected. The film ends happily, with the entire cast being machine-gunned to death by the local cops, who mistake them for foreigners. The only survivor is Blart…Will he plan another Epic Scheme to avenge his fallen comrades in “Blart’s Twelve”? Stay tuned, motherfuckers!

  110. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:54

    I would throw in the product-cradling hands of banana, pineapple, sugar products and WalMart sweater abusers.

    DON’T FUCK WITH MY SUGAR.

    Also pineapples are very nice, especially on a yummy pizza.

  111. alec said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:57

    Drug-user president #3 in a row, yes?

    In fairness, as a USAF man Bush Sr had the first generation of drugs with which man had begun to better the Almighty (various relatives of crank) readily available, their use actively encouraged by the service. (Anyone falling asleep on a bomber is a horrid prospect.)

    Reagan worked in Hollywood, you figure it out.

    Really, if you go back to the last gasp of the Great Binge – the Edith G.B. Wilson administration, say – probably the only men in the office without either the service or the character necessary to be snorting, popping, smoking, or injecting something – are Harding and Ford.

    If a man who you know has been clean all his life makes it into the White House, emigrate.

  112. PeeJ said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:57

    I’ll do my best to comply. Who’s your sugar?

  113. jim said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:57

    Going ballistic over a record-breaking Olympic athlete smoking Teh Evil Weed With Its Roots In Hell … while about 70% of their fellow Americans (if they were educated as to its numerous benefits & relative innocuousness) would happily opt to legalize it? Go Wingnutz Go! Stoopid-Powers, ACTIVATE!

  114. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:00

    Reagan worked in Hollywood, you figure it out.

    I can believe that that guy was enough of a stick-in-the-mud that there are no interesting stories at all involving him.

  115. zeppo said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:04

    So, it’s O.K. that NOLA drowned after Hurricane Katrina, but somehow, we are supposed to be all upset and all if someone, somewhere that might be a role model to someone else, smoked pot?

    This country’s priorities are all out of whack, you know?

  116. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:07

    Also point whatever of a percent of birth control in a bill that spends a trillion is the thing that cannot be tolerated.

  117. actor212 said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:11

    new strains of pot from Hungary

    Ja! Ve haff der Budapest Purple…

  118. zeppo said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:11

    There must be some good stories about Reagan’s Holllywood days somewhere…. Maybe something with Bonzo the chimp? Or when he was a spokesman for 20 Mule Team Borax (whatever the hell THAT was).

    Nancy Davis really wasn’t that good in Donovan’s Brain. She wasn’t even very pretty back then.

  119. actor212 said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:12

    probably the only men in the office without either the service or the character necessary to be snorting, popping, smoking, or injecting something – are Harding and Ford.

    Carter? Nixon?

  120. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:12

    Nancy Davis really wasn’t that good in Donovan’s Brain. She wasn’t even very pretty back then.

    Yeah, but she at least has “best head in Hollywood” stories.

  121. zeppo said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:17

    Saaayyyy….

    Who gave Edith Head?

    Or, for that matter, who did Lucille Ball?

  122. Irion said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:18

    Phelps smoking pot is really disappointing. I would have expected much more from him, like snorting blow off Dara Torres’s ass.

  123. Oregon Guy said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:20

    Never liked Phelps until now.

  124. actor212 said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:23

    zeppo said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:11

    Well, like all good Republicans, he was balling Nancy before he was married. Patti was born seven months after the marriage.

  125. alec said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:28

    Carter? Nixon?

    Both in the Navy in the same period. You hear about the drugs in Vietnam because Vietnam went to shit, not because it was particularly druggy; the two-decade orgy of violence between the Marco Polo Bridge Incident to the Korean ceasefire was basically the high-water mark of everything man took pleasure in doing, and at the time the only mind-altering substances America was in the business of worrying about were pot and alcohol.

    Mind you, that kind of high-water mark tends to coincide with a nadir for civilization, but it’s all about context. Phelps wasn’t smoking pot in order to more efficiently shove a bayonet up a Chinese civilian’s genitals, so…

  126. kiki said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:28

    Who gave Edith Head?

    Or, for that matter, who did Lucille Ball?

    Who knows? Brian May, but Walt Disney.

    (Only works with Scottish accent)

  127. Smut Clyde said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:29

    I lost all respect for Paul Erd?s when I discovered that he used amphetamines.

  128. actor212 said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:31

    Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 3, 2009 at 20:04

    Allahu AkBlart!
    Blart to the Infi-blart!
    Blart-lam is the Light!

    DISCLAIMER TO ALL MUSLIN TERRARISTS

    Please take your vengeance out on Dragon-King.

  129. Mister DNA said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:32

    I lost all respect for Paul Erd?s when I discovered that he used amphetamines.

    I feel the same way about Lemmy Kilmister.

  130. Smut Clyde said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:35

    Jelly filled blarts, the ones with the creme icing
    Ich bin eine Blartliner!

    Convenience stores the world over are restocking in anticipation of new strains of pot from Hungary.
    Pizza shops the world over are restocking in anticipation of new strains of pot from Greece.

  131. alec said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:37

    I lost all respect for Paul Erd?s when I discovered that he used amphetamines.

    So did Hunter Thomson. They’re good drugs for high-intensity assholes or working stiffs. I’m neither, but I don’t like how deeply invested we are as a society in pretending we’re anything other than various molecules spending all day trying to molest each other.

  132. Till Eulenspiegel said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:44

    Dude, when I was Phelps’ age, I could barely find the motivation to make my eight AM class.

    I’m a few weeks older than Phelps, and I consider any day I get up before 11am a major achievement.

  133. alec said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:47

    CRIME IS EVERYWHERE! CRIME! CRIME!

  134. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:57

    Lord Karth is teh fonny, if only he’d smoke up, he could express himself in Seussian fashion…

    Would you let him court your daughter?
    He’s a bum when not in water.

  135. zeppo said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:58

    This discussion really makes me want to get out my old Cheech and Chong records.

    You know, Sister Mary Elephant is pure comic genius….

  136. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 3, 2009 at 21:59

    Please take your vengeance out on Dragon-King.
    If my “Mohammed as the King of Queens” cartoon wasn’t enough, now you terra-appeasing lefties are sending your minions of Islamofascism to get me.

  137. actor212 said,

    February 3, 2009 at 22:01

    now you terra-appeasing lefties are sending your minions of Islamofascism to get me.

    I like my minions sauteed with liver, but I like them sliced on hamburger.

  138. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 3, 2009 at 22:05

    He’s a bum when not in water.

    I think you know what my preference is,
    When I say to “check for references”

    I am much more fond of
    Folks licensed and “bonded”

    You see, I have my obliGAYtions
    To engage in fellations

  139. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    February 3, 2009 at 22:17

    On a related note, Joe the Plumber has found new work as a policy consultant to DC Republicans. Life is good!

    Hopefully he’ll do as well for the GOP as he did for Pajamas Media.

  140. LittlePig said,

    February 3, 2009 at 22:49

    Is it much farther Papa Blart?

    Full.Of.Win

  141. M. Bouffant said,

    February 3, 2009 at 23:05

    Super Bowl XLIII MVP Santonio Holmes, as mentioned in today’s Incredible Shrinking Newspaper’s® Sports Section (six pp.):

    Holmes, voted the game’s most valuable player, looked fresh and chipper early Monday morning when he met with about 40 bleary-eyed reporters and photographers for the traditional most-valuable-player news conference.

    He talked about redeeming himself, both for his misdeeds earlier in the season — the Steelers suspended him for a week after police nabbed him for marijuana possession — and for the pass that slipped through his hands on the play before the winning touchdown.

    Well, he let the previous pass slip through. See!!?!?

  142. Smut Clyde said,

    February 3, 2009 at 23:08

    non-lung-damaging administration
    Either a bandname, or an election promise.

  143. Rusty Shackleblart said,

    February 3, 2009 at 23:13

    His latest post makes it sort of clearish that Lord Karth is a criminal defense attorney, and not a therapist of some sort.

  144. Righteous Bubba said,

    February 3, 2009 at 23:13

    Cello Scrotum deserves a shot at band-name use.

  145. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    February 3, 2009 at 23:20

    Best ‘graf EVAH:

    A BMJ spokesman said the inclusion and subsequent debunking of “cello scrotum” had “added to the gaiety of life”.

  146. Smut Clyde said,

    February 3, 2009 at 23:28

    Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer “gaiety of nations” with 12,600 Google-hits.
    “Gaiety of life” — merely 3,570 Ghits.

  147. Dragon-King Wangchuck, debunk my cello scrotum said,

    February 3, 2009 at 23:31

    Well, I guess we’ll just have to debunk 9031 more cello scrotums.

    Heh, Smut Clyde’s talking about hits in the pot thread.

  148. M. Bouffant said,

    February 3, 2009 at 23:54

    merely 3,570 Ghits

    That’s still a lot of gits.

  149. PeeJ said,

    February 3, 2009 at 23:56

    Gosh. Makes me wonder about my previous “diagnoses” for sousaphone bone, digeridoo lap and virginal crotch.

  150. zeppo said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:02

    I hate to think what might happen with a triple contrabass.

  151. PeeJ said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:02

    Oh my. The things one stumbles across. How is I never knew of the Katzenklavier?

  152. Smut Clyde said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:04

    I have to admit that my first reaction to “cello scrotum”, before I followed RB’s link, was to wonder what these body-modification people will think of next.

  153. actor212 said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:06

    Makes me wonder about my previous “diagnoses” for sousaphone bone, digeridoo lap and virginal crotch.

    And tuba boobs.

  154. D. Aristophanes said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:06

    Comment threads about marijuana are a gateway blart.

  155. actor212 said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:07

    Certainly you’ve heard of the mouse organ, tho?

  156. Smut Clyde said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:09

    Time for a Bhit.

  157. WaPo OpEd Board said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:13

    We literally died laughing the first time we saw that mouse organ sketch.

  158. PeeJ said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:15

    woop woop Blart Alert!!!! woop wooop

  159. James K. Polk, Esq. said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:20

    Phelps must be supporting his local economy. It’s probably even some enterprising young conservative selling the stuff to Phelps, forming his own small businesss (outside the IRS’s jurisdiction, natch)

    Seriously, who buys Mexi anymore? Waste of money.

  160. Smut Clyde said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:24

    digeridoo lap
    A life-time of playing the didgeridoo can leave the soft tissues of the lower jaw permanently distended and pendulous, a condition known as didgeridewlap.

  161. Cowalker said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:27

    John D, I am not going to see “Mall Cop” but I will definitely go to see “Blart’s Eleven.”

    I’m also looking forward to seeing “Blartipus Rex,” set in 19th century rural Scotland, performed by the sophomore class at the Edgar Cayce High School in Marietta, Georgia.

  162. owlbear1 said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:29

    I, Blartius

  163. Rusty Shackleblart said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:30

    Kinda looks like Dreher is playing a short orange plastic didgeridoo in the photo.

  164. Blartor212 said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:31

    Anybody see Jurassic Blart?

  165. actor212 said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:41

    Props to Sadly, No! For putting all its Blarts in one basket.

  166. Smut Clyde said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:44

    Dreher is playing a short orange plastic didgeridoo
    If that’s what the kids are calling it now, I am not about to cavil.

  167. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    February 4, 2009 at 0:50

    Hey, how about mandating a ballot initiative that forces all elected officials to undergo mandatory monthly drug tests, with the results being made public? That would end the drug war toot sweet, as them Frenchies would say.

  168. Goseph Gerbils said,

    February 4, 2009 at 1:29

    Smut Clyde said,

    Jelly filled blarts, the ones with the creme icing
    Ich bin eine Blartliner!

    Convenience stores the world over are restocking in anticipation of new strains of pot from Hungary.
    Pizza shops the world over are restocking in anticipation of new strains of pot from Greece.

    By coincidence, thanks to the miracle of wireless internet, I am reading this while straining on the pot.

  169. Little Red Henski (bjacques' mask slips) said,

    February 4, 2009 at 1:29

    Curse you PeeJ!!!

    Well, here’s a better image of that one. It’s called “Reading the Black-Book,” by Flemish artist Franz van den Wyngaert. I had an anthology of witchcraft, one of those books illustrated entirely with engravings in the public domain and photos of a few publicity-seeking occult types.

    I can imagine Anton La Vey playing one of these while croaking out “Honolulu Baby.”

  170. chimpevil said,

    February 4, 2009 at 1:54

    Can someone explain to me why weed is illegal when alcohol causes so much death and disorder, and what about tobacco, good fuckin lord, the corporate bitches even got busted doping their deathsticks so that they would be even more deadly and they’re still allowed to sell them. Talk about some fucked up shit and what a commentary on our fucked up culture.

  171. MzNicky said,

    February 4, 2009 at 2:47

    chimpevil: Yes, young brother, you are absolutely right. And I’m afraid much more disillusionment and disappointment await you as you grow older.

  172. Blart Blart Blart Bastard said,

    February 4, 2009 at 2:50

    Can someone explain to me why weed is illegal when alcohol causes so much death and disorder

    A large part of it is due to the fact that nobody can
    patent it.

    The fact that it was also perceived to be a drug used by blacks, latinos, jazz men, loose women, et al. made it easier for the corporatists to ally themselves with the authoritarians… man, that shit never seems to go away, does it?

  173. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    February 4, 2009 at 2:55

    Sorry, HREF fail… the wikipedia article is good. Note well the part about the unhempy alliance between Hearst and DuPont.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legal_history_of_marijuana_in_the_United_States

    Here’s a nice little USDA pro-hemp film dating back to WW2:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ne9UF-pFhJY

  174. chimpevil said,

    February 4, 2009 at 3:20

    A large part of it is due to the fact that nobody can
    patent it.

    Yeah excellent comment blart cubed (i love this site b/c you all are so crazy as hell truly.) Oh but I try to imagine how the govt would actually sell weed if it was legal, I mean I’m there would always be a street market no matter what because people would be like the gov shit is too weak or whatever but I think they should try something, or at least decriminalize the shit because what they are doing now don’t make sense whatsofuckingever.

  175. M. Bouffant said,

    February 4, 2009 at 4:10

    Nope, all crazy people here in the past as well.

  176. pedestrian said,

    February 4, 2009 at 11:28

    Jeez, imagine if he had been masturbating!

    Well if you insist…

    ok, done.

    Interestingly, I have a colleague at the newspaper who is a political and cultural liberal, and indeed an atheist, who [agrees with my idiotic and unsupportable world view.]

    That’s funny, because I have this conservative Christian friend who’s a totally real person, and he thinks that Obama is a better conservative than Bush and that Jesus hates Rush Limbaugh.

  177. tensor said,

    February 4, 2009 at 11:52

    “The film ends happily, with the entire cast being machine-gunned to death…”

    Can you have them all tasered first? Please? Pretty please?

  178. Dock Ellis said,

    February 4, 2009 at 18:30

    I bet he didn’t swim high. ;}

  179. Libertarian said,

    February 4, 2009 at 21:13

    Just legalize it already, damnit. We’ve had three Presidents in a row now that have not only smoked weed, but done cocaine (one of whom had the balls to admit it) and it didn’t ruin THEIR lives.

  180. hylen said,

    February 5, 2009 at 22:50

    The complete apology

Leave a Comment

  • Things of Interest

  • Meta Goodness

  • Clunkers

  • httpbl_stats()