Things aren’t going so well for America’s Worst Lawyer who is on a downward spiral that led from Harvard Law School to about 8.2 seconds as an associate at a large L.A. law firm to solo practice as Benjamin Shapiro Legal Consulting with no clients and no website. That perhaps explains why Ben is trying out for the position of America’s Worst TV Critic™ over at Big Andy’s Big Hollywood Big Website. Since all good wingnuts must filter everything through the prism of wingnuttery, Ben is sharing his thoughts as to who is the most conservative character on Lost, an exercise somewhat comparable to attempting to determine what is the most conservative fixture in his bathroom.
Ben gives the nod to Sawyer who is not only the best conservative character on Lost but also the best conservative TV character EVAH:
Josh Holloway’s Southern con man, James “Sawyer” Ford, is the best conservative character on television, bar none. Sure he sleeps around – what con man worth his salt doesn’t? But he votes Republican – in Episode 16 of Season 1, Outlaws, Sawyer admits that he has never voted Democrat. He’s a proud gun-toter, carrying rifles and pistols with equal authority. He’s a true capitalist, buying and selling like Warren Buffet at a flea market. And he hates communism. When one female character suggests that everyone share a cache of food, Sawyer sneers, “Oh sure, Moonbeam, and then maybe we can all do Trust Falls and sing Kumbaiya.” Sawyer is the first to engage in racial profiling – he labels fellow crash survivor Sayid a terror suspect in Episode 1, Season 1 … And boy is he tough. In Season 2, he rips a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands. Ask Al Franken to do that.
In other words, the best conservative on television is a racist, selfish, lying con man and thief who can’t keep his dick in his pants. Wingnuts do occasionally speak the truth, even if only by accident.
Brad adds: As an official Lost addict, I couldn’t help but chime in. Here’s what he says about Ben Linus, who is brilliantly played by Michael Emerson:
3. Benjamin “Henry Gale” Linus: AKA Benry. Benry is evil to be sure – but he’s pure, solid, wonderful evil in the mold of Dick Cheney. He’s a conniving, backstabbing, brilliant leader, a guy who will do anything to win – and anything to save the Island. He’ll even speak Turkish, then kick Tunisian ass.
So what makes Ben a conservative? Apparently, he’s evil and he kills Arabs.
I can’t figure out whether there really is a Ben Shapiro writing these things or if it’s actually Gary Ruppert taking the piss at Breitbart’s expense.
HTML adds: That’s some flaming wingnuttery right there, but Virgin Ben is merely a novice Zhdanovian hack compared to a master like Jonathan V. Last.