Jan
9

Lost




Posted at 21:17 by Tintin

ben_toilet

Things aren’t going so well for America’s Worst Lawyer who is on a downward spiral that led from Harvard Law School to about 8.2 seconds as an associate at a large L.A. law firm to solo practice as Benjamin Shapiro Legal Consulting with no clients and no website. That perhaps explains why Ben is trying out for the position of America’s Worst TV Critic™ over at Big Andy’s Big Hollywood Big Website. Since all good wingnuts must filter everything through the prism of wingnuttery, Ben is sharing his thoughts as to who is the most conservative character on Lost, an exercise somewhat comparable to attempting to determine what is the most conservative fixture in his bathroom.

Ben gives the nod to Sawyer who is not only the best conservative character on Lost but also the best conservative TV character EVAH:

Josh Holloway’s Southern con man, James “Sawyer” Ford, is the best conservative character on television, bar none. Sure he sleeps around – what con man worth his salt doesn’t? But he votes Republican – in Episode 16 of Season 1, Outlaws, Sawyer admits that he has never voted Democrat. He’s a proud gun-toter, carrying rifles and pistols with equal authority. He’s a true capitalist, buying and selling like Warren Buffet at a flea market. And he hates communism. When one female character suggests that everyone share a cache of food, Sawyer sneers, “Oh sure, Moonbeam, and then maybe we can all do Trust Falls and sing Kumbaiya.” Sawyer is the first to engage in racial profiling – he labels fellow crash survivor Sayid a terror suspect in Episode 1, Season 1 … And boy is he tough. In Season 2, he rips a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands. Ask Al Franken to do that.

In other words, the best conservative on television is a racist, selfish, lying con man and thief who can’t keep his dick in his pants. Wingnuts do occasionally speak the truth, even if only by accident.


Brad adds: As an official Lost addict, I couldn’t help but chime in. Here’s what he says about Ben Linus, who is brilliantly played by Michael Emerson:

3. Benjamin “Henry Gale” Linus: AKA Benry. Benry is evil to be sure – but he’s pure, solid, wonderful evil in the mold of Dick Cheney. He’s a conniving, backstabbing, brilliant leader, a guy who will do anything to win – and anything to save the Island. He’ll even speak Turkish, then kick Tunisian ass.

So what makes Ben a conservative? Apparently, he’s evil and he kills Arabs.

I can’t figure out whether there really is a Ben Shapiro writing these things or if it’s actually Gary Ruppert taking the piss at Breitbart’s expense.


HTML adds: That’s some flaming wingnuttery right there, but Virgin Ben is merely a novice Zhdanovian hack compared to a master like Jonathan V. Last.

202 Comments »

  1. Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:23

    Yeah, I mean, maybe it’s me, but I wouldn’t enshrine “The Asshole on Lost” as the perfect icon for my political philosophy. Besides, everyone knows most wingnuts look like Ben Linus instead.

  2. J— said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:25

    Sure he sleeps around – what con man worth his salt doesn’t?

    I don’t think he understands what a con man is. Maybe Benjamin Shapiro Legal Consulting specializes in criminal law.

  3. Ash Wing League said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:25

    But Sawyer also had sex with a foreigner! Wouldn’t that automatically disqualify him?

    Besides, everyone knows most wingnuts look like Ben Linus instead.

    Well, look and act like him.

  4. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:25

    In other words, the best conservative on television is a racist, selfish, lying con man and thief who can’t keep his dick in his pants.

    Wow, talk about the ultimate “Mary Sue”.

  5. Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:26

    Also note that I did not say think like Ben Linus. That Ben always has a fucking plan, while this Ben is still searching for a clue.

  6. Ash Wing League said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:26

    Oh and Sawyer also gets fooled rather easily, even by Hurley!

    Wait, I guess that does make him the ‘most conservative’ character on Lost afterall!

  7. Steve said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:28

    Oh come on, he isn’t even the best conservative charcter on the show. That’s got to be either Ben or Charles Widmore. The first is a manipulative, power hungry, ruthless liar who cares nothing for anyone but himself and his own survival. The second is a cold, heartless hyper-capitalist who will kill anyone who gets in his way. By comparison, the lying, racist, horny con man that is Sawyer is practically a boy scout.

  8. Legalize said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:29

    I love it. Sawyer is the best conservative because you can sum up his view of life as “I got mine; now fuck off and die.” Except he isn’t really like this of course. I wonder if Virgin Ben has watched past season 2.

  9. Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:32

    I am curious what Shapiro thinks of Locke.

    On one hand, Locke’s kind of a prick. Which appears to get points in the “conservative” scoring system.

    On the other, Locke’s main goal is to save the Island, which sounds like hippie, peacenik environmentalist hoodoo-voodooism.

  10. par4 said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:37

    Who the Fuck watches Lost?

  11. cale said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:38

    This whole “find the Conservative values in Pop Culture” exercise of late is incredibly pathetic.

    Who do they think they are? Black Slaves in the South searching for passages about liberation in the Bibles of their Owners?

    Are these former Masters of the Universe so owned by Liberalism that they have been reduced to this?

  12. actor212 said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:38

    Ben is sharing his thoughts as to who is the most conservative character on Lost, an exercise somewhat comparable to attempting to determine what is the most conservative fixture in his bathroom.

    Oh puLEEZ! TinTin!

    Larry Craig, hullllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooo????

  13. Righteous Bubba said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:43

    It’s kind of a sad thing with me but every now and again I imagine conservative kids growing up and watching M*A*S*H and idolizing Frank Burns.

  14. Legalize said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:44

    “Who the Fuck watches Lost?”

    Lots of people who frequent this site.

  15. Michael G. said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:44

    Off topic, but did you hear that Sam Wurzelbacher is headed to Gaza to report media bias?

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/jan/09/joe-plumber-gaza-reporter

    I hope this goes as well as Malkin’s “it’s not blown-up, just well ventilated” sojourn into Iraq.

  16. Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:45

    The next person that bring that prick up is going to have me hating them so hard their brain begins bleeding over the Internet.

  17. UKBristolDave said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:49

    Brilliant, they have linked to the Sun on the black jesus thing. For those of you that don’t live in the UK, Monday to Friday the Sun has a page three model, which is essentially a young lady who gets her tatters out (nipples and all) in the paper.

    Bastion of family values that….

  18. nolo said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:50

    Mebbe I was the last to hear, but when did the Virgin Ben get married?

  19. Gary Ruppert said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:52

    The fact is, You liberal haters can hate on Ben but he’s got your number and got you nailed dead to rights, truth is to liberals like holy water to a vampire, and your full of hate and bias.

  20. Nimrod Gently said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:52

    “This guy’s an unpardonable prick! What a fantastic ideological role-model!”

    How do people like Shapiro not know what they’re typing?

  21. Tommmcatt said,

    January 9, 2009 at 21:57

    Perhaps the reason Al Frankin has never pulled a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands is that he is not, in point of fact, a fictional character existing only on the teevee screen.

    I’ll bet he’s been to one or two flea markets, though.

  22. Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:03

    Also, I wonder what Ben’s take on torture was in Lost.

    Y’know, since it’s always the ethnic guy (or as me and my friends call Sayid, Iraq Bauer) doing the torturing to the conservative icons (apparently).

    So how about it?

    Does the fact that Sawyer and Ben didn’t break prove or disprove torture’s effectiveness, shitstain?

  23. Mr. Wonderful said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:04

    I’ve never seen Lost, but I assume it’s safe to say that they’re marooned on a desert island? With scant hope of rescue? Which means their survival resources are limited?

    Therefore, if sharing a cache of food = “communism,” then this jerk–Ben, not the character–is beyond parody. And his sitting-in-the-first-row, always-has-his-hand-up perkiness is just icing on the Cake of Hideous.

  24. UKBristolDave said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:04

    Really, how did this guy get a law degree? Surely being able to be understand the difference between dreams and reality integral to the qualification?

    I’m tempted to move to the States and commit a crime and hire Ben to defend me. OK, I’d end up doing considerable time but at least my mates would have had a laugh at the Bensanity of his defence.

  25. Another Kiwi said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:05

    Man, that wholyweird site is pure wingnut welfare. “Write some shit! Any shit! Crazy as you like! but get it in before this thing dies”
    Does R M Scaife read the shit he pays for?

  26. Doctorb said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:11

    Big Bad Bald Bastard nails it, I think. It’s that whole Randroid self-delusion of how, if society fell apart, *my* awesomeness would shine out and I would emerge as a leader of men and blah blah blah. I suppose only *most* people who think this way would, in fact, get their asses kicked continuously, and that one or two of those who fancy themselves Conan the Barbarian would actually survive long enough to face a vengeful mob.

  27. dex said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:11

    It’s kind of a sad thing with me but every now and again I imagine conservative kids growing up and watching M*A*S*H and idolizing Frank Burns.

    graduating law school is painless. it brings on many changes.

  28. Batocchio said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:24

    Summed up nicely, but surely there are other contenders for America’s worst lawyer. Lanny Davis, for example.

  29. g said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:30

    I’ve never seen Lost, but I assume it’s safe to say that they’re marooned on a desert island? With scant hope of rescue? Which means their survival resources are limited?

    Yes, that’s the one. And there’s a little guy with a scruffy beard and a professor, a movie star and a rich guy and his wife.

  30. Jonah Goldberg said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:30

    ATTN: SUPERDOME RESIDENTS

    I think it’s time to face facts. That place is going to be a Mad Max/thunderdome Waterworld/Lord of the Flies horror show within the next few hours. My advice is to prepare yourself now. Hoard weapons, grow gills and learn to communicate with serpents. While you’re working on that, find the biggest guy you can and when he’s not expecting it beat him senseless. Gather young fighters around you and tell the womenfolk you will feed and protect any female who agrees to participate without question in your plans to repopulate the earth with a race of gilled-supermen. It’s never too soon to be prepared.

  31. Susan of Texas said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:33

    I never get tired of posting that.

    I dont’ think we can take Ben’s ex-Virginosity for granted. He sounds like he goes to Dennis Prager for marital advice, and we all know Prager can’t get laid even with a marriage certificate.

  32. actor212 said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:35

    It’s kind of a sad thing with me but every now and again I imagine conservative kids growing up and watching M*A*S*H and idolizing Frank Burns.

    graduating law school is painless. it brings on many changes.

    Y’know, if they had mobile law offices in Korea, they’d be called M*A*L*L*S

  33. Anne Laurie said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:41

    Sure he sleeps around – what con man worth his salt doesn’t?

    Or so said the “con man” No-Longer-Virgin Ben hired to teach him the Art of the Rand Ninja…

    Does R M Scaife read the shit he pays for?

    The easy answer would be, “Yes, but only in the bathroom”. The true answer, I suspect, is “No, he has ‘people’ to do all his reading for him.”

  34. J— said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:47

    Re: sharing, communism, Kumbaya, and living in the wilderness

    I look forward to Benjamin Shapiro’s review of Defiance.

  35. Some Guy said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:47

    Wingnuts done be going crazy since they lost their fragile entertainment messiah idolization on Battlestar.

  36. jimmiraybob said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:52

    If Ben is also trolling for law partners I think he’s found his kinda conservative candidate:

    Darin – January 9th, 2009 at 5:26 am
    It’s not murder if it’s the right thing to do.

    “Your Honor, my client is not guilty of murder – he was merely doing the right thing. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if the brain’s full of conservative shit, you must acquit.”

    Obviously a promising and aspiring Debbie Schlußelscheißen conservative legal ethicist of the highest caliber. Murder? Genocide? Hey, if it’s the right thing to do…….

  37. Alexander said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:52

    And boy is he tough. In Season 2, he rips a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands. Ask Al Franken to do that.

    I wonder if he’s aware that Al Franken isn’t, in fact, fictional. Or maybe he thinks Lost is a documentary. Who knows?

  38. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:53

    Just thought you might be interested – Dr. Black is stealing your shit again.

  39. bargal20 said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:55

    “3. Benjamin “Henry Gale” Linus: AKA Benry. Benry is evil to be sure – but he’s pure, solid, wonderful evil in the mold of Dick Cheney. He’s a conniving, backstabbing, brilliant leader, a guy who will do anything to win – and anything to save the Island. He’ll even speak Turkish, then kick Tunisian ass.”

    Didn’t the conservatives, like, fire all the wog -speaking fagalas in the CIA back in 2001?

  40. LittlePig said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:56

    Yes, that’s the one. And there’s a little guy with a scruffy beard and a professor, a movie star and a rich guy and his wife.

    Don’t forget Mary Ann – she’s the true hotness on Lost.

  41. Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:57

    Holy shit, Brad. Virgin Ben’s finally managed to break my brain there. They’re really enshrining being evil monsters as “conservative” virtue.

  42. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    January 9, 2009 at 22:57

    And now for a vaguely On-Topic comment:
    Saying something about Senator-Elect Franken and bullets in his shoulder = funny joke,
    Saying something about GOP dickwads or Mighty Wurlitzer Talking Shitting Heads and bullets in shoulders = OMFG!!! TERRORISM!!!

    This has been your “How Wingnuts See The World” for the day period in time until someone else makes an observation.

  43. PaminBB said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:02

    So, I guess Ben is reviewing network TV because he can’t afford cable or the price of a movie ticket. Strong work.

  44. Gary Ruppert said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:05

    The fact is, as a conservative with reality and knowledge and hard work behind me, I will survive any cataclims and as well God is on my side. Liberals will die of starvation when the welfare runs out and George Soros tires of funding your lies.

  45. Professor Fate said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:08

    Al Franken never gets hit with bullets – he uses his mind power to turn them into ballots – which is how he won the re-count.

  46. Legalize said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:08

    Sweet Fancy Moses, has anyone read the comments over there?

    __________________________________

    Nick – January 9th, 2009 at 8:06 am

    “[C]onservative” doesn’t always have to equal “good” or morally perfect. As a group, I think conservatives tend to emphasize forgiveness and the inherent imperfection of humanity much more so than do liberals, which also tends to make us much less willing to tolerate repeated, consistent displays of stupidity, incompetence, or corruption. We understand that people will make mistakes, but we also expect people to learn from those mistakes. We also are able to acknowledge that sometimes people are forced to resort to extreme measures, even violence, to ensure that right is done. An appreciation of righteous violence (i.e. 300, WWII, Iraq War, Israel in Gaza) doesn’t make us bloodthirsty monsters, it makes us human.

  47. g said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:09

    I understand Joe the Plumber has magical rocket-repelling powers because he’s Christian. Maybe Gary should look into that.

  48. Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:13

    An appreciation of righteous violence (i.e. 300, WWII, Iraq War, Israel in Gaza) doesn’t make us bloodthirsty monsters, it makes us human.

    Yes.

    Bloodthirsty humans.

  49. BenSix said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:14

    “Benry is evil to be sure – but he’s pure, solid, wonderful evil in the mold of Dick Cheney.”

    There aren’t enough wedgies in the world to demonstrate how I’m feeling now…

  50. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:15

    “[C]onservative” doesn’t always have to equal “good” or morally perfect.

    It just has to equal “pisses off liberals”.

  51. Righteous Bubba said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:15

    (i.e. 300, WWII, Iraq War, Israel in Gaza)

    Cue Bob from Sesame Street and a particular song.

  52. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:17

    I understand Joe the Plumber has magical rocket-repelling powers because he’s Christian.

    Oh, damn – he really said that, didn’t he?

    Well, I don’t see how it could go wrong, after the effectiveness of Jeebusosity was proven last year when Obama’s nomination acceptance speech got rained out.

  53. Another Kiwi said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:18

    Legalise, I think that is worth a “Sweet Fancy Schmancy Moses”.
    They got the whole Butter Churn of Crazy over there, don’t they?

  54. J— said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:20

    Cue Bob from Sesame Street and a particular song.

    “People in Your Neighborhood”?

  55. Righteous Bubba said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:24

    “People in Your Neighborhood”?

    K is for kooky.

  56. Brandi said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:27

    It’s kind of a sad thing with me but every now and again I imagine conservative kids growing up and watching M*A*S*H and idolizing Frank Burns.

    Don’t you mean Colonel Flagg?

  57. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:28

    Don’t you mean Colonel Flagg?

    Oh, yes – idolizing Flagg but acting like Burns.

  58. The Cat said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:29

    It takes a very special kind of ignorance and delusion, which I like to call “conservativism”, to mention 300 (rather than Thermopylae) in the same breath as the others.

  59. GSD said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:30

    Let’s go through some movies in history and indentify the Republicans.

    It’s a Wonderful Life-Mr. Potter.

    Animal House-Dean Wormer, Doug Niedermyer, Greg Marmalarde.

    Lord of the Rings-Sauron.

    The Ted Bundy Story-Ted Bundy.

    -GSD

  60. Legalize said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:33

    Exactly, Cat. They probably believe that 300 is a documentary, and that the Spartans actually yelled “Hoo rah” or whatever the fuck before they totally heterosexually killed the Persians who were barely (if at all) human. That movie has some slick laterally-moving fight scenes, but man is it stupidly transparently pandering to wingnut idiocy.

  61. actor212 said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:35

    Let’s go through some movies in history and indentify the Republicans.

    Silence of the Lambs – Jame Gumb (bet you thought I’d say Hannibal and you wouldn’t be wrong, except Hannibal actually ended up assisting a government agency)

  62. Another Kiwi said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:37

    Let’s go through some movies in history and identify the Republicans

    Hannibal Lector- “We also are able to acknowledge that sometimes people are forced to resort to extreme measures, even violence, to ensure that right is done”
    I only eats the bad peeple

  63. John D. said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:38

    “Perhaps the reason Al Frankin has never pulled a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands is that he is not, in point of fact, a fictional character existing only on the teevee screen.”

    “I wonder if he’s aware that Al Franken isn’t, in fact, fictional. Or maybe he thinks Lost is a documentary. Who knows?”

    That little comment kinda leaped out at me, too. Shit, if Ben thinks such a thing is some legitimate rite of manhood, shouldn’t he volunteer to have a couple of bullets pumped into him so he can pull them out with his teeth, or some such thing?

    Or, to put it more succinctly: Wotta loon.

  64. Another Kiwi said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:38

    Lol actor I posted without seeing your more correct post, Curse this non- thought activated computer

  65. actor212 said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:39

    I wondered why Republicans thought 300 was some historical treatise on an admittedly brave but doomed stand put up by Leonidas.

    I always assumed 300 was a retelling of Thermopylae from the perspective of the general who’s rallying his troops for the final battle against the Persians, so it would naturally include outlandish parodies of the enemy to make him more fearsome but also dehumanize and minimize him, while understating all the resources and manpower available to the Spartans.

    You know, a fairy tale.

    I mean, that plot device is ONLY exposed in the final fucking scene and if you paid attention and had half a brai–

    Oh.

  66. actor212 said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:39

    Darn it, Kiwi, I really tried to time that so it came up AFTER yours!

  67. actor212 said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:41

    I always assumed 300 was a retelling of Thermopylae from the perspective of the general who’s rallying his troops for the final battle against the Persians, so it would naturally include outlandish parodies of the enemy to make him more fearsome but also dehumanize and minimize him, while understating all the resources and manpower available to the Spartans.

    You know, a fairy tale.

    Other fairy tales:

    Saddam Hussein had WMDs.

    Al Qaeda is lurking in every garbage can.

    Iran has teh nookulars.

  68. John D. said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:41

    “Let’s go through some movies in history and indentify the Republicans.”

    Al Pacino in Scarface!

  69. Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:44

    Tommy Lee Jones (Clay Shaw/Bertram) & Ed Asner (Guy Banister) in JFK.

  70. Gundamhead said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:54

    “And boy is he tough. In Season 2, he rips a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands. Ask Al Franken to do that.”

    Ask Ben Shapiro to do that.

    Why is this little freak still around? I thought his thing was being a college kid who was also a crazy, hateful piece of shit. Now that he’s no longer in college or a kid why bother keeping him around? Surely there are better right wing asshole writers.

  71. cowalker said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:57

    Maybe Ben isn’t doing so well at his profession because he patterns his behavior in the courtroom after Jack McCoy, not understanding that when the judges let McCoy get away with the most outrageous shit, it’s because they’re all actors following a script. It’s a good thing he didn’t study medicine, because he’d probably think House is a real doctor, and try to act like him.

  72. Scutch said,

    January 9, 2009 at 23:59

    I saw Ben Shapiro walking around Cambridge one day. Dressed like he was going to a Mathletes competion, he was carrying a Dunkin’ donuts shopping bag. What’s up with that?

  73. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:01

    Surely there are better right wing asshole writers.

    Surely.

    But this reminds me – what is Adam “macrowave” Yoshida up to these days? There’s a new janitor at my office who looks just like that weirdo – could it be himself?

  74. Ripley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:02

    Shouldn’t Ben be working on important legal documents for his clients instead of – …

    Right.

  75. Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:06

    There’s a new janitor at my office who looks just like that weirdo – could it be himself?

    Do you think it’s easy to pay for a quadrupled electricity bill that comes purely out of spite in these economically-stressed times?

  76. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:07

    Do you think it’s easy to pay for a quadrupled electricity bill that comes purely out of spite in these economically-stressed times?

    HA! I forgot he was doing that.

    Shows how effective that piss-off-the-libbies strategy was.

  77. Michael G. said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:07

    300 had some good laughs, though. You have to give it that. Like that speech about freedom from a Spartan. Hilarious! Like he doesn’t belong to a society based around massive slavery.

    Also tarring the enemy as queer was pretty good for a group that practiced institutional pederasty.

  78. Fozzetti said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:13

    But..but… Sawyer is a criminal! He was in jail! Of course, most conservatives are criminals who should be in jail, but still!

  79. Inflatable Toilet Suit said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:15

    I see one turd missed my bowl.

  80. Conservative Writer in Training said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:17

    I’m working on an analysis for the site entitled:

    “How it is that even though 300 looks like the gayest movie in Hollywood history, it really is not the gayest movie in Hollywood history. Even if it looks like it. The gayest movie in Hollywood history, I mean.”

    Then my article goes on from there.

  81. actor212 said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:17

    “Let’s go through some movies in history and indentify the Republicans.”

    Al Pacino in Scarface!

    Particularly, the “say hello to my little friend” bit, except it wasn’t realistic. The “little friend” wasn’t a Congressional page.

  82. Fozzetti said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:19

    And may Al Frankin DID pull a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands. It could have happened.

  83. Legalize said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:19

    Sawyer also made the sexy time with Anna Lucia, who is not entirely white, and therefore insufficiently American / human. He also did the deed with Kate. The actor who plays Kate is Canadian. Moreover, Sawyer has sex PERIOD. I would think that all three de facto disqualify him from being considered a “conservative.”

  84. Mr. Wonderful said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:20

    “Yes, that’s the one. And there’s a little guy with a scruffy beard and a professor, a movie star and a rich guy and his wife.”

    Is the little guy with the scruffy beard the one who always chants, “The plane! The plane!”?

  85. His Grace said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:20

    I don’t understand how popular shows like Lost (or movies like The Dark Knight) can be considered conservative, yet Hollywood is a bastion of evil liberalism bent on destroying America’s values.

  86. Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:23

    His Grace:

    The same way every talk-radio host is a right-wing psychotic, but because NPR exists the entire radio industry is left of Lenin?

  87. The Goddamn Batman Has Never Seen Lost said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:23

    Sure he sleeps around – what con man worth his salt doesn’t?

    In his own case, Ben believes that getting a tug job from the other hand counts.

  88. Paul T Lazaro said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:27

    And Period sex is far too messy…

  89. stryx said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:28

    Let’s go through some movies in history and identify the Republicans

    Davey

  90. Dan Coyle said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:41

    “I always assumed 300 was a retelling of Thermopylae from the perspective of the general who’s rallying his troops for the final battle against the Persians, so it would naturally include outlandish parodies of the enemy to make him more fearsome but also dehumanize and minimize him, while understating all the resources and manpower available to the Spartans.”

    Except for the rather bizarro depictions of the Spartans, whose monsters, 10 foot tall leader, and scary lesbians are, IIRC, Snyder’s creation, and the entire Queen subplot, 300 is exactly like the comic book, which Miller insisted was as scrupulously researched and historically accurate as possible.

    And BOY did Miller get pissy when people called him on the “Boy-lovers” thing.

  91. bulbul said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:57

    Jillian,
    we all know Prager can’t get laid even with a marriage certificate
    Nor, apparently, with a bottle of roofies and ten thousand dollars. In Vegas.

    Some Guy,
    Wingnuts done be going crazy since they lost their fragile entertainment messiah idolization on Battlestar.
    Oh yeah, that was best. tv. evah. Anybody got any links of that meltdown in progress?

  92. White Male, Jew of Liberal Fascism said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:58

    He’s a proud gun-toter, carrying rifles and pistols with equal authority.

    Ah, a gun fetish— an excellent sign of mental health!

    Personally, I don’t collect guns, but I have a wonderful collection of torture devices.

    Would you like to come down to my basement and check out my Iron Maiden?

  93. amocz said,

    January 10, 2009 at 0:59

    Let’s go through some movies in history and indentify the Republicans.

    Dr. Strangelove : Gen. Jack D. Ripper (Sterling Hayden), Buck Turgidson (Geo. C. Scott), Dr. Strangelove (Peter Sellars)

    Actually, just about the whole cast (except for the POTUS)

  94. Stephen Deadlyass said,

    January 10, 2009 at 1:20

    Season 4 of Lost had their most conservative character — Keamy. His answer to everything was punch it, shoot it or blow it up.

  95. Gag Halfrunt said,

    January 10, 2009 at 1:29

    Re: sharing, communism, Kumbaya, and living in the wilderness

    I look forward to Benjamin Shapiro’s review of Defiance.

    Or, as the review in my newspaper calls it, Rambo: first barmitzvah.

    Alas, this headline is missing from the online version.

  96. papa zita said,

    January 10, 2009 at 1:52

    It’s a good thing he didn’t study medicine, because he’d probably think House is a real doctor, and try to act like him.

    I dunno. I think I’d like to see Mental Ben hooked on pain pills. It’d keep him quiet at least.

  97. Edge of the American West: Top 5 Conservative Characters on the First Episode of The Wired said,

    January 10, 2009 at 2:05

    [...] (This isn’t a guest post by nobody’s friend, Ben Shaprio. This is just a tribute. Via S, N!) I first got into HBO’s hit television program The Wired about two years ago. A stranger mentioned it to the person in front of him at the 700 Club cafeteria, and by the time I finished the first episode, I knew I would be telling people I was completely hooked. [...]

  98. R. V. Dump said,

    January 10, 2009 at 2:06

    Check out this gem from Summa Cum Laude Ben’s review of the movie Body of Lies :

    ” Body of Lies opens with shots of Americans – led by CIA operative Leo DiCaprio — beating a terrorism suspect bloody. Near the end of the movie, as Leo is being tortured by an Islamic terrorism, he flashes back to beating an Islamic terrorist. “

    WOW!

  99. cur said,

    January 10, 2009 at 2:12

    Tintin you had me at the unibrow. It was almost too perfect that I did not want to spoil it by reading the post. But I did anyway.

    Where to start?

    First off what he is describing as conservatives I would call ass holes. And I am not sure the two are mutually inclusive. Would the VB really want to have either of these people as his boss? That is, if he could keep a job?

    I don’t think VB needs to be insinuating that Al Franken is such a wussy. First, I can not remember at the top of my head who it was, but Franken did challenge one of these tuff guy pencil neck geeks to a back alley brawl with no witnesses before. I think it was Rich Lowry. Secondly, did he not wrestle some goof ball to the ground at the NH primary some time back Maybe VB knows that Franken, as a Senator, probably won’t go gunning for him.

    Anyway, tough guy shit ain’t all that it is cracked up to be. Unless you live in fantasy land.

    I still cannot figure out who these wingnuts cheer for in Rambo. The Sheriff or Rambo and then please explain it to me. VB, as a conservative, please review Rambo for me.

  100. neal peart said,

    January 10, 2009 at 2:22

    It appears a new word is necessary to describe the latest from The Virgin Ben (aka the worst Harvard Law School graduate in history):

    Conservomorphism

    definition: an interpretation of what is not human, personal or real, in terms of conservative or perceived conservative, personal characteristics.

    This concept is inherent in wingnuttery.

  101. g said,

    January 10, 2009 at 2:26

    VB says: “but he’s pure, solid, wonderful evil in the mold of Dick Cheney.”

    So I’m confused here. VB admires Dick Cheney, but calls him evil. Does this mean that he admires Teh Evil? What about the fact that Dick Cheney denies he’s evil, and asserts his cuddly-bear-ness?

  102. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    January 10, 2009 at 2:34

    Does this mean that he admires Teh Evil?

    I’ve been trying to figure this one out too, g. I think it’s something like during the Republican primary, when those talking heads were gushing about how Giuliani was a “mean daddy” father figure. Some sort of weird twisted authoritarian domination thing.

  103. Stuart said,

    January 10, 2009 at 2:41

    Iron Maiden? Crank it up!

  104. Anne Laurie said,

    January 10, 2009 at 2:44

    It’s a good thing he didn’t study medicine, because he’d probably think House is a real doctor, and try to act like him.

    … And then get beaten bloody by Hugh Laurie, the actor. With a second beating from the actor who plays Evil Nurse Brenda. And a final beating/golden shower from the actor who plays The Night Janitor Who Wears His Pants Backwards.

    All of which No-Longer-Virgin Ben would enjoy a little *too* much.

  105. windy said,

    January 10, 2009 at 2:48

    They probably believe that 300 is a documentary

    Like ’1776′!

  106. Brandi said,

    January 10, 2009 at 3:52

    Oh, yes – idolizing Flagg but acting like Burns.

    Well, it’s not like Flagg was exactly a bastion of competence…

    “The wind just broke his leg.”

  107. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    January 10, 2009 at 4:06

    Well, it’s not like Flagg was exactly a bastion of competence…

    No, but he didn’t come across as a whiny-ass baby the way Burns did.

  108. Auguste said,

    January 10, 2009 at 4:25

    Sawyer is the first to engage in racial profiling – he labels fellow crash survivor Sayid a terror suspect in Episode 1, Season 1

    And was crazily and cause-hinderingly wrong, at least as far as it went. Good example, Ben.

  109. Jame Gumb said,

    January 10, 2009 at 4:58

    No, nuh-uh. Oh wait… was she a great big fat person?

  110. sarah said,

    January 10, 2009 at 4:59

    i couldn’t really read any of that stuff over there on that insightful blog explaining about how evil hollywood is or something because all that truthiness in one place makes my eyes sting, but i did see the link to greg gutfield’s “OPEN” letter to henry rollins about how rollins is a total wuss. and it made me giggle a little bit and hope that mr. gutfield gets the opportunity to deliver his message in person.

  111. Jame Gumb said,

    January 10, 2009 at 5:00

    His Grace said,
    January 10, 2009 at 0:20

    I don’t understand how popular shows like Lost (or movies like The Dark Knight) can be considered conservative, yet Hollywood is a bastion of evil liberalism bent on destroying America’s values.

    Note to self: His Grace knows too much…

  112. Brian X said,

    January 10, 2009 at 5:05

    Just a question for Somervillains and residents of surrounding areas… isn’t that doorway in the picture right next to a small Planned Parenthood clinic in Davis Square?

  113. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 5:36

    Who is tintin?

  114. Righteous Bubba said,

    January 10, 2009 at 5:39

    Stephen “Tintin” Duffy of course.

  115. Righteous Bubba said,

    January 10, 2009 at 5:40

    “Wow I feel so fresh today.” I’d forgotten that line. Yuk yuk.

  116. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 5:40

    What makes Ben a virgin, besides the obvious hymen thingy?

  117. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 5:43

    Slaps Bubba around with a righteous eggplant.

  118. Righteous Bubba said,

    January 10, 2009 at 5:43

    The Virgin Ben.

    I’m Mr. Answer Man this evening.

  119. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 5:56

    Ben is married now though; and yet still somehow virginal.

  120. J— said,

    January 10, 2009 at 5:59

    Who is tintin?

    The blogist formerly known as ********** (see Sadly, No!’s “About” page).

    [Edited by Tintin]

  121. Another Kiwi said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:06

    Tin Tin is the new robot panda made by China for sending around to foreign zoos. Many zoo officials have become suspicious ,however, when the instruction booklet for Tin Tin states that “Tin Tin does not need feeding and should not be left out in the rain.”
    In keeping with the spirit of the thread subject, Pure Ben, Tin Tin cannot be used in breeding programmes

  122. ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:07

    Righteous Bubba said,

    January 10, 2009 at 5:39

    Stephen “Tintin” Duffy of course.

    Rin Tin Tin, emm effers!1one11!!!

  123. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:15

    ben’s column suggests he’s found masturbatory material in the LOST male characters. material he doesn’t have to hide from his cover wife.

  124. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:20

    off track big time:

    Bruce Springsteen: One-Hundred Percent Republican

  125. Righteous Bubba said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:23

    God damn it that site is gold.

  126. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:26

    If I could interview any of those douche bags:

    Knowingly spinning a load of rubbish without thinking twice: what does it feel like?

    Catholic? How much do you admit to during weekly confession?

  127. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:28

    Sadly, we can even call Ben Gay. No heat.

  128. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:29

    can’t

    damn this nostradamus beer

  129. g said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:38

    Springsteen the multimillionaire, rock star with the mansion in Beverly Hills may be a Liberal

    Uh, Sadly No

    The family lives in Rumson, New Jersey, and owns a horse farm in nearby Colts Neck

    I went to high school in Rumson. Springsteen has always been involved in the communities of Monmouth County, NJ. Beverly Hills? That tired old place? Puh-lease! If Springsteen did have a place in LA, and I don’t doubt that he does, it would be in a way cooler community.

    Has Evan Sayet ever read an interview with Springsteen? Just curious.

    I am imagining Evan Sayet isn’t familiar with Beverly Hills, either, FWIW.

  130. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:42

    pisses me off my comments on that site no longer appear automatically. Ever since I insulted Gary Gorman, I’ve been toast over at Big Minds Hollywood.

  131. Susan of Texas said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:50

    Jesus, what a pathetic article. Even the commenters aren’t buying it.

    I guess when Springsteen said “strap your hands across my engines” he was supporting the auto industry and American businesses.

  132. Susan of Texas said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:54

    Baby this town rips the bones from your back
    Its a death trap, it’s a suicide rap
    We gotta get out while were young
    `cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run

    This passage exhtols the virtues of hard work for young people, and praises the workings of free market capitalism.

  133. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:57

    yes susan, Republicans will be the first to call you right wing regardless of how you identify yourself, because they know you better than you know yourself. and they’re lonely.

  134. Susan of Texas said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:58

    I had a job, I had a girl
    I had something going mister in this world
    I got laid off down at the lumber yard
    Our love went bad, times got hard
    Now I work down at the carwash
    Where all it ever does is rain
    Don’t you feel like you’re a rider on a downbound train

    My head pounding hard, up the stairs I climbed
    The room was dark, our bed was empty
    Then I heard that long whistle whine
    And I dropped to my knees, hung my head and cried

    Springsteen praises traditional marriage and warns of the tragedy of divorce.

  135. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:58

    Hey, is gocart mozart around? He might be able to tell us just how conservative Springsteen is.

  136. Susan of Texas said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:58

    Lesley–very, very lonely. Wetsuit lonely.

  137. Susan of Texas said,

    January 10, 2009 at 6:59

    He’s checking out the weather chart, because he doesn’t believe in global warming.

  138. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:05

    Next up on Big minds Hollywood. Telegraph Road is proof Dire Straits/Mark Knopfler is Republican.

  139. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:08

    I imagine the Big Hollywooders might have looked at Danny Elfman, who is generally pretty conservative (made the “Top 50 Conservative Rock Songs” with Capitalism) – until they found out about this.

  140. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:10

    (I realize that having a song in the Top 50 Conservative songs means nothing about whether a singer is conservative or not, but I know Elfman has done stuff like pro-death-penalty songs, stuff like that. Plus a song about how awesome underage girls are, though he was singing [as he often did] as a “character” and not as himself.)

  141. Heretic said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:14

    Well my daddy worked the furnaces
    Kept ‘em hotter than hell
    I come home from ‘Nam worked my way to scarfer
    A job that’d suit the devil as well
    Taconite coke and limestone
    Fed my children and make my pay
    Them smokestacks reachin’ like the arms of God
    Into a beautiful sky of soot and clay

    Youngstown clearly shows how captains of industry, like John Galt, bring benefits to America’s small towns. Obviously, Springsteen is a Republican.

  142. Zuzu's Petals said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:22

    “Ben Shapiro’s Legal Consulting”? Are you kidding me?

    Not “Ben Shapiro, Attorney at Law.” Not “Ben Shapiro Legal Services.” Friggin’ “Ben Shapiro Legal Consulting.

    Which likely means that Ben will not/cannot represent you in your divorce, file your claim, appear in court, or even draw up your will. No, he will consult with you.

    Possibly he recognizes his own level of competence, being only a year and half out of law school. Evidently he couldn’t even find a wingnut hack to show him how to you know, practice law.

    I’d lay odds the guy’s going to end up as a political consultant with all the other unemployable wingnuts.

  143. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:23

    Listening to Deadwood soundtrack. http://www.deadwoodsoundtrack.com/
    worth the money, though freely available on the Intertubes.

    Republicans would call it Republican so you can count on it being the opposite.

  144. J Neo Marvin said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:26

    pure, solid, wonderful evil in the mold of Dick Cheney

    He actually said this. It really is all about pissing off liberals and nothing else, isn’t it? Silly child.

    Why is this little freak still around? I thought his thing was being a college kid who was also a crazy, hateful piece of shit. Now that he’s no longer in college or a kid why bother keeping him around? Surely there are better right wing asshole writers.

    But it’s so fun to watch him grow!

  145. Susan of Texas said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:26

    If he’s not actually practicing law, he didn’t pass the bar. Which would explain why he got a job but quickly lost it.

    Just a guess.

  146. J— said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:28

    Please, this is Bruce Springsteen the Poet/Philosopher he’s talking about. I mean, what liberal poet/philosopher would even think to sing about Bob’s Big Boy?

  147. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:36

    But it’s so fun to watch him grow!

    He’s like an Evil Chia Pet!

  148. Zuzu's Petals said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:36

    #

    Susan of Texas said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:26

    If he’s not actually practicing law, he didn’t pass the bar. Which would explain why he got a job but quickly lost it.

    Just a guess.

    I should have been more clear. He does belong to the California State Bar.

    I just meant it in the more general sense that he likely doesn’t know how to perform the tasks for which one normally hires an attorney. He just “consults.” Plenty of experienced and competent attorneys consult on various issues, but I’ve never seen them advertise themselves this way.

  149. Zuzu's Petals said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:43

    Susan of Texas:

    I actually got curious on what the term actually means, and came across this. Interesting.

    Recent years have witness the rise of a group of lawyers who call themselves “legal consultants.” This new breed offers law-related services outside the parameters of the attorney-client relationship, effectively decoupling legal expertise from law practice. Legal consulting services, which include investigative and advisory services, overlap significantly with traditional corporate legal services. This paper explores the economic and regulatory benefits that legal consulting may enjoy over traditional law practice. In particular, it considers how the erosion of the attorney-client privilege and the advantages of opting out of professional regulation may give rise to a new market for legal consultants.
    The Rise of Legal Consultants

  150. Candy said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:55

    I wonder if it would be possible for me, as a paralegal, to offer legal consulting. I can do research as well or better than VB, I imagine. I wouldn’t exactly be practising law – which is verboten – or would I? Hmmm . . .

  151. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:56

    plenty of lawyers aren’t practicing. can you think of a market for ben shapiro? i wouldn’t hire him to chase an ambulance.

  152. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 7:58

    here’s what i can’t figure about big hollywood, none of those people have ties to hollywood except gary gorman, a two bit actor who hasn’t had a decent role in forever.

  153. Zuzu's Petals said,

    January 10, 2009 at 8:02

    can you think of a market for ben shapiro

    Staffer/consultant for wingnut legislator. Incompetence not a problem.

  154. Zuzu's Petals said,

    January 10, 2009 at 8:02

    Or a lobbyist.

  155. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 8:14

    Anyone still identifying with/supporting Bush conservatism may as well wear a banner that screams “mentally challenged/pity me”.

  156. Zuzu's Petals said,

    January 10, 2009 at 8:29

    Uhm, is that “office” in the picture a Photoshop? [Tintin: yes.]

    Because I’m pretty sure he’s operating out of his apartment.

  157. FlipYrWhig said,

    January 10, 2009 at 8:44

    g: I went to high school in Rumson

    Serbia : Rumson :: Montenegro : Fair Haven.

  158. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 8:45

    Words of a person who isn’t a Republican

    I would rather suffer in sweet silent solitude
    Deathly defiant from drowning out
    Filthy sounds stumbling ugly and crude
    Between the lips of your beautiful mouth

    Deep down within me words move in phrases
    Frozen and still ‘til they decide
    To melt and drip over the pagers
    Until that moment they live inside

    My words enjoy the feel of the paper
    Better than mingling with your consonants
    Once they get going they never waver
    And they slip in between your if, ands, and buts

    When my words are hiding between the lines
    Then I’m afraid they won’t hear me call
    What if they fail me without a sign
    What if they hardly surface at all

    Screaming and throwing your weight around
    My words choose knowledge over politics
    You can’t kill my words, they know no bounds
    My words are strong and they don’t make me sick

    They still remain my only companion
    Loyal and true to the very end
    They’ll never ever completely abandon
    Ever give up the paper and the pen

    - Lucinda Williams

  159. g said,

    January 10, 2009 at 8:50

    Serbia : Rumson :: Montenegro : Fair Haven.

    Ah, ’tis true. So what does that make Red Bank?

    I was a transplant. I came to Rumson in September of my Senior year. I felt like a fucking Anthropologist studying a strange new culture. Of course, I came from Ohio suburbs, so maybe some New Jerseyan should have gone to my school, reciprocating, to study me.

  160. Dan P said,

    January 10, 2009 at 8:55

    He’s absolutely operating out of his apartment. Shit, the best part is that his “office” is about 2 minutes away from the other Walter Reed (middle school) from the RNC.

  161. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 8:56

    I’m thinking Ben’s wife brings home the bacon.

  162. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 9:00

    har dee har

    http://www.benjaminshapiro.com/

  163. Simp said,

    January 10, 2009 at 9:15

    And boy is he tough. In Season 2, he rips a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands. Ask Al Franken to do that.

    /pounds_head_on_table

    These folks are so twisted and gummed up on the romanticism of what a “real man” is, that they can’t even help themselves using a FICTIONAL CHARACTER as the basis for an ad hominem attack on and actual person whom they disagree with politically.

    They really are pathetic little people.

    Pure. Comedy. Gold.

  164. Malignant Bouffant said,

    January 10, 2009 at 9:16

    Damn, I show up late & … the only clever thought I had was WTF: “Legal Consulting”. By the time I weasel my way to the bottom I see that the subject has been thoroughly considered, researched & dissected, by smart for sure dames Candy, Lesley & Susan & smart, assumed (& we all know from assumption) dame Zuzu’s Petals.

    You girls all go!

  165. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 9:26

    cows, new dress, greg edmonson (Firefly)

  166. Zuzu's Petals said,

    January 10, 2009 at 9:26

    Dame yes. Not as smart as the others, that’s for sure.

  167. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 9:29

    sadly, that’s just part of the song. a great one at that.

    heh, malignant, I’m dumb as an ox compared to the lot of you but i’d still rather be me than the dipshits profiled in sadlyno.

  168. OneMan said,

    January 10, 2009 at 10:01

    Just to pile on over the Springsteen thing…Republicans have wanted to blow The Boss since Born In The USA came out and the Reagan campaign tried to use it (until he told them to stuff it).

    I don’t think they ever did figure out it’s a protest song about what went wrong in America.

    And the title track to Magic is all about Dickey Cheney. I’m guessing they didn’t listen to those lyrics either:

    I got a shiny saw blade
    All I needs’ a volunteer
    I’ll cut you in half
    While you’re smiling ear to ear
    And the freedom that you sought’s
    Driftin’ like a ghost amongst the trees
    This is what will be, this is what will be

    Now there’s a fire down below
    But it’s comin’ up here
    So leave everything you know
    And carry only what you fear
    On the road the sun is sinkin’ low
    There’s bodies hangin’ in the trees
    This is what will be, this is what will be

  169. Johnny Pez said,

    January 10, 2009 at 10:25

    That perhaps explains why Ben is trying out for the position of America’s Worst TV Critic™

    Does Michael Medved do TV criticking, or just movies? Because if it’s the former, then Virgin Ben’s got a real fight on his hands.

  170. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 10:34

    Pretty soon, Obama will be called a Republican.

  171. Doctorb said,

    January 10, 2009 at 10:46

    Didn’t Obama’s election demonstrate that we are a center-right nation, whatever that is? Even though he’s a hard-left radical communist posing as a mere ultra-liberal or something?

  172. Lesley said,

    January 10, 2009 at 10:48

    Obama is bound to disappoint, but we expect the disappointment, know it’s coming, and yet, he is still better than the shit George.

  173. Malignant Bouffant said,

    January 10, 2009 at 12:00

    Any Republican w/ half a brain (sadly, that remaining half still filled w/ failed ideologies, policies & non-policies) realizes their party is in deep dog-shit trouble in the short term, when/if it’s made clear (dreaming here, but…) that Bush et al. handed the Treasury keys to his fellow big biz oligarch buddies, while Rome was burning, & in the long term (but before ending up dead as, it was so wisely observed, we all do) demographically pretty much heading up Shit Creek, as the supply of square, wretched “Baby Boomers” is drying up, & de yout’ of

    de future, mon, will be much more “urban” & Unreal American, as the rural redneck (read any code you’d like into that) part of the BBs passes as well as the aging ’60s types.

    Shorter? Sure: Now they’ve more reason than ever to fight like weasels. Be ready for disappointment, but don’t necessarily blame our side if enough of the vocal whining majority convince enough to sway relatively narrow votes, or public opinion.

  174. Malignant Bouffant said,

    January 10, 2009 at 12:02

    Ugly but fuctional.

    Ha-ha. I typed “fuctional.”

    Functional, ninny.

  175. Erik W. said,

    January 10, 2009 at 12:26

    Guess who donated this portrait of Divine by David Hockney to the Carnegie Museum of Art in Pittsburgh.

  176. Shitmoat Ephithet said,

    January 10, 2009 at 12:56

    He’s like an Evil Chia Pet!

    Winner! Can we tag The Virgin Ben with this, as well? Evil Virgin Chia Ben? Hmmm. Needs work.

  177. Functional Ninny said,

    January 10, 2009 at 12:56

    New Pseudonym!

  178. Useful Idiot said,

    January 10, 2009 at 13:11

    I agree completely w/ my esteemed compatriot.

  179. shaun said,

    January 10, 2009 at 14:02

    I’m trying to think of a TV character that if a liberal declared them a shining example of liberalism would make our liberal friend look as clueless as our conservative friend here.
    So far the best that I can do is either Klinger from Mash or Larry from Three’s Company.

  180. J— said,

    January 10, 2009 at 15:36

    Pretty soon, Obama will be called a Republican.

    Obama the politician may be a Democrat, but Obama the poet, Obama the philosopher is a Republican because poetry and philosophy are inherently conservative.

  181. Robin G. said,

    January 10, 2009 at 17:38

    Except… wait. Sawyer loves books. Doesn’t that immediately disqualify him from the Republican ranks?

    I’m amused that Virgin Ben missed the parts of the show wherein it’s revealed that Sawyer does all this stuff *because* he wants to be hated and knows the best way to do that is to be as big of a stereotypical asshole as possible.

  182. Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,

    January 10, 2009 at 17:44

    Doesn’t that immediately disqualify him from the Republican ranks?

    That or the fact that women (or gay men, I suppose) might actually want him. That totally gets him thrown out of the He-Man Women Haters’ club.

  183. Tommykey said,

    January 10, 2009 at 18:02

    And boy is he tough. In Season 2, he rips a bullet out of his shoulder with his bare hands. Ask Al Franken to do that.

    Uh, no Ben. Ask the character who plays Sawyer to do that in real life. Franken did challenge Rich Lowry to a fight though, and Lowry refused. Would you like to accept the challenge on Lowry’s behalf?

  184. Gentlewoman said,

    January 10, 2009 at 20:04

    Pretty soon, Obama will be called a Republican.

    Done:

    http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/01/oops.html

  185. Bill S said,

    January 10, 2009 at 20:17

    If there was a Twerp Olympics, Ben Shapiro would be weighted down with Gold Medals.

  186. Tommykey said,

    January 10, 2009 at 21:06

    I wonder if it would be possible for me, as a paralegal, to offer legal consulting. I can do research as well or better than VB, I imagine. I wouldn’t exactly be practising law – which is verboten – or would I? Hmmm . . .

    Candy, I’m a paralegal too. Can’t offer legal advice, only an attorney can do that. However, quite often the advice is mine and the attorney passes it on to the client as his or her.

  187. Susan of Texas said,

    January 10, 2009 at 21:15

    The only legal consultant I know of has 4 decades of experience and also runs seminars on the law. As well as an enormous number of friends and former students, coworkers and colleagues.

  188. Dayv said,

    January 10, 2009 at 21:31

    HTML’s late addition of Star Wars wingnuttery really deserves its own post.  Nuggets like these shouldn’t be missed by people who missed the update:

    Make no mistake, as emperor, Palpatine is a dictator–but a relatively benign one, like Pinochet.

    [...]

    None of which is to say that the Empire isn’t sometimes brutal. In Episode IV, Imperial stormtroopers kill Luke’s aunt and uncle and Grand Moff Tarkin orders the destruction of an entire planet, Alderaan. But viewed in context, these acts are less brutal than they initially appear.

  189. gocart mozart said,

    January 10, 2009 at 22:35

    Did someone call my name?

    Few realise that the prophet Bruce foretold of the evils of Teh Hillary over 35 years ago. In this prophecy he sarcastically refers to her as “Mary” thus juxtaposing her as the antithesis of the blessed virgin. To be clear, not Ben but the Madonna. Not that Madonna but the original one and I don’t mean Cher.

    MARY QUEEN OF ARKANSAS©
    Mary queen of Arkansas, it’s not too early for dreamin’
    The sky is grown with cloud seed sown and a bastard’s love can be redeeming
    Mary, my queen, your soft hulk is reviving
    No, you’re not too late to desecrate, the servants are just rising

    Well I’m just a lonely acrobat, the livewire is my trade
    I’ve been a shine boy for your acid brat and a wharf rat of your state
    Mary, my queen, your blows for freedom are missing
    Oh you’re not man enough for me to hate or woman enough for kissing

    Oh the big top is for dreamers, we can take the circus all the way to the border
    Oh and the gallows wait for martyrs whose papers are in order
    But I was not born to live to die and you were not born for queenin’
    Oh it’s not too late to infiltrate, the servants are just leavin’

    Mary queen of Arkansas, your white skin is deceivin’
    You wake and wait, ooh, to lie in bait and you almost got me believin’
    But on your bed, Mary, I can see the shadow of a noose
    Oh I don’t understand how you can hold me so tight and love me so damn loose

    But I know a place where we can go Mary
    Where I can get a good job and start out all over again clean
    Oh I got contacts deep in Mexico where the servants have been seen

  190. Another Kiwi said,

    January 10, 2009 at 22:37

    The update is extra cheeto flavoured icing on the cheeto cake (now with extra cheetos). Vader won’t call the bounty hunters by name because of social status issues and the head bounty hunter calls Han Solo “Captain” so this makes all that fascist blowing up planets and stuff, OK?
    He really has to get out more, you know more than just to get cheetos.

  191. gocart mozart said,

    January 10, 2009 at 22:47

    Here is a linky thing for easy access to the Boss’s lyrics.

    http://www.springsteenlyrics.com/lyrics/m/maryqueenofarkansas.php

  192. Bill S said,

    January 10, 2009 at 22:52

    “But viewed in context, these acts are less brutal than they initially appear”?
    (Head palm.)
    Please tell me that’s meant to be satire.

  193. Pastor Swank said,

    January 10, 2009 at 22:56

    Link thing to make for easy lyric pastings.

    http://www.springsteenlyrics.com/index.php

  194. gocart mozart said,

    January 10, 2009 at 23:04

    Not another Shapiro, Lost, 300, Springsteen, Star Wars thread. Don’t you guys EVER tire of those?

  195. Linnaeus said,

    January 11, 2009 at 0:29

    Let’s go through some movies in history and indentify the Republicans.

    Dr. Strangelove : Gen. Jack D. Ripper (Sterling Hayden), Buck Turgidson (Geo. C. Scott), Dr. Strangelove (Peter Sellars)

    Actually, just about the whole cast (except for the POTUS)

    I suspect that Group Captain Mandrake wasn’t a Republican.

  196. Mooser said,

    January 11, 2009 at 1:18

    You guys at Sadly,No! are a tougher breed than me! You must have titanium nerves if you can read that stuff. All it ever does to me is make me all wound up that I can’t get at the guy who wrote it. Which is not too productive. Also, time seems to go faster and faster while I read it, and each fraction of a second wasted reading it seems like a lifetime.

    You’re a better men than I am. Hat’s, glasses, jackets, shirts, pants, everything, off, to Sadly, No!

  197. Bill S said,

    January 11, 2009 at 1:22

    As for what would be the right market for Benjamin, well, if the Piggley Wiggley’s hiring…

  198. Lesley said,

    January 11, 2009 at 1:31

    Ben weighted down with gold medals.

    Har, throw one on him, toss him in the east river and he’d sink.

  199. A.W. Merrick said,

    January 11, 2009 at 2:05

    I suspect that Group Captain Mandrake wasn’t a Republican.

    Nor the Soviet Ambassador.

  200. Tommykey said,

    January 11, 2009 at 7:11

    The only legal consultant I know of has 4 decades of experience and also runs seminars on the law. As well as an enormous number of friends and former students, coworkers and colleagues.

    Susan, maybe Ben Shapiro thinks he is qualified to be a legal consultant because he stayed at a Holiday Inn Express.

  201. sus said,

    January 12, 2009 at 0:22

    I thought Phil Berg was America’s worst lawyer. Or… Orly Taitz. I think you may have jumped the gun bestowing the title.

  202. Tommykey said,

    January 12, 2009 at 4:42

    Sus, Ben Shapiro is America’s worst inexperienced lawyer.

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