Jan
6
6
Shorter John Hawkins
Above: Juggs Magazine subscriber since 1994.
- Annoying jackass, muslim, hypocrite, fag [LOOK AT THOSE TITTIES], gay homo fag, loudmouth dyke moonbat, fag-loving negro, [MORE TITS] godless commie, fag [BODACIOUS TATAS], fag shitter, bitchslutwhore, [NICE RACK] ginormous homotron robofag monster.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Jay B. said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:19
Point:
10) Bill Maher: People like acidic atheist Bill Maher are what’s wrong with politics today. He’s shallow as a kiddie pool, intolerably rude, and insufferably smug.
Counterpoint:
9) Barney Frank: Frank is a prissy, snide, obnoxious creep.
Advantage: Internet!
Michael said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:21
So he’s been going after the “20 Most Annoying Liberals of 2008″ for seven years? Man’s a visionary. Or an illiterate.
alec said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:22
Well, I see what you’re saying, but to be fair, your mother sleeps with everyone.
Arky4That1 said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:28
Shorter Honorable Mentions: EVERY SINGLE LIEBERUL IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!
Now can someone explain how a TV show can be a liberal?
pat said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:30
Or a newspaper? I think at least two made honorable (!) mention.
Gary Ruppert said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:30
The fact is, Andrew Sullivan is the worst because he is a trater to the USA cause and he is gay.
Tommmcatt said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:34
Alternate Shorter:
E Chu Ta, Liberals! Yo can ta bantha poodoo!
D.N. Nation said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:43
Good point, Gary. Glad to have Andrew Fucking Sullivan on our liberal crew.
Righteous Bubba said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:47
18) The View: If you’ve never seen The View before, picture your water cooler at work. You walk up to it and for a moment, you think you’re about to have a great conversation because Elisabeth Hasselbeck is standing there.
YEAH! YEAH! A GREAT … … uh … conversation.
D.N. Nation said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:47
Also…Ted Rall? Didn’t the sometimes-well-deserved ragegasms over Rall cease being cool in, like, 2004?
Loneoak said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:47
HTML’s nameless list sounds a lot like a dinner party at my place.
actor212 said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:48
Well, if anyone should know from large tits, it’s this bobbletitted manwhore.
Simba B said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:49
I am suspicious that that photo is not only not a ’shop, but that he has never served in any military or other capacity that would necessitate such an outfit.
Loneoak said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:55
Oh noes! He’s done made fun o’ da cab-eenit. Whateva shall we do?
actor212 said,
January 6, 2009 at 1:56
I am suspicious that that photo is not only not a ’shop, but that he has never served in any military or other capacity that would necessitate such an outfit.
Sure he did!
Special
EdOps, Short Bus Battalion. The Fighting ‘Tards.The Dumbest Dumbshit Who Ever Dumbed said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:02
Oh boy! It’s time once again forrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
The Troof's Penis said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:03
Hey, is anyone going to actually come here and touch me?
I’ve pretty much give up on anyone alive; now I just want one of Glenn Reynolds’ fembots to drop my shorts before mommy gets home!
Djur said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:03
What exactly is Andrew Sullivan doing on that list? Unlike someone like John Cole, he’s never renounced his earlier political allegiances. I don’t think he’s changed at all since the “fifth column” article, nor since the Bell Curve debacle at TNR. He’s loosely aligned with the “left” side of the political debate only because the right wing has gone completely off the rails. I have no doubt that within a few years, he’ll have returned to form as a mercenary right-wing hack.
Andrew Sullivan is only a liberal if you’re so right-wing that Newt Gingrich is a limp-wristed appeaser.
alec said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:04
Oh lawdy, the left has been deprived of the sensible counsel of notable Hispanic Billy-Bob “Whitey” Richardson III, what will we do now that multiculturalism has failed us, &c.
Sammy said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:04
<a href=”Simba – I’ll tell you what, though. Hawkins bears a striking resemblance to a certain fighter pilot, a genuine hero who tragically lost his life defending liberty from the forces of evil.
I think we all know who I’m talking about here.
Simba B said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:05
Porkins seems like an appropriate nickname for this guy.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:08
I think we all know who I’m talking about here.
He was my second choice after John Candy.
actor212 said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:08
Especially the crash-and-burn aspect…
Just change “Eject!” to “Ejaculate!” and you have gay porn at its best!
Another kiwi said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:09
John Hawkins
Who looks like Mr Porkins
is actually a Dorkins
I knew that 6 years in the secret poetry training camps of Venezuela would pay off.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:20
I knew that 6 years in the secret poetry training camps of Venezuela would pay off.
They did indeed. But through no fault of your own, the bizarre form of synesthesia with which I am afflicted caused me to hear it as though read by Dick Van Dyke in his scenery-chomping British accent from Mary Poppins when I read it.
My head is a scary place to live sometimes.
Crissa said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:27
At least his list is mostly liberals.
Honestly, I can agree with him on some of the people. Luckily, they’re not leaders of our party. Some of them aren’t liberals. (Andrew Sullivan? Barney Frank? Bill Mahar?) And some of them don’t make sense: ‘Al Gore and his discredited global warming…’ WTF?
Okay, I guess if you pee your pants and don’t think global warming is real, then that might be a bit annoying.
Also, bit confused as to how liberals created the liquidity problem in the economy…
actor212 said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:28
the bizarre form of synesthesia with which I am afflicted
I never get the cool diseases…
Djur said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:37
“Fifth-Column” Sullivan and “Flu-Shot” Maher are not liberals. Christopher “Drink-Soaked Former Trotskyist Popinjay” Hitchens has never been a liberal, having once been a leftist and now being a neocon. Jeremiah “Bullet-Wound” Wright is more of a leftist than a liberal; calling Juan Cole “annoying” suggests that all someone has to do to annoy John Hawkins is to exist and publish their opinions; Al Gore’s appearance on the list at place #4 while having done basically nothing all year suggests an animus dating back to that time Al Gore got the last meatballs at Subway and John had to wait an extra five minutes for his sandwich.
Bookmark This, Liberals said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:38
The most anticipated book of the year… finally revealed!
Another kiwi said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:44
Oim sorry Guvnor oi din’t know yew was afflickerted.
His performance is a crime against humanity
Smut Clyde said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:45
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
My head is a scary place to live sometimes.
Apart from everything else, the drapes clash with the wallpaper. And don’t mention the state of the drains.
Santa Claustrophobia said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:57
I read the shorter version and laugh. (Is it a shame to be able to tell many of the references?) So I click the link thinking I’ll have a decent laugh about it and find it’s just a bog standard list of ‘annoying liberals’.
It makes me miss DU’s Conservative Idiots list…
oogber said,
January 6, 2009 at 2:59
Wow. Talk about projection, Retardo….
I guess you progglie-wogglies get massively uptight when you have to hold in what you really think about “those people”. So, when it’s time to let off all that pressure and really cut loose, you just project it onto the nearest wingnut. Must be refreshing and liberating!!
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:05
Firstly, my condolences on not even being listed on the Honorable Mentions list (geez, couldn’t he even have bothered to call it the “DIShonorable Mantions”).
Second, while I agree that Eliot Spitzer is a hypocrite, you could have made the entry a little less “Jealous much?”
Thirdly, It’s Senator-Elect Franken.
Fourthly, Hte BUTTOCKS!!!!
and Lastly but not leastly PENIS
HTML Mencken said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:09
Um, Hawkins’s penchant for impugning the masculinity of homosexuals is almost as consistent as his habit of including T&A photos of hot chicks (or “hot chicks”, cf. his many posts on and interviews with female conservative bloggers).
Mr. Green Jeans™³²®© said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:17
Mister Hawkins is merely reminding everyone of what a manly man he is. Just in case they happen to forget, or some such.
alec said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:36
Not that they’d forget, of course, because he’s so butch’n'all.
I really wished I lived in the kind of world where describing someone shoehorning Andrew Sullivan into a list of liberals to be able to complain more about homos in it as maybe a little obsessed with teh gays is ‘projection’. It seems like it’d be convenient.
I mean, except for all of the black people trying to steal your stuff all the time, but hey, what else do they make shit moats for?
M. Bouffant said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:38
Oh yeah. This’n had me laughing aloud.
Thank you, djur. (‘Zat stand for Disc Jockey something something?)
Cpl. Cam said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:40
Bill Ayers makes the list? Can anyone even remember a single fucking thing Bill Ayers said in 2008 besides maybe “Obama and I aren’t really that close…?” I can’t.
Hell, the only reason anyone was annoyed by him at all was because shitsticks like Porkins here kept harping on it. But he really can’t blame Ayers for that, can he?
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:41
Question. That graphic reminds a lot of the Mechcommander video game. Is this because I am a total freaking nerdy l00zzors or because something along those lines was implied.
P.S. “Why can’t it be both?” is an acceptable response.
M. Bouffant said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:41
Very nice shorter. Don’t always whip over to see the entire wing-nut post, but this shorter is sooo concise that one must see from what it was distilled.
Cpl. Cam said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:42
By ” Bill Ayers makes the list” I meant “gets honorable mention.”
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:46
Also, in “Dear John” Hawkins’ defense, the picture of Ashley Alexandre “Kirsten” Dupré doesn’t show her tits. Also, despite being a little thin for my taste, and WAY over any budget I’ve even dreamed of, “Kirsten” is hawt, with a capital “OMFG I’d do her”. And by that, I mean shes fucking hot and makes me funny in the dirty place.
alec said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:47
p.s.: For future reference, like many other words we evil radicals use, ‘projection’ actually has a meaning independent of its surrounding context. It does not, in fact, refer to someone having a scandalous ideology or being personally loathsome, but rather refers to someone openly suggesting that traits in clear evidence about themselves exist in others. Say:
– a fat dweeb with a hardware fetish who feels compelled to point out whenever he is aroused by a large breast suggesting that a series of famous homosexuals are less than manful, and also probably gay;
- a Republican dittohead who actually feels compelled to harass a comedy blog of his own volition with week-old RNC talking points in between fervently accusing people who raise his comically pitiful ire of every political failing in the book;
- add your own examples here, perhaps of Michael Moore, in spite of believing in global warming, projecting his enormous girth and probably using Adlai Stephenson’s shoes as a jerk-hole.
Simba B said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:51
I think it’s time to tweak that Python script. I’ll bet you could come up with some pretty nice fuzzy matching that covers pretty much all corruptions of ‘goober’.
alec said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:51
djur is stolen from Card, which I occasionally like to harass him about.
When all else fails, remember: he stops being funny after three sentences, I stop being funny before three. Also, he’s human and I’m Irish.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:53
(’Zat stand for Disc Jockey something something?)
I’ve always thought it might be an abbreviation for de jure or du jour.
Mr. Wonderful said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:54
“He was my second choice after John Candy.”
I second Xecky. And my theory, which is a theory and is mine, is that Hawkins puts you in mind of Dick Van Dyke because you’re confusing his “Cockney” accent with that of whoever played Long John Silver in the Disney version of Treasure Island, with his “Mah-ster Jim ‘awkins, is it?” pirate-type diction.
Innit?
Simba B said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:55
Hey, somehow this banner managed to sneak through Adblock. Kinda sums up the intended audience for this article pretty well, non?
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:55
djur is stolen from Card…
aha.
Also, he’s human and I’m Irish.
And I am Irish too.
…Irish stew?
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
January 6, 2009 at 3:59
Innit?
That could well be the reason my brain chose the Van Dyke faux-Brit. (I think the Disney Long John Silver was Robert Newton, the scurviest scallywag ever to growl an “Arrrr”.)
I’m not sure why it happens but I’m often left with the distinct impression that I’ve heard words spoken aloud when I’ve actually just read them.
Happily, I’ve never heard any disembodied and unaccounted-for voices saying anything other than stuff I’m reading.
Another kiwi said,
January 6, 2009 at 4:00
No I arrest you! Hah!
Christopher said,
January 6, 2009 at 4:01
Okay, I’m not really one to watch The View so I may be talking out of my ass, but do people really see Elisabeth Hasselbeck and say to themselves, “Alright! Now I’m in for a really deep, thought-provoking conversation!”?
Also, Andrew Sullivan is the worst liberal of 2007. Which I guess makes sense; when you’re a conservative, you’re pretty much by definition bad at being a liberal.
M. Bouffant said,
January 6, 2009 at 4:05
Oooops, cannot read, ’twas alec, not djur. Still laughing though.
(Cannot tell where one post stops & the next starts, to be technical.)
Mr. Green Jeans™³²®© said,
January 6, 2009 at 4:06
I remember having a water cooler at work. Back in 1980.
alec said,
January 6, 2009 at 4:08
Museum of Modern Art #2235, Liberated People’s Republic of the Flyover Country.
A frame surrounds the installation, some kind of post-modern statement or another.
The faint shadows of patronizing mood-setting flat figures suggest an anthropology display.
(Six different remakes of Red Dawn synchronize for a moment and then trail off, production growing worse as the length increases –
Wolveri-i-ii-ines! — iiines! -aaaaaahns! Hoo-ah!)
An unreasonably large plasticine bag of ready-to-eat snacks sits just under a soft LED light.
Most of the writing is clearly ad copy, even to someone who does not know the language.
Even if they did, they would probably not know the cheese level posed no real danger.
(Or did it?)
On the side, a single inscription, original, in black ink.
HIGH JACK THIS FAGS
I Have No Suburbs And I Must White-Fly, says the title.
M. Bouffant said,
January 6, 2009 at 4:20
As opposed to the IQ-lowering effect of that sixth diet soda of the day,
you hideous tub of idiotic lard? (Trying to be more civil during the New, Improved Yr., because every time I type “fuck,” or any variation thereof, God kills another Palestinian.)thalarctos said,
January 6, 2009 at 4:22
I always just assumed /^s?he$/ was Swedish, since “djur” is Swedish for “animal”.
Lesley said,
January 6, 2009 at 4:23
That guy looks like John Candy (with apologies to the dearly departed).
M. Bouffant said,
January 6, 2009 at 4:25
Buy gold & food now, before the rampaging hordes of colored ‘mos that the Jooos have been hiding in the hollow earth are loosed on us by Obama’s mystical inauguration oath taken on the Qu’ran. In Hawai’i! Which is too a foreign country!
Send $39.95 for instructions on how to buy gold & food from shady Internet suppliers. Use the Paypal button!!
M. Bouffant, The Fix-It Guy said,
January 6, 2009 at 4:27
I remember having
a water cooler atwork. Back in 1980.Arky said,
January 6, 2009 at 4:29
I prefer to picture my water cooler at play.
fauxmaxbaer said,
January 6, 2009 at 4:52
Roseanne Barr? Cynthia McKinney? And yet Olbermann only gets an honorable mention. That calls for a special comment.
justme said,
January 6, 2009 at 5:05
You know, because the gubmint forced, I say FORCED, all those fine banking institutions to give loans to the feckless darkies.
Oh, wait…
tigrismus said,
January 6, 2009 at 5:06
The genius of Elizabeth Hasselbeck. I’d be surprised if she could even operate the water cooler, but were she able to eventually puzzle it out without drowning her palaver still wouldn’t raise the level of conversation or the IQ of anyone other than Hawkins.
Djur said,
January 6, 2009 at 5:12
It’s true, it’s true. But I’d have dropped it long ago if OSC hadn’t just lifted it directly out of Swedish. And he only used it once in an aside.
I was twelve, all right? Nobody gets the reference unless you tell them, fatty. Otherwise they just think I’m a Swedish furry.
Smiling Mortician said,
January 6, 2009 at 5:22
I dunno, tigrismus, I might actually tune in if I thought I might see Elizabeth Hasselbeck drown her palaver.
Simba B said,
January 6, 2009 at 5:35
I’ve come around to Mr. Leon Trotsky’s point of view regarding killfiles. After all, we have fast computers and lots of memory these days. What match is a simple Javascript array for a Core 2 Duo backed by 3GB of RAM?
Mr. Green Jeans™³²®© said,
January 6, 2009 at 5:45
The Silent Audience said,
January 6, 2009 at 5:29
*sniff* *whine* *wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*
Fencedude said,
January 6, 2009 at 6:45
The only good thing about EliSabeth Hasselback is seeing Whoopie give her the “wtf is wrong with you bitch?” look after she says something stupid.
…which is apparently everything she says, seeing as how Whoopie always has that look in every clip I’ve seen from the show involving Hasselback speaking
Objective Scrutator said,
January 6, 2009 at 6:47
Damn, half the people he puts on his list aren’t even mainstream liberals.
I’ll agree with him on Andrew Sullivan, though. About the only arguments from Sullivan I ever thought were original and insightful were his articles about torture. Everything else is either rather unimaginative, or it’s just plain stupid. The man pretty much destroyed TNR’s reputation, although not singlehandedly. I’m still baffled at how
The View is an incredibly stupid show, with only Whoopi having any potential to make decent arguments, but Hasselbeck is by far and away the stupidest person that has ever been on the show, apart from Rosie O’Donnell (who never seemed to be composed of much other than 9/11 Truther gobbledygook). Remember the ‘handbag designer’ incident?
Oh, and this is comedy gold:
By, ‘un-senatorial’, does he mean, ‘having the gall to ask for the absentee ballots to be recounted’ (which, incidentally, is Minnesota law)? And although Franken *is* an asshole, Coleman is a much, much bigger one.
It seems like every time a conservative writes an article, they have to take a potshot at liberals. Liberals don’t seem to do that as much.
rogbeo said,
January 6, 2009 at 7:04
I think it’s time to tweak that Python script. I’ll bet you could come up with some pretty nice fuzzy matching that covers pretty much all corruptions of ‘goober’.
LOL. Tweak away, my dear. You’ll have to do better than that, like cover for variations such as “tellGandyOiOsaidBheyER” and so forth.
rogbeo said,
January 6, 2009 at 7:07
BTW, if I were as dumb as you think I am I wouldn’t know how to game your adorable little script, would I Simba?
No no, of course not.
jim said,
January 6, 2009 at 10:27
Al Gore? Roseanne Barr? Tweety?
Yeesh.
Everything you need to know about Hawkins’ post is at the bottom.
Sadly, no, you can’t give it 0/5.
Looks like someone’s going to be staying in after class.
Celia the lurker said,
January 6, 2009 at 10:40
Barney Frank’s mighty cock broke the economy.
Juggs magazine said,
January 6, 2009 at 10:57
I never loved him
RvB said,
January 6, 2009 at 13:19
I love the banner ad on the site:
AMERICA FARTING!
It’s more than a wakeup call, it’s a vicious punch to the colon!
D. Sidhe said,
January 6, 2009 at 16:02
Happily, I’ve never heard any disembodied and unaccounted-for voices saying anything other than stuff I’m reading.
It’s not as bad as people suggest, frankly. But then, I can tell which of them are real and which aren’t. This is because, and here’s where my shrinks start twitching, I have a voice that tells me which bits of what I’m hearing and seeing aren’t real. As they say, if all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Me, all I have is crazy, and everything still looks like a nail.
Bony Baloney said,
January 6, 2009 at 16:15
I’ve been on Usenet since 1983, and I can tell you this about shit-pantsed attention seekers: they gotta see their nicknames up on the screen, or they wither and die. It’s not enough to be an adolescent jackoff monkey, they need recognition. If you can’t tag ‘em permanently with a thirty byte regex, they aren’t truly annoying.
In the long run it’s better to plonk the one or two regulars who reply to every fuckin’ post the local neckbeard makes, frankly. (You know who you are.) You waste 3x as much space whining and derailing, and aren’t really one of the interesting or amusing ones, anyway — that’s another rule of thumb.
tophat said,
January 6, 2009 at 16:35
Another asshole who thinks liberal means “people I don’t like.”
Hitchen’s is an annoying liberal in the same way that penguins are annoying ceiling fans.
MzNicky said,
January 6, 2009 at 17:56
Roseanne Barr? Cynthia McKinney?
Yes, I noticed that too. I guess this annoyance was trying to be an equal-gender-opportunity librul-hater in his own retarded misogynist way.
Someone or other said,
January 6, 2009 at 19:02
I am suspicious that that photo is not only not a ’shop, but that he has never served in any military or other capacity that would necessitate such an outfit.
There is an article about his military service here.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
January 6, 2009 at 21:33
Andrew Sullivan is only a liberal if you’re so right-wing that Newt Gingrich is a limp-wristed appeaser.
Talk about pushing that Overton Window!
actor212 said,
January 6, 2009 at 21:36
There is an article about his military service here.
I was RIGHT! He IS a member of Special
EdOps, the Fightin’ Tards!Joe said,
January 6, 2009 at 22:11
What a moron. The fact that he thinks his #1 choice is even a liberal and that he believes Maher is a pundit instead of a comedian is priceless.
Another kiwi said,
January 6, 2009 at 23:03
Iff’n youse can talk proper you is a pundit. In wingnutworld.