1
Good thing I didn’t tell him about the dirty knife
Nix draws our attention to this huge wave of stupid:
A private investigator in Hawaii has uncovered the divorce decree for Barack Obama’s father and mother, which indicates they had “one child under the age of eighteen, born in Kenya.”
While the (first) punchline isn’t quite at the level of the one referenced above, it’s damn close:
Hale does admit to incomplete certainty of his investigator’s work until he receives it, partially due to the PI’s accent, the telephone connection, and his slight hearing impediment.
Awesome. And in time for the new year, the post was updated today:
In his 7:45pm Plains Radio broadcast, this last night, Ed Hale backed down from his prior assertion of having gained even uncertain information about the Barack Sr. / Stanley Ann divorce decree containing language referring to Barack Jr. as being born in Kenya. Instead, Hale referred to an apparently tricky recollection… of an indeterminate person… referring to such a document’s generally referring to the place of birth of the children of the divorced parents. That is not what I heard from Mr. Hale on the 31st.
Seems like there are a lot of accents and hearing impediments going around these days.
Arky the Lumberjack said,
January 1, 2009 at 22:57
Eh! What’s that ye say? Barack Obama was born in Kenya??
No! I said, the slack pajamas were torn on a fender!
Whoo-ee! Do you have proof that Barack Obama was born in Kenya, any documents?
I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT OBAMA!
What’s that about his mamma?
etc.
Mr Potato Head said,
January 1, 2009 at 22:59
Final answer: Colonel Mustard in the parlor with a candlestick?
Smut Clyde said,
January 1, 2009 at 23:04
Just to save time, how about we pretend that all the witty and cogent responses to this post have already been made, so I can start ranting about ‘herring impediments’?
Smut Clyde said,
January 1, 2009 at 23:16
In this architectural detail from the US Capitol, note the boy catching the fish at the extreme left.
It is in fact a herring in pediment.
klyde said,
January 1, 2009 at 23:19
Speaking of accents when is API going to get us those tapes? Speaking of assholes when is Larry Johnson going to get us those whitey tapes?
goob said,
January 1, 2009 at 23:21
Man, I wish our side would give it a rest already.
He’s the President, get over it.
Meanwhile, proggies everywhere have a new hero: James Chester Blanning!!
http://www.rockymountainnews.com/news/2009/jan/01/suspect-dead-aspen-bomb-threats-last-will-sent-tim/
DrDick said,
January 1, 2009 at 23:22
Seems like there are a lot of accents and hearing impediments going around these days.
Nah, just the normal wingnut cognitive impediment which prohibits them from comprehending anything which contradicts their Bizzaro Worldview.
mikey said,
January 1, 2009 at 23:23
Damn, it’s like the old wallet-on-a-string trick.
The same rubes fall for it every time.
‘Cause, y’know, sure, the last thirty one times it’s been false, but that doesn’t mean that THIS time won’t be different!
Hee hee…
mikey
DrDick said,
January 1, 2009 at 23:23
so I can start ranting about ‘herring impediments’?
There is something fishy about that statement.
Me said,
January 1, 2009 at 23:27
From the U.S. Code, TITLE 8 > CHAPTER 12 > SUBCHAPTER III > Part I > § 1401
The following shall be nationals and citizens of the United States at birth:
(g) a person born outside the geographical limits of the United States and its outlying possessions of parents one of whom is an alien, and the other a citizen of the United States…
I’m not very good with legal jargon, but doesn’t this seem to settle the matter?
Wyatt Watts III said,
January 1, 2009 at 23:31
And now it’s time for another exciting episode of Emily Litella, Hawaiian Private Investigator.
Page 683 of 'Gravity's Rainbow' said,
January 1, 2009 at 23:36
accents and hearing impediments
For instance, “Minne Khlaetsch, an astrologer of the Hamburg School, who was, congenitally it seems, unable to pronounce, even perceive, umlauts over vowels.”
johnbinpt said,
January 1, 2009 at 23:49
Um, did the accent sound at all Nigerian, and was there mention of a large sum of money that could be yours if you just gave him a little help using your bank account?
owlbear1 said,
January 1, 2009 at 23:52
In 2010, we really have try to force every Republican candidate in the nation from dogcatcher to Senator to produce a ‘vault copy’ of their birth certificates.
Should make it a tradition…
PirateRo said,
January 1, 2009 at 23:55
Maybe that’s why he’s always talking about change! He comes from an imporverished country and they just don’t have folding money!
Loneoak said,
January 2, 2009 at 0:21
Thick accent? Could that be Mr. Korir?
Summer said,
January 2, 2009 at 0:36
owlbear1, I think I love you.
dex said,
January 2, 2009 at 0:41
would ed hale happen to look or sound anything like this?
The Whitey Tape said,
January 2, 2009 at 0:50
You savvy tok, boi?
Another Kiwi said,
January 2, 2009 at 0:52
Herring impedimentia can lead people into mishearing “fish and chips”. I’m just sayin’
pat said,
January 2, 2009 at 0:56
Sadly, no.
noen said,
January 2, 2009 at 0:57
“an apparently tricky recollection… of an indeterminate person… referring to such a document’s generally referring to the place of birth of the children of the divorced parents.”
Good to see the investigation is on solid ground.
Another Kiwi said,
January 2, 2009 at 0:57
When you go to the Hawaii 5- Oh fcuk! site, why is there a bloke on a bicycle? Is this so people can say that thing about “…and the bike you rode on” ?
pat said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:00
I’m not very good with legal jargon, but doesn’t this seem to settle the matter?
This was the subject of many many posts at Salon a couple of weeks ago. Two or three non-believers (or rather true believers that Obama is NOT ELIGIBLE) went on for days, wearing out several posters who tried to make exactly that point.
It. Did. Not. Work.
noen said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:02
‘herring impediments’?
Cod help us.
Susan of Texas said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:03
It would be so easy to plant more ludicrous stories with these idiots. Personally, I think Batboy is underutilized as an urban myth.
Bat Boy is Obama’s illegitimate brother! Bat Boy testifies his brother was born in Kenya! Bat Boy’s illicit yearning for Michelle!
It could work.
pat said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:05
Watch for this fiction about the divorce papers to be repeated as gospel. I’m sure someone is already preparing the court case.
Can’t salmon stop them?
Heh.
EnfantTerrible said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:08
What’s all this about herring in Piedmont?
noen said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:11
More like herring in whine sauce.
Drummer Hoff said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:23
No… I’m still not getting anything… Er, could you try it in a higher register?
Smut Clyde said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:23
There is something heart-wringingly poignant about the sight of one person still clinging to this lost cause, when more pragmatic bloggers have long since abandoned it. ‘Tis the last roes of summer.
mingo said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:26
hey, I have a herring impediment! It gives me haddocks.
Rayl said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:37
What batshit crazy idea will these guys trout out next?
Heh, heh
R. V. Dump said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:37
I knew all along this story smelt.
Candy said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:46
I’ll just sit here on my lofty perch and watch the punsters filet themselves.
J— said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:47
Happy New Year, everyone.
It’s all quite understandable. The mustache sometimes makes it little hard to understand him. Plus the rocking music. Sometimes it’s hard to hear what he’s saying because it is so rocking and you just feel the need to crank it up.
jon said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:51
Were George Washington’s parents US citizens?
What fuckwits.
Candy said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:56
this whole birth certificate thing makes the Truthers, in comparison, look like rational people with a credible theory. Jebus but this whole Kenyan birth thing is the stoopidest conspiracy/cover-up theory of all time.
fauxmaxbaer said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:57
A private investigator in Hawaii
Is that Thomas Magnum PI?
Smut Clyde said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:00
They’ll get over it. Time eels all wounds.
Arky the Lumberjack said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:11
Nope, ‘cos if you tilt your head to the left, squint and hold your breath for 45 seconds while you wank like a lonely bonobo, it becomes obvious that this isn’t the vault copy of the U.SC.
His Grace said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:16
Candy, has the conspiracy gotten to you too? Don’t you realize that THEY have watched Obama from his “birth” from two Marxist Witches in Kenya, transported his illegal immigrant self to America, instructed him in the art of ineligibleness with the help of Bill Ayers and Louis Farrakhan, watched over him for 47 years knowing that one day he would steal the primaries from Hillary and then the general election from Sarah Palin to become president. They even suppressed the idea of Natural Born Citizen from the days of Chester A. Arthur onward, knowing that one day there would exist a child that would allow their plans to come to fruition. What are these plans you might ask? Why would someone go to so much trouble for so many years to put someone
we clearly don’t likewho is clearly ineligible on the throne of the Whited House?I don’t have any clue whatsoever.
RyRy Cooter said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:17
Ono! Too many fish puns. It’s a mackerel I haven’t snappered.
Bill S said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:20
I have a question for SadlyNauts that is unrelated to the above blogpost. I pose it to you because you are more frequently exposed to the feeble mind of Marie Jon than I am, and it may very well be that I have read a recent column by her incorrectly:
http://www.renewamerica.us/column/jon/081231
Am I imagining things, or…did she just say that anyone who teaches children that homosexuals exist shoulbe killed?
Bill S said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:21
Sorry. Linky thing wrong. Will try to find correct one.
RyRy Cooter said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:22
His Grace,
Well, because Obama is the Antichrist and he needs to become president to… ummmm…. errr…. use FEMA to tag everyone with the mark of the beast?
Damn, even that doesn’t help it make sense.
Bill S said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:25
trying again (and apologizing again for posting in this thread. but as kooky as she is, this is kinda disturbing.)
http://www.renewamerica.us/columns/jon/081231
Me said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:37
Am I imagining things, or…did she just say that anyone who teaches children that homosexuals exist should be killed?
Pretty much. I also enjoyed this passage:
Attempting to alter a child’s sexual identity is beyond despicable and reprehensible.
That must be why they wait until gay people are into adulthood before they try to “cure them”.
FEMA Tagger™³²®© said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:38
Damn, even that doesn’t help it make sense.
RyRy Cooter, did you know that many of my fellow employees are from Endor?
RyRy Cooter said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:41
Am I imagining things, or…did she just say that anyone who teaches children that homosexuals exist shoulbe killed?
Yeah, that’s pretty much how I read it, Bill. The lack of self-awareness on display in that screed is really stunning. I mean, she writes shit like this:
After plugging an “ex-gay” ministry and a ‘program’ devoted to abusing teh gay out of kids.
It’s almost like she thinks homosexuality is a cult or something like, I dunno, Christianity. Don’t tell her about IVF or her head might explode.
I think the real kicker is her collection of links. Just mouse over a few for some laughs. I think my favorite might be “In Canada, teaching the Word about homosexuality is a crime and considered hate speech,” which links to a Google search of “In Canada, just teaching the Word about homosexuality is a crime and considered hate speech.”
RyRy Cooter said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:43
did you know that many of my fellow employees are from Endor?
Then obviously they aren’t Wookies.
ChristMD said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:47
Wingnuts are sure he’d be scrod if he had to produce the vault certificate.
Me said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:53
As much as I hate pun contests, this one remains a favorite of mine:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/ulrichp/1362599/
Smut Clyde said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:56
Since
homosexualspriests are unable to procreate, they will increase their population by tampering with children’s minds.Fixated.
Gary Ruppert said,
January 2, 2009 at 2:56
The fact is, conservatives like Marie Jon’ run rings around you liberals with her fact based logic not biased by emotion or hate for USA or bias toward the left wing. She sites her sources, unlike liberals who make things up and call it reality, which is all they do with their stranglehold on public education and the media.
Gary Ruppert said,
January 2, 2009 at 3:00
The fact is, Obama will soon be exposed as not really American, with irrefuteble proof that he is faking his citizenship and is a marxist plant to make USA into socialism.
GSD said,
January 2, 2009 at 3:01
Obama is a foreigner. I rewatched some of the Terri Schiavo videos and that is the message she was blinking in morse code.
Case closed.
-GSD
WereBear said,
January 2, 2009 at 3:09
All this secret information in locked in a vault…
and the password is…
Swordfish.
Trofim Lysenko said,
January 2, 2009 at 3:10
Hey Gary! I got your Marxist plants right here!
Trofim Lysenko said,
January 2, 2009 at 3:10
Also, FYWP, but in Cyrillic.
fardels bear said,
January 2, 2009 at 3:18
Is this the Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night?
His Grace said,
January 2, 2009 at 3:26
Gary, come on, make an effort to tie in EVERY talking point. Didn’t Larry Sinclair prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Obama himself was gay? Didn’t Obama seduce his own child molesters? Please if you are going to keep at this troll thing you’re gonna have to mess up on these obvious tie-ins. At least mention that he could be Malcolm X’s love child. That has nothing to do with anything but really neither do any of the allegations.
King Quaker said,
January 2, 2009 at 3:32
“Send reinforcements, we’re going to advance.”
“Send three and sixpence, we’re going to a dance?”
Loneoak said,
January 2, 2009 at 3:33
I love how Sadly Naughts hammerhead the wingnuts with a unique brand of sharky humor.
g said,
January 2, 2009 at 3:42
He’s Malcolm X’s love child, born of Ann Dunham, and since they’re both American citizens, it’s quite obvious that he is not a citizen.
Um, right?
mmeetoilenoir said,
January 2, 2009 at 4:07
They keep on whiting out all of the logical proof, floundering around for these little crumbs of crap. They better watch it, or their credibility will go straight up the pike.
J.D. Rhoades said,
January 2, 2009 at 4:11
I see that S,N! continues to scale new heights. It’s no wunder I’m hooked.
FEMA Tagger™³²®© said,
January 2, 2009 at 4:12
Right, g!
In other news, Born to Lose.
Furthermore, Louie Louie.
His Grace said,
January 2, 2009 at 4:13
G you forgot that Obama moved to Indonesia and was adopted by Lolo Soetoro , which makes him (even though he was Malcolm X’s secret secret-Muslim love child) also ineligible because natural born citizenship can be cancelled in this way despite a complete lack of court cases or common law basis.
See it’s the circle of ineligibility. He was born in Kenya. Even if he’s not, he’s ineligible because his father had British and Kenyan citizenship. Even if he’s not, he’s ineligible because he was adopted by an Indonesian. Even if that’s not the case he was born in Kenya. And so forth.
The Cat said,
January 2, 2009 at 4:26
No, actually. Per Wikipedia, that’s only been true since 1986. Before that, both parents had to be US citizens.
It’s irrelevant though, since the “vault copy” in Hawaii has been independently examined anyway. To any non-crazy person, that should settle it.
Andre said,
January 2, 2009 at 4:34
There’s not a shadow of a trout in my mind that the wingnuts are looking for Jesus at the bottom of a whiskey bottle.
Kenya said,
January 2, 2009 at 4:36
For fuck’s sake, leave us the god-damned hell alone, you fucking lunatics!! What the Dick Cheney-fucking Hell did we ever do to you?!?
Seriously – fuck off!!!
I’m talking to you, Daragh, Polarik and “Dr” whateverthefuckyournameis Taitz.
(Kenya is a beautiful country, with many wonderful and friendly people. Now, go away!)
henry lewis said,
January 2, 2009 at 4:37
To any non-crazy person, that should settle it.
Shorter Gary Ruppert:
The turtle holding up the earth says shut up, that’s why.
ckc (not kc) said,
January 2, 2009 at 4:37
…I’m distressed that there’s been no mention of Mongo
Smut Clyde said,
January 2, 2009 at 4:39
Mongo only prawn in game of life?
Billy Bass said,
January 2, 2009 at 4:40
Take me to the river.
What?
ckc (not kc) said,
January 2, 2009 at 4:47
(no, not THAT Mongo!!)
Susan of Texas said,
January 2, 2009 at 4:49
Drop me in the water.
FEMA Tagger™³²®© said,
January 2, 2009 at 4:52
Five minutes in the penalty box for Mr. Bass.
There’s a reason it’s called a MANDATORY youtube
Wordyeti arap Korir arap Shunpike said,
January 2, 2009 at 5:16
This is a scheme so transparent that is must’ve been dreamed up by someone with the mental capacity of Jerry’s Squids.
(knight appears, beats commenter with rubber chicken)
Larkspur said,
January 2, 2009 at 5:18
I don’t know why I love you like I do.
But maybe it’s just for the halibut.
Wordyeti arap Korir arap Shunpike said,
January 2, 2009 at 5:24
C’mon. Fess up. Who here has the account in the Caymans that all the wingnut desperate hope/delusional fear dollars are getting funneled into by the phoney Chief Editor?
Is it a coincidence that the Giant Gay Hamsters are looking suspiciously well-fed these days?
mingo said,
January 2, 2009 at 5:25
good night and have a very happy new year, all you wonderful gills and buoys!!
Roly-Poly Fish Heads said,
January 2, 2009 at 5:26
Eat us up, yum!
Another Kiwi said,
January 2, 2009 at 5:29
The porpoiseful life tells us: don’t get crabby about life’s setbacks. It’s a rod for your own back. If the net result of a day’s endeavour is shrimply to little to be of use, it’s a new day tomorrow. Coral your fears and anxieties, don’t let them mussel in on your life. You have to keep fighting, use a 1′ x 6′ board of wood. Phytoplankt on.
*collapses due to pun levels exceeding UN guideline*
Smut Clyde said,
January 2, 2009 at 5:42
All this time I was looking for whisky in the bottom of a Jesus bottle.
krassen said,
January 2, 2009 at 5:42
Fearing AIDS would help you, gays!
…I mean…
Hearing aids would help you, guys!
Smut Clyde said,
January 2, 2009 at 5:47
Particularly nasty weather!
Another Kiwi said,
January 2, 2009 at 5:59
They do say that north ‘o the Bombays been getting some rain. ARRRH batten down the ‘atches!
Smut Clyde said,
January 2, 2009 at 7:25
batten down the ‘atches!
Maliciously or otherwise, AK has managed to miss the point of the
arse-with-a-feathernasty-weather joke, so I shall tell it again, this time in a more roguish voice.73!
The Dark Avenger said,
January 2, 2009 at 7:31
This is so bathetic!
beppe said,
January 2, 2009 at 7:49
In this architectural detail from the US Capitol, note the boy catching the fish at the extreme left.
It is in fact a herring in pediment.
Forget the puns, that’s some da Vinci Code level shit going on…
FEMA Tagger™³²®© said,
January 2, 2009 at 8:19
Alan Dershowitz, celebrity whore and war crimes cheerleader.
SFAW said,
January 2, 2009 at 8:28
73!
You never could tell that joke right
SFAW said,
January 2, 2009 at 8:29
… and it’s 37, by the way.
noen said,
January 2, 2009 at 8:34
I’m not sure I understand the porpoise of all this punning. It seems to star fish and other sea life but the urchin sea has dwindled some. And… oh look, now you’ve done it. My hovercraft is full of eels. Bastards.
SFAW said,
January 2, 2009 at 8:36
In all seriousness (so to speak): Arlen Williams and his commenters make Pammy Atlas Jugs look coherent and hyper-rational. And that ain’t easy.
“I could wile away the hours
Conferrin’ with the flowers
Consultin’ with the rain
And my head I’d be scratchin’
While my thoughts were busy hatchin’
If I only had a bream”
FEMA Tagger™³²®© said,
January 2, 2009 at 8:40
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I…I am no longer infected.
Smut Clyde said,
January 2, 2009 at 8:43
The
straw manscarecrow song needs some kind of ‘bream’ / ‘dream’ rhyme.It also works surprisingly well when sung to the tune of ‘The Ballad of Lucy Jordan’.
Another Kiwi said,
January 2, 2009 at 8:49
Ah ha it was a joke on T’other level. Not for the loikes ‘o me arrrh.
bago said,
January 2, 2009 at 9:02
Is this bass really strong enough?
Johnny Pez said,
January 2, 2009 at 9:09
“What did he say?”
“The sheriff is near!”
Johnny Pez said,
January 2, 2009 at 9:10
Btw, this is a pretty crappy thread.
Zarquon said,
January 2, 2009 at 9:24
A blog that descends to fish puns has lost its sole.
Benny Hill sharing park bench with dowager said,
January 2, 2009 at 10:58
Typical country weather.
Enraged Bull Limpet said,
January 2, 2009 at 11:24
No way I’m wading into this one.
FINIS
Skullhunter said,
January 2, 2009 at 13:46
A blog that descends to fish puns has lost its sole.
Don’t worry, Zarquon, I’m sure it’s a one-time thing, never happen again.
Obviously just a fluke.
P.S. WordPress please die in a fire kthnx
Eric the Halibut said,
January 2, 2009 at 15:22
Chose ‘im out of thousands… Didn’t like the others; they were all too flat.
Eric the other Halibut said,
January 2, 2009 at 15:24
Why do I always post within 2 or 3 posts of someone saying this thread has gone to hell? It’s affecting my self-assurance.
SFAW said,
January 2, 2009 at 16:03
The straw man scarecrow song needs some kind of ‘bream’ / ‘dream’ rhyme.
No, it doesn’t.
As Tom Lehrer said “And it don’t even gotta rhyme”
zombie rotten mcdonald said,
January 2, 2009 at 20:01
When you guys get like this I just tuna you out.
The Dark Avenger said,
January 2, 2009 at 21:41
Sorry, I meant to say that it was bethnitic.
Neon Ovenlight said,
January 2, 2009 at 22:36
Y’know, I think I’m developing a little hearing impediment myself. Even though I knew the mainstream media had to be talking about something important on the election, all I kept hearing was Joe the Plumber this and Bill Ayers that. The fuck’s that about, huh?
SFAW said,
January 3, 2009 at 1:08
Neon Ovenlight -
You say that as if Joe the Plumber and Bill Ayers and Jeremiah Wright are not THE SINGLE (sic) GREATEST THREAT TO AMERICA SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME!!!2!
Next you’ll be saying that Clinton getting a hummer was not The Closest The Republic Has Ever Come To Total Collapse.
I mean, really – did you just get out of the asylum?? You’re scaring me.
Big Bad Bald Bastard said,
January 3, 2009 at 3:04
RE:
Susan of Texas said,
January 2, 2009 at 1:03
It would be so easy to plant more ludicrous stories with these idiots. Personally, I think Batboy is underutilized as an urban myth.
Bat Boy is Obama’s illegitimate brother! Bat Boy testifies his brother was born in Kenya! Bat Boy’s illicit yearning for Michelle!
It could work.
Now, Susan, you really need to catch up on your Weekly World News.
http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/politics/election-08/obatma/
This story is old !
Neon Ovenlight said,
January 3, 2009 at 7:40
Hey mang, I’m just getting used to my new disability. ‘Cause when I read closed captions of Ken Starr saying ‘Clinton should be impeached for blowjobs,’ all I hear is him bitching about Whitewater and Vince Foster. Also, when I play the tape backwards, Ken Starr crawls back in the hole that spawned him. I like that part. I dunno about that asylum part; the lady in the white dress and the funny jellybeans tells me I’m staying at grandma’s house, but all these old people can’t all be grandma. I could be wrong.
actor212 said,
January 3, 2009 at 15:56
‘herring impediments’?
Ranch fencing? Ranch dressing? Cross-dressing?
OHMYGOD, crossdressing herring! This proves Barack Obama was born in Kenya!
This has been another episode of “Wingnut Logic”, bought to you by Looseners Castor Oil Flakes.
SFAW said,
January 4, 2009 at 9:00
Also, when I play the tape backwards, Ken Starr crawls back in the hole that spawned him.
See, there’s your problem: when I play my tape backwards, the audio portion is, quite clearly, “Paul is dead”.
Either that, or it’s Michelle Obama talking about Whitey.