2
The terrorists conceived this whole idea years ago!
Which part? The detonating the nuclear bomb they don’t have part or renovating the restaurant they don’t own part?
Well, let Barbara Stock enlighten you:
Reports are slowly filtering out about a plan by Islamics to detonate several nuclear bombs around the continental United States.
Slowly… like a fox!
Osama bin Laden has lovingly named this attack “America?s Hiroshima.” His logic for giving his plan this name is that the United States is the only world power to use an atomic weapon against an enemy and based on that, it is legal and within Islamic law for him to use such weapons against the American people.
It’s legal — and everyone knows what a totally law obedient dude that Osama is! He’s always bending over backwards to make sure he fills out al Qaeda’s Form 8882 for fuck’s sake!
According to reports obtained from captured Al Qaeda agents and documents they were carrying, several nuclear devices may have been brought across the Mexican border with the help of the MS-13 gang and are already in position for use.
Nothing you could say could tear me away from my gang (my gang)
Nothing you could do, ’cause I’m stuck like glue to my gang (my gang)
I’m sticking to my gang like a stamp to a letter
Like birds of a feather, we stick together
I’m tellin’ you from the start
I can’t be torn apart from my gang
All that is needed is the word from Al Qaeda to detonate them.
HEAD KNIGHT: Don’t say that word.
ARTHUR: What word?
HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don’t tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
ARTHUR: What, ‘is’?
HEAD KNIGHT: No, not ‘is’ — we couldn’t get vary far in life not saying ‘is’.
The number of weapons has been in dispute. The Saudis claim there may be as many as 70 bombs within the American border and the Russians say 40 bombs is more likely, and still others say there are as few as seven.
Still others say, what the hell are you going on about, crazy woman?
What does not seem to be in question is that the bombs are here and the clock is ticking.
Well, if the nuclear clock is a-tickin’, it’s probably best to read “My Pet Goat” to get ready.
Nuclear bombs are not simple grenades and need constant and diligent maintenance. Each bomb is carefully cared for much like a mother hen tends to her eggs.
By turning it over 50 times a day,* getting off once a day for a few minutes to eat, drink, defecate, take a dust bath or exercise,* without forgetting that after peeping will come pipping. (So after the sucking, comes the weaning.*)
Come back tomorrow as we continue exposing this evil plan of bombs, hens, and Stock.
Brad R. said,
August 2, 2005 at 22:41
Nuclear bombs are not simple grenades
Barbara Stock, munitions expert.
wtfwjd? said,
August 2, 2005 at 22:45
OK, Barbara, so Osama’s going to detonate 7 nukes in America’s cities. Given that Porter Goss has said he knows where bin Laden is, don’t you think it’s time Bush finally went after him?
Gavin M. said,
August 2, 2005 at 22:52
Oh wow, this one Stock column contains more concentrated batshit crazy than half the weekly Rant lineup….
GregH said,
August 2, 2005 at 22:53
Cool, a new Marie Jon’ open thread!
Gavin M. said,
August 2, 2005 at 23:09
Cool, a new Finnish-talking open thread! Suksi vittun!
mdhatter said,
August 2, 2005 at 23:11
Deed sumebudy sey Svedeesh Cheff?
Jillian said,
August 2, 2005 at 23:25
Whatever you just said, Gavin, I just want you to know that I will not tolerate this threat against my personal safety.
Seb said,
August 2, 2005 at 23:27
Cool, a new Marie Jon’ open thread!
Is it just me or did Marie Jon’ remove her plagiarized column. Did someone already point that out?
@Jillian: no worries, the authorities are on their way.
Gavin M. said,
August 2, 2005 at 23:31
I knew I was posting too many comments today. Now I’m going to jail!
wha? said,
August 2, 2005 at 23:31
Yes, that last thread had taken a decided and dangerous turn away from Marie Jon’.
Greg said,
August 2, 2005 at 23:43
Osama went and grabbed Saddam’s WMD. They were just North, West and South of Baghdad don’t ya know.
Andrew A. Gill said,
August 2, 2005 at 23:48
al Qaeda’s Form 8882
You misspelt 27b-6.
jeff-perado said,
August 2, 2005 at 23:52
Sorry, I’ve been away for a while.. So what’s new? I see that Marie Jon’ has discovered our cover and that she’s said some really wierd things (including the poorly spelled words and horrid grammar)… If someone could fill me in on the highlights that would be great.
As for newkuler weapons. How long is this tripe going to last? It’s reaching the legendary status of that NASA legend that claims NASA discovered the missing days that proves the Earth stood still twice and thus proves the bible to be factually true.
Seb said,
August 2, 2005 at 23:54
Sorry, I’ve been away for a while.. So what’s new?
Same old shit, only wingnutier.
Gavin M. said,
August 3, 2005 at 0:10
So what’s new?
What’s new? You were promoted to site founder! Marie was all talking about ‘Jeff’ all the time, and you missed it!
Seb, this is THE Jeff.
Seb said,
August 3, 2005 at 0:16
Seb, this is THE Jeff.
Oh, I forgot all about that! Jeff, you’re me! And you’re a dork!
Marq said,
August 3, 2005 at 1:59
Sorry, I’ve been away for a while.. So what’s new?
Same old shit, only wingnutier.
Well, jeff also missed out on the discovery of the MADE IN USA People Political.org thong! Fetching!
Dan Someone said,
August 3, 2005 at 2:55
Nuclear bomb threat? I’m starting my evacuation right… now.
Yosef said,
August 3, 2005 at 4:08
Did jeff(not JEFF)-perado also miss Sadly, Yes!?
BadTux said,
August 3, 2005 at 5:07
Uhm, I saw this on World Nut Daily some time ago. Barbara Stock is plagiarizing Joe Farrah now?!
- Badtux the Glow-in-the-dark Penguin
GregH said,
August 3, 2005 at 8:06
At least she made an attempt to rewrite the article. Do you ever get the feeling that there’s a wingnut central warehouse that distributes articles to their various bogs/websites?
jeff-perado said,
August 3, 2005 at 8:51
“What’s new? You were promoted to site founder! Marie was all talking about ‘Jeff’ all the time, and you missed it!”
Really?? I saw that she immortalized me in her “hate mail bage” but I missed any further comments. Did she say anything interesting, or was it just the usual “oh liberals are out to get me, [whine] [whine] [whine]…” we hear from wingnuttians.
Gavin M. said,
August 3, 2005 at 12:13
No, you were seen as the ringleader for awhile. Marie initially seemed to think of me and Brad as funny Oompa-Loompas (which we are, pretty much), but there was a definite conflation of ‘Jeff’ with Seb.
And all this from a couple of emails. How?
kiche said,
August 3, 2005 at 18:18
ok, so supposedly, dubya has just sat on his ass while somewhere between 7 and 70 nuclear warheads have been smuggled into the united states?
i mean, nuclear warheads aren’t easy to smuggle into a country. some mexican imigrants can’t just run across the border carrying it. someone can’t just hide it under some socks in the trunk of their car.
this would take colossal incompetence and negligence on the part of our leaders.
doesn’t ms. stock realize that if this is true, then dubya is the absolute worst president in the history of america? especially considering that he distracted america from such a deadly threat with an unnecessary war and is presently refusing to hunt down the master mind of this threat?