Thursday Swankathon (With Groovy New Picture!!!)

Pastor Swank’s been awfully busy the last coupla days. For your reading enjoyment, here’s a summary:

swank2.jpg

Column #1: DON’T ADD YOGA TO CHRISTIAN PRAYERS

If yoga were a part of Christian prayer life, the Bible would have instructed Christians in yoga. Therefore, taking yoga into a so-called Christian prayer is nonsense and may be worse. It could open the spirit to demonic spirits.

So not only does yoga have the power to obliterate your groin, but it can lead to demonic possession too. And if you don’t believe it, take a look at this guy:

YogiPretzel.jpg

Yoga is not of Judeo-Christian origin. It is of other religions origin. Not good.

Yeah, and since Christmas trees are imported pagan symbols, they’re probably demonic too.

COLUMN #2: “PATRIOT ACT IS FOLLY”

While the title of this column sounds reasonable, the content is anything but, as Pastor Swank trashes the Patriot Act because it doesn’t mandate the mass deportation of Muslims:

Someone has recommended that the same police who survey the territory in Britain now round up all Muslims within a fifty-mile radius of London. Put them away. Deport them.

Now that’s making sense. That’s plugging into reality. And it doesn’t take a Patriot Act and the augmentation of same to see that through. All it takes is reality check maximum to understand that nothing else will work.

In this case, a “reality check maximum” means that we’d be rounding up millions of innocent people, forcing them from their homes, and sending them God knows where. Oh, and since we’d be deporting these people because of their faith, I’m pretty sure such an action would violate the First Amendment’s guarantee that the government cannot prevent the free excerise of religion. That’s good thinkin’, Pastor Swank.

Column #3: HILLARY’S CONVERSION TO RIGHT DOESN’T WORK

When the moderate and right hear Hillary speak on behalf of their sides, they laugh their sides silly. It’s as if listening to Billy Graham meeting with evangelicals to convert them to accept practicing homosexuality as a divine blessing. It just doesn’t work.

Billy Graham’s trying to convert people to homosexuality? Cool! I’ll say this for Pastor Swank- he provides information you won’t get anywhere else.

Hillary has been for too long a life on the left and far left conviction to make a turn-about convincing. It just isn’t so. Further, with the ’08 elections ahead, it does not take high school grad mentality to reason the motive behind Hillary’s courting the moderate and right.

Yeah, all those leftists think they’re so smart because they’ve got those fancy high school diplomas, but preschool dropout Joseph Grant Swank knows where it’s really at!

I recall Jay Leno making a joke recently in which the nub of it was asking when Democrats would start producing something. Well, I concluded, now their dumbness is even making the joke circuit. Fine with me.

Right, because late-night comedians have never mocked George W. Bush’s intelligence.

Column #4: HOMO ENTHUSIASTS INFILTRATE METHODISTS

I was really hoping he’d title this column “Homo Enthusiasts Penetrate Methodists,” but alas, we’re not so blessed.

The practicing homosexuals are infiltrating big time the United Methodist Church.

OK, so it still sounds pretty dirty.

They have been trying for some time now, not quite able to get enough votes at the annual conclave to turn the Protestant denomination totally around for evil.

Yes, the homo enthusiasts are trying to turn the Methodists around so they can bend them over and… OK, I won’t say it, but you know where I was going…

The practicing homosexuals do not care a twit about Jesus nor Christian truth. All they care about is flaunting their sexual wares for the world to see.

Uhm, I’m pretty sure that’s not the reason homosexuals want the church to accept them, Pastor Swank. I mean, if all they want to do is “flaunt their sexual wares,” they’ve got puh-lenty of clubs in Provincetown and Northampton…

They are exhibitionists within the courts of the holy. They are also power hungry, especially so when entering the Christian pulpits to give forth their anti-Christ messages weekly to captive audiences. These infiltrators work night and day, get on committees, write letters, wiggle their ways into positions or power and then take over.

The truly Christian must do the same – but more.

True Christians should wiggle around and give forth anti-Christ messages? Well, I guess that’s one way to scare homosexuals away from your church…

 

Comments: 36

 
 
 

Swanky check maximum!

 
 

I agree completely with the Swanktician. By extension since the Bible doesn’t instuct us CHRISTIANS in the use of electricity, heating, cooling, microphones, bookbinding, carpentry, or even the use of the English language, I beleive that none of these demonic influences should be a part of our church/prayer life either.

 
 

By the way I had no idea that Jeff/Seb was advanced enough in Yoga to complete and hold the “penguin sex pose.” Very impressive in filthy sort of way.

 
 

I recall Jay Leno making a joke recently in which the nub of it
Don’t touch my nub.

 
 

He seriously looks like a badass in that picture. “Boooooy!” (a`la Angus Scrimm, not Flava Flave) Between this and ‘Sadly, Yes!’ am afraid that the left is losing its edge.

 
 

Woop! We got a /i situation, and my comment-editing capability is broke!

Did that work?

 
 

Just fixed it.

 
 

If yoga were a part of Christian prayer life, the Bible would have instructed Christians in yoga. Therefore, taking yoga into a so-called Christian prayer is nonsense and may be worse. It could open the spirit to demonic spirits.

Wow, but there is so much the Christian Prayer life leaves out. Obviously, if you follow Pastor Stank’s line of reasoning, all good Christians need to foresake their TV, microwave, SUV, laptop computer and can opener because it isn’t part of “Christian Prayer Life.”

I do hope that we are the only people who read Pastor Swank. But I doubt it.

 
 

So when do you think he stopped taking his meds? ‘Cause it seems to me that he is in paranoia maximum lately. Sad, but funny, in a sadly funny way. Time for the pastor to be put out to pasture.

 
 

As long as we’re stuck in italics, we have to post in a foreign language — that’s the rule.

Seb, eez-eet possibile qu’on could feex zee how-editeeng? Zee comment-editeeng? I it did use before, for to feex a comment in wheech I mentioned of ze personal details of S.Z. regarding someseeng. And now it ne works pas.

 
 

Actually, rounding up all the Muslims around London and shipping them off wouldn’t violate the 1st Amendment because it’s in BRITAIN and the US Constitution doesn’t apply there (either)

Of course Swank is still a loon with writing skills of 50-60 monkeys with keyboards (70 monkeys at most)

 
 

Time for the pastor to be put out to pasture.

Oh, snap!

 
 

I recall Jay Leno making a joke recently in which the nub of it was asking when Democrats would start producing something.

What, he didn’t take the time to actually tell us the crack that Leno made? What a joketease! I guess when you write 12 columns a day, it can’t all be A material.

 
 

Woodrowfan: The Swanksta is talking about implementing the same policy here in the USA.
He mentions the Patriot Act explicitly.

 
source f/k/a anon.
 

Are you sure that’s not a picture of the late Rod Roddy after he decided black was the new fluorescent orange? “come on down maximum!”

 
 

What a joketease! I guess when you write 12 columns a day, it can’t all be A material.

Actually, the more columns he writes, the funnier he gets.

 
 

Every time I see ‘Swanksta,’ it looks like ‘Swankstika’ — a crooked, black symbol with a Swank head on each of its four dire arms….

 
 

Thanks for the reality check maximum, Pastor Swank. I am laughing my sides silly!

 
 

The kitten in the VW told me to ask you if you guys are ever going to update that OUR GREATEST HITS section on the sidebar.

 
 

Yes, the homo enthusiasts are trying to turn the Methodists around so they can bend them over and…

Brad, that’s not the *annual* conclave, that’s the *anal* conclave.

 
 

“The practicing homosexuals do not care a twit about Jesus nor Christian truth.”

Do they care a moron? Perhaps a nincompoop? Maybe a Doug Giles?

 
 

I agree completely with the Swanktician. By extension since the Bible doesn’t instuct us CHRISTIANS in the use of electricity, heating, cooling, microphones, bookbinding, carpentry, or even the use of the English language, I beleive that none of these demonic influences should be a part of our church/prayer life either.

Does this mean we have to learn Latin or Hebrew now? Dammit! 😉

 
 

Damn! No “Homo nups!”
“They have been trying for some time now, not quite able to get enough votes at the annual conclave to turn the Protestant denomination totally around for evil.”
Wot, they aren’t evil already?
“Yes, the homo enthusiasts are trying to turn the Methodists around so they can bend them over and… OK, I won’t say it, but you know where I was going…”
Heeyyy! Besides, everybody knows our mission is to recruit and assimilate.
****ducks brick thrown by Bill S****
“These infiltrators work night and day, get on committees, write letters, wiggle their ways into positions or power and then take over.
The truly Christian must do the same – but more.”

Woooo! Shake it, Christian Boyz! Shake that aaazzzzzz!!!

 
 

Aaron, ahh, ok. I didn’t read his “writing,” just “Sadly, No!”s comments. thanks for the clarification.

 
 

Gosh, that dude looks just like Charles Nelson Reilly.

 
 

But Reilly has always displayed more dignity and sanity, even on “Lidsville”.

 
 

speaking of “so called christian” i think swank qualifies.

 
 

This Fear of Yoga thing is pretty weird. I’ve run across this attitude once before and I thought the guy must be crazy–I didn’t realize it was a right-wung-fundie meme. This was a guy that my sister dated who told her in all seriousness that by meditating she was risking “demonic possession”–opening her mind to evil spirits.

Her take on it all, after the break up: “I realized that if you think you live in a world surrounded by evil spirits, well, then you do.”

 
 

ok dude, that’s not even the same guy that was in the earlier pictures.

who is pastor swank really? fess up.

 
 

Is that L. Ron Hubbard?

 
 

Hmmm, methinks the comments ARE still broken.

pehaps I should go on and on, so others might silently laugh at my attempts.

testing

testing

 
 

It’s just noo goood cap’n, She’s given ya all she’s gaht!

 
 

csHi. This is my links.

 
 

Hillary has said, no sex before marraige. She is called a “liberal”, so we are supposed to be more conservative than her. What’s more conservative than no sex before marraige, no sex ever? But I suppose thats just a sign of the times we are living in, that somewhat like Hillary Clinton is characterized as an extreme loony left liberal….

 
 

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