Dec
9
9
It All Started With Fluoridation
Shorter Jayme Evans:
- A favorite tactic of Communists, liberals, and others on the left is to pathetically try to smear conservatives as extremists or crackpots, when actually ding, bonk, ah-oogah, fwee, ee-yi-ee-yi-ee-yi, that’s-all-folks [burp] Obama.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
actor212 said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:33
They frequently brandish the labels Hitler, racist and extreme right-wing in their pathetic attempts to banish conservatives who believe in strict Constitutional interpretations to the extremities of the political spectrum. But, no matter how many people in this country –or elsewhere– attack my efforts to protect and defend my Constitution, unless and until President-Elect Obama produces his original vault birth certificate for public scrutiny, he will be little more than a usurper; an illegitimate and impotent poseur.
Oh self-referential irony…what would we do without you?
bayville said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:34
I stopped reading right about here:
“Joseph Farah’s WorldNetDaily is not a “fringe” site, but one of the fastest growing sites on the Internet with millions of viewers. “
Someone let me know if I missed anything after that nugget, please.
Righteous Bubba said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:36
The evidence of sober fair-mindedness mounts.
El Cid said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:37
Jayme Evans is a cowardly RINO surrender-blogger. Whereas he would be satisfied with a mere original vault (?) birth certificate made available to our nation’s smartest conservative bloggers, I, on the other hand, whereas, I, would never, ever be satisfied with any evidence short of traveling back in time and watching the birth itself and then tagging Barack Obama with some sort of magic DNA radio-future transmitter so that his movements and migration and mating patterns could be constantly monitored. And even then he would not be president because he somehow fathered Bill Ayers.
Righteous Bubba said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:37
That’d be two more nutball sentences at a minimum, bayville.
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:38
I’m hoping we’ll see a strict, Constitutional interpretation of man on sheep relationships, because the Constitution is a hobby of mine.
Righteous Bubba said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:38
Internets forgive me: LOL
lesserdevil said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:41
“I have only referred to Obama as black when referring to him as the first black president, or that black guy, or when saying, ‘Wow, he’s really black.’ Otherwise never. Will you play with my extra neck skin?”
Righteous Bubba said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:42
Mashup fodder: http://www.jaymeevans.com/
Bigby said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:47
There aren’t enough Don Martinism in that last bit BREEDEET BREEDEET FAGROON klubble klubble Swizap (thanks, teh Google)
MzNicky said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:49
This is not some cuckoo effort that I am engaged in alone. There are over 150,000 petition signatures and over 60,000 individual letters
See? There’s LOTS of others engaged in this cuckoo effort.
MzNicky said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:50
Also: “Canada Free Press”? He ain’t even Amurkan! Or perhaps the site is free of all Canadian references?
Smut Clyde said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:51
But in this modern day version, the young boy who alerts the Emperor to his own nudity is permanently silenced by being dragged off and having his throat slit.
Sounds even worse than the Texas Chainstore Massacre re-make. CGI special effects are no substitute for a decent script.
Righteous Bubba said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:51
His actual site is here: http://warofwits.org/2008/12/07/the-usurpers-new-clothes/
The layout of the Canadian one is more appealing.
MzNicky said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:52
Although long known as Wolfman on his radio show, Halloween proves to be the perfect night to learn Alex’s true colors.
Huh. I always wondered who the Wolfman was. It’s Halloween! That makes sense.
Smut Clyde said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:52
Also, casting Mel Gibson to play the nude emperor was a BAD IDEA.
Geral Curl said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:53
9/11 conspiracies? Like those espoused by Phillip Berg?
Simba B said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:58
Hmmmm. Do we have a closet furry here?
krassen said,
December 9, 2008 at 0:59
Another short:
Didn’t we established in 2000 that whenever the peoples elect a Democrat, the Supreme Court has to overturn? What happened to my constitution?
M. Bouffant said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:00
Pfuck yew in the ass w/ splintery broomstick, Maintenance Mode.
pat said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:09
Yep, that’s where something stinks and Watcher get their information. Over at Salon, the nuts have been at it since Friday morning, with a changing roster of members of the reality-based community taking on the onerous task of demonstrating to them, with FACTS, the error of their thinking.
Guess what, it hasn’t worked. Sigh……
Righteous Bubba said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:11
I have checked the kerning on the two photos and find that they are EXACTLY THE SAME. Which Emperor is slitting throats NOW, YOUR EMPEROROUSNESS?
fdc123 said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:21
this has been one of the best weekends of wingnut roasting eva!
and we get to do it all again next weekend when the court ignores the Cort case.
Yes the cort case is the new shiney hope! Leo was a nut case. (there’s actually a thread saying that).
mikey said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:23
Guess what, it hasn’t worked. Sigh……
Now, ladies and gentlemen, if we were going to use this data point to draw a conclusion to help guide our future actions, what would it be?
1.) Keep engaging and arguing with lunatics, attention seekers and parody trolls, because hey, who knows? Someday you might get them to agree with you.
2.) Ignore them, cautiously watching their feces flinging tantrums until, unnerved and disoriented by their apparent invisibility, they slink off to try and find someone who will PAY ATTENTION TO THEM!!
mikey
Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:26
Obama’s vault birth certificate must be found, so as to determine which Vault Obama was born in! I hear it’s 101, where no one ever enters, and no one ever leaves!
*gasp*
Obama is puppeting the U.S. government from the inside of a Vaut-Tec Vault in D.C.!
You heard it here first, now begin funding me so I can distribute this information into the media!
P.S., I am not a crackpot.
J— said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:31
unless and until President-Elect Obama produces his original vault birth certificate for public scrutiny
It’s not his to produce for public scrutiny.
J— said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:34
Chicago Tribune:
I smell a conspiracy. Why did Calero, McCain, and Obama all run for president at the same time? Coincidence? Not likely.
Maybe there is something to this insistence on the vault. Where is it, and what exactly is in there?
Smut Clyde said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:34
Obama’s real father was Polish.
He must produce his original Pole-vault birth certificate.
Righteous Bubba said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:36
Obama’s real father was Kanyan.
He must produce Kanye West.
Smut Clyde said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:41
If Obama is actually a humanoid robot, I will be content to see a certificate of voltage.
J— said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:42
Well, I’ve got something. It’s not an original vault birth certificate, but it definitely is from the vault. It’s a lead, and I’ll take it. We’ll see where this trail goes:
McCain’s original vault presidential campaign.
NutellaonToast said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:49
Alan Keyes thinks it’s a fake. That’s proof enough for me.
You guys are lunatics who always decree your opponents are lunatics.
etc
NutellaonToast said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:50
Ahhg, decry…. I = retard today.
justme said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:50
that is all.
mikey said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:51
I don’t have Obama’s birth certificate, but I have a large piece of Hadrisaur Pelvis with a fossilized .375 H&H slug embedded in it. It’s in the vault.
Of course, in this case “the vault” is my sock drawer.
Hey, you think API would want to see it?
mikey
M. Bouffant said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:54
mikey, don’t mess w/ the time-traveling dinosaur-hunters. You bust up their gig, you’re in big pre-historic trouble.
M. Bouffant said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:56
When does the outrage that SCOTUS turned down these very serious suits, not from crack-pot conspiracy theorists at all, begin? Don’t make me go looking myself.
Righteous Bubba said,
December 9, 2008 at 1:58
The outrage begins in comments:
mikey said,
December 9, 2008 at 2:00
Nah, don’t sweat it Bouffant. First I was all about blowing the whistle, but then I realized as long as people just think I’m a nut they would be much better served if I DIDN’T get greased suspiciously.
In the meantime, I know, they know I know, I know they know, all because of Teh Buttocks!!!
mikey
Smut Clyde said,
December 9, 2008 at 2:07
the young boy who alerts the Emperor to his own nudity is permanently silenced
And while we’re at it, what about the Boy who Cried Wolf?! “Natural causes”, they said. Hah. Natural causes my pimply Danish butt. That was a cover-up if ever there was one.
noen said,
December 9, 2008 at 2:08
“I have a large piece of Hadrisaur Pelvis with a fossilized .375 H&H slug embedded in it. It’s in the vault.”
Wouldn’t lead transmigrate into another element after 65 million years? I’m really curious, all the good snark has already been taken. This is all I’m left with. That and “Fuck Word Press and the maintenance mode it rode in on.”
Pere Ubu said,
December 9, 2008 at 2:12
He has served for many years as a Subject Matter Expert in systems software testing
Oh, a BULLSHIT ARTIST!
As far as BHO being the first black president, I challenge that theory since 5 or 6 other presidents had “black blood”.
Well, Cheney’s veins are filled with that evil oily black sludge from that one episode of Star Trek: TNG – does that count?
Mr. Wonderful said,
December 9, 2008 at 2:12
I read and read and read and was sad, because I thought I wouldn’t find one of the two stylistic tropes that identify the professional (sic) amateur nut-blogger. And then–success!
“It’s rather amusing how those who believe in such drivel as alien abductions, anthropogenic global warming…”
“Rather amusing”! Yay!
No tart condemnations about “the left” or Obama being “immature,” but you can’t have everything.
Done and done!
Smut Clyde said,
December 9, 2008 at 2:13
After the Emperor’s-clothes whistle-blower met his tragic accident… they never showed up at the inquest.
When the body was found of the Boy who Cried Wolf… they were already two villages away.
You don’t want to mess with the Brothers Grimm.
Righteous Bubba said,
December 9, 2008 at 2:17
Let us not dwell on the dark secrets behind the Princess and the Pee.
MzNicky said,
December 9, 2008 at 2:22
Maybe there is something to this insistence on the vault. Where is it, and what exactly is in there?
Mason jars full of Cheney’s urine?
OneMan said,
December 9, 2008 at 2:29
“2.) Ignore them, cautiously watching their feces flinging tantrums until, unnerved and disoriented by their apparent invisibility, they slink off to try and find someone who will PAY ATTENTION TO THEM!!”
Consider this: if they’re sitting in a pool of dried Code Red and Cheetoh dust in their mom’s basement getting into Internet Arguments, they aren’t making pipe bombs.
Hey, attention is attention.
J— said,
December 9, 2008 at 2:33
The Masons, of course! It all makes sense. Obama’s a Mason, obviously. Or maybe the people who insist he isn’t a natural born Gary U.S. Bonds vault baby are the Masons. I get confused about whether it’s the Masons who are doing to conspiring against everyone else or if it’s everyone else who is conspiring against the Masons.
tigrismus said,
December 9, 2008 at 2:40
I have to admit the Masons do make a good jar, which is more than you can say about those filthy Rosicrucians.
jim said,
December 9, 2008 at 2:43
Bringing up Pearl Harbor at the end gives this all the weird charm of Spam Poetry – without the intellectual content.
Definitely earns Evans a spot on the podium for the Irony Olympics … unless by some miracle someone obsessing over this nonsense somehow missed the little detail where lawyers looked at Obama’s original dox (like, last YEAR) & said these folks were full of shit. Guess nothing burns off all that loser-rage quite like beating a dead horse.
OT: a helpful hint for low-budget Xmas gift-giving … hey, it’s the THOUGHT that counts, right?
Smut Clyde said,
December 9, 2008 at 2:46
The only fault with Rosicrucian-made storage containers is their tendency to go overboard with extra features.
Mr. Wonderful said,
December 9, 2008 at 2:48
Careful with dissing the Masons. Perry was a crackerjack defense attorney, and Harvey’s a good drummer.
(Breathy sigh) And then there’s James…
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
December 9, 2008 at 3:00
Of course, in this case “the vault” is my sock drawer.
You elitist, fancy-shmancy LIEbrals and your sock drawers!!!!!
Tehanu said,
December 9, 2008 at 3:13
I thought Geraldo Rivera opened the vault and there was nothing in it but dust.
Pere Ubu said,
December 9, 2008 at 3:34
Bringing up Pearl Harbor at the end gives this all the weird charm of Spam Poetry – without the intellectual content.
Yeah, it was an odd non-sequitur kinda thing, kind of a Wingnut’s Torrette’s. What’s next – “Remember the Maine!”?
Smut Clyde said,
December 9, 2008 at 3:42
I thought Geraldo Rivera opened the vault and there was nothing in it but dust.
But he awakened the Curse of Pharaoh Apop-Tosis.
M. Bouffant said,
December 9, 2008 at 3:46
Well, it was 8 Dec. That’s only a day late to remember Pearl Harbor.
justme said,
December 9, 2008 at 4:22
To be fair, warofwits.org did put it up on the seventh. It’s those darned Canadians that came late.
Of course, the compounded irony of that post, and its being published somewhere called “war of wits” comes dangerously close to being sufficient for the creation of an ironic neutron star.
M. Bouffant said,
December 9, 2008 at 4:36
Blame Canada!!!
(P. S.: The above has nothing to do w/ that stupid origami “cartoon” show about the precocious rug rats.)
Dan Someone said,
December 9, 2008 at 4:50
A favorite tactic of Communists, liberals and others on the left is using peer pressure-laced name-calling to try and marginalize those with whom they disagree.
After reading this, Irony twisted itself through seventeen new dimensions and became a Klein-bottle representation of itself.
If Obama is actually a humanoid robot, I will be content to see a certificate of voltage.
As long as he’s got an Underwriters Laboratories certificate on him, we’re good to go.
Smiling Mortician said,
December 9, 2008 at 5:06
Do not remove the tag.
fdc123 said,
December 9, 2008 at 5:10
we need to encourage them to never ever give this up
WOLVERINES!!!!
I can see Palin at klan rallies in 2012
“hes not even a natural born citizen who palls around with natural born domestic terrorists”
Xecky Gilchrist said,
December 9, 2008 at 7:41
It’s rather amusing how those who believe in such drivel as alien abductions, anthropogenic global warming, the Second Gunman or 9/11 conspiracy nonsense involving Bush/Cheney and 4,000 Jews are so quick to condemn this effort as a few loonies with an ax to grind.
I just can’t believe this is for real. Nope, just can’t do it. Like Dan Someone says,
After reading this, Irony twisted itself through seventeen new dimensions and became a Klein-bottle representation of itself.
Only his brain must be a lot stretchier than mine, which instead of coming up with a clever image like that just sat there and said “nope, just can’t do it.” (qv.)
Xecky Gilchrist said,
December 9, 2008 at 7:42
Do not remove the tag.
OK, If you insist.
justme said,
December 9, 2008 at 11:48
Alas, Miss Irony has been pining for the fjords since last January at the least.
To wit,
atheist said,
December 9, 2008 at 18:51
I think that irony dies and dies again, only to come back as a sarcastic zombie and slake her unholy thirst for the brains of idiots.
Joe Max said,
December 9, 2008 at 19:13
Someone actually uses the first name “Jayme”? Wasn’t that the name of the serial killer from “Silence of the Lambs”, who made it up as a feminized version of his birth name “James”?
I think someone should check out if this “Evans” guy (if that’s really his name) has a basement with a big pit dug in the floor and a moth collection.
Mooser said,
December 9, 2008 at 23:00
A favorite tactic of Communists, liberals, and others on the left is to pathetically try to smear conservatives as extremists or crackpots, when actually ding, bonk, ah-oogah, fwee, ee-yi-ee-yi-ee-yi, that’s-all-folks [burp] Obama
If that was supposed to make me click on the link, it didn’t work. In what way could Evans possibly improve on it?
word hussein yeti said,
December 10, 2008 at 9:16
I think that irony dies and dies again, only to come back as a sarcastic zombie and slake her unholy thirst for the brains of idiots.
I’m reminded of Neil Gaiman’s works, in which concepts are anthropomorphized and walk around talking like postmodern hipsters; if indeed Dear Sweet Irony is condemned by the wingnuts to a neverending cycle of death & rebirth, then Act III has to be Irony’s Revenge, in which she crosses wires with Brahma & Shiva, who have the day off, steals their powers and comes back this time with guns a-blazin’, dragging the wingnuts off to a hell in which they are subjugated by Gloria Steinem & Eleanor Roosevelt, sodomized by Alan Ginsberg, Abbie Hoffman & Daryl Dawkins, and finally wind up in a cage, able to communicate only in frantic squawks like the critter at the end of “Freaks” …
….which state of existence rather approximates their current Cheeto-stained life in mom’s basement. Which is, of course, ironic, thus starting the whole cycle anew…
…and here comes Alanis Morissette, just in time to misuse the word. Off-key. Ack!
GoatBoy said,
December 12, 2008 at 20:05
My favorite shorter ever. Kudos, Gavin!
Upgrayedd said,
December 14, 2008 at 0:20
MzNicky said,
December 9, 2008 at 2:22
Maybe there is something to this insistence on the vault. Where is it, and what exactly is in there?
Mason jars full of Cheney’s urine?
It has been documented that the Communists are coming for the Cons precious Bodily Fluids.
We must fight back. I’m not saying we won’t get our hair mussed, though…