Nov
28
28
Shorter K-Lo
- What am I thankful for this Thanksgiving? I’m thankful that Proposition 8 passed and California homos can’t get married, because if I can’t get married, then neither should they. And that Sarah Palin didn’t have an abortion. And that President Bush protected us from the terrorists and will one day be finally recognized as the best leader we ever had. Amen.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 16:35
Oh, god, that’s disturbing. It’s like the last scene in “Freaks”.
WereBear said,
November 28, 2008 at 16:38
One of us!
Well, no.
The freaks in the film were much better than K-Lo.
Arky 4 That 1 said,
November 28, 2008 at 16:39
You do realize that your K-Load shorters are 1000 times more coherent than the crap she actually pecks out on her chocolate smeared keyboard?
Just checking.
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 16:41
I am grateful for those who opt for low-salaried positions in religious schools because they know it takes good teachers — at home and at school — to raise a child with a moral conscience who will serve his fellow humans well.
It’s okay to pay teachers shit wages! They’re edumacating the future, after all!
Yeah, “moral conscience” – I guess that’s what you use to justify the slaughter of brown people while whining about “the culture of life”.
WereBear said,
November 28, 2008 at 16:44
It worked so well for K-Lo!
Yet another apologia for paying important public servants next to nothing, on the shaky theory one will only get dedicated people that way.
What happens is that it drives many of the good people out of the professions, seeing as they want their kids to eat, and all. So you get a mix of beleaguered idealists, incompetents, and people who look for corruption flavored ways to augment their salary.
Now that’s a plan.
Smiling Mortician said,
November 28, 2008 at 16:44
I’m — .
Fuck. I cannot stop looking at that picture. I think it’s the clown wig.
No.
It’s the wattles.
Oh dear god, I hope those are wattles.
Judd Plib the Intelligence Officer said,
November 28, 2008 at 16:45
I’m grateful to know that he’s been part of an imperfect but honorable administration.
I give thanks that English is a nice-sounding but meaningless language.
mdh said,
November 28, 2008 at 16:48
You do realize that your K-Load shorters are 1000 times more coherent than the crap she actually pecks out on her chocolate smeared keyboard?
It’s a matter of concentration. Between that and our love of camping, liberals are obviously the fascists.
donnah said,
November 28, 2008 at 16:49
How in the world did this woman ever get hired as a writer? Her opinions are lame, but her writing is abysmal. She writes on a seventh-grade level, and that’s probably insulting a few seventh-graders.
StonyPillow said,
November 28, 2008 at 16:52
The Sarah Palin rule: conservatives can never be lost in the wilderness because, whenever they open their eyes, they’re always “here”.
TruthOfAngels said,
November 28, 2008 at 16:54
Which is odd, because the only Mitt Romney I know is an unprincipled and smarmy liar. Perhaps there is another Mitt Romney somewhere, possibly locked in K-Lo’s closet?
I think the people should be told.
RvB said,
November 28, 2008 at 16:57
I’m grateful to work at a magazine founded by one of the most generous of employers and brilliant of men.
Well, that’s honest, isn’t it? Puling, but honest. Anyway, that trust-funded NR position gives her a bully pulpit from which to attack tenured radicals, even though the place wouldn’t survive in the free market for 5 seconds.
kiki said,
November 28, 2008 at 16:57
Oh dear god, I hope those are wattles.
Chin-balls?
Andrew said,
November 28, 2008 at 17:01
[quote]I am grateful for those who opt for low-salaried positions in religious schools because they know it takes good teachers — at home and at school — to raise a child with a moral conscience who will serve his fellow humans well.[/quote]
Just not enough to actually [i]show[/i] any gratitude, of course. Saying it is all you need to do! Lip service for evah!
Candy said,
November 28, 2008 at 17:12
donnah – How in the world did this woman ever get hired as a writer?
Not just a writer but an editor.
It’s a topsy-turvy world.
Rusty Shackleford (not that one) said,
November 28, 2008 at 17:17
Not just a writer but an editor.
Edit is to write as teach is to can do.
J— said,
November 28, 2008 at 17:19
I’m thankful for the groups and individuals who understand the meaning of equal protection under the law.
Candy said,
November 28, 2008 at 17:20
And as far as that picture is concerned, it’s making me rethink my liberal libertine position on internet decency standards. That’s an unpleasant sight at 9:00 AM following an evening of drinking cheap beer.
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 17:24
Christ. Whoever’s subbing for Glenn Blecch today is dumber than Beck himself and twice as obnoxious. Not only is he pushing Beck’s shitty Xmas book, but he’s slagging Obama for the Mumbai attacks (’cause they prove that the renewal of respect for America post-Bush isn’t going to happen).
Oh, and our lovely state (SC) is holding a tax-free sale this weekend on guns “in honor of the Second Amendment”.
Is it me or has this country just gone totally bugfuck insane since November 4th?
J— said,
November 28, 2008 at 17:33
We are should be grateful Clif refrained from using this image.
J— said,
November 28, 2008 at 17:36
We all should
Smiling Mortician said,
November 28, 2008 at 17:39
Is it me or has this country just gone totally bugfuck insane since November 4th?
No, you’re right. Nothing but clear-eyed rationality in the months/years leading up to the election . . .
Rusty Shackleford (not that one) said,
November 28, 2008 at 17:47
“I’m grateful I can nuke a plate of rightovers, open a fresh box of wine, fire up the Rabbit, and spend the day alone, weeping softly, then increasingly violently, then softly again, in a country made safe by the absolute greatest president of all times.”
Jennifer said,
November 28, 2008 at 17:58
I am grateful for those who opt for low-salaried positions in religious schools because they know it takes good teachers — at home and at school — to raise a child with a moral conscience who will serve his fellow humans well.
Well, K-Lo is a Catholic, isn’t she? And actually, Catholic schools do tend to have fairly good teachers in comparison with other religious schools. I invite her to go sit in on some classes in one of our local Baptist or Pentecostal “schools”, though, where she will quickly discover that the vast majority of the teachers were hired not only for their willingness to work for shitty wages, but also because they have utterly no qualms with the idea that the entire purpose of a school is to indoctrinate kids into fantastical religious beliefs, and that if this is accomplished, then the entire “educational” goal has been achieved. Were it otherwise, in my state the annual list of SAT national merit scholars would not be comprised entirely of students from public, private-non-religious, and Catholic schools (and in that order). The other religious “academies” never make a showing. That could be because religious indoctrination makes kids stupid, but more probably it’s because they are shitty schools.
Guru Actaeon-Sprung the Penultimate Wallaby said,
November 28, 2008 at 18:07
I have nothing to add but an amusing name.
Candy said,
November 28, 2008 at 18:08
but Jennifer, it’s not as though the well-indoctrinated youngster doesn’t have many fine options for continuing ed. Why, with Bob Jones, Liberty, and Regent universities to meet their further educational needs, who knows to what heights of wingnut welfare they may aspire? Looks like the attorney general’s office won’t be available to them anymore, though.
Thank FSM.
WereBear said,
November 28, 2008 at 18:15
Just an FYI:
2,700-year-old marijuana stash found
in China.
Sure ruined their civilization, din’t?
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 18:24
Oh, goodie.
Some yutz just announced the SC tax-free gun sale on Blechh’s show.
Wheee, now we’ll get wingnuts from all over the area coming here to buy their bang-bangs so they can defends their sqarsh patches from the gun-grabbers of Obama.
I think I’ll spend the weekend inside, thank you.
Jennifer said,
November 28, 2008 at 18:24
Wal-Mart worker trampled to death by Black Friday shoppers.
Wouldn’t want to let all that “peace on earth, good will towards man” happy-crappy get in the way of saving a few bucks on crap made in China now, would we?
ignatov said,
November 28, 2008 at 18:24
“I watched the attorney general collapse a few feet away from me after he was heckled and called a “tyrant” by a Washington State supreme-court judge… he’s been part of an imperfect administration… voters elected Barack Obama… people bearing hateful, anti-Mormon signs call in threats to Mormon temples… Romney gets attacked unfairly because he is Mormon… conservatives are lost in the wilderness, on a losing side… people are depressed and angered by how the presidential election turned out… a teenage girl was allegedly beaten to near-death by her stepfather… sometimes I get a civil e-mail… the Bush administration is going to get a lot of grief as the Obama faction takes power…”
…and that’s what K-Lo is thankful for. Thanks, Sunshine!
sagra said,
November 28, 2008 at 18:37
Every year, when Employee Trampling Day rolls around, I give thanks that I don’t work for Wal-mart.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
November 28, 2008 at 18:41
Jennifer, that is horrifying.
Remember when “Soylent green is people!” was satire?
sagra said,
November 28, 2008 at 18:42
Must I remind you that SAT is just two letters away from SATAN?
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 18:46
I see Troofie stopped by to express his compassion for the Wal-Mart fatality:
looney left Nov 28, 2008 10:25:21 AM Report Offensive Post
It’s Bush’s fault because of the low gasoline prices having enabled more people to get to the store.
GSD said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:11
Does K-Lo keep her inflatable blueberry suit that she wore in the original Willie Wonka film on hand or is it in on display at the Smithsonian?
-GSD
Snorghagen said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:12
I’m grateful for silly-ass columns by loopy wingnuts that allow me to start off my day with a glowing feeling of amused contempt as my body slowly recovers from an epic round of Thanksgiving gluttony.
I especially like her use of the word ‘honorable’ to describe the Bush administration.
Rusty Shackleford (not that one) said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:13
I see the usual conservatives are failing to condemn Wal-Mart tramplings. Sad, but not surprising, and very telling, and something something hypocrisy something McVeigh
actor212 said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:16
Hay! K-Lo lost weight!
GSD said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:18
Rightwing Logic 101 Seminar:
*Terrorist attack on the US 9 months into the Bush presidency is Bill Clinton’s fault.
*Terrorist attack with 2 months remaining in the Bush presidency is Barack Obama’s fault.
Conclusion, no terrorist attacks on Bush’s watch.
-GSD
actor212 said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:29
Actor212 is a nasty creep and is really revealing his character here.
What? All I meant was that you could speak some Truth to them, and perhaps they’d listen, Troofie?
I would never threaten you or anyone else with bodily harm or death.
In fact, butter doesn’t melt in MY mouth.
Son, you’re very paranoid, but I guess being a hatemonger will do that to you. Always looking over your shoulder, wondering if that guy in the fedora and rain coat is just chilly or is out to get you on orders from someone you’ve pissed off.
Not me. Of course. I would never have any way of knowing where you are from.
Of course not. I don’t have access to the Carnivore database, no sirreee!
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:37
When you spam three comment threads in response to a troll – who is not around at the moment – the troll is the winner.
actor212 said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:43
Eh. I wanted to make sure he read it so he couldn’t make that wild claim again.
I got no problem with that.
Do you?
dave said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:44
Truth of Angels: “Perhaps there is another Mitt Romney somewhere, possibly locked in K-Lo’s closet.” No, actually, Mitt is strapped to a bed in K-Lo’s isolated Maine farmhouse, unable to move after she broke his legs with a sledge hammer. After all, she’s his biggest fan.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:44
Do you?
Yes. It’s boring. Join the killfile.
sagra said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:45
What RB said.
Susan of Texas said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:47
Oh, K-Lo. She’s so greatful for traditional marriage, but it is not greatful for her. Why won’t God answer her hourly prayers to be swept off her feet by a nice Republican from a good Catholic family who wants her to stay home and have lots and lots and lots of little babies. Seventeen-year-olds do it all the time!
It’s too bad that K-Lo decided to go to Catholic University (after Catholic high school) and get such a fine education. And then, to selfishly take a job away from a man, thereby putting her career ahead of bearing children! It would serve her right if she waited to long, like those hairy-legged femininsts!
Repent, K-Lo!
Susan of Texas said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:48
My spelling sucks. I blame two years of Catholic elementary school.
N__B said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:50
My sexual fantasies include knee-socks. I blame six years of public school, down the block from a Catholic high school.
Susan of Texas said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:53
Great, now I’m picturing K-Lo in a plaid skirt and knee socks. Thanks a bunch!
N__B said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:55
True, the ability to control when one’s imagination applies knee-socks to a given set of legs is a talent and not a skill, and therefore cannot be taught. However, blech.
Snorghagen said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:58
My mind refuses to generate that image. Thank you, mind.
sagra said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:59
That’s a grate image, in that it it is gnashing and grinding noisily against my brain.
The Truth said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:59
It is to laugh, liberals. Your pathetic bleating will be music to my ears when the full disclosure of Obama’s past hits over the holidays, and he is impeached before he is inaugurated!
tigrismus said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:04
Great, now I’m picturing K-Lo in a plaid skirt and knee socks.
They’d look silly on her turkey legs.
dave said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:11
Mr. Truth, meet Chief Editor Korir. He’s got a little business to discuss…
Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:12
Your pathetic bleating will be music to my ears when the full disclosure of Obama’s past hits over the holidays, and he is impeached before he is inaugurated!
For?
You tried for a whole year, and Obama got elected. What’ve you got that you think is actually going to work now?
Oh, and where’s your denunciation of right-wing terrorism?
Joe Max said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:20
Holidays? Did you say “holidays”, Truthie? Don’t you know it’s “CHRISTMAS”, not “holidays”? Only Christian-hating liberals call this time of year “holidays”. Didn’t you get the memo from O’Rielly?
Jacob Singer said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:23
I hope it’s the “whitey” tape. I need some good stocking stuffers.
Snorghagen said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:25
I think you people are arguing with a parody… but arguing with the original jackass would be pretty much an equal waste of energy.
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:25
How the hell can he get impeached BEFORE he’s inagurated in the first place?
Jeezoos, either Goshpodin Pravda’s the lamest parody troll ever, or he must have adult supervision pulling on his shoes in the morning.
Legalize said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:28
I call fake Twoofie. In fact, I submit that even the “real” Twoofie is also a fake Twoofie.
The Trollth said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:36
Dance, my puppets, dance!
Major Kong said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:46
I don’t think The Truth is a real person.
It’s probably just a random-number generator connected to a database of GOP talking points. Probably a Troll-Bot 3000 model.
lobbey said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:50
Great, now I’m picturing K-Lo in a plaid skirt and knee socks.
You know what they say about Catholic Girls
sagra said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:08
Yikes! I’d hate to be the guy that held back on that really good Obama dirt just long enough to keep Sarah Palin out of the vice presidency. He’d be lucky if the first shot from the helicopter killed him, you betcha.
The Tlooth said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:20
I got nothing, I just like Harry Mathews’ books.
g said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:32
the full disclosure of Obama’s past hits over the holidays…
obama’s past hits? I did not know he was a recording artist as well….
Duros Hussein 62 said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:45
they know it takes good teachers — at home and at school — to raise a child with a moral conscience who will serve his fellow humans well.
It’s a cookbook! To Serve Humans! It’s a cook…book!
Woodrowfan said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:49
Great, now I’m picturing K-Lo in a plaid skirt and knee socks.
And nothing else? Doing jumping jacks??
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:57
It’s a cookbook!
Moral conscience = loathes cilantro.
Duros Hussein 62 said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:02
Great, now I’m picturing K-Lo in a plaid skirt and knee socks. Thanks a bunch!
I’m picturing Megan Fox. In fact I’m picturing Megan fox in everything today.
Weird.
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:06
I’m picturing Kate Beckinsale in nothing today.
Duros Hussein 62 said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:07
obama’s past hits? I did not know he was a recording artist as well….
Oh yeah. Got a Grammy and everything.
Duros Hussein 62 said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:08
Moral conscience = loathes cilantro.
365 Ways to Cook White Bread.
Freshitt said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:18
Just this very minute, I made space to file promised “full disclosures of Obama’s past” in with your “whitey tapes”, Larry Johnson.
Snowwy said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:20
Damn it! You owe me for the lunch that’s now in my trashbin.
commie atheist said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:21
Anyway, that trust-funded NR position gives her a bullshitty pulpit
Fized.
Susan of Texas said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:21
Next you guys’ll be hating’ on guacamole.
Just try some salsa. You’ll never even notice the cilantro as the jalepeno burns your tongue. Then you can work your way to the gateway drug, enchiladas. Aftert that you’re mainling burritos and knocking over taco stands.
Freshitt said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:22
Jacob Singer 20:23 beat me to the punch.
Lawnguylander said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:32
Moral conscience = loathes cilantro.
Necessary but not sufficient. Must also loath those who
likecan tolerate cilantro.TheInternets said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:33
It tastes like failure. Failure with a hint of cilantro.
woody, tokin librul said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:43
And nothing else? Doing jumping jacks??
Don’t you mean “lumping jacks?”
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:02
Necessary but not sufficient. Must also loath those who can tolerate cilantro.
Naturally you wouldn’t want to cook them. Their flavour would be tainted.
Stag Party Palin said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:16
I hate to bust up this ‘shorter’ concept, but in my mind is a picture of a shorter K-Lo, and it’s disgusting. OTOH, she would make an excellent bride for Chett.
http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l40/driscomy/weird20science.jpg
actor212 said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:33
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:44
Do you?
Yes. It’s boring. Join the killfile.
sagra said,
November 28, 2008 at 19:45
What RB said.
Concern trolls are concerned.
Buhbye! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
tigrismus said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:48
obama’s past hits? I did not know he was a recording artist as well….
“Obama” is actually how one pronounces formerly-Prince’s glyph. I bet you thought it was “Skrubble”!
Rightwingsnarkle said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:49
She’s also thankful for liposuction.
actor212 said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:50
She’s also thankful for liposuction.
Not thankful enough, apparently.
actor212 said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:14
I like cilantro!
Duros Hussein 62 said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:43
I like cilantro!
You, like myself, have no moral conscience.
Or so I’ve been told.
Mo's Bike Shop said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:03
Rinse the beans after soaking…
"Oh Stewardess, I Speak 'Nut" said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:08
“President Bush protected us from the
terroristsLIEBRULS and will one day be finally recognized as the bestleaderIMPERATORweREAL MURRICANS ever had.”Fixillated
Lesley said,
November 29, 2008 at 8:00
K-Lo always looks better in the body she doesn’t really have.
actor212 said,
November 29, 2008 at 15:30
actor212 said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:14
I like cilantro!
Nope.
I like coriander
(that ought to keep my little fanboi working for a while)
MzNicky said,
November 29, 2008 at 18:37
“Concern trolls are concerned.
“Buhbye! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!”
actor212: I’m confused. Are you calling RB and sagra “concern trolls”?
Rusty Shackleford (not that one) said,
November 29, 2008 at 19:09
Cilantro is great in small amounts. Problem is, just a tiny bit too much is WAY too much.
Bitter Scribe said,
November 30, 2008 at 1:51
I like cilantro!
Nope.
I like coriander
Me, I’m partial to Chinese parsley.