28
Happy Swanksgiving
Each year, a time comes to give thanks for the blessings we have received, and to roast a big turkey. We’ll do the thanks and blessings later, because here comes Pastor Swank.
found sitting around unguarded
OBAMA, WILL YOU EVER END A SPEECH WITH ‘AND GOD BLESS AMERICA’?
J. Grant Swank, Jr.John McCain and Sarah Palin concluded their speeches with “And God bless America.” The crowds cheered.
Did you ever hear B. Hussein Obama do that?
Hm. It is possible.
I cannot recall him ever stating such a praise petition to the God of the Bible.
Another question that comes to mind is this: Will we ever hear the National Anthem at B. Hussein’s scheduled events?
A good question, for he has been known to close events with a repeated phrase from the Algerian song ‘Kradoutja,’ which has been known in the West under various titles including ‘The Streets of Cairo.’ His followers have held hands and sung in unison, “All the girls in France do the hoochie-coochie dance…”
Some may note that Obama was excoriated for cutting the National Anthem from his events, but as we well know by now, the fact that he was blameworthy and bad for stopping doing something does not mean that he ever did that thing at all in the first place. For instance, we all remember how he stopped his 20-year support for his radical Christian pastor, his best friend of all time Jeremiah Wright, while actually being a Christian-hating radical Muslim all along.
I doubt it. Will be glad to be proven wrong.
B. Hussein is out to mesh all religions as one, just as his mother believed. Forget America’s Judeo-Christian heritage. Out. Done. Disappear. Read “Obama is not Christian but Muslim” at http://www.renewamerica.us/columns/swank/080515
See? It’s just like we were saying.
He in truth is a Muslim, just as he let slip on an ABC interview these words: “ my Muslim faith.” There is such substantial evidence that he was born Muslim and held to Islam as his religion, just his father stated when he was born. Read B. HUSSEIN: Who is Barry Soetoro? at http://www.michnews.com/artman/publish/article_21594.shtml
Therefore, B. Hussein knows that to invoke prayers or praise to the Judeo-Christian heritage deity is anti-Allah. It is totally contrary to the Koran stipulations that infidels must be slain while Islam World Rule takes hold. Therefore, he cannot provide even “And God bless America” statement for that is entirely hypocritical in the eyes of the Muslims who know him to be Muslim.
After following his work for a few years, it seems fair to say that Pastor Swank’s default discursive mode will soon be indistinguishable in tone from the ravings on a bottle of Dr. Bronner’s soap.
Further, B. Hussein has no concern or allegiance for the National Anthem. He is out to make this country socialist / communist, just as one his staff members had a communist flag taped to his office wall.
Read MUSLIM OBAMA SAYS IN HIS BOOK HE’S ON THE SIDE OF MUSLIMS at http://www.michnews.com/artman/publish/article_21764.shtml
Read GADHAFI: B. HUSSEIN IS MUSLIM at http://www.michnews.com/artman/publish/article_21594.shtml
Ah, but luckily, Obama is ineligible for the presidency.
God bless you, Pastor Swank. And by ‘God’ we secretly mean Ba’al.
Me said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:27
OBAMA, WILL YOU EVER END A SPEECH WITH ‘AND GOD BLESS AMERICA’?
Only most of them. In front of tens of thousands of cheering people and millions more watching on television in some of the highest-rated political speeches of our time. Not anything the casual observer would’ve noticed.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:30
Truth in conviction? Do tell.
Tyrone Shoelaces said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:36
ravings on a bottle of Dr. Bronner’s soap.
Hey! Hey! Hey! That’s just about enough of that!
Brian X said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:37
ALL-ONE OR NONE! DILUTE! DILUTE! OBAMA IS THE ANTICHRIST SAYS RABBI HILLEL OF THE ESSENES!
(I use it instead of shower soap and right now I have the unabridged quart bottle sitting in the bathroom. Manny Bronner was… a bit hyper.)
Southern Beale said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:38
Only most of them. In front of tens of thousands of cheering people …
Nuh-uh!!! He concluded his Democratic National Convention acceptance speech with “God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.”
Which is totally NOT the same thing! It’s totally Islamofascist-communo-socialist-non-native-born American-black power code for “Kill Whitey”! Which EVERYONE knows ‘cuz it’s in the Bible!
Neener-neener boo-boo! {raspberry}
Whew. That’s enough crazy for one day.
Tyrone Shoelaces said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:39
— unabridged quart bottle —
Heh.
Southern Beale said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:40
ALL-ONE OR NONE! DILUTE! DILUTE! OBAMA IS THE ANTICHRIST SAYS RABBI HILLEL OF THE ESSENES!
LOL. Reading the Dr. Bronner’s packaging is an endless source of amusement for me.
Southern Beale said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:41
Speaking of hyper-crazy antichrists, I wonder if any of the folks in the “Obama is the antichrist according to my twisted interpretation of the Book of Revelation” crazies are looking at the events in India this week and drawing some conclusions that we could dig up and mock endlessly?
Anyone?
Snorghagen said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:42
The exact stipulation is that all infidels be taken into Islamic castle dungeons and dropped into gigantic vats of sulfuric acid while the Faithful stand around and chortle in a sinister fashion.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:43
I recommend confusion oil for oyster weld rain lovely.
Till said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:46
Alternate title: Further Adventures of The Mask Muslim
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:48
If true this would be unbelievable.
Southern Beale said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:50
If true this would be unbelievable.
It’s called Extraordinary Rendition, Uzbekistan-style.
Sadly.
sagra said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:51
During the campaign I went to see Michelle Obama speak. There was a prayer and the pledge of allegiance. From what I saw from other first-person accounts, that was standard for all the Obama rallies.
Snorghagen said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:58
Wait a minute. Do you just carve the name or do you need to include the Social Security number to ensure proper identification? If you just carved ‘Bob’, would all Bobs everywhere become confused? If you carved ‘Nebraska’, would the entire state of Nebraska become confused? Would Nebraskans regain mental clarity when they stumbled over the state line? If you carved ‘Cosmos’, would all physical laws cease to operate throughout the universe?
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 20:59
“Praise petition” has to be my favorite bit out of that.
Forget America’s Judeo-Christian heritage. Out. Done. Disappear.
‘Bye, don’t forget to write, watch out for snakes and don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:01
Carve the name of one you want to confuse in a black skull candle.
Oh pshaw, like you can just gad out and find a black skull candle any time you want to.
Especially on a holiday.
Alkali Bill said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:01
Are you guys sure you’re not making these people up? As far as I can tell, their sole purpose is to create high-value snark targets for Sadly, No!
Southern Beale said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:03
Confusion Oil …
Oh, I thought that was Newt Gingrich’s “Drill Here, Drill Now, Pay Less” campaign.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:05
It’s at Thanksgiving that we must remember the noble Judeos who brought blintzes to the pilgrims in their time of need.
Duros Hussein 62 said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:05
It’s called Extraordinary Rendition, Uzbekistan-style.
That would be Extraordinary Rendering.
man , I hope Jesus comes back soon, just kick the libelous and willfully ignorant Swankster in the junk.
N__B said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:05
If you carved ‘Nebraska’, would the entire state of Nebraska become confused?
Too late.
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:10
This means there’s a black skull candle somewhere with “United States” carved into it.
Would explain quite a bit.
Guest said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:18
How DARE YOU besmirch the good name of Dr. Bronner by dragging it through a Swank post!! The good Dr. is keeping my hands and face clean and silky smooth at this very moment. I demand a retraction.
dex said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:20
the real question here is, will gavin ever conclude a post with “god bless america?”
i cannot recall him ever stating such a praise petition to the God of the Bible.
g said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:26
During the campaign I went to see Michelle Obama speak. There was a prayer and the pledge of allegiance. From what I saw from other first-person accounts, that was standard for all the Obama rallies.
yet another example of how brainwashed all your Obamaniacs are, obviously.
Reality. Sheesh.
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:29
Confusion oil be my epitath.
Stonewall Jackson said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:29
Also, Obama is black, you ignoramusauruses.
owlbear1 said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:30
Well it certainly sounds likes the Fundies have decided January 20th, 2009 is the date of the “Rapture”. If Obama is truly as they say, then when he ascends to the Office of the President of the United States of America it can only mean ONE thing…
It also means that any of you stupid fucks still around after January 20th, have an ETERNITY of hell awaiting. Enjoy. :)
Caveat said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:30
Just out of interest, is it illegal for a Muslim to be POTUS?
If not, what’s the big deal even if he were a Muslim (which he isn’t), besides the usual paranoia about the unknown? Which is pretty much everything now that I think about it.
ohsopolite said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:31
Oh Dr. Bronner! How can your soap make me feel so clean while your label makes me feel so dirty?
noen said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:35
“Therefore, he cannot provide even “And God bless America” statement for that is entirely hypocritical in the eyes of the Muslims who know him to be Muslim.”
Why won’t Obama provide statement? Why does he hate statement? Typical Mooslim with all of them knowing each other by… just… knowing… who they are…. it’s spooky. There must be a secret handshake or sumpin.
Joe Max said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:36
Actually, the word “Ba’al” is simply the old Levantine/Canaanite word for “Lord” – in effect, it’s a common noun, not a proper one. Whatever god someone worshiped could be addressed as their “Ba’al.”
Most of the tales of children of the non-Hebrew tribes being sacrificed “by fire” to Ba’al or Moloch (another made-up god name with no archeological evidence) described in the Old Testament are completely unsupported by archeological research and scholarship. There have never been remains of any “trophets” of sacrificed children (or adults) found anywhere in the Levant.
Essentially, the practice of religious bigots demonizing the beliefs of “the other” is an ongoing concern that has been practiced for at least 5,000 years. Right-wing bigoted religious bullshit has an incredibly old pedigree.
(And there’s no evidence that the Exodus described in the Bible ever happened either. Most of Judeo-Christian “biblical history” rests on the same evidential ground as Minerva springing fully formed from the brow of Zeus.)
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:38
You say Ba’al, we say El
Let’s call the whole thing off.
noen said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:39
“Confusion oil be my epitath.”
I prefer confusion brownies myself but, you know, to each their own.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:39
Oily bastard.
Stephen said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:41
Forget America’s Judeo-Christian heritage.
Gladly.
Yeah, I know Pere Ubu beat me to it, but I came here just to say it, and I done said it.
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:47
Yeah, I know Pere Ubu beat me to it
Ha!
That black skull candle was worth it!
Smiling Mortician said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:47
Judeo-Christian heritage deities for all! http://www.catholicshopper.com/products/inspirational_sport_statues.html
FYWP and the link-sucking horse you rode in on.
Jennifer said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:49
I’m an America-hating liberal American, as is evidenced by my failure to sing the national anthem every time I sit down to take a dump.
Only godless heathen America-haters dump without singing the anthem. We also don’t use star-spangled TP to clean up afterwards.
Bill said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:50
Last week I tried to write J. Grant about this column to enlighten him and the tubes told me that truthinconviction doesn’t exist. So, yes, Alkali Bill, I think S,N did invent him.
God bless S,N.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:51
Where’s the Ultimate Fighting Jesus?
PeeJ said,
November 28, 2008 at 21:59
If not, what’s the big deal even if he were a Muslim…
Tribalism, m’friend. Which begs the question of whether christianist cannibals, Pastor Swank for example, would eat the flesh of a Muslim. Or do they only eat the flesh of Jews? And christianists of other
sub-cultssects.Another Kiwi said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:00
Is the skull black or the candle? If you poured confuision oil on the candle would it cancel out the confusedary or double it? Is Pep Lopez Tequila the same as confusion oil?
It’s a complex world, my children, cleave unto Pasta Swank for teh answers.
Snorghagen said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:02
I think I’d prefer The Finger of Mortality is ringing the Doorbell of Rectitude, and in response the Dogs of Remembrance are barking in the Vestibule of the Lord. Let ‘em figure that one out.
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:04
The Finger of Mortality is ringing the Doorbell of Rectitude
Is that what you kids are calling it now?
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:05
FY WP and the confusedary you rode on.
Snorghagen said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:09
Be sure to lubricate your Finger of Mortality with ample amounts of Confusion Oil.
MzNicky said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:14
Hey! I saw those Jesus Inspirational Sports Statues® at Miss Poppy Dixon’s one time. We were all laughing and laughing and wondering where in the world Miss Dixon found such delightfully subversive items.
Jennifer said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:16
“Confusion oil be my epitath.”
Al Bundy is my spirit guide, so that probably makes us even.
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:16
The Gymnastics one on page 3 is profoundly disturbing. In fact it even freaked out WP, which ate the link.
MzNicky said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:17
I’d also like to reiterate at this time my thankfulness for S,N! and its marvelous commenters. Especially after having spent the last 36 hours with extended-family members. Coming back here is like returning home from koo-koo land.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:17
Spiderman OILED.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:19
I note hockey Jesus is not showing any teeth.
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:19
I prefer confusion brownies myself but, you know, to each their own.
Have you tried walking a cracked and broken path with a head full of confusion brownies? You can’t do it, my friends! You’d go arse-over-kite at the first crack!
Legalize said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:20
I am concerned that Barry Hussein Osama X will replace the national anthem with “For those About to Rock (We Salute You).” And by “concerned” I actually mean, “extremely hopeful.”
RobW said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:20
Where’s the Ultimate Fighting Jesus?
RB, here’s the original seller of Jesus action figures. They have a soldier Jesus wearing desert camo and body armor under His robe, holding a dove. It’s been changed though; it used to have Him holding a rifle in the other hand.
I can’t decide if I like Biker Jesus or Surfer Jesus best.
http://wearefishermen.com/home.html
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:23
But where is piano-playing Liberace Jesus?
Mister DNA said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:24
I ain’t even got a wall! You can call home and ask my wife!
owlbear1 said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:28
Rock-climbing jesus?
An actual “Rock-climbing” Jesus?
yep…
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:28
Where is set-fire-to-poop-in-a-bag-and-ring-the-doorbell Jesus?
PeeJ said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:29
My favorite will always be the baby Jesus buttplug.
[ctl-a ctl-c just in case WP fucks me with a Jackhammer Jesus]
owlbear1 said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:32
What doesn’t JC smile?
Even while surfing?
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:32
Where’s the Ultimate Fighting Jesus?
Well, here’s “Fight Club” J*sus:
http://flickr.com/photos/budugly/2496230279/
Snorghagen said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:39
Obviously, this is what you should be listening to as you’re admiring your Jesus Inspirational Sports Statues.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:39
He’s competing for the title of Word with a goddamned bird.
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:40
I would pay
good moneyNew Zealand currency for the Crash Test Jesus.TheInternets said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:41
Pfft. My brother is more ripped than that.
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:43
Here’s a better representation of my Lord and Saviour, who would kick the ass of your pansy DEMONcrap J*sus all over town:
http://www.art4god.com/html/?go=product&id=warrio
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:49
Not to mention Tattoo J*sus:
http://www.art4god.com/html/?go=product&id=nan
Olexicon said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:50
Cross Checking Jesus
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:51
Videotaping the Signals Jesus
owlbear1 said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:52
Cable repair guy Jesus
Susan of Texas said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:52
Here’s Laughing Jesus.
owlbear1 said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:53
chef Jesus
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:55
Groovin’ to Phish Jesus
Snorghagen said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:55
Here’s Mickey Kaus Jesus.
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:55
He’s competing for the title of Word with a goddamned bird.
Not just any bird either, but some kind of albatross-flavoured seabird, judging from Dürer’s woodcut. It may even be a part-grown pelican.
owlbear1 said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:56
OB/GYN Jesus
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:57
No way is there a Ballet Jesus or a Gymnastics Jesus. There is, though, a Bowling Jesus – very heartlandy, unlike Cricket Jesus. Soccer Jesus is too Euro to be a real Jesus.
But Marital Arts Jesus is a great find.
Wait – Martial?
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:57
The good ol’ Fightin’ Jesus
The Vampire Jesus (who shed his blood for you and now WANTS IT BACK)
The smut-film makin’ Jesus
The Jesus who’s small ehough to dance on the head of a pin
New Improved Jesus (batteries sold separately)
The Soft & Cuddly Jesus
Jesus on a stick
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 22:59
Seinfeld quotin’ Jesus
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:00
Silly Putty Jesus (lift the Sunday Comics off the page with him!)
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:00
My frat house had a Beer Bong Jesus and a Lighting Farts with a Match Jesus.
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:00
Life-size CPR-practice-dummy Jesus.
But Marital Arts Jesus is a great find.
Initially I read that as Marital Aids Jesus.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:00
Waiting in Line Jesus
Mister DNA said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:01
I can find Jesus t-shirts, and I can find wolf t-shirts, but why can’t I find a Jesus/wolf t-shirt?
Snowwy said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:04
OMG, I never knew Mickey Rourke played Jesus!
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:05
Waiting in Line Jesus
I don’t care whose son you are, buddy; this is Golgotha, and it’s a busy day, and we’re all short-tempered, and you can just stand in the queue like everyone else.
Tehanu said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:06
I have a leak in my sewage line and an inept plumber working on it right now. Where the hell is Sewage and Mold Odor Cleanup Jesus?
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:07
“JESUS!!” Jesus, who wants you to take his name in vain!
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:09
ATOMIC JESUS OF THE FUTURE!!11
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:09
Papal history being what it is I am not sure what role a patron saint of poisoning is supposed to fill.
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:10
Packaged By Weight, Not By Volume Jesus
jurassicpork said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:10
A week after the elections, George W. and Laura Bush sat for an interview for the “National Day of Listening” sponsored by StoryCorp. The questioning was put forth by, incredibly, Bush’s own sister, Doro. Bush’s whiney, defensive answers to perfectly innocuous questions put forth by his own sister is only the least of what has to be the most perfect delineation of Bush’s psychopathology and complete, messy divorce from reality. Among the topics: the role faith has played on his pResidency, health care for seniors, the liberation of 50,000,000 people and much, HIV/AIDS funding in Africa, much more.
So sit back and witness the disintegration of a human mind in this “Interview With Big Brother.”
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:12
Werewolf J*sus:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=24497592
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:13
Really Annoying Whiny Voice Jesus
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:14
Reinstalling Windows Jesus
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:14
I am not sure what role a patron saint of poisoning is supposed to fill.
There’s a patron saint of kite-flying, so why not?
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:16
J*sus Hitler:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UwPaWrBDjco
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:16
Beats The Shit Out Of Glenn Beck For Writing Yet Another Goddamn Schmaltzy Christmas Book Jesus
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:17
Bloody hell, there’s that seagull again.
Dan Someone said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:17
Teen Jesus
Barely Legal Jesus
Jesus Gone Wild Spring Break
VIP Room Jesus
Amateur Jesus
Get a Date Tonight With Sexy Jesus in Your Neighborhood
Impress Her With Your Giant Jesus
It’s Pronounced “Jee Zuss” Not “Hay Zeus” Jesus
Deep Fried Jesus With Powdered Sugar
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:20
Superhero Jesus
Snorghagen said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:20
Voyeur Jesus
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:23
one for TEH LAY-DEEZ:
the Creepy Stares At Your Breasts The Entire Time He Talks To You Jesus
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:25
Waterboarding Judas in Hell Jesus
Snorghagen said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:25
Half-Jesus (with sunglasses).
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:26
the Thinks He Could Go On American Idol ‘Cause Noone Will Tell Him How Godawful His Singing Really Is Jesus
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:27
Altruism All Around!
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:27
the Calls Comic Books “Graphic Novels” And Corners You And Talks Incessantly About His D&D Character Jesus
Candy said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:28
Smut, I fear tomorrow we’ll be crying.
Oh, well, it’s cat food again.
Duros Hussein 62 said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:29
Are all those Jesus paintings supposed to look like Bob Seger, or is it just a divine coincidence?
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:30
the Biting Off Heads Jesus
Mister DNA said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:30
How about a low-cholesterol communion wafer called “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jesus”?
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:31
Are all those Jesus paintings supposed to look like Bob Seger, or is it just a divine coincidence?
“Against The Wind” Jesus!
actor212 said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:31
Oh Swankieeeeee!
Smiling Mortician said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:31
That’s so eerie. Jesus is reinstalling Windows on my other computer . . . Right. Now.
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:32
Fat J*sus:
http://www.fat-jesus.com/d/20001016.html
protected static said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:33
Mumbling Bus-Riding Jesus
Stained Trenchcoat and Sweatpants Jesus
Snorghagen said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:33
Used to hang out with Bob Guccione Jesus.
Smiling Mortician said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:36
Rehairing the Cello Bow Jesus.
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:37
Life-size CPR-practice-dummy Jesus.
I shall call it the Jesuscitation Model and sell it to Christian medical schools.
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:38
Zombie J*sus:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDENmSJIlMI
Duros Hussein 62 said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:38
“Like A Rock” Jesus
Righteous Bubba said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:39
Ballad of the Yellow Beret Jesus
DrDick said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:40
Hmmmmm. Sweet lo-cal chocolate covered Jeebus with sprinkles, candied goober clusters, and creamy frosting.
The Faith-Based Dave said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:40
RuggedInMontana:
Thank you very much for that site. The artist paints Jesus in a very manly way. The artist must have many manly dreams about the hunky Jesus to be able to come up with so many manly poses for Jesus.
Jesus General must be alerted to this site. He would love to question the artist in a wrestling-ring!
Pere Ubu said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:40
Gimme Five Bees For A Quarter Jesus
Mister DNA said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:41
Gibson Byrdland*-playing Jesus
*The Gibson Byrdland wasn’t named after the legendary New York jazz club (which is spelled “Birdland”), it was named after its designers, Billy Byrd and Hank Garland.
actor212 said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:42
Cmon, guys…Dashboard Jesus>!
actor212 said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:43
I shall call it the Jesuscitation Model and sell it to Christian medical schools.
Wouldn’t they just do a laying on of hands for CPR?
actor212 said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:46
That’s so eerie. Jesus is reinstalling Windows on my other computer . . . Right. Now.
Jesus uses a Mac. He told me.
Smut Clyde said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:47
Zombie J*sus:
According to Youtube, the three most related videos are:
What?
Candy said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:50
Dr Dick, you sure do piss off some trolls. There’s one named Larry over at Orcinus who’s been trying to get your attention so he can argue about his favorite obsession, although I don’t think he’s been there today.
I’ll say one thing for Larry, he seems to be a genuine troll. Hardly ever see the real deal around these parts.
I thought maybe preview would come home for the holidays. (sniff).
DrDick said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:51
Jeebus don’t use no Mac! Thems made by Apple which is the tool of the serpent to mislead man into temptation with the totally bodacious Ms Eve. We all knows that the serpent is really Satan getting all tricksy and clever and camoflagy and all. Jeebus don’t has no truck at all with Satan, I don’t care what them pagan Mormons says.
A Blown Goat said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:51
Snorghagen-
That picture was not a true represtation of “Mickey Kaus Jesus”. The picture had Jesus cradling a lamb. Mickey Kaus would never two-time us goats. He is true! He cradles only goats with his loving lips!
Goats!
DrDick said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:54
Candy – It is part of my mission in life – I am a soldier in War on Stupid. I love how ol’ Larry puts up a post denying he’s a wingnut and then immediately follows with another proving he is. He sort of got crosswise on my pointing out that fact apparently.
Mister DNA said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:56
Pro Wrestler Jesus
Bonus: He really died for our sins.
NutellaonToast said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:56
Buddha Jesus
Masturbating Jesus
Dyslexic Jesus (who’s really just a puppy).
Candy said,
November 28, 2008 at 23:58
Dr.Dick – yeah, if Larry isn’t a wingnut, then I’d have to question my understanding of “wingnut”.
He got quite agitated about it! I pictured him stomping up and down with steam coming out his ears like Yosemite Sam.
Smut Clyde said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:00
For now we see through Windows, darkly, but then we shall have Linux running.
actor212 said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:01
Jeebus don’t use no Mac! Thems made by Apple which is the tool of the serpent to mislead man into temptation with the totally bodacious Ms Eve.
My Jesus is a Horny Jesus
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:03
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Ridin’ on the dashboard of my car
I’m ‘fraind he’ll have to go
His magnet ruins my stereo
And if I have a wreck he’ll leave a scar!
Sammy said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:03
You know, I wondered how hard it could really be to find a speech in which Obama specifically blessed the USA. So I went to YouTube and did a search for the words, “barack obama speech.”
Hit number one, at 16:44: “Thank you, god bless you, and may god bless the United States of America.”
Surely a fluke, right?
Hit number two, at 44:21:
Okay – not only a God Bless, but also a reference to Hebrews 10:23.
I know that these are the batshit crazy ramblings of a revanchist toad, but for some reason I thought these people at least wanted their rants to be internally consistent. Guess I was wrong.
actor212 said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:04
Pere, I was hoping someone would get the connection. Thank you.
Sammy said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:05
Oh, duh. I forgot – Swank left himself an easy out:
Right. So even though he’s quoting Hebrews, he’s actually petitioning evil Allah.
Rightwingsnarkle said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:05
I’ve always wondered about Jesus’ middle name. All I have is an initial – “H.”
ckc (not kc) said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:06
….and god bless the United States of America
yes, but the question is WHICH GOD!!!!
ckc (not kc) said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:07
hubert
tigrismus said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:08
Man, those catholic statue Jesi are really handsy. And Ballerina Jesus has crap turn out.
Snorghagen said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:08
Yes, I know, but these are hard times and Mickey Kaus Jesus understands that you have to adapt. If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.
Some Guy said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:08
“Another question that comes to mind is this: Will we ever hear the National Anthem at B. Hussein’s scheduled events?”
The fact is, B. Hussein Osama would always use All Along the Watchtower, or Helter Skelter at his events.
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:10
The H stands for “Hallowed”, after his dad. You know…. “Hallowed be thy name”.
DrDick said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:11
Candy – that “Obama is a terrorsit” meme is sort of a dead giveaway.
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:12
The fact is, B. Hussein Osama would always use All Along the Watchtower, or Helter Skelter at his events.
I’m thinking “Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey” would be more in line with his thinking.
Smut Clyde said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:13
I had hoped to patent the idea of the Baby Jesus Novelty Backpack / Parachute, but it turns out that there is prior art.
DrDick said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:15
H stands for He-Man, cause everybody knows we ain’t got no wimpy Jeebus here in God Bless Amurica.
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:16
Then again, the H could stand for “Hussein”.
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:17
The fact is, B. Hussein Osama would always use All Along the Watchtower, or Helter Skelter at his events.
Damn, and I was SO hoping for “Jocko Homo”.
I can just see the entire crowd at his inaguration doing the “ARE WE NOT MEN?”
Jack O'neill said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:18
I’ll have you know that Ba’al is by far the worst of the Goa’uld system lords. Teal’c concurs. (What’s up with all the apostrophes?)
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:19
Viking Jesus
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:20
Jesus Haploid Christ. Also after his Dad. You know… “Where the fuck did he get that Y chromosome from, anyway?”
Also,
That could get messy. I am under the impression that one stands for the anthem.
Another Kiwi said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:22
The “Oh, like, I SO don’t care Jesus”.
New Zealand money is acceptable in many parts of Zimbabwe.
Smut Clyde said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:22
Will we ever hear the National Anthem at B. Hussein’s scheduled events?
Because of a little-known clause in the Treaty of Waitangi, all New Zealand politicians are obliged to use ‘O Fortuna’ from Carmina Burana at any election-related event.
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:22
Cue “Immigrant Song”
Viking Kittens said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:23
We approve of this comment.
DrDick said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:24
That could get messy. I am under the impression that one stands for the anthem.
That’s where the “wide stance” comes in.
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:24
See? That’s what you get for letting Peter Jackson within spitting distance of your treaty negotiations.
Snorghagen said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:25
Dancing Fool Jesus. Not many moves, though.
ckc (not kc) said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:26
..just how far IS spitting distance?
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:28
For Peter Jackson, or Jesus?
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:28
..just how far IS spitting distance?
*hawck* P-THOOOO!
about that far.
Naja ashei said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:28
Why do you ask?
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:30
the Can Spit Watermelon Seeds At Significant Fractions Of “c” Jesus
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:34
Chocolate penis J*sus:
http://scienceblogs.com/afarensis/2007/03/31/chocolate_jesus/
Some Guy said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:34
The fact is, B. Hussein Osama is re-writing ‘Immigrant Song’ to be about Muslims and Allah for use at is “Inauguration”. Real Americans will be listening, however, to ‘Are you Ready for some Football?’ while shotgunning Budweisers.
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:37
I think “Uncontrollable Urge” would be even cooler, especially if Obama, Biden, the White House Chief of Staff and Press Secretary started doing that dance that DEVO does at 2:37 into the clip.
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:38
while shotgunning Budweisers
In what sense?
Some Guy said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:40
In EVERY sense, Pere Ubu.
In every sense.
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:40
By the way, my spell check has a right-wing bias. It’s been almost a month after the election and I still get a red underline for “Obama”* and “Biden”.
“Bamako” and “Alabama” are two of the suggestions my spell check gives me.
DrDick said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:42
Damn, didn’t you get the memo? The inaugral song is this.
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:42
the Snooty Doesn’t Drink Domestic Beers But Insists On Some Obscure Microbrewery You’ve Never Heard Of Jesus
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:44
Hunky Jesus with a brazilian:
http://blogs.sfweekly.com/thesnitch/hunky_jesus_winner.jpg
DrDick said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:45
Crispy, salty, deep-fried Jeebus with lettuce, tomato, and special sauce on a sesame bun Jeebus.
DrDick said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:47
Just exactly what is he doing with that Brazilian and is it male or female?
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:48
Korean J*sus:
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm96/javabeans122/kpop/tim_jesus.jpg
Aaron said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:51
I’m pretty sure they’ll be playing either (or both!) “Chocolate City” and/or “Funky President” at the inauguration.
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:52
Shirt $14.90 J*sus:
http://exchristian.net/exchristian/uploaded_images/hotforjesus2-795092.jpg
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:56
I’m-not-getting-on-that-chopper-with-that-damn-fool-Murdock Jesus.
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
November 29, 2008 at 0:59
Bong smokin’ J*sus:
http://doctore.blog.is/blog/doctore/entry/520703/
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:02
Boomstick Jesus
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:04
Death Metal Jesus
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:05
Juggalo Jesus
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:08
BDSM Jesus.
Hey, everybody has to do something with their weekends.
sagra said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:10
Spangles give me a rash.
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:17
Bowling Jesus.
sagra said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:18
Did anyone share the Jesus light switch yet?
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:20
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:21
A PREVIEW!!! PRAISE PREVIEW JESUS!!!
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:23
Get off Mah Damn Lawn Jesus
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:23
MATLOCK! Jesus
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:25
A gravatar-enabled preview, even.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:37
Basketball Jesus
Smiling Mortician said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:42
Did someone ask for a Salty Jesus? I just happen to have one. And He brought back the preview, bless His Salty Goodness.
MzNicky said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:44
You’re all going to hell.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:44
404 Jesus
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:48
Praise Jesus, they found our little, lost preview.
Candy said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:49
Preview? Preview!
Wotta Friend We Have In Jesus!
MzNicky said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:50
Liberal Fascist Jesus at Disney World.
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:50
The next question, of course, is how do we get the li’l picture to post.
heh, heh.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:51
Here too.
MzNicky said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:53
Obviously confused about Holy Holidays Jesus.
protected static said,
November 29, 2008 at 1:58
“H” stands for Haploid.
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:00
MzNicky, that looks suspiciously like Cliffhangers on The Price is RIght.
protected static said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:03
*shakes fist* Damn you, justme.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:04
What about Right-Wing Troll Jesus with Eucharist Cheetos?
protected static said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:04
And your point…?
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:04
I guess holy Cheetos are Jeetos.
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:05
I always thought the “H” in “Jesus H. Christ” stood for “Hobart”. It’s a nice name.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:07
Nailed to a Board Jesus. Ha ha!
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:08
Jesus Christ: Super Ninja
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:09
Wears Whit Pants After Labor Day Jesus
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:09
or White, even.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:11
Cheesus
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:11
World of Warcraft Playing Jesus
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:12
You never see that guy around any more.
Simba B said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:12
or White, even.
I blame the lack of preview…oh, wait.
Another Kiwi said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:13
My dad is bigger than your dad Jesus.
The New Zealand government (formerly known as Fonterra ‘Your Arses Are Ours”)has determined that for the purposes of legal documents involving Peter ackson spitting distance is one Lagrange point distance.
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:14
? And The Jesuserians
Another Kiwi said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:14
Peter ackson is the cunning alter ego of Peter Jackson.
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:15
War on Christmas Jesus
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:16
the Jesus Who Seems Like Just A Regular Guy, You Know, Until he Snaps And Then Everyone Says “But He Was Always So Quiet”
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:18
Peter ackson is the cunning alter ego of Peter Jackson.
Peter Axon and his family all live in your brain.
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:18
Bitten By A Radioactive Gerbil At A Science Fair Jesus
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:18
Leaving the Dishes Until Tomorrow Jesus
Kip W said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:18
I like the Jesus who watches people work. I imagine He keeps up a running stream of friendly chatter: “Layin’ carpets, huh? What’s that like? You measure it first? What’s this thing for? You ever forget and leave something underneath and wonder where it went? So, this is what you do all day long? Man, I’m hungry. When’s lunch? Did you have to study somewhere to learn how to lay carpets?”
I can’t believe nobody’s mentioned Buddy Christ!
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:19
The Jesus Who’s Just Like That Other Jesus Except This One Doesn’t Have A Beard
Mark Knopfler said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:21
The Jesus Who’s Just Like That Other Jesus Except This One Doesn’t Have A Beard
One of them must be wrong..
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:22
The “Can I Borrow A Twenty Until Friday” But You Know He’s Never Goddamn Going To Pay It Back Jesus
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:22
That Yappy Dog Jesus
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:22
I like the Jesus who watches people work.
I saw him last week – somebody brought him for Take Your Jesus to Work Day.
Thom Jeff said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:23
Credentials don’t get much better than this:
Graduate of accredited college (BA) and seminary (M Div) with graduate work at Harvard Divinity School.
Pure gold, obviously, also.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:24
Loaves and fishes for lunch. Bleah.
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:25
Forwards Every Unfunny Email He Gets No Matter How Many Times Everyone In The Office Has Seen Them Jesus
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:25
Cheeses of Nazareth
Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:27
Loaves and fishes for lunch. Bleah.
At least it’s all you can eat. He may not be much, but he’s my personal savior.
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:31
Free With A Purchase Of An Adult-Sized Meal For A Limited Time Jesus
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:32
YouTube Comment Jesus
Matt T. said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:34
The “H” stands for Harold. “Our father who art in Heaven, Harold be thy name.”
And the Jesus us Presleyterians worship. Truly, he is Our Rock and Roll, two mints in one. Thankyewverymuch .
And since probably no one else got it, Mister DNA, I thought the Charlie Daniels reference was funny, probably ’cause it’s from back way before he sucked.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:40
Hypno Jesus
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:43
I’m betting Jesus would eat bugs. Or weather-stripping.
Susan of Texas said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:44
Alien Jesus
Susan of Texas said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:45
Futurama Jesus
Simba B said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:46
I can’t believe none of you have posted this yet.
alec said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:48
I’m shocked nobody has brought it up yet, but Jeezus, not Jesus.
Also, hooray for previews – and why the hell do we got avatars if we cain’t use ‘em? Madness.
Snorghagen said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:50
Raptor Jesus. Don’t fuck with him.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:51
When Jesus comes will you be ready?
alec said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:55
A lot has been said about Left Behind, but to be fair, when Jurassic Park portrays the rapture better than you . . .
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 2:59
I thought Peter Jackson was a Lagrange point.
Also, I’d Walk A Mile For A Camel Jesus
M. Bouffant said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:00
Glow-in-the-Dark Jesus on a Stick
Another Kiwi said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:00
“When Jesus comes will you be ready?”
He’s going to want the spare room, right? I guess I can move the gin still.
mikey said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:01
Hey, the catchup’s ringing.
Somebody answer it!
mikey
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:02
You’d best get that way, and fast.
protected static said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:03
Jesus Condoms!
protected static said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:04
Burma Shave Jesus
(not to be confused with Mission of Burma Jesus…)
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:06
Jesus of the Eels
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:06
Thanks, Matt. I figured at least one person here has heard Uneasy Rider (the original, not the shitty remake).
The Passion of Benny Hill.
Matt T. said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:07
When Jesus comes will you be ready?
Well, depends. Is he expecting to be fed?
Matt T. said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:08
Thanks, Matt. I figured at least one person here has heard Uneasy Rider (the original, not the shitty remake).
Hell, I’ve been in that bar at least once. Thankfully, I speak fluent redneck.
J— said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:09
It has begun. The Baby Jesus of La Soledad church, San José, Costa Rica, stolen. The Baby Jesus of Southwood Farm Shop and Nursery, Cottingham, East Riding, England, stolen.
GPS your Baby Jesus before it’s too late.
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:10
Riding Jesus
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:10
SHESUS!
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:11
Alligator in the lap seems a little chancy…
Snorghagen said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:13
A decorative ceramic Jesus firearm is a tasteful addition to any interrogation room.
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:13
Jesus Saves
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:14
Disgusting.
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:15
Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter
M. Bouffant said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:15
Jesus saves, Moses invests.
They both got screwed.
PeeJ said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:16
Jesus Had Two Daddies Jesus
WJHOA! Preview is baaaack!
Jennifer said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:26
Jesus Had Two Daddies Jesus
Well, if we are to take Xtian theology at face value, Jesus was his own daddy.
Kip W said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:26
I saw a good bumper sticker, many years ago:
Kip W said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:28
In some of the places where we used to live, there were churches with, usually, three giant-sized crosses out front. If Jesus comes back, they’re ready for Him.
Snorghagen said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:30
World’s largest drowning Jesus
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:30
For you old-school punks… The Feederz: Jesus (featuring both the Let Them Eat Jellybeans version and the Ever Feel Like Killing Your Boss? version).
Matt T. said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:33
Jesus saves, Moses get the rebound. Moses passes to Buddha who passes Krishna. Krishna shoots….HE SCORES!
Righteous Bubba said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:35
Can’t he just, like, walk up out of there or something?
jurassicpork said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:45
A picture, they say, is worth 1000 words.
Here’s 10,000.
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:47
Skateboarding Is Not A Crime Jesus
Smut Clyde said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:52
Mister DNA said,
Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter
Ahem.
It has begun. The Baby Jesus of La Soledad church, San José, Costa Rica, stolen. The Baby Jesus of Southwood Farm Shop and Nursery, Cottingham, East Riding, England, stolen.
Sending-snapshots-home-of-himself-in-front-of-tourist-spots-around-the-world Baby Jesus.
Burma Shave Jesus said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:53
If you have some time to spare….
Burma Shave Jesus said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:54
Wash your face and comb your hair…
Burma Shave Jesus said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:54
Gather up all those little pieces…
Burma Shave Jesus said,
November 29, 2008 at 3:54
And get some of that blue-eyed Jesus…
protected static said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:00
Hotrod-building Jesus
Matt T. said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:02
Via the Austin Lounge Lizards. I’d post the song if I could.
I know you smoke, I know you drink that brew.
I just can’t abide a sinner like you.
You know, God can’t either that’s why I know it to be true.
Jesus loves me but he can’t stand you.
I’m goin’ straight to heaven, boys, when I die.
‘Cos I’ve crossed every T and I’ve dotted every I.
My preacher tells me that I’m God’s kinda guy, that’s why
Jesus loves me, but you’re gonna fry.
God loves all his children, by gum
But that don’t mean he won’t incinerate some
Can’t you feel those hot flames lickin’ you?
Woo-woo-woo.
I’m raisin’ my kids in a righteous way,
So don’t you be bring your’s over to play.
They’ll grow up stoned, left-leaning and gay.
I know, ’cause, Jesus told me on the phone the other day.
Jesus loves me, this I know,
And he told me where you’re gonna go.
There’s lots of room for your kind down below.
Whoah-whoah-whoah.
Apparently, Jesus has a 900 hundred number in Tulsa.
M. Bouffant said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:03
Excuse me, but have you all noted what this has degenerated into?
Smut Clyde said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:04
I’m betting Jesus would eat bugs.
You are confusing Jesus with Renfrew, first among His disciples.
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:07
Mojo Nixon: Are You Drinking With Me, Jesus?
Myamnar Shave Jesus said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:10
I don’t care if it rains or freezes…
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:16
Excuse me, but have you all noted what this has degenerated into?
Something more entertaining than having Dumbshit Pravda come by and do his lil’ pee-on-the-floor-to-get-our-attention routine?
Matt T. said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:17
Excuse me, but have you all noted what this has degenerated into?
Piss off, this is a Christian country and we’re celebratin’. Or at least I am.
Oooh, Dropkick me, Jesus through the goal-posts of life…
M. Bouffant said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:17
That too.
Great Grandma Monserrate-Valrie Delilah the Mysterious Record Producer said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:17
Jesus Be a Fence. Or a nice shed with siding.
Matt T. said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:19
Wait, I’m sorry, this is a Judeo-Christian country.
“Oooh, they ain’t makin’ Jews like Jesus anymore/They ain’t makin’ carpenters who know what nails are for…”
M. Bouffant said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:19
Sorry, forgot it’s all Xian all the time here in the United Snakes. Really, I’m just mad I don’t have any more funny Jeezis shots.
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:20
Mojo Nixon: Are You Drinking With Me, Jesus?
And a link to “Drop Kick Me Jesus Through The Goal Post of Life”! Whee!
Smut Clyde said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:20
Cunningly Disguised with a False Nose, Graucho Glasses and Mark Noonan’s Eyebrows Jesus.
Talkin’ about my degeneration…
Danny Semitizations the Bogong Moth said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:21
Somehow Googling “Jesus” and “transfat” yielded a lot of good stuff.
M. Bouffant said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:21
Hey. Kinky, the King of Kerrville, TX! Extra points!
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:22
“Jesus shots”?
Jesus tried doing shots, but the glass kept falling through the holes in his palms.
Matt T. said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:35
Best Jesus Evar:
Jesus said His disciples, “Who do you say that I am?”
They replied, “You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed.”
And Jesus said, “What?”
pastor mikey said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:38
15And when it was evening, his disciples came to him, saying, This is a desert place, and the time to rock n roll is now past; send the multitude away, that they may go into the villages, and “take care of head”.
16But Jesus said unto them, They need not depart; give ye them to party.
17And they say unto him, We have here but five plastic shot glasses, and two bottles of the Patron.
18He said, Bring them hither to me. Right on!
19And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the grass, and took the five cheesy plastic shot glasses, and the two bottles of Patron, now somewhat depleted, and looking up to heaven, he blessed, and poured, with lime and salt for the assembled multitudes, and gave the shotz to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude. And the multitude rocked.
Gawd bless ye one and all!
Arky 4 That 1 said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:42
I don’t know why …
Hey, there’s a little avatar thingy in preview that flashes whenever I type …
Anyway, I don’t know why the narcs fuck with people who use marijuana for medical purposes when there are angel dust huffing bastards like sWank running around. Maybe they’re afraid to go near him.
That avatar thing is really rather annoying.
The Truth said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:46
Liberals, as usual I find your pathetic attempt at humor unfunny in one sense (ha ha) but funny in the same way I secretly laugh at retarded people. Strange.
You see, your messiah Osama Biden Laden will never take office. Once the American people realize they’ve been duped by a mask muslim, the game will be over.
So toodle-oo!
M. Bouffant said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:47
Also, the favicon (that stupid lowercase “e” that Microsnoft uses for Idiot Exploder) flashes when typing as well.
Epileptics beg you: Make it stop!!
M. Bouffant said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:48
Who was that “mask muslim?”
Matt T. said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:52
Who was that “mask muslim?”
With a hearty “Allah Akbar” and a cloud of dust…
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 4:54
M. Bouffant, Firefox will make it stop.
It won’t, however, stop Wordpress from eating links to Firefox…
kenga said,
November 29, 2008 at 5:01
Safari also has no flashing “e” thingey.
kenga said,
November 29, 2008 at 5:04
Or green teeth.
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 5:10
Dyslexics beg you: make it tops!
M. Bouffant said,
November 29, 2008 at 5:12
Thanks, all. Chrome works fine too. If I could get Firefox to recognize Windows Media Player (all of this depending on which on-line radio/music source I’m using) I wouldn’t soil my hands w/ Idiot Ex.
Simba B said,
November 29, 2008 at 5:18
M. Bouffant—there should be an NPAPI plugin for Windows Media Player, allowing Firefox to work with it, but if the site is using IE-specific methods or technologies to access the plugin, you may be S.O.L.
I’m not sure if this plugin is part of the standard install of Media Player or if it needs downloaded seperately.
See PluginDoc for info on Firefox/Mozilla plugins, and also, VideoLAN has a really good Windows (and OS X for that matter) port that should have a browser plugin.
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 5:27
I can dig it. I use Firefox for my day-to-day browsing – the only time I used Explorer was to watch online movies at Netflix. Now that I can watch Netflix movies on the Xbox360, I might as well uninstall Explorer.
Celenaro Radiators-Bowler the Pathological Mudminnow said,
November 29, 2008 at 5:28
Excuse me, but have you all noted what this has degenerated into?
donnah said,
November 29, 2008 at 5:29
That Jesus statue is visible from 75 South between Dayton and Cincinnati, Ohio. He has a lot of names, but we like “touchdown Jesus”.
http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/9786
He’s the best Jesus ever!
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 5:33
I use Opera for 95% of my Web browsing, and I’m prefectly happy with it. (Firefox for the other 5%, stuff that Opera can’t handle for some reason and I don’t feel like mucking about trying to figure out why not).
You know, I think there are still versions of Netscape Navigator available for download… ;)
Jennifer said,
November 29, 2008 at 5:33
Ah, jeez…I spent a goodly amount of time over at Secret Agent Flowbee’s joint today, taunting the denizens with the fact that, contrary to their continuing claims of “stolen” nominations, the polls way back at the beginning of Feb. – at the point where name recognition alone stopped being the determining factor in how well candidates were polling – showed Obama having pulled even with Clinton, from which point he was always ahead – and that this indicates that the person nominated was, in fact, the choice of the majority of Democratic voters and belies any claims about “stolen nominations”.
Blithely ignoring the polls, which can’t be disputed – which say now what they said then and will continue to always say – they embarked on the usual tactics of flaming me as a “troll”, asserting that there was no “fair roll call vote at the convention” (never mind that it was Hillary that called to end it and nominate by acclamation – or that by that point, she was trailing in the voting by 1500 + to some 300+), that “Hillary’s name was never entered into nomination” (which kind of, you know, contradicts the other stuff about how delegates were voting for her until she moved to call off the vote), yadda yadda yadda…they have one regular over there who, in addition to being an inveterate liar, thinks that prefacing any and all posts with “LOL!!” “LOL!!” indicates to all reading that what follows is supposed to be witty…I mean, christ, how can people live with being so shamelessly dishonest? What parallel world are they living in?
And more importantly, why can’t I get a fucking life and leave those losers alone?
Pere Ubu said,
November 29, 2008 at 5:34
Excuse me, but have you all noted what this has degenerated into?
A distinct lack of fun & blasphemy.
Dyslexic Jesus, who shed his loodb for you
jim said,
November 29, 2008 at 5:39
Vengeance is mine, saith PMS Jesus.
Hey hey heyyyyy – not only do I have preview visible, but my Gravatar too?!
Are they putting something in the water again or what?
Another Kiwi said,
November 29, 2008 at 5:47
Things they do look awful cold
Hope I die before I get old
Not tryin to cause a big sensation
Just talkin about de generation
De- generation, baby
Simba B said,
November 29, 2008 at 5:56
I might as well uninstall Explorer.
You cannot do this (except on Mac), as IE is deeply integrated into the OS. You can “remove access” to it, which more or less just deletes the icons. This doesn’t really save you disk space or anything like that, it is part of the legal settlement that Microsoft has with the DoJ.
centaur said,
November 29, 2008 at 6:00
Smut Clyde wrote:
Confusion oil be my epitath.
King Crimson reference FTW
Smut Clyde said,
November 29, 2008 at 6:11
Candy laughed at 23:28. That is the only the prize I ask.
Smut Clyde said,
November 29, 2008 at 6:23
Another Kiwi said,
Things they do look awful cold
Hope I die before I get old
Now look what you’ve started.
Doctors tried to put me down
(talkin’ about my degeneration)
Just because my brain’s unsound
(talkin’ about my degeneration)
Body might not last till dawn
(talkin’ about my degeneration)
Wish I died before I got born
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
November 29, 2008 at 6:40
Gravy-tars?
Is this part of the liberal plot to destroy Thanksgiving?
M. Bouffant said,
November 29, 2008 at 6:41
It’s degenerated into talking ’bout degeneration, & useful tips that I can use. As planned.
Cheers, Simba B, I’ll check those sites!
Mister DNA said,
November 29, 2008 at 6:46
Johnny wastes his days eatin’ ludes
He’s a teenage vegetable
Getting high proves that he’s cool
Johnny hates to think, he’s ignorant
He’s a mindless brainwashed pig
Ring a bell, he starts to drool
Degenerated! Degenerated! And your minds have vegetated!
Degenerated! Degenerated! And your thoughts are constipated!
g said,
November 29, 2008 at 6:51
Jesus!! Sorry.
That statue looks like Jesus is looking for a lifeguard to save him from drowning.
RUGGED IN MONTANA said,
November 29, 2008 at 6:55
J*sus Chrysler:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQVvtecOhGg
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 6:56
It just occurred to me hat I can’t remember any time Jesus actually ended a speech with “God Bless America” either. I always knew there was something shifty about that guy.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
November 29, 2008 at 6:57
Did I see Smut Clyde mention a Shakira Parody Jesus earlier in this thread?
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 6:57
that, even.
I blame the distraction of Preview.
sharl said,
November 29, 2008 at 10:40
Count confuser Jebus (stronger than the confusion oil).
Parent site has promising-looking URLs (do Ctrl-F on ‘jes’); I’m too tired to check ‘em all out just now.
nrar said,
November 29, 2008 at 10:58
We’re all going to Hell for this thread.
And the good Christians will look down from Heaven, and laugh and laugh and laugh at our unending torment.
Cuz that’s the best part of being Saved.
Arky 4 That 1 said,
November 29, 2008 at 14:47
Well, he is a foreigner.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
November 29, 2008 at 15:03
And a liberal.
actor212 said,
November 29, 2008 at 15:29
You see, your messiah Osama Biden Laden will never take office.
You just threatened the life of the President of the United States, Troofie.
Shame on you!
Teaflax said,
November 29, 2008 at 15:35
My wife adds: cornering his spouse and reading silly comments off the internet Jesus.
justme said,
November 29, 2008 at 16:03
Yeah, but come on. After 9/11, everybody had our backs. Did we hear one little peep out of that guy? NoooOOOoooo. Fer fuck’s sake, Iran was being nice-nice. This guy hates America more than Iran does? I worry a little. There are a lot of people going around and spouting off what he said out of some book, like he was Chairman Mao or something. Makes me kind of uncomfortable. I thought we had those commies beat.
One little “God Bless America” shouldn’t be so much to ask, now should it?
monkey knife fight said,
November 29, 2008 at 17:21
That Jesus statue is visible from 75 South between Dayton and Cincinnati, Ohio. He has a lot of names, but we like “touchdown Jesus”
That statue is the best thing ever. Mostly because it makes me want to watch Platoon again.
Rusty Shackleford (not that one) said,
November 29, 2008 at 19:04
Speaking of hideous “religious” statutes visible from the public roadway:
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1076/947141984_542e2ecff1.jpg
It’s in Memphis.
MzNicky said,
November 29, 2008 at 19:11
Also in Memphis (well, Cordova, a sort of suburb) near where my aunt lives loom three skyscraper-tall white crosses, which serve as the landmark for a mega-church and its surrounding 2,000 acres or so of property. Scary.
MzNicky said,
November 29, 2008 at 19:16
a/k/a Bellevue Baptist Church of Memphis, a/k/a Six Flags Over Jesus.
Rusty Shackleford (not that one) said,
November 29, 2008 at 19:25
Scary and weird, MzNicky, but appropriate for a city whose biggest tourist attraction is Graceland.
MzNicky said,
November 29, 2008 at 19:30
Rusty Shackeford (not): Indeed. The city’s just one big tackyorama!
Actually Memphis still has some cool things goin’ on.
Rusty Shackleford (not that one) said,
November 29, 2008 at 19:30
I have never heard President McCain end a speech with “God bless America” either – and I don’t think I ever will.
MzNicky said,
November 29, 2008 at 19:31
Shackleford. My apologies.
Rusty Shackleford (not that one) said,
November 29, 2008 at 19:34
Didn’t mean to slight Memphis, MzNicky. As a resident of NE Mississippi I visit there frequently. Sometimes the wife and I go there just to get Thai food, for which there are at least three good restaurants. And for those times when you just gotta have a mall, you could do a lot worse than Wolfchase.
MzNicky said,
November 29, 2008 at 19:44
Oh no RS(nto), not at all. Graceland and Six Flags Over Jesus are the definitive tacky. My stompin’ ground’s upper East Tenn. anyway, not the Missippi [sic] flatlands. That’s the spouse’s hometown. But I like to visit Memphis too. Hey, ya gotta love Sun Studios, Stax Records, birthplace of Rock and Roll.
Rusty Shackleford (not that one) said,
November 29, 2008 at 20:02
Not to mention the Gibson factory. Truly drool-worthy.
protected static said,
November 29, 2008 at 21:47
…the National Museum of Ornamental Metalwork is drool-worthy as well (at least, this on-again/off-again DIY’er thought it was).
Smut Clyde said,
November 29, 2008 at 23:07
J*sus Chrysler:
Teh Screaming Blue Messiahs! Happy happy!
actor212 said,
December 1, 2008 at 18:29
Actually Memphis still has some cool things goin’ on.
Well, there is Beale Street, to be sure, and the original Corky’s BBQ.
Apart from that, I spent a week there one day.