Andrew Breitbart, LA’s most dapper wingnut, has some advice for the GOP if it wants to win any future elections. Enlist hunky models from Abercrombie & Fitch as the new GOP candidates and run them against the ugly, baby boomer Democrats. Seriously. And, best I can tell, Breitbart isn’t attempting parody. He’s as serious as Jonah “the Whale” Goldberg at the sundae station of an all-you-can-eat early-bird buffet.
[H]ere’s an unorthodox fast-track plan for a full-scale GOP recovery in 2010. The future of the Grand Old Party needs to be dangerously youthful, devastatingly attractive and outrageously fun.
Like these young Republicans.
With the economy in the pits, the young, the restless and unapologetically handsome should use their looks, vigor and Internet knowledge to wrest away elective office from joyless bureaucrats who gallingly repackaged the soiled utopian promises of their overly replayed Woodstock days as “hope” and “change.”
Woohoo! Zac Efron can be like the next Secretary of Treasury. My 401(k) got hard and throbby just at the thought.
So let’s stop first at Abercrombie and Fitch. See those shirtless models in the storefront tossing footballs in the air? There’s a better use of their time and efforts. Tanned, coiffed and seriously cut, these young studs could be tossing free-trade legislation across the halls of the Cannon House Office Building faster than you can Twitter “The Bella Twins.” Just tell these $15-an-hour beefcakes there’s a Democrat standing between them and a $169,300 job.
Um, Andy, if you’re going to salivate over A&F models and fantasize about being the slice of ham in their free-market sandwich, then you probably ought to know that the guys who pose for the photos are getting a lot more than $15 per hour. And that they’re going to charge more than that to play toss-the-legislation and hide-the-sausage with you.
Sure, a lot of our newly elected officials may not be completely up to speed on the issues, but once elected, they’ll have close to three months to cram. That’s almost a full semester – enough time to get the gist of the Constitution. Leave the details for the staffers.
Look at how well that worked for Caribou Barbie.
Under my plan, the party will grow as the parties grow. Weekly keggers and Guitar Hero and karaoke fundraisers can make a mockery of the self-serious poetry slam-faced Obama youth movement. …
We’ll even throw in some Republican punk rockers and conservative performance artists while we’re at it. They do exist.
I don’t know about you, but I’d rather convert to Mormonism than attend a Republican punk rock concert or watch a conservative performance artist perform. And what would a conservative performance artist do exactly? Smear her chastely-clothed body in crude oil while chanting “Drill, Baby, Drill”?
If we’re going to make the Republican Party a big tent again, why not make it large enough to hold a rave?
That’s actually the best part of Breitbart’s column. He apparently still thinks that raves are cool, which is really kind of creepy. It’s sort of like your grandmother buying you a cocaine spoon necklace for your birthday and then saying, with a sly wink and a smile, “And you thought your granny was such an old stick in the mud.”
*Insert rhyming word in blank. Alternate porno spelling preferred.