Nov
24
24
Pardoning The Turkey
Above: Jules Crittenden
A Time for Thanksgiving
Obama’s debt of gratitude to George W. Bush.
- In the last analysis, President Bush saved the world from several invisible giant robot Hitlers, in accordance with everything I have ever said. Alas, Obama will likely get the credit whenever a Hitler robot fails to attack.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
D.N. Nation said,
November 24, 2008 at 17:56
If only we understood just how awesome they are. Badoodle-boo-yeah.
F.Jardim said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:03
“The nuclear arms race in the Middle East was checked after 2003 when Iraq was cut out of it, Libya surrendered, and Iran momentarily halted its pursuit of nuclear weapons.”
Translating: The menacing pink elephants that we so vigorously and drunkenly fought, while toppling over our house’s furniture and generally trashing the place, have been defanged!
Jules really does show that they can be both incompetent -and- evil. In fact, that sort of multitasking is a pre-requisite for their little club.
Matt said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:03
How awesome which are? Wingnuts, or invisible robot Hitlers?
Some Guy said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:06
*funny line about any attack withing the first 9 months of Obama’s presidency immediately being Obama and Clinton’s fault.*
javafascist said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:06
Am I the only one that thought this article read like a letter from a wife-beater to his wife explaining how it was all for her own good? What a creepy asshole.
dj said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:12
crazy question. what do you do when your favorite wingnut blog bans you from leaving comments? Apparently the folks at “andrightlyso.com” are not pleased with my insightful wit (all without swears mind you).
Sarcastro said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:13
The U.S. military’s leading counterinsurgency warrior-philosopher…
He’s Colonel fucking Kurtz now?
Some Guy said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:17
“counterinsurgency warrior-philosopher…”
Wow, we’re allowed to combine arbitrary fantasy occupations now? I want to be the worlds leading astronaut-pastry chef. Or bikini inspector-trebuchet operator.
henry lewis said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:23
Change your IP. Buy more computers. Go to every library in the city.
They mustn’t be allowed to get away with this.
fardels bear said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:23
I am the military’s leading zookeeper-actuary.
actor212 said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:26
Bush deserves as much credit for no more terror attacks on our soil as he deserves blame for Jesus not returning.
donnah said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:30
“As the transition progresses and Barack Obama’s inauguration draws closer, it’s a good moment to mull the gifts George W. Bush has left for the incoming president. Bush has made the world a better place, and if Obama wants to do the same, he will take the good things Bush has done and move forward with them.”
With that introduction, my eyes rolled so far back into my head that I could see the roots of my hair. What a moron.
dex said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:32
i don’t see any…method at all, crittenden.
actor212 said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:32
As the transition progresses and Barack Obama’s inauguration draws closer, it’s a good moment to mull the gifts George W. Bush has left for the incoming president….
…much like a two year old leaves for mommy under the stairs.
henry lewis said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:35
…it’s a good moment to mull the gifts George W. Bush has left for the incoming president.
Sure you can pick them up and try using cleaning agents and sanitizers afterwards, but the best thing would probably be just replace the carpets.
El Cid said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:36
George W. Bush Jr. saved us from letting the Reagan Revolution continue on in perpetuity. Only a full-on, 100% strength dose of Reaganite Republicanism via all 3 branches of government could finally convince most Americans that it was a bunch of horrid sh*t. Whether or not we survive this realization is a good question, though.
Me said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:38
the pro-democracy, pro-American balance of power Bush has painstakingly created
Indeed, the world is so pro-American that they decided to buy us.
noen said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:38
“it’s a good moment to mull the gifts George W. Bush has left for the incoming president.”
9-11, Katrina, torture, habeas corpus, a cratered economy – Thanks George Bush!!
Barack Obama said,
November 24, 2008 at 18:57
Dear Sarah Palin,
Thanks for the landslide!
Love,
Barack
Legalize said,
November 24, 2008 at 19:17
Let me get this straight, George W. Bush, who is not a conservative, is owed a debt of gratitude by Barack Obama, who is a godless Marxist, for the gifts provided by George W. Bush, who did all of the things us conservatives wanted him to do.
W = not a conservative, but still a conservative!
I love wingnut “thinking”
Mr. Wonderful said,
November 24, 2008 at 19:19
“After the September 11 attacks the stakes were raised and Bush understood the world could not tolerate the presence of someone like Saddam, who defied all international challenges and was actively subverting the restraints upon him.”
This is a fascinating Moebius strip of wrongness, since:
a. “the stakes” had been ignored by the Bush admin. from Day One
b. Saddam had nothing to do with the attacks of 9-11.
c. The world was indeed tolerating the presence of someone like Saddam, since he had complied with UN sanctions.
d. ..which means he was exactly NOT defying all international challenges.
There may be six other dimensions of wrongness “curled up” in very tiny interstices of this column, but we simply cannot detect them with our current wingnut technology.
Crowded House said,
November 24, 2008 at 19:20
Everyone knows that proper credit for stopping invisible robot Hitlers should go to the late, great Rudy Ray Moore. Why do conservatives never talk of Dolemite’s many contributions to keeping America safe from the invisible fascist menace?
actor212 said,
November 24, 2008 at 19:34
There may be six other dimensions of wrongness “curled up” in very tiny interstices of this column, but we simply cannot detect them with our current wingnut technology.
String theory might suggest as many as twenty six more dimensions.
jim said,
November 24, 2008 at 19:39
Needs cranberry sauce, not pardoning.
Which would likely be immediately after the crystal-meth, paint-chips & airplane-glue kick in, judging from the “content” of that opening sentence. I’m going to assume you’d need all three combined to get to that level of transcendantal historical psychosis.
Hard to follow beyond said sentence, what with the massive potential for a massive comedown – it’s a given that pure comedy gold like that is gonna be a screaming bitch-kitty to top.
I stand corrected – repeatedly.
Yeah – I bet poor Obama is just a wee tad stumped as to which one he should thank Shrub for first: the pair of perilously quagmired & unnecessary wars or the amputated & gang-raped economy?
Decisions, decisions.
Djur said,
November 24, 2008 at 19:51
Well, W has two different aspects.
Emperor Dubya II, Doughty Defender of Western Civilization, Hammer of the Arabs, and in any other respect that makes “libtards” angry or disgusted — totally rock-ribbed conservative American manly patriocrat.
George W. Bush, failure at abolishing socialist security, smell-fare, and the dusky-skinned races — secret libturd.
Hope that helps.
Smut Clyde said,
November 24, 2008 at 20:39
Mulling the gifts? What?
I bought you two cinnamon sticks and a cask of cheap red wine for mulling… but i drinked it.
pat said,
November 24, 2008 at 21:10
I read the whole thing. Owww.
One question: Is there a wormhole connecting his universe and ours?
actor212 said,
November 24, 2008 at 21:50
Clinton let al Qaeda metastasize, with the horrific results of 9/11; Bush has pursued the terrorists to the end of the Earth.
Lie.
Clinton stopped 16 legitimate Al Qaeda threats during his administration, including a plot to blow up seven airliners over the Pacific and one to kill the Pope.
Bush?
Cleared brush.
Stick it, Troofie. Your lies have no meaning.
Smut Clyde said,
November 24, 2008 at 22:27
Am I the only one that thought this article read like a letter from a
wife-beaterSadlynaught tohis wifeTeh Preview Button explaining how it was all for her own good?Fized.
Sort of on the topic of gifts for an incoming president…
On the first day of Christmas, I watched on BBC
Andy Partridge and Sean Pertwee.
actor212 said,
November 24, 2008 at 22:38
I truly don’t understand what it is about you liberals that makes you think Islamic terrorism isn’t and never was a threat
And I’m wondering why you feel a few thousand…OK, after Bush’s fuckups, a few tens of thousands…of yahoos running around with videocameras is a threat to a nation of 300 million people?
Russia scares me. China scares me. They have nukes. They have an army.
Al Qaeda? Clinton had them contained and had rolled up cells all around the world.
He did it the right way, the way the Brits (remember them? Remember 7.7? Bush didnt’ stop that, now did he?) have been rolling up plot after plot: by treating them as a criminal conspiracy that needs to be rooted out and prosecuted, using American democratic justice.
You know, setting an example? Maybe you’ve heard of it.
I’m sorry for your damned luck that you’re such a pussy that they terrify you, but that’s what they want, which means as far as your concerned, they’ve won.
So, Troofie, maybe you ought to go get yourself a kaffeyah, learn Arabic, and pray five times a day to Allah.
The rest of us will handle this.
M. Bouffant said,
November 24, 2008 at 23:00
K-Lo re-hoes the row w/ her Thanksgiving From Fantasyland.
M. Bouffant said,
November 24, 2008 at 23:04
Yo, it worked sans preview, but the link is to page two of the magnum opus. Start here.
MajorKong said,
November 24, 2008 at 23:05
Funny, whenever Clinton tried to do something about Al Qaeda the Republicans screamed “Wag the dog!”.
“Terrorism is a phony issue.” – Orrin Hatch, 1996
actor212 said,
November 25, 2008 at 0:07
YAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWN
So you are dredging up a ten year old “scandal”….1999, when Bush was cozying up to the bin Laden family to bail out his oil business and finance his Presidential campaign….
Right, but Clinton was weak on terror and you’re SKEEEEEEEEEEEERED of a skinny black man!
ROFLMAO!
actor212 said,
November 25, 2008 at 0:09
Oh, and Troofie? The Surgeon General requires this:
Tell your friends!
Rusty Shackleford (not that one) said,
November 25, 2008 at 0:23
Actor212, if China scares you, then you are going to love the Clintons back in office…
President McCain is putting a Clinton in his cabinet?
Trilateral Chairman said,
November 25, 2008 at 0:55
M. Bouffant said: Yo, it worked sans preview, but the link is to page two of the magnum opus. Start here.
Oh, this is too precious:
“[t]he majority of voters in California approved a proposition that would protect the traditional definition of marriage in the state, in the face of renegade courts’ past struggles to redefine this fundament of society.”
Given that the foremost meaning of fundament is “buttocks,” K-Lo’s claim is truer than she knows. (In her defense, “fundamental principle,” which is presumably what she means, actually is on the list of definitions).
A Renegade Court said,
November 25, 2008 at 1:50
‘Renegade’ is the new ‘maverick’.
A Renegade Court said,
November 25, 2008 at 1:53
K-Lo misheard us. We were struggling to redefine the infundibulum of society.
John Dickerson said,
November 25, 2008 at 2:08
THE OBAMA RECESSION!
THE OBAMA RECESSION!
THE OBAMA RECESSION!
THE OBAMA RECESSION!
THE OBAMA RECESSION!
THE OBAMA RECESSION!
THE OBAMA RECESSION!
THE OBAMA RECESSION!
Megann McAlthouse said,
November 25, 2008 at 3:01
Obama should thank the Shia and Sunni militias for doing such a good job of ethnic cleansing that we can now all claim we won and bring our troops home. I look forward to Petraeus’ taking on Afghanistan actually, apart from the loss of life it will entail, because his reputation will be destroyed there and they won’t be able to lever him into the presidency by playing the Big Daddy card.
Another kiwi said,
November 25, 2008 at 3:41
Oooh it’s so spooky. The Hitler robots and Obama are just like the dishwasher robots and Will Smith in ‘I, Robot.’
I just hope Obama is good with the one liners in a tight situation.
Scene 1: The world Economy collapses.
Obama rides it down to the ground.
Looks at camera. O: “Yippee Ki Yi Yay, Mother f-ckers”
Shell Goddamnit said,
November 25, 2008 at 5:48
“One question: Is there a wormhole connecting his universe and ours?”
And if so, what can we do to plug the damned thing? Why, this shit could be dangerous.
Honus said,
November 25, 2008 at 5:50
I went over there, to K-Lo’s Thanksgiving prayer. She (the editor) really did call marriage a “fundament of society” I think this was because she was at a Federalist Society function, which really is a fundament of a society.
Hoosier X said,
November 25, 2008 at 9:27
Who said this exactly? Liberals?
I recall a number of Republicans saying it when they accused Clinton of wagging the dog.
watchdog said,
November 25, 2008 at 9:56
Mulling the gifts that Jr has left…..HMMMM;
The Successes of George W. Bush
• He successfully impregnated Laura
• He has succeeded in turning America into a rogue nation; he also succeeded in making us the laughing stock of the world.
• He has successfully enriched the lives of many, many really rich people
• He has successfully disenfranchised even more people.
• He has successfully polarized an entire nation if not the world.
• He has lied most successfully if not effectively.
• He has succeeded in causing the deaths of more Iraqis’ in five years than Saddam Hussein was able to pull off in a couple of decades.
• He has successfully worn out his welcome.
• He has successfully proven that government is best left in the hands of competent individuals.
• He has successfully earned the hatred of not just elements of the military, but the entire world.
• He has successfully declared a war on a verb.
• He has consistently succeeded at being a failure at all he does.
• He has successfully become a more successful criminal than Al Capone.
• Where many others have failed, he has succeeded in breaking the entire U.S Military.
• He succeeded in taking a budget surplus, and turning it into one of the biggest deficits in history all within his first term.
• He has succeeded in making cronyism and corruption into desirable traits in government officials.
• Although not smart enough to have thought it up himself, he has succeeded in making election theft look easy.
• He has successfully fooled some of the people some of the time.
• To paraphrase Rep. Rangel; he successfully shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all.
• He has successfully embarrassed not only himself, but the entire United States of America in every country he’s set foot in.
• He has succeeded in becoming the worst president of all time.
• He has successfully destroyed not only his own credibility, but also that of the Republican Party and of America in general.
• He has succeeded in spreading more fear and terror than Freddy Krueger in his prime.
• As Governor of Texas, he succeeded in executing more people than any other U.S Governor in any other state in the entire history of the United States.
Can’t get much more successful than that.
Realist said,
November 25, 2008 at 20:22
Um, so Bush policies haven’t kept the US safe?
Well, maybe if you’re a fucking idiot who buys into that whole “9/11 was Clinton’s fault” line of bullshit.