Nov
20
20
Shorter Mark Noonan
- Say, y’know what’d be awesome? If the US government paid a bunch of old sailors to be vigilantes and gave them a bunch of ’70s era battleships so they could go cruising around the high seas attacking pirates! Avast, ye scurvy dogs!! And, and, and they would be outside the Navy’s chain of command!!! And, and, AND they would be entitled to half of the ransom that the pirates were asking for!!!!!! AndandANDandand, they wouldn’t be obliged to follow any of the wimpy-assed “laws” that liberals have set up, so they could easily torture the pirates without fear of recourse!!!!!! I DON’T AT ALL SEE HOW THIS CREATES ANY BAD INCENTIVES, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK!?!!?!!?!! SERIOUSLY, WHAT COULD GO WRONG!?!!?!!!?!!?!
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Pere Ubu said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:30
What, Noonan said something dumbass two days in a row?
What’re the odds?
Snackules said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:30
Shouldn’t they be calling themselves “Blogs for Relevance” at this point?
Because “Victory,” as they’ve defined it, has pretty much become a lost cause.
Jay B. said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:31
Feh. Everyone knows the only way to defeat piracy is to be pirates. The Buddha said that.
other orange said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:33
I really don’t feel like the old saying “fight fire with fire” can be stretched to accomodate “fight pirates with pirates.”
Smut Clyde said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:33
Would they be issued with Letters of Mark?
other orange said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:34
Yeah, Buddha was totally into pirates. “Free yourself from desire… by totally looting and taking everyone’s shit. It’s hard to have desire when you swim in a pool filled with doubloons.”
Actually, I like this one.
Smut Clyde said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:35
Increased pirate numbers will reverse global warming.
Mentis Fugit said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:36
I was going to make the Letters of Marque comment, but since a Kiwi got in first anyway, I still win.
Smut Clyde said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:40
“Fighting drunken depravity with drunken depravity” has always worked for me.
Dan Someone said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:40
Everybody knows that to fight pirates, you need to hire ninjas. Duh!
Anthony said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:40
Didn’t all the pirates get melted by that radioactive sand that Iran was going to use on Israel?
marindenver said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:42
Shorter still: “Hey gang, let’s all get together in my backyard and make a pirate movie!”
Amy Alkon said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:42
Completely disregarding the lives of the crew, we could easily teach these darkies a lesson!
PeeJ said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:43
Shorter Mark Noonan? Wouldn’t that effectively turn it into a vagina?
Whaaat?
fadge me once... said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:43
Damn, nym stealing rackin smckin gobble graba!
Mark said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:44
“To fight pirates and others who threaten the free passage of peaceful vessels is the primary task of the United States Navy.”
Wrong, dipshit. Their primary purpose is to defend the good ole U S of A!!
mikey said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:44
I still think my idea from last year was the right answer.
I proposed a “Kill a brown person Vacation Cruise”.
The concept here is you outfit one of those small “adventure cruise” ships with some armor and firing positions. You make a bunch of rednecks pay you a hundred grand for a three week cruise. You just loiter off Somalia waiting for the pirates to attack. When they do, you issue the rednecks M14s or, for a higher fee, Barrett .50s. Let’s rock n roll.
In very short order, the pirates would become much more circumspect and you’d make millions in no time.
mikey
fadge me once... said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:47
Always thinkin’, that mikey.
But where will the rednecks come up with all that scratch?
Pere Ubu said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:48
Someone should remind that in a matter of weeks “the U.S. Government” will be full of icky liberals and therefore he just might want to reconsider the whole “A-Team Pirates” idea.
Though if they were to board and seize, oh, say, the NRO cruise ship, that might not be a bad thing.
PeeJ said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:52
Arrr matey thet be a fine idee! Arrr, we’ll need to be inventin a name fer em tho. Arrr, lets call em ‘privateers’. C’mon lads, arrr, we’re off to rape and pillage.
But arrr, throw yer rubbers overboard – you won’t be needin em. Arr.
[saying a little prayer to preview]
protected static said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:53
Group rates. You’d still make a fortune.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:53
Oh the year was two thousand eight
I wish I were in Sherbrooke now!
A letter of marque came from the DoD
To the scummiest vessel that’d ever been
God Damn them all! I was told
We’d cruise the seas for Pirates Bold
We’d shoot some guns, drink some beers
Now I’m a broken man on a Halifax pier
The last of noonan’s privateers.
Oh Mark Noonan, he cried the town,
How I wish I were in Sherbrooke now!
For twenty brave men, all conservatives, who
He didn’t find so he settled for chickenshit loo-sers
God Damn them all! I was told
We’d cruise the seas for Pirates bold,
We’d shoot our guns, and at chicks we’d leer
Now I’m a broken man on a Halifax pier
The last of Noonan’s privateers.
USS John Galt was a sickening sight.
How I wish I were in Sherbrooke now!
Her engine stopped and no one did squat,
But complain about the poor and the nation’s moral rot.
God Damn them all! I was told
We’d cruise the seas for Pirates bold,
We’d admire some guns, and that’s totally not queer,
Now I’m a broken man on a Halifax pier
The last of Noonan’s privateers.
Specialist G said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:59
Shorter Noonan:
Where are your buccaneers?
On either side of my buccin’ head!
Pere Ubu said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:03
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:53
Oh, hi!
Where do you want us to put this Internets you just won?
NutellaonToast said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:06
This is totally the right wing version of Sean Penn going to help Katrina victims and ending up having to bail out his boat with coffee cups.
NutellaonToast said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:07
And damn you Dragon King, for beating me to that remake.
jenniebee said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:07
I thought Noonan was opposed to pirates
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:10
Hey, I left off halfway. Someone can always pick-up the song and keep going to the point where a cannonball cuts Noonan in half!
actor212 said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:11
They called them “privateers”, Noonan.
Like Mouseketeers, only less harmful.
alec said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:12
Hilariously, the War Nerd had the same idea recently, only in reverse.
In all seriousness, Mark’s idea is terrible. The best way to fight piracy is to ensure the local economy is in good shape (or are we having problems from the Barbary lately?) and have a superpower dependent on control of the seas.
Mark’s stupid idea would contribute at least tangentially to the destruction of Indian Ocean piracy, though – he’d be sinking enormous amounts of US resources into shipping mostly unrelated to us, it wouldn’t be effective enough to give any kind of national prestige or military knock-on, and it’d dramatically hasten the inevitable rise of the looming Chinese superpower.
actor212 said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:13
But where will the rednecks come up with all that scratch?
I know! They could call it a “fundraising cruise” and have the NRO sponsor it!
Smut Clyde said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:13
Under the Obama administration, they would necessarily be known as Socialisteers.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:19
Noonan:
With apologies to our gracious hosts, Sadly, No!
(emphasis mine)
But other than being good targets, what else are Spru-cans good for?
Awesome! No Pirate Submarines will escape the USS John Galt!
More Noonan:
I wonder what the operations and maintenance budget for a thirty year old DD with a cruiser-sized hull is.
actor212 said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:22
Under the Obama administration, they would necessarily be known as Socialisteers.
Cubby! Janie! Annette! Karl!
actor212 said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:23
Argh, left a line out.
“You mean Marxisteers?
Principal Blackman said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:26
The majority of the class finished their lives as targets, being deliberately sunk in various fleet exercises.
Just like a defeatist liberal, always trying to whine and poke holes in totally awesome conservative solutions.
rorycalhoun said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:31
If you ban pirates, only pirates will have pirates.
Me likes the logics.
Orange Tom said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:31
Errr…….didn’t Blackwater just buy a warship? I’m surprised they aren’t out there recovering the lost ships for the finders fee.
I Pity The Fool said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:32
As I sat gazing at Mark’s picture and reading his fab-o fantasy plan to hit the open seas and buckle some pirate swash, it dawned on me that chances are there has to be someone close to him (a friend, family member, co-worker, etc.), relatively sane, that actually has to listen to ideas like this one directly out of his jiggling jowls, likely bellowed out like grand pronouncements of his obvious genius.
And that person prays for death. Theirs or Noonan’s, doesn’t matter. Either way, its quiet.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:32
Why do anything? The market will take care of it.
Screamin' Demon said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:35
You gotta shorten your shorters – Elton Beard could bring the snark in one sentence. As you say, he perfected the concept, so go study his work.
Major Kong said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:36
Since these guys are all wacky about the movie 300 maybe they could dress as Spartans and sail around in a trireme?
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:40
The Spruance-class displaced 8000 tons and had a complement of over 300 men. Fucking insane.
A Perry-class frigate at 4000 tons and almost 200 crew still seems like overkill.
You see, these types of vessels were designed to escort carrier groups and other vessels. They’ve got anti-missile, anti-aircraft and anti-submarine crap out the wazoo. They totally suck at hunting boats. In modern naval warfare, you hunt boats with missiles, airplanes and submarines.
But then again, as a defeatist lie-beral pacifist, I don’t know doodly squat about modern naval warfare (although that’s still significantly more than Mark Noonan).
Arky4That1 said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:42
Alternate Even Shorter Noonan: I wanna be the peg boy!
And I can’t believe none of you lubbers have linked to this yet:
Men, Men, Men, Men
Men, Men, Men, Men
Men, Men, Men, Men
Men, Men, Men, Men
It’s great to be on a ship with men and sail across the sea-o,
We don’t know where we’ll land or when, but it’s great to be with men
It’s great to be with men
‘Cause men can sweat and men can stink and no one seems to care-o,
We’ll throw the dishes in the sink and clog the drain with hair-o,
(Clog the drain with hair-o)
Men, men, men.
It’s a ship all filled with men.
So batten down the ladies room; there’s no one here but men
Men, Men, Men, Men
Men, Men, Men, Men
There’s men above, there’s men below, there’s men down in the galley,
There’s Butch and Spike And Buzz and Biff
And one guy we call Sally
(And one guy we call Sally)
Men, men, men.
It’s a ship all filled with men.
You’ll never have to lift the seat; there’s no one here but men
Men, Men, Men, Men
Men, Men, Men, Men
We’re men and friends until the end and none of us are sissies,
At night we sleep in separate beds and blow each other kissies
(And blow each other kissies)
Men, men, men.
It’s a ship all filled with men.
So throw your rubbers overboard; there’s no one here but men
Ahhhhhhhhh, Mennnnn.
tigrismus said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:44
didn’t Blackwater just buy a warship?
They just bought an oceanographic survey vessel. Those pirates are going to have the sea floors under them mapped to within an inch of their lives, yo ho!
Simba B said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:49
Oh God, Arky, where is that from?
Principal Blackman said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:51
there has to be someone close to him (a friend, family member, co-worker, etc.), relatively sane, that actually has to listen to ideas like this one directly out of his jiggling jowls, likely bellowed out like grand pronouncements of his obvious genius.
And that person prays for death. Theirs or Noonan’s, doesn’t matter. Either way, its quiet.
Well, like all good wingnuts, Mark professes to have a Black Friend, a Gay Friend, a Muslim Friend, etc. Insofar as these people are real, I imagine they are definitely subject to what you describe (and have the reaction you describe).
protected static said,
November 20, 2008 at 22:52
IIRC, “Men” is by Martin Mull.
actor212 said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:00
They just bought an “oceanographic survey vessel”. *winkwink*
Fixed yer post.
alec said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:07
We’re hunting pirates, who tend to use fishing ships with souped-up outboards with a couple dozen gunmen in them and the occasional RPG. The really fancy ones will have speedboats – but in any case, the objective is a small visual and radar profile and extremely high speed.
No blue-water ship built by a modern navy is significantly smaller than the Perry-class, and to fight pirates with pirates we’d need ships faster and more lightly-armed than what the Coast Guard typically uses. Bear in mind, the Coast Guard is called that for a reason – brown-water ships have a lot of problems on the open sea and aren’t generally provisionable for long range.
Besides all that, bear in mind that most pirates operate from home bases on the Horn of Africa and the Malay Archipelago – areas in which the best the US can hope to do is use allied facilities hundreds of miles away. Noonan is watching a guy tear out of his isolated, nondescript bunker in Guatemala on a Ninja to hit targets of opportunity within a couple hundred yards and thinks an ideal answer is to hand mercenaries operating out of Texas a couple of old MBTs and an exemption to the law and wish them well. It’s insane on so many levels.
Which is why we have a major component of the US navy floating around in the Persian Gulf, just waiting for Bush to jump into war with Iran and get turned into five trillion dollars of scrap metal by a thousand or two coastal anti-ship missiles costing Iran a couple K apiece.
Seriously, I used to think the Navy brass couldn’t be any strategically dumber if it tried. Hearing someone outdo them is depressing in bold, innovative ways.
dAVE said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:08
Given the recent success of the Indian navy, this is the perfect thing to outsource to India.
StringonaStick said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:12
Outsourcing is the perfect market solution! And we’ve already got India handling plenty of US-generated work, so it seems like we can go no-bid on this one.
fauxmaxbaer said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:12
I don’t know, Screamin’ Demon. I kind of like the longer shorters.
Sophist FCD said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:13
I’m sure that these Floating Freikorps sailing the world and dispensing extrajudicial frontier justice will have nothing but positive results.
actor212 said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:15
This may seem like a really dumb question, but it occured to me this morning watching the Today Show:
Why not just set up a frikkin’ blockade of Somalian coastal waters?
Dan Someone said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:15
Not for nothin’, Arky, but PeeJ linked to that one upthread a ways (@21:52).
Still, it bears frequent repeating.
woody, tokin librul said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:19
I’m not a pirate, but I’ve played one in the movies! AND stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, so I can assure you, arming a bunch of redneck assholes and sending them to the Gulf of Aden in decrepit ships, with second-hand arms, and dreams of treasure would be a GREAT way to get rid of any unwanted rednex in your neighborhood.
Murkins think we’re tough, but compared to those Somalis, who grew up with killing as [part of their daily lives, they’re cub scouts. It’d be a (welcome) bloodbath…
PeeJ said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:23
Umm, Arky? See PeeJ @ 21:52. And pay attention next time, damnit!
Anyway, somebody said In modern naval warfare, you hunt boats with missiles, airplanes and submarines.
Yes, that’s true as far as it goes but the salient point is that the real hunting is done with super-amazing fabulously esoteric electronica. And the killing is done from correspondingly great distances. And the area in question is fucking enormous. Like, bigger than the Mediterranean. As in, too fucking big to patrol and intercept even if you had a thousand ships at your disposal.
The point is, trying to overhaul and retrofit any fucking ship and trying to is a dumb dumb dumbdedydumb “idea.” Pathetically stoopid, in fact.
Pere Ubu said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:23
The Spruance-class displaced 8000 tons and had a complement of over 300 men. Fucking insane.
A Perry-class frigate at 4000 tons and almost 200 crew still seems like overkill.
Of course, Noonan is the kind of guy who sees nothing wrong with a $600 billion per year military budget of tanks and bombers and nukular missiles to fight a bunch of scruffy guys with boxcutters. So there’s that.
woody, tokin librul said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:24
By the way, you could probably take whatever Nooner’s got in his multiple chins and float, and arm it, and you’d be seaworthy…
Pere Ubu said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:26
Now that I think about it – WTF happened to “the goverment can’t solve our problems”?
Oh, wait, they can if it involves blowing all kinds of shit up. My bad.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:32
Why not just set up a frikkin’ blockade of Somalian coastal waters?
They are nowhere near Cuba.
Sarcastro said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:36
The ships would be reconditioned Spruance class destroyers (plenty of them in mothballs and with a bit of work they’d easily outmatch anything the pirates could come up with).
And by “plenty” I mean… “one”.
There are actually three inactive Spruances on the Navy list (and one active converted to electronic warfare) but two of those have already been stripped for use as targets. The other one is awaiting sale to a foreign nation.
And jesus christ guys, the Indians showed us how to hunt pirates earlier this week… with helicopter gunships. Duh.
Michael said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:40
Somewhere, William Teach is passed out in a pile of Cheeto dust, sticky kleenex and empty hand lotion bottles.
Smut Clyde said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:40
Spartans? Try-reams? What?
Why not just set up a frikkin’ blockade of Somalian coastal waters?
You could even call it a ship-moat.
and when a ship is retaken from pirates, the prize for the crew would be 50% of the ransom the pirates were asking
I am amusing myself by imagining Noonan’s response if a US freighter were to be seized by pirates, and then seized from them by a shipload of privateers who offered it back to the US shipping company for half the ransom that the original pirates were demanding.
I am easily amused.
El Cid said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:42
My suggestion is that the United States should support the repeated invasion of Somalia such that the central government becomes mostly a fiction, and then when scattered efforts look like they might bring one together, torpedo that too, literally if necessary, so that free market privateers known as pirates can operate freely off Somalian / Horn waters.
Oh, I meant to say that we’ve already done all that.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:47
I’ve got a better idea – why don’t we just nuke these fuckers? We’ve got a general idea of where they’re hiding out, and “close” is certainly good enough when you’re lobbing megatons of nuclear warheads. I mean, what possible implications could there be from randomly dropping nuclear bombs all over the place? None!
Although, my solution to Pirates on Ninjas has the drawback of not utilizing their natural enemies of Zombie Monkey Robots.
Fozzetti said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:50
More likely the vigilante’s would become pirates themselves, only they’d probably attack cruise ships rather than tankers and such. Much safer. And andand… fo FUN!
actor212 said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:51
You could even call it a ship-moat.
Walked right into that one. I have no excuse.
Kathleen said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:53
and to think this guy complains about not being included in GOP strategy sessions.
actor212 said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:53
Look, maybe if we explained all this to the people who owned the ships in terms they’d understand, we could avoid wasting anyone in the hunt.
Piracy is just a hostile takeover without all the messy paperwork.
Indeed, stock markets would clamor for the chance to present derivative securities based on pirate activities, like a futures market, and then next thin you know, we’d be asked to bailout the pirates, and problem solved!
Kathleen said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:54
Dan Someone said,
Everybody knows that to fight pirates, you need to hire ninjas. Duh!
Mark Noonan is not aware of all internet traditions.
Andrew A. Gill, SLS said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:58
I was reading something about this on a blog somewhere or other.
They tried this during WWI and WWII, and it failed spectacularly the first time, though it only failed miserably the second.
Gerald Curl said,
November 20, 2008 at 23:58
I say we liberate U-505 from the Chicago Museum of Science & Industry and let Privateer Noonan captain it in the East African waters. After a couple of days, it will be just like Das Boot, only smellier.
Gundamhead said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:04
Is there ANY problem conservatives won’t solve with paramilitary death squads?
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:04
Thing I don’t get is this – why doesn’t Saudi Arabia just send some escorts with their oil tankers? Seriously, you’re shipping over a hundred million dollars of sweet light crude – fucking send a boat with guns to paddle along-side, or put some guys with machine guns on the deck – or rig your tanker to be able to suppor a couple of helicopters – or anything other than putting a hundred fricking million dollars of oil on a boat guarded by – what a couple dozen tanker crewmen. No fucking wonder it got stolen-ed.
Smut Clyde said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:08
I was reading something about this on a blog somewhere or other.
That would be the Q-ships thread at LGM. But the people there know what they’re talking about, which takes all the fun away.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:10
Increase the rum supply to Somalia and no more problems.
Honus said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:13
Let’s just consider this, and I know it’s a crazy idea, since the reconditioned destroyers would all be manned by semi-tough paramilitary redneck dudes like say, Bob Owens, but what if some of the Somali pirates somehow got the drop on one of these boats and captured it? Then you’d have a bunch of pirates with an 8000-ton boat with rockets and guns and stuff to hunt tankers with…
PeeJ said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:15
Increase the rum supply to Somalia and no more problems.
Brilliant! They’ve already got the sodomy and lash elements pretty well covered.
Orange Tom said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:27
Geez, they’ve got these anti-pirate defenses for small boats (a bit like electric fences) and they can’t do the same doe a big boat? Electrify the frikkin’ boarding ladders!! Fer Khrist’s sake, hire the kid from “Home Alone”.
Upgrayedd said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:28
#
Smut Clyde said,
November 20, 2008 at 21:35
Increased pirate numbers will reverse global warming.
As taught by the followers of his noodly goodness. Temperatures HAVE been unseasonably low in the past week.
Hmmmm…. Maybe it’s time to unleash the midgets, also.
Smut Clyde said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:33
it’s time to unleash the midgets
Best battle-cry EVAH.
Righteous Bubba said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:34
They’ve already got the sodomy and lash elements pretty well covered.
These are for buccaneers of higher asspirations.
PeeJ said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:35
OT – this site claims to analyze a blog and determine its “type.” Of course, I plugged in S,N! By “type”, apparently they mean Meyers-Briggs type. I say apparently becuase I submitted only S,N! and it came back as INTP.
What a hoot. *I* am (an) INTP.
PeeJ said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:41
Aw fuck that after all. America’s Shittiest Website™ came up ISTP or something and pammies train wreck of a cranial epxlosion also came up INTP. I’m no psychologist but I know an ESFJ when I sees one dadgummit!
Gary Ruppert said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:48
The fact is, the media is biased toward the left. Liberals want to make things un-fair by restoring a so-called “fairness doctrine”, the enforces and mandates a liberal-only worldview, like the one taught in public schools. Here in the Heartland, we will not stand it. We have created our own media on the blogs and pay the MSM no mind.
Gary Ruppert said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:49
The fact is, sailors, board me now.
Gary Ruppert said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:52
I’m jist a girl who cain’t say no,
I’m in a turrible fix
I always say “come on, le’s go”
Jist when I orta say nix!
When a person tries to kiss a girl,
I know she orta give his face a smack.
But as soon as someone kisses me,
I somehow, sorta, wanta kiss him back!
I’m jist a fool when lights are low
I cain’t be prissy and quaint
I ain’t the type that can faint
How c’n I be whut I ain’t?
I cain’t say no!
Whut you goin’ to do when a feller gits flirty, and starts to talk purty?
Whut you goin’ to do?
S’posin’ ‘at he says ‘at yer lips’re like cherries, er roses, er berries?
Whut you goin’ to do?
S’posin’ ‘at he says ‘at you’re sweeter ‘n cream,
And he’s gotta have cream er die?
Whut you goin’ to do when he talks that way,
Spit in his eye?
I’m jist a girl who cain’t say no,
Kissin’s my favourite food
with or without the mistletoe
i’m in a holiday mood.
other girls are coy and hard to catch
but other girls aint havin any fun
every time i lose a wrestling math
i have a funny feeling that i won
although i can feel the undertone
i never make a complaint
till its to late for restraint
then when i wanno i caint
i caint say no
J— said,
November 21, 2008 at 0:54
didn’t Blackwater just buy a warship?
The Independent (11/18/08):
Also seeking to establish itself in the floating market off the Horn, Hollowpoint Protective Services, which offers “a comprehensive service of hostage negotiations backed by armed rescue operations if the talks fail.”
What could possibly go wrong?
Pirates vs. mercs! Who’s going to commission open-deck boats with deck chairs and sell ringside seats?
Punks And Gobbers, Oh My said,
November 21, 2008 at 1:01
Let’s just consider this, and I know it’s a crazy idea, since the reconditioned destroyers would all be manned by semi-tough paramilitary redneck dudes like say, Bob Owens, but what if some of the Somali pirates somehow got the drop on one of these boats and captured it?
Worse still… what if the Pirates got into the brig and tipped the ships Grill over? You’d end up with TWO demands for money sent to America then, one from the Pirates for the boat, and one from Bob for a new grill, and we’d be twice as badly off then… so can we really risk it? I think not.
Of course, if it were manned by Mark Noonan himself instead, the pirates would never be able to get his all-American frame off the larger boat, so they’d just end up circling around futilely until he sailed away again and stopped eating all their rations and complaining this African sun made him go lobster red… so this plan may yet work!
J— said,
November 21, 2008 at 1:03
Is Executive Outcomes still around? Or have they been superseded in the Southern African private protection market?
Duros Hussein 62 said,
November 21, 2008 at 1:06
With apologies to our gracious hosts, Sadly, No!
Wait, Pakistan has a Navy?
Duros Hussein 62 said,
November 21, 2008 at 1:12
arming a bunch of redneck assholes and sending them to the Gulf of Aden in decrepit ships, with second-hand arms, and dreams of treasure would be a GREAT way to get rid of any unwanted rednex in your neighborhood.
this looks like a job for…. The Minutemen! Win-win.
alec said,
November 21, 2008 at 1:19
The point is really this: that it’s typical of people like Noonan, when they can be bothered to pay attention to warfare, to obsess over how much displacement or how many troops or how big an array of attached and detachable dicks a ship has. But even if blue-navy warfare weren’t essentially extinct (at some point, the ability to destroy a strategically vital $1,000,000,000,000 floating island with a couple barrels of explosive and a Cessna pilot with a death wish poses certain cost-effectivity problems), this is just not how you do it.
This is what the War Nerd (qv, god damn it) does – gently pays attention to the human, individual, and social aspects of war that no one else does. FWIW, the two great ages of piracy (the second half of the 16th century and the Revolutionary era) corresponded to enormous gluts in human trafficking, leaving a lot of people willing to risk life and limb for the basic freedom present in pirate society.
Between that commonality – after all, Somalia’s population is skyrocketing along with the other Horn states and the Malay Archipelago is even worse – and the fact that both share with the little shipping rocks of the Caribbean an involvement in massive amounts of global trade without actually receiving economic benefits from it, and without an enormous global naval power depending on area security, piracy is a sure thing.
Even ignoring the social factors, though, military answers to piracy are expensive. Its elimination can never be an end in and of itself; it has to be a knock-on effect of a powerful state achieving military dominance of a piracy-vulnerable field. There has to be a geostrategic reason to have PT boats crusing around the Horn, and there just isn’t. Maybe there would have been back in the 90s when al Qaeda was still in its infancy and properly-targeted and well-intelligenced surgical strikes could have done real damage, but hnar hnar wag the dog CLEEEEENIS.
Duros Hussein 62 said,
November 21, 2008 at 1:21
Then you’d have a bunch of pirates with an 8000-ton boat with rockets and guns and stuff to hunt tankers with…
Heh.
Whoops.
Principal Blackman said,
November 21, 2008 at 1:26
that it’s typical of people like Noonan, when they can be bothered to pay attention to warfare, to obsess over how much displacement or how many troops or how big an array of attached and detachable dicks a ship has.
The irony to all this? Noonan is ex-Navy. A big part of his “solution” is justifying his hard-on to go back in time and do it all over again, only with some actual shootin’ this time around.
Smut Clyde said,
November 21, 2008 at 1:35
My research suggests that pirates are all orphaned noblemen who have gone wrong through lack of suitable role-models, and that they can be persuaded to return to a respectable life by appealing to their loyalty to the Queen.
– What, all noblemen?
– Yes, all noblemen!
– What, all?
– Well, nearly all.
papa zita said,
November 21, 2008 at 1:40
What with a bunch of rednecks, heavy weaponry, and no discipline, I have the feeling we’d find the bullet-riddled corpses of a lot of African fishermen. And a lot of high-fiving from the rednecks.
Arky 4 That 1 said,
November 21, 2008 at 4:23
I didn’t want anyone else to fall victim to your RickRoll.
Pfffffttt!
Tehanu said,
November 21, 2008 at 4:24
Is there ANY problem conservatives won’t solve with paramilitary death squads?
No.
And Dragon-King and Arky are now my Pirate Kings! Arrrrr!
Just Alison said,
November 21, 2008 at 4:43
Simba, you wanted Men? Enjoy!
RobW said,
November 21, 2008 at 5:02
Wait, Pakistan has a Navy?
They’ve got about 500 miles of coastline, just outside the Straits of Hormuz, with Iran on one side and India on the other.
So, yes.
henry lewis said,
November 21, 2008 at 5:26
All the best ideas come from adventure novels.
Wikipedia: Travis McGee is a fictional character and detective created by prolific American mystery writer John D. MacDonald. Unlike almost all other detectives from crime fiction, McGee is not a police officer or licensed private investigator. Rather, he is a self-described “salvage consultant” who gets back property for half its estimated value.
Arky 4 That 1 said,
November 21, 2008 at 5:37
And 500 miles of coastline is 99.9% more coastline than the Lithuanian Navy patrols. I think it’s all a thinly veiled excuse to sail north and moon the Finnish.
(Preview is down so I have no idea what my attempt to double block will look like.)
Some Guy said,
November 21, 2008 at 5:39
War nerd senses tingling!
“and gave them a bunch of ’70s era battleships”
The last ‘battleship’ was constructed in the early 50s. Well, I should say commissioned, since most of the actual construction was done before WWII, but had to be halted during the war.
‘Battleship’ is a classification term of a naval vessel of a certain displacement and main armament caliber. A more appropriate term would be ’70s era warship, or combat vessel. I haven’t read the article, I assume he really means destroyers, or possibly a cruiser.
There’s any number of reasons why a non-commissioned supernavy, or privateers, is a supremely bad idea*. Not the least of which is: where are they going to make port? Even if they had the room, I doubt India would be to keen on the idea. South Africa maybe?
*Which is why right wingers are all over it.
J— said,
November 21, 2008 at 5:45
where are they going to make port?
Wherever they choose. They just make port authorities an offer they can’t refuse.
protected static said,
November 21, 2008 at 6:28
I’d think the Pakistanis would be putting most of their effort into mooning the Indians, not the Finns.
Wait. What?
Pastor Stereotype the Locksmith said,
November 21, 2008 at 6:34
not the Finns.
Don’t fuck with the Finns.
Pastor Stereotype the Locksmith said,
November 21, 2008 at 6:34
FYWP.
Pastor Stereotype the Locksmith said,
November 21, 2008 at 6:35
I can’t even FYWP for fuck’s sake.
Batocchio said,
November 21, 2008 at 6:38
It really is amazing he didn’t get hired by the Bush administraton.
Smut Clyde said,
November 21, 2008 at 6:53
Do the Bohemians have a navy, or at least a coast-guard, to go with their sea-coast?
Doctorb said,
November 21, 2008 at 7:40
Is it me or does “to deposit captured pirates for a bit of rough and ready justice” sound just a little like something Noonan, er, typed one-handed?
Arr.
Also, probably one reason there’s all this piracy is that it’s still relatively cheap to get an insurance policy against having your ship and crew held for ransom. And, of course, that a daring and exciting rescue mission generally is a bad idea if you have the option of, you know, having the insurance company cough up the cash.
Actually now that I think of it, it might be easier and more effective to do a “tactical insertion” or whatever penisy-sounding thing they call it, rather than trying to get an insurance company to actually honor a claim.
But really the only people to whom it would make sense financially to have mercenaries or privateers or security consultants doing a rescue would be the insurers themselves, and they would rapidly find themselves out of business I think.
anthony said,
November 21, 2008 at 7:56
They could use the Royal Australian Navy’s ships while it’ s on its two month christmas vacation.
A bit of timeshare maybe – do these guys have ski lodges?
Brian X said,
November 21, 2008 at 8:57
You know, I’m not even 100% sure this is the USA’s problem. Shouldn’t India be taking point on this, maybe Yemen or South Africa? They all have navies, don’t they?
Kilo said,
November 21, 2008 at 9:30
How you gonna write a post like that and leave out Cap’n Ed’s picture ?
Ruthie said,
November 21, 2008 at 9:34
I proposed a “Kill a brown person Vacation Cruise”.
The concept here is you outfit one of those small “adventure cruise” ships with some armor and firing positions. You make a bunch of rednecks pay you a hundred grand for a three week cruise. You just loiter off Somalia waiting for the pirates to attack. When they do, you issue the rednecks M14s or, for a higher fee, Barrett .50s. Let’s rock n roll.
In very short order, the pirates would become much more circumspect and you’d make millions in no time.
mikey
Let the networks bid for the weekly television rights for this “reality TV” concept, and we may be well on our way to paying for the bank bailout!
Kilo said,
November 21, 2008 at 9:55
Let the networks bid for the weekly television rights for this “reality TV” concept, and we may be well on our way to paying for the bank bailout!
We already have have that TV show in Oz. Seriously, it’s called Border Patrol or something.
Enough of this Indian navy, minuteman cruises crap already, has nobody looked into whether some ninjas are available ? You pass up this opportunity the internet is never gonna forgive you.
Smgumby said,
November 21, 2008 at 13:32
Damnit Brad.
I am usually so good about not clicking the dang links. You read this crap so I DON’T have to.
But every once in a while, the “shorter” is so damn over-the-top I literally MUST see it myself to believe it…
…and then spend a week trying to devise a non-fatal way of bleaching the stain from my brain.
dave said,
November 21, 2008 at 16:02
When Ragnar Danneskjold was into this piratin’ racket, he was a Randian hero.
actor212 said,
November 21, 2008 at 17:32
And 500 miles of coastline is 99.9% more coastline than the Lithuanian Navy patrols. I think it’s all a thinly veiled excuse to sail north and moon the Finnish.
Hey, it’s not our fault we had better goaltending in the last Olympics…
actor212 said,
November 21, 2008 at 17:33
Don’t fuck with the Finns.
Yea! Or we’ll take our Nokias back and go heume…
The Hammer said,
November 23, 2008 at 11:16
I want to know what Noonan does for a living and how little he achieves at work each day.
Jay in Oregon said,
April 15, 2009 at 18:07
Then you’d have a bunch of pirates with an 8000-ton boat with rockets and guns and stuff to hunt tankers with…
Repeat after me: “No one could have predicted…”