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Nov
6

Puerile Pseudo-Pundit Pisses, Poops Pants




Posted at 17:45 by Tintin
ABOVE: Ben Shapiro models active
wear

America’s Worst Former Law Firm Associate™, formerly known as America’s Worst Law Student™ and otherwise known as Ben Shapiro, has lots of time on his hands now, so he has very graciously taken the time to give us the word on why Barack Obama was elected:

The Great Election of 2008 is over. Barack Obama is the 44th President of the United States. Now is the time to ask what this election was about.

Here’s what this election was (set ital)[sic] not (end ital)[sic] about: Barack Obama.

What, then, was the election actually about? Basement mold? Late-onset acne? Boner pills? Cheeto breath? Apparently, yes.

This election was about one thing and one thing only: Americans’ puerile need for unity through self-congratulatory, cathartic membership in a broad, transformative political movement.

Ben uses this elitist, arugula-infused vocabulary to convince you that, although it’s only been a couple of years since his mom caught him wanking in the upstairs bathroom, he’s not himself “puerile” but “manly, mature and wise.” (Of course, don’t ask Ben to explain why this “need for unity” doesn’t just as accurately describe all those wingnuts who are card-carrying members of the Holy and Blessed Church of Saint Ronnie, Champion of Free Markets, Comforter of the Wealthy, Vanquisher of Commie Rat Bastards, and Defender of Unborn Zygotes.)

[Obama] embodied the need of the American public for unity by hearkening back to the ultimate unifying feature of American life: third-grade slogans. He spouted Hope and Change. He told us, “We’re All Americans.” He told us, “Yes, We Can.”

Although Ben obviously has a vivid memory of his relatively recent experiences in the third grade, he appears to have forgotten, say, the third-grade slogans of St. Ronnie and St. Nancy: “Morning in America,” “Just Say No,” “Thousand Points of Light,” “City on a Hill,” “Bring Down This Wall,” and “Facts Are Stupid Things.”

[Obama] spouted Hope and Change. He told us, “We’re All Americans.” He told us, “Yes, We Can.” From any other politician, it would be ridiculous drivel. From a black candidate, it was inspiring.

I mean, we were expecting him to say “We Is All Americans” or “Yes, We Be” or “A Fried Chicken in Every Bucket and A Pimped-Out Hummer For Every Crib.”

They implied that if we voted against him, we were engaging in racial hatred; some supporters even implied America would undergo a race war if he lost. That’s the last thing we wanted.

Ben seems to have slipped off message here. Just a few paragraphs before we were voting for Barack because of a “puerile need” for unity. Now, it seems we’re voting for Obama to avoid seeing our white women raped in our own front yards by big black bucks with the sweat on their naked backs glistening in the light of our flame-engulfed homes. You just knew that, sooner or later, Ben was going to have to go there, didn’t you?

116 Comments »

  1. actor212 said,

    November 6, 2008 at 17:51

    This election was about one thing and one thing only: Americans’ puerile need for unity through self-congratulatory, cathartic membership in a broad, transformative political movement.

    Yea, cuz nothing says “immature” like intelligent discussion and resolution of differences.

  2. The Goddamn Batman Would Hang This Assclown From The Highest Gargoyle On Gotham's Rooftops By The Waistband Of His Tighty-Whities, Given Half A Chance said,

    November 6, 2008 at 17:54

    Shorter Ben Shapiro: I just don’t get why that Negro is so popular and I’m not.

  3. javafascist said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:05

    So, I didn’t vote for Obama because he better articulated and explained his plans for America (compare and contrast websites of major candidates) but rather because I was afraid of a race war and I wanted to feel a kumbaya moment. Good to know. Thanks Ben. I was under the impression I was an adult and actually had made a considered and logical choice. How wrong I was!

    I can haz cheezburger nai?

  4. Jon Coit said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:05

    We didn’t *want* a race war, but it was being *forced* upon us. Damn those uppity negroes!

    Aah. This only gets sweeter. I think that’s milk I’m laughing through my nose.

  5. El Cid said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:07

    I think “Thousand Pointless Whites” was Bush Sr. trying to launch his version of ‘compassionate conservatism,’ called the “kindler, gentler society,” which was of course angrily mocked by TruConservatives when Bush Sr. lost.

    But then, TruConservatives are an odd lot, given that they praise any successful right wing hack as a TruConservative, and then when his policies logically create a sh*tty life for the constituents and they lose popularity or elections, the same people and policies are no longer TruConservative.

    Bush Jr. was the living reincarnation of Ronald Reagan from 2001 to 2004 for the right wing, and they praised him unceasingly as such. Then when his numbers hit the toilet for minor setbacks totally not his fault (drowned old peoples’ corpses rotting in the streets of New Orleans ’cause he gave FEMA to a failed judge of a horse association), and Republicans got their a**es handed to them in 2006, suddenly Mr. Glorious Sun King Ronald Reagan Earth Liberator Unitarded Executrix And President Forever George W. Bush Jr. was no longer a TruConservativ.

  6. Leon Trotsky, Exile-in-Mexico said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:09

    some supporters even implied America would undergo a race war if he lost.

    Some supporters of who said that?

  7. Ginger Yellow said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:10

    “some supporters even implied America would undergo a race war if he lost”

    Uh, Ben, I think you’ll find the people predicting a race war were not Obama supporters.

  8. actor212 said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:11

    Uh, Ben, I think you’ll find the people predicting a race war were not Obama supporters.

    Shhhhhhhhhhhhh. We have to work him into reality gently.

  9. Dreamweasel said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:14

    Note: The people who tell us that Just Because America Voted for Obama Doesn’t Mean That America Actually Wants Obama to Do Anything are the natural descendents of the people who have insisted for 45 years that If You Listened To It On the Radio, Nixon Won That Debate With Kennedy.

  10. Arky4That1 said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:14

    Shorter Benny the Brow: Waaaaah! Affirmative Action!

  11. NobodySpecial said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:18

    Wow, that’s some nice writing, Ben. Where’d ya steal it from?

  12. Chief Editor Korir-bot said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:18

    we we’re

    As editor of the prestigious API (Michelle Obama tape coming Real Soon Now), I would like to throw all dirt onto your typographical error.

  13. D.N. Nation said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:20

    He told us, “We’re All Americans.”

    Yeah! What a chump, that Obama.

  14. Pere Ubu said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:22

    some supporters even implied America would undergo a race war if he lost.

    Hey, didn’t “The Truth” predict that?

    Wow. Didn’t know he was a secret Obama supporter.

    I hereby vote we just call him “Pravda” from now on. After all, like the Soviet version, he has none and just follows the Party line.

  15. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:24

    (set ital)not(end ital) about: Barack Obama

    The married (so don’t call him Virgin) Ben Shapiro is exactly right. Why I recall with quite fond memories this elecetion season. No one was talking about Barack Obama. Here’s some proof:
    http://www.sadlyno.com/archives/10205.html
    http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/07/29/obama.referendum/index.html
    http://www.voanews.com/english/archive/2008-08/2008-08-28-voa61.cfm?CFID=61597869&CFTOKEN=96372892

    Oh wait, those are LIE-beral revisionist history sites. Let’s try that again:
    It has been argued that this election is a referendum on Obama, and I largely concur.
    Unconventional in many ways, this campaign has become a referendum on Obama’s readiness to serve rather than a judgment on McCain after eight years of GOP rule under Bush.
    Every voter asks himself one question before he or she casts a ballot: Do I want to vote for Obama? His uniqueness, charisma and assertive program have so dominated the dialogue that the election is now a referendum on Obama.

    Or we could look here and see how many times Obama’s name appears in Ben’s work (seventeen titles this year) versus say McCain (3) or Iraq (1) or “economy” (zero).

  16. Badger3k said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:26

    Virgin Ben just needs to get laid. And not by a relative (the weapon of choice for welfare wingnuts, from what I hear)

  17. Doug Watts said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:33

    Ben is actually being honest. He cannot imagine how one can select a candidate based on any other factor besides total, absolute existential fear of everything. Especially darkies.

  18. actor212 said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:34

    hereby vote we just call him “Pravda” from now on.

    That’s a keeper.

  19. Marco said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:36

    I want to be Ben’s first, I am sure if I brushed by him at just the right angle in the bathroom during the next CPAC, it would do the job.

  20. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:36

    Virgin Ben just needs to get laid.

    And just immediately after I pointed out that he’s now “The married (so don’t call him Virgin) Ben Shapiro”.

    Anyways, more left-wing commentary calling the election “a referendum on Barack Obama”:
    http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/home/daily/site_061708/content/01125114.guest.html

    …but this is why I say, Chris, that this election is a referendum on Obama. This is going to be an up or down on Obama. It will be, for the vast majority of people voting here. And they’re going to say, “Do I want this country led by Obama?”

    Apparently the country said “HELLS YEAH, GIMME SUMMA DAT OBAMA-LAMA-DING-DONG!”

  21. Ben Shapiro said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:36

    Say, can you come in here and bust up this chifforobe?

  22. Az said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:49

    Don’t go on patting yourselves on your collective back Sadlynuts . The race war has started -

    http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2008/11/06/black_church_in_springfield_burns/?s_campaign=8315

    Oh , seems that it was a black church that was burnt . Never mind .

  23. Pere Ubu said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:52

    Say, can you come in here and bust up this chifforobe?

    Gee, Ben, I thought “garderobe” is where you lived.

  24. PeeJ said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:54

    I’m very sorry I didn’t see any of these until today. The whole gallery is pretty good.

  25. GSD said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:54

    Red Rump, Red Rump, Red Rump……

  26. Joe Max said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:54

    Well, Clif, it’s two – two – two tropes in one – this election was about one thing and one thing only: Americans’ puerile need for unity through seeing our white women raped in our own front yards by big black bucks with the sweat on their naked backs glistening in the light of our flame-engulfed homes.

    His mind slid away into the labyrinthine world of doublethink. To know and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully-constructed lies, to hold simultaneously two opinions which cancelled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them; to use logic against logic, to repudiate morality while laying claim to it, to believe that democracy was impossible and that the Party was the guardian of democracy; to forget whatever it was necessary to forget, then to draw it back at the moment when it was needed, and then promptly to forget it again: and above all, to apply the same process to the process itself. That was the ultimate subtlety: consciously to induce unconsciousness, and then, once again, to become unconscious of the act of hypnosis you had just performed. Even to understand the word ‘doublethink’ involved using doublethink. – George Orwell, 1984

  27. Major Woody said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:02

    Duh! The election was about surrendering oour country to our Islamic masters, Ben.

  28. Me said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:04

    Remember–it’s all projection with them. Always. The Dems have elected a young, smart, center-left Ronald Reagan. That’s really what’s pissing them off.

  29. J.R. Labrador said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:04

    I can’t wait until Benny Boy runs for city council on a ’smug, little pissant’ platform.

  30. Pere Ubu said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:05

    Duh! The election was about surrendering oour country to our Islamic masters, Ben.

    And here I thought it was a heartwarming holiday story about the tender love that only exists between a man and a woman.

  31. PeeJ said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:05

    Ann Coulter, in that way only she can, supplies a different um, perspective on the election:

    The big loser of this election is Colin Powell, whose last-minute endorsement of Obama put the Illinois senator over the top. Powell was probably at home last night, yelling at his TV, “Are you KIDDING me? That endorsement was sarcastic!”

    So Powell is to blame for President B. Hussein Obama. swear, that woman’s insight is incredible. Literally.

  32. jim said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:08

    Oh you puerile, self-congratulatory Americans, electing someone who ran on actual ISSUES instead of taking the wise, mature route by smearing the hell out of the other guy from start to finish!

    See, I wrote that as parody – then I started reading Shapiro’s sludge & hey presto – there it is:

    Hostile politics — hard-fought political conflict over the issues that matter — is not a bad thing. It is precisely the sort of messy republicanism the founders embraced. Early elections were replete with mudslinging, character assassination, brawls and scandals. They were also replete with some of the most substantive debate on policy ever put before mankind.

    That sure is a shitload of repleteness you guys had going on there … so, it seems little Benji thinks ratfucks & WWF-style politics is a good thing? Someone should put him right smack-dab in the middle of one of those REAL brawls that go on in the South Korean parliament sometime, & see if his “wise mature opinion” survives for five seconds.

    Oh, & the founders didn’t “embrace” that garbage – they despised it. The majority of them surely lamented the degeneracy of early 19th-century politics, as vividly described by Alexis de Tocqueville. A lot of them were old-school gentlemen who modelled themselves after Euro nobility, a notoriously effete bunch who prided themselves on their civility & chivalry – not really paragons of mudslinging.

  33. Pere Ubu said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:10

    Oh, my!

    Over at FAUX News.com:

    Al Franken: pinhead or patriot?

    GAWRSH, I just can’t think of what their reaction would possibly be!

  34. PeeJ said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:11

    Wow. If only we had known he’s not black after all, the whole race issue would have been avoided. Huh? Oh, Silvio Berlusconi says

    “I will try to help relations between Russia and the United States where a new generation has come to power, and I don’t see problems for Medvedev to establish good relations with Obama who is also handsome, young and suntanned,” he said.

  35. Michael G. said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:13

    “And here I thought it was a heartwarming holiday story about the tender love that only exists between a man and a woman.”

    …and a goat, and a zucchini, and a muppet.

    It’s a big bed, and there’s a lot of love.

  36. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:15

    Is Reply #2 a great piece of snark-asm or an honest comment at Shapiro’s thread? You decide:

    The Shapiro response is that we really don’t know Obama and his leftist illuminati ideals. But we will find out. Believe you me, we’ll find out soon enough. And it won’t be pretty.

  37. PeeJ said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:19

    Oh, & the founders didn’t “embrace” that garbage – they despised it.[...]

    Not to mention that it was deemed unseemly to actually campaign.
    From Hernson’s Guide To Political Campaigns In America

    Back in 1816, when John Quincy Adams first used the term campaign to describe one of his political efforts, it was considered unseemly for potential officeholders to solicit votes directly from the people. Although political campaigns, by their simplest definition, remain endeav¬ors to collect enough votes to win an election, their shape and conduct have changed significantly over the political life of the nation.

    [emphasis added]

  38. Ben Shapiro said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:20

    The election was about sex.

  39. tigrismus said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:23

    Although Ben obviously has a vivid memory of his relatively recent experiences in the third grade, he appears to have forgotten, say, the third-grade slogans of St. Ronnie and St. Nancy

    Drill, baby, drill!

    They implied that if we voted against him, we were engaging in racial hatred;

    “They” apparently imply a lot of stupid stuff, yet links to these implications are strangely lacking.

    Say, can you come in here and bust up this chifforobe?

    Best comment ever?

  40. JF Sebastian said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:23

    unity through self-congratulatory, cathartic membership in a broad, transformative political movement.

    As opposed to “disarray through self-hating repressed disunity in a narrow unchanging impolitic stasis”?

    Sounds about right.

  41. Coach Urban Meyer said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:27

    Ding dong dilly, libs! Looks like Boss Ben served up a SPREAD of TRUTH that you just couldn’t stomach! The Cool Coach knows why, too- your guts are full of socialist silliness with no room for anything else!

    You better believe that Super Sarah, the Power Palin, has you loony lefties running for cover. We can’t wait for 2012, when the Obummer’s failure will finally be understood by all!

    Badoodle-boo-yeah! You just got served a SPREAD of ACTUAL VICTORY, libs! Urban out.

  42. JK47 said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:27

    Rev. Wright + ACORN + Aunt Zeituni + Arugula + Bitter/Cling + Muslim + Socialist + Coal + Community Organizer + Rezko + Ayers + Ashley Todd + “Whitey” tape = 174 Electoral Votes.

    Best election EVAR!!11!11!!1

  43. actor212 said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:29

    Dude, seriously, please find a new act for four years or we’ll put you in a re-education camp.

  44. actor212 said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:30

    Say, can you come in here and bust up this chifforobe?

    Which one? The one at the top of the stairs by the Tudor balustrade?

  45. Satch said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:31

    Man, I’ve been waiting eight years for this:

    Hey, Ben? GET OVER IT.

  46. tigrismus said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:31

    Ann Coulter, in that way only she can, supplies a different um, perspective on the election:

    The big loser of this election is Colin Powell, whose last-minute endorsement of Obama put the Illinois senator over the top. Powell was probably at home last night, yelling at his TV, “Are you KIDDING me? That endorsement was sarcastic!”

    Hey, maybe Ann should be put in charge of the Leper Colony; she’s clearly someone who knows a lot about purging.

  47. kg said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:38

    god I love this place

  48. Pere Ubu said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:40

    Badoodle-boo-yeah! You just got served a SPREAD of ACTUAL VICTORY, libs! Urban out.

    “H.L. PUTTIGRASS OFF TO TAKE A BATH!”

  49. PeeJ said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:48

    It keeps getting better. Smith is out, Merkley is in. And, NC goes to Obama. EV total 364.

    Suck it, whingers.

  50. PeeJ said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:53

    Video from Palin’s science advisor.

  51. Marco said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:56

    Someone married Ben? Now Barack’s win is th 2nd most unbelievable event of the year.

  52. Gary Ruppert said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:56

    The fact is, you liberals will be begging a Heartland hero to come back and save this country once the socalist Obama installs socalism that will bring this nation to ruin.

  53. Righteous Bubba said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:56

    a SPREAD of ACTUAL VICTORY

    I am angry that I have been hornswoggled by this FALSE victory!

  54. Michael G. said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:56

    The NC and VA changes are big news. I think the growth of Atlanta will gradually move GA to the left too. Once that happens, all of “the originals” will be blue, unless you could South Carolina. But South Carolina never counts.

  55. Michael G. said,

    November 6, 2008 at 19:59

    Gary — The real heartland, full of Real Americans, is in the blue states. We also like to call it the “Brainland.” Also, bring on the socialism.

  56. SowellFan said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:04

    I am not surprised that liberals are gloating this morning and others about Obama winning the Presidency because he spent more money and should have won by a lot more if he wasn’t such an empty suit. Get your laughs now, liberals, because the joke will be on you once socialism fails in America who will deny it to happen. If you understood economic Law you’d understand this but you don’t.

  57. OneMadClown said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:07

    And just immediately after I pointed out that he’s now “The married (so don’t call him Virgin) Ben Shapiro”.

    I hate to quibble with the All-Knowing Dragon-King of Bhutan, but being married does not guarantee that young Ben hath been deflowered.
    His writing and pics have always exuded an aura of finding girls distinctly…icky.

  58. kiki said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:10

    I’m sure it’s already been done, but I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the wingnuts for the vital role they played in Obama’s victory.

    Thank you, wingnuts. Thank you for showing Undecided America the true, repulsive face of modern American ‘conservatism’. Thank you for your unbridled racism and laughable, flailing paranoia. Thank you for making asses of yourselves, and your party, again and again, even as the country stared at you with a dumbfounded, “what the fuck is wrong with these people” look on its face. Thank you for making ‘Republican’ a dirty word again, as it deserves to be.

    Thank you for turning the razor-sharp minds at the McCain campaign and Fox News onto Bill Ayers and ACORN and all the other retarded smears du jour that blew up in your faces. And let’s raise a glass to the ones that never had time to make it, like the birth certificate ‘controversy’, the hypnotism and the Malcolm X thing; if only these stories had been given a chance, Obama’s lead could’ve been even bigger.

    And yes, even the pissy, insignificant message board trolls have played their part, acting as a shrieking, whack-a-doo anti-advertisment for McCain to anyone who happens to wander by a forum infected with their shit. We couldn’t have come up with a better psyop if we tried. (Indeed, this may have been the intention of many a fake troll – but where would they be without the originals to inspire them?)

    Just imagine if, six years ago, someone had said, “You Republicans are going to fuck this up so badly that in 2008 the Democrats will be able to run a black candidate whose name sounds like ‘Black Hussein Osama’, and he’ll still kick your asses.” Well, it came true. And it’s all thanks to YOU.

    Thank you, Michelle. Thank you, Pammy. Thank you, Ace. Thank you, Rush and Sean and BillO.

    This could never have happened without you.

  59. Sockpuppet #47 said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:13

    Have a little patience with Ben. He has only been married a few months, and he is having trouble with the mechanics of… you know what.

    All his father told him was “the man goes on top, and the woman underneath”

    So he bought a bunk bed.

  60. OneMadClown said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:14

    Gary and the Coach are going to be our most beloved, mascot-like inmates in the Heartland Karl Marx Memorial Re-education Camp for Hope and Change.
    The guards’ll call them over, tousle their hair playfully, and ask them to do some schtick — “the fact is! the fact is!”, “ding-dong-dilly!!!” — for which they’ll be rewarded with hearty laughs and extra Cheetos.

  61. tigrismus said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:16

    The fact is, you liberals will be begging a Heartland hero to come back and save this country once the socalist Obama installs socalism that will bring this nation to ruin.

    That’s right, mofos; cheetos and red bull are not going to consume themselves and won’t YOU be sorry when you have to wend your ways through the resulting mountains of cases to get to the clinics for your mandatory gaybortions?

  62. par4 said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:16

    Why does everybody leave out St.Ronnies’ liberation of Grenada when citing his many accomplishments?

  63. dan b said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:21

    H.L. PUTTIGRASS OFF TO TAKE A BATH!

    Brilliant reference.

  64. JK47 said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:24

    Very well said, kiki.

    Now all of these great patriots are telling us “I can’t wait to laugh in your face when America crashes and burns…” Actually, fucktards, that’s exactly what we’re doing RIGHT NOW. We’re laughing in your pathetic pasty faces, because just like we said, your musty, extinct ideology has been decisively repudiated. In the last two years, you fools have lost the White House, (at least) twelve Senate seats, and 50+ seats in the House. Your great war hero and his bimbo running mate flipped ZERO blue states and lost NINE red states. Now your pathetic party has the knives out and is organizing a predictable circular firing squad.

    No, it is US who will be laughing at YOU for quite some time.

  65. noen said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:24

    Badoodle-boo-yeah! You just got served a SPREAD of ACTUAL VICTORY, libs! Urban out.

    Is that what they’re calling it now? I think coach urban has been spending a little too much time at the bathhouse.

  66. Xecky Gilchrist said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:32

    Ben, guys like you are in what we call the wingnut community, which I define as people who believe that solutions emerge from your pathetic whining about liberals. That’s not the way the world really works anymore. We’re a democracy now, and when we vote, liberals win. And while you’re whining about that — pathetically, as you will — we’ll vote again, putting in office more liberals, which you whine about too, and that’s how things will sort out. We’re the majority . . . and you, all of you, will be left to just whine about what we do.

  67. Tone in DC said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:38

    “Bust up this chifforobe???”
    EGAD.
    … that is, like, unconstitutional or something.

  68. cosmosis said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:41

    Has Ruppert gotten his orders to report to the gay marriage socialism reeducation camp yet?

  69. cur said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:43

    Ben is so pre 11-4.

    After 11-4 everything is different. One can not look at the world through pre 11-4 glasses any more, for it just will not make sense to them.

  70. kiki said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:43

    I need a Heartland Hero!
    I’m holdin’ out for a Heartland Hero ’til the end of the night
    He’s gotta be fat
    And he’s gotta be white
    And not what you’d call terribly bright

  71. Pere Ubu said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:43

    Get your laughs now, liberals, because the joke will be on you once socialism fails in America who will deny it to happen.

    Pastor Swank? Is that you again?

  72. Doug Watts said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:45

    OT… anonymous wingnut at http://www.americasright.com:

    I am wondering if we can contact the electors in the electoral college and ask them to either join the Berg lawsuit, or start one of there own? Do they have a better standing legally then we the people do?

    I realize that I must sound like a sore loser – but I don’t want to take a chance with our Country and not fight!

    Heh.

  73. Nim, ham hock of liberty said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:46

    One of the things I appreciate about the mouth-breathers is that they’re not crafty enough to realize that reporters, sometimes, report the things you say to them:

    Local shop flies American flag upside down
    Hampel’s employees call it a signal of ‘distress’
    By SHERI McWHIRTER
    smcwhirter@record-eagle.com

    TRAVERSE CITY — Not everyone is excited about the nation’s first black president. Some are downright hostile.

    Employees at Hampel’s Key and Lockshop on Randolph Street in Traverse City flew an American flag upside down Wednesday in protest of Sen. Barack Obama’s victory in the presidential election.

    And one employee directed a racial slur at Obama during a telephone interview with a Record-Eagle reporter.

    “(The inverted flag is) an international signal for distress and we feel our country is in distress because the n—– got in,” said Hampel’s employee Rod Nyland

    An hour later, he called the newspaper to apologize, and his boss said that he doesn’t speak for them. The flag is upside down because of concern for Obama’s lack of executive experience, you see.

  74. alec said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:48

    I hereby vote we just call him “Pravda” from now on. After all, like the Soviet version, he has none and just follows the Party line.

    I’ve been doing this for weeks, actually – he seems to like googling his own name on Sadly as a way to insert himself into the conversation.

  75. Galactic Dustbin said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:51

    “some supporters even implied America would undergo a race war if he lost”

    nice straw man you got there Virgin Ben. The only ’supporters’ saying that was the Palin Troopers of the Right.

  76. Xecky Gilchrist said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:52

    The flag is upside down because of concern for Obama’s lack of executive experience, you see.

    I remember people flying the flag upside-down early in Bush’s first term – I don’t remember if it was post-9/11 or not. They ended up getting the usual torrent of death threats – I’m guessing that these bumpkins will get off lighter.

  77. Turbine Yukon Palin said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:53

    Yes, YES, YES!!!!! This is the schadenfreude I was missing yesterday!

    It will be interesting, and entertaining, to see who, if anyone, learns from this election. Circular firing squads aplenty!!!!!!

  78. alec said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:53

    Drill, baby, drill!

    Can anyone confirm whether the Palindrones actually chanted “bless your heart!” and so on during various rallies? This has, any which way, been an excellent election for chanting and booing.

  79. Bitter Scribe said,

    November 6, 2008 at 21:00

    For an unhinged rant from the other end of the wingnut age spectrum, check out this diatribe from Chicago conservative blowhard Tom Roeser. It’s all the fault of that damn rock’n'roll!

  80. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    November 6, 2008 at 21:06

    The flag is upside down because of concern for Obama’s lack of executive experience, you see.

    The sheriff is not experienced in executive matters!

    Man these euphemistic code words are getting pretty darn complicated.

  81. tigrismus said,

    November 6, 2008 at 21:06

    Employees at Hampel’s Key and Lockshop on Randolph Street in Traverse City flew an American flag upside down Wednesday in protest of Sen. Barack Obama’s victory in the presidential election.

    I thought righties claimed that was defiling the flag and traitorously anti-American? Google also seems to think that was a common opinion. Yet another example of IOKIYAAR, I suppose.

  82. Pere Ubu said,

    November 6, 2008 at 21:10

    Let’s go down to Traverse City
    where life is cheap and wingnuttia’s free

  83. Smut Clyde said,

    November 6, 2008 at 21:11

    Rather than a chifferobe, the item of furniture I associate with young Ben is…

    ...a huge maroon armoire, in Chinese lacquer; its double doors are slightly ajar... The jaunty background
    MUSIC is growing even louder: Fats Waller singing "Bye Bye Baby." And now we hear something else, too - the rapid CLICKING of a sewing machine...
    DR. LECTER (V.O.)
    Study their drawings, especially. Ben's house drawings will show no
    happy future... No baby carriage, out in the yard. No pets, no toys, no flowers, no sun...

  84. Duros Hussein 62 said,

    November 6, 2008 at 21:16

    Now is the time to ask what this election was about.

    What?! Now is the time? Will you always be on the wrong side of history or what?

  85. chocolatepie said,

    November 6, 2008 at 21:24

    I know why I voted for him: as an only child with broke parents rapidly approaching retirement age, perhaps our only hope is to move to one of Comrade Obama’s Super Fantastic Collective Farm Parks.

    If he’s not ACTUALLY a socialist, then I am fucking screwed.

  86. chocolatepie said,

    November 6, 2008 at 21:30

    Ben is so pre 11-4.

    After 11-4 everything is different. One can not look at the world through pre 11-4 glasses any more, for it just will not make sense to them.

    I can has Giuliani equivalent?

  87. MTS said,

    November 6, 2008 at 21:32

    And according to Thomas Sowell, I, a middle-aged white college professor with a comfortable income, voted for Obama because of a need for forgiveness for past racism (he actually put it a little more eloquently than that, but that was the gist of it). That I voted for Obama because his ideas and policies are closer to the way the I would like to see the country go (MUCH closer, in fact) than those of his opponent, never seems to have crossed his–or any other conservative’s–mind. This is actually why I vote for anyone in any election. If a black candidate with McCain’s ideas and policies were running against a white candidate with Obama’s, I would vote for the white guy without a moment’s hesitation. That Obama is, in fact, African-American, is lagniappe for me–a great thing and a great moment in our history, but not really why I voted for him.

  88. Dreamweasel said,

    November 6, 2008 at 21:44

    If a black candidate with McCain’s ideas and policies were running against a white candidate with Obama’s, I would vote for the white guy without a moment’s hesitation. That Obama is, in fact, African-American, is lagniappe for me–a great thing and a great moment in our history, but not really why I voted for him.

    Thank you for listening to today’s episode of: Things People Say That Wingnuts Are Genetically Incapable Of Hearing.

  89. Dreamweasel said,

    November 6, 2008 at 21:45

    (I’d file that next to “Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11″ and “Bill Ayers is not running for President”.)

  90. Smut Clyde said,

    November 6, 2008 at 21:50

    Dear Ben Shapiro,
    It has been brought to my attention that you have been bad-mouthing America. Words like “puerile need for unity” were mentioned in this connection. Please remember that for non-US foreigners like myself, suffering as we are under the knout of socialist oppression, bad-mouthing America in the comment threads of S,N! is one of our few remaining sources of satisfaction. And now you are stealing it from us. For shame, Mr Shapiro. If you persist in pre-empting our anti-US tirades, we will be… um… miffed.
    You wouldn’t like us when we’re miffed.

  91. Galactic Dustbin said,

    November 6, 2008 at 21:52

    Ben. America. Love it or leave it!

    Heh, always wanted to say that to a wingnut.

  92. RUGGED IN MONTANA said,

    November 6, 2008 at 22:07

    Oblammo pals around with terraists. Rahm Emmanuel is a mean partisan. We conservatives knew he was gonna want to use money to do all kinds of crazy stuff, so we used it all up before he got there. You lost, DEMONcraps, GET OVER IT!!!

  93. Lolly said,

    November 6, 2008 at 22:20

    #

    Ben Shapiro said,

    November 6, 2008 at 18:36

    Say, can you come in here and bust up this chifforobe?

    Nah, Ben’s too cheap to buy all the kiddies an ice cream first.

  94. MzNicky said,

    November 6, 2008 at 22:23

    “Bust up this chifforobe???”

    People, please! Don’t tell me it’s been THAT long since you last read To Kill A Mockingbird.

  95. MzNicky said,

    November 6, 2008 at 22:25

    After 11-4 everything is different. One can not look at the world through pre 11-4 glasses any more, for it just will not make sense to them.

    Heh! Nice.

  96. Lolly said,

    November 6, 2008 at 22:29

    People, please! Don’t tell me it’s been THAT long since you last read To Kill A Mockingbird.

    Well, ice cream certainly cost more than a nickel a cone since I last read it.

    But even at a nickel, Ben would’ve been too cheap.

  97. Matt T. said,

    November 6, 2008 at 22:30

    kiki said,

    November 6, 2008 at 20:43
    I need a Heartland Hero!
    I’m holdin’ out for a Heartland Hero ’til the end of the night
    He’s gotta be fat
    And he’s gotta be white
    And not what you’d call terribly bright

    That’s awesome. Marry me and we’ll make babies to abort.

  98. actor212 said,

    November 6, 2008 at 22:40

    The fact is, you liberals will be begging a Heartland hero to come back and save this country

    Illinois ain’t the heartland????

  99. actor212 said,

    November 6, 2008 at 22:43

    Let’s go down to Traverse City
    where life is cheap and wingnuttia’s free

    Hm.

    I was going to change the lyrics, but given Wingnut Welfare…

    Just an urchin livin’ under the street
    I’m a hard case that’s tough to beat
    I’m your charity case
    So by me somethin’ to eat
    I’ll pay you at another time
    Take it to the end of the line

  100. Smut Clyde said,

    November 6, 2008 at 22:57

    And while you’re whining about that — pathetically, as you will — we’ll vote again, putting in office more liberals, which you whine about too, and that’s how things will sort out.
    This also deserves a “Heh! Nice”.

  101. Fats Durston said,

    November 6, 2008 at 23:23

    After 11-4 everything is different.

    Post 11-4 lard will be at a premium.

  102. Fluffybunnyfeet said,

    November 7, 2008 at 0:03

    Damn fine pitcher, Clif.

    Bet that blue goes down to his balls…

  103. Ned Hades said,

    November 7, 2008 at 0:28

    Damn. Michigan isn’t looking too good these days. There was a Klansman standing by the main drag in Midland yesterday with a U.S. flag (rightside-up), taking abuse from passers-by. Robe, pointy hat, sidearm, huge gut & all. (He needs to cut back on the PBR, according to the pic in the paper. It’s not lookist if it’s true. )

    Just the one; apparently the others had stuff to do. He wouldn’t comment on how many robe-bearing buddies he had to the press, or what the secret handshake was. No comment on the coming race war, either. What a letdown.

    Hicks are hicks regardless of which side of the Mason-Dixon they’re on, I guess.

    I’d attempt the linky-thing, but I regularly fail at teh Internets. You can find it at http://www.ourmidland.com.

  104. Ned Hades said,

    November 7, 2008 at 0:39

    Dammit. They changed the pictures in the online article. The ones they posted online yesterday were funnier.

  105. tontocal said,

    November 7, 2008 at 0:52

    I care little for the paucity of his prose….I just wanna see some hot Ben Shapiro on Patrick McHenry action!

  106. justme said,

    November 7, 2008 at 0:53

    Ned Hades,

    I heartily endorse Firefox with the BBCodeExtra extension for the HTML challenged or just plain lazy among us. It gives you a little drop menu with a lot of nifty tags like make-selection-a-link and blockquote, which I could have sworn you used to be able to abbreviate and is just too much for my sorry ass to want to type.

    Woot!

  107. Tehanu said,

    November 7, 2008 at 1:18

    Say, can you come in here and bust up this chifforobe?

    Which one? The one at the top of the stairs by the Tudor balustrade?

    The atmosphere was as phony as the Tudor balustrade at the top of the stairs. And there Ben stood — radiant! All those curves, hidden beneath that flimsy burnoose!

  108. Djur said,

    November 7, 2008 at 1:56

    The atmosphere was as phony as the Tudor balustrade at the top of the stairs. And there Ben stood — radiant! All those curves, hidden beneath that flimsy burnoose!

    Please don’t make me vomit at work again.

  109. RobW said,

    November 7, 2008 at 2:27

    [Obama] embodied the need of the American public for unity by hearkening back to the ultimate unifying feature of American life: third-grade slogans.

    Yoo Ess Ay! Yoo Ess Ay!

  110. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    November 7, 2008 at 2:29

    The fact is, you liberals will be begging a Heartland hero to come back and save this country once the socalist Obama installs socalism that will bring this nation to ruin.

    Where have you gone Joe the Plumber-O?
    Our Nation turns its Rand-ite eyes to you.
    Woo woo woo!

  111. Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

    November 7, 2008 at 2:30

    I just wanna see some hot Ben Shapiro on Patrick McHenry action!

    Townhall slash fiction… what a concept!

  112. Confused said,

    November 7, 2008 at 3:14

    “Now, it seems we’re voting for Obama to avoid seeing our white women raped in our own front yards by big black bucks with the sweat on their naked backs glistening in the light of our flame-engulfed homes.”

    Wait, I thought that was the reason NOT to vote for Obama…

  113. Jemand von Niemand said,

    November 7, 2008 at 3:27

    …need for unity through self-congratulatory, cathartic membership in a broad, transformative political movement.

    Actually, in the organic way that Left movements seem to develop — that’s exactly what we might have, here. And, puerile? It ain’t.

    Benji — feel free to blow my dog; okay? Thanks.

  114. Doctorb said,

    November 7, 2008 at 4:57

    I got pretty sick of people complaining about “Yes, We Can”.

    What? Really? It doesn’t express anything complex or specific? IT IS A SLOGAN YOU DUMBASS. Do they make bumper stickers that are as long as your bumper is wide, saying things like “Honk if you support a mixed economy consisting mainly of private enterprise, but with government-owned or subsidized programs of education, healthcare, child care and related services for all citizens along with a steeply progressive system of taxation to fund government expenditure without burdening working-class consumers”?

    Plus, “Country First”? What’s second, Western?

  115. Thlayli said,

    November 7, 2008 at 11:44

    [W]e were expecting him to say “We Is All Americans” or “Yes, We Be” or “A Fried Chicken in Every Bucket and A Pimped-Out Hummer For Every Crib.”

    or “Motherfucker, bring me an iced tea!”

  116. June Berry said,

    November 13, 2008 at 3:57

    8w4lsg3r5ryj8ddt

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