America’s Worst Former Law Firm Associate™, formerly known as America’s Worst Law Student™ and otherwise known as Ben Shapiro, has lots of time on his hands now, so he has very graciously taken the time to give us the word on why Barack Obama was elected:
The Great Election of 2008 is over. Barack Obama is the 44th President of the United States. Now is the time to ask what this election was about.
Here’s what this election was (set ital)[sic] not (end ital)[sic] about: Barack Obama.
What, then, was the election actually about? Basement mold? Late-onset acne? Boner pills? Cheeto breath? Apparently, yes.
This election was about one thing and one thing only: Americans’ puerile need for unity through self-congratulatory, cathartic membership in a broad, transformative political movement.
Ben uses this elitist, arugula-infused vocabulary to convince you that, although it’s only been a couple of years since his mom caught him wanking in the upstairs bathroom, he’s not himself “puerile” but “manly, mature and wise.” (Of course, don’t ask Ben to explain why this “need for unity” doesn’t just as accurately describe all those wingnuts who are card-carrying members of the Holy and Blessed Church of Saint Ronnie, Champion of Free Markets, Comforter of the Wealthy, Vanquisher of Commie Rat Bastards, and Defender of Unborn Zygotes.)
[Obama] embodied the need of the American public for unity by hearkening back to the ultimate unifying feature of American life: third-grade slogans. He spouted Hope and Change. He told us, “We’re All Americans.” He told us, “Yes, We Can.”
Although Ben obviously has a vivid memory of his relatively recent experiences in the third grade, he appears to have forgotten, say, the third-grade slogans of St. Ronnie and St. Nancy: “Morning in America,” “Just Say No,”
“Thousand Points of Light,” “City on a Hill,” “Bring Down This Wall,” and “Facts Are Stupid Things.”
[Obama] spouted Hope and Change. He told us, “We’re All Americans.” He told us, “Yes, We Can.” From any other politician, it would be ridiculous drivel. From a black candidate, it was inspiring.
I mean, we were expecting him to say “We Is All Americans” or “Yes, We Be” or “A Fried Chicken in Every Bucket and A Pimped-Out Hummer For Every Crib.”
They implied that if we voted against him, we were engaging in racial hatred; some supporters even implied America would undergo a race war if he lost. That’s the last thing we wanted.
Ben seems to have slipped off message here. Just a few paragraphs before we were voting for Barack because of a “puerile need” for unity. Now, it seems we’re voting for Obama to avoid seeing our white women raped in our own front yards by big black bucks with the sweat on their naked backs glistening in the light of our flame-engulfed homes. You just knew that, sooner or later, Ben was going to have to go there, didn’t you?