Dear wingnuts conservative friends,
No presidential candidate in my lifetime has inspired me as much as has our new President-Elect, Barack Obama. On election night, in the spirit of unity and conciliation, he asked us to “resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics”. He asked us to remember the values we all share, and he promised that he would be the leader of all Americans, not just the ones whose support he already has.
In this same spirit, I wish to refrain, at this historical moment, from pointing out that your first major prediction for the post-Obama world — that angry coloreds would riot in the streets — has utterly failed to come true. Now is not the time for blame. Now is the time to put one another at ease, not to put one another on edge.
Therefore, I would like you to know: I have bought a hat.
ABOVE: A hat.
My pledge to you, in the spirit of President Obama’s desire that we be well and truly one nation, is this. Should any of the following things take place during the Obama administration:
1. The institution, at a federal level, of sharia law throughout the country
2. The nationalization and centralization of the production economy
3. Race-based land reform
4. The mass seizure of legally acquired firearms
5. The widespread arrest and imprisonment of conservative talk show hosts
6. The institution of any laws which prohibit criticizing President Obama
7. The destruction of Israel at the hands of an Obama-led American military
8. The introduction of any kind of mandatory national service
9. New terror bombings perpetrated by William Ayers or Bernadine Dohrn
10. The taxation of earned income and/or capital gains at a rate within 25% of its peak during the Eisenhower administration
11. The nomination of Jeremiah Wright, Tony Rezko, or Louis Farrakhan to a Cabinet-level position
12. The disappearance of Christianity as the dominant religion in America
Then I will eat the hat.
This I pledge to you in the spirit of bipartisanship, and God bless America.