Comments on: Carolyn, No (Pastor Swank’s Story Hour)

By: OnceWasEnough

OnceWasEnough — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 14:33:55 +0000

I am interested to know how the young Pastor Swank knew what was and wasn’t in Grandma’s dresser drawers.

By: Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel

Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel — Thu, 26 May 2005 04:38:46 +0000

That sounds more like it.

Mm-mm, pass them raisin cookies raght cheer.

By: glenstonecottage

glenstonecottage — Wed, 25 May 2005 20:34:36 +0000

I wonder what Carolyn said about them.

Who wants to bet it was something like, “My daughter has married a Bible-thumping moron and he’s driving the whole family crazy with his bullshit… yesterday I caught him in the barn cornholing young Joseph and he threatened that if I told anybody he was going to have me put into a home!”

By: Brad R.

Brad R. — Tue, 24 May 2005 20:39:36 +0000

SZ- Y’know, my friend Kristin made the exact same point.

Of course, calling Pastor Swank crazy isn’t lying- quite the oppoisite.

By: s.z.

s.z. — Tue, 24 May 2005 20:26:03 +0000

Okay, the Swank story to date:

When he was a kid, his grandmother told lies about him and his family, causing everyone to hate them. But they put her in an old folks home, and then she had a stroke, and died.

As a pastor in the South, his congregation told lies about him and his family, so he got fired. But later the bastards all died, and then went to hell.

When he worked as a drug counselor, the management told lies about him, so he got fired. Although I can’t remember it being part of the story, presumably these people died too, possibly in a suspicious fire or other “acident.”

Summary: people are always telling lies about the Pastor, and getting him in trouble. But then they die. So, Brad, you’d better watch it …

By: Brad R.

Brad R. — Tue, 24 May 2005 20:23:10 +0000

RK- Yes, we’re all going to Hell. No, we don’t give a shit.

Incidentally, I hear that Satan is developing a whole new circle of Hell for spammers…

By: merlallen

merlallen — Tue, 24 May 2005 17:35:44 +0000

Kill the spammer.

By: Honey

Honey — Tue, 24 May 2005 14:28:20 +0000

Christ, what a fucked up family. I am starting to under stand the pastor a lot better.

By: RK

RK — Tue, 24 May 2005 11:54:31 +0000

This is off-topic, but please have your readers look at this post–it’s very important:

whowilldietoday.blogspot.com

By: Hysterical Woman

Hysterical Woman — Tue, 24 May 2005 11:17:19 +0000

I wonder what Carolyn said about them. In the essay Swank writes that his mother suffered from a “nervous breakdown”, which is a euphemism for any psychatric problem. He says Carolyn was to blame for it. Of course, as a kid I wouldn’t expect him to know what that incident was about.

By: Matt C

Matt C — Tue, 24 May 2005 09:44:32 +0000

Swank wouldn’t know a miracle if the Resurrected Christ walked across a lake and punched him in the face.

But you have to give him this: he’s honest. I’d sure he’d love to be like that Mega-Shift guy and crow about the dead returning to life. Now that’s a miracle! Hell, Swank doesn’t even give us predictable miracle glurge about puppies and babies smililing. He tries to reach into his own, rather pathetic, life and make out his families own deficencies as a miracle.

By: D. Sidhe

D. Sidhe — Tue, 24 May 2005 08:20:32 +0000

“Asshole” works for me. Hell, if Bush’ll execute the deranged, and Swank’s own family’ll dump them in homes, I don’t see why we can’t call ‘em assholes.

By: Bill S

Bill S — Tue, 24 May 2005 08:18:06 +0000

You’re right, Brad, that is an important distinction. I stand corrected. Still, his attitude towards his Grandmother seems kinda asshole-y to me.

By: heydave

heydave — Tue, 24 May 2005 08:12:20 +0000

I had a small stroke four years ago. Miracle? Fuck you, asshole. No, really. Fuck you.
And I’m still here (miracle!) and working out (hosanna!) and not taking shit from asswipe fucktards like you (ah, priceless)…

By: Brad R.

Brad R. — Tue, 24 May 2005 07:32:43 +0000

Bill-
I wouldn’t call Swanky an asshole- he’s too crazy. I reserve that term for people who aren’t (as) mentally deranged, like Hugh Hewitt ;-)

By: Bill S

Bill S — Tue, 24 May 2005 07:23:39 +0000

Brad, I was laughing so hard at your takedown of Swanky that it wasn’t until I started reading the comments from People Smarter Than Me that it sunk in what a complete asshole this guy truly is. Doesn’t his description of Carolyn, pre-stroke, sounds like some compilation of old-lady stereotypes? Why do I get the feeling the ONLY thing about her he actually remembers is that she suffered a stroke, and the rest is fictional? (Well okay, I CAN believe they dumped the poor woman in a nursing home, although the idea of her “Begging” to live with those cretins stretches things a bit.)

By: Davis

Davis — Tue, 24 May 2005 06:00:58 +0000

What if his mother’s mother (Engligh translation: grandma) were telling the truth about his “Christian” parents? And they were the evil ones? Where’s the miracle?

By: FlipYrWhig

FlipYrWhig — Tue, 24 May 2005 05:43:20 +0000

Now as I look back, that’s the year that I remember most about Grandma Carolyn.

Don’t be fooled by the fact that I wrote mostly about all the other years of cookie-baking interrupted by bouts of confinement for hearing-aid feedback and unelaborated nonspecific gossip. What I remember most is captured in this one very short sentence, which describes Grandma Carolyn doing nothing worth noting for an entire year, and that’s what I loved about her.

By: Anne

Anne — Tue, 24 May 2005 05:10:00 +0000

As usual, my response to Pastor Swank is “What the hell? *headdesk*”

By: Stacy

Stacy — Tue, 24 May 2005 04:58:56 +0000

Yeah, putting old grandma in a home because she gossips with the neighbors and only bringing her home when she’s paralyzed is real Christian. I think it’s in Luke 23 where Jesus does the same thing to Mary.