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Get Ben Shapiro Laid!
After reading S.Z.’s preview of Ben Shapiro’s latest book (called The Porn Generation), I’ve decided that we need to get Ben deflowered- FAST. Let’s face it, anyone who writes about sex that much without actually having any is gonna end up killing somebody.
I decided to comb through the ever-classy Boston Phoenix Adult Personal ads, figuring that I could hook Ben up with a local gal since we both go to grad school in the same city. (Of course, it might be tough tracking him down, ’cause I don’t think he actually lives in Boston or Cambridge, and his parents probably have a private helicopter fly him from Wellesley to Harvard every day…)
Click below the fold to read the five finalists and vote on the best one in the comments!!
1.) “Big Girl Wants to Learn”:
Anyone want to show me the way? I’m someone who is DYING to come out of her shell. It doesn’t take too much once I get going. Enjoy sex greatly, into some pain, biting, and leaving little marks. Help me find some of my hidden desires. I am a big girl at 5′7″ and about 250 lbs. Think you can handle it?
Hmmm, whaddya think, Ben? Can you handle her?
Yeah, I don’t think so either. OK, let’s try contestant #2…
2.) “Full Breasts”:
38, 5′, in shape, fun, crazy, and loving. Love kissing, and my fantasty is doing a guy from behind with a strap-on.
OK, I like her- it sounds like she’ll give Ben exactly what he needs.
3.) “Mistress Rachel”:
Strict and beautiful black domina available to train a true pig slut who can demonstrate dedication and willingness to appease his goddess. As a prerequisite to serving, your chastity will be expected and enforced. Realize your submissive nature under the guidance of a true supreme vixen.
Sounds promising, Ben- she’d even let you keep your chastity!
4.) “Latin TV Girl”:
If you want me, take me hard! I am a nice Latin TV girl in the Boston area. If you want to do me good, don’t be shy and contact me. I want a nice, clean, friendly, strong, secure man. I am real so I want my man to be real too.
Hey, she doesn’t sound that bad! Give ‘er a call, Ben! “What’s a ‘TV Girl’,” you ask? Uhm, it’s, uh, someone who’s so hot they appear on TV! Yeah that’s it! Now give her a call!
5.) “Fast Food Kink” (yeah, this one’s a guy, but he sounds really interesting, and I don’t think you should pass him up):
Very kinky male in need of a special relationship. Oral behind dumpsters gets me off. Looking for the same type of person, F or M.
And there are your five finalists. Vote in the comments and let Ben know which one to call first!
Dominic said,
May 21, 2005 at 18:50
They’re all so perfect for him that I could never pick just one.
OK, the tranny. I think that might be Ben’s cup o’ tea. But the dominatrix is a close second.
teh l4m3 said,
May 21, 2005 at 19:30
What? You couldn’t find him a self-loathing compulsive Christian slut who’s into beatings and domination?
Well, I guess you could go with “Big Breasts” — reaming Li’l Ben with a strap-on could open up very fascinating can o’ worms…
FlipYrWhig said,
May 21, 2005 at 20:06
teh l4m3, your image gives the Diet of Worms a whole new meaning.
Davis said,
May 21, 2005 at 20:13
Does Ben at least masturbate? Lack of periodic masturbating can lead to prostrate cancer later in life. I’m not kidding. (the best medical news I’ve heared in years)
Frederick said,
May 21, 2005 at 21:56
3 is a strong contender, but I vote for 2. Ben can use the “research” for his next book, “Sodomite Nation.”
Janice said,
May 21, 2005 at 21:59
Gotta be the dominatrix. You know that after a long day of liberal-bashing, he needs a big, strong, black woman to order him around. And the chastity, the chastity! He might get off just reading the ad.I just made myself throw up in my mouth.
Leeann said,
May 21, 2005 at 22:55
#2, for sure.
D. Sidhe said,
May 21, 2005 at 23:16
I think you may be setting Ben’s sights too high. Remember, he needs someone with enough flaws that they won’t turn up their nose at *him*. Number five has promise. Maybe you could find a one-breasted transvestite peeping tom with no fashion sense and a heroin habit who fantasizes about Dick Cheney and who once screwed a dolphin?
montag said,
May 21, 2005 at 23:47
Gotta be #4! He needs to keep it real, if you know what I mean.
Dick Durata said,
May 22, 2005 at 1:46
I’ll vote for #1 just for the thought of the little shit being squashed like a pancake.
GuinessGuy said,
May 22, 2005 at 2:59
Could it be a threeway? I’d say Dominatrix + Kinky Queen would be a hell of a combination for dear Ben. I mean- he needs to have the guy for him to “finish up”, but the dominatrix has the skillz to make it a quality first time.
Dick Durata said,
May 22, 2005 at 3:51
Another (illegal?) vote for #1, she’ll turn him into a Jelly Ben.
Honey said,
May 22, 2005 at 6:36
I’d go with 2. But then, I’m guessing a LOT of women want to stick things up this kid’s ass.
Christopher said,
May 22, 2005 at 11:34
I gotta go with #4, because, quite frankly, I think the rest of them would destroy him.
And frankly, he has enough sexual neuroses that I think he should start off with a fairly normal, um, girl. I mean, he’s already pretty terrified of sex, so he doesn’t need a dominatrix yelling at him. That can come later.
Amanda Marcotte said,
May 22, 2005 at 15:41
I vote for #5, because blow jobs behind dumpsters is something that Ben may actually be good at. Hey, the College Republicans gotta pass the time somehow.
The Dark Avenger said,
May 23, 2005 at 1:03
he doesn’t need a dominatrix yelling at him
And he’d confuse that with having been yelled at by a Jewish mother since he could understand human speech.
#2, and she should slip him a little powdered Viagra into his Shirley Temple when they go out on their fist date.
If not her:
Howbout a reality series involving a rock-star’s widow and her entry into the exciting world of undercover police work, while Ben blogs and asks himself if the shiksha would really keep kosher for him…….
Yes, it’s Get Courtney Love!
Executive Producer: Anntichrist Coulter
Bass sent to 12
A Quinn Martin Production!
Anonymous said,
May 23, 2005 at 2:33
You’d be better off setting him up with someone from JDate
Dorothy said,
May 23, 2005 at 5:52
I don’t think #2 will work. If she tries to do Ben up the ass with a strap-on, she’s likely to drive his permanently-implanted stick right through his intestinal wall.
GuinessGuy said,
May 23, 2005 at 6:19
I don’t think #2 will work. If she tries to do Ben up the ass with a strap-on, she’s likely to drive his permanently-implanted stick right through his intestinal wall.
So much the better…
Seriously though- we should hook Bennie boy up with a girl from Hannidate. During the date, we slip them some E and watch some nice, unpracticed feeling and grabbing as the lovebirds hit Ben’s mother’s station wagon.
WoodrowFan said,
May 23, 2005 at 13:33
#2. Just make her promise she’ll at least give him a reach around.
George Johnston said,
May 23, 2005 at 15:50
Maybe Ben wants to play altar boy with a Catholic priest. Perhaps Santorum can introduce him to a dog and Bush can introduce him to a horse…
(: Tom :) said,
May 23, 2005 at 16:35
I suggest a dark-horse candidate: Ben should get it on with Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon Six.
Hey, she’s just as likely as any of the other contestants to be willing to deflower Ben. If the money’s right. Say - are you putting a fund together to pay for one of these lovelies to take Ben on? You might need to if you want to make this a reality-based event…
kiche said,
May 23, 2005 at 18:36
while these are all interesting candidates that i am sure mr. shapiro would no doubt love, i am going to have to go with contestant number 2.
i really think that getting pile drived with a strap on is ben’s thing after reading his columns and seeing his picture.
Darth Syphilis said,
May 23, 2005 at 19:56
I vote for #3 or Courtney Love.
Vestal Vespa said,
May 23, 2005 at 21:02
Does Ben at least masturbate? Lack of periodic masturbating can lead to prostrate cancer later in life. I’m not kidding. (the best medical news I’ve heared in years)
Posted by Davis at May 21, 2005 08:13 PM
How on earth did they find people who hadn’t masturbated? Did they study quadraplegics?
suburban refugee said,
May 23, 2005 at 21:14
Actually, there are special devices for quadraplegics. I had a psych professor who had done some work with one of the suicide hotlines, and one of the guys who would call every now and then, was a quadraplegic who would start talking dirty to whoever was on the line, and apparently he had a special suction device that was rather loud.
As for little Ben, I’d suggest the personal ads in one of the free papers here in Seattle. I’m sure there’s some hippie dominatrix who would show Ben what a liberal agenda can really do to soft Republican flesh.
Vestal Vespa said,
May 24, 2005 at 1:44
Actually, there are special devices for quadraplegics. I had a psych professor who had done some work with one of the suicide hotlines, and one of the guys who would call every now and then, was a quadraplegic who would start talking dirty to whoever was on the line, and apparently he had a special suction device that was rather loud.
Well. You learn something new every day.
Hysterical Woman said,
May 24, 2005 at 4:12
I’d like to order him a #3. She’s probably used to Republicians anyway.
Hemlock Echo said,
May 24, 2005 at 4:25
I think the contest is a little unfair, since #5 is Ben, #1 is his mother, and #3 is Ben with duct tape and carpet squares.
I suppose #3 will do.
John E Thelin said,
May 24, 2005 at 4:28
when they go out on their fist date.
Lovely typo, yet oddly appropriate.(I’d say something about it going down in the annals of classic typos, but I fear I’d typo that.)
punched said,
January 26, 2006 at 19:16
http://www.monsitexxx.com/fetiche/astromag/pissing/plumpers/pissing-panties-videos.html billydriverseducing
Matt O. said,
April 19, 2006 at 9:44
I wonder what kind of “research” Ben conducted, or if his upcoming book is merely a memoir.