15
The Waiting Is, Like, So Totally The Hardest Part
…No, actually, it’s like you’re sitting at the bus stop and you notice a big mound of dog poop on the sidewalk, and then you see Ace all like “O! Solo Mio!” — stage-walking down the street with his arms in declamatory parentheses.
…And then you notice the sign, “Caution: Wet Cement,” right by a cage where a bunch of monkeys are eating bananas and throwing the peels out on the sidewalk.
…And then you notice, right near the two guys absent-mindedly carrying a piece of plate glass across the street, and almost underneath the other two guys hauling on a fraying rope tied to a dangling grand piano, that an out-of-control tin lizzie full of pies and seltzer is heading right toward a crate labeled “Danger: TNT” — while a bunch of cops with tall helmets and curlicued mustaches run loose-leggedly in circles, blowing their whistles and chasing a group of suspender-wearing ragamuffin kids with slingshots in their rear pockets and a piebald dog with a black ring around one of its eyes.
actor212 said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:32
The last paragraph’s “I have no idea what I’m talking about” trope passes for a disclaimer, after the damage has been done.
Acey withdrew a story on ACORN yesterday, Be a damned shame if he somehow fucked up two stories on consecutive days, wouldn’t it?
*putting away Johnny Appleseed gear*
Ripley said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:43
Nuclear sand? Dirty bombs? Pirates?
Hello, flag pole! I’ve missed you, old friend.
cur said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:57
I am sure this has something to do with the inverse relationship between pirates and global warming. It is true that pirates have been detonating dirty bombs for centuries now. Less pirates = less dirty bombs = more people = global warming.
But what I don’t get is that we know that global warming is not caused by people? But then again, who could have predicted airplanes being used to attack us on 911!
Point for Ace.
Snort said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:59
I don’t want to conceive of it as possible. Which means I probably should be slow to dismiss it.
Hey Ace, my floor is dirty. Can I put a hose in your ear and vacuum it up?
MzNicky said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:04
Okay, now you totally have to re-do Ace’s pirate-logo thingy.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:09
How long before Ace stumbles across Obatma?
SamFromUtah said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:09
Which means I probably should be slow to dismiss it.
No worries, Ace, you are slow. Which is why you won’t dismiss it.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:18
We’re probably going to have to email him the link.
T. Hussein said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:23
There is no mention of any actual explosives being found on board.
Do you have any idea how much TNT it would take to blow up a fully loaded ship of that size?
Because I don’t, but I’m sure it falls into the ‘shit ton’ category.
If they found a boat loaded with radioactive material and, say, 100,000 pounds of explosives (is that even enough?), you think someone other than some random dude would be talking about it.
Marco said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:24
“And his friends, knowing a bit about cell structure and not the biological sort, know better than to speak up.” Ace
So Ace, Obama’s college buddies cannot be found and no one knows nuthin’ about them which disturbs you but you’re sure that said unknown people no one knows nuthin’ about were involved in terror cells.
Jesus Christ on a bike, already. If Obama ran over my mom with his car, I’d still vote for just to make these dildos cry.
Painted Train Tunnel said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:26
LMAO! You guys are finally speaking my native language.
javafascist said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:29
Jesus Christ on a bike, already. If Obama ran over my mom with his car, I’d still vote for just to make these dildos cry.
And you wouldn’t be alone
Snort said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:35
From the comments:
Whether it’s radioactive sand or some sort of biological agent, it’s obviously bad enough to make pirate’s beards fall off. It’s on a ship flying the flag of freedom’s enemy. This is scary stuff.
All of this is going on while our eye is way off the ball.
They are all in a contest to see who can poop their pants the most. Oh, and Obama is still scary.
Bagelsan said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:38
Wait! …Obama doesn’t have a beard either!
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:41
Wait! …Obama doesn’t have a beard either!
That proves it.
Obama is a pirate nuke-sand terrorist.
Kathleen said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:46
Fafblog’s take seems sadly, piercingly appropriate
Ace is Giblets.
http://fafblog.blogspot.com/2008/10/barack-obama-black.html
T. Hussein said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:46
Ahem.
Don’t you mean Sand-Nuke Pirate Terrorist?
Kathleen said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:46
FYWP please
T. Hussein said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:47
The pirate nuke-sand terrorists are mere pikers.
Nuke-Sand Pirate Terrorist Party said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:52
Splitters!
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:52
Pirate Experienced Nuke Inspired Special terrorist.
MaineMan said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:53
Gavin -
I understand what you were going for, but you also described day-to-day life at my house. Except you left out the part with the cat pawing at the goldfish in a bowl precariously balanced on a stack of books right above the electric space heater on the shag carpet.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:55
I meant Sand, of course.
You are posting comments too quickly. Slow down.
FYWP!
Flying Spaghetti Monster said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:00
Say! This alleged pirate incident didn’t happen to occur this past September 19th, did it?
actor212 said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:02
Do you have any idea how much TNT it would take to blow up a fully loaded ship of that size?
Because I don’t, but I’m sure it falls into the ’shit ton’ category.
Yes, but you see, Ace works in RainMan numbers.
“Raymond, how much does an umbrella cost?
About a hunnert dollars.
And a car? How much does a car cost?
About a hunnert dollars.”
So you see, for Ace, it takes about a stick of dynamite to blow up a ship of that size, which surprisingly is about the same yield as a nuclear device.
Craptain Shitmoat said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:05
Aaarg! Did’je call me name?
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:09
You are posting comments too quickly. Slow down.
Serves you right. Harumph.
PENIS
Barney said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:12
The origin of the ‘kick radioactive sand in Israel’s face’ story is TBRNews – A site well known for dodgy conspiracy theories, often anti-semitic (Holocaust denial a speciality). Why they’ve come up with this, who knows.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:22
He forgot to mention “replacing the entire crew every two weeks as all their hair fell out and they started to die of radiation poisoning.” I love these wingnut killer death scenarios. Wait – maybe the cargo container holding the death sand was made of two inch thick lead!
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:24
Bacon and Play-Doh!
Snort said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:26
Paging Craptain Shitmoat! Paging Craptain Shitmoat!
Here’s an idea. Tow it back to Iran under guard of a massive armada of warships. Dock it in Bandar Abbas (where all of Iran’s refining capabilities are). Then inform “I’m a dinner jacket” that he has three days to unload the cargo. Failure to do so wwill result in a massive bombardment of the ship (on a particularly windy day).”
Arrmada?
SamFromUtah said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:37
Here’s an idea. Tow it back to Iran under guard of a massive armada of warships…
Sorry. If the plan doesn’t involve macrowaves, it’s just not wingnutty enough.
OneMan said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:38
“See? I don’t link every goofy report that floats into my transom.”
Yeah! He posts every goofy report that somebody else pulls out of their transom.
Craptain Shitmoat said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:41
Weigh the anchor, laddies! We’ve got an armada to gather!
Interrobang said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:47
Speaking of “kicking nuclear sand in Israel’s face,” the title of this post is almost a line from a Yehuda Poliker song called “Betokh Hapkak Ha’ensofi,” or “Inside the Endless Traffic Jam.”
I kick Hebrew-language radioactive earworms at the enemies of Israel! And the difficult-to-forget but completely useless knowledge that the Hebrew word for “traffic jam” (pkak) sounds like you’re spitting out something disgusting! So there. Nyah!
Snoopy the WWI Ace said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:53
The story has a Fred Baron.
Curse you Fred Baron!
Olexicon said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:56
Rod Torfleson’s Armada Featuring Herman Menderchuk?
Grace Nearing said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:57
Whether it’s radioactive sand or some sort of biological agent….
Oh come on! It’s Chinese cargo. The grainy stuff is melamine.
Dr. Loveless said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:59
All of this is going on while our eye is way off the ball.
Oh no! Not The Ball!
mikey said,
October 15, 2008 at 21:01
I went to the beach in Iran and all I got was Radioactive Sand in my Buttocks…
mikey
Mooser said,
October 15, 2008 at 21:01
Ah, Sadly, No! I came, I read, I laughed out loud. Life without you, Sadly, No! would be bleak, indeed! Thanks to all.
Ace. Both of me. said,
October 15, 2008 at 21:03
Ace1: It could be a q ship.
Ace2: No, it can’t. If it was a q-ship, it would have a big Q painted on it.
Ace1: But you wouldn’t paint “Q-ship” on a q-ship so it must be a q-ship. There! Ive run rings round me logically.
jim said,
October 15, 2008 at 21:04
Wow – from ACORN Commisars rigging the vote, to nuke-sand pirate Ninja Moozlim Cylon Zombie Dalek naval terrorism, to Obama finding time to hobnob with radicals while he’s getting an elite(LOL) Magna Cum Laude law-degree, all in just a couple of days.
Wingnut Hyperwarp-Drive, ENGAGE!
Left him some tender lovin’ snark, including the fact that I’d love love LOVE to see La Acehole get his own show on FOX NEWS – he’d fit in just fine over there … & I mean, it’s not as if they have standards or anything, amirite?
Mooser said,
October 15, 2008 at 21:04
And that was before I read the links.
Righteous Bubba said,
October 15, 2008 at 21:09
The first angel farted, and there followed anvils and really big rocks mingled with tar, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of coyotes was squished up, and walked accordion-style thereafter.
And the second angel farted, and a great creaking and popping jalopy was cast into a tree: and the third part of the citizens of Riverdale heard Archie let loose a tremendous “EEP!”
Etc.
SamFromUtah said,
October 15, 2008 at 21:14
See? I don’t link every goofy report that floats into my transom.
Isn’t it “over the transom”?
Do you have any idea what a transom is, Ace?
Craptain Shitmoat said,
October 15, 2008 at 21:23
Avast!
We’ve got a problem, ye scurvy dogs. We seemed to have taken one to the transom.
Aaargh!
PeeJ said,
October 15, 2008 at 21:36
Pedantry alert!
The proper formulation is “through the transom.”
On another note, doncha jus luvvit when Ace channels Philp K. Dick?
Dan Someone said,
October 15, 2008 at 21:40
If you read the first letters of the sentences of Ace’s bomb-ship posting, acrostic-style, it spells out “NEED MORE TINFOIL FOR HAT.”
How’s that for a coincidence?
Craptain Shitmoat said,
October 15, 2008 at 22:15
Hey, Pedant PeeJ!
Aren’t Bulwark and Transom synonyms?
So wouldn’t the proper pedantry propose that one go ‘over the transom’, unless one wanted to just run smack dab into the side (as I think Ace was suggesting)?
libarbarian said,
October 15, 2008 at 22:44
My Favorites comment is: I thought about the lucky pirate angle, and came to the conclusion that God does some pretty cool shit.
Translation: Its ok that it seem so ridiculously far-fetched because that just means it’s probably a miracle and therefore definitely true.
God, I wish I could think like that.
T. Hussein said,
October 15, 2008 at 22:54
No you don’t.
PeeJ said,
October 15, 2008 at 23:06
Arrr, Cap’n, ye might be right.
The uasge *I* am familiar with is the architectural transom, specifically a transom window. Which, as we all know, is a prime site through which to throw shit.
I completely spaced on the nautical transom. I withdraw my challenge.
Mentis Fugit said,
October 15, 2008 at 23:11
Kinda light on the “Philip K” though.
It’s “over the transom”: the transom in question is one of these, not one of these.
Mentis Fugit said,
October 15, 2008 at 23:12
I mean “not one of these“.
Bugger.
SamFromUtah said,
October 15, 2008 at 23:13
The uasge *I* am familiar with is the architectural transom…
Me too, and I know I’ve seen the usage “over the transom”, even in teh dictionary.
Then again, that dictionary approves of “hone in”, so who can say.
Craptain Shitmoat said,
October 15, 2008 at 23:26
Aye, Mentis, ye be a scury dog.
There be no French transom on my beloved high seas!
When you catch a wave over the transom, it is not an event ye soon will forget.
LittlePig said,
October 15, 2008 at 23:41
None on the Phillip K – Ace is pure dick.
Curse you Fred Baron! <==== Full Of Win
PeeJ said,
October 15, 2008 at 23:41
So how would something come over that transom? That’s a solid wall over the transom.
[Im not sure precisely what "horizontal elements" are in the architectural transom class. It could be the wall is a transom for all I know. But I don't think so]
In any case, now that I’ve read it again, the verb “float” would seem to indicate the nautical type.
mea fucking culpa
LittlePig said,
October 15, 2008 at 23:42
I thought ‘over the transom’ was essentially ‘over the editor’s desk’.
PeeJ said,
October 15, 2008 at 23:44
Also, by channeling Philip K Dick, I mean Dick the man, not Dick the writer. Paranoid as all hell and batshit crazy to boot. It took Dick many years of serious drug abuse to get that way. Ace seems like a natural.
T. Hussein said,
October 16, 2008 at 0:33
As I understand it the transom is the tall vertical wall on the back of old sailing ships.
There’s that.
And that.
So you were right, PeeJ, but
ICraptain Shitmoat was trying to torture it into a nautical phrase.Craptain Shitmoat said,
October 16, 2008 at 0:34
Aye.
You’ve won the skirmish, but not thee war.
aaargh.
Gary Ruppert's Poor Abused Children said,
October 16, 2008 at 1:17
Sorry if anyone already posted this, but the comments on the Ace of Spades link in the third paragraph (about the Iranian boat with the radiated sand), which need to be clicked on a the end of the story, are really amazing. The people who comment on that site are literally tin-foil hat wearing conspiracy theorists. I’ve never gone to that site before, and it’s just crazy. I never realized that these third-tier rightwinger sites are populated by such fringe dwelling retards.
Gary Ruppert's Poor Abused Children said,
October 16, 2008 at 1:19
Sorry, all. Just read back on these comments and I cannot believe so many of you read the comments on Ace of Spades. Gotta say, the handle Craptain Shitmoat is just too funny.
Megann McAlthouse said,
October 16, 2008 at 1:28
You know, Ace has raised the bar on insane to a level that I think even Juggs Atlas and “Mad” Malkin are going to struggle to meet. The whole pirate thing was fucking inspired but hey, Obama was an anti-apartheid bomber at Columbia because he was working on SA divestment (so was I! I didn’t even know I was a terrorist) is genius.
He is parody, right? Like Jon Swift?
SamFromUtah said,
October 16, 2008 at 2:28
…and then you see Ace all like “O! Solo Mio!”
I’ve been laughing about this ever since the first post with it.
Is that still used as a comic-book shorthand for people just going about their lives? I remember seeing it in the funnies when I was a kid, and used it in the dorky little comics I drew.
smut clyde said,
October 16, 2008 at 3:09
Sand Pirates? This sounds like a job for Kendra, Warrior-Babe of the Outlands.
smut clyde said,
October 16, 2008 at 3:12
doncha jus luvvit when Ace channels Philp K. Dick?
The speed of his deterioration reminds me of the devolving technologies in the final chapters of Ubik.
Use only as directed.
tee-hee said,
October 16, 2008 at 18:16
Oh, oh, my sides hurt from laughing. Sand pirates, Craptain Shitmoat, Curse you Fred Baron, oh oh damn funny.
And over at the Ace-hole there’s this, glistening like a little wet kernel of corn embedded at the very end of the poop pile that he calls Obama girlfriend scoop : “I don’t have enough to verify this on my own.”
LOLZ! Ace is da place for FAIL, indeed.