15
Please, please, please take this advice
I can’t even lampoon these guys anymore:
Advice to McCain [John J. Pitney, Jr.]What demeanor should McCain display tonight? Angry doesn’t work. Solemn doesn’t work. ake-smiley doesn’t work. Instead, McCain should go back to his roots and unleash his inner smart-aleck. If Obama accuses him of being erratic in a crisis, he should say: “So I’m erotic in a crisis? Who knew?”
This approach has a couple of advantages. First, it enables McCain to show the more appealing side of his personality.
Uh, sleazy old men aren’t “appealing,” dude.
Second, it throws Obama off his game. His handlers have surely anticipated every possible attack line about Ayers and Wright. And as a good liberal, he’s waiting for the chance to say, “Have you left no sense of decency?” But he’d be hard put to defend against ridicule. The One can’t handle the jokes.
Well, having a 72-year-old man talking openly about his sex life on national television would throw anyone off their game. I just don’t think it will help him get elected.
So to get ready for the debate, McCain should lay aside the notes, crack open a beer, and watch Animal House.
I agree. God, I hope the McCain campaign reads the Corner every day.
GSD said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:11
Three cheers for old man cock!
Mass mental breakdown is consuming the American right wing.
Maybe some hippies did put acid in the water in Minnesota during the convention.
What else explains such hallucinatory behavior?
-GSD
The Goddamn Batman Is Erotic In A Crisis said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:14
He wants McJowly to work on his Emily Litella act. That’s his brilliant plan. Like the man said, cocaine’s a hell of a drug.
Gary Ruppert said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:15
The fact is, shut up. There is no WAY patriots in the Heartland are voting for your terrorist boy.
Sockpuppet #47 said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:16
Maybe he can make the gorilla joke again during the debate! That one was hilarious! I’m sure Obama would be really put off his stride by it.
Gary Ruppert said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:17
The fact is, here in the Heartland, we know Osama will try to steal the election. If this happens, we are well armed. We will restore the Constitution, because the 2nd Amendment guarantees all the other ones.
J— said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:18
I have a source who is very credible and who is willing to talk to me. My source tells me that tonight the McCain campaign will replace McCain’s podium with a sukkah in honor of the festival of Sukkot. He will poke his head out to give answers and rebuttals. My source tells me this will show definitively that John McCain and Sarah Palin love Israel more than Barack Obama and Joe Biden. My source also tells me this will be a game-changer.
OTB said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:19
I’m just sitting here, trying to type a response. Words fail.
MzNicky said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:20
McCain has an “appealing side”? Who knew! Why hasn’t he brought it out, like, ever?
Turbine Yukon Palin said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:22
Shorter John J. Pitney, Jr:
To deflect from accusations of erratic behavior, McCain should randomly change his behavior. Again.
OTB said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:22
>To deflect from accusations of erratic behavior, McCain should randomly change his behavior. Again.
Yeah, THAT was what I was trying to say…
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:23
So to get ready for the debate, McCain should lay aside the notes, crack open a beer, and watch Animal House.
Sure, that’d be fucking awesome. More awesome would be for him to tell Obama “Git me a beer, boy.” and then after taking a swig, he should spit all over Obama’s face – all Stone Cold Steve Austin style. And then he can belch really loud right in Bob Schiffer’s face and then say “How do you like that Dean Schiffer!”
Nimrod Gently said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:24
“So I’m erotic in a crisis? Who knew?”
That’s not a comeback, that’s a creepy deaf old man being creepy.
Snort said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:24
We will restore the Constitution, because the 2nd Amendment guarantees all the other ones.
Oookay! Why do we need to restore the Constitution? Oh wait, 8 years of Republicans! You betcha!
McCain + erotic = blegh
J Neo Marvin said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:24
So he wants McCain to talk in bizarre non sequiturs?
And this would be different how?
Gary Ruppert said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:24
The fact is, Osama is unqualified to be President. He is a Socialist and he is Black.
Major Woody said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:25
If McCain really wants to throw Obama off of his game, every time “The Black One” speaks, he should make snide comments “under his breath” that are clearly loud enough to be heard. That’d be hilarious!
Mephisto said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:25
As I recall, McCain actually tried being a smartass in the last debate. When Obama sarcastically repeated the notion that he is naive and McCain is experienced and wise (or something to that effect), the latter said “Well thank you very much” and did a smug little idiot dance. And Obama just ignored it.
So yeah, that’ll work just fine.
mark f said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:25
I, for one, think that making lame, somewhat off-color jokes at bizarre and inappropriate times is a wonderful way to prove you’re not erratic.
J— said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:26
If Obama accuses him of being erratic in a crisis, he should say: “So I’m erotic in a crisis? Who knew?”
Better yet, McCain should break into song and dance.
tigrismus said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:26
Yeah, pretending to mishear words is sure to work for him. Maybe he can pull out an ear horn for verisimilitude. Then to cinch the youth vote he could call himself a Groucho Marxist and bag on the Kaiser.
Bistroist said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:27
Shorter Junior Pitney:
roseyv said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:28
Ooh! Ooh! I wanna play! You know what else could probably throw Obama off his game? If McCain, when asked a question about the economy, stuck lima beans up his nose, then blew them out across the dais while wagging his penis and doing the teapot dance and singing “Can’t catch me with the lawnmower, Uncle Herbie, I’m a diaper boy!” to the tune of “Starlight Express.”
Gundamhead said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:31
“McCain should go back to his roots and unleash his inner smart-aleck. If Obama accuses him of being erratic in a crisis, he should say: “So I’m erotic in a crisis? Who knew?”
Good lord what a moron. Who does he think would be impressed with that? Is this fuckwit twelve years old?
MzNicky said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:31
The fact is, Osama is unqualified to be President. He is a Socialist and he is Black.
Stupid Gary Ruppert. Osama is Al Qaeda and brown. Plus he’s not even running for President. Looser.
actor212 said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:36
If Obama accuses him of being erratic in a crisis, he should say: “So I’m erotic in a crisis? Who knew?”
Because nothing reminds voters of your youth and vitality like pretending to be either deaf or demented or both!
Snort said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:36
Maybe McCain should just keep repeating “Well there you go again” over and over. Then all the acolytes of St. Raygun will storm the podium in ecstasy, putting McCain the chosen one on their shoulders in a frenzy of acclaim and devotion. He alone can save us from the evil scary black man who will make us all be mooselums.
(my head hurts now)
actor212 said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:38
If McCain really wants to throw Obama off of his game, every time “The Black One” speaks, he should make snide comments “under his breath” that are clearly loud enough to be heard. That’d be hilarious!
Hey! He could sigh really really loudly while Obama is answering a question! It worked for Al Gore! Totally threw Bush off his game and cost Bush the election!
MzNicky said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:39
And he should look at his watch to see if it’s time to leave yet. GB the First did that. Real smooth.
Scott said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:43
Because what America needs during an economic crisis is some old guy who won’t take anything seriously and will make stupid jokes about his sex life.
What Pitney apparently wants is for McCain to say “I’m rubber, you’re glue,” tell booger jokes, and make fart noises into his hands.
D.N. Nation said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:45
My friends…I just flew into this debate, and boy are my arms tired!
rjbraun said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:45
The 2nd amendment goes both ways, Ruppie (are you Hindi?). The brothers I know are well armed, if you know what I mean. I’d be peeing my pants if I were you, if you aren’t already, that is.
The McPain strategery will follow the usual pattern. He’ll smile and look like he just pooped his pants like he did in the other two “debates”. Except this time he actually will poop his pants.
Snort said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:47
“Senator Obama, I knew Charles Keating, and you’re no Charles Keating.”
MzNicky said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:49
“Senator Obama, I knew Frederick Douglass. Frederick Douglass was a friend of mine. You, sir, are no Frederick Douglass.”
Ken Lowery said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:49
I’m just sitting here, trying to type a response. Words fail.
The only response to something like this is:
“Aaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha”
Marion in Savannah said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:50
McCain could address all comments to Obama using a variety of “N” words, with a dramatic pause before each… As in “Senator Obama, you’re a nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn … aive young man.” The audience would be on the edge of their seats waiting for “THE” N-word.
gawker said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:51
Obviously I didn’t do a good job of scraping the barrel because John Pitney Jr found something I must have overlooked.
F.Jardim said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:51
Indeed! Displaying comprehension issues is exactly what a 72-year-old needs to do to reassure voters about his age and judgement!
Maybe he should also pretend his back locked up and wear a neck brace and an orthopedic corset, then jest “I’m sure I’m the one to -harness- the situation into a positive outcome!!”
Or show up in geriatric diapers and go “Y’all can DEPENDS on me, my friends!”
I…have to stop. I nearly hate myself enough to write for National Review now.
Batocchio said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:53
Wow. Even Bill Krstol can’t top that horrible advice.
MzNicky said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:54
I sorta liked how last time he wandered aimlessly around the stage, getting in the way of the camera and Tom Brokaw’s teleprompter. That was awesome.
jte said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:00
Shorter NRO: by acting batshit insane, McCain can alleviate concerns that he’s batshit insane. Hey, it worked for Mike Gravel, right?
Actually, having McCain just shotgun beers one right after the other for the entire ninety minutes and then letting out an enormous thirty-second belch when Schieffer asks about his tax plan would be pretty cool.
Mr. Wonderful said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:01
“If McCain, when asked a question about the economy, stuck lima beans up his nose, then blew them out across the dais while wagging his penis and doing the teapot dance and singing “Can’t catch me with the lawnmower, Uncle Herbie, I’m a diaper boy!” to the tune of “Starlight Express.””
I tried that once. It didn’t work.
Major Woody said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:02
I’m telling you MzNicky, it’s the Moose Disease.
Mr. Wonderful said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:04
Plus, nothing will cause Obama to get flustered. He was quite witty ad libbing w/ Hilary during their debates. All he’d have to do is stand there and watch. And then say, “And now, let’s bring out the sane member of the team. Sarah Palin, everybody!”
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:05
Schieffer: Senator McCain, given that it would take many years for off-shore drilling to come up to maximum production, could you explain how your energy plan would lead to lower prices at the pump.
JiSM3: THE BUTTOCKS!
Mary Ruppert said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:06
Uh, sleazy old men aren’t “appealing,” dude.
Gold diggers the world over beg to differ. (And speaking of gold diggers, i wonder if Kerry and McCain signed any pre-nups?)
Dreamweasel said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:07
John McCain sounded so natural and un-forced when he tried cracking jokes at last week’s debates. (Remember the bit about the hair transplants?) I can see why JJPJ would want him to continue in this vein.
MzNicky said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:08
it’s the Moose Disease.
Is that a new euphemism for dementia?
tigrismus said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:10
Actually, having McCain just shotgun beers one right after the other for the entire ninety minutes
Damn straight: he should have to drink every time he says “my friends” just like the rest of us.
Shygetz said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:17
With friends like this, etc., etc. Yeah, be ignorant and snide, John McCain; it’s worked so well for your running mate.
As soon as McCain decided to play for the Republican base, he was doomed. He’s never been a conservative darling, and the conservative base ain’t what it used to be. Unfortunately for him (and fortunately for us), he wasn’t bright enough to see the writing on the wall until it was too late.
SamFromUtah said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:18
You know what else could probably throw Obama off his game?
Yeah! McCain should show up wearing shoe polish all over his face and insist that he’s Obama.
Lawnguylander said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:18
Crack open beer? Half measures at this late date aren’t going to move the polls. He should be in a Hofstra dorm room doing keg stands with his staff right now in between games of beer pong. Make sure he gets Rick Davis drunk enough to pass out so McCain can shave his eyebrows off and write shit like, “I’m a fag” all over his face with a Sharpie then roll his blacked out ass onto the stage in a wheelbarrow to remain there for the duration of the debate, each of them with women’s undergarments they scored in a panty raid sticking out of the pockets of their dissheveled, vomit-stained suits. There’s bound to be a couple of nerds in the audience that he can suddenly start berating in the middle of one of That One’s answers. Finding a way to set off the sprinkler system would be ideal but at least he can have a fire extinguisher stashed behind his podium which would allow him to douse the first few rows of the audience for the real game changing moment.
FlipYrWhig said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:19
“Bill Ayers? No, my friends, you misunderstand. Senator Obama associates with Bel Air, because he thinks he’s the Fresh Prince! You know what I’m talking about, my friends. Seriously…”
Southern Beale said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:39
Ummm … are you SURE this isn’t from the Onion or something?
liminalist said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:41
I am envisioning this as Michael Scott vs. Darryl from warehouse.
Lou, Lou, the Dancing Panda said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:44
If McCain really wants to throw Obama off of his game, every time “The Black One” speaks, he should make snide comments “under his breath” that are clearly loud enough to be heard
Specifically, he should mutter “Osama says what?” and then when Obama says “What?” he should point into the crowd and laugh, maybe shake his ass a little.
A Person Who's Watched Animal House said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:45
Let’s see, an erotic old man watching Animal House. Mr. Pitney, I do believe, has a thing for Donald Sutherland’s ass.
Homer Simpson said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:46
Animal House, House, House…
Animal House Closing Credit said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:48
Sen. McCain and his wife Cindy went on a coke binge after the election, before changing their names legally to Levi and Bristol.
dex said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:53
“…and so i sez, at least i don’t plaster on the make-up like a trollop, you cunt. wokka wokka, my friends. i’ll be here another 22 days or so. try the veal.”
Sockpuppet #47 said,
October 15, 2008 at 19:55
Well, lets think carefully about proven successful strategies.
Mcain doesn’t really have any fans. That Palin lady however, DOES have some (rather rabid) supporters. So the answer is simple. Mcain needs to
1: Waffle more.
2: Wear a skirt and lipstick
3: Wink at the audience more.
4: Behave like Maggie Thatcher off her meds.
That strategy should at LEAST help with fans of Rudy Gulliani!
actor212 said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:10
Actually, having McCain just shotgun beers one right after the other for the entire ninety minutes and then letting out an enormous thirty-second belch when Schieffer asks about his tax plan would be pretty cool.
I bet he doesn’t make it past the letter “H” in the bralphabet…
T. Hussein said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:27
I would even vote for McCain if he pulled that off.
Joshua said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:30
John McCain sounded so natural and un-forced when he tried cracking jokes at last week’s debates. (Remember the bit about the hair transplants?) I can see why JJPJ would want him to continue in this vein.
Not just that, but when he said he wouldn’t pick Tom Brokaw to be Secretary of Treasury (what was that all about?) or when he tried to say “thanks” when Obama was laying into him. It was just weird, really weird, and terrible.
I’m not sure if McCain ever was a genuinely funny guy, or if he was the type of guy that thought being funny was pushing a nerd into a puddle. Much like Bush, I am guessing its the latter.
Gerald Curl said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:31
National Review Debate Wish #473:
MCCAIN: Why, Senator Obama doesn’t even know the capital of Thailand!
OBAMA: Of course I do, it’s …
MCCAIN (smacking Obama’s groin): BANGKOK!!!!
OBAMA (writhing in pain): Uhhhh, ohhhh, argghhh …
MCCAIN (pulling protective cup out of pants): That’s why I always wear this! (Yells to Cindy McCain) Hey wife number two! Let’s split this lame-ass place! (Waits for Cindy, then addresses crowd) See you in the funny papers!!
(McCain exits holding up his arms at his side, pretending that he is an airplane involved in a dogfight)
Ken Lowery said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:43
I just realized something. This jackass wants McCain to be sarcastic and smart-alecky, responding to actual substance with “witty” pun-based bullshit.
He wants McCain to act like a right-wing blogger.
Yeah, please do this, Senator McCain. Obama won’t know how to deal with it!!
Turbine Yukon Palin said,
October 15, 2008 at 20:48
Schieffer: As president, what sort of initiatives would you sponsor to safeguard our economy?
McCain: [lights fade, a gentle spot illuminates his podium]
I get no kick from champagne.
Mere alcohol doesnt thrill me at all,
So tell me why should it be true
That I get a kick out of you?
Some get a kick from cocaine.
Im sure that if I took even one sniff
That would bore me terrificly too,
Yet I get a kick out of you.
I get a kick evrytime I see
Youre standing there before me.
I get a kick though its clear to me
You obviously dont adore me.
I get no kick in a plane.
Flying too high with some guy in the sky
Is my idea of nothing to do,
Yet I get a kick out of you.
Dr. Loveless said,
October 15, 2008 at 21:07
So to get ready for the debate, McCain should lay aside the notes, crack open a beer, and watch Animal House.
If McCain would only stuff his mouth full of cottage cheese, punch his cheeks and spray it all over Obama, then say, “I’m a zit. Get it?” it would be a game-changer. I’d vote for him if he did that.
Tom65 said,
October 15, 2008 at 21:11
God, I hope the McCain campaign reads the Corner every day.
I think that may have been his problem all along.
Brandi said,
October 15, 2008 at 21:28
And once again, Zina Saunders belts it out of the park.
jim said,
October 15, 2008 at 21:30
This approach has a couple of advantages. First, it enables McCain to show the more appealing side of his personality.
Pure GOP moonshine: made from only the finest failberries.
John J. Pitney Jr. – the best evidence today refuting the theory of Intelligent Design.
SomeNYGuy said,
October 15, 2008 at 22:01
I loved John Pitney’s recordings of “Town Without Pity” and “It Hurts to Be in Love.”
F'in Librul said,
October 15, 2008 at 22:11
“So I’m erotic in a crisis? Who knew?”
Yes, great advice. He’s an old man who can’t hear and has a dirty mind.
That ought to really help his GOTV efforts with seniors and busybody prudes, who make up roughly 50% of his remaining supporters.
Mauro said,
October 15, 2008 at 22:15
Stupid. So stupid.
Obama can TOTALLY handle McCain making jokes. Where the hell do they get the idea that it’ll “throw him off his game”? To the contrary, Obama would give McCain a comeback that will make the entire country want to vote for him just to see Republicans get SERVED over and over again.
“Hey, McCain, you should play basketball during the debate. That’ll throw Obama off his game — he’s expecting all sorts of questions about Ayers but he’s not expecting to have to shoot any hoops. Sure win, my friends!”
Dreamweasel said,
October 15, 2008 at 22:54
McCain should also make fun of Obama’s advancing age.
Did you know that he’s going to be 50 in just three years?
Phoenix Woman said,
October 15, 2008 at 22:59
Of course, when everything went to utter dung, Eric “Otter” Stratton was stout enough to say “You f-ed up! You trusted us!” to Flounder. Pitney Jr. won’t have the guts to admit that to McCain, should McCain take his advice.
Tom said,
October 15, 2008 at 23:09
McCain should drop his pants and tell Obama to come and get a piece of his meat pump. That should throw him off his game.
tigrismus said,
October 15, 2008 at 23:12
Throw him off his game and off his feed. Ew.
roac said,
October 15, 2008 at 23:41
If McCain did the debate in blackface and minstrel show dialect, that would be totally awesome.
Probably too late to get that one on the Corner. Dammit.
Johnny Pez said,
October 15, 2008 at 23:46
No, Senator McCain, don’t listen to them! They’re only trying to make you look foolish!
What you should really do during tonight’s debate is, whenever Obama is talking, put your hands in your pants pockets, slounch against your lectern, and start singing “Strangers In the Night” like Sinatra. That’ll totally throw Obama off his game.
SamFromUtah said,
October 16, 2008 at 0:07
Obama can TOTALLY handle McCain making jokes. Where the hell do they get the idea that it’ll “throw him off his game”?
Every new plan McWorse and supporters come up with seems to hinge on the idea that Obama and his team a) didn’t see it coming and b) would react with shock and awe like, well, Kerry or the Congressional Democrats. Even after it’s been repeatedly demonstrated that neither is true.
It’s pretty amazing to watch, isn’t it?
kmblue said,
October 16, 2008 at 1:08
I think what McCain should do is kick Obama under the table a lot because they’ll be sitting really close together and it won’t be hard and maybe Obama will think Schieffer is doing it.
RobW said,
October 16, 2008 at 1:33
Every new plan McWorse and supporters come up with seems to hinge on the idea that Obama and his team a) didn’t see it coming and b) would react with shock and awe like, well, Kerry or the Congressional Democrats. Even after it’s been repeatedly demonstrated that neither is true.
Well, it’s a good thing they never telegraph their punches, right?
Megann McAlthouse said,
October 16, 2008 at 1:41
These people are such bastids. All they’ve left us with is pointing and laughing.
But yeah, please please please Johnny McInsane go for “Yeah bro, Osama is a terrorist, *burp*, but I’d boff his missus”.
Tehanu said,
October 16, 2008 at 1:50
Gary Ruppert said,
October 15, 2008 at 18:24
The fact is, Osama is unqualified to be President. He is a Socialist and he is Black.
Gary, you love America, right? The country based on the idea that all men are created equal? All men, Gary, not just pink-skinned ones?
Or is there some other America you love where “all men” actually means “all the men who look only like me”?
Digging Glass » Last Debate! said,
October 16, 2008 at 5:29
[...] And for the McCain camp you went for the bait on Ayers, you should have followed the Corner’s advice: What demeanor should McCain display tonight? Angry doesn’t work. Solemn doesn’t work. [...]
Major Woody said,
October 16, 2008 at 6:33
Tehanu said,
Gary, you love America, right? The country based on the idea that all men are created equal? All men, Gary, not just pink-skinned ones?
Or is there some other America you love where “all men” actually means “all the men who look only like me”?
Actually, for a lot of the electorate, that’s the America they live in every day.
Paging Eric Stratton! « Mercury Rising ?? said,
October 16, 2008 at 7:19
[...] by Phoenix Woman on October 16, 2008 Oh, yes, let’s hope the McCain camp takes this wonderful advice from John J. Pitney Jr. over at [...]