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Teach Your Kids About Sex the Michael Jackson Way
Focus on the Family has an illuminating article about the best way to teach sex to your kids:
How to Talk to Your Teens About Sex
First, put a paper bag over your head.
“Tell your teen, ‘this is what I put on mommy’s head before doing the nasty.’”
Then, speak slowly and clearly. Ah, don’t you wish talking to your teens about sex was an easy task? It’s not, and there’s no use pretending it is. However, it’s critical that you do it. Don’t believe the fallacies.
And if there’s one thing we all hate, it’s phallus fallacies.
If you don’t talk to your kids, the only information they get will be from their uneducated friends, or the distorted media.
Hey, I can relate: I don’t want my kids learning about sex from Andy Rooney either.
Let’s see what their recommendations are:
-WHERE: Not at a restaurant. You’ll already feel a bit self-conscious talking to your teen without having any other potential eavesdroppers.
“Yeah, I’ll have the double bacon cheddar wrap, and Junior here will have a foot-long hot dog… ooooh that reminds me, son, we need to talk to you about your cock at some point.”
Most teens seem to be more receptive to talking about difficult things at night. Take advantage of this by “tucking” them into bed. Sit on the edge of the bed and begin. The dark room helps you as well.
So, you should take advantage of your teen in a dark room. It’s easy: just sit on the edge of the bed and begin.
Y’know, something tells me God would not approve of this…
Curl up on the sofa, pop a bowl of popcorn, fix their favorite beverage and go for it.
“But don’t forget to slip ‘em that li’l blue tic-tac! Otherwise, things could get ugly real fast…”
Be sure that nothing is planned for early the next day, that the phones are turned off and that there’s little chance for interruption.
OK, this seriously sounds like the instructions Michael Jackson gives his butler at Neverland Ranch… and that’s not a good thing.
Wonkette said,
April 5, 2005 at 2:51
Remainders: Be Not Afraid! Edition
• William Safire calls Russian president a pussy. [NY Times] • We’re just guessing here, but we highly doubt Senator John Cornyn (R - TX) would maintain such a philosophical stance about Congress-related murders. [Eschaton] • Minuteman v…
heydave said,
April 5, 2005 at 3:19
And a truly unreal article it is.
I can hardly stand to talk to right wingers about anything inconsequential. Pity their kids being asked to write out questions ahead of time…
shelly said,
April 5, 2005 at 4:12
That is just so idiotic. I prefer the “Yeah, Tell Them At Home But Be Upfront About It And Don’t Just Discuss Abstinence” approach. :)
neil said,
April 5, 2005 at 4:28
Shelly, did you READ the article? It’s pretty much exactly what you prefer. It’s actually a pretty rational approach compared to the typical FOF nonsense.
Andrew said,
April 5, 2005 at 6:23
And Don’t forget to them how evil and sinful lusting after the same sex is, and how they will burn in hell with ghandi and dali lama for it.
mags said,
April 5, 2005 at 8:23
I thought right wingers didn’t HAVE sex?
Anonymous said,
April 5, 2005 at 8:46
And don’t forget to tell your sons that it’s OK to lie for a piece of ass.
mutant cat said,
April 5, 2005 at 17:00
The first time they talk to their kids about sex is when they’re a teen? And they tuck them into bed still. The kids probably already know more about sex than their parents do.
shelly said,
April 6, 2005 at 1:55
The part I read WAS idiotic, in my opinion. The other half was better, yes; but the first part? No.
Vanessa said,
April 6, 2005 at 18:05
Here’s a website with some actually useful information for adults trying to broach the subject of sexuality with young people:
http://www.familiesaretalking.org
Janice said,
April 6, 2005 at 19:03
A couple of really useful books (to supplement/provoke discussion, not replace it):
For the younger set (1st-3rd grade): What’s the Big Secret?, by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
For pre-teens (have these discussions before puberty hits): It’s Perfectly Normal, by Robie H. Harris
cowalker said,
April 7, 2005 at 4:40
The article says:
“If your teen hasn’t asked you any questions by the time he or she is 14, set a time to talk.”
Write your questions down ahead of time.
But then the article says:
“Always. Talk about sex freely, openly and honestly in your home. Be the place where your teen comes for information first, or to check out information they’ve heard from their friends. Experts say that discussing sexuality on an ongoing basis helps teens have a healthier view of sexuality and postpone sex until marriage.”
And that is very good advice. It means you start talking to them about the differences between male and female, and how reproduction takes place before it occurs to either of you to be embarassed–like when they’re two, and you give their body parts the correct names.