22
Back Again
Since Seb’s still recovering from his double-penis operation, he’s asked me to stick around for a while to help keep Sadly, No! fresh and AbsorbShunny.
I’ve decided not to blog about Terri Schiavo. It’s too depressing, and I only blog to have fun- you know, the same reason Judson Cox dresses his pet hamsters in Barbie clothes and sends them on play dates.
But since every wingnut site is Schiavo-obsessed this week, the pickings for Grade-A right-wing tomfoolery are very slim indeed.
Desperate for something to laugh about, I decided to check out NewsMax to see if they had posted any funny new ads. This one caught my eye:
As S.Z. has pointed out, it seems like every ad on NewsMax is marketing something that CRAZY Left-Wing Liberals/Hillary Clinton/The Mainstream Media DON’T want you to see. Speaking as a CRAZY Left-Wing Liberal, I don’t really care if NewsMax readers learn the secrets of having ancient Chinese sex or earning "Wealth Beyond Dreams of Greed," but I guess it helps them sell their products. Maybe Jeff Gannon would have made more money if he’d taken out a NewsMax ad with the caption, "Dan Rather Does NOT Want You to Toss This Man’s Salad!!"
At any rate, I clicked on the ad’s link and it took me to the site of "Jason Juliano." And because Jason knows the grave personal risk we took by clicking on the site that Hillary had forbidden us to visit, he wrote us this swell letter:
Dear Friend,
The crazed left-wing "tree hugging" liberals don’t want you to be rich!
To be fair, most of us crazed left-wingers are too busy having butt sex with potted plants to care about the personal fortunes of NewsMax readers.
They want you to believe that if you make a buck, some else loses.
And since Jason’s whole career revolves around making a buck off losers, he knows what he’s talking about.
If making money offends you, then stop reading right now - because that’s what this free course is about. Frankly, I’m not one of those "money is the root of all evil" liberals. I’m not a Birkenstock wearing hippy that lives in a grass hut.
That’s good to know, because I don’t even think NewsMax readers are dumb enough to take financial advice from someone who lives in a grass hut.
I think money is important in life. It’s what feeds your family, puts a roof over your head, and money is also what buys you luxuries and freedom in life!
So for years, the liberal media tricked NewsMax readers into thinking money wasn’t important, which is why most of them are flat broke and live in grass huts.
Why am I telling you all this? Because I specialize in making ordinary people, extraordinarily wealthy.
"I don’t know shit, about comma placement but I can STILL make, you RICH!"
I want to show you how to line your pockets with an additional $300,000 ? $500,000 per year (or more) with a NEW extremely profitable revenue stream. Give me a few minutes of your time, and in a FREE instantly-downloadable online course, I?ll show you a whole new approach to real estate investing that takes NO money, NO financial risk, and you can do it WITHOUT using your credit.
So Jason wants to tell us how to invest in real estate without using any actual money or credit. Since this violates just about every economic principle I can think of, I’m going to guess his plan either involves stealing or selling your children into slavery…
This will NOT take a lot of time! If you can ?afford? an extra 1-2 hours per week, you can easily add an additional $25,000.00 or more to your monthly income. (That?s $300,000.00 a year! What can you do with an extra $300,000.00 this year? Buy a new car? A new house? Pay off some bills? Take the family on that dream vacation? I?m sure you can make the list of things to do with your new found wealth!)
OK this doesn’t make sense. If everyone in the country followed Jason’s plan and made an extra $300,000 a year, government tax revenues would go through the roof, allowing us craaaaaazy liberals to fund all the zany tree-huggin’ social programs we wanted. So really, regardless of what he tells you, I *do* want you to take Jason’s advice.
This is NOT about personally guaranteeing any debt, either. You don?t need to spend any of your own money and you won’t risk your credit? If you don?t put up any money and don?t use your credit ? what do you have to loose? NOTHING!
You?ll learn how to make large 5-figure (and 6-figure) profits on every real estate deal you do? and you?ll get it all and get it in cash ? not wait for the money over time. And I can even show you how to put everything on autopilot so you only need to spend at most 1-2 hours a week.
"I can teach you how to spin gold from a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch! Then I’ll show you how planting magic beans in your great grandmother’s rotting corpse can make you a FORTUNE!"
At any rate, you can download Jason’s FREE real estate course here if you want. As for me, I think I’m gonna bow out. While the extra $300k a year sounds nice, I’m still scared about what Dan Rather and Hillary will do to me if they find out…
Nuclear Cop said,
March 23, 2005 at 3:23
Point:
You don?t need to spend any of your own money and you won’t risk your credit? If you don?t put up any money and don?t use your credit ? what do you have to loose? NOTHING!
Counterpoint:
As with any business endeavor, there is an inherent risk of loss of capital and there is no guarantee that you will earn any money.
B.R. said,
March 23, 2005 at 6:04
Very good research Nuke Cop-
I like this line in particular-
“Each individual’s success depends on his or her background, dedication, desire and motivation.”
Meaning, your success depends on the fact that you’re not an average NewsMax reader… but please send us money anyway.
merl said,
March 23, 2005 at 7:05
If it’s so great why is he not using it himself? I’m too scared of Hillary to find out.
PigInZen said,
March 23, 2005 at 14:21
To be a complete pedant:
From Dictionary.com -
loose ?? ?P???Pronunciation Key??(ls)
adj. loos?er, loos?est
Not fastened, restrained, or contained: loose bricks.
Not taut, fixed, or rigid: a loose anchor line; a loose chair leg.
Free from confinement or imprisonment; unfettered: criminals loose in the neighborhood; dogs that are loose on the streets.
Not tight-fitting or tightly fitted: loose shoes.
Not bound, bundled, stapled, or gathered together: loose papers.
Not compact or dense in arrangement or structure: loose gravel.
Lacking a sense of restraint or responsibility; idle: loose talk.
Not formal; relaxed: a loose atmosphere at the club.
Lacking conventional moral restraint in sexual behavior.
Not literal or exact: a loose translation.
Characterized by a free movement of fluids in the body: a loose cough; loose bowels.
adv.
In a loose manner.
And
lose ??P???Pronunciation Key??(lz)
v. lost, (l?st, lst) los?ing, los?es
v. tr.
To be unsuccessful in retaining possession of; mislay: He’s always losing his car keys.
To be deprived of (something one has had): lost her art collection in the fire; lost her job.
To be left alone or desolate because of the death of: lost his wife.
To be unable to keep alive: a doctor who has lost very few patients.
To be unable to keep control or allegiance of: lost his temper at the meeting; is losing supporters by changing his mind.
To fail to win; fail in: lost the game; lost the court case.
To fail to use or take advantage of: Don’t lose a chance to improve your position.
To fail to hear, see, or understand: We lost the plane in the fog. I lost her when she started speaking about thermodynamics.
To let (oneself) become unable to find the way.
To remove (oneself), as from everyday reality into a fantasy world.
To rid oneself of: lost five pounds.
To consume aimlessly; waste: lost a week in idle occupations.
To wander from or become ignorant of: lose one’s way.
To elude or outdistance: lost their pursuers.
To be outdistanced by: chased the thieves but lost them.
To become slow by (a specified amount of time). Used of a timepiece.
To cause or result in the loss of: Failure to reply to the advertisement lost her the job.
To cause to be destroyed. Usually used in the passive: Both planes were lost in the crash.
To cause to be damned.
v. intr.
To suffer loss.
To be defeated.
To operate or run slow. Used of a timepiece.
moonbiter said,
March 23, 2005 at 14:35
Hey I tried, his course, and it WORKED!!! Now I make $300-500k a year and my penis has TRIPLED in size too!
Matt said,
March 23, 2005 at 15:01
A similar pitch appeared in my in box a few weeks back, but the sender’s name was Archibald Wang and he was hawking toner cartidges.
chris said,
March 23, 2005 at 15:01
This is a pyramid selling scam, right?
tilda said,
March 23, 2005 at 17:08
I would find his business plan more believable ifn he moved to Nigeria and then contacted me. I only do this kind of business with my Nigerian busness partners. I know that the American ones are scam artists.
teh l4m3 said,
March 23, 2005 at 17:49
I prefer the program where I avoid the risks of weight training and bulk up like James Guckert on an all-semen diet.
Vestal Vespa said,
March 23, 2005 at 19:17
And you can buy all the cheap Xanax and porn and cut-rate mortgages and fake Rolexes you could ever want!
scoobie Davis said,
March 23, 2005 at 19:32
Yes, on my blog I recently noted an ad on NewsMax that had the following text “Imagine, No More heartbreak from women ever. . . using these forbidden attraction secrets the liberal media is terrified you’ll discover.” read about it here: http://scoobiedavis.blogspot.com/2005_03_01_scoobiedavis_archive.html#111040568870596492
and http://scoobiedavis.blogspot.com/2005_03_01_scoobiedavis_archive.html#111064943605014657
Thorlac said,
March 23, 2005 at 22:01
…double penis operation…Upon reading that, I instantly flashed back to the movie City Slickers and the quote “I’m happier than a puppy with two peters.” Here’s hope that Seb will be as happy.
B.R. said,
March 24, 2005 at 0:41
Thorlac-
Actually, if you read the article you’ll learn that Seb’s wife was horrified by the second dong, and now he’s getting it sawed off in an effort to win her back. He’d better hurry up, though, cuz I heard Judson Cox has the hots for her, and that man ALWAYS gets what he wants… (note: just kidding Mrs. Seb!)
Thorlac said,
March 24, 2005 at 17:11
They don’t call him Judson “Cocks” Cox for nothing, ya know. Nope, they call him that just to see him cry.And Brad, I think by now we all know that I don’t read anyone’s postings so much as I just giggle and type whatever my inner 8-year-old tells me at that moment. I thought that was pretty clear. Poop! Heh, heh…that never gets old!
mdhatter said,
March 25, 2005 at 14:10
Stupid winger.
It’s not MAKING the money that is bad, it’s what you DO with it.
Buying african diamonds for instance. pretty, bloody.
selfish twit, I be he owns a lot of gold, no, I will bet he SELLS a lot of gold….
and bridges.
Russell said,
March 26, 2005 at 21:24
It’s pretty clear what this is going to be. You will be instructed in the fine art of setting up a website and posting ads to sell exactly the same pitch to other poor slobs. I love a good pyramid scheme.
Jimbo said,
March 28, 2005 at 2:54
What a strange, contrarian universe these wingnuts inhabit. I am so confused.
“Hillary Clinton doesn’t want you to read this…” So it must be good then. Quick, read it before the Hildebeast can stop you!
Why does Hillary want me to be poor? What did I do to her? I don’t even know the woman for God’s sake. Jesus, can’t she leave me alone? I would be rich if the fucking Hillary just kept her nose out of my business. Why does she hate me?