• Theater employees probably took one look at the patrons and knew that even though it didn’t say it on their ticket, they were there to see the movie where people hit each other and things explode. I’m guessing it was the bumper stickers on their faces, or perhaps the racist anti-Obama buttons the men like to pin on their bare chests, that tipped them off.

• Those patrons who had a good time in the theater probably went home and said, “Man, I just about died when that little dog said ‘I have to doo doo’! Take that, Michael Moore!”

• When I asked the theater drone for a ticket to Hellboy 2, he gave me two tickets to Hellboy. Curse those liberals and their anti-Hell agenda!

• From reading the letters page where a commenter says that Little Miss Attila looks just like the big-eyed babe cartoon at the top of her web page, we can be fairly sure that they’re not too attentive to details and might have looked right at the words “An American Carol” and thought, “Shit, they gave me a ticket to that zombie movie!” (They were right, of course.)

• Little Miss Attila (“America’s Hun”) named the .357 “Bathsheba” because she hopes it will mate with her .38, “Solomon” and raise a little brood of derringers for her to love.

• The plan was for the movie to take in so much money that everybody would see that McCain is the right choice in November. And they would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those slacking kids and that dog!

Friday — 110%
Saturday — 110%
Sunday — 97%
Monday — 91%

My interpretation: The wingnuts did indeed paper the house for the opening of AAC.

(Data from Boxofficemojo. It is interesting that all the figures given for AAC are estimates, which I have never seen for a new movie on that site.)

The first clue was the smirk.

The reason there are Ellen haters is because there’s so much to hate. Jesus! I can’t stand that woman’s cutesy, irritating sense of humor. She’s a millionaire version of those secretaries that put cute cat posters on their walls.

The worst Ellen moment ever had to be that routine where she asked God why he created the flea, and pretended to have him on the telephone.

Jesus. Wept!

Damn! The more I thought about that, the more I had to grudgingly admire the filmmakers for their evil cleverness. Just think of what you could do with a mailing list of guaranteed suckers who will pony up actual money for jingo bullshit!

Liberal conspirators never sleep.

Goddamn liberal webmasters!

Several unexploded Scotsmen disagree.

Hilarious! All the cool kids were clamoring to get into this patriotism-lecture-festival, but they were denied but a false rating.

Hey, Zucker! The market has spoken! You lose!

Getting the wrong ticket happens all the time at the multiplex. Again, you just follow the signs and go to the theatre your movie is in. OR you know, explain to the cashier that they gave you the wrong ticket.

Signage: If they have the electronic marquees and there are a lot of theatres, sometimes you have to wait a minute for theatres 13-20 to flip over. I know when I went to get tickets for Kung Fu Panda, I had a mini-WTF moment when I couldn’t see it on the marquee. Must’ve been some conspiracy by people who hate pandas.

Likewise if a movie isn’t doing very well or isn’t expected to have high demand, they may only show afternoon matinees and leave the high ticket slots open for more financially sound offerings. And depending on your marquee system, movies that have already finished might not be showing up.

Posters outside: Reserved for the high ticket, high expectation movies. Hell, I’ve seen poster variants for things like Hellboy or XMen take up ALL the poster slots, when you know they are playing other things in the theatres as well.

Technical problems: Well, you know these things happen. Memorably, my viewing of Finding Nemo glitched right at a VERY dramatic moment, when the entire theatre lost power. Again, must be a conspiracy by people who hate clownfish. And turtles. And Ellen Degeneres. *

*I loved her turn in Finding Nemo. But you know…there’s an awful lot of Ellen haters out there. I wouldn’t put it past one of them to sacrificially capult themselves into the nearest substation in order to cause a power outage to keep people from watching Finding Nemo. It could happen.

Ten reported screwup from a nationwide release of a movie: YAWN.

Not to be a kerner about it, but after checking out the form’s source code and the follow-up page it clicks through to, I seriously doubt that the form submissions go anywhere.

Likewise, I think the e-mail address is probably unmonitored.

But I can easily be wrong about these things, so those of you who sent them anything, please report back if you got a reply.