North Korea starts building more nukes – McCain declares National Hug A Warhead Day!

Russia sends troops into Ukraine – McCain parachute jumps into Kiev to prove his gritty determination to stand up for Ukranians!

Gasoline prices rise to $6/gallon – McCain temporarily moves his office to ANWR until Congress approves drilling!

McCain proves the saying, ‘when the going gets tough… the tough turn weird!’

(but not in a good way, in his case)

…of your Soap Opera.

I can see Siberian methane plumes from my house, in Alaska.

Lol wat? Can we please have another Adam Yoshida shorter soon?

And finally, New Rule: If we can’t, after all is said and done, make this election go the right way, at least we can save one man. I’m talking about young master Levi Johnston. He’s the 18-year-old Alaskan hockey enthusiast who knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter, and the National Enquirer describes him as a “boozing pot smoker who doesn’t want to get married.” And John McCain thinks he found HIS soul mate.

You know, we’ve all recently seen how the evil henchmen of the Republican Party captured this poor innocent out of his natural habitat and forced him into a shotgun wedding. Because, when the 17-year-old daughter of the VP candidate is out to here, it’s just better that Levi was introduced as “the fiancee.” Looks a little less white-trashy.

But, that doesn’t change the fact that right now Levi is America’s number-one political prisoner. But, Levi, you don’t have to be. This is the 21st century at least in the blue states. You don’t have to do this. You have options. You can pull a – you know, a “Juno.” F*ck, you LIVE in Juneau!

Or you could do what most people do with an unwanted child: give it to Angelina Jolie!

And, look, if you’re worried about the baby, don’t. I mean, let’s get real, dude. The way you are, at 18, that baby is better off not being around you. You’ll wind up losing it or shooting it or–it’ll be on the bottom of your skate or something. Just – just let the Palin womenfolk look after it for a while. One more infant in that Mormon compound they call a house – won’t bother anybody. They will barely notice another kid at the table.

And soon they won’t even remember whose seed it was that produced young “Trink” or “Truck” or… Puck, or whatever f*cked-up redneck name the give it.

In any event, we here at “Real Time” have taken the liberty of purchasing the website, FreeLevi.org. There it is: “Free Levi.” And, it is yours to use if you want to use it to get folks to contribute to some sort of liberty fund so you can get enough money to get out of that frozen meth lab they call a town.

And even if the money doesn’t come in, it’s not too late. Just grab your skull bong–climb out the window and get on the highway. I can’t actually come and get you, myself, or even let you stay at my place, because I’m pretty sure you’d smoke all my weed.

But, just call me from the pay phone. I know of a safe house you can stay in until after the election. It’s – it’s like the witness protection program for baby daddies.

And, remember, Levi, California knows how to PARTY! Trust me, son, the girls out here are going to love a big, high-sticking farm boy like you. You play your cards right, in a couple of weeks, you could be screwing the lesbian right out of Lindsay Lohan.

This will play well with the base, but let’s be honest; McCain could go on stage and bludgeon a kitten to death with one of his spare $600 Italian loafers, and it will play well with the base.

I’m totally in favor of that IF it’s the NCC-1701-D, El Cid.

Leave me out of it. I’m damn tired already, and ain’t my election in the first place.

Love and kisses,

?!

To be honest, my second thought after reading that article (my first was “What? No, seriously, what?!“) was that if ever there was a time for Bristol to have a tragic-yet-convenient miscarriage…

So remind me again, when’s eighteen-year-old Levi Johnston being arraigned on statutory rape charges for having unlawful sexual congress with a seventeen-year-old?

(Mmmmmmm. Seventeen-year-old.)

That would be never, Jamey. Guess what the Great Gazoogle has to say about the age of consent in Alaska?

It just struck me … y’know, if Frank Zappa could’ve been well enough to seriously run as an Independant for president back in the late 80s, I’m pretty sure he’d have run a totally wild campaign (Jeezus, just imagine what that guy would’ve done with photo-ops & press-conferences!), & he’d've STILL come across as straight-laced & restrained compared to McCain.

Maverick, well, no.
Deranged Raving Sick-fuck Psycho, oh yes indeedy.