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Shorter Michael Gerson
- Bush’s willingness to be really fucking reckless, impulsive and stupid makes him a better leader than Obama or McCain will ever be.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
And if you don’t believe that Gerson’s actual article is as bad as my “shorter” makes it out to be, I give you this:
The financial crisis has resulted in a strange inversion of political reality. Each presidential campaign has proved less creative, interesting and bold than the administration they are both, in different ways, running against. Usually, just the opposite is the case. A sitting president normally must accept the boring constraints of real-world choices. Campaigns can inhabit the utopia of their own ambitions.
But it is President Bush and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, by proposing the massive government purchase of bad debt, who have assumed the mantle of Franklin D. Roosevelt. It is John McCain and Barack Obama who are playing the role of Roosevelt’s more timid, forgotten foils, “Martin, Barton and Fish.”
Except that, like, FDR taxed the living shit out of rich people in order to start up job-creation programs and the modern welfare state. Bush is using taxpayer money to bail out a bunch of dumb fucking rich people who fucked up our economy.
But other than that, spot-on comparison!
Arky The Islahomobamaist said,
September 24, 2008 at 13:19
Alternate Even Shorter Gerson: “Nom, nom, nom! Prezident’z weenie haz a flavr!”
N.C. said,
September 24, 2008 at 13:28
I can’t tell if that’s a combover or if Michael Gerson just really wants to look like a chunky Philip Oakey in Coke-bottle glasses.
El Cid said,
September 24, 2008 at 13:37
Hell! He’s right! We don’t got time to THINK, like you liberals love! We got to be bold!
Bush Jr. oughtta just send the Special Forces into Wall Street and TELL them to fix everything!
And if that doesn’t get them the message, he will have the Army empty out Fort Knox and HAND IT TO WALL STREET. Ha, I bet they’ll shut their mouths then!
Bold!
Brad said,
September 24, 2008 at 13:38
Bush Jr. oughtta just send the Special Forces into Wall Street and TELL them to fix everything!
Actually, I think I’d support something along those lines…
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
September 24, 2008 at 13:40
Wall St. has not given up their WMD.
Doesn’t the shrub doctrine have something to say about that?
Attaturk said,
September 24, 2008 at 13:41
Gerson’s “Bees Knees” Harold Lloyd influenced 1929 Haircut & Glasses goes perfectly with his political analysis.
owlbear1 said,
September 24, 2008 at 13:46
A sitting president normally must accept the boring constraints of real-world choices.
That right there is the fucking understatement of the decade.
Arky The Islahomobamaist said,
September 24, 2008 at 14:04
Yeah! We want a pResident that follows the Guns n’ Roses theory of leadership.
Hmm. Actually, when you consider the tracks … November Rain. Perfect Crime. Bad Apples. Dead Horse…
Uh. Oh.
El Cid said,
September 24, 2008 at 14:08
I don’t see why the President doesn’t just invent something that’s worth a quadrillion dollars. That would fix everything, and it would be bold.
anangryoldbroad said,
September 24, 2008 at 14:10
I’m normally not a violent person,but just looking at that picture makes me want to kick out his teeth. Just for the haircut alone. I’ve never seen anyone after the age of 5 with that stupid haircut.
If we live in a”consumer economy”,then what fucking sense does it make to completely annihilate that? I mean,if my money and assets are worthless,then theirs are too.
Not that I’m an expert or anything,but maybe it was a really fucking stupid and unsustainable idea to become a nation that doesn’t make it’s own stuff anymore. Kinda puts us at the mercy of other countries,ya know? I thought wingnuts were against that sort of thing.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
September 24, 2008 at 14:16
Jebus told Michael Gerson to spend the rest of his life licking shrub’s asscrack.
And Michael’s arms are too short to box with Jebus.
gravitybear said,
September 24, 2008 at 14:21
Throwing money, lots and lots of money, at Wall St makes Bush into FDR? He’s just fucking with us, right? RIGHT?
Oh. My. FSM. He’s serious.
I think I need to go lie down.
Nylund said,
September 24, 2008 at 14:23
El Cid. I was thinking a similar thought. How do you out-Bush Bush on this one? What does he want Obama or McCain to do? Asking for a trillion dollars, unchecked, was already taken. You can’t get too much crazier than that. Maybe Obama should have told Paulson to just have the treasury print up a single Gazillion Dollar Bill.
But I just can’t believe even Gerson is capable of overlooking the fact that maybe the US (and the world) not only wants, but needs a person who can make decisions that actually do confine themselves to the realities of the world.
We’re sick of these bizarro world rules where countries that have nuclear weapons and Osama Bin Laden don’t get attacked, but the ones that don’t, do. Where spreading democracy means bombing villages, and protecting the constitution means throwing out the bill of rights.
javafascist said,
September 24, 2008 at 14:24
Dear Michael Gerson,
While we appreciate the attempt you made to draw an apt comparison for question 1, it is our unanimous opinion that “George Bush stomps his feet and holds his breath until you give into his whims” is not an example of an interesting, creative or bold idea. In fact, we might be so inclined to suggest that it is a prime example of SSDD. Thank you for you effort, however. You still score a zero.
SAT Board
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
September 24, 2008 at 14:34
For one nickel, people!
Pope Ratzo said,
September 24, 2008 at 14:47
Thanks for the picture.
Mike Gerson is one heck of a good-looking man.
Woodrowfan said,
September 24, 2008 at 14:49
Gerson’s “Bees Knees” Harold Lloyd influenced 1929 Haircut & Glasses goes perfectly with his political analysis.
The sad thing is, that looks like an “official” photograph, so I suspect he thinks it makes him look good.
Susan of Texas said,
September 24, 2008 at 14:49
I have a great idea. Let’s give $700,000,000,000.00 to the people who got us into this mess in the first place!
We can’t lose!
Legalize said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:01
Bold!!
I heard that an Obama supporter put up a video on YouTube, in support of Obama.
/ Bold!!
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:11
I nominate Michael Gerson as being in need of a swift kick to the sack.
Arky The Islahomobamaist said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:11
With profuse apa-logees to Radiohead:
Karma police,
Arrest this squirrel.
His Hitler hairdo,
is making me feel ill.
Dragon-King Wangchuck said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:12
Mike Gerson is one heck of a good-looking man.
c. f.
http://www.nndb.com/people/353/000022287/
El Cid said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:13
I think we need more hard right wingers telling us about what “ideas” are and aren’t. Traditionally in society the really, really good “ideas” come from right wingers. Without them we wouldn’t have brought Democracy throughout the Middle East.
MaineMan said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:16
About that $700 billion –
1) it’s only a limit to the nominal amount of assets that Paulson can hold at any one time. IOW, he could buy $700B worth of the Big Shitpile and sell it for $600B, then buy $600B more and sell THAT for $500B, etc.
2) We don’t HAVE $700B; we’re gonna have to borrow it from someone.
3) The money will be leveraged into few trillion $$ worth of payments to the bookies to cover the gambling debts of the criminally insane mutherfuckers who created this mess.
4) The leveraged amount is ultimately paid for by pretty much the entire production of US workers for the next decade or two or three.
My proposal: Go ahead and borrow the $700B but give $2000 to every man, woman and child in the US with the stipulation that they spend at least a hundred bucks on torches, pitchforks and pikes suitable for mounting Wall Street Bankers’ heads on.
Gundamhead said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:18
Are there any righty assholes who aren’t totally hideous? And do they look so bad because of how evil they are? Or did they become evil because of how fugly they look?
Jennifer said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:20
Did anyone else see Clinton on TDS last night?
He basically said what I’ve been saying: the whole thing was caused by a flood of too much investment money into the mortgage market. Though he added to it to say that money could have been directed into developing technologies and other areas, if there had been any leadership. But (my editorial line) with two oil men in the White House, how likely was it that developing renewable energy tech was going to even be on the radar screen?
Jennifer said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:22
And do they look so bad because of how evil they are? Or did they become evil because of how fugly they look?
Yes.
I think this is what’s known as a “negative feedback loop”.
"Oh Stewardess, I Speak 'Nut" said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:28
What I wonder is where the Fed is getting the money for all these selective rescues and bailouts. Dollar bills don’t just grow on trees, you know. A trillion here, a trillion there, and pretty soon we’re talking about real money. From the way they throw it around, you’d think these Bush-Cheney people print their own.
tigrismus said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:29
Why oh why won’t his hair lay down flat? It looks like it’s afraid of his head. WAKE UP, CESARE.
Sarcastro said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:31
Obama, who pledged to bridge partisan divisions, is running one of the most liberal campaigns in American history. During an economic slowdown, he proposes a massive redistribution of wealth through the tax code; new mandates on business; and immense new government spending on health care, alternative fuels and public infrastructure.
And here I was thinking THAT was assuming the mantle of FDR. Thank you Mr. geershon for your
post-modern historical revisionismsteely neocon eye for True history that has set me right.PS said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:37
D-K W, that link was so unfair
Someone tell that loony Gerson that political pandering presupposes popular promises — it just doesn’t count if you only pander to the Great Washed One Percent
Buskertype said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:39
someone remind me why a 7BILLION dollar check to wallstreet is NOT a massive redistribution of wealth? Oh, right, it’s because wealth naturally resides in with the shaved-head-and-monocle crowd, not with the dirty-fucking-peasants.
actor212 said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:39
A sitting president normally must accept the boring constraints of real-world choices…
…but Bush can play with ponies while dreaming of his thousand acre ranch in the hills of Paraguay!
Dagoril said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:47
No, no, no…I see where Gerson is going with this. And he’s right! Bush is indeed responsible for the largest, most overwhelming expansion of government power and, government intruisveness into the lives of ordinary Americans since FDR. I’m still waiting for reich-wing heads to start exploding about Bush the Welfare Queen. I think we all know it will be a cold day on the Cheeto Plantations before that happens.
What Gerson neglected to mention was that Bush’s expansion only benefits the rich douchebags who destroyed our economy.
g said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:49
Maybe Obama should have told Paulson to just have the treasury print up a single Gazillion Dollar Bill.
That’s my favorite.
El Cid said,
September 24, 2008 at 15:57
actor212: Bush Jr. will not be heading for a ranch Paraguay.
Scott said,
September 24, 2008 at 16:01
I’m almost looking forward to the coming economic collapse. All those Republicans, raised for so long on “As long as we bleat it loud enough, it is true, no matter how fucking impossible” and “The good times will never end” and “We heroic supermen of the free market are the true masters of the world” — I think I’ll enjoy watching them getting shotgunned by roving gangs of mutants.
Or I would enjoy it if I weren’t likely to be selling my ass for edible squirrel meat. :/
henry lewis said,
September 24, 2008 at 16:03
Heh. The comment section to Gerson’s WaPo stinkpiece is a unanimous torrent of ridicule and scorn.
Come the
revolutionreturn to sanity, how will we best employ this man’s talents?bago said,
September 24, 2008 at 16:20
Bush just needs to CG some dolphins in his SOTU, and it will be perfect.
sagra said,
September 24, 2008 at 16:25
“Hurl” rhymes better with “squirrel”. Just sayin’.
D.N. Nation said,
September 24, 2008 at 16:37
Say what you will about what President Obama will be able to accomplish, but one thing we can all agree on is that he’ll bring back some actual attractive people to the White House. The right-wing bureaucracy these days is seemingly entirely populated by people who get their visual cues from the high stylings of Renew America. I mean, really- that haircut? Those glasses? And you seek to be respected, sir?
Yes, that’s all very lookist of me, but shut up, that’s why.
purvis ames said,
September 24, 2008 at 16:40
My favorite quote from Gerson’s maunderings: “Mankind perishes. The world grows dark. McCain calls for a review board.” And Obama too. What’s the matter with these people? Damn the torpedoes! Just fork over the 700 billion right now or you will be eternally damned!
actor212 said,
September 24, 2008 at 16:53
El Cid:
,a href=”http://www.cco.net/~trufax/general/bush_family_paraguay_hideaway_up.html”>Sadly, yes he is
Ok, not so sadly.
actor212 said,
September 24, 2008 at 16:53
Dammit!
Clicky link
MzNicky said,
September 24, 2008 at 17:25
Obama, who pledged to bridge partisan divisions, is running one of the most liberal campaigns in American history.
Yes, and it’s about damn time someone did. I’m sick to death of these criminals continuing to use “liberal” as if it’s a dirty word. Fuck ‘em all.
BTW, I’d like to note, once again, that the intention of the bailout isn’t to preserve rich Wall St. assholes’ lifestyles. It’s to ease up the credit crunch and help keep businesses going so hundreds of thousands of people don’t lose their jobs and so the stock market doesn’t finally plunge down to 0.
jim said,
September 24, 2008 at 17:37
- but heck, why not stick with BushCo’s metamorphosis / levitation / immortality / magic-spirit approach? It’s working out SO well right now, after all! Oh, & I’m NOT exaggerating here, either: these are the folks who say “we create our own reality” with a straight face – & the trouble is, they’ve bought into their own horseshit. They’re so committed to it now that the only way they’re going to be looking the gift-horse in the mouth is if the gift-horse does a 180.
Must’ve missed the chapter in my history books where FDR forked over circa a TRILLION FUCKING DOLLARS to the snake-oil brigade in late 1929 …shitsicles.
Worst. Analogy. Ever.
MaineMan said,
September 24, 2008 at 17:42
MzNicky -
Would that be the same stock market that, for the past dozen years or so, has posted some of its biggest one-day gains on the news that some major corporation or other has downsized or off-shored another umpty-thousand jobs? That one?
MzNicky said,
September 24, 2008 at 18:02
Yes, that would be the one. Crazy, huh?
Susan of Texas said,
September 24, 2008 at 18:20
Megan McArdle said it’s okay if the dollar crashes because “90% of our production [is] bought and sold domestically.” And then she says, “What am I missing.?”
Her shit cracks me up.
heydave said,
September 24, 2008 at 18:23
What a fucking asshole.
(Sure, I could have waxed on in a more erudite fashion, but no thanks.)
WereBear said,
September 24, 2008 at 18:36
I would love to believe you, but it does not jibe with Paulson’s testimony that if we do not sweeten the deal enough, some of the people threatened with meltdown will refuse to join.
So just how damn urgent and scary and oooga-booga is it?
tata said,
September 24, 2008 at 18:38
I too hate waxing.
Strider said,
September 24, 2008 at 18:56
He needs a total makeover. His current look screams “Please punch me in the face!”
OB-GYN Kenobi said,
September 24, 2008 at 18:58
That dude approached me in an airport bathroom. And he was f’n creepy, too.
Baron Von Moneypants said,
September 24, 2008 at 19:01
Won’t someone think of the Cheneys?
FlipYrWhig said,
September 24, 2008 at 19:08
I’ve never seen anyone after the age of 5 with that stupid haircut.
Worst. Tony Hawk poser. Ever.
J— said,
September 24, 2008 at 19:52
Gerson’s column has a strong authoritarian undercurrent, with its insistence that deference must be given proposals made by the president or presidential candidates (in the event that these show the Super Plus Maverickality displayed by the current president) because only kookery comes from Congress.
Aaron said,
September 24, 2008 at 20:19
Megan McArdle said it’s okay if the dollar crashes because “90% of our production [is] bought and sold domestically.” And then she says, “What am I missing.?”
God Herself doesn’t have time to answer that question.
actor212 said,
September 24, 2008 at 20:19
(Sure, I could have waxed on in a more erudite fashion, but no thanks.)
Now show me Sand Da Flor!
Lesly said,
September 24, 2008 at 23:57
Shorter, shorter Gerson: “I need a hairstyle.”
John Dickerson said,
September 26, 2008 at 5:16
What a dick! Is he gay? I hope not!