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Sep
10

Two-Minute Townhall




Posted at 18:58 by HTML Mencken

Shorter Ben Shapiro: MTV manufactures its own market of porn-loving sluts.

Shorter Cal Thomas: Of course bipartisanship is date rape, so instead of us ‘reaching across the aisle’ to them, I think they owe us a reach-around.

Shorter Austin Bay: Turns out it’s actually better that we didn’t kill or capture Osama bin Laden.

Shorter John Stossel: Pharoah Obamanaten will totally wreck the economy with his so-called “green” pyramid schemes.

Shorter Jacob Sollum: As a libertarian, I lament the insufficiently laissez-faire platforms of both major parties.

Shorter Walter E. Williams: The American Bar Association, for wickedly demanding more student diversity, might just as well have burned a cross on the yard of the George Mason School of Law.

Shorter Tony Blankley: It’s alive! It’s aliiiive!

Shorter Kathleen Parker: Can’t uppity negroes and dirt-eating rednecks just get along?

Shorter Terence Jeffrey: Joe Biden’s voting record demonstrates a tolerance of every point of view apropos the abortion issue except the intolerant one.

Shorter Jonah Goldberg: Sarah Palin’s rubber, Obama and his hacks are glue; Sarah’s covered in Teflon, Biden’s got squirrels in his pants, and Obama just double-dribbled the basketball. Yeah. So, there.

Shorter Michael Medved: Obama is both like and unlike Abraham Lincoln, which is to say that compared to Lincoln, Obama is total crap.

42 Comments »

  1. The Truth said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:03

    I’m sorry I ever hung out with the ClownHall types. I’m just…so sorry.

  2. comsympinko said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:05

    Stupid overload. Signing off and heading for the tub.

  3. Josh Marshall said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:11

    I think that’s Virgin Ben’s best column evar

  4. commie atheist said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:15

    Alt. Shorter Tony Blankley: Sarah Palin puts lipstick on the pig.

  5. Olexicon said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:18

    Shorter The Truth

    “I have nothing signifcant to add so I will whine about you”

  6. Thomas Allen said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:19

    Josh?

  7. commie atheist said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:24

    Sorry, Truthy, but even wankers like Joe Klein and Andy Sullivan have fallen off the Straight Talk Express and are seeing your candidate for the scumbag he is:

    Back in 2000, after John McCain lost his mostly honorable campaign for the Republican presidential nomination, he went about apologizing to journalists–including me–for his most obvious mis-step: his support for keeping the confederate flag on the state house.

    Now he is responsible for one of the sleaziest ads I’ve ever seen in presidential politics, so sleazy that I won’t abet its spread by linking to it, but here’s the McClatchy fact check.

    I just can’t wait for the moment when John McCain–contrite and suddenly honorable again in victory or defeat–talks about how things got a little out of control in the passion of the moment. Talk about putting lipstick on a pig.

    http://www.time-blog.com/swampland/2008/09/apology_not_accepted.html

    Yes, McCain made a decision that revealed many appalling things about him. In the end, his final concern is not national security. No one who cares about national security would pick as vice-president someone who knows nothing about it as his replacement. No one who cares about this country’s safety would gamble the security of the world on a total unknown because she polled well with the Christianist base. No person who truly believed that the surge was integral to this country’s national security would pick as his veep candidate a woman who, so far as we can tell anything, opposed it at the time.

    McCain has demonstrated in the last two months that he does not have the character to be president of the United States. And that is why it is more important than ever to ensure that Barack Obama is the next president. The alternative is now unthinkable. And McCain – no one else – has proved it.

    http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2008/09/mccains-integri.html#more

    The desperation is showing, and it’s starting to stink like old fish wrapped in newspaper. Your bounce is about to experience the effects of gravity.

  8. Dr.BDH said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:38

    Shorter Tony Blankley: We’ve thrown Bush and Cheney under the bus. Yea for us!!!11!11

  9. The Truth said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:40

    You’re not the real Truth. I am!

  10. The Truth said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:40

    Nuh-uh! I am!

  11. OB-GYN Kenobi said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:40

    Shorter Truth: “My hemorrhoids are acting up. Can I scratch them in here?”

  12. Cangrejero said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:41

    Of course, all of this is utterly predictable. MTV has a tremendous stake in the increased promiscuity of American teenagers — that promiscuity allows them to purvey their pornography on the airwaves without fear of public backlash. If teenagers were abstinent, parents would surely rebel against MTV’s poisonous filth. But by pushing slutty behavior, they inure [sic] parents to the inherent risks of degrading material. After all, if Johnny is already having sex, what does it matter whether he watches Britney kiss Madonna on MTV?

    That is the stupidest thing I’ve read all week.

    I can’t imagine what it would be like to have the lack of integrity it takes to write something so utterly inane.

  13. Arky - Chuthuhlusexual said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:41

    Dear Mr. Marshall,

    Your shorters do the denizens of Clown Hall a disservice by making them seem intelligent and concise.

    Plus they’d never be funny enough to come up with “Blue Suede Poo.”

  14. Cangrejero said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:43

    I mean really, what’s the difference between that and some like

    “CSI has a tremendous stake in the increased bloodthirstiness of the American people. That bloodthirstiness allows them to purvey their rape and murder stories on the airwaves without fear of public backlash. If people were non-murderers, parents would surely rebel against CSI’s poisonous filth….”

    moron.

  15. Dr.BDH said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:44

    Shorter Ex-Virgin Ben: I see your pregnant teenage VP candidate’s daughter and raise you a tight-garbed former dope and sex fiend!

  16. sagra said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:45

    Faux Truth, I’m sure there are many excellent conservative snark sites out there that can fulfill your every desire.

  17. Josh Marshall said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:52

    Plus they’d never be funny enough to come up with “Blue Suede Poo.”

    Alas, neither was I.

  18. mat said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:55

    Obama says enough is enough!

  19. commie atheist said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:57

    Is Ben still a virgin?

    And at the end of the day, those teenagers who do succeed in upholding their standards are, by and large, the happiest people in the world. They don’t enter marriage with the baggage of past relationships; they don’t get STDs; they don’t need abortions or adoptions. They have a lower suicide rate and experience depression less than their peers. They are able to share their first sexual experience with someone they love without fear of abandonment. And they give the greatest gift of all to their spouses — the gift of their purity, their pre-commitment to the success of their marriage.

    So true. Before MTV, no one had sex outside of marriage, or had STDs, or abortions, or adoptions, or committed suicide or had depression, or were abandoned by their first sexual partners. No, none of that stuff ever happened. Bad, bad MTV!!!!

    That’s a very interesting fantasy world you llive in, Ben. Oh, and…

    Bristol Palin.

  20. actor212 said,

    September 10, 2008 at 19:59

    MTV manufactures its own market of porn-loving sluts.

    Think of it as capitalism in action, VBen…now deal with it, pigdog!

  21. Ripley said,

    September 10, 2008 at 20:01

    And at the end of the day, those teenagers who do succeed in upholding their standards are, by and large, the happiest people in the world. They don’t enter marriage with the baggage of past relationships…

    They enter marriage with a healthy fear and disgust for their own bodies, the way God intended. I’m still dumbfounded that God created the male body in such a way that we have to touch our tallywhackers to take a pee. It must be a test of our faith.

  22. sagra said,

    September 10, 2008 at 20:03

    So how many hours of “research” do you think went into Ex-Virgin Ben’s article on MTV pr0n?

  23. Sarah Palin's Political Statements said,

    September 10, 2008 at 20:07

    You peons may read the speeches that some guy wrote for me if you want my lies – I mean, positions on issues.

    I am off to go ban some books, have sex with somebody, and get more earmarks.

  24. Buskertype said,

    September 10, 2008 at 20:18

    I strangely agree with the general thrust (heh) of his article that MTV is evil. Not because I object to teenagers having sex though.

  25. noen said,

    September 10, 2008 at 20:29

    Sarah Palin’s rubber

    Heh, indeed.

  26. Tagg said,

    September 10, 2008 at 20:38

    Don’t want your head to explode? Then don’t read this post.
    http://www.tagg-lines.com/2008/09/timing-is-everything.html

  27. actor212 said,

    September 10, 2008 at 20:39

    I’m still dumbfounded that God created the male body in such a way that we have to touch our tallywhackers to take a pee.

    Personally, I think the Republicans are in that detail. Who else would put a food source so close to a sewer?

  28. Saul said,

    September 10, 2008 at 20:44

    My poor liberal friends. Still a month and a half away from the election and John MCain is already showing a substantial lead in the polls.

    Around this time in 2004 John Kerry was shown to be winning by a wide margin. And we all remember how that one turned out now don’t we? Heck every modern election has shown the Democratic candidate to be winning around this time. That only goes to show how badly Obama bin Biden is going to be crushed this election.

    The American people have spoken and they don’t want a far-left babykiller with a muslim background as President. McCain has substatial leads with Independents, men, whites, evangelical Christians and gunowners.

    Heres the proof.

    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,420361,00.html

  29. Shorter Town Hall bloggers said,

    September 10, 2008 at 20:58

    I’m glad Palin is here. Jacking off to KLo was getting a bit tiring.

  30. rotten mcdonald said,

    September 10, 2008 at 21:01

    so, as I understand it, in all the recent elections, the person leading the polls at the end of summer loses.

    McCain is ahead in the polls I link to.

    Therefore, Obama will lose?

    Must be a high school troll who cheated to pass Freshman algebra.

    FAIL. KTHXBAI.

  31. ahem said,

    September 10, 2008 at 21:12

    Dear Virgin Ben: Russell Brand wouldn’t fuck you with the Jonas Brothers’ dicks.

  32. Dreamweasel said,

    September 10, 2008 at 21:15

    Around this time in 2004 John Kerry was shown to be winning by a wide margin. And we all remember how that one turned out now don’t we?

    The guy with the substantial lead in the polls lost the election?

  33. ahem said,

    September 10, 2008 at 21:19

    Is Ben still a virgin?

    One can presume that Mrs Virgin Ben still thinks so. (See Eddie Izzard’s Dress To Kill for the conversation.)

  34. jim said,

    September 10, 2008 at 22:59

    Yay! Jonah Goldbrick Strikes (Out) Again!

    Der Pantload goes for the basketball metaphor – & beats it to death with a tire-iron. But the real comedy is in the comments, where some genius glibly intones about how “Biden is contemplating debating Palin, & soiling himself” – someone needs to cut down on the crystal meth there. The moment Biden takes her off her script & she gets that deer-in-the-headlights look, or worse, goes feral & starts foaming at the mouth, Caribou Barbie is going to look more like Howdy Doody – or a Dalek in drag. The kind of sneering, ugly stupidity she oozes may go over among the faithful, but that all-important Wishy-Washy vote won’t be so eager to lap it up.

    Speaking of reality issues: Saul, when you say “here’s the proof” & then link to Fox News’ website, you may as well put a teeny-weeny tiara on your dick & say “here’s the Queen Of England” – it’s exactly THAT logical.

    Said it before & I’ll say it some more: polls are bullshit, & precentage-polls for Presidential Elections are the worst bullshit of all. They’ve already been busted for excessively polling GOP voters, & STILL can’t get the full benefit from doing so – because (not unexpectedly) some of those people are switching sides. That’s the reality behind those numbers everyone’s getting so huffy about – & for a candidate who needs to GAIN votes, it’s an omen of doom.

    Check back in a month & see if anything remains of McCain’s post-con bounce – if not, he’s playing Fail-Ball with no goalie, because any candidate worth a bucket of spit can hold the bounce from the last Convention for a month. If I’m not mistaken, McCain’s will have evaporated by then, proving that he should’ve retired years ago.

  35. actor212 said,

    September 10, 2008 at 23:20

    The Truth’s slip is showing.

  36. Smut Clyde said,

    September 10, 2008 at 23:24

    you may as well put a teeny-weeny tiara on your dick & say “here’s the Queen Of England”
    I am so going to try that. It’s Queen’s Garden Party time!

  37. jim said,

    September 10, 2008 at 23:33

    I am so going to try that. It’s Queen’s Garden Party time!

    You’ll find suitable co-starring roles for Prince Charles & Prince Ha(i)rry immediately below “Her Majesty” … just be very careful when pinning those medals on them. In fact, I’d recommend going with duct-tape instead.

  38. DocAmazing said,

    September 10, 2008 at 23:42

    “Balls!” said the Queen, “if I had ‘em, I’d be King!”

    Well, now she just might…

  39. Arky - Chuthuhlusexual said,

    September 11, 2008 at 0:16

    I’m still dumbfounded that God created the male body in such a way that we have to touch our tallywhackers to take a pee.

    Personally, I think the Republicans are in that detail. Who else would put a food source so close to a sewer?

    Thanks. Really. I’ve been wanting a new damn keyboard anyway.

  40. The Victims of al-Kayeedah in Bali, Madrid, London, et al. said,

    September 11, 2008 at 1:54

    “Turns out it’s actually better that we didn’t kill or capture Osama bin Laden.”

    We beg to differ.

  41. "Oh Stewardess, I Speak 'Nut" said,

    September 11, 2008 at 1:56

    “Turns out it’s actually better for the Republican Party that we didn’t kill or capture Osama bin Laden.”

    Fixillated.

  42. Righteous Bubba said,

    September 11, 2008 at 5:58

    Ben:

    It’s always so easy to make fun of teenagers who want to remain abstinent until marriage. They receive the ire of their peers for their scruples. They are pilloried as closet homosexuals, geeks and nerds.

    The homosexuals geeks and nerds got some lovin’. Sadly, you did not.

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