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Brent Bozell watches blow jobs on television so that you don’t have to:
The lame, recycled “90210″ opened with — an oral sex scene … five minutes into the family hour, at 8:05 p.m. Eastern time. That’s 7:05 p.m. Central, when teens have just finished supper.*
Sadly, our favorite media critic didn’t tell me this important information in time to set my TiVo. Do you think I missed seeing close ups of throbbing manhood and a money shot? Sadly, no.
[Viewers] were introduced to the refurbished show’s brand-new teenager characters by having a girl walk up to a car in the school parking lot on the first day of school, and find her love interest in his car with a sort of panicked, yet winded reaction. Then up came another girl’s head from his lap.
That’s it? Personally, I think Bozell is a dirty old man with a filthy mind. How does he know for sure what that girl was doing with her head in the boy’s lap? She could have been napping after all. Perv.
Obviously, this show is high on over-the-top shock and low on authenticity if it thinks that in broad daylight, at school bus-unloading time, teenage boys are having sex in the driver’s seat of their cars.
Either Bozell was never a teen-age boy, which is a distinct possibility, or, more likely, no one ever showed much interest in giving the pimple-ridden Bozell a BJ when he was a teen.
Interestingly, Bozell rails about the trashy, sex-strewn plot of a minor show on a minor network and the effects it will have on the youth of America without once mentioning the trashy, sex-strewn soap opera that was unfolding on network television last week during prime time in front of millions of teenagers. Frankly, the teenage pregnancy of Bristol Palin at the, er, hands of a raffish redneck hockey player — admit it, you’d do him in the back of a Camaro too — will do more to corrupt the morals of American teenagers than any show on the CW network. Why isn’t Bozell pointing that out? Huh? Huh???
*Another useful revelation from Bozell: teenagers all eat “supper” at the same time. Even more amazingly, they apparently eat supper based on GMT and irrrespective of the actual time in their local time zone.
LittlePig said,
September 7, 2008 at 14:51
Wait, I know this story. It’s about 3000 years old, fellow named Aesop wrote about it…
It’s all about the envy with these guys.
mat said,
September 7, 2008 at 15:04
Wait a minute? Is Brent jealous of the boy getting the bj or the girl giving it?
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
September 7, 2008 at 15:10
That’s Media Research we can believe in, my friends.
She said, She said,
September 7, 2008 at 15:20
Wellllll……
Sugar in the Morning,
Sugar in the Evening,
Sugar at Supper Time…
El Cid said,
September 7, 2008 at 15:25
Duh. Giving a BJ in the parking lot won’t gain that girl a precious new life to choose and gestate and therefore no way of getting her politician mother to make sure that marriage now follows. Why do you secular Satanists not see the difference?
David said,
September 7, 2008 at 15:25
Obviously, this show is high on over-the-top shock and low on authenticity if it thinks that in broad daylight, at school bus-unloading time, teenage boys are having sex in the driver’s seat of their cars.
Damn right – what do they think back seats are for?
rkrider said,
September 7, 2008 at 15:28
I think Brent need to look into this
rkrider said,
September 7, 2008 at 15:30
need = needs
Arky The Islahomobamaist said,
September 7, 2008 at 15:48
No I think his concern is solely for the teens living on CT because they’re still pure and unsullied by the idea of BJs and other premaritial hanky panky. Kids living on ET and PT are all dirty sex fiends due to time contamination caused by sharing a time zone with states on the coast. He forgot about MT and we all know its too late for kids living on Alaska Standard Time.
DrDick said,
September 7, 2008 at 16:00
OK. Obviously nobody ever gave Bozell a blowjob and either he was never a teenager (a real possibility) or his mind was wiped when he turn 21 (which would explain a great deal). What is it with these Gooper wankers and their obsession with the kinky (preferably adolescent) sex that they profess to abhor.
Ken Lowery said,
September 7, 2008 at 16:12
Actually that did happen to me my senior year. I’m not Studly McStud, but.. yeah. OH SHIT AM I SCRIPTED BY A SPELLING?
owlbear1 said,
September 7, 2008 at 16:23
If I understand the reasoning, Palin “supervised” Bristol during her insemination so that makes everything OK! Its really All about “supervision’. Good teenagers follow adult ’supervision’ while doing the nasty.
Brent is daydreaming about the job.
crossbuck said,
September 7, 2008 at 16:34
Gee, owlbear1, you make it sound like a calculated mating of a bull and cow out in the pasture…sounds about right.
g said,
September 7, 2008 at 16:39
Obviously, to Brent, its highly unlikely kids are giving other kids blow jobs in cars in broad daylight. but if they see it on TV, they’re going to get the idea to start!
bklyn said,
September 7, 2008 at 16:41
brent forgot to mention that all teen BJ’s are the fault of the CLENIS!
MzNicky said,
September 7, 2008 at 16:44
I’m sure Mr. Bozell’s free-associative mingling of oral sex and supper was entirely coincidental.
bago said,
September 7, 2008 at 16:56
OH SHIT AM I SCRIPTED BY A SPELLING
Indeed you are. Now rip that sheet out of the typewriter like a good little boy.
Me said,
September 7, 2008 at 16:58
I’m sure Mr. Bozell’s free-associative mingling of oral sex and supper was entirely coincidental.
Damn, that one just about leaped off the page, didn’t it?
JGabriel said,
September 7, 2008 at 16:59
Never name your daughter after a port town.
.
Marco said,
September 7, 2008 at 17:31
I need to slip into to something sexy and crank Slave to Love by Bryan Ferry before I read this column.
Yeah, that’s it. Give me the shame Brent. That’s it. Bad, naughty teens. Yes!
MzNicky said,
September 7, 2008 at 17:38
The “suppertime” thing also assumes that all across America happy nukeular families are gathered ’round the dinner table having their evening meal together, just like all families, especially with teenagers, do every single night of the week, with the nearby TV set tuned in to — what is it? The CW network?
This would indicate that not only did Mr. Bozell never have a teenagehood, the one he carries in his imagination is a 50s rerun.
noen said,
September 7, 2008 at 18:01
Palin “supervised” Bristol during her insemination
So… she was the fluffer then? Explains a lot.
WereBear said,
September 7, 2008 at 18:03
ALL of their imaginations are ’50’s era reruns.
Of course, with their total ignorance of Freud, they are blind to the clear implications.
If you have a truly happy family, the fictional families are interesting, perhaps, but not compelling.
However, for those growing under an oppressive thumb, it is their dream and fantasy. A loving mother! A wise father! Parents they can bring their problems to! And all wrapped up with sappy music and a tidy solution.
To me, it explains everything about them. If more people had happy childhoods, we would have less wingnuts.
That’s social engineering I can get behind.
Is it practical? Sadly, no. But I think this is key to their entire mindset.
That, and no one in their right mind wanting to sleep with them.
Dan Someone said,
September 7, 2008 at 20:12
The “suppertime” thing also assumes that all across America happy nukeular families are gathered ’round the dinner table having their evening meal together, just like all families, especially with teenagers, do every single night of the week, with the nearby TV set tuned in to — what is it? The CW network?
No, that’s not what he’s saying. He’s saying that all across America, happy nucular families gather round the dinner table at 6 pm on the dot, as soon as Dad gets home from work (and God help Mom if dinner isn’t on the table!), and that as soon as the meal is done at 7 pm on the dot, the teenagers all hustle into the den and plop themselves onto the couch, slack-jawed in their postprandial stupor, to watch TV tuned to the Fail Network (whichever one it is). Because THAT’S WHAT AMERICA IS ALL ABOUT.
And now those stupefied teens will learn about blow jobs, which they would never have even known about without those goddam Hollywood elites and their lousy remakes of formerly popular crap.
Mo's Bike Shop said,
September 7, 2008 at 21:12
So the eighties were more rockin’ than today?
And, actually, on the bus. I guess li’l Brent never got to go on field trips.
Candy said,
September 7, 2008 at 22:02
Oh my sweet FSM, where the hell was Brent during the 70s? In the mid-70s at my high school in Ottumwa, the lunch-hour parking lot was full of cars of kids smoking weed. The ones not toking on a doob were usually engaged in “making out” which frequently consisted of fairly major sex acts, up to and including the one in which young Miss Palin was apparently indulging. It’s amazing what you can accomplish sitting on someone’s lap, even in the front seat of a Camaro.
Erm, or so I’ve been told. I was usually in the cafeteria, eating my hot lunch and studying for my afternoon classes . . .
Jay Levitt said,
September 7, 2008 at 22:18
This dates to the early days of TV dinners, before microwave dishes and satellites. TV dinners were mostly made in New York, by the long-forgotten DelMonte network. 3 p.m. was too early for the West Coast folks to eat dinner, so the food would be reheated* for them. But Central and Mountain folks had to eat their TV dinners at 6 p.m. Eastern.
If you think that’s a pain, you should read about the way soap was distributed to housewives each morning..
* By the way, this is why California pizza is so thin. There was no time to wait for the dough to rise before carrying it across the deserts of Nevada, as it is said: “They baked the dough that they took out of [Ray's Famous Original Pizza], for it was not leavened, since they were driv[ing] out of [Manhattan] and could not delay.”
MzNicky said,
September 7, 2008 at 22:27
heh. heh-hehheh. Candy said she was “eating” her “hot” “lunch.”
~~~~~~~~
It’s always hilarious to me how oblivious these tools are that they’re saying more about their high-school ostracism than anything else when they “write” these sputteringly indignant screeds.
Candy said,
September 7, 2008 at 22:30
heh. heh-hehheh. Candy said she was “eating” her “hot” “lunch.”
I thought of that when I wrote it and wondered who would be the first to comment. ;-)
Teenage girls in the driver's seat said,
September 7, 2008 at 22:45
teenage boys are having sex in the driver’s seat of their cars.
He could at least pretend to be interested in what we’re doing.
sarah said,
September 8, 2008 at 0:10
dude, why would anyone who had someone else’s head in their lap sit in the driver’s seat? wouldn’t the steering column be in the way? i’m pretty sure that the passenger seat’s the place to be for car-based sexual encounters, if one insists on staying out of the back seat altogether.
Anonymous said,
September 8, 2008 at 0:28
I would like to share with you all the story of how I learned about blow jobs:
I was a pre-teen when the republicans and their media minions put Bill Clinton’s private business all over the news and my poor mortified parents had to explain it to me.
It isn’t just godless Hollywood liberals who put this stuff on TV. At least 90210 is something that is geared toward an older audience and not supposed to be for the whole family (like, say, the NEWS).
And to think, I may not know about oral sex to this day if not for republicans! Damn them for my lost innocense!
GumbyAnne said,
September 8, 2008 at 0:29
The anonymous comment was me. Oops.
Phoenician in a time of Romans said,
September 8, 2008 at 2:41
Actually that did happen to me my senior year. I’m not Studly McStud, but.. yeah. OH SHIT AM I SCRIPTED BY A SPELLING?
I dunno. Have you and your sibling’s sex partners ever had sex together? In various combinations?
If so, start looking for Tori in the near vicinity…
Dr. Melissa Debbie ShitMoathier said,
September 8, 2008 at 6:12
“Family hour”? Shit, that didn’t even exist when I was a teen (not that long ago, really). Once the food was down the hatch, everyone went their separate ways–and no, sex on TV wasn’t responsible for it, either. Try FRIENDS and HOMEWORK, Bozo-ell.
Michael Harrington said,
September 8, 2008 at 7:02
Brent spent a lot of his formative years in Francoist Spain, watching his fascist apologist father beam at the Generalissimo’s image on TV, so nothing else is really going to pass much muster in his mind.
jim said,
September 8, 2008 at 23:13
I could not, would not, in a Camaro -
Nor even in a used Ranchero.
I couldn’t & wouldn’t: I’m not gay!
My garden-gate does not swing that way.
Xopher.tm said,
September 9, 2008 at 4:54
She was inflating his autopilot.
And don’t call me Shirley.