Aug
26

Shorter Richard Cohen




Posted at 21:36 by Brad

Michelle Obama’s Sad Transformation

  • Gee, I wish Michelle Obama had given a fiery speech on race so I could have trashed her as an angry, bitter black woman; instead, I’ll just have to make do with trashing her as an insincere phony who hides all of her black rage for the sake of political correctness.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

72 Comments »

  1. Grendel's Advocate said,

    August 26, 2008 at 21:38

    Why do you have to keep putting his ugly mug up there. I would rather look at and listen to Michelle Obama any day.

  2. "Bruce" said,

    August 26, 2008 at 21:40

    My God, Cohen really is a vacuous douche bag.

  3. Gary Ruppert said,

    August 26, 2008 at 21:41

    Oooooooh.

    ooooh.

  4. commie atheist said,

    August 26, 2008 at 21:48

    Suck on it, old man.

  5. commie atheist said,

    August 26, 2008 at 21:53

    In other news…

    http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Politics/story?id=4919842

    In a presidential race marked by references to preparedness in the face of the 3 a.m. call, the revelation that presumptive Republican nominee Sen. John McCain has taken the sleeping pill Ambien during his travels raises concerns that the rare side effects of the medication could impair his judgment…

    Though rare, such side effects associated with Ambien have made headlines.

    Patients who claimed that they engaged in a bizarre variety of activities while asleep after taking the drug — from binge eating to driving their cars while asleep — lodged class action lawsuit in 2006 against Sanofi-Aventis, the maker of the drug.

    The unusual side effects of the drug once again made headlines a few months later, when Rhode Island Rep. Patrick Kennedy smashed his Ford Mustang into a barrier near Capitol Hill. He later released a statement saying that he had been disoriented by two prescription medications he had taken, one of which was Ambien.

    The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has uncovered more than a dozen reports of sleep-driving, all linked to the drug. Partly in response to such reports, the FDA urged sleep drug manufacturers on March 14, 2007 to strengthen their package labeling to include warnings of sleep walking, “sleep driving” and other behaviors.

    Who needs ratfucking? McCain is taking dangerous drugs that may impair his judgment and cause him to turn into a Kennedy! Woot!!!!!

    Oh, and FYWP, just in case.

  6. Anne Laurie said,

    August 26, 2008 at 21:53

    The transparent purpose of the speech, its kitchy effort to reassure, gave Michelle Obama a glaze of insincerity. In the post-speech commentary, many of the TV types, schooled now in empathy and not objectivity, gave her high marks for what she did.

    Shorter Richard “Caligula’s Horse” Cohen: “B*itch be stealin’ my style! Takin’ the artisanal crust right outa my expensively-maintained mouth!”

    Can’t blame a high-priced household pet like Caligula’s Horse Cohen for being alarmed at the possibility that its pampered lifestyle might be threatened by what it perceives as a newer novelty item. Its perceptions are wrong, of course, but only because a horse is not equipped to understand a universe more expansive than its own stable yard.

  7. Shorter MSM said,

    August 26, 2008 at 21:54

    You were DIYD, DIYD* all along, Michelle.

    * dammed if you did, etc

  8. commie atheist said,

    August 26, 2008 at 21:56

    More goodies from that ABC article:

    “Ambien should only be taken when you have a window of seven to eight hours for sleep,” Greenblatt said. “Your staff should know that you’ve taken the medication, and that you should not be involved in any decision-making during that time.”

    Fotinakes added that sleeping pills and other sedatives have been proven to be more potent in the elderly. In light of this, he said, “It may not be the best idea for the commander-in-chief to be under the influence when he or she may have to make a snap decision regarding national security in the middle of the night; Hillary’s so-called telephone call at 3:00 a.m.”

  9. christian h. said,

    August 26, 2008 at 21:57

    GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!!!!!

  10. Richard Cohen said,

    August 26, 2008 at 21:59

    Senility tastes like pancakes.

  11. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:00

    Awesome. I was looking for the “John McCain is so dreamy” line – and he waited until the end of his piece (of crap) to slide it in. Now I have proof for my theory – Dickie Cohen is The Truth!

  12. Gerald Curl said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:05

    This is a man who once wrote this:

    You will never need to know algebra. I have never once used it and never once even rued that I could not use it. … [S]ooner or later someone’s going to tell you that algebra teaches reasoning. This is a lie propagated by, among others, algebra teachers. Writing is the highest form of reasoning. This is a fact. Algebra is not.

    I think it’s safe to ignore his analysis.

  13. actor212 said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:06

    Right, Dickie, but Bush really was a “compassionate conservative”…

  14. The Raven said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:08

    For something really horrible, check out Jonah G’s latest at the LA Times. Putrid and horrible, just like all his stuff.

    His thesis is, far as I can tell, Obama is not a viable president because “I don’t like his VP pick.”

    Worthy item for an SN front pager.

  15. Not Richard Cohen said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:10

    Richard Cohen’s columns are all about one thing: Richard Cohen. The purpose of Michelle Obama’s speech was to give Richard Cohen the opportunity to show what an innovative Richard Cohen and inconoclastic Richard Cohen thinker and writer Richard Cohen is. Ms. Obama’s (Richard Cohen) “transformation” is sad because she didn’t show the proper respect for Richard Cohen’s wisdom and insight, and so, with sadness, regret, and immense regard for Richard Cohen, Richard Cohen must condemn the errant Ms. Obama, so that the non-Richard Cohens of the world can stand in awe of Richard Cohen’s intellect and sexual prowess

    Truly, Richard Cohen is a gift to us all

  16. LittlePig said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:16

    …side effects include sleep walking, sleep eating, sleep driving, sleep launching-nuclear-war…

  17. Smut Clyde said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:18

    Writing is the highest form of reasoning. This is a fact.
    This does not include “correct spelling of kitschy“.

  18. actor212 said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:20

    Truly, Richard Cohen is a gift to us all

    Indeed, I often stand in awe of his Dickitude.

  19. LittlePig said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:21

    “Writing is the highest form of reasoning. This is a fact.”

    God damn that’s some world class stupidity right there. Writing isn’t inherently *any* form of reasoning; even composition is fuzzy.

    Why on Earth is that man employed? Any number of people are going to read a column just to be reading it – you’d think newspaper editors would realize that. It’s not necessarily Cohen; sometimes folks just need to have something to read taking a dump. Fire that moron and hire a journalism grad – the grad will be cheaper with no discernible change in product.

  20. El Cid said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:27

    Testing. Testing. I’m getting the “Egad Die Spammer” and I have no idea why. No links, no swear words — unless “ad-lib” is not permitted now.

  21. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:32

    ad-lib

    Hahahaha no moderation for me, since I’m so immoderate!

    Seriously, Troofy is Richard Cohen.

  22. Lake Como's Bountiful Whores said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:35

    Cohen, he is, how do you say? A preek.

  23. Arky - Chuthuhlusexual said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:38

    Alternate Even Shorter Dick “Dick” Cohen: You can’t trust those people.

  24. Legalize said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:38

    Cohen is a national treasure. Of like [really sucky / bad / evil country] and shit.

  25. Grandjester said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:46

    It seems like these rethugs did not hear the same speech I did, but as several here have pointed out, no matter what Michelle said, there are far too many who would only hear “killwhiteykillwhiteykillwhitey” regardless.

  26. sagra said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:54

    Shorter Cohen: Woe, why must politicans and their wives stoop to addressing negative and hurtful canards? Why can’t they just ignore them and lose with dignity?

  27. Mr. Wonderful said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:55

    So, in not responding to the “canard” that she is a scary, angry black woman, and by declining to act scary or angry (thus proving the accuracy of the canard), she was “lobotomized,” which was not “reassuring.” By not discussing America as a seething cauldron of racism, she…uh…was false, which will result in McC winning.

    Won’t you give, so that we might some day find a cure for Slow Onset Dementia?

  28. J Neo Marvin said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:56

    You will never need to know algebra. I have never once used it and never once even rued that I could not use it.

    Tell it to your accountabnt, moron.

  29. J Neo Marvin said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:57

    (sigh)

    And your accountant, too, while you’re at it.

  30. Tim (The Other One) said,

    August 26, 2008 at 22:59

    I love the smell of desperation in the morning !

  31. Hoosier X said,

    August 26, 2008 at 23:00

    I like Michelle Obama a lot.

    The only way I could like her more is if she really did say, “Kill Whitey.”

    It’s not as if Whitey has never done anything to deserve a little criticism.

    (And I’m still trying to figure out when Whitey became such an objectionable slur anyway. It’s like, conservatives all of a sudden discovered political correctness – when it suited them.)

  32. Anne Laurie said,

    August 26, 2008 at 23:03

    Cohen, he is, how do you say? A preek.

    But not, from his writings, either a large or a competent one. That’s not the quality for which Caligula made his Horse a senator.

  33. Five of Diamonds said,

    August 26, 2008 at 23:03

    Cohen is justifiably upset…Betty Crocker killed his father.

  34. actor212 said,

    August 26, 2008 at 23:09

    even composition is fuzzy

    Now that’s juss using “fuzzy English”…heh heh, heh heh.

  35. ceabaird said,

    August 26, 2008 at 23:18

    The best solution would be to put Dick “Richard” Cohen in a hall of mirrors and watch him peck himself to death.

  36. Capt. America said,

    August 26, 2008 at 23:29

    I read that column and lost 5 IQ points from it. I’m going to sue the Washington Post for not warning me beforehand.

  37. jim said,

    August 26, 2008 at 23:31

    The best thing I can think of to say about his “op-ed” is that it’s short – just not nearly short ENOUGH.

    The transparent purpose of the speech, its kitchy effort to reassure, gave Michelle Obama a glaze of insincerity

    WaPo: too cheap to splurge on elitist luxuries like Spell-Check.
    Kitchy kitchy koo, Dick.
    Does either red meat or fish go with this whine?

    Politics can sometimes be ugly. In this case, we witnessed how a dynamic woman with a razor-sharp intellect had — for the moment — been lobotomized. If it happens also to her husband, John McCain will have one more house come January.

    … & then, panting & dripping with sweat, he had to get out his trusty pre-moistened towelettes to wipe down his glistening keyboard yet again, having found the only form of satisfaction left for an old wingnut: pure rhetorical overkill.
    Oh well, he mused – at least later I can auction off the towelettes over at Ace Of Spades HQ.

    He writes about as well as I ovulate.

  38. PapaJijo said,

    August 26, 2008 at 23:32

    You will never need to know algebra. I have never once used it and never once even rued that I could not use it.

    Yes, ignorance is bliss.

    Algebra teaches problem-solving skills. Those who are good at algebra are better at finding actual answers, rather than sitting back and giving their opinions on what they feel the answer “should” be.

  39. stryx said,

    August 26, 2008 at 23:36

    Shorter Rightie Rhetoric:

    I disagree with what the voices in my head tell me that Michelle said. Wait. What? Freedom!!!12!!

  40. Smut Clyde said,

    August 26, 2008 at 23:39

    put Dick “Richard” Cohen in a hall of mirrors and watch him peck himself to death
    That bears repeating.

    And though I am loath to turn all earnest & boring, far from writing being “the highest form of reasoning”, it is if anything a way of avoiding reasoning. It’s the highest form of self-deception. In my experience, writing is all about turning off the critical features of my mind, turning up the throttle on the speech faculties, and watching the sentences crystallise on the page. Then I read what I’ve written, and because it is (usually) grammatical and syntactical, I think “Gosh, that sounds convincing”, and end up believing some specious bullshit that I would never have taken seriously if it had come from someone else.

    This is the explanation for large parts of the history of German philosophy.

  41. mikey said,

    August 26, 2008 at 23:45

    This is perhaps the best explanation of the process I have ever read.

    Not reassuring in any way, just accurate…

    mikey

  42. Smut Clyde said,

    August 26, 2008 at 23:57

    For my next trick, I will explain the process of sausage-making.
    Sausage-stuffing is the highest form of reasoning.

  43. Trilateral Chairman said,

    August 27, 2008 at 0:09

    “You will never need to know algebra. I have never once used it and never once even rued that I could not use it. … [S]ooner or later someone’s going to tell you that algebra teaches reasoning. This is a lie propagated by, among others, algebra teachers. Writing is the highest form of reasoning.”

    Comical. The guy probably uses elementary algebra all the time without ever realizing it. I mean, what, does he never solve for an unknown quantity? Does he never plug values into an equation? Surely he must calculate interest, mortgage amortization, *something*.

    Then again, this is probably the sort of person who misuses the word “nonlinear” on a regular basis.

    “This is a fact. Algebra is not.”

    So algebra is not a fact? Alert Rene Descartes!

    Christ, if he’s going to privilege writing over math, you’d think he’d at least try to write properly.

  44. OneMan said,

    August 27, 2008 at 0:11

    “you’d think he’d at least try to write properly.”

    Sadly, no!

  45. Trilateral Chairman said,

    August 27, 2008 at 0:19

    And though I am loath to turn all earnest & boring, far from writing being “the highest form of reasoning”, it is if anything a way of avoiding reasoning. It’s the highest form of self-deception.

    Yep. Here’s a bit more of Cohen’s article:

    “Writing is the highest form of reasoning…. The proof of this, Gabriela, is all the people in my high school who were whizzes at math but did not know a thing about history and could not write a readable English sentence. I can cite Shelly, whose last name will not be mentioned, who aced algebra but when called to the board in geography class, located the Sahara Desert right where the Gobi usually is. She was off by a whole continent.

    It’s a passage that’s almost Goldbergian in the density of its stupidity. First off, this is a creature who thinks that regurgitation and reasoning are the same thing, which, comically enough, indicates that he can neither reason nor regurgitate a decent definition of reason.

    Second, his argument boils down to “Writing is the highest form of reasoning because some people can do math but can’t write.” That isn’t even an argument, but even if it were, it would only work if you *already* believe that writing is a higher form of reasoning than math is.

    You know, I almost wish he’d given us Shelly’s surname; I’d bet my Karl Rove voodoo doll that she’s doing something much more useful than Cohen is.

    Incidentally, I hate math, though perhaps that’s because I’ve been doing statistics all day.

  46. Jennifer said,

    August 27, 2008 at 0:23

    WTF? I am not a spammer!

  47. Jennifer said,

    August 27, 2008 at 0:23

    As I said before: Demented. Chinless. Beaver.

  48. jim said,

    August 27, 2008 at 0:27

    Smut Clyde @ 23:39 – you have read my mind.

    If I had little Terminator-style heads-up displays in my eyeballs, every time I hit “Submit Comment” there’d be two little displays:

    Enjoyability Factor : 75-85%
    Bullshit Factor : 80-100%

    Wise market players are investing heavily in rubber-boot, shovel & nose-plug futures.

  49. Crumpled piece of paper in Cohen's trash said,

    August 27, 2008 at 0:32

    The transformation of Michelle Obama from a bracingly proud contemporary woman — mother, wife, career woman — into a prime time Aunt Jemima was sad to see.

  50. Argonaut said,

    August 27, 2008 at 0:36

    Comparative Analysis:

    (1) Richard “Shorter Dick” Cohen: “I saw another man dance with Joe Biden’s wife, Jill. It was almost three years ago, on the terrace of the sublime Villa d’Este on the shore of Italy’s stunning Lake Como, and Biden watched, smiling broadly and sometimes laughing, as the man gracefully moved Jill around the dance floor. It was late, and the guests still there looked on keenly because Jill Biden’s dancing partner was very good-looking and very famous. He was John McCain.”

    (2) William “Do It Live!” Orally: “Say baby, put down that pipe and get MY pipe UP.” (Those Who Trespass, 1998)

    Hard times, hard choices.

  51. Smut Clyde said,

    August 27, 2008 at 0:45

    For some reason, Cohen’s “very good-looking and very famous” reminded me of Daisy Ashford.

    Mr Salteena was an elderly man of 42 and was fond of asking peaple to stay with him. He had quite a young girl staying with him of 17 named Ethel Monticue. Mr Salteena had dark short hair and mustache and wiskers which were very black and twisty. He was middle sized and he had very pale blue eyes. He had a pale brown suit but on Sundays he had a black one and he had a topper every day as he thorght it more becoming. Ethel Monticue had fair hair done on the top and blue eyes. She had a blue velvit frock which had grown rarther short in the sleeves. She had a black straw hat and kid gloves.

  52. Smut Clyde said,

    August 27, 2008 at 0:53

    Also, I look forward to reading “glaze of insincerity” in RB’s next recipe.

  53. ignatov said,

    August 27, 2008 at 0:57

    The only way I could like her more is if she really did say, “Kill Whitey.”

    And, also, “Soak the rich.”

  54. Richard Cohen said,

    August 27, 2008 at 2:28

    Where’s my oatmeal???

  55. rotten mcdonald said,

    August 27, 2008 at 2:45

    ummm, ignatov, I believe that’s ‘eat the rich’

  56. pat said,

    August 27, 2008 at 3:02

    So a woman can be either an accomplished professional or a loving wife and mother. And woe be unto her if the wrong one shows up to make a speech.

    And Cohen’s diatribe against algebra, for christ’s sake… How does this ignoramus stay employed? He’s worse than Andy Rooney, and nobody takes Rooney seriously.

  57. Twernt Nuthin said,

    August 27, 2008 at 3:03

    Mmmm.

    Soaked rich with a glaze of insincerity.

  58. Brandi said,

    August 27, 2008 at 3:49

    I think I found an error in one of the Richard Cohen sentences. Let me try correcting it:

    ” I can cite Shelly, whose last name will not be mentioned laughed at me when I asked her to prom THE CASTRATING BITCH, who aced algebra but when called to the board in geography class, located the Sahara Desert right where the Gobi usually is.”

  59. Brandi said,

    August 27, 2008 at 3:50

    Is there some reason that WordPress sucks so much that it refuses to acknowledge the strikethrough tag outside of preview?

  60. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 27, 2008 at 3:53

    Is there some reason that WordPress sucks so much that it refuses to acknowledge the strikethrough tag outside of preview?

    “Strike” as opposed to “strikethough” will work, as will drinking a lot.

  61. Gentlewoman said,

    August 27, 2008 at 3:56

    Young Visiters FTW!

    Dickie Cohen wishes that he had ever, or will ever, write something that good. Or that sensible, for that matter. What a tool.

  62. WereBear said,

    August 27, 2008 at 4:31

    I suppose people who cannot reason very well don’t see the point of reasoning.

  63. Brandi said,

    August 27, 2008 at 8:01

    It looks like <s> will show in preview but not actually render.

  64. Righteous Bubba said,

    August 27, 2008 at 8:02

    Strike!

  65. Dragon-King Wangchuck said,

    August 27, 2008 at 12:55

    Well to keep RB’s blood pressure down, here’s a handy Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V for you:

    <strike>[Your text here]</strike>

  66. Kevin Hayden said,

    August 27, 2008 at 14:15

    My God, Cohen really is a vacuous douche bag.

    Naw, he lacks a hose, any cleansing solutions and thinks a coochie is a lake in Florida.

  67. actor212 said,

    August 27, 2008 at 15:21

    Algebra teaches problem-solving skills. Those who are good at algebra are better at finding actual answers, rather than sitting back and giving their opinions on what they feel the answer “should” be.

    Papa, you’re talking about people who don’t believe in science.

  68. Trilateral Chairman said,

    August 27, 2008 at 15:44

    So a woman can be either an accomplished professional or a loving wife and mother. And woe be unto her if the wrong one shows up to make a speech.

    That, and they’re BOTH the wrong one.

  69. Richard Cohen said,

    August 27, 2008 at 20:27

    Seriously, where’s my oatmeal???

  70. SuperDave said,

    August 28, 2008 at 5:31

    I beg to differ with LittlePig’s assertion “Fire that moron and hire a journalism grad – the grad will be cheaper with no discernible change in product.” There would be a big change – it would be better.

  71. Lori said,

    August 28, 2008 at 16:12

    This thread was linked by Media Matters. The commenters on this site are the funniest people on the web. Kuduos to you guys, and thanks for the laughs.

  72. Son of Ed said,

    August 28, 2008 at 18:36

    It’s not clear how big a deal ought to be made of the Ambien story. John McCain and his spokespersons might just decide to use his “understandable” sleep deprivation and “perfectly-legal” use of doctor-prescribed medications as an all-purpose gaffe-eraser — even better than “Waddaya want from me? I was in a POW camp!”

    Example: “So I said Shunny when I shoulda said Sheeyite — I mean terrorist — I mean al-Qaeda… I can’t help it! I’m a drug-crazed Vietnam vet, like what you see on Starsky & Hutch! Pity me with your votes, if you have an iota of patriotism in you! You can be sure I’ll be on a better sleep schedule when I’m sleeping in the White House!”

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