Aug
23
23
Three Shorter Burt Prelutskys
… for the price of one:
- Would it kill these schmucks to show up before the soup gets cold already?
- Would it kill these schvartzers to stop stirring the soup with their schvantzes already?
- Would it kill this soup-schtupping schvartze schmendrik to stop schlepping around to schmooze all the schlimazels like we’re a bunch of schnooks with schmootz-covered schmeckels already?
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
August 23, 2008 at 0:35
I’m taking your word for it, D.A. Damn that’s funny.
Righteous Bubba said,
August 23, 2008 at 0:45
I must confess that I am spending an awful lot of time thinking about Barack Obama. I hasten to add that it’s not, as is the case with Chris Matthews, because the Senator sends shivers up my leg.
Mmm, shivers up your leg from Chris Matthews. Can the sweet release of Matthewsbation be far behind?
commie atheist said,
August 23, 2008 at 0:46
Beautiful.
If you read Burt’s first post, he complains about people not being punctual by telling an anecdote about a lunch date he had with some guy who…never showed up. Because he forgot about the date. He wasn’t late, you see, he just…forgot. And that explains why Burt hates people who aren’t punctual.
Burt’s pretty fucking old, isn’t he?
Ripley said,
August 23, 2008 at 0:48
That’s nothing! Some kids drove past my apt. last night with their car stereo set at a very high volume!
I’m not sure what song they were playing but I’m pretty sure I didn’t like it.
Righteous Bubba said,
August 23, 2008 at 0:49
Burt’s pretty fucking old, isn’t he?
In fact he is younger than Wrong Way McCain.
Inconstant Reader said,
August 23, 2008 at 0:51
I followed the links and read the whole megillah. Oy, gevalt! This alter kocker is clearly meshugge. He should live and be well, but the writing, genugg already.
D. Aristophanes said,
August 23, 2008 at 0:51
He also uses Marilyn Monroe as an example of tardiness … because, um, damn you, Marilyn Monroe for being late like 50 years ago!
Me said,
August 23, 2008 at 0:53
Johnny Unitas! Now there was a haircut you could set your watch by!
stryx said,
August 23, 2008 at 0:57
What kind of onion does Burt wear on his belt?
Jay B. said,
August 23, 2008 at 0:58
I think he doesn’t understand what people mean when they say the “Late Marilyn Monroe”.
Righteous Bubba said,
August 23, 2008 at 0:59
Of course, back then Shinola was shit and we were grateful.
justme said,
August 23, 2008 at 1:08
Are we certain this isn’t some mysterious “Intertube Bermuda Triangle” crosslink landing us in the Ed Anger archives at the Weekly World? ‘Cause late people make me madder than the kid who got the epileptic mohel…
justme said,
August 23, 2008 at 1:08
RB,
Luuuuuuuxury!
Gundamhead said,
August 23, 2008 at 1:15
“Every word out of his mouth suggests that America is being ground down by corporations when every sane member of the middle class is well aware that the Democrats, who have never met a tax increase they didn’t love or an illegal alien they didn’t see as a potential vote, and who promote class and race warfare as party policy, pose more of a threat to this country than the Soviet Union ever did.”
Day-um. That’s one hell of a sentence. In fact, this may be the most Townhall-est sentence ever.
“The fact is…”
Gary Rupert’s secret identity revealed!
“Hussein had all the WMD that Kerry, Kennedy and the Clintons thought he had, but had his chemical arsenal airlifted to Syria after the allied invasion began, in the hope of convincing the world that he was the innocent victim of American aggression.”
Sure he did. And after we invade Syria, Osama will have them shipped to Iran.
“On one notable occasion, during the primaries, he was heard to ask if he could just have a moment to finish his waffle. We all thought he was referring to his breakfast. But apparently that wasn’t the case because the man hasn’t stopped waffling yet.”
Oh snap!
“I’m never sure if he thinks he’s campaigning to be president of the United States or the Queen of England.”
Oh no, he DID-n’t!
“Funny, but “brilliant” isn’t the first word that comes to mind. But what do liberals know? They were also convinced that Jimmy Carter was intelligent.”
ZOMG! Barry Hussein pwnd!
Burt Prelutsky is an accomplished, well-rounded writer all right. No wonder he was able to land a job at prestigious Townhall.com
OneMan said,
August 23, 2008 at 1:19
Boy, that Obama, people say he’s smart but when he is asked questions he acts like there could be more than a simple black-and-white (heh) answer. Isn’t that stupid?
And black men! They’re lazy and shiftless. They run around impregnating women and then running off again, usually to jail until they get out and impregnate some other woman. That’s lazy. And shiftless.
And last night, there were a bunch of kids on my lawn. I had to go out on my porch and shoo them off. What’s wrong with kids these days?
OneMan said,
August 23, 2008 at 1:21
FYWP.
Arky The Islahomobamaist said,
August 23, 2008 at 1:25
The truth is, I refuse to click on the links because they can’t possibly be funnier than the shorters.
yet again, with the Cubs hat already said,
August 23, 2008 at 1:26
Nu, meh ken laybm, ober MEH LOYZH NISHT!
With the Oshry-punim, the Schlussel-punim, the blogs, they get views.
Loyz mir gehn, already. Oy.
OneMan said,
August 23, 2008 at 1:31
srsly. FY WFP. jeez.
MzNIcky said,
August 23, 2008 at 1:36
When history has proved that Carter was stoopid! Like that other stoopid liberal Demoncrat, Al Gore!, who also is FAT!! Plus Jimmah Carter is like OLD! I mean, other than winning Nobel Peace Prizes and shit, compared with other REAL ex-presidents, what have these stoopid guys ever done anyway? Stoopid liebruls.
Various oysterz and scallopz said,
August 23, 2008 at 1:39
MESHUGGA!
Joe Max said,
August 23, 2008 at 1:50
Dammit, Aristophanes! Why do I keep clicking on those links when I know what lurks on the other side. Now I have to gouge my eyes out with a spork.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
August 23, 2008 at 1:50
But what do liberals know? They were also convinced that Jimmy Carter was intelligent.
This, at the same time the rethugs are reaching back to pull the anti-intellectual card from their rear ends (yet again).
Me said,
August 23, 2008 at 1:51
MESHUGGA!
Oh, goyim goyim
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
August 23, 2008 at 1:53
I like oysters and scallops. They’re quite tasty.
Macaroon de Chocula said,
August 23, 2008 at 2:22
A megillah told by a nudnik, full of tsimmes and signifying bupkis.
phleabo said,
August 23, 2008 at 2:23
Nu, so why the goyische spelling of schmutz?
Candy said,
August 23, 2008 at 2:31
Scallops & Brussels sprouts stir-fried with a nice cilantro-scotch sauce! What’s not to love? Mmmmm
Blue Buddha said,
August 23, 2008 at 2:32
Yeah, I didn’t get that first “tardiness” article… it just goes everywhere with very little connective thought. Marilyn Monroe was late… um, so what? A guy never showed up for a scheduled lunch, and didn’t seem to care about it… but this has to do with tardiness how? I would understand Burt’s point if the guy did show up 30-40 minutes late and act like it was no big deal.
Geezer said,
August 23, 2008 at 2:34
Did you know Burt Prelutsky wrote the episode of Happy Days where Fonzie jumps over the shark?
Doctorb said,
August 23, 2008 at 2:36
Quickly, the Americans attack! We shall soon be overrun! Take our doomsday device and … give it to the Syrians for safekeeping!!!
Larry King said,
August 23, 2008 at 2:39
Hello, friends, just a few random thoughts from yours truly…. Five minutes with Walter Matthau is like 10 years in an Ivy League school…. It’s a shame what’s happening in Sarajevo…. There is nothing more pleasurable than spreading butter all over your chest and watching TV…. Don’t count out Olympia Dukakis in the 1953 Oscar race…. If you see my good friend Harry, tell him to give me a call…. Kudos to those fine folks who make Bugles so consistently delicious…. I just thought of a great question to ask Jan Michael Vincent…. Boy, do I hate this shirt…. What’s that guy over there doing?…. The Amish make fine houses…. I wish Freddie Prinze was alive today so we could both laugh
Blue Buddha said,
August 23, 2008 at 2:48
…actually he had the WMD arsenal teleported, because if his WMD “arsenal” was actually as huge and significant as the paranoid wingnuts think it was, the logistics of airlifting them without detection during the invasion is neigh-fucking-impossible.
Doctorb said,
August 23, 2008 at 2:55
Oh yeah, well, I’m sure that CNN saw the massive airlift but didn’t report on it because they hate America so much. But yeah, all that.
ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said,
August 23, 2008 at 3:22
Doctorb said,
August 23, 2008 at 2:55
Oh yeah, well, I’m sure that CNN saw the massive airlift but didn’t report on it because they hate America so much. But yeah, all that.
Teh USAF was busy targetting journalists and like, totally forgot about Saddam’s massive airlift capabilities.
jim said,
August 23, 2008 at 5:12
Saddam airlifting WMDs during the invasion is almost as boffo as the mythical spysat footage of them being trucked across the border right before “Schlock & Awe” - as the impotent US Army watched helplessly & did nothing to stop Syria from acquiring those deadly weapons.
Just remember, these are the same folks that originally justified Desert Storm with Teh Gospels Of Teh Murdered Kuwaiti Incubator Babies, butchered in cold blood by the Gestapoid Republican Guards while their evil cackles rang through the hospitals’ halls.
They sure must be smokin’ the good stuff, alrighty.
mikey said,
August 23, 2008 at 5:28
I have no idea why, but that really cracked me up.
Maybe I just need another drink.
If anybody can explain to me why it’s funny, call me on my eight hundred number.
mikey
Candy said,
August 23, 2008 at 6:21
Totally OT but happy birthday Candylayne. I wish I could believe that souls go on but I don’t, people only live on in so far as we remember them. I remember you.
Jebus I’m drunk. Don’t tell me about it tomorrow. Carry on.
mikey, I’m glad you had a terrific day.
‘nite
Righteous Bubba said,
August 23, 2008 at 6:36
I have no idea why, but that really cracked me up.
It’s Larry the Pinhead, more or less. More here.
DUDACKATTACK!!! said,
August 23, 2008 at 6:52
During what century did parents name their children after gas that comes out at both ends?
Smut Clyde said,
August 23, 2008 at 7:32
Scallops & Brussels sprouts stir-fried with a nice cilantro-scotch sauce!
I must be suffering from outrage fatigue.
Smut Clyde said,
August 23, 2008 at 7:39
I see your cilantro-scotch and raise you a lemongrass / coriander beer.
mat said,
August 23, 2008 at 13:53
Funniest “Shorter” piece ever!
Blue Buddha said,
August 23, 2008 at 17:23
Y’know, all these crackpot theories as to how Saddam got his alleged WMD arsenal over to Syria without detection from people watching him, you’d think that the only combat experience that the people who make up these theories is from Hollywood movies.
Fuckin’ Hollywierd lib’ruls. >:(
77south said,
August 23, 2008 at 17:32
I’ll see your lemongrass coriander beer and raise you Duke’s Plutonium Ale. One glass of that swill, made me wish it contained plutonium rather than grapefruit. Who the hell puts grapefruit in a beer? What were they thinking?
Mr. Wonderful said,
August 23, 2008 at 17:51
“Larry King”–
Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t BREATHE with the laffing.
Blue Buddha said,
August 23, 2008 at 17:54
Worst beer I’ve had: banana lambic (okay, technically not beer, but close enough).
RvB said,
August 23, 2008 at 18:47
This cannot be the same Burt Prelutsky. Christ, he was in the LA TImes when I was a kid, and I’ll never see the happy side of 50 again. It must be like the “Brad Anderson” who draws Marmaduke–he must have handed the name and the territory down to a younger (tho still older than George Burns) hack.
Incidentally, i was at Toronado yesterday in SF and had a Quadruple from Marin Brewing. $4, and they serve it to you in a wine glass, and it was magic. Four fermentations. What EKU would taste like if it was good: brisk, sweet and smoky and 12% hootch.
Green Eagle said,
August 23, 2008 at 19:41
Burt,
The reason you don’t have a talk show is that, when right wingers want to go to sleep, they don’t turn on the radio, they take a couple of oxycontins.
Smut Clyde said,
August 24, 2008 at 0:46
Jasmine beer from Elysium. One was enough.
zzx said,
August 24, 2008 at 2:17
Lemongrass? Jasmine? You libruls are out of touch with Real Amurricans. Real Amurricans drink pizza beer.
Bitter Scribe, an accomplished, well-rounded writer, said,
August 24, 2008 at 20:00
Hey, Burt, maybe people keep you waiting because they want to delay the experience of your company as long as possible.
Doctorb said,
August 25, 2008 at 6:45
Sunshine Wheat (New Belgium): grains of paradise, coriander, and orange peel. Actually quite good.
Leipziger Gose: salt and coriander. Not actually a fan, not so much.
Lambic: beer with sort of whatever settles into it from the air over the course of a year or so. Like drinking a goat. Mickey Kaus would enjoy it, I guess.
Budweiser Chelada: tomato, salt, lime and clam juice. Tomato is the not the most awful addition to this beer.