Cheeto-crunching, onanistic, basement-dwelling, fascist asshelmet Adam Yoshida has surpassed his previous standards of batshit-insanity and so, no doubt because I am a hippie leftist, I want to help this poor creature before he hurts himself or (much more importantly) someone else. Adam’s been well past the point of going-too-far for a long while now. Well, lately, he’s gone past far too far. Adam is fucking crazy, but I might have a solution to his problem and ours.
First, his recent insanity:
He wants North Korea nuked ASAP:
An attack will have to hit missile sites, air bases, NBC installations, and artillery sites. And, in order to be effective (and to prevent the North Koreans from getting off a shot) the strikes will have to be simultaneous.
So, what is to be done? There is only one way to pull off the sort of strike Iâ€™ve outlined above: to use nuclear weapons.
Any conventional attack is likely to result in millions of friendly deaths when the North Koreans get off a few shots â€“ or, in the case of the artillery pointed as Seoul, millions. Only nuclear weapons offer the power to truly take out all of the targets in a rapid fashion.
Sure, Adam, sure. A massive nuclear attack because the conventional kind would be too dangerous to the South Koreans, who have, while no one was looking, enshrouded their country in a lead Dyson sphere to shield themselves against all the fucking fallout your moronic scheme would cause.
But ahah, charade you are, leftists! Adam says. He has too thought this through!:
In any case, I note that it is regarded as desirable to use nuclear weapons against certain installations (deeply buried bunkers and nuclear-biological-chemical facilities) and that, as Iâ€™ve pointed out in the past, there is probably little to distinguish the domestic and international political consequences of using one nuclear bomb from those of using fifty.
Such an attack would also be useful in that it would send a very positive message to Iran.
By no means should this be taken as a statement that I desire nuclear war. Quite the contrary â€“ I desire to prevent it. More specifically, I desire to prevent it from being waged against myself or my relatives in Japan.
I guess the nicest thing I can say about that spittle-splattered bit of craziness is that it sets in relief the depravity of Bush’s pre-emptive war doctrine by arguing its application in the most gruesome scenario.
Also, the relatives in Japan thing: here Adam joins a certain strain of wingnuttery (as represented by Likudniks, German-American Bund, IRA symps — I’m sure out there somewhere is a Spanish-American wingnut demanding that the United States declare war on the ETA) that has always had some funny ideas about what the United States should do for its favorite tribe/nationality elsewhere. But with Adam it’s even more screwy since he’s a Canadian, wanting the US to nuke NK for the sake of his favored tribe/nationality, Japan.
Anyway, tribalism is very much on Adam’s little mind. He recommends that either the T-17 — or, what the hell, maybe all Muslims in Canada; Adam’s not terribly clear about it — be interned. A creepy suggestion from a decendent of Japanese internees, no? Oh but that was different:
As the Grandson of Japanese internees, I am quite conscious of the problems associated with deeming one group of people a threat and considering measures against them. But, as well, I am aware of the differences between that situation and the one which we now face.
No Japanese had been convicted â€“ or even reliably accused â€“ of any crime. All Japanese, regardless of their status (meaning including women and children) were interned without any consideration of individual cases. Moreover, they were interned indefinitely without charge or cause â€“ and they had their property stripped from them. That was wrong. But the fact that actions taken in that situation were wrong does not automatically mean that any action which considers an individualâ€™s connection to our enemies to be a cause for suspicion is wrong.
What we need is a law which will provide for indefinite detentions of those people â€“ not in prison, but in a specialized prison camp, like Guantanamo Bay. Perhaps Hans Island would suit this purpose.
Iâ€™m serious. Think about it. We canâ€™t possibly let these people out while the warâ€™s still one without trailing them twenty-four hours a day â€“ something which would unacceptably strain our resources. We need to lock them up and keep them locked up.
Such an act might be ruled unconstitutional but, unlike the United States, Canada has an escape hatch in the form of the Notwithstanding Clause: and we should use it if we have to. Such a move would, of course, cause the Liberals to flip â€“ but the public would be on the governmentâ€™s side.
Note the backhanded admission that Guantanamo is unconstitutional. Thanks, Adam. Now as for the rest of all that ..ugh. But still, it’s enlightened compared to what he’d really like to do to Muslims:
Being blunt: we canâ€™t trust these people to our court system. Most of these people will be back out on the streets within a few years. The young offenders could get out even sooner â€“ and have their identities protected. This is insane. All of these people need to be put to death. Even if that itâ€™s feasible (which, admittedly it isnâ€™t, as gratifying as it would be to see all of them shoved into a Macrowave* and their supporters forced to clean up the mess) they canâ€™t possibly be let out anytime soon.
That asterisked word — could he mean ..? Yes, he could:
* Meaning a human-sized Microwave.
He really is quite mad, you know. Anyway, it’s established that Adam has a pathological hatred of Muslims. But he’s got it in for other tribes as well. Take a gander at this load of Glennocidal Tendencies:
The three greatest and most decisive wars fought by the United States â€“ the Civil War, the Second World War, and the Indian Wars â€“ were won by waging a total war against our enemies. It wasnâ€™t just Grantâ€™s Army of the Potomac that won the war â€“ it was Sherman slicing across Georgia and then burning his way up through the Carolinas. In World War Two, it wasnâ€™t just destruction of the Japanese Navy which compelled Japanâ€™s surrender â€“ it was Tokyo, it was Hiroshima, and it was Nagasaki. The wars to conquer this continent were not won simply through engagements in the field, but through the methodical displacement, slaughter, and subjugation of all who stood in the war.
Yet, once again, we are waging half war against our enemies. Our constant refusal to use the necessary level of force â€“ and our endless moral debates about minor incidents like Haditha and Abu Ghraib â€“ give our enemy courage. The more that we hesitate, the more that we engage in Hamletesque soliloquies, the more we flagellate ourselves for our supposed sins â€“ the most confidence our enemies gain that we lack the will to win this war.
If we want to turn back terror â€“ if we want to save our civilization (and for many people those are very big ifs indeed) â€“ then we need to stop waging this half war and start waging total war instead.
Now, some will correctly point out that this war canâ€™t be fought as a â€œtotal warâ€? in the sense that World War Two or the Civil War was fought. Thereâ€™s no Richmond or Berlin to march onto in this war. No, for inspiration we have to look to Americaâ€™s other total war: the war against the Indian tribes.
That will, I am very certain, be regarded as a terrible thing to say. After all, today the wars against the Indians are regarded as one of Americaâ€™s great national sins â€“ not something to be proud of or to emulate. But they are something to be proud of. During the Indian Wars the United States, with a relatively minimal expenditure, accomplished a feat which has never been enduringly accomplished anywhere else in the world â€“ they conquered and held most of a continent.
The Indians that America fought back then were savages â€“ primitive tribes which were basically unworthy (whatever nonsense has now sprung about them) of even being known as a â€œcivilization.â€? They were wasting some of the greatest lands on this Earth and assaulting those innocents who attempted to spread the blessings of civilization. They deserved the defeat they suffered.Our strategy for defeating the Islamist challenge ought to resemble that which we used for the conquest of this continent. The Moslem world is latter-day Indian country. Bit by bit we ought to retake the lands owned by Moslems from savagery, gradually spreading civilization as we move forward.
This is the Glenn Reynolds-Stephen Green thesis carefully explicated and taken to its logical conclusion. Adam simply has less guile than Instayokel and Patrick Bateman; or, perhaps put in a better way, Adam has the courage of his own insanity, where Perfesser Corncob and Mr Ikea Catalog don’t even have the cowardice of their own convictions. Once again Gavin’s thesis holds true that it takes a C-list wingnut to clearly state what the A-listers only hint at. I started this essay with the desire to help Adam, but now that I think about it, maybe something else is called for. We’ll have to find a way to reward Adam for his candor which is the best of accidental gifts to we of the WingnutWatch brigade.
But blahblahblah anyway, Adam’s explosion of violent rhetoric is like a car wreck for me: I can’t ignore it. And so I made the questionable decision to listen to his latest podcast. Oh my.
After a long and tedious discourse on Apple technology, Adam finally gets down to brass tacks. He’s sick of these liberal freaks with all their demands for tolerance! His refrain thoughout the diatribe is that “normal” people (like, yes, like Adam Yoshida — his self-estimation is touchingly optimistic) should tell these multiculti liberal weirdos to “just shut up.” Which, actually, is remarkable restraint on his part, since he admits that “[his] first instinct in any situation is to shoot people or kick them.” Yoshi singles out for special scorn people who are into body-modificiation (he is particularly horrified by some “fellow” who has discs in his earlobes) and people of different sexual-orientation, which Adam had thought only meant bi- and homo-sexuals (who are bad enough in his book) but no: he’s learned that there is something called “two-spirit” people, a concept he denounces with alacrity.
Why, it’s just a bunch of Native American hocus-pocus! It’s crackpot! What a bunch of freaks!
Actually, what he doesn’t get is that two-spiritism’s not all that rare among non-western cultures. Though Adam was ignorant of the concept, what he’s talking about are third-gender types like the berdache, and he rants as if a) they are new and some reaction against his standard of western sexuality and b) that it’s contemptible on the grounds that it’s some exclusively Native American novelty.
Adam’s wrong about that, of course. Also, Yoshi has a nervous habit throughout his podcast to mention the various females in his life. He doesn’t live in his mom’s basement, hell no! He has roommates, one of whom is a girl! Also, he gets instant messages from girls!
Sure, Adam, whatever you say. But since you were good enough to describe in detail what “superior” wingnuts actually mean with their Glennocidal Tendencies bit, well, I think it’s time for me to play matchmaker.
Someone as bold as you, Adam, someone who’s such a monsterous reactionary, a walking talking creature of hatred and full of desire to kill kill kill, needs a mate worthy of your talents.
Adam, let me introduce you to Resa Laru Kirkland, Elsa Lanchester to your Boris Karloff. She’s quite a trophy; and while her preferences no doubt run to the Aryan, militia-compound type, I’m sure you can convince her that you’re just as genocidal as all that, that you’re a fascist on the inside, where it counts! Think about it, Adam! Think of the debates! You can argue over who is more subhuman, blacks or Muslims! You can have a Who Hates PC Most contest. I mean, think of the possibilities (really, do it Adam; because I don’t want to)!
Then, as you live happily ever after raising little Ann Coulter Yoshidas and Glenn Reynolds Yoshidas in some god-awful militia compound in the Mountains, BFE, maybe you’ll both calm down and stop being paranoid, genocide-advocating wackos; in short, maybe you’ll “just shut up”. Or, alas, maybe you both will combine to spawn Wingnutor, Lord of Batshit, the legend as foretold eons ago in the Book of Buckley. Either way, since I’m convinced we’re all doomed anyway because fundie nutjobs are a function of nature designed to end our overpopulated species here on petri dish Earth, I really don’t give a shit what you do.