18
Poor Greg
Poor Gregory Djerejian. I may disagree with him about a great many things, but he’s a decent guy who makes neoconservative arguments better than anyone in the Bush administration ever has. Because of this, I’m really worried about what he’s going to do when he reads this:
Pressed to respond to critics who say he is ignoring the advice of respected former military commanders, Bush vigorously stood by Rumsfeld.
“I listen to all voices, but mine is the final decision,” he said. “And Don Rumsfeld is doing a fine job. He’s not only transforming the military, he’s fighting a war on terror. He’s helping us fight a war on terror. I have strong confidence in Don Rumsfeld.
“I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I’m the decider, and I decide what is best. And what’s best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense.”
Setting aside the ridiculous lie that Bush actually reads newspapers, have you ever heard any world leader say anything as remotely idiotic as “I’m the decider and I decide what is best?” He sounds like a character in a freaking Dr. Seuss story. In fact, that gives me an idea…
Down by the Pentagon, where the crickle grass grows,
Where for years the insurgents have been in their “last throes”
Old Donald Rumsfeld relaxed and kicked back
And thought of the fine job he’d done in Iraq
But despite Rummy’s feelings of omnipotent might
Lots of people were dying, with no end in sight
So several old generals rose up in a rage
And their mad diatribes made it to the front pageAll of them wanted poor Rummy to quit
Since ’twas under his watch that Iraq went to shit
But just as old Rummy was about to resign
Bush came along and said “You’re doing just fine!”He was tallish and oldish and grayish and chimpy
And his face looked cartoonish, like a Ren or a Stimpy
He rolled up his sleeves, slammed the floor with a “bang!”
And then bellowed out in his fake Texas twang:“I’m the decider! I decide what is best!
And all my decisions, they come Jesus-blessed!
I don’t read the views of the MSM paparazzi
I need Rummy’s help stopping Muslamonazis!“To all you old generals whose anger won’t yield,
Why won’t you think of the troops on the field
They want Rummy to stay, they say that they need him
What’s wrong with you bastards, do y’all just hate freedom?”And with that all the critics looked shamed and afraid
For providing al-Qaeda with comfort and aid
They wept and covered their faces with bags
And said, “We’re sorry for being such traitorous fags!”
(Bush/Lorax graphic via this place.)
BTD_Venkat said,
April 18, 2006 at 19:57
That’s cold as hell.
SgtD said,
April 18, 2006 at 20:02
O Bradley Lord R, how do you come up with this stuff?
It is fucking hilarious and it just made my day!
Brad R. said,
April 18, 2006 at 20:04
O Bradley Lord R, how do you come up with this stuff?
It’s in lieu of doing school work. I’ll pay for it later.
King Spirula said,
April 18, 2006 at 20:10
“But I’m the decider, and I decide what is best.”
No I haven’t heard any world leader say anything remotely like this because world leaders have passed 4 year olds in their vocabulary and grammer skill. But in Murka, Dumb and Dumber rewl.
What you wrote was great.
Doug said,
April 18, 2006 at 20:17
Indeed, that Bush quote gave me a Dr. Seuss tingle even before I read this post. But your re-creation of the Seuss style and diction is, quite frankly, astounding. You win the Keith Olbermann Best Person In The World Award today, and the prize is you get to dunk Michelle Malkin’s head in the toilet one time.
JIllian said,
April 18, 2006 at 20:18
It’s in lieu of doing school work. I’ll pay for it later.
Fluff the schoolwork. Don’t cheat or do anything dishonest; just fluff it. When assigned papers, write highly technical hatchetjobs on obscure extremist positions – like weirdo socialists who defend Slobodan Milosevic, or something. They’re surprisingly easy to write, and they always sound really impressive to your instructors.
Take softer science classes, like “dinosaurs” or “ecology”. And avoid scheduling anything too time consuming in any semester in which you take an econometrics class.
Now, if only we could take a page from Dr. Seuss and put Republicans into a “Gay-bellied Sneetch” machine….
annieangel said,
April 18, 2006 at 20:19
The liberals were froothing and blurking along,
Flabooling and snoorking and singing this song:
Quackaloo! Quackaloo!
Oh what should we do!
We have no plaplunkers
Oh what should we do!
Jillian said,
April 18, 2006 at 20:21
Wait….it looks like someone has already found one!
D. Sidhe said,
April 18, 2006 at 20:25
A Seuss riff like that deserves Marshmallow Peeps!
Purple chicks and pink bunnies, I think.
Brian said,
April 18, 2006 at 20:26
Brad, I think you broke Annie.
She’s making the awfulest noises.
The Prison-er said,
April 18, 2006 at 20:26
I am not a number-er, I am a free man!
Dan Someone said,
April 18, 2006 at 20:28
Two things, Brad. One, Bush didn’t say he reads the newspapers, he said he reads the front page. I would not be surprised if this is the exact accurate truth.
Two, he says “I hear the voices.” This explains quite a bit, doesn’t it?
Anonymous said,
April 18, 2006 at 20:34
Bush didn’t say he reads the newspapers, he said he reads the front page. I would not be surprised if this is the exact accurate truth.
Ha ha. This is exactly what I thought when I read that “front page” quote as well.
The Dr. Seuss is brilliant. Defintely gets bookmarked in my 2006 Koufax Funniest Post nominees file.
sonobovich said,
April 18, 2006 at 20:39
Bravo on the Dr. Seuss poem!
Vladi G said,
April 18, 2006 at 20:46
Wow, that was pretty impressive. Although it’s too bad you couldn’t rhyme “bags” with “cobags”.
Doug said,
April 18, 2006 at 20:52
OK, Annie, I didn’t want to be the one to have to point this out, but it is obvious by the context of your rhyme that you have no idea what a “plaplunker” is used for. I don’t want to go into it here, but it’s certainly nothing you should be talking about when there might be children present. Sicko.
Lucy said,
April 18, 2006 at 21:06
I can’t be the only one who thinks Bush as the Lorax looks like John Bolton.Also, annieangel’s devastating turnabout, which attempts to hoist one with one’s own petard by applying the Seussification device, is pathetically empty of any actual satire. Just plugging the word “liberal” into some lines of silly verse doesn’t qualify as incisive or satiric commentary.
blogenfreude said,
April 18, 2006 at 21:11
Brilliant.
It’s been said elsewhere the the Dear Leaker’s reference to hearing “voices” is worrisome.
Libby said,
April 18, 2006 at 21:17
Another Bravo! from the peanut gallery. Priceless poetry there.
d said,
April 18, 2006 at 21:20
Holy crap, that’s impressive – it’s one for the books!
Brad R. and Gavin and Seb are such kooks.
If that wasn’t fresh news I’d think you had slaved…
writing and rhyming and thinking for days!
Damnit, you started me thinking in verse… I should probably stop.
Gavin M. said,
April 18, 2006 at 21:22
Holy crap, that’s impressive – it’s one for the books!
Brad R. and Gavin and Seb are such kooks.
If that wasn’t fresh news I’d think you had slaved…
writing and rhyming and thinking for days!
Damnit, you started me thinking in verse… I should probably stop.
…It can only get worse!
cervantes said,
April 18, 2006 at 21:24
So long Chimpy,
You are toast.
No longer will we hear you boast
Of how you’re strong and resolute,
For you are going down the chute.
Along with all your thieving cronies,
The lying, chickenhawkish phonies.
And when at last they burst your bubble,
And your legacy is rubble,
You will stand revealed in whole –
A hollow man, without a soul.
Jillian said,
April 18, 2006 at 21:44
Do you like yellow-cake, Iran?
I do not like it, Uncle Sam I Am.
I would not buy it from Niger,
I would not buy it anywhere!
I do not like yellow-cake, man.
I do not like it, Uncle Sam I Am.
Can I nuke you in Tehran?
Can I nuke you all day long?
You cannot nuke me in Tehran,
You cannot nuke me all day long.
I do not like yellow-cake, man.
I do not like it, Uncle Sam I Am.
(Incidentally, if we could just get Brad to write up some basic introductions to foreign policy and diplomatic relations in this style, perhaps we could get Dear Leader to stop humiliating our country with his boobishness in the inernational arena.)
tigrismus said,
April 18, 2006 at 21:55
Attempting to be right-wing tonic
To a Seussian post most sardonic
She tried to assail
But her verse was too frail
Perhaps she’s not had enough chronic?
Kathleen said,
April 18, 2006 at 22:41
brilliant!
themann1086 said,
April 18, 2006 at 23:19
nothing lifts depression quite like this…
till you remember that our leader said “I’m the decider, I decide what is best” and “I hear the voices”…
tbati said,
April 18, 2006 at 23:21
In trying to out-Seuss the master,
Lil’ Annie, she penned a disaster.
Her impression of Seuss,
Was like frozen Orange Juice,
And teh funny – it flew right on past her.
I-RUPPERT-I said,
April 18, 2006 at 23:23
There were two kinds of Feezles;
Left-handed and right-
But only one kind of Feezle
Filled neighbors with fright
Poor handcuff-clad Feezles
Were frog marched down the street
See, the right-handed Feezles
Found young hinders too sweet
The left-handed Feezles
Tried hard to be fair -
Not mentioning the Rightys’
Idea of day care
So despite all the facts
And proof to be found
The kid-diddling Rightys
Got to still hang around
So remember young Feezles
When next you roam far
If he drives with his right hand
STAY OUT OF HIS CAR!
annieangel said,
April 18, 2006 at 23:55
Ooooh, hit a little too close to home with the “no plaplunkers” bit, didn’t I?
I-RUPPERT-I said,
April 19, 2006 at 0:06
Our parody-troll named annie
Squeezes the juice with her fanny
It’s a good thing her man
Doesn’t know that her tan
Is as fake as her legshot, that tranny!
nilsey said,
April 19, 2006 at 0:07
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decider
Decider: Machine that always halts.
this is just too weird.
Worst. President. Ever. said,
April 19, 2006 at 0:23
her tan Is as fake as her legshot, that tranny!
I thought her paplunkers looked fake!
I-RUPPERT-I said,
April 19, 2006 at 0:25
Advice for annie to see
From Howard Campbell through me:
Remember my friend
It turns out in the end
We are what we pretend to be
Jay Brida said,
April 19, 2006 at 0:26
Brad, great, great work.
Decider, you am.
Worst. President. Ever. said,
April 19, 2006 at 0:38
Every Sad down in No-ville
Liked Brad’s work a lot.
But the Decider, who lives in the White House, did not!
themann1086 said,
April 19, 2006 at 0:57
*pisses pants*
pessullivan said,
April 19, 2006 at 2:00
Oh fuck he’s hearing the voices and listening to them!
I just wonder what the voices are telling him.
I knew he was crazy!
punkinsmom said,
April 19, 2006 at 4:02
I don’t want your head to swell (not that head) too much more BradR, but that really was impressive.
I’m not sure which is scarier, “decider” or hearing voices.
D. Sidhe said,
April 19, 2006 at 4:19
C’mon. Bush isn’t hearing voices. He’d be smarter if he was.
“Decider” would never have made it past even an imaginary committee.
Bush, I think we have well established, doesn’t hear *anybody’s* voices.
Major Woody said,
April 19, 2006 at 6:33
“We’re sorry for being such traitorous fags!”
If I’m not mistaken, this is the Democratic Party motto for the midterms, is it not?
Speakout said,
April 19, 2006 at 15:37
“I hear the voices,…”
Does this part concern anyone else?
GoatBoy said,
April 19, 2006 at 15:47
Not as much as “the calling from beyond the stars” and “the hunger in the dark places” did.
Anybody else remember all those squid washing ashore the day he gave his apparently Chthonic inauguration speech last winter?
Just sayin.
Strange Forces said,
April 19, 2006 at 17:43
Brad, I am in awe. This is why I read this site every day.
That, and seeing Annie try to flex (points to faux-ruppert for the tranny rhyme!).
Linkmeister said,
April 19, 2006 at 21:11
In a non-Seussian but equally funny vein, have y’all seen Adam Felber’s take on US-Iran relations?
I’ve not thought of the Lorax in years; that was wonderful.
lakema said,
April 20, 2006 at 14:14
I am completely in awe, that was brilliant.
grizzle said,
April 20, 2006 at 18:35
paparazzi with Muslamonazis?
other than that, brilliant.
Noko7 said,
May 3, 2006 at 4:36
Reminds me of the Sesame Street ‘Count’:
“I am The Decider…
I decide THINGS!!!!
ONE Decision….ah-ha-ha-ha-ha…
TWO Decisions…ah-ha-ha-ha-ha…”
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