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Two-minute Townhall
I call it the hot dog tree because … it’s a hot dog tree.
I’ve been invited to drag this semi-popular feature over here from my regular gig, to help pass the time while Brad deals with his sex life. Readers are encouraged to vote for the biggest wiener, whom I present with the coveted Plateful of Wieners. (The award is a mere formality until a delivery mechanism for the Wienergram is perfected.)
Why wieners? It’s fun to say, for one thing (“wiener�), and I’ve got this picture. And you know how, in the Bible, Adam and Eve aren’t supposed to eat from the Tree of Knowledge? God warns them and warns them not to eat one of those delicious-looking apples, or they’ll be evicted from the Garden of Eden for being too smart. If Townhall were a tree, it would probably be laden with, like, artery-clogging wieners that would make you stupider.
Shorter Herman Cain: Reagan’s tax rate cuts helped produce the longest period of peacetime economic expansion in U.S. history. And his record still stands, if you simply ignore the decade that followed (I know I do.)
Shorter Daniel Sullivan: By pursuing a blatantly political strategy for this fall’s elections, Democrats are sure to turn off most voters.
Shorter Bruce Bartlett: We won’t be able to use actual, quote-unquote economic data to argue for the extension of President Bush’s tax cuts, so we must find some other way to make our case.
Shorter John Stossel: Libertarians are against the drug war, right? Then I am, too. (Those guys are pretty awesome.)
Shorter Mark Joseph: I fantasize about three-ways with Mormon missionaries that come to my door.
Shorter Michelle Malkin: I’m afraid you don’t fully appreciate the brown menace.
Shorter Walter Williams: God has granted us the unalienable right to execute teenagers, and no black-robed tyrant shall impose his frenchified will on us by eliminating that cherished responsibility.
Shorter Thomas Sowell: If you look at the soil around any large U.S. city with a big illegal immigrant population - Des Moines, Iowa, perfect example. Look at the soil around Des Moines. You can’t build on it, you can’t grow anything in it. The government says it’s due to poor farming. But I know what’s really going on.
Shorter Linda Chavez: The virulently racist, anti-immigration movement began when a pro-abortion book championing population control was published during (sotto voice) the Clinton Years.
Shorter Tony Blankley: Here is a wealth of poll data that support my position.
Shorter Martin Prince Terence Jeffrey: Mexicans are transporting radioactive materials across our border. (Did I say “are”? I meant “could.”)
Shorter Ben Shapiro: I will pay any cost or bear any burden to undertake some proposal — any proposal — that aims to secure our borders. (Well, not any burden.)
Shorter Jonah Goldberg: Mexicans who enter this country illegally present one immigration problem. Allowing the Taliban to attend Yale presents another.
Shorter Kathleen Parker: I fear we missed a golden opportunity to round up illegal immigrants last week, when they were all in one place, protesting.
gjdodger said,
March 29, 2006 at 22:51
I would like to nominate for your plateful o’ wieners award whoever it was who called Stu Rothenberg
Jillian said,
March 29, 2006 at 23:00
Welcome, Travis! I hope the S,N! crew filled you in on the details of how they’ve assured such a loyal and viciously partisan readership around here….
You know the deal involves showing up at each of our houses once a week to compound our cars and provide us with whatever sort of erotic entertainment most amuses us, right?
I loved Mark Joseph’s bit about “proselytizing for the gay”. It’s like they really think being gay is an intellectual choice, like being a liberal or a Marxist is.
“Gee, Bob, your arguments have convinced me. Henceforth, I shall be a homosexual, as well.”
Do they even think about things before they say them, or do they just hurl the contents of their brains pell-mell across the keyboard?
Constance Reader said,
March 29, 2006 at 23:11
You know what Travis? I like you. You’re not like the other people, here in the blogger park….
Res Publica said,
March 29, 2006 at 23:22
“Pell-mell” is such a great term. I wish people would use that more.
Filth said,
March 29, 2006 at 23:26
Major props for the Dead Milkmen reference.
TravisG said,
March 29, 2006 at 23:36
You know the deal involves showing up at each of our houses once a week to compound our cars and provide us with whatever sort of erotic entertainment most amuses us, right?
Awwww, this is how my jobs always start out.
melior (in Austin) said,
March 29, 2006 at 23:37
Good band too.
really fucking anonymous this time said,
March 29, 2006 at 23:58
okay, i only lurk here and comment once in a while so i am going deeep cover for this comment, but i was pleased to see you wearing a t-shirt in that wiener picture of a band that i was in, if only for a brief time. and no, i’m not one of the “famous” ones.
by the way, johnsonvilles are the preferred brand of chicago rockers, just so yoo know.
Anonymous said,
March 30, 2006 at 0:04
Say what you will about her intellect and/or opinions, but Kathleen Parker is one CILF.
Gavin M. said,
March 30, 2006 at 0:13
It’s true; it was during UO’s Jazz Odyssey phase.
Otto Man said,
March 30, 2006 at 0:29
I like the new digs.
As always, I’ve got to put all my money on John Stossel, the gift that keeps on giving. Sorta like gonnorhea.
Sjofn said,
March 30, 2006 at 1:27
The shorter Walter Williams one made me snicker out loud, so I’ll go with that one.
kate said,
March 30, 2006 at 1:52
kathleen parker. because there is no doubt in my mind that same thought ran through many WASPs minds.
Hysterical Woman said,
March 30, 2006 at 2:23
Thomas Sowell confuses me. So, we have illegal immigrants sneaking in and growing surplus crops against our will? What?
punkinsmom said,
March 30, 2006 at 3:12
I’ll just toss my opinion out pell-mell (kewl term): Kathleen is the scariest because she was serious. She really thought that was a missed opportunity. My fave, though, is Herman because I like to ignore that decade too.
Welcome Travis. And will anyone else admit to clicking the link for Brad’s sex life and getting an error? Poor guy.
Wes F. in North Adams said,
March 30, 2006 at 4:33
I’m going with Parker this time too, though Daniel Sullivan is a close second.
Welcome to the show, Travis. You never have to carry your own bags in the show.
WF
Sixpak Chopra said,
March 30, 2006 at 5:10
Hey Travis,
Great post, but the dude in the Urge Overkill T-shirt is holding a plate of bratwurst…
Marq said,
March 30, 2006 at 6:04
Well, as always, Townhall is a three-ring circus of wingnuttery and dumb ideas, but I have to go with Kathleen Parker, due to her sheer asshattery. 10-1, upon completion of this column, she shouted, “Hey, Rosario! Get me a latté, pronto!” to her illegal Salvadoran maid.
D. Sidhe said,
March 30, 2006 at 6:53
I’m going with Parker, too.
Welcome, Travis. You seem like you belong here.
That probably means you need professional help.
Ianua Ditis said,
March 30, 2006 at 7:27
Who is this Travis fellow, though? And at what address shall I send him my Ben Shapiro porn?
Seriously though, I did click that link about Brad’s Sex life, and I did get the error message, also.
TravisG said,
March 30, 2006 at 12:31
Yeah, I fouled up a couple of links with my clumsy, sausage-like fingers (or are they more like bratwursts…?) I was too busy drinking beer last night to correct them.
The shocking details of Brad’s sex life can be found here, or by simply scolling down the main page a bit.
Josh said,
March 30, 2006 at 13:29
I think Parker’s going to be a big wiener, er, winner this week. I love the whole, “I’m not racist… I know a bunch of those people and they’re my friends” bit.
Anne said,
March 30, 2006 at 15:00
Thumbs up, Travis.
decker said,
March 30, 2006 at 17:13
MM, because when you used the phrase “the brown menace” I suddenly pictured her as a WWF-style diva, waiting outside the ropes with a folding chair. I think God is talking to me.
dave128 said,
March 30, 2006 at 17:36
Meh. Travis ain’t as funny as Melody.
Otto Man said,
March 30, 2006 at 18:16
The shocking details of Brad’s sex life can be found here
Ach, my eyes! Zee goggles, zey do nuthink!
mikey said,
March 30, 2006 at 18:41
Jesus Tits in a Mason Jar, Travis! Too much Townhall. My head exploded. Be gentle next time. Sheesh.
(I swore last week I was going to use “Jesus Tits in a Mason Jar regularly–just trying to keep it real)
mikey
superdude said,
March 30, 2006 at 18:52
Look at the soil around Des Moines. You can’t build on it, you can’t grow anything in it. The government says it’s due to poor farming. But I know what’s really going on.
It’s the queers. They’re in it with the aliens. They’re building landing strips for gay Martians!
– “Stuart,” by the Dead Milkmen, Beelzebubba
Strange Forces said,
March 30, 2006 at 20:18
Man, I make a Stuart reference days ago and not a peep. Now, it’s like all the cool kids are doing it.
erquirk said,
March 30, 2006 at 22:22
Teh Funny!! The Blankley one made me laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Good times. Thanks, Travis. Meanwhile, I think that Malkin deserves the wiener.
Louis said,
March 30, 2006 at 22:35
Movin’ on up, eh Travis?
My vote — you guessed it — goes to that little prick, Ben Shapiro.
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November 26, 2006 at 2:58
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