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What’s Wrong With the Democrats, Part II: Bridging the Skank Gap
In recent elections, Democrats have had trouble attracting the support of white men. Some have speculated that this is because white males get turned off by the left’s affinity for minority and identity politics. Others think that this is due to the left’s insufficiently hawkish stance in the war on terror.
Well, speaking as a white dude, I can tell you that that’s all a bunch of hooey. We white guys don’t really give a shit about foreign policy or medicare reform or race relations, or any of that crap- we just wanna look at scantily-clad chicks. And the reason that so many of us have been defecting to the Republicans is that, unlike the GOP, the Democrats have yet to develop their own army of hussies who dress in skimpy outfits and spew partisan bile over the airwaves and on the Internets. I mean, just look at the right-wing skanks that the GOP has at its disposal:
Above: Ann Coulter, Debbie Schluessel and Atlas Shrugs’ Pamela, dancing at a LittleGreenFootballs Meet-Up… no, seriously, she’s really at an LGF meetup. I’m not making that up.
To win elections on a regular basis, the Democrats must start recruiting their own cadre of sexy left-wing gals to go on FOX News and MSNBC dressed in leather miniskirts. These women should be somewhat intelligent and should be willing to attack their enemies in the most juvenile and petty ways imaginable. It’d be nice if they were actually skilled debaters who made cogent arguements, but that’s ultimately unimportant. We’re mostly looking for women who will make dumbass white guys like me say, “Dude- that chick just called Bill O’Reilly a falafel-fucker… and she’s hot!!!”
So c’mon, all you left-wing hotties: don that miniskirt, cast aside your dignity and start hitting the airwaves. Your country needs you. And yes I’m looking at you, lefty blogger babes. If none of you step up, I’m gonna be forced to get breast implants and do it my own damn self.
UPDATE: In the comments, Roxanne writes:
Sorry, but I swore off AquaNet, leopard-print leotards and feathered reefer-clips years ago.
BOOOOOOO!!! C’mon, you know you wanna go on national television dressed in a Kaye Grogan leopard-skin potato sack:
I swear, you’d be my hero 4eva!!!1!
UPDATE II: Vespa? How about you? The Gavster says you have a great shoe collection…
Evan said,
March 16, 2006 at 20:41
Shouldn’t we been grooming Jessica Simpson to step it up in that regard? She’s clearly as impressionable as a lump of silly-putty, and has been getting an amazing amount of press for declining to meet with Bush over her plastic-surgery-for-developing-world-kids-with-facial-deformaties charity work.
And speaking of plastic, every time I see a picture of her, she looks more and more like female android (gynoid?). I realize all starlets of her type have extensive pre-and-post production work on their appearance, but she looks like a goddamn toaster-oven…that I would like to have sex with.
Brad R, said,
March 16, 2006 at 20:42
Shouldn’t we been grooming Jessica Simpson to step it up in that regard? She’s clearly as impressionable as a lump of silly-putty, and has been getting an amazing amount of press for declining to meet with Bush over her plastic-surgery-for-developing-world-kids-with-facial-deformaties charity work.
Did you see the qualification that they had to be SOMEWHAT intelligent? C’mon, man, that’d just be humiliating.
JK47 said,
March 16, 2006 at 20:53
Two things about Jessica Simpson:
1. She is not as dumb as she makes herself out to be. I live in Hollywood, and I’m not gonna name drop, but I know some people who know Jessica. They say she is a pretty cool, down-to-earth, normal, decent person. She is also no fan of the Bush junta and is no dummy. Jessica is no braindead fembot like Britney Spears. She has subtly given the finger to Bush twice now, so she’s a-OK in my book.
2. She looks like Ricky Martin. I always thought she was mannish looking, then a friend of mine pointed out that she is basically Ricky Martin with blonde hair. Whenever I look at her now I see a tranny Ricky Martin.
tigrismus said,
March 16, 2006 at 20:55
I once made a GOTV poster for the GOP highlighting the quality of Republican skanks. It’s so true, we’re just not skanky enough to get elected! I weep for my country. *sniffle*
JK47 said,
March 16, 2006 at 20:56
Has anyone noticed that all the conservative “babes” are kinda… well, gnarly looking? Ann Coulter’s grill is fucking Gnar Gnar Binks.
Luther said,
March 16, 2006 at 20:58
The LGFer in the blue shirt certainly has “the white man’s over bite” dance step down pat.
Is it me or does the blonde on the right look as if her lips were just stung by a couple of bee’s?
JK47 said,
March 16, 2006 at 21:04
I once made a GOTV poster for the GOP highlighting the quality of Republican skanks. It’s so true, we’re just not skanky enough to get elected! I weep for my country. *sniffle*
Ohmyfuckinggod, I threw up a little in my mouth when I saw that. There are a lot of low cards in that hand. It’s pretty tough to say which of those women are the most heinous, but I’ll give it a shot.
The Ten Gnarliest Conservative Chick Pieholes:
10. Condi
9. Laura Bush
8. Liddy
7. Mary Matalin
6. Kathryn Jean Lopez
5. Michelle Maglangalngandglagn
4. Mann Coulter
3. Jean Schmidt
2. Karen Hughes (can’t believe she wasn’t #1)
1. The hog from the GOP convention with the Purple Heart bandaid on her uppermost chin
Roxanne said,
March 16, 2006 at 21:13
Sorry, but I swore off AquaNet, leopard-print leotards and feathered reefer-clips years ago.
Sadly, No! said,
March 16, 2006 at 21:19
What’s Wrong With the Democrats, Part II: Bridging the Skank Gap
In recent elections, Democrats have had trouble attracting the support of white men. Some have speculated that this is because white males get turned off by the left’s affinity for minority and identity politics. Others think that this is due…
celticgirl said,
March 16, 2006 at 21:20
Um, you’re missing the unifying factor of all the skankettes you’ve cited here (btw, nice top 10 JK47): THEY’RE ALL BATSHIT INSANE!
I think “our” gals are gonna find that hard to compete with.
Gavin M. said,
March 16, 2006 at 21:21
Where has Vespa been lately? She apparently has a killer collection of shoes.
Brad R. said,
March 16, 2006 at 21:22
Um, you’re missing the unifying factor of all the skankettes you’ve cited here (btw, nice top 10 JK47): THEY’RE ALL BATSHIT INSANE!
Well, I want them to say outrageous shit on the air- they can at least play crazy, can’t they?
Timmah420 said,
March 16, 2006 at 21:33
they can at least play crazy, can’t they?
I have a feeling that’s all “manhands” Coulter is doing anyway.
Plenty of different ways to make a living as a whore if you try hard enough.
Mal de mer said,
March 16, 2006 at 21:47
If none of you step up, I’m gonna be forced to get breast implants and do it my own damn self.
Go for it. Worked for mAnn Coulter.
None of these skanks looks good up close. I’ve personally met Ann Couter (reeks of cigarettes and makes creaking noises when she moves), Debbie Schlussel (her lipstick and gloss congeal in the corners at the corners of her lips and she perspires profusely) and Pamela whatever-her-last-name-is (a weathered, gin-soaked leather purse). But they all look much better on camera, under those brutal lights.
Real babes, smart liberal ones, can’t to this.
Steve M. said,
March 16, 2006 at 21:56
Coulter has fake bazooms and an eating disorder, but Schlussel from the neck up (at least in the headshot you posted) looks like she belongs here. I’m guessing nose job, lip job, eye job and Botox. None of that looks real.
Doug said,
March 16, 2006 at 21:58
Mal de mer touched on this obliquely, but I’m going to come right out and say it: There’s one other unifying factor among the right-wing robo-”babes” Brad listed besides batshit-insaneness — they all need cubic yards of makeup to make themselves look remotely attractive. Coulter and Schlussel, in particular, are the kind of women for whom the phrase “good from far, but far from good” was tailor-made. (Here’s a hint, wingnuts: If you’re looking at a picture of a woman standing next to Sean Hannity and Hannity’s the hot one, that women is not attractive.)
Anyway, my point is we don’t even have to worry about finding hot liberal women. All we need to do is find dumpy ones and slather them with makeup to the point of unrecognizability — apparently that’s all the right wing is really looking for.
Ben said,
March 16, 2006 at 22:03
I nominate these lovely ladies (from the security of the intenets, so they don’t attempt to cut off my balls):
Body and Soul
Feministe
Perhaps someone here: Feminist Blogs
Ooo! I know! Wonkette!
Y’know, I was pondering the dearth of female bloggers the other day. It’s not just on the right, either; the left seems to be mainly populated by your Kossacks, your Atria (Atrioses?), your Poor Men. (Yes, he’s poor. But still.) Maybe it’s just a function of the nerdiness inherent in blogging.
Glen Quagmire said,
March 16, 2006 at 22:08
Jill from Feministe!
Yosef said,
March 16, 2006 at 22:24
I nominate Amber Pawlik to get implants and go as a woman on these shows.
Alek Hidell said,
March 16, 2006 at 22:26
JK47, an astonishing omission from your list:
Katherine Harris.
tg said,
March 16, 2006 at 22:28
What we need is Majikthise. Someone to nail them on issues to the point of tears, then take ‘em to The Green T out north of town and shove a pool cue up their asses.
gjdodger said,
March 16, 2006 at 22:39
this was always my gripe with bill maher’s “politically incorrect” show. back when it was on comedy central, all he had to do was put funny people from showbiz or politics on and it was great; even some nazis like floyd brown and gordon liddy were pretty funny. when he moved to network TV, since everybody in showbiz is liberal, he had to balance it with these right wing think tank babes who didn’t have a shred of funny bone in them, but they did wear short skirts. I think that’s why the show tanked, although saying the suicidal 9/11 terrorists were not cowards probably didn’t help. there was this one maher guest, heather something, who was pretty hot, and arianna huffington in bed with al franken was surely a high point, at least for al.
JK47 said,
March 16, 2006 at 22:51
JK47, an astonishing omission from your list:
Katherine Harris.
I agree, Cruella wuz robbed. She’s top five material for sure.
Vestal Vespa said,
March 16, 2006 at 23:32
I’ll do whatever is needed to serve my country.
Provided it does not include KY wrestling or wet campaign t-shirt contests.
Anne said,
March 17, 2006 at 0:22
There’s one other unifying factor among the right-wing robo-”babes” Brad listed besides batshit-insaneness — they all need cubic yards of makeup to make themselves look remotely attractive.
Doug, they also go on and on about how hot they are.
Shakespeare's Sister said,
March 17, 2006 at 0:28
All right, I’m in - on one condition: Someone’s got to get me a Wal-Mart gift card so I can secure the appropriate wardrobe. Once I’ve stocked up on all the pleather, animal prints, and generic-brand black stilettos fifty bucks can buy, I’ll cut my bangs, tease ‘em up, and hit the airwaves, boobs a-blaring.
kathleen said,
March 17, 2006 at 0:38
where can I find an LGF meet-up? looks like that is where ALL the eligible men are found!
Kyso K said,
March 17, 2006 at 0:45
Once I’ve stocked up on all the pleather, animal prints, and generic-brand black stilettos fifty bucks can buy, I’ll cut my bangs, tease ‘em up, and hit the airwaves, boobs a-blaring.
Might I also suggest some Max Factor make-up. Not the newer pansy stuff, but the original 1930’s and -40’s Pan-Cake for which Mr Factor became known. And the Bonnie Bell pre-teen girls make-up collection, for all your blue eyeshadow and glitter hi-lites and crayon-sized eyeliner needs.
And swing by the paint department for a trowel. And don’t forget to bleach that hair till your scalp burns.
Mal de mer said,
March 17, 2006 at 1:09
Might I also suggest some Max Factor make-up.
I’d recommend M.A.C. Cosmetics. A cosmetic company that hired RuPaul to showcase its products would seem to know a thing or two about the, ah…agressive…makeup application this operation will probably call for.
…and by that, I mean we’re actually going to be stuck tarting up Brad and Gavin for this, since no self-respecting liberal babe will be able to pull this off convincingly.
mr. x said,
March 17, 2006 at 1:32
Luther, you can’t be serious with that list. You have Laura Bush but not Babbs? How about Nancy Reagan? Gag a maggot! These are the skankiest crankiest piehole barf-o-rama power sluts of all time! List needs works man, nice try though…
Marq said,
March 17, 2006 at 2:23
And, wot, no Midge Decter? She puts the “ew” in “spew!”
allan said,
March 17, 2006 at 2:23
What about Stephanie Miller, she looks great with lots of makeup, is ACTUALLY funny, and Bill O’Reilly is already afraid of her.
Anonymous said,
March 17, 2006 at 2:24
Babs and Nancy Reagan are on some other list, they’re like retired or something. They’re in the Gnarly Piehole Hall of Fame.
mr. x said,
March 17, 2006 at 2:49
Just say no to the Gnarly Piehole of Fame.
mr. x said,
March 17, 2006 at 2:53
Stephanie Miller and her “I am not a crook” Tricky Dicky pose. How apropriate for current guvmint pre “dick” ament.
Anonymous said,
March 17, 2006 at 3:12
All these chicks you’re talking about showed up during the Clinton years. They’re getting a little long in the tooth and they’re all going to have to be put out to pasture sooner rather than later. But will they be replaced? Like when Barker’s Beauties on Price is Right all started looking like my grandma. Well, they’re gone and he’s got some new ones.
Auguste said,
March 17, 2006 at 3:17
Ooh, you guys are gonna make such fans of the feminist blogs with this one.
Timmah420 said,
March 17, 2006 at 3:49
Auguste - Awww c’mon, we attack Doug Giles and Mike Adams enough to balance out the karma.
Also, I need to take issue with something. The people that flew jets into the WTC *weren’t* cowards. They might be evil, misguided, murderers, the worst of the worst or whatever you want to call them. And the people that ordered the operation and supported it may very well be cowards, but I’d be pretty hard pressed to say that someone who could do something that suicidal and murderous are cowardly.
teh l4m3 said,
March 17, 2006 at 4:17
SEE!!! What did I tell you? That Prussian Blue skank-in-training (SIT) on the right in that picture in the earlier post looks exactly like Debbie Schlussel!
EXACTLY!
Mal de mer said,
March 17, 2006 at 4:17
The people that flew jets into the WTC *weren’t* cowards.
I think that constitutes a thought-crime. Can someone alert Homeland Security?
teh l4m3 said,
March 17, 2006 at 4:21
Um, oh, yeah, and PS: I see you finally got around to VV, who is only one of the most adorable lefty NON-skanks evah!
Some Guy said,
March 17, 2006 at 4:37
“I think that constitutes a thought-crime.”
Timmah420 is in Canada, which means he’s not subject to our new laws. Unless his name is Marc Emery, in which case his ass is grass.
D. Sidhe said,
March 17, 2006 at 4:56
Brad, I don’t have that much of my inheritance left after blowing it on stuff that would horrify the grandfather who left it to me, but I’m prepared to put it all towards a boob job for you if you promise to become the Ann Coulter of the Left.
Mal de mer said,
March 17, 2006 at 5:31
Timmah420 is in Canada, which means he’s not subject to our new laws.
I thought residents of the vassal states (Canada, Australia, Britain, lesser Europe, etc.) were all subject to the laws of the Imperium. Proconsul to Canada David Wilkins affirmed that just the other day, did he not?
Dorothy said,
March 17, 2006 at 5:34
Well, I’m willing if I can just stand behind cutouts back in my pro-belly-dancer days. Seven years, several attempts at hormone therapy, and 40 pounds later, maybe not so much…
But I can cuss in four languages and make a sailor wince. That’s got to be good for something, no?
reader said,
March 17, 2006 at 5:36
Ooh, you guys are gonna make such fans of the feminist blogs with this one.
Dude, you’re totally oppressing me with your narrow-minded, liberal political correctness (I’M JOKING).
But seriously, if we can’t count on Sadly, No! to ask the hard, if sort of tasteless, questions (like “Where R the Democratic Hottieez?”), then who can we count on to ask them?
Demogenes Aristophanes said,
March 17, 2006 at 7:22
“But I can cuss in four languages and make a sailor wince. That’s got to be good for something, no?”
That would be teh 4ws0m3. Actually, you could just rework Coulter’s most famous line to make it appropriate to Republicans:
“We should invade their country clubs, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity.”
verplanck colvin said,
March 17, 2006 at 13:06
Shouldn’t that be Wiccan? Or Rastafarian?
Yosef said,
March 17, 2006 at 15:24
Nobody can rant like AG.
Demogenes Aristophanes said,
March 17, 2006 at 15:37
No, if they started to behave like actual Christians, it would be quite an accomplishment. I say that as an atheist.
Res Publica said,
March 17, 2006 at 15:45
None of those women are actually pretty. It’s just that your generic hetero-republican American patriarch can’t tell the difference between “pretty” and “over-made-up and dressed like a slut”. Because, let’s get real, when it comes to women, they’re not into aesthetic appreciation. They like their sexbots to radiate a constant and unambiguous message that their vaginas are costantly available to serve the needs of white men, even white men as side-splittingly heinous as that choad Pammy is dancing with in that LGF partay pic.
I mean really, Debbie? Debbie is not only not pretty, but actively tore-up looking. She screams “if I sex up my makeup enough, someone will love me for sure!”.
ACG said,
March 17, 2006 at 21:11
Republican men are so uncomfortable with the idea of actual female empowerment that they’re only turned on by women who reek of desperation. It’s little to do with boobs and mostly to with the silent cries of, “I’m nothing without the approval of a man, so please come and ooooooogle meeeeee!” Like Spanish Fly to them.
Ron Mexico said,
March 17, 2006 at 21:17
We could counter-skank the Republicans. We have the technology. However, we can’t get Janeane Garofalo to cooperate.
Lucy said,
March 17, 2006 at 21:59
If Shakespeare’s Sister is game, so am I. I might need a waist-cincher, though. Otherwise, just slap a little more makeup on me, tell me to look bitchy and ludicrously, baselessly conceited (the facial expression of choice for Wing-Hos, apparently), and I’m your gal.By the way, is it Schlussel to the right of Coulter? Those aren’t plastic-surgery lips; they’re crappy-makeup-trick lips. She’s got her lips outlined outside of the actual borders to make them look “pouty,” then she’s filled them in with heinous matte-white lipstick. Which is supposed to give a trompe l’oeil effect of big lips, dontcha know. Does it work? Sadno.
Gavin M. said,
March 17, 2006 at 22:38
Which is supposed to give a trompe l’oeil effect of big lips, dontcha know.
Oh no, not the old ‘trump Louie’ trick again. Ol’ Louie’s going to wise up one of these days.
Lucy said,
March 17, 2006 at 22:56
Sorry for lapsing into French-itude just then. You’d never catch one of those right-wing bitchez doing that, which is just one reason why they are so much hotter than we are, I guess. That and the advocacy of violent suppression of dissent and establishment of concentration camps for minorities.
signed,
Lucy, the third twin, after Lynx and Lamb (didn’t you ever notice the similarity in our names?)
Otto Man said,
March 17, 2006 at 23:26
Yikes. I clicked on that first link to see what a lefty blogger babe looked like, and got cockblocked by World o’Crap’s images of K. Lo and a man named Jennifer Morse. That’s cold, man.
RETARDO said,
March 18, 2006 at 0:30
oh jill at feministe ooh lala. finally, someone who might appreciate me again since marie jon’ took my swiss army abortion kit and bong collection in the divorce.
comandante agi said,
March 18, 2006 at 5:50
Sexist bastards!
miriam said,
March 20, 2006 at 1:47
The 9/11 highjackers weren’t cowards? Perhaps you can think of another name for someone who attacks an unarmed 120-lb female flight attendant in the friendly skies. Just asking.
Lucy said,
March 20, 2006 at 17:13
Just answering: How about “violent madman,” “idiot,” or “murderer”? Taking over a plane and flying it into a building is scary, right? Even more scary than killing a flight attendant, I’m sure, because in doing so you know you, too, will die. Where does cowardice come into it? If the flight attendant threatened them and they ran behind a seat, whimpering, that would be cowardly.Just because a name is bad doesn’t mean it fits everything a bad person does. Words matter. And just because someone says a bad person isn’t cowardly, it doesn’t mean that someone likes what the bad person did.
Major Woody said,
March 21, 2006 at 6:42
Excellent point, Lucy. For example, I could call someone who finds Ann Coulter to be at all attractive insane, or asthetically challenged, or scary-goofy, but I would be wrong to call them a coward. I’d probably be correct if I called them a wingnut, though.
Sadly, No! said,
April 28, 2006 at 17:09
Scaring White People for Fun and Profit (and Votes!)
The Editors makes an excellent point: Modern conservatism, and the Republican party it serves, exists by scaring white people. When the rubber hits the road, the people who run the show just want to get paid (which is why the…