Does Debbie drive stick?

Posted at 19:24 by Gavin M.

Apparently bored of reviewing movies she hasn’t seen, Debbie Schlussel explains:

Ford Must Take A Stand on Gay Advertising

A lot of straight people, who far outnumber gays, don’t exactly want to drive a “gay car.” Remember the gay-specific marketing of the Subaru, using Martina Navratilova as its spokesman? No straight human wanted to drive a Lesbaru.

Yes. Ha ha, that’s a good one. But that’s also the whole reason why most modern cars are equipped with these:

Lambda sensor

People think they’re to meter oxygen in the exhaust, but they’re not — they detect molecules of Gay coming from the passenger cabin, and transmit a radio signal back to Corporate HQ, cancelling the lease program. Otherwise you’d have this sort of thing going on all across America:

A typical gay man attempting to shop at a suburban Wal-Mart.

America is not ready for a gay automotive onslaught. As liberals, we hope that someday homosexuals will prove themselves responsible enough to own cars, but until that day, we must side with Debbie Schlussel:

Ford will have to take a stand and decide whether or not it will advertise in gay media–and accept the consequences of its decision. It cannot have it both ways.

Because after all, isn’t ‘having it both ways’ the gateway to the homosexual lifestyle? We’re frankly tired of homosexuals trying to cram their beliefs down our throats. They could at least give us a courtesy tap once in awhile.

[Seb adds: Navratilova's Subaru ads were introduced in 2001. What was the at-the-time best year in Subaru history? 2001:

Subaru of America, Inc. (SOA), a pioneer of crossover all-wheel drive vehicles designed for the active lifestyle, announced today its best total sales result on record, posting a year-end total of 185,944 units. [...] The final 2001 tally represents an 8% increase from 2000 totals for the comparable period.

2002 showed a 3% decrease, but was nevertheless Subaru’s third best year ever. 2003? Best ever. 2005? Third consecutive year of growth. Which leaves the 2002 recession year as the only non-growth year in the last 5 years. Damn you, lesbians, damn you!]

[Gavin adds: See Car Talk for the Ultimate Gay and Lesbian Cars.]


  1. Pinko Punko said,

    January 17, 2006 at 22:04

    Lesbaru? Is that like the Likudniks refusing to drive Goyotas? Sheesh, there never was anything more gay than a Hummer. What about the Ford AssExplorer? That’s pretty gay.

  2. tigrismus said,

    January 17, 2006 at 22:11

    I had to look up the Navratilova ad info because I never saw it. It came out in 2001, and yet I still see Subarus on the road. The darn things are everywhere, even in my own driveway! Darn those gays and their sassy, reliable, all-wheel-drive agenda!

  3. yagi said,

    January 17, 2006 at 22:16

    We tried to be tolerant with our Mercury Monarch. But when it started openly flirting with Jeep Patriots and Honda Passports, we knew we had to seek help.

    That’s when we learned about new, Techron Y. It’s a special fuel additive that boosts your car’s masculinity. After using Techron Y for five tanks, our Monarch lost all interest in metrosexual cross-over cars.

  4. Luther said,

    January 17, 2006 at 22:21

    Wait a minute…my wife drives a Subaru.

    Crap…you mean she’s been having sweaty lesbo sex behind my back all these years?

    I gotta quit taking those sleeping pills and start laying in bed on my left side so’s I can watch.

  5. twig said,

    January 17, 2006 at 22:22

    Hey, Sadly No? Mr. Seb No?

    You might be interested in this?

    I was reading over at Shakespeare’s Sister, and they mentioned soldiers who bought their own body armor were being forced not to use it, and considering you discussed this earlier in the week, I thought you might be interested.

  6. Luther's wife's lover said,

    January 17, 2006 at 22:26

    No worries, Luther, you’re not missing anything.

  7. D. Sidhe said,

    January 17, 2006 at 22:43

    Pinko Punko beat me to the Hummer joke.
    The most disturbing moment I ever had in a Toys R Us was a man telling his wife that he was getting their young son “a little Hummer” for Christmas, and her agreeing that he was “old enough” and that it was “cute”.
    I fled.

    What’s the deal with “straight human”, btw? Am I hypersensitive after a prolonged, uh, decade, of media homohating, or is she suggesting that non-straights are non-humans?

  8. Sick o'rightwingers said,

    January 17, 2006 at 23:03

    She’d like to write but feels safer just gay-bashing:

    A lot of white people, who far outnumber black, don’t exactly want to drive a “black car.” Remember the black-specific marketing of the Cadillac, using Tiger Woods as its spokesman? No white human wanted to drive a blackbaru.


    A lot of Christian people, who far outnumber Jews, don’t exactly want to drive a “Jew car.” No Christian human wanted to drive a Jew-baru.”

  9. BruceH said,

    January 17, 2006 at 23:04

    D: Having not taken the time to read the article, I’ll have to take a page out of Debbie’s playbook and say yes, that is exactly what she is saying.

  10. Steve M. said,

    January 17, 2006 at 23:11

    Drive a couple hours north of NYC and all you see on the roads, apart from pickups and SUVs, are Subarus. In a lot of areas of New England, it’s the same deal. Ditto northern New Mexico, where my in-laws live. You buy a Subaru in those areas because in the winter the temperature goes above freezing during the day and then below freezing at night, and the precipitation on the ground goes melt-freeze-melt-freeze all winter, so you want 4-wheel drive in order not to die skidding on black ice.

    Even if it turns you GAY GAY GAY!!!!

  11. Nombrilisme Vide said,

    January 17, 2006 at 23:12

    What about the Ford AssExplorer? That’s pretty gay.

    I always thought it was such a pity that Ford quit making Probes back in ’98. But at least we still have the Explorer. And I dunno, with a properly obsessive homophobic paranoia, Freestyles and Rangers can sound kinda bent, too…

  12. Gavin M. said,

    January 17, 2006 at 23:18

    Re: Ford Probe,

    There’s still the PT Cruiser.

    Even if it turns you GAY GAY GAY!!!!

    Hey man, I drive old Saabs — they wreak a swath of Gay that’s marvelous to behold.

  13. dtestd said,

    January 17, 2006 at 23:27

    huh. so that’s why everyone keeps calling my Subaru Legacy the “The L Word”.

  14. tigrismus said,

    January 17, 2006 at 23:30

    My husband of 15 years and I are two for two with the ultimate gay-mobiles. Take that, Debbie Schlussel!

  15. Spence said,

    January 18, 2006 at 0:00

    I used to drive the gayest car on the planet, a yellow Wrangler. I was even in the closet back then, but my car was not!

  16. Luther said,

    January 18, 2006 at 0:34

    Hey, I may not be missing much, but you gals certainly are!

    9.5 on the ultimate scale of manliness…and I drive a compact car. (nudge, nudge…wink, wink))

  17. Mal de mer said,

    January 18, 2006 at 1:25

    Jesus….did Titsy Schlussel manage to get all the Muslims shipped off to concentration camps and now have too much time on her hands?

  18. Anonymous said,

    January 18, 2006 at 2:33

    No straight human wanted to drive a Lesbaru.

    Thousands of people in Alaska are going to be shocked to find out their cars have “the ghey”. Seriously, you can’t pass a driveway in Anchorage that doesn’t have a Subaru in the driveway. My brother has two.

  19. Vladi G said,

    January 18, 2006 at 2:34

    That last one was from me, though after reading that last sentence, I kind of wish it wasn’t.

  20. Auguste said,

    January 18, 2006 at 3:53

    Vladi, Portland is the same way.

    Besides, gay cars are nothing new.

  21. mdhåtter said,

    January 18, 2006 at 3:54

    not 6 hours ago I purchased a used subaru…. from a lesbian!!!

  22. Luther said,

    January 18, 2006 at 4:20

    Wait just another minute…my wife owns a USED Subaru.

    Does all the gayness of a vehicle rub off on the original owner?

    If so, I am in the clear!

  23. Ron Mexico said,

    January 18, 2006 at 6:39

    Funny how Jeep Wranglers seem to have crossover appeal to both gay men and lesbians. Possibly one of the few places where their tastes coincide.

  24. Pinko Punko said,

    January 18, 2006 at 9:02

    SLC is queen and queen of the Subaru- all the non-momo peeps working at the university drive ‘em. it is like a weird cult in the parking lot. Suburbans for the Mos, Subarus for the noMos.

  25. celticgirl said,

    January 18, 2006 at 12:47

    Well, it figures the Tappit Brothers would be all over this issue…

    Thanks for the link!

  26. Brando said,

    January 18, 2006 at 16:11

    Jeez, first Debbie doesn’t want lesbians dunking on her, now she doesn’t want them driving around her. Next she’s going to demand that they stop teeing off while she’s putting.

  27. Anne said,

    January 18, 2006 at 18:56

    I noticed that about all the Subarus in New England too.

  28. JRoth said,

    January 18, 2006 at 19:08

    I just want to point out that that Wal-Mart photo is totally faked. Why would there be a tree anywhere near a WalMart!?

  29. Cheetoh said,

    January 18, 2006 at 19:13

    “a pioneer of crossover .. vehicles designed for the active lifestyle”

    Sounds more bisexual to me.

  30. Alexander Wolfe said,

    January 18, 2006 at 22:22

    I’d also say the fact that they’re trying to “have it both ways” indicates a campaign aimed more at bisexuals.

  31. mdhåtter said,

    January 19, 2006 at 3:47

    Pinko, when you say “Mo” and “in SLC”, are you referring to (Ho)Mos? or Mo(rmon)s?

  32. mdhåtter said,

    January 19, 2006 at 3:49

    not to mention the new “Jeep Commando”

  33. Marq said,

    January 19, 2006 at 8:20

    The Car Talk link was teh funny. I happen to drive something pretty close to #7, the Saturn SC1. I have a ’01 SL1, which was the last year they made those before replacing them with the Ion, if I’m not mistaken. I always went for those because 1.) They were relatively cheap, and 2.) they were pretty reliable, unlike, say, those piece-of-shit Dodge Neons. Plus, it gets better that 30mpg, which doesn’t hurt these days. Next time, a hybrid, if I can afford one.

  34. Marq said,

    January 19, 2006 at 9:32

    BTW, why is that “gay” man holding a piece of white cardboard over his schnitzel? Is he ashamed of his puny, gay winkle, or what?

  35. Sylvanite said,

    January 19, 2006 at 16:15

    I shudder to think what driving a ’98 Chevy Metro LSI means for me. Other than that I’m poor and desperately uncool, that is.

  36. Mass Hypnosis said,

    January 21, 2006 at 21:51

    wow. all this time i thought that my car needed a tuneup. turned out it was gay. who’da thunk it?

  37. bluememe said,

    January 22, 2006 at 2:18

    The lambda sensor gag is brilliant … wish I knew someone I could forward it to who would get it.

  38. Shoe Lover: News, Views, Sales, Accessories said,

    January 25, 2006 at 20:43

    Gay Marriage

    In light of recent changes in government in Canada and the ever growing reach of conservative groups in the United States, Shoelover has been asked, by many people, including a number of Massachusetts conservative groups, to comment on gay

  39. Dionise said,

    March 3, 2006 at 2:29

    emwwtvvge gaoij

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