16
Best Sentence Ever
Pastor Swank, who recently found fame over in Britain, offers us the following tidbit:
Muslim murderers global are now taking names for suicide bomber squads who have AIDS. The Islamic fanatics have refined their murder craft now to include death by AIDS splash.
That sounds like a new brand of fruit juice or something- “When you’re hot and thirsty, try cooling down with a refreshing glass of AIDS Splash!” I bet it tastes really good with Freedom Spread.
At least the AIDS suicide bomber will blow himself into Allah land where 70 fresh virgins per Muslim male will meet his pleasure. These souls will never actually come face-to-face to converse with Allah; but obviously that’s okay when spending one’s forever in the sack.
I was going to write a clever one-liner here, but nothing I came up with was as funny as the actual sentence. Well done, P-Swank! Thou hast outfoxed me yet againe!
Hysterical Woman said,
January 16, 2006 at 18:22
Can you really pass AIDS by splashing your blood everywhere?
Timmah420 said,
January 16, 2006 at 18:25
I know that “Experts have found that bones and other blood-spattered fragments from a suicide bomber could penetrate the skin of a victim 50 metres away and infect them.” but I just don’t see it.
Call me an idealist, but if America had taken the three billion or more that It’s costing to destroy Iraq and put that money into Research and Humanitarian efforts, we probably either would have a cure by now or at least would have made great progress in curtailing it in areas that it’s spreading rampantly. (I’m looking at you various parts of Africa)
It would have totally been a win-win situation, If it was a cure, they could could ride the shit out of that patent, like they do for all the other drugs they force other countries to buy at outrageous prices, and the economy would boom, either way America’s standing in the world shoots up like crazy, and they get more leeway to do stupid, reckless shit like… well, invade Iraq.
I know some people like to think that unless the army is actively killing brown people, terrorists will blow up America, but I imagine somehow they’re mistaken about that.
heydave said,
January 16, 2006 at 19:49
Swank’s ire riseth! Especially after losing out in S.Z.’s wingnut of the year contest. On second thought, he’s really just cruising on his own Joementum of nuttiness, spiraling ever onward.
yagi said,
January 16, 2006 at 20:05
As an aside, I don’t think 70 fresh virgins is worth a violent death. I mean, if one were to really dedicate their life to it, they could probably sack 70 virgins over a number of years. True, I only managed three before getting hitched, but someone with a singleness of purpose could probably pull it off. And live to tell the tale!
Please share that tale in soc.voyeurism.virgins.
The tECHIDNA said,
January 16, 2006 at 21:01
At least the AIDS suicide bomber will blow himself into Allah land where 70 fresh virgins per Muslim male will meet his pleasure.
I wonder what definition of “blow” da Swanksta G is using?
These souls will never actually come face-to-face to converse with Allah; but obviously that’s okay when spending one’s forever in the sack.
Ah, there’s my answer. He’s metaphorically advocating against Sexual Orals Global!
I think an entire field of linguistics, or at least a new Google language, can and should be made of Swank’s writings.
I call it “Swanklish.”
Oh, FTLOG said,
January 16, 2006 at 21:25
If nothing else, Swank’s AIDS theory should be incentive for ole Ben Shapiro to bite the bullet and lose his virginity (to MJ?). Or else, he might find himself in Alla’s anteroom with 69 of his nearest and dearest.
D. Sidhe said,
January 16, 2006 at 21:33
*sigh*
Oh, FTLOG beat me to it.
Well, I’ll just say that I agree that seventy VBen clones isn’t worth a violent death.
Or even a bad dinner date, to be honest.
Oh, FTLOG said,
January 16, 2006 at 21:45
Just the thought of Ben waiting at Allah’s gate makes me wanna hole up in my padded room wearing my new and improved body armor.
Timmah420 said,
January 16, 2006 at 21:48
Well, I’ll just say that I agree that seventy VBen clones isn’t worth a violent death.
It is if it’s the clones doing the dying… and killing for that matter.
Shit… That would be awesome! Like running man but with all wingnut clones! 70 VBens go in, ONLY ONE COMES OUT!
EWI said,
January 16, 2006 at 23:15
where 70 fresh virgins per Muslim male will meet his pleasure.
Yes! Take that, Mr. Jonah “30 virgins” Goldberg.
El Miguel said,
January 17, 2006 at 0:35
but obviously that’s okay when spending one’s forever in the sack.
Is this “spending” in the “Victorian euphemism for ejaculating” sense?
jackd said,
January 17, 2006 at 3:34
My wife has just been exposed to Swanklish for the first time, and is convinced that while he’s probably insane in any language, there’s at least one he doesn’t mangle as badly as American English.
His one-line bio doesn’t say anything about where he was born or raised – anyone know?
Marq said,
January 17, 2006 at 4:02
I know the Muslims highly value virgins, and I’ve heard a lot of praise heaped on them by straight men, but, frankly, I just don’t get it. They are inept in bed. They just don’t know what to do…. or, if they do, they do it clumsily. Give me a well-seasoned slut, every time!
Jack of None said,
January 17, 2006 at 6:13
Give me a well-seasoned slut, every time!
I seem to remember someone saying that they didn’t want 70 virgins in the afterlife, just one woman who knew what she was doing.
But I guess “May God grant you seventy insatiable, extremely creative sluts in the afterlife” isn’t quite as euphonic.
Josie said,
January 17, 2006 at 17:48
70 Virgins each?
Times 1000 + bombers per year.
gives us a need for over 70,000 virgins per year.
Times… 10 years?
That means we need 700,000 virgins.
UNLESS…
Unless we “re-use” the same 70 Virgins over and over and over. He said you get to enjoy 70 women who are virgins.. and they Are.. in 1923. Enjoy the Time Warp.
Allah is Truely Great !
Auguste said,
January 17, 2006 at 18:09
That sounds like a new brand of fruit juice or something- “When you’re hot and thirsty, try cooling down with a refreshing glass of AIDS Splash!” I bet it tastes really good with Freedom Spread.
This reminds me of an Onion piece on the new safety rules of porn, in which actresses are encouraged to report bodily fluids which taste HIV-ish.
pessullivan said,
January 18, 2006 at 3:43
Would that be gay or straight virgins? And another question do they remain virgins forever? I’d like to know the definition of virgin.