Have you ever wondered what would happen if you stuffed copies of Dianetics, Atlas Shrugged and the Bible into a juicer, and then poured the resulting mixture on your crotch and then set your crotch on fire?
OK, so you probably haven’t, and that’s because you’re a semi-normal human being who doesn’t like having liquified books seered into your groin. But alas, not all of us are that rational. For instance, take Ronald E. Springer, a self-styled “philsopher” who has mixed the tenets of Evangelical Christianity, Objectivism and Scientology and brewed them into a simmering wingnut stew called “Moral Armor.” The end product reads something like a Chicken Soup for the Demonically Possessed.
Above: Ronald E. Springer. Yes, that’s really what he looks like.
To learn more about Springer and his wonderful “philosophy,” let’s read this manifesto that he posted on his homepage:
Most of us are committed to doing whatâ€™s right. We vow to uphold proper morals– wherever weâ€™ve learned them–as a dedication to goodness; to being the best person we can be. Most of us picture the ideal world as living in harmony with the flow of nature itself; youâ€™d tap into its grace and be at one with the universe, and I agree.
I honestly can’t figure out why anyone would long to be “at one with the universe.” The universe consists of floating rocks and gas balls that are sprinkled in between light years’ worth of cold, empty space. I’m personally much happier here on Earth, where I can at least get a steak-tip sub and an order of fries.
Imagine if you could achieve perfect moral clarity, rid yourself of fear, guilt and moral
hesitation, pass down traits of the greatest advantage, take total control and live a life
filled with invigoration and inner calm.
The downside is, you’ll end up looking like this:
My name is Ronald E. Springer. As a child, I experienced firsthand, the nightmare of dishonest people abusing others through a dishonest moral code. I endured, grew strong and broke free, but continued to run into problems in life, caused by mass moral confusion in society. With a philosophy background, I set out to change things. Someone has to stand up and fight for us.
As a result, Iâ€™ve developed an organic moral code that will show you exactly how to move through life with complete moral certainty. It will show you how to secure better relationships, safeguard your family, reform our countryâ€™s moral drift, and send evil packing.
But unfortunately, it can’t stop you from looking like a wanker:
Who Wants to Reverse Americaâ€™s Moral Decline?
I hope you’re concerned about it, because it deeply effects you. The war in Iraq, the terrorist attacks, even our bad economy is directly related to morality.
It’s true- did you know that aggregate demand shrinks by one half of one percent every time CBS shows a nipple on live TV?
It’s hard to feel spiritual when our culture is spiraling deeper into the mindless and the obscene:
-All Kids Need Sound Direction in Life, and We Should Start by Purifying the Media.
How one “purifies” the media without running roughshod over the First Amendment is anybody’s guess.
-We Need to Kick Pornography and Homosexuality Out of the Mainstream.
Can anybody explain to me why “Fags are Gross” is the central tenet of, like, every crackpot belief system?
-We Must Curb Politicians Regarding Wars, Rights Violations and Handouts.
That’s a pretty noble goal. And while we’re at it, we should also pass laws to stop bad things from ever happening anywhere.
-We Must Stop Our Jobs from Being Replaced with Slave Labor Overseas
I agree. Slave labor should only be practiced here at home.
Not since The Inquisition have we faced a moral crisis of such epic proportions, and little do we realize that these issues share the same solution.
You mean we should torture heretics?
Most adults consider our moral decline to be the single-most important issue in America today, but they feel helpless: few have any idea what to do about it. With 34,000 Christian sects, all separated by disagreements, itâ€™s no wonder. What on Earth should we follow?
Introducing Natureâ€™s Solution: An Organic Moral Code.
I always love these morons who think we can solve all the world’s problems by “returning to nature.” I’ve got news for you, guys. Nature isn’t just fluffy rabbits frolicking in sunflower fields. Nature is also full of slime molds, flesh-eating bacteria and parasitic bugs that lay eggs in your skin. In fact, there’s a damn good reason why we decided to leave nature in the first place: because it’s fucking disgusting. As George Carlin once said about health geeks who only eat “all-natural” foods: “Dog shit is all natural. It’s just not very good food.”
I remember feeling ridiculous or intimidated, but with nature behind me, that’s all changed.
“Indeed, now I only feel ridiculous.”
When I explain my views, others are often struck into silence and begin to listen.
Actually, they’re just nodding politely while carefully backing away.
Whether youâ€™re Christian, agnostic or atheist, youâ€™ll find Moral Armor a fascinating boost to your ethical awareness.
“And even if you don’t, the book is printed on super-soft pages that can double as toilet paper. Either way, it’s win-win.”
-Learn to Use Morality as the Life-Shaping Tool It was Meant to Be.
-Come to Stand on the Firmest Moral Ground.
-Discover For Certain Your Own Moral Worth, and as a Result, Immediately Enjoy Twice the Esteem Without Even Changing Anything!
In other words, you’ll still be a complete loser, but at least your moral tool will be firmer than everyone else’s.
After ten years of research…
…I deciphered what many philosophers down through the centuries have called a mystery: I found our pattern of cognition. I synthesized the pattern and then developed a moral/philosophical structure from it, which can be seen, tested and verified, in one sitting.
“I discovered this new level of consciousness by injecting Pixies Sticks powder into my eye sockets…”
Whatâ€™s amazing is that our pattern of thought matches exactly, the pattern necessary to sustain biological life.
One would hope so. I can’t speak for the rest of you, but I’d really hate to wake up one day and discover that my brain was secretly trying to do me in.
Offering naturally-irrefutable evidence, Moral Armor is a massive threat to evil. This is the juiciest part of the project, because with this pattern, you can practically see right through people. Their attack is now a silver-lined honor, and they will lose to my secret weapon…
I don’t have a PhD or anything, but when your philosophical treatise starts to sound like a fourth-rate Dungeons & Dragons manual, it’s time to hang up the spikes.
OK, let’s skip to the part where he partially endorses Objectivism:
The general hostility towards society that many students of Objectivism suffer has been washed away in a torrent of new clarity. Moral Armor has freed us of it, and no objective premises have been lost. Galt held the key; there was a way out!
Moral Armor will reveal:
-Why Objectivism is a Correct Moral Philosophy, but Not a Complete Moral
-How to Quickly Wipe Out the Isolation and Contempt Most Objectivists Feel
Against Those Outside.
-How to Regain Your Sense of Youth and Boundless Freedom.
This thing has gone from sounding like a D&D manual to sounding like a Viagra ad. I’m having a tough time deciding which is worse.
Now here’s the part where he praises scientology:
L. Ron Hubbard was on to something with his four-step view of human existence, but there was one catch: the steps he defined were not based on philosophical essentials.
L. Ron Hubbard also thought humanity was brought to the Earth 75 million years ago by an intergalactic space tyrant named Xenu. How this contributes anything useful to the discussion of morality is beyond me.
OK, that’s just about all I can take of “Moral Armor” right now. If you scroll further down the page, you’ll learn that you can also use “Moral Armor” to reverse the aging process and spice up your sex life. Seriously. You can try reading the rest for if you feel like giving yourself a gianormous headache.
(Oh, and “thanks” to reader Jeff for the tip. I think.)