19
Friday ‘what’s on your ear-pod?’ thread
Ugly American
?2005 Brian and Michelle Jacobsen
Go ahead and call me ugly, I promise that I won’t be mad,
If bein’ a patriot’s ugly, then I know I look pretty damn bad,
So go ahead and call me an Ugly American.
Well…
Just as conservative humor (q.v.) takes the form of jokes and wit without actually being funny or witty, conservative music somehow manages to put together all the elements of songwriting and performance without being musical.
Listen and see; it’s amazing and educational.
Having a snare drum be slightly off-time can be a good thing. Charlie Watts has a naturally relaxed snare hit, for instance, while Topper Headon’s is early. It can make a song’s whole tempo sound different than it is, and there are even techniques for getting those effects artificially: You can back a snare off with a delay unit, or speed it up by delaying the rest of the drum kit before tracking the other instruments. With digital recording, there are probably ways to do it with a mouse click.
But that’s all in the range of a few milliseconds, and one thing you never do is take a heavy, thick, propulsive-type snare sound and make it drag. People hear it and think, “Agh! This grates on my nerves in a way I can’t identify. It sounds tired and lame, like the band can’t get out of its own way.”
‘I Love America’ is like the ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ tribute song with Journey/Survivor keyboard sprinkles on it, or something — and damn me if that snare doesn’t start off by sliding a full sixteenth note down the hill with the whole band chasing it backwards on roller skates. And then the bass goes into funny curlicues with notes out of the scale, while the singer crams syllables into places they don’t want to go — wrapping up a verse with the immortal injunction, “Justshut yourbigba zoo.”
It’s like a… Well, I don’t know what it’s like. It resembles rock ‘n’ roll in nearly every particular, while somehow not actually being rock ‘n’ roll. It’s ‘conservative music’ — a thing of its own.
Most of the drums here sound programmed despite the main guy being a drummer (it can be hard to distinguish between 100% canned tracks and mixed machine/triggered tracks). But then…but then…what maniac would program nerve-wracking mistakes into his beats? Check out “Soldier’s Ballad.” How?! Why?!
We just learn and learn. The conservatives are far ahead of us in many ways.
Pinko Punko said,
August 19, 2005 at 8:23
I couldn’t bring myself to click. Your earlier mention of the La’s led me to review their oeuvre, and I am listening to Looking Glass right now, and I will be damned to hell with Trollypants, Jockstrap Johnson, Shortssniffer and Asshat before I will click those links..
trying not….
strangely compelled….
can’t…stop…reaching…..going to click….
YOU’RE KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
*Friday the 13th IV
GregH said,
August 19, 2005 at 8:27
er…….You’re Ugly!
or in the fashion of the troll…..
er……..Your Ugly!
F.M. Asshat said,
August 19, 2005 at 8:28
I see the lil pinko girlo dared to show up here again.
GregH said,
August 19, 2005 at 8:30
BTW, Marie just left a big pile of crap in her thread below. You guys should ask for a cleaning deposit.
GregH said,
August 19, 2005 at 8:36
Okay, I was brave and listened to their mp3s. That is about the most boring music I’ve ever heard.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……zzzzzzz
Gavin M. said,
August 19, 2005 at 8:48
Maybe the twin 12-year-old white power girls set too high a standard?
I think there’s a lot to love with these guys. They have sort of a Kaye Grogan vibe.
Gavin M. said,
August 19, 2005 at 8:54
I am listening to Looking Glass right now
A Jersey band! Do you have the whole album, or just ‘Brandy?’ The album rocks surprisingly hard…
GregH said,
August 19, 2005 at 8:56
Kaye Grogan Vibe? As Captain Trollypants would say….SPICY!
F.M. Asshat said,
August 19, 2005 at 9:04
Kaye Grogan Vibe
y_run_i_do said,
August 19, 2005 at 9:11
I see the lil pinko girlo dared to show up here again.
The statement is illogical. What does he(?) mean by “dared to show up”? Dared implies that there is some reason pinko punko shouldn’t be posting here. Pinko punko seems to be the one who posts more relevant comments on this site. Of course, Asshat doesn’t have to take this as a personal attack. I’m actually kind of curious what his(?) motivation is to spam juvenille taunts on this site, or any site in general. That’s just me talking, though.
F.M. Asshat said,
August 19, 2005 at 9:32
Hey Liberalace, you want to know why I’m so angry? Well maybe its’ because my Dad didn’t tell me he loved me when I was a kid. Nah, that ain’t it. It’s because you libs are fools and are hurting America!
Capt. Trollypants said,
August 19, 2005 at 9:37
Dumb Gavin- Looking Glass by the La’s.
FM, get Private and Major over to Three Bulls! we’ve been outted!
Gavin M. said,
August 19, 2005 at 9:38
Um, why do the trolls always appear at the same time as…
Not that I’m insinuating anything, mind you. We have a helluva time keeping trolls around here, so this is like a gift…
GregH said,
August 19, 2005 at 9:43
(pssssst, y_run_i_do don’t worry about the “trolls” there’s an explanation in the long thread maybe 50 or so comments up from the bottom. Also check out Pinko Punko’s site )
y_run_i_do said,
August 19, 2005 at 9:44
Are you responding to me with Liberalace, or did you even read my post?
I didn’t make any mention of angry in my post. If you were angry, I’m sure your posts would be angry, too. Maybe this is just your way of expressing anger, but these posts just seem like you’re posting nonsense just for the sake of trying to provoke liberals. And although this post seems to be the clearest you’ve been so far, it still doesn’t have the coherency to be angry.
I will say again that I’m not trying to provoke your contemptuous rebuttals, I would simply like you to give some coherent reason for these “attacks.”
Pinko Punko said,
August 19, 2005 at 9:45
Thanks, y_run. Sometimes I try to be serious, although its about 1% of the time. The rest of the time I pretend to be jumping around in the clouds with my animal friends singing tra-la-la. Then I wake up and realize how shitty the world is, and go back to sleep.
F.M. Asshat said,
August 19, 2005 at 9:46
Yh Gvn, w’r th gft tht kps n gvng…..nd ls y’re wrsd nghtmr!!!!!! Bwhhhh
[Hm. Never noticed this before. "For troll infestations, MoveableType provides a super embarrass-o vowel-deletion function. Click the..."]
y_run_i_do said,
August 19, 2005 at 9:47
Sorry, Greg, didn’t see your post until too late. Even though I’m not sure I want to take the time to scroll through 50 trolls at almost 3 in the morning, I’ll take your word for it and get back to you later.
y_run_i_do said,
August 19, 2005 at 10:00
Fine, I admit it, I couldn’t resist. Admittedly, it didn’t even help explain it to me. It looked like our trolls were just fake trolls who were just posting things to make fun of the way trolls type. Even when they insist they are real, it could be just a trick being played by one of the regulars.
Brad R. said,
August 19, 2005 at 13:13
Gavin, you’re going to hell for this. Sure you didn’t actually record the music, but dammit, you did put it out there for me to listen to. And that’s a sufficiently vile act to warrant eternal damnation.
Brad R. said,
August 19, 2005 at 13:19
Also, I didn’t believe you when you said they intentionally programmed the drums off-beat, but I listened to their Ray Charles tribute “Love Song” and… Jesus Christ, they DID.
Major Shortssniffer said,
August 19, 2005 at 15:27
y_run is a torll of the worst kind! He doesn’t even know why we’re trying to get these dumbocrats to listen to our points! Wat a losser!!
very very devilish said,
August 19, 2005 at 16:45
Funny how when they claim certain tracks “rock”, there is a definite and quantifiable lack of rocking.
Rock and plastic patriotism = wrong on every level.
Hemlock Echo said,
August 19, 2005 at 17:18
it’s about 9-11…it rocks…hard…enough said
Sure, you’ve all been sad and somber when reflecting on 9-11… but have you ever moshed to it?
Hemlock Echo said,
August 19, 2005 at 17:21
Yh Gvn, w’r th gft tht kps n gvng…..nd ls y’re wrsd nghtmr
Even without the vowels, I can still see the typos and poor grammar. What are you, Our Worsed Naughtmore? Our Wrased Nightmare?
Michael said,
August 19, 2005 at 17:27
OK, I’ll bite. Which one’s Brian, and which one’s Michelle?
Capt. Trollypants said,
August 19, 2005 at 18:22
I prefer the term democrotards, Major, I think it is more fitting.
SUCK IT!!!!
F.M. Asshat said,
August 19, 2005 at 18:40
Word out to Major S and Capt. T! *Hi5*
mdhatter said,
August 19, 2005 at 18:44
“It’s because you libs are fools and are hurting America!”
no, we’re fooling the hurt, and liberalizing america.
welcome aboard.
mdhatter said,
August 19, 2005 at 18:45
and oh yeah, you’re being a unitard fcuk-wad.
mdhatter said,
August 19, 2005 at 18:55
plastic flags
wrong on every level
any ‘you trolls got a chain and a pipe I can tie to my bumper? I gotta go dishonor me some veterans.
Major Cock-up said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:03
Hey, wiseacre, you got a problem with unitards?
mdhatter said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:06
No,
but in my 13 years online, I have learned that trolls are invatiable insecure in their own positions, fighting that inadequacy by shouting others down.
good for you and all that, but a good walk is more cathartic.
jsut some advice.
mdhatter said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:07
oooh, 13 years and my typing still sucks
‘invariably insecure’
F.M. Asshat said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:08
How dare you say that the AMERICAN flag is wrong on every level. AMERICA LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT! Chump!!!!
Gavin M. said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:10
Are those trolls back again?
Hey trolls, stop annoying mdhatter and guys like that, or else Greg and Pinko will come kick your ass again.
Major Cock-up said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:11
OH YEAH?! WHEN I WANT YOU’RE OPINION I’LL ASK FOR IT BUT I WON’T BECAUSE YOUR FUL OF POOP AND I DON’T LISTEN TO POOP-HEAD LIBRULS! NOW DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY!
*peeks at tush*
mdhatter said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:14
the joke is:
“when i want your opinion, i’ll give it to you”
it’s not poop, it’s shit.
it’s not tush, it’s ass, and don’t peek too hard, the sun shining out will blind you.
how droll. Can i stay any further ahead of you?
of course I can.
got any new hillary jokes?
GregH said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:15
Asshat, You’re the asshatiest asshat in asshatdom. You can’t spell, you can’t think and you drink Coors Lite. You represent everything that’s wrong with America. Stupid sicko freak!
MDHatter, check out PinkoPunko’s site. He’s got pictures of these chumps. Let me tell you it ain’t pretty!
Major Cock-up said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:23
hhaha very funny. You people think you are alwyas so effing hilarous, but you got nothing on Frank J. And nobodys looking at your skinny butt, so dream on. Wisacre.
mdhatter said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:27
then who was peeking at my tush when I was just giving 50?
it’s the blind one.
mdhatter said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:28
was ‘hilarous’ a hillary joke?
not bad if it was.
odoggy said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:32
Holy crap, that was horrible. Enough said.
mdhatter said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:34
coors light?
the silver bullet?
seriously?
That stuff gives me THE worst beer-sclhitz.
Budweiser too.
PBR, Miller high-life, not so bad, but I mostly brew my own.
As for pictures, don’t need them. I caught a whiff earlier.
GregH said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:41
There’s something very strange about these trolls. As PinkoPunko put it earlier something very meta. They’re everywhere (in the long thread and at Pinko Punko’s site) and seem to have some inside knowledge. I can’t quite place my finger on it but they seem familiar especially that FM Asshat nimrod.
FM Asshat said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:43
Hey Greg H, EAT IT! You Phil Donahue loving freak!
GregH said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:44
Oh and another thing, Asshat always seems to be around when I’m here. It’s like he’s following me.
FM Asshat said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:45
Greg H, AGAIN…EAT IT!
GregH said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:45
A
FM Asshat said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:46
B
GregH said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:46
C
FM Asshat said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:47
D
GregH said,
August 19, 2005 at 19:47
Hmmmm, very strange, indeed.
Anonymous said,
August 19, 2005 at 20:00
Let’s see there’s Gavin, Brad, Seb and Jeff. There’s also Trollypants, Asshat, Jockstrap Johnson and Shortsniffer. Hmmm……?
Anonymous said,
August 19, 2005 at 20:11
It would irresponsible not to speculate.
Gavin M. said,
August 19, 2005 at 20:19
Ah, but what if we’re writing all the comments? In fact, what if there’s only Seb, and the others are merely sock puppets?
Oh, FTLOG said,
August 19, 2005 at 20:20
Hey, Asshat…. real troll or not, a warning would be nice when you’re including a link that pops up with a giant picture of a dildo. Believe it or not, some of us “libs” have children around the house, bosses to look out for, etc. Surprises like that can cause problems.
Just askin’ for a little visual respect.
Thx.
FM Asshat said,
August 19, 2005 at 20:23
Sorry, won’t happen again. It was just too incredible that such a thing existed.
GregH said,
August 19, 2005 at 20:26
So Gavin, are you hinting that Seb is Marie Jon’?
Gavin M. said,
August 19, 2005 at 20:31
How do you know you’re not Seb?
Anonymous said,
August 19, 2005 at 20:32
Just listened to ‘I Love America.’ It sounds like it was recorded in a sewer.
GregH said,
August 19, 2005 at 20:32
Dude, you just so blew my mind! Wow…
GregH said,
August 19, 2005 at 20:51
So if Seb is me and Marie Jon’ is Seb that means that I’m Marie Jon’.
I feel so dirty
GregH said,
August 19, 2005 at 22:02
Is that a Peepo thong on Brian’s head?
puginov said,
August 20, 2005 at 5:37
Is Topper still playing?
Gavin M. said,
August 20, 2005 at 5:44
I don’t know; he had a bad heroin problem for years. But he also wrote ‘Rock the Casbah,’ so he should’ve had steady income at least.
chimera said,
August 20, 2005 at 8:36
Topper is Marie Jon’? I didn’t know that weird chick could sing like that! And a troll to boot. Wow. Amazing.
Thlayli said,
August 20, 2005 at 16:05
Needs more cowbell!
Marq said,
August 20, 2005 at 16:53
OK, so you’ve done several posts on “conservative humor.”and there basically wasn’t any. Now a couple of posts on “conservative rock,” and once again, it doesn’t seem to exist. So please, please, please do a report on “conservative porn!”
Pinko Punko said,
August 20, 2005 at 20:37
I have about had it with Asshat. He is everywhere and nowhere all at once. I think they should just ban him from all threads save one, where his lonely shrieks of protestation can be seen by all.
Sporkey said,
August 20, 2005 at 22:11
Maybe the PP thong has the incredible powers to do this.
Jim said,
August 21, 2005 at 1:44
Sorry this is late and actually related to the topic of Gavin’s original post.It can make a song’s whole tempo sound different than it is, and there are even techniques for getting those effects artificially: You can back a snare off with a delay unit, or speed it up by delaying the rest of the drum kit before tracking the other instruments. With digital recording, there are probably ways to do it with a mouse click.Well, pre-digital, they wouldn’t use a delay unit, they’d have messed with the tape speed. All a delay unit is is a glorified Echoplex. But your last point, about the mouse clickability of it all, is probably one of the reasons that I find so much studio-created rock and pop music so dead and lifeless these days (techno/trance/house and hip-hop? Whole other kettle o’ fish).I read stuff like these all the time on music boards: “On the 3rd verse of Custard Pie, Bonham slows down a little! He can’t keep time! He sux!” That’s what makes those records crackle with energy: it was actually people standing in a room recording together, not stuff recorded months apart on a hard drive. The music *breathes*, it has push and pull. I’m baffled at this “drummers should be human metronomes” idea; it’s the human element that makes those records so great, not something to be corrected with AutoTune and Cubase.
Jim said,
August 21, 2005 at 1:46
Oh, crap. Now I see your point about the use of delay units. Damn heat.
Gavin M. said,
August 21, 2005 at 2:12
Yeah, see, if you want to speed up the snare relative to the rest of the drum tracks, you’d have to do it with a delay unit, slowing everything else down and leaving the snare dry.
It’s a bit of a tradeoff because any bleedthrough on the snare mic will sound terrible — and the easiest way to get rid of it is to put a heavy gate on the snare, which kills a lot of the ‘air’ in the sound.
But it’s done. A lot of Tom Petty songs have the snare pushed ahead. The beauty of the trick is that it’s REALLY hard to tell that what you’re hearing is an early snare. It just sounds like the song is brighter and more propulsive…
poprenaissance said,
August 23, 2005 at 22:35
The La’s freakin’ RULE. My band Hope Chest just recorded a version of “Feelin’” for a b-side.
If anyone wants rare La’s tracks, like the session they did with Pete DeFreitas from Echo & the Bunnymen, drop me a line.
mdhatter said,
August 31, 2005 at 20:22
for the record
duh