Well, I’m sure you’re all as horrified by Sandra Day O’Connor’s retirement as I am, since now Bush will get to appoint at least two far-right loony-toons to the highest court in the land. Bloggers everywhere are offering their thoughtful, sophisticated opinions over whom Bush will nominate.
I’d do the same, except I’m neither thoughtful nor sophisticated, so I’ll settle for taking some cheap shots at wingnuts. So sit back and enjoy while I predict Bush’s most likely Supreme Court nominees!!!
Pros: Ben’s self-heralded virginity ensures his confirmation hearing won’t be sullied by embarrassing tales involving public hair and Coke cans.
Cons: No real experience in the courtroom or the bedroom; support for court-mandated bans on porno and prostitution won’t go over well with Bush’s corporate donors.
Notable quote: “I’m 21 years old, a columnist, an author, a graduate of UCLA, a Harvard law student — and a virgin. And I’m proud of it… It’s no wonder that because of my outspoken advocacy of traditional morality in general and of virginity in particular, I’ve become a favorite target of Internet leftists, who often refer to me as ‘The Virgin Ben.’”
2.) Justice Prophet Yahweh.
Pros: Bush can claim credit for appointing another minority judge; Justice Yahweh can spice up court rulings by summoning UFOs to attack justices who dissent from his opinions.
Cons: The Christian right won’t care much for his claims that humans were created by space aliens, or that Jesus was gay; isn’t a far-right loony-toon, he’s just a loony-toon.
Notable quote: “Prophet is in direct telephatic (sic) contact with his space being friends. They have revealed that they will send UFOs as soon as Prophet starts asking for them to appear.”
Pros: Another potential minority justice; The Washington Times will stop bitching about left-wing activist judges; the Christian right will love his plan to abolish “free sex” by controlling “the love organ.”
Cons: Shady dealings with North Korea could come back to haunt him; despite his hard-right stance on social issues, his Unification Cult is widely despised by most Christians.
Notable quote: “My enemies are America and Christianity. How am I going to win over those enemies. God’s way is to get hit and win. Everybody opposed Father but I do not hate those who opposed me.”
4.) Justice Fred Phelps.
Pros: Unlike the other nominees mentioned so far, Phelps actually has a law degree (though he was disbarred 25 years ago).
Cons: Will inscribe “God Hates Fags” as the 11th Commandment on the sculpture of Moses outside the Supreme Court building.
Notable quote: “Hear the word of the LORD, America, fag-enablers are worse than the fags themselves, and will be punished in the everlasting lake of fire!”
Pros: His writing is so indecipherable that it can be interpreted any which way, making him Justice O’Connor’s de facto replacement as the court’s “swing” vote; will provide many hilarious rulings on “homo nups” and “the killing of womb babies global.”
Cons: Uhm, he’s Pastor Swank.
Notable quote: “Now all America needs to be apprised of is that what Frist set forth is kept tidily in place.”