Jun
29
29
Ft. Braggapalooza
Well, I’m convinced. I admit I had my doubts at times, but as the man said, we’re winning in Iraq, and it’s a hell of a lot better to be fighting those 9/11 terrorists over there, by spreading democracy in the mideast, than fighting them on US soil. That’ll show the liberal media and the naysayer Democrats.
Thanks, you’ve been very helpful. That’s all I wanted to know.
[Columbo turns around, hunched over in his dirty overcoat and pointing an index finger.] Oh wait, one thing.
What about…
this and this
and this
and this and this and this
and this
and this
and this and this and this and this and this and this and…
bartkid said,
June 29, 2005 at 5:14
Y’know, he forgot to mention how the search for WMDs is going.
Gavin M. said,
June 29, 2005 at 5:28
Hey man, I was all excited about the Mars mission. Someone needs to ask him how that’s been progressing.
res publica said,
June 29, 2005 at 5:37
As if anyone ever asks him about the progress on any of his countless insane proposals and “ideas”. Mars…right…we’re “going” to Mars in precisely the same way that there are “WMD” in Iraq and Social Security is “going broke”.
Gavin M. said,
June 29, 2005 at 5:44
Well, at least we’re getting rid of steroids in professional sports.
res publica said,
June 29, 2005 at 5:56
I wish some of his insane ideas were at least FUN…like, i dunno, flying cars…space monorails…shit like that.
Gavin M. said,
June 29, 2005 at 6:35
Repopulating the earth with dinosaurs, building mile-long dirigibles, yeah.
This guy is going to look back on his legacy and be like, “Trillions in deficits! Why in God’s name didn’t I build some giant robots when I had the chance?”
res publica said,
June 29, 2005 at 6:42
Totally. I mean we’ve got all this genetic engineering technology, and the best we can come up with is, like, some new kind of CORN? Fuck that. We need some flying monkeys up in this shack.
Gavin M. said,
June 29, 2005 at 6:58
Mutant ape slaves. That and a moonbase, and we’re in the 21st Century for sure.
Strangely enough (and this is true) science doesn’t know whether or not humans can breed with chimpanzees — it’s not impossible given what we know about the human and chimp genomes, but the necessary experiments have simply never been done.
Now, say what you want about Bush = chimp, but if he were to initiate that project while calling in the Army Corps of Engineers for a feasibility study on burying the Statue of Liberty…
I mean the polls can’t get much worse, right?
melior said,
June 29, 2005 at 6:59
Osama who?
jexter said,
June 29, 2005 at 7:22
Flying cars. We were fucking promised flying cars. Anybody seen a flying car anywhere? I mean, you don’t even see them in sci-fi movies anymore! What the fuck’s up with that? Flying cars are all of a sudden too fucking advanced for even sci-fi movies???
Shit, I wish I was born a hundred years from now. I’d have some ccol shit then. Shit.
Gavin M. said,
June 29, 2005 at 7:43
Hell, there’ve been lots of flying cars since the ’50s. Do a Google search on ‘Moller Skycar’ for a contemporary one. Slick as hell. Except we never seem to get any of them.
Not to mention personal jetpacks and heli-rotors, VTOL transports, affordable SST jetliners, etc. The tech exists, but it somehow never gets developed decade after decade.
Edmund Schluessel said,
June 29, 2005 at 8:09
Just idly, recalling various polls I’ve heard about: I wonder what fraction of Americans think we’ve already been to Mars, with humans I mean, in the past few years?
Honey said,
June 29, 2005 at 8:42
Flying cars. Yeah, that’s just what we fucking need. Not only do we have to look out for idiots on the ground, we’ll have no place to hide from the reckless drivers who can FALL FROM THE SKY AT ANY MOMENT. Yeah, let’s have some fucking flying cars, the world isn’t scary enough.
Yosef said,
June 29, 2005 at 14:45
Mutant ape slaves.
Well, first we would only have one monkey butler, but then he would train others.
delagar said,
June 29, 2005 at 16:46
God, I love this blog.
D. Sidhe said,
June 29, 2005 at 17:09
Perhaps some kind of giant albino shouting gorilla?
Thorlac said,
June 29, 2005 at 18:16
What constitutes “albino shouting”? Use of once-cool slang terms 10 years after the cool has worn off? And doesn’t “cool” count as one of those?
aaron said,
June 29, 2005 at 18:16
I want this blog to have my babies! Or, at least, a chimpanzee mail-order bride supplied by this blog to have my babies. Whichever.
res publica said,
June 29, 2005 at 19:24
I think the President *is* an albino shouting gorilla.
I strongly support the various “ape slave” and “monkey butler” proposals made above, but I would point out the merits of my earlier proposal for FLYING monkeys. Nothing — nothing — could be cooler than flying monkey servants.
Chris Moorehead said,
June 29, 2005 at 19:45
The flying monkey thing is simple — you just need to have the golden cap. Unfortunately, since that liberal traitor Dorothy gave the damn thing to the chief monkey, getting it back could prove difficult. Particularly with those horror stories coming out of California featuring face-chewing chimps…
Thorlac said,
June 29, 2005 at 20:06
Man, you won’t catch me in California, then! I’ve already had nightmares about dive-bombing monkey face-eaters snapping at my nose and shouting albino slogans as they swooped past. I awoke in a puddle of sweat and urine–MONKEY URINE!
Oh, FTLOG said,
June 29, 2005 at 20:08
Flying monkey slaves. Yeah! they’d be much better than your regular monkey slaves. Hell, they just jump from chair to chair to table, so by the time they get to you, the beer’s all shook up. Sucks!
Oh, FTLOG said,
June 29, 2005 at 20:14
Hmmmmm. {wrinkled brow} S’pose I have a regular monkey slave…er…servant and we move to the moon. Is he now a flying monkey servant? Just wondering.
The Dark Avenger said,
June 30, 2005 at 18:24
Obviously, we need a Martian Hydrogen Flying Primate Initiative, although lemurs get left out because they argue too much.
Marq said,
July 1, 2005 at 5:39
On occasion, when our Popular, Only 42% of the Public Wants to Impeach Him Preznit? says something stoopid (yeah, I know, I know…), or gives a Major Speech About… Important Shit, or Stuff?, I write a snarky letter in to the Chicago Tribune. And, surprisingly enough, they put this one up online. And better yet, it’s gonna be printed in the letters cloumn on Sunday! Woo-hoo!
Marq said,
July 1, 2005 at 8:49
Oh, um, at the link I listed above, my letter is the one linked to/titled as “Empty message.”
Hohoho Hum said,
July 6, 2005 at 1:20
I wonder how that drug program the president appointed the first lady to be in charge of is doing? Along with how she is spending the 150,000,000.00 budget he gave her to work with?…Was Ashcroft ever punished for claiming “Executive Priviledge” in not releasing memos requested and/or demanded by Congress? Maybe the president should look in his mind for the WMD’s..just a thought..they might be hiding there……A bully eventually meets the one he can not overpower.